 Hey Alice Alice wait till you see what I've got it's sensational look. What is it? What is it? It's a collector's item the only one of its kind in the whole world. It's a picture of Liberace cry RCA Victor world leader of radio first and recorded music at first in television presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye show Phil Harris Alice Faye show transcribe written by Ed James and Al Schwartz with Elliot Lewis Walter Tedley John Hubbard Janine Roos and Whitfield Walter Sharpeness music and yours truly Bill Foreman Tonight for your enjoyment. We offer a study in utter confusion entitled a night with Phil Harris or The witch bothered and bewildered first. Here's a word from RCA Victor Stars of the RCA Victor program Alice Faye and Phil Harris when you get right down to it There isn't too much difference between a married man and a bachelor a bachelor is a clothes horse a married man works Like a horse to keep his family in clothes Your bachelor life is a glorious song, but married men have their own particular anthem like so Oh, if I had the wings of an angel Over these prison walls I would fly Alice screams if I don't hang my clothes up I'd be much Better off at the why Did you put your clothes away put them away, honey? I filed them ties under B Sweaters under C wait a minute. Whoa boy hold it now. What's the matter socks ties and sweaters under AB and C Naturally our guile bowl and cashmere Please learn to put your things away Sometimes I think I'm living with Lily St. Cyr. That's bad No, I'm only kidding No, I'm not this is your home and you ought to take more pride in I do I do who cuts the lawn every week my brother Willie Well, who painted the fence last month Allison Phyllis But wait a minute. I've got something last April when the faucet in the kitchen was leaking who fixed it. I did Well, I got news for you. It's leaking I Wait for me in the living room honey. I'm back here, but Alice I want to say something before you and captain midnight take off Take off now. We're back to Lily St. Clair I don't feel I don't understand you. This is your home and you're never in it Is that so name one man who spends more time at home than I do all right Harry Truman Ben Hogan Papa Dion Yeah Yes, he does he spends quite a lot of time around Now wait a minute. I mean entertainers Jack Benny Eddie Canada Jimmy Durratti up and hold it Bula. Hold it. I Mean entertainers with curly hair who can sing that's what I like about the soft That stopped you Bill you spend more time away from home than Barnum and Bailey, you know, you know what Allison Phyllis asked me yesterday They wanted to know if you'd been drafted It ain't that bad is it worse for instance, where are you going tonight? Well Elliot and I figured that we'd good I'm staying home That's where I'm going tonight. You are yes, sir. I told Elliot I said Elliot tonight I'm staying home with my family. That's what I told him when did you tell him right now the second I see him See that you do don't worry Alice when I tell somebody I tell him. I'll see you later, baby Don't forget Phil you're staying home tonight. You promise okay. I promised I promised Make such a big thing out of it. You'd think I never stayed home. I was home. Let's see Oh Wednesday, no, no it was Tuesday. I remember because that's the night Eisenhower was elected Where you hear the news I got oh, hello, Ellie, you know who's in town Alice just told me Jack Benny Eddie canner Lily St. Sear. No, no, no, I can't Lily St. Sears and forget about Lily St. Sear. Will you ain't gonna be easy Oh Force yourself now. What's the big nose? You know who's in town red nickels and alvino ray They are and that ain't all jack teagarden woody Herman the whole bunch from the original Dixie land doozies You mean they're right here all of them. That's what I mean They're doing one night is with the old outfit. No kid Curly remember when we were barnstorming with the doozies Do I remember? I Got scars Boy those were the days Hey, Elliott, you remember that night in Altoona Yeah, drinking champagne out of a slipper What a night I never did find out who's slipper. I was drinking You didn't it was mine Okay, night and Dayton with a big blonde. Yeah, the one with the buck teeth. What a bottle opener darling Toledo One green eye and one red eye. Yeah, it was like kissing the traffic light She always kept the green eye open. Go man. Go Hey, how about that bus we used to travel in oh, yeah Side saddle Sadie What a bus. Oh tuxedos hanging from the ceiling Lasagna cooking on the motor salami hanging in the window Limburger hanging out the window Remember the night the bus hit that vegetable truck musical goulash Somehow the bus never smelled the same after that now needed a debase player Sure messed up our poker game. Remember the night you had four jacks. Yeah, and red nickels beat me with three aces in the narrow And alvino Ray, he had so many cards up his sleeve. We had to shuffle his coat He still takes a full house is Kate Smith and a phone Curly Talking about poker remember what your big number was in those days what my three-star. Yeah, remember it kept us in Denver sandwiches, didn't it? Bill Jackson was a poor old who joined the Darktown poker club. Yeah And first the day told him he would join Honey used to go like it had wings of the old queen someone