 For the record, I do not recommend that this is a good idea. I mean, if so, hey, hey, hey, I'm trying to beat you guys. I can't. I can't. Put it down. Put it down. OK. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Oh, my. Holy hell. Hey, Cleetus, you ever seen the judicial shuffle? No, what's that? That's right. You got served justice. There's a lady with a vest of her sick show with no pants running out of the hospital. Now come what if you say she's running? That's her. So you're asking me if I could drive? Cleetus right now needs to be done. Officer clearly wanting you to go talk to him. Which I get me in trouble, ma'am. Oh, I appreciate that. Oh, shit. Ma'am, get down from there. Ma'am, get down from there. I'm going to have to taste you. Yeah, sure. I am. I got 195. Free me. Yeah, I'm 77 to the MRPD. I want a lawyer. Yeah, well, you can have one. You know why? That's part of your Miranda rights, ma'am. You have the right to remain silent. And then you say can and will be used against you in the court of law. And like I said earlier, you do have a right to. Thank God you remember that. Thank God you remember that. For an attorney, one will be provided to you. Do you understand the rights? What are you looking at? Yes, I understand. I'm not stupid. I wasn't stopping anybody. I promise. Really, really now. Get my lawyer down here right now. 100s of Cornwall, correct? Yeah, what's going on? A blonde woman with blonde hair involved in the stabbing of the hospital. Oh, yeah. I need her ID and an honor. I had a headache out of 95 in custody. I came back and she apparently stabbed my suspect out in custody and ran off. Hey, let's get them all. Hey, just get them all. That's what I say. Absolutely. They're all going jail. Oh, so stupid. So there's three people that stab people now, right? I think that's mean, but they all have no use out. Ma'am, how many people did you stab? In some defense, I stabbed one person. OK, did you see anybody else stab anybody else? I saw some crazy, ugly blonde girl stab other people. The one that I have says that she needs her lawyer. There's no one available. There's not much to do. Lance Malton. That's hilarious. I think there's one lawyer in the Yellow Pages. I can call him. Could you actually come down here? The lady is a. Yeah, she's requesting a lawyer. Yeah, I'll head down there. I'm I'm up in a grave seat right now, so I'll be a few, but I'm heading down. OK, sounds good. All right. But. Oh, he's on his way. It's not what it looks like, Denzel. Yeah, I'm not going to like be walking in midway without the context. This looks crazy, but you know, I'm pretty sure this is an explanation. Yeah, I mean, I went in Los Angeles to get me out of this corner and he has not moved me. I'm going to uncover you. Thank you. Thank you very much. You know. Fat cut. Ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am, ma'am. Fuck you. I'm sure you wish you could, ma'am. Oh, not. Oh, you're disgusting. I'm sure you wish you could, ma'am. You are absolutely disgusting. That is not what I meant. I obviously mentioned. Ma'am, please don't sexually harass me. Don't put me back in the corner. I don't want you to go in the corner. Ma'am, you can stay here. Maroon, my damn hat. Are you my lawyer? Is that my lawyer? Did you just hit my lawyer? She probably uncuffed her. Well, she I'm uncovering. She assaulted me. Oh, OK. Never mind. OK. Yeah, that's her right there. So I've got her so far for assault with a deadly weapon, you know, disobeying a peace officer. I uncuffed her in here. She she assaulted me and then tried to run away again. You know, she sucker punched me. Hell, you know what? I should give her two resistant rest. Shouldn't I? I look for I'm not going to tell you. I'm going to tell you what charges you want to try to push against her. No offense, man. Yeah, hell, I'll give her one. I'll give her one. She got into somebody else's car, told them to drive while I had my lights and sirens on. And he's like, no, I'm not. I mean, that's that's clearly reckless endangerment at that point. You know, she's trying to have somebody else risk their own, you know, personal well-being and stuff and a potential chase and all that. I mean, that's reckless endangerment. Hell, I think that's it. I also found a hundred grams of marijuana on her. So oh, shit. That's good. Yeah, nothing. OK, so this is going to be an interesting one. I'll just tell you what her story is, because I don't know if it's bullshit or not. If you tell me you got witnesses, maybe maybe I'll believe you instead. She's telling me straight up that the other person had a knife out first and she just struck first because she, you know, she was being threatened and charged or, you know. So she's saying that, yeah, I stabbed him, but it wasn't in self-defense because of the stand your ground statue, more or less. Did she say she didn't have a knife on her? No, no, no, the one she stabbed had a knife on her. Slack might be able to explain this a little bit better. What's going on? One person stabbed another person who then got apprehended and then