 from the Sears Radio Theater tonight a program of mystery with Vincent Price as your host here's a preview yeah I will be too you know I'm gonna be a cop back there in the alley waiting to proud you've got too much imagination you gotta clear me if that happens even if it spoils the joke on your wife Gabby you got no problem I'm the guy with problems that Vilma complicating things the Sears Radio Theater will begin after this message from your local station this is Vincent Price the sandbar a gritty little drinking place at the bottom of town we're about to meet the two major characters in a story that houses many twists and turns as a pretzel when did I walk into it? did I ever see it? like a towel with a clothes Gabby Durstheim Gabby is one of those patsies you notice when he's around he's no dummy laughs at his bad luck but if a stick has two ends and few don't Gabby's bound to grab the wrong end so did you also guess who? he tries not to be a patsy he's careful keeps his defenses up dodgers and roads with those Monday to Friday punches we all have to survive he looks like a winner suddenly though sure as rain on your birthday he opens up for that solid punch to his down button and down he goes right the jokes on nobody else like I said did I need a chip? THE chip! what a chip only last month! I got it good and wonderful at last I tell everybody I buy the chip this I buy that she's my coat you know the feeling I even give her my credit card and she cleans me out! Ops! it takes all my credit to do! leaves me one chair! one chair! why one chair? punch me too! yeah! why does she need it? why does she need it? the show she's got a decent break in it? it's at this high point in his life that Gabby meets up with Will Pinchcliffe in the Sandbox hey did I hurt you? Will Pinchcliffe? yeah you didn't think in the paper, did you? who are you? did something big in Vietnam? yeah survived it! you want to make a buck if you're cleaned out? oh could I use a buck? how'd you like to play a prank on my wife? a hundred bucks in there for you Gabby! a joke on somebody else? that's a switchery! you're on? why not? tell me more! and that's only the beginning of our story five nights of exceptional entertainment every week brought to you in Elliott Lewis production of the Sears Radio Theatre our story The Jokes on Guess Who by Len Peterson our stars Barney Phillips and Robert Towers the Sears Radio Theatre is brought to you by Sears Robach and Coveney Sears where America shops for value a Vietnam War hero and Gabby Gerstein an inveterate pathway had struck up an acquaintance in a sleazy saloon called the Sandbar there's nothing we can say at this point about how officers attract each other because Will and Gabby haven't yet struck a bargain between them but it sounds as if they're well on their way to do it you look okay to me Gabby you know when I was in there I could always tell how my guys had handled themselves in a tight spot by their last and you got a good one huh? good for what? oh getting your drinks on me at the Sandbar here that's not good yeah you got a point think I'd waste time and money on a yuck when there's no profit no fun and I'm both me I'm choosy too except for that crazy chick she didn't say I had to be the drive-thickest what's the deal? my deal? your deal my chick the wife Judy and she's got this thing that bugs me her put-downs in the army everything is a put-down right? a joke not serious because if you don't laugh with shooting as you go bananas but back in the cities after what happened to so many of my buddies well I take it serious or what? give me time and maybe I'll take serious what my chick done to uh yes sir Gabby you're my man you're my cat-sy a hundred bucks to pull a joke on your wife one joke? that's better pay and most stand-up comics and headliners get what's the joke? look I haven't been sitting there like a big blow heart have I and that's how you'd notice it huh? how model or modesty if you're the real Will Pinchcliffe warrior we all got our ego even you huh? well under this patsy front I'm General Sherman Patton Westmoreland and I can't complain I get more respect than I deserve in fact I get treated like I've done something something worth something in the shooting war I get it everywhere except from Judy she puts down everything I did in the war even in things that they... yeah yeah oh I got me a few of the good medals even though I sure don't think of them as mine with all the guys so when she puts me down she's putting down all us guys in company say my company the survivors and it's well you can see she gets to me huh so I gotta prove my courage to her prove it like some show off kid but that is it but it's this sir well I don't know what for her for both of us okay I'm in come on so what's the scenario Will? well there's only one trick I can think of just stop her wise cracks here slip this in your pocket hey what are you giving? put