had kings and each night he wouldn't trim it all Cinema playing tight tonight to be no barbed tail pleasures make me buddy said when I get in there so my hands over your feet Played him tight and lost his pile and bill got peevish after a while. So we rose looked all around and made this be Says y'all see this razor ahead of sharp and just today I'm coming in with my rooms that I want you to follow when you play boy Keep your hands up on the table while you deal, please Don't be running the maces down there in between your knees And don't be making them signs like you're trying to tip off your hand just talking American boy American souls I can understand and don't be getting them off the bottom cuz ooh That's rough take five five and stop. That's enough now when you bet put up the chips I don't like it when you shy and if you get busted go get some I'm over here by and by Pass them cards for me to shuffle every time before you deem. Let me look them over cuz I love to see You ain't gonna play this game according to mr. Harley you're gonna play this game according to me I'm sitting right there not their clan they chance to be one-eyed man and Bill kept on watching him out of the corner of his eyes The one-eyed deal and then it cost that Bill another five and ten Bill got up again looked all around him with a sigh Said loud. It's an awful shame said someone's cheating this year games that goes it ain't no do me to name the guy I refrain from mentioning the party's names. I catch him cheating just once again. I'm gonna take this fish and close that Now do you see that brand-new razor? I had it shot and just date I'm coming in with my rules that you must follow when you play egghead Keep your bony hands up there while you're giving them out, please Don't be running them wild isn't that tween your knees and don't be making them funny science cuz you're still trying to tip off Your hands you better talk in America boy big a a so as I can understand and put deal them off the bottom because ooh That's rough army game five five That's enough now when you bet put up the reds and blues I don't like it when you shot then if you run out of gas go get pumped up. I'm gonna be your vine by Passive taste for us. Let me riffle ever time before you deans. Let me irrigate around. I want to see Keep on telling you a go play the game according to mr. Harley You gonna play this game according to me now Henry if you'll break the seal on that new deck of bicycles We'll get on from here. Yeah Yeah You know, I was just thinking you know what we ought to do what tomorrow night We ought to get together with them dosies get them all together and man We could have a ball we could really lay down some jive, you know that well curly I told you they're playing one night as they're leaving in the morning. Well, then I'll tell Allison. Oh No What's matter curly? Oh, I promised Alice. I'd stay home tonight. Oh telling you change your mind. Are you kidding? You should have heard the routine. She gave you about Jack Benny and Barnum and Bailey and Jack Jack Benny's with Barnum and Bailey What she means is that Jack Benny stays home Oh, that's what Alice meant and that's what she wants me to do stay here But why tonight? I don't know, but I promised her and I got to stay home. No, wait a minute curly You don't let Alice push you around do you if you want to go out you go out Don't you you can make her take it and like it. Can't you you're a little nuts, ain't you? So we got to do something the guys are only gonna be here one night realize that Elliot I realized that but what am I gonna tell Alice I can't tell her the truth, huh? Of course not. She'd never believe me well Tell her we got to go see a couple of days. All right, buddy. Oh She'd believe that yes Roy. Yeah, it's all go great. What do you tell you want to get out? Don't you? Oh, yeah, I forgot wait a minute Hey, I got it. Hey, I got it. They're running you for governor and you got to make a speech to the temperance union Certainly it's unbelievable Alice knows I don't like to make speeches Come up with something will you thank it? I'm thinking I'm thinking I'm thinking What's the matter it keeps coming out Lily St. Cyr Leave the girl alone, please Look, what do you want to do? Do you want to help me? Do you want to think of something or do you want me to sit home all night and listen to one for the money? Two for the show three to get ready and Herb Shriners got a go Oh That's it. What the radio you just won a big giveaway contest and you have to go down and collect the prize Look, Elliott. She ain't never gonna believe that this kid Alice She's gonna have to she's gonna hear it on the radio. What are you nuts or something early? You've got a home recording machine, haven't you sure got a microphone that works through the radio Hasn't it so I hide in the back of the radio and I announced through the microphone that you've won the contest How can it miss Elliott? She'll know your voice. Oh, she won't curly. I'll be a regular Tony wands. Well We're down the bottom of the barrel now, ain't we dad? I See and and then if you announce that I'm the winner then I'll have to go down and get the prize. Is that it? That's it You know something with it. I think you got something Wait a minute. Where are you going in the back of the radio? You call