 Hey y'all, welcome back to my channel. My name is Sonali and today I have a different video for you guys. Honestly, I just kind of want to make this video because I know in the end it's going to benefit me and also I can help anyone who's kind of going through the same, you know, situation as me because it's not like an easy situation to go through. I don't know. Okay, I guess we should just get into it. So I have gained so much weight over the past like two, three months, even past year. I know what I did wrong and I know what I could have done to, you know, prevent this and all of that but you know I'm here now and I don't know, I just feel like shit about myself. I feel very chunky and I don't want to use the word fat because I know that it could be worse and like I want to stop it here. Whatever my weight is right now, I want that to be the highest I will ever be. Hopefully. And honestly like I've been waiting for like an epiphany this whole time. I always see these health fanatics and gym junkies talk about how like you know kind of like one day it just kind of happened like you got motivation to go to the gym and you like didn't stop or like I don't know. I just feel like I don't have motivation because I don't really know what to do in the gym and I've been eating really bad and that's pretty much the major thing I know I've been doing wrong is eating so freaking bad and this whole time I actually just graduated from college so I also feel like it's a little bit of like post-grad depression or like something like that but when I was in my senior year of college like I told myself the beginning of the year I was like I want to be super hot I want to be skinny. I was in the sorority with the most gorgeous girls on campus like I'm not gonna lie all my sisters were freaking stunning and they were skinny and they were you know beautiful and confident. Not that they didn't accept me because literally I love all the people in my sorority but it was just kind of like an internal situation where I was like I want to look like that and like it wasn't for anyone else it was literally for me like I want to look like that I want to be hot I want to be good-looking and I feel like my whole life I thought I was fat and I wasn't. I'm gonna post some pictures on the screen right here and in these pictures at this stage in my life like I thought I was fat and I'm just like now now I realize okay girl you weren't fat back then like you're a little chunky now it's also so like comparative because I was in high school when I thought I was fat but I was actually not fat but also there were just other girls that were way skinnier than me so it just like really depends who you surround yourself with and I wouldn't change anything like I loved my friends and like I don't care like what you weigh or like anything like that but what I'm saying is that like when you see someone that you're so close to just have like really good genes and just being skinny all their life you know it's just hard for you to realize like why am I not like that plus it doesn't really help that I have really really freaking big boobs so some tops that my thinner friends wore you know they look great because they probably are like smaller chested too um but if I tried to wear that I'd be really really boxy and just like it wouldn't look very flattering on me because I have super big boobs and I've honestly wanted to get a boob reduction and I still want to do I have the money for that right now probably not but definitely definitely want a boob reduction in the future so back to the senior year thing I you know had this whole mentality going into it I wanted to be super hot like this is the time to be hot your college years like I want to look back and be like oh my god like I miss my college body because that's what everyone says right when they grow up but like I'm not going to miss my college body so in the middle of senior year um I kind of just like lost all motivation to work out and stuff and like even if I did work out it would be in like phases of like a week or something or two weeks and then I would just completely drop it so I had sorority meal plan and I think this is where it kind of went all wrong because it's hard to say no when you have a buffet of food in your face for two meals day it's so hard and I know people have willpower but I didn't and it was it was just really hard so kind of towards the end of my senior year I was like it's not only like it's okay just eat whatever you want you're in college like have fun like do whatever you want eat whatever you want and when you move out when you get a kitchen of your own you can be healthy cook your own food because I didn't have a kitchen in my sorority house we had a microwave and that was pretty much it so I basically ate meal plan or I ate out so that's a big factor in my weight gain um but it's also because like my job well currently I'm unemployed right now but like my side gigs all my side gigs I'm a photographer videographer um youtuber so basically everything is on the computer where I sit on my computer for so many hours throughout the day like I sometimes I'll go like five hours sitting down and not even get up my mom always sends me articles about this like disease it's called like the sitting disease or something like that um where if you just sit for too long like that can be a factor that can like kill you I guess I don't know which like makes a lot of sense like you're not being active and I'm very lazy like it's it's very hard for me to go to the gym if it's not in convenience for me and if you saw my apartment hunting videos you know that having a really good gym in my apartment complex was very important to me because you know it's all about convenience if it's right downstairs like it's not going to be as easy for me to say no the apartment that we did choose has a gym but not the greatest gym and literally has an elliptical and a treadmill and like maybe some weights so that doesn't really motivate me to go to the gym either even though I'm unemployed I still have a million bajillion things to do and I feel like there's just not enough time in the day for going to the gym and I need to stop having that mentality because I know everyone else does it so like I need to do it and just get over it so you guys are probably wondering like why is this girl telling me all of her issues I'm kind of putting it out on the internet because I want to hold myself accountable and I feel like this is a really good way to do that because I feel like if I put it out on the internet I'm gonna be embarrassed if I stop that's just where my mentality is at right now today I actually bit the bullet and I signed up for my first orange theory class and I am so nervous but I've heard so many people recommend orange theory to me um and they've like lost a good amount of weight and just like I don't know they just said it was really good for like beginners and like people who don't really know what to do at the gym um so I'm looking forward to that but I'm also not because I hate working out and it's like 12 minutes away so it's not convenient and I don't know I've just heard a lot of great things so I'm gonna try it out and see how that goes um usually I don't really