it in your pocket don't flash it around a gun an automatic cool it in your jacket don't make it a news announcement it's a henchman I ain't no gunman oh I'm so serious all of a sudden I tell you it's just a practical joke we're pulling on shooting not keep laughing Gabby I take guns seriously a cousin of mine he got killed accidentally hoisting around with a gun with my brother so I take guns serious I never fight a shot in my life I sure don't want you to start now so pack it away man into your pocket jokes sir do you hear the genuine article a real card Gabby you pulled it off yet me believing you're gun shy a cook with real phobia for pop guns but you're what crack shot yeah that's funny all my life I'm funniest when I don't try to be funny and I'm serious okay jokes sir here's the deal all I want you to do about 20 minutes is pretend to mug me and Judy in the alley way just east along the block after I fetch her from a concert and walk her past here to drive her home that's a joke and you let me attack you take the gun off you and chase you away okay it's a serious joke you're like this rock group hey you're a regular here at sandbar I start I'll never get written up in the paper is this joint hey you could make this place into a circus yeah if word gets around it this was your drinking spot the war heroes how about cool it's gonna take this dumb hero worship but you'd still want it from your wife I want some respect from her that's what just like Rodney Danes you feel right no no not at all more than that she thinks the war ruined me ruined me for what? what's so wonderful about her fancy culture vulture set hey I got the soul of a promoter everybody says I just never met her up with nothing really big to promote not yet everything so far that you're like a joke oh and guess who right so you promote this little bit of trickery on my dear wife huh help me straighten her out why not exactly why not Gabby it'll be the easiest hundred bucks you ever made after the briefest kind of drinking your quaintance today sitting in the sandbar with Will's gun in his pocket is the first to reflect on how they came to meet I just dropped in here for a quick drink I've been around the corner seeing about a job I was told yesterday sure the job is yours Gabby but I turned up this evening to go over details with the area supervisor and he says sorry my wife's brother's got the job I just turned on another job myself too late to go back now and the jokes don't say it don't so you can spare the time for this ten minute caper with Judy I wanted to see there's such a thing as well courage a kind needed in a war even when you're scared scared of something scared of some of that sneering out of her yeah and ooh make it tough for me to get the gun off her so she'll be impressed you know even fire a wild shot if you want it's loaded you mean this gun you gave me is loaded of course it's loaded it's convincing see what this is a pretty kinky joke that's not as kinky as my Judy and her Don putting everything about the war any war every war wars are bad so don't have wars it's that simple for her that's not kinky I misunderstand wars too I'm not asking you to understand Gabby just play this educational joke on my wife kind of cheap Jack for 100 cheap Jack bucks I do need the dog you better believe it you don't worry worry I might make it a double twist double whammy you know what I mean so to stick up the reel and clean you up like my chick did me she made me crazy enough I'll risk it this me getting nasty and keeping the guns flashing at the reel taking this watch to your wallets car keys your ladies jewelry coins money not a bad all that hey hey hey ever think about possibility in the war Gabby I thought at 10 every second that's how I survived I'm good at sizing up possibilities just why I picked you to pull this trick on Judy you're not the kind to double cross no now with that laugh you've got Gabby grab your hat come on here's your 100 bucks this time the jokes on guess who I can guess but can you don't know I thought you were going to the concert alone Lanter in the lobby I said we give her a lift home she popped into the store back there to pick up a couple of things that's how I look Judy have we ever gotten involved with Vilma that that she hasn't complicated things I know you don't like her I do another culture vulture is all she is that now stop calling everybody who goes to anything but a movie or a ballgame a culture vulture I mean it's the same way you talk about some things in the war I didn't make it I was just in it but you carry on like I started it oh silly I don't let's not quarrel tonight darling you started it with this getting involved with Vilma driving her home that's involved how? this looks so terrible about Vilma look at we go let her find her own way home when she lived down the hall from us we said drive her home oh really Will the things that upset you