Slack's head popped. And then when Slack's head popped, the person who was apprehended in cuffs got stabbed by the person that the person that he cuffed got stabbed. And then she stabbed one of the other people. It's a big old stab circle. She was involved in stabbing at the hospital. That's the whole thing. You know, you come over here. She said that. She wants to talk to you. That way we're not just playing a game of like ping pong. I just want to say this. I am so sorry for punching you out. I'm just under a lot of duress right now. Ma'am, I'm going to be honest with you. You don't look like you're under very much duress at all. I mean, just take a look at you. I'm trying to apologize to you. OK, go ahead. Do you think there's any way you can just lower my sentence? Maybe me and you got off to a wrong foot, right? Like, I will never, ever do crime again if you just like let me go this one time. Like, I promise, Bible. No, this is real life, ma'am. This ain't a damn video game. I am not guilty. At the end of the day, I know cornball that you're doing this because you like me. You think I'm hot. Ma'am, ma'am, I do not think that. I'm a classy lady. Are you? Yeah, I'm pretty classy. Shit, I could give her public indecency, too, if I wanted to. Public indecency? What are you talking about? I am not indecent. I've been trying to work with you. And, like, be nice so I can get my sentence reduced, but you're just not cooperating. Ma'am, I believe you're the one not choir. I gave you the opportunity. Here, I'm working on getting a damn bench rod going for you. Perfect. Do your job. All right, I will. Hey, Cornwood, guess what? I got your representation. Yo, you did? Who'd you get? Yeah, Alan Crane. Wait, is Crane? I think I might have met Crane my first day in the city. You remember an old man who sounds like his throat is rough? Yeah, a little bit like that. Crane put in the MDT, never let this man near law enforcement ever on the first day I ever played with Cornwood. All right, where'd she go? Let's talk, Siobhan. Her clients in the hospital was some kind of food poison or some shit. So Cornwood here and Captain Slaggs were both involved at different points with a series of assaults to the deadly weapon of the hospital. So there were three people involved. There's a woman named Sonia, a woman named Maria, and a woman named Alana. Alana being your client. Cornwood arrives on scene. Here's a dispatch call. He sees a woman matching that description, fleeing the hospital. She then apparently tries to flee after ignoring his commands. Eventually, Cornwood tackles her and apprehends her and takes her to PD. Oh, she's back. I thought, oh, didn't someone say I see you? I thought that's where she's going with her botchalism. Yeah, so there's a guy. I hate everything. There is a part three to this now. I don't know if y'all are aware of what happened on radio, but she did attempt to flee once she was at Crusade Medical. So not only is that another assault. Oh, another assault as well. OK, hey. Yeah, she just had to leave. You know what? We're taking the deal off the table. We're not doing that, Cornwood. Yeah, her charge is only stacked up even higher by going to the bench trial. Can I have an officer just uncuff this woman so I can help feed her really quick? Oh, Lord. Thank you so much. For the record, I do not recommend this is a good idea. Hey, sir, you heard. I mean, if so, hey. I'm trying to beat you. Oh, my God. I can't. I can't. I can't. Put her down. OK. Oh, my. Oh, my God. Ow. Oh, God. Be down. Oh, I don't want suspect down. I'm just going to. Did I do something wrong here? Holy hell. Hey, Cleetus, you ever seen the judicial shuffle? No, what's that? You're just watching back over. Say that's right. Yes, sir. Just as good. I like that. I like I like that. That's that's a hell of a dance. I used to do with like an MP5 out. You know, one hand is whirling around. So it's great. All right. Well, good news. Judges at least now partially conflicted on some charges. That's all I'm ready. Slacks. Listen to me. Mm hmm. You did go to the beach. OK. What are we at? Every single damn ounce of my charges. Pull out my gun right there. OK. I'm really proud of you. OK. I'm going to be there. I'm going to be in a gym. I'm just trying to make sure you get your stomach. OK. I'm going to be good. I believe you. OK. Hey, forward. Can you do the math really quickly? What were we at on the charges? How after this when you had these up? 160 months. It's probably be a fat bill. And $6,230 fine. OK. All right. Just double checking. All right. Perfect. Some people don't know when to stop. Hey, I'm going to be honest with you. I should just uncover again. I mean, this is easy. I don't have to. No, no, no. This is my retirement. All right. Perfect. Let's just go over the charges that we will not be. Thanks very much. Putting an inch of on the report. Cornwood specifically, which are all the charges in? Because we're going to go with the time out of all the nine times the salt and battery for them will not be contested. OK. And one of the criminal