 Today is a tricky day and I just I've been getting a lot of Feedback lately like a lot of really kind Feedback about my honesty and openness about my mental health and I find that quite tricky because I feel like I'm not that open and honest about it I'm trying really hard to share my journey in so far as I can and I'm trying really hard to let people know that with things like The anorexia that though I'm a healthy weight that meal times can still be difficult And there are patches when it all feels really hard And you know that I struggle with panic and anxiety and that my PTSD my post-traumatic stress disorder means I get flashbacks and stuff but um I Share that on on days and in moments when I'm reflecting on it. So even if it's a difficult day I'm sharing in the moment when things feel better and I have Amazing support around me have amazing people have really good strategies great skills. I've developed with my therapist but on days like today It's just very hard and Normally I wouldn't I Would go to great lengths to avoid being around anyone when I'm like this. I'm now brave enough that I might pick up the phone But I hide this and I think a lot of us do that because we feel ashamed I I heat that I'm like this and I I Don't want to feel like this and I also kind of don't like to inflict on other people but actually I think it's If I'm gonna be open and honest then kind of need to see this bit too and this isn't as bad as it gets You know, this is when I have Spoken to my husband my friend and I've managed to calm some what but today is really hard today is a day where um My Anxiety is kind of our check and I'm having to work really hard constantly to stay grounded Where the fear of dissociation is there where I'm having to really ground myself my senses and stay present but more than anything today is today where I'm really struggling with flashbacks, so One of the really difficult things with post-traumatic stress disorder is that it makes you live and relive and relive moments that you essentially have not catalogued appropriately in your brain and so you feel them You feel them as if it's right now as if you're in danger right now and however many times you tell yourself that this Panic this fear is associated with something that happened a long time in the past, and you're safe now and Even When you know You're safe now and even if you can convince yourself Remembering and actually sometimes for me, so I Can't I can't yet maybe one day I can't yet talk about the nature of my trauma But as then she there's a long period of childhood trauma and there's a series of events when I was about 14 Which I've alluded to being raped. That's a small part of that story But when I think back on the events and particularly those things I Begin as I begin to process it I begin to Remember that those events happen to me, but also think of me as a child And I don't know I think I'm just feeling a lot of different feelings about it right now because I'm working really hard in therapy and It's hard and actually This bit's harder almost than any other bit because I'm beginning to Allow myself to feel it. Um I've Not allowed that for years. I mean eating disorder self-harm Lots of different things. I've done have all been about Managing those feelings or making them go away allowing myself to feel numb emotionally blunting Anyway, so the long and the short is um, I I Yeah, you've all been sort of horribly kind of cry You've all been so kind and told me that my honesty is inspiring and I find that hard because I feel I've been Only a tiny bit honest and maybe this is just a bit more honest whether I'll have the Bravery to post it whether I'll consider it too self-indulgent or just too Embarrassing, I don't know But I want to be able To I I Want to be able to Stand tall and stand proud and I do the work that I do and when I draw on my own experiences to say That I have fought as hard as I can And that I have been honest in my fight And I don't want people to ever look at me and think I should manage better because she's managing. Okay, because You don't see this bit. Um, I am managing really well a lot of the time and you see that Some of the rest of the time friends is scooping me up family is scooping me up. I'm fighting through meals. I'm really Grateful of my medication and my treatment team and I'm managing, but it's really Yeah So note to self this is hard it will get better it's gonna be worth fighting for And there are many many people who are kind and care Okay, that's enough for me crying all over you