she'll find something on the way she has to see to or when we get to the apartment to do and involve us has anything ever been simple we've been with her she likes you I can tell can't you like her a few bit come on come on the car's parked three blocks over close as I could get you get the car I'll wait for Vilma Vilma you can come pick yourself is this one way no access streets it's stupid when we can walk straight to the car come on Vilma we'll see us and catch up no I'll wait do I have to drag you come on they have to stay the streets to be walking alone and Vilma we can watch out for her most of the way to the car see what I mean about her interfering this is crazy making an issue over what? nothing all my issues are over nothing no come with me or go with her do as you please okay okay but when I get to the car I'm driving off home with or without you you better stick with Vilma Vilma if you haven't found what you want for the meeting to calm you down what's this? I wish I knew Gabby I've been hiding you waiting in this alleyway with Gad at the ready what are you like Carmen not coming not coming what's this? only a few little complications Gabby life's little complications you just stay out of sight won't be long now he's so simple when he hired Gabby Gerstine to pretend he was a stick up man he knew that Wilf could impress his wife by demonstrating his courage in front of her but Judy, Wilf's wife has unwittingly complicated the whole situation by failing to arrive on the scene they always come to equip women with their complicated complications they wear my jewelry what's so complicated about you and her walking along past my little alleyway here hey hey keep back don't show yourself the handle's all sweaty you got me nervous taking so long I'm beginning to feel I'm earning my 100 bucks nervous about what? I think it's for real my luck huh if a cop comes along maves me on suspicion hiding in this alley first me finds I'm packing hardware without a license you're spooky is he? just my luck like when I get you and your wife arms up against the bricks then a cop comes by takes me for a neighborhood mug the coast is clear now but is it gonna stay this way? it's cop country this part of town I wish I had your troubles Gabby I'm not mine trade you anytime class class you chick you got a job you're a name Judy's picked up a neighborhood girl friend to drive home this stick up is off if they come along together oh I don't mind see whatever I'll stick up all three of you no extra charge another babe you can impress them both unarmed and taking this guy off me they'll both be kissing you and ooh and so hero I said no go Gabby no go if they both come along together yeah I worry too you know I'm gonna run for your cop back there in the alley waiting to pound you've got too much imagination you gotta clear me if that happens even if it spoils the joke on your wife Gabby you got no problem I'm the guy with problems that Vilmer complicating things not as much as some cop hanging in the shadows waiting to pound what cop what cop you crackin up hey you want to give me the hundred bucks back no no no just just playing your game that's all we can do to all possibilities tell you what I'll play it straight if a cop comes along let him cut me off at the police station so your wife don't catch on but you better come along soon after and explain to the fuss and I want extra pay for that a deal to deal okay an extra 25 cop start shooting at me just like that shoot back you're kidding you're not serious you're kidding extra 10 for every bullet that hits you oh man then a joke would be on death ill for you what have I got myself in for up here a nut give me the gun give me the money and goodbye rolling with you guys in the army Gabby wobbly is you we got rid of fat wobbly okay there's supposed to be a fun thing but the way you you're really cooking up a double cross gabby a double whammy on me why you so service nervous yes I scared you got you ready to hold it back in the shadows Judy's come out again and without Vilma hey Judy you're coming Judy I told her I'd hurry along to calm down I'll drop you oh who needs to calm down sounds nice looks nice why did you handle that man back Gabby out of sight ready for a joke ready funny guy I'm sorry honey I'm a hill making such a fuss you'd be nice to go when she comes and I'll give you a big kiss now hey man man love is delight sorry I ain't got a camera only this pop gun but it'll feel for what I want oh who are you baby it's not who we is but what we got that counts I got a gun you got baggables toy gun like that toy gun wanna bet careful Wilma I don't do anything crazy these are crazy come into the alley out of the light so we don't draw a crowd let's keep this private too bad you don't know who you're attacking up again just come wallet, purse you just hold it buddy hey what's that gun you got what's this game you don't need that I