threats. Is there technically another resistant arrest and see she that's up to you. That's jealous. Keep adding them. Keep adding them. I didn't even argue that she's going to try to resist Cornwood. I'm going to come get you. All she did was run back. I'm going to come get you faster than the last one. That is fair. That is fair. Please, just try to beat your ass. That is fair. That is fair. I swear I gave them a cheeseburger. Wait, what did she just say? I swear I gave her a cheeseburger. OK, that that is OK, OK, so at a certain point, that's public indecency, ain't it? You could argue that. All right, all right. So medically, what is wrong with her? I might need to run some internal. That is a I can't. I do not have enough time left to my life for that. But holy shit, I would need a fucking DSM. She's not running a fever for therapy breaks. Three spiritual guidance counselors and a whole fucking bottle. I can't tell that. I'm for you. I ran some basic tests. I can. What I can do is I can if anything, you can put her on top of the table, if anything. I'm just let her lay there. As long as she wants to continue the trial and she's there and everything, I am fine. No, not my table. Hell, no, no, no, all right. Let's finally start this. All right, Ms. Reviews, I'm going to read out some charges. You can tell me if you plead guilty or not guilty. OK, times five assault and battery. Not guilty. Times one assault with a deadly weapon. Not guilty. Not guilty. Times one disobeying a police officer. Not guilty. Times one resisting arrest. Not guilty. Times one criminal threats. Not guilty. Times one escaping custody. Not guilty. OK, you're pleading not guilty on all those charges. And remember, you still have times four assault and battery. You're not going to be able to contest those and times one criminal threats. You will be able to contest that either. All right, go ahead and call Mr. Cleetus Cornwood. Boo, boo, you fucking suck, boo. Give a brief narrative statement of what you experienced start from the time that the dispatch call came in directing you to crusade medical forward. You know, there was a stabbing that was occurring. I heard on the radio the description of the assailant. So I go and I turn on my lights and sirens. And I say, hey, stop trying to run away. He goes on top of the wall. I said, ma'am, get down. You know, stop trying to run away. You know, you're making this hard. You need to eventually apprehend her, cuff her, take her to the car. We then take her to the jail cell. I uncuff her in the cell. She has to be uncuffed. And she immediately, as I turned around, then sucker punched me in the back of the head. Thankfully, Denzel was there. I believe he tased her and then cuffed her. And we kept her cuffed. Basically, that's when she called for a bench trial. Denied a guilty plea where I was going to lower some of the charges. Then we came here. OK, good. Carmen, I just have one question for you. You said that she punched you in the back of the head. Yes. Would you describe your head as punchable? Do I have to answer that? Your counsel did not object. I ain't objecting. I want to hear if you punchable or not. Cornwood, you punchable, son of a bitch. Technically, my head could be punched, yes. Is your face punchable? Objection weird. You're on the stand. You can't object. Damn it. My face could technically be punched, yes. Cornwood, am I punchable? In my opinion, I'd like you to answer the same way you answered for yours there. I mean, technically, you could be punched, yes. Cornwood, would it be accurate to say that any God-fearing man, woman, or child is punchable then? Objection, your honor. Children are never punchable. Well, she didn't grow up where we grew up. Yeah, I'm going to say no to that objection. You 100% went back home and played Skyrim at some point. Children are 100% punchable. My client will be testifying in her own defense and giving a narrative statement against the advice of counsel. Let me just get started by saying that today has been a very, very, very long and stressful day. I recently learned that my good cat, Fluffy, just passed away while I was in Siberia for the past five years. That was really tough news. And honestly, it just set me through a spiral all day today. And it didn't help when that blonde-haired hooker called me a hooker and said, oh, people need to take control of their hookers. I'm not a hooker. God bless. Do I look like a hooker? No, I do not look like a hooker. I was just trying to confront her. I was kicking her car. She came out with a knife. I got my knife out when I saw her get her knife out. And I stabbed her. And then someone stabbed me. I may have allegedly done those things. But in my mind, I believe I am innocent. Are you from the plan on Arrakis? Yes. All right. On your planet is it customary to spit on people as a show of respect? Yes, it is. No further questions, Your Honor. Objection, I'm old. What the fuck in the sci-fi name of hell is Arrakis? Dune. Oh, yeah. That's a dune place. She likes to make stuff shit. Oh, OK. Is this the common attire of your people there on Arrakis? What do you wear on your planet there? Pasties and bombs. That's even better. And ma'am, what's the primary material that Arrakis is comprised of? Is it sand? Is that it? Yes. Your Honor, I'm in a motion to bring this woman up on perjury. Ain't no way in hell no one's wearing a thong on a planet that is completely inhabited by sand. Are you kidding me? Damn, ma'am. You would be complaining all day up and down about your under-bridges and taping and whatnot. Hold on. I would like to order a bottle, Your Honor. Yeah, hold on. Let's her butt. Go ahead. Women all over planet Earth wear thong bikinis to the beach. 