love class things it just makes me a little bit uncomfortable but I heard it's really motivating so your girl's going today and I'm going alone because I just want to get it over with like before um the day kind of ends that I hate working out at night that's like the biggest thing I'd rather work out in the morning but most of the time I'm like busier in the morning than the afternoon obviously uh there's just so many things going on in my head that I'm like um I'd rather do that than go to the gym like I'd rather work a little bit than go to the gym in the morning or I'd rather get brunch and like sleep in than go into the gym and also I'm a big foodie I love food so it's hard it's so hard for me to eat healthy because I also don't know how to cook because I was like without a kitchen for like four years of college so now I want to show you pictures of when I felt like really shitty about myself because I feel like this really helped me to kind of look back at those times and be like okay you don't want to feel that way anymore like let's get better let's get fit let's get thinner so I'm going to post them right here you guys are probably thinking like what the heck like you do not look very chunky on Instagram or like YouTube or whatever girl my boyfriend knows how to get my angles so first of all but second of all I don't want you guys to think I edited my body at all because I do not and I don't really I really don't promote editing your body except for like smoothing out your skin like I don't really care about that but like actually like making your waist thinner is like such a no no and like yeah I've thought about it before because I'm like everyone does it you know but I always want to be that girl that looks better in person than on Instagram and I really hope it is that way I'm not sure if it is you guys may not know me in person so you might not be able to tell I always want to be that girl because it's kind of embarrassing if you look better on Instagram you know so I don't want people to like see my Instagram and if I did something to my waist and made me look skinnier they'd be so confused if they saw me in person saw that I was like chunky you know I feel like it's not worth it like it's not worth it because then I could just do that the whole rest of my life and just never get fit and like I want to be fit like I do I just don't have the motivation that's where I'm lacking right now so you guys are probably also wondering like when did I break well it was my breaking point why am I making this video why am I here today doing this well my breaking point was when my jeans didn't fit and I literally felt like embarrassed for myself like no one knew my jeans didn't fit you know I just like felt like super embarrassed I remember this one time I was in Orlando and I was taking pictures for Instagram so I had an outfit change in the car and the second outfit change was my boyfriend jeans and they're these baggy jeans with rips in them and I love them and I still love them and they're in my closet because I'm gonna fit them one day and so I was changing in the car you know sliding on my jeans and they didn't fit like I literally could not freaking button them up and like at first I was thinking okay it's like probably the way I'm sitting in the car right now like trying to change like it's not very comfortable changing in a car but then they didn't even look baggy on me like towards my stomach area it was like tight on me and they're supposed to be boyfriend jeans like they're supposed to be loose and they were loose when I bought them so that was like that was like the first part of my breaking point that my other flare jeans that are so cute they didn't fit and I went out I think it was last weekend or the weekend before that and I literally like don't have any pants to wear right now that like really fit me so I decided to wear my flare pants and um they literally like left a scar on my stomach so that was definitely like okay you know something has to change here and I also don't want to buy new flare jeans because I literally just bought them like last semester or something in college I think this is really where it broke me my boyfriend Ryan actually got these like button extenders I'm not sure what he used it for but um he had them laying around and I saw them the other day so I was like hey can I have one of those for my pants because I was gonna go out this weekend and I was like okay literally the only pair that like can button and like maybe feels like you know not the worst on me are the flare jeans which left a scar so yeah it was not good but anyways so I wanted to you know do the button extender on the flare jeans the button extender broke so it literally snapped and I was like okay well literally like a solution to my problem couldn't even be a solution to me that was definitely like okay like some things gotta change I just kind of let myself go like especially after college I was in the middle of moving and literally remember having like fast food every single day from like every single meal because it was just like a weird time like a weird um like in the middle situation where I just like wasn't really cooking like I didn't really buy groceries because I was like you know I went to the beach here and then I was meeting with friends here and there because I was moving so I really just was like fucking it like let me eat whatever I can eat before I get into my apartment and have a kitchen and like actually buy healthy groceries so that was really bad um so you guys are probably all wondering how much I weigh and I will put a picture of the scale right here I'm not sure what I weigh today but I know that my heaviest was 174 and that is yeah that's my heaviest and I don't know if you guys think that's like super super bad or if you guys are like what the heck this girl is like totally fine but obviously that is overweight for like my height and like age and everything I already know I'm overweight I think I was like 150 in college and then like towards my senior year I started creeping up like I got to like 160 and I recently reached 170 so yeah not trying to get any higher so I really need to change my lifestyle but it's gonna be hard and I don't know I just I don't know how to do it like and I need help and that's why I'm gonna do this orange theory class and I really hope this is it for me like I really really do so I wanted to make this video for myself and kind of put it out there on the internet hold myself accountable but I know that I'm not alone because I feel like everyone goes through this phase where they're just they realize like okay I'm not as thin as I once was and something needs to change so I mean if you guys have any advice please leave it down below because like I'm really wanting to change my lifestyle but it's just hard like it's yeah it's easier said than done I just don't want to be that girl that lets herself go and I feel like I'm already that girl so I don't know it's just not the best feeling I don't know okay I'm sorry this video is so rambly but I just kind of wanted to share all my thoughts and like where I am right now so I hope you guys enjoyed this video leave any recommendations or tips down below and I'll talk to you all later