kinda do you wonder if I got courage got to do what has to be done you still wonder now he dropped his gun yeah I'd better pick it up right now just in case it you didn't need to keep shooting what do you know you have to wipe out danger completely you leave nothing don't sneer don't laugh don't lecture me I ain't never gonna hear the end of this he's dead he's dead cause he had a gun but you moralizing you think it's okay just leaving these arm jerks around anyone dangerous or harmless looking like you that punk when my wife started to back out of the alley he shot and killed her all for Tom Gettis 614 yes Gettis shooting on the K Street alleyway between Porter and Tilson two wounded 10 ambulance fast that punk's guy if he did he shot and killed Judy so I shot and killed him how do you get a gun I run a security courier service had a rush job tonight after my men it's the only reason I'm carrying this gun what's your name Wolf Hinchcliffe here a denification permit works good you're not the Hinchcliffe of Vietnam yeah all I wish I wasn't stupid no rioting that punk picked the wrong guy on the wrong night we did all we could that's your wife yeah we couldn't pull her through dead pray so and that guy the one who shot her dead on arrival Hinchcliffe if your verbal reported the mugging and shooting would you mind signing at the bottom here for our police records there inspector there you are I've signed too many of these these in Vietnam how my guys died in the civilians but I never expected this here we expected but not the surprise your mugger got Mr. Gerstein Gerstein his name was Gerstein Gabby Gerstein Gerald Gerstein what could be the same guy though I didn't get much of a look at him in the alley here some shots taken of him in the hospital yeah that's the same guy alright had some drinks helped me at the sandbar while I was putting in time waiting for my wife to come out of the concert maybe I said something but can I pick her up so and so free drinks off me and jump from me yeah at my table yeah the waiter somebody there probably remembers I was dumb enough to tell him my name oh you're Captain Hinchcliffe usual bladder kept pumping me about the war he seemed a pleasant enough guy he turns out to be a punk a punk lady killer yeah it'd be good for this town if more punks on the prowl met up with vets who can take care of themselves the way you did so when the shooting is done the joke's on the punk huh what much room oh yeah yeah sure that would solve a few problems discourage some muggers yeah except you know there's no real solution when someone innocent as your wife that's it too I'm sorry to put you through this questioning Mr. Hinchcliffe I should give you a police medal no no thanks Judy's death makes everything else no of course of course what up Gabby what's the problem how do you do that like in a movie Gabby Gabby stop entertaining me I've had it with you go away those pimples scared me but I'm with well I see no more Gabby the punk no no but this is worse than then Judy you who wanted it this way not me you plan this your final joke on me Mr. Patsy you didn't care if I lost my wife Judy just as long as I pulled off this super final joke I'm shaking you right now splitting me what's true the concluding act of the jokes on guess who who is it me will I gotta see you Wilma I know it's late but let me in please not much to see as you can see I'm just gonna turn in the apartment without Judy it's spooky I need to be with somebody I have to go to work in the morning it's late I keep hearing that Gabby's voice laughing in himself the born Patsy now we had him in the army the loonies all doomed some coffee I just had a cup and then go please unwack you got anything stronger sorry you finished off my supply before you conch out on the couch there last night none of that tonight it's been okay in the day till today those reporters friends and Judy's relatives keeping me busy but the shooting was just a one day sensation how little anything matters in the world huh somebody killed yesterday forgotten the day there's your coffee thanks muffin hey you're cool tonight sweet Wilma how much sleep have I had these last nights you want to talk and talk and talk you're as bad as your friend Gabby's friend a fiend has guns been traced to this apartment building do you know that will yeah that's a weird coincidence stolen from the caretaker but please have figured that out you must have been trailing me for some time before you surfaced at the sandbar dumb punk thought I was rich because of my name thought I'd be carrying a bankroll Judy'd be wearing golden diamonds going to a concert drink up and go please that's real friendly sorry I like Judy I like her a lot and I feel very cheap now she's dead cheap I don't be so thick headed you and me are occasional cuddling it was cheap and it's over how can it be over now I was flattered sure will pinch Chris the war hero paying