24-7 for a month straight. You know what that means, don't it? Month? You going to do that? UTI. I don't know. Yeah, that means before I rule on this. Before I rule on the perjury. She's like, wait, how is Arrakis? That's the other problem. Tell your client about what we do with the aliens here on this here jurisdiction, Siobhan. Sure did not. That's what I was implying to. I thought I was letting you cook, but. She's a homo sapien. That was in the back seat. She's a homo sapien. I'm sorry. You say that. Homo sapiens have rights on the planet Earth. It is 2023. Of course they do. They stop using that word. Thank you, Cardinwood. I don't like sand. Are you seriously telling me you're wearing that all the time over there? Here's how you can double down on this. And that's your natural thing. And you did mention her business, don't you? And nothing else happened. And very clearly it would stink. There might be another perjury issue here. She's been claiming that it don't stink, but if she weren't a thong on a sandy planet for a month straight, it definitely stank her. That is true. Your honor, as a woman, I can't rebut this because it's true. Can I give you a problem? This might be a double perjury. Crazy. Crazy. And we might have to think about some policy after this one. So what the fuck? I hate this. I hate everything about this. I wish the ground could swallow us up right now because I do. Yeah, kind of. OK, realistically, if you don't have any more questions or anyone has any more questions, I can probably do on this. All right, what about you and me? I'm done. Stick a fork in me. I'm done. We don't need a cigarette for this shit. I need a whole pack. All right, not a problem. Two words, it's stank. OK, it's stank. All right, I'm going to go deliver it. OK, I guess I'll do a closing. Arrakis, there we go. Arrakis, OK, all right. I'm going to find you guilty of all those charges. And I will also be adding one-times perjury. Mr. Cornwood, if you can add that to her charges. Man, you are claiming you are an alien from the planet. What is it, Arrakis? Arrakis. Arrakis. Arrakis. Arrakis. Hey, Mr. Views, what's got a long wooden handle and metal prong? That's what an Arrakis. That's right. OK, there you go. You're on the list, too, buddy. Also, your honor, I would like to push for a second perjury claim now that we have determined that it does, in fact, stank. And she said it doesn't. Can I smoke in here? Yes, you can smoke. I think one-times perjury is enough. We can let the hospital deal with the other things. I don't want to deal with a hygiene issue as a. I am clean. Yes, ma'am, I believe what you're saying when it comes to you being clean. We'll let a doctor decide that if you so choose to. OK, if you want to fucking if you if you're smelling something, you stupid cornball bitch, it's that rat on your upper lip. That shit is infected. That is that is that there is. Have you watched your mustache today, Mr. Cornwood? No, I have not to be fair. And that is under oath. Oh, OK. So one-times perjury for the other things. All right. Can I leave? Come on, I'll let in as well. Back to the police station we go. Actually, do we do we have a transport here that can we could put on the bus here straight to straight to jail? What charges is she getting? 10 times assault and battery. One times assault with a deadly. Oh, God. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, he's officer. One times resistant arrest. Three times criminal threats. One times escaping custody and one times perjury. I mean, I should have been to I did it twice. Actually, we can have a bus roll up and and and pick her up. I'm going to make your life a living hell of a cornball. OK, I'm I'm sure you will. You not heard the last of Alana reviews. Ma'am, are you are you aware you're about to go to jail for 220 months? It's not the first time. Well, ma'am, we're going to send you off with the locals and they're going to they're going to take care of you. Don't eat too much. Damn, Lord, that was hey, that was something. I mean, I'm telling you that was a dad gum shit show. I tried to let her off with a damn $2,000. Hey, guilty police says she didn't do nothing. She didn't do any of that. All that stuff. And I said, OK, she went from a $2,000 fine to 220 months and $8,970. And I'll be honest with you, it should have been two times perjury because that pussy stank. I guarantee it. It does. And she said it. Don't for the simpler city.