out look Elliott Okay Alice hey Alice honey Hey Alice come here quick, huh What's the matter? What happened honey? I just won a big contest on the radio I didn't hear anything. Well, they haven't announced it yet But they're gonna just listen good evening ladies and gentlemen Strike it poor is on the air Get poor it's a new show for rich people What else is new they'll come back here my prize I got a what prize the prize and tonight's giant refrigerator You say we've got a refrigerator great. Hey, do you hear that Alice an RCA Victor television set with a 27-inch screen? We've got one what a miserable house. We've got everything Maybe if I go down there, I can change tonight Josephine. Good night. Elliot tonight Alice This thing I've ever heard strike it poor for rich people Okay, Elliot you can come out she didn't go for it, huh? Actually, she didn't go for it. I told you well, we think of something else. What does she think of vigoros? Now she don't go for opera Or like you put on geraniums and petunias She likes flowers don't she oh sure okay, so we got to fix up the flowers We got to go downtown to buy vigoros smudge pots Pete Moss All that kind of stuff. I Don't know Elliot. What can you lose? What can I lose tomorrow? I can be living at Griffith Park Telling it'll work come on now where we go we're going in to see Alice look you explain about the flowers like this You have to buy vigoros to push their little heads through the ground Smudge pots to keep their petals warm Pete Moss to keep their little roots loaded with moisture You got Well, let me get this straight heads up right petals warm right and What was that about the roots? loaded Why those little devils Elliot watch me do this now you want to see a master at work watch that Say honey just a minute fell. Did you say hello to William? Well if it ain't from here to stupidity Now see here Phillip Alice this is important. I wait until Willie is finished. He'll never be finished. They forgot to give him a head Honey, can I please tell you later later go ahead Willie well Alice as I was saying yes I wanted you to have a nice bed of flowers So I bought some vigoros to push their little heads through the ground and some smudge pot to keep their petals warm and Pete master keep their little roots loaded with moisture. Oh, that's wonderful Willie. Thank you Now what were you going to say Phil? Let's go upstairs Okay, honey, please please. I don't feel good. I'm going up to my room Kelly it's shut the door. Okay All right brains now what? We could pretend that yours Hey curly is that the same teddy bear you've always had? Oh No, no, this is a new one this one walks You see I got it Oh, hi, honey. We were just I know what you were just and it won't do you any good But Alice you promised me you were going to stay home tonight, and I'm going to make sure of it So I'm closing the door like this Alice locking you in like this And then I'll go downstairs and practice my song for next week Which you can make Now we're worse off than we were before I'm not only in the house. I'm locked in my room curly Don't you know? I've always got an out. What kind of an out the window. Oh, that's a great out out the window 30 feet off the ground curly. It's a cinch You drop five feet at a time. How do I do that? Yeah, you work We'll work fast by the time we get out of here the Dixieland doozies will be playing Altona again What was that well, I take a look hey curly, it's Julius his voice is changing. It's his truck Up here. We're up here in the window slip on up here. Will you we want to talk to you maybe human? I wouldn't know nice to the kid. We need him fine. Fine. We need him Jane Russell Ava garden The world's full of angel cake, and I need a crumb We're locked in and we can't get out You're not gonna leave us stuck up here. Are you hey Julius Julius wait a minute bring that ladder over here We'll tell everybody you pose for the Marilyn Monroe calendar. What a jam session. We're gonna have I'm gonna beat them drums down to the bear And what I'll do to that guitar. I'll play it like it's never been hey curly just for tonight Can I please put strings on my guitar? Just one don't worry. You can play maracas One okay kid put it up against Women why don't you get a bigger one? This is the window you better make it three boxes. Okay? I don't like it Elliot How you doing Julius? Okay, go ahead curly what? Climb out. Oh wait a minute Elliot. Are you sure that's safe? Are you kidding? I know a guy did this in vortival for 20 years before he was killed Look Elliot. I'm early. It's getting late. Get going. You ready Julius Here goes okay easy does it curly easy does it and a boy Can you reach the ladder? I Don't know I can't find that top wrong. Hey Julius. Hey Elliot. Hurry. I can't hold on anymore I can't always break anything just a few promises But a couple of days in bed, and you'll be all right. Oh my head. Is it New Year's already? Easy, honey. Everything's gonna be all right. Why doesn't somebody answer the fault Phil again for 46 years? We have been united behind the symbol of the Christmas seal in the fight against tuberculosis This has helped save the lives of six million Americans who might have died of TB So buy your Christmas seals now Thanks, and good night. Good night, everybody This was an NBC radio network production