attention to me then I met Judy and it was never very right after that for me anyway didn't stop you did it no right now Judy keeps me awake at night like the murderer you murderer oh Gabby yeah I just hope that nothing I've done had anything to do with with what happened to poor Judy for what the devil do that mean I don't know at Gabby Gerstein some kind of Avenger to you getting back at us not an ex-boyfriend I hope instead all you can think of who knew more feelings for Judy than that honest if nothing happened yeah I had to do that in a war all the time dig in hang on forget feelings well I'm not going to forget mine well pinch Chris war hero what do you think that Gabby is doing to me I feel sorry for Judy what was done to her by you by me by that Gabby Gerstein so I'm the patsy am I the way it's turned out is that what you're thinking I'm confused I don't know what I'm thinking you too talking in circles like the cops like the relatives like everybody what should I have done drawn and fired sooner thrown myself on Gabby's gun as he blasted away I made all those mistakes in the war too I should have saved everybody and why didn't I survive this coward and to rub it in they load me down with medals it affects me good not be nice to me Vilma be nice so I don't forget what a loss I was to Judy I'll see you maybe tomorrow no more tonight please you mind being a witness for me tomorrow night when you come home from work witness some insurance papers I have to sign can't you get anybody else over here to decide but Derek if you signs witness I'm left with one chair what nothing yes these times situations formalities are difficult but life goes on the last thing I want is to profit from Judy's insurance policy can I just sign it over to some child care nurse where your boys club check comes to you do what you want but even that's not much of a gesture I mean a I got it good he's my total sorry to be bothering you with all this paperwork but it's everywhere isn't it to regulations I'd really head my head on right I'd have planned this better no reason to question your actions that night Mr. H. Cliff me in the same situation I had been the biggest coward but but the don't pass that round so the mother's in this town make a real pass to you me we'll keep it quiet the police couldn't appraise you more highly sir the way you handle that fellow bigger fools the cops why he's trying to convince himself he's at fault somehow and Judy's dead because of him I know Mr. H. Cliff it's such a phase after bereavement but why do they have to be these mad men in the world like me like that Gabby whatever his name was good night Mr. H. Cliff good night Miss Derek good night I should insure Judy for a million bucks and everything would be settled well please can't you get a hold on yourself unless you really have something to blurt out no no I'm playing the game what game everybody's game doesn't feel like my game Gabby's game he's bugging me into these moods this chatter I know a lot of it it's what senseless blurt it out to me first whatever whatever I what you're as bad as I am I'm going I've been your witness stay stay don't do oh don't you haven't been my witness but I don't want to hear what you're going to tell me I don't want to hear it anyway did she yet mom love you of all your feelings only your arm lucky you she sounds nice looks nice I think you're handled off man I can't I can't all the good things all the wonderful things all the kind things who are you talking to that Gabby I can't get him out of this room or out of my head things you do and say don't seem real anymore oh it's real I know it's real yeah there's been a switcheroo oh come on sit down I'll tell you all about it oh welcome can't take another one I was just going to drop round and tell you what we found out about this girl Gabby Gerstein you said with a trip I found out a lot about him too now have a seat sorry about the clutter before we can clear one case away and get tidied up around here at the police station got six more partners out of the service so my case is filed to the archives almost forgotten well we've got our traces out this is Gabby Gerstein no previous record reports on him nice guy unreliable but ok something of a clown game for anything but accident poem joked a lot about himself he's always saying I know can't you stop him he's driving me crazy with his chatter and his laugh a real switcheroo didn't expect that what did you say that's him not me you are ready to fully stick up to him break your life without break you are as I went for I'll leave it pretty funny yes inside me now that's not me talking that's him I can see a really great fool in both friends and both surprise surprise got a second job shoot me then take my gun and shoot your lovely wife dead and scream and scream it was all his fault you ever hear of anything crazier than Gabby's talk and laugh it's the last laugh believe you me Wilfinge Cliff is that what happened is that what you did yes I got tired of Judy quickly and wanted somebody else but without so much bother no no there's nobody else it was too wonderful with Judy I needed to spoil it I tried but she stayed wonderful she never wanted to think or talk about the war whenever I was happy I thought about the war and the guys I couldn't figure out how everything was so good for me when it was all wiped out from the floor my friends nothing more nothing left so I had to stop it for me too but that Gabby killing himself laughing over the biggest joke of all driving me crazy but he's right he stopped laughing funny isn't it inspector there's a new guess who the jokes on the big joke Gabby Gerstein's friend Hinge Cliff and I'm right here where you need me here's Roebuck & Company where our policy is satisfaction guaranteed or your money back Sears where America shops for value the jokes on guess who was written by Lynn Peterson produced and directed by Fletcher Markle your host was Vincent Price our stars were Barney Phillips and Robert Towers featured in the cast were Peggy Weber Shepard Menken, Joan McCall Jack Carroll and Ivor Prenzel the music for Sears Radio Theater was composed and conducted by Nelson Riddle this is Art Gilmore speaking the Elliott Lewis production of Sears Radio Theater the production of CBI people like Donna Michael and Tom Lewis by KMOX FM St. Louis the interim president of Nicaragua apparently has left the country most of the Nicaraguan National Guard troops reportedly have given up and Sandinista guerrillas may be ready to take control of the country this is John Bohannon reporting on the CBS Radio Network Francisco Acuyo was interim president for about a day and a half following the resignation of Anastacio Simosa Acuyo said he would stay on but today he apparently changed his mind left his headquarters and was taken to the airport in Managua United Press International says Acuyo is on his way to Guatemala reports late tonight indicate that most of the remaining National Guardsmen have agreed to surrender to the rebels although a few holdouts are still on duty in Managua curfew is still being imposed on the general population CBS News reporter Charles Gomez and other journalists are inside the intercontinental hotel in Managua and he says they're concerned about what might happen next you have a situation where the National Guard does not have the leader of a country anymore and they're simply waiting for the Sandinista Frente to come into the city the only people remaining in the intercontinental hotel which is next door to the bunker are some members of the international press corps and just a few members of the government and the mood here is very very tense because many people fear that perhaps the Sandinistas might decide to come into Managua even tonight as soon as they hear that President Acuyo has left the country reporter Charles Gomez in Managua President Carter has officially appointed his administration's first Chief of Staff Hamilton Jordan one of Jordan's first moves in his formal title was to send out several hundred staff evaluation forms to cabinet officers and White House assistance and detailed reports on performances and personalities of subordinates the forms also ask for information on maturity, stability and loyalty of all political appointees in the administration and they're expected to be returned to Jordan's office by Friday Mr. Carter held meetings today with several top aides and with at least one cabinet official but there's still no clear word on which resignations he'll accept or when the US dollar opened Thursday's trading on the Tokyo foreign exchange at some Wednesday's closing there was some good economic news today from the federal government housing construction during June rose to its highest level of the year but the housing industry says it's just a statistical fluke and predicts a sharp drop in housing construction in the months ahead a chief economist for the National Association of Home Builders Michael Schmaer says some stock builders stockpile building permits earlier in the year especially in Florida and then use them during June to push up the overall order workers union open bargaining talks today with Chrysler by promising not to make it a strike target the union also is making an unprecedented request to the federal government to help Chrysler the UAW says government fuel economy and pollution rules are putting a severe financial squeeze on the company a new race is threatening the human race Joseph Weisenbaum told the conference of scientists and theologians meeting in Cambridge Massachusetts that humans are being dwarfed by computers he says the computers are also alienating so serious as Weisenbaum is we're rapidly losing physical and mental control of our society he says the signs are everywhere massively distorted perceptions of reality to the