 Finally what we're really here for this evening is to hear our speaker Kevin Blyre. He has a interesting and really fun bio but I'm gonna read just a little bit of it because in looking at it he is clearly much more interesting and much more entertaining than I am and his voice is not hoarse. But the short version is he is an Emmy award-winning writer for the daily show with John Stewart. He is also he's also written for for President Obama's speeches at the correspondence dinner for the past four years I think. He's written for some other very interesting shows and all sorts of good stuff but as I said I'm gonna let him tell you all about the Constitution and how we're gonna rework it. I can't wait to hear it. We do have books for sale afterwards. I'm already making my list so he will be signing them so if you are interested you can buy a book afterwards. He will sign it. We will have food and drinks afterwards and I encourage y'all to stay around. Talk, come up with your own amendments to the Constitution, whatever it is he encourages us to do. We're glad to have y'all. No no no no no no no that is far too appropriate apparently apparently. Now I just have to say I know they say everything is bigger in Texas but that would certainly apply to this podium wouldn't it? Now I realize I'm not a big man. I'm not a tall man but I remind you neither was James Madison and he's the father of the Constitution so the very least I've often said that I see only as far as I do with this project because I stand on the shoulders of short man and between the two of us we can probably be a full-sized real person. Well good evening my fellow citizens. Now you are still my fellow citizens right? You haven't seceded quite yet. I know that I know that the night is young so who knows what might happen. I have to say this at the top. I assumed that this room would be amused by this. This is a true story. Just before I started this tour I received this email from Doris Kerns Goodwin and like I said in this kind of room that that that's an egregious name drop I realize. Well Doris Kerns Goodwin just emailed me and this is actually him right? And this is literally what she said. She said have fun I'll be there in spirit along with James Madison and Alexander Hamilton which begs this word of caution if any of you are sitting next to Alexander Hamilton or James Madison or their spirit let me know because I'm actually told and this is something I just learned recently there is an animatronic LBJ somewhere around her that might protect us all. I also love that her email forgive me for taking a huge preface here but her email ends with eight exclamation points and I can't help but think she doesn't use that eight exclamation point method in any of her Pulitzer Prize winning histories and that seems like an opportunity really to be missed you know she could say they were a team of rivals she doesn't do it anyway it is a special thrill to be here in Austin and especially here at the LBJ library and it does seem appropriate on this occasion with you all staring at me expectantly and me standing at this huge podium that I say a few words not just on my behalf but on behalf of every free thinking freedom-loving American who as as I say has ever slew to the bald eagle carved a giant face into a mountainside or dreamed and they dreamt of a place called democracy my name is Kevin Blier and it is true what you've heard I have rewritten the Constitution the United States single-handedly with really no help from any of you people I really could have appreciated that I'm exhausted when I tell people that I've rewritten the Constitution what I offer the question I often hear either from their lips or just in my head is why really why did you do that and it is a fair question and there are any number of very good reasons why beginning with this good explanations I had no choice as you may have heard Thomas Jefferson told me to for was Jefferson who said and by the way who I think we can all agree is one of the most foundry of our founding fathers he said every Constitution naturally expires at the end of 19 years if it be enforced longer is that it is an act of force and not of right so by his math and I'll take his math the US Constitution should have been rewritten 11 time 11 times by now it has been expired for over 200 years dead flat lined kaput an ex-parent you might say his words not mine so honestly I actually feel bad that I'm just getting to it now I've been slacking for over two centuries then again Jefferson was over in Paris at the time when the delegates at the Constitution Convention were doing the hard work of getting ready and preparing and writing that Constitution so really only they know how hard it is to write a Constitution and now me now what's more it would also seem that our Constitution needs a little bit of good publicity these days in my research for this book or as I should call it my research oh yes I've won Emmys people for that kind of for that kind of word play I learned a few pretty astounding things about our founding document beginning with this 20 years ago I think actually 25 years ago of the 170 countries that then existed a full 160 of them based their constitutions at least in part on our Constitution in the last 25 years how many fledgling democracies look to our Constitution as a model apparently zero they look instead to South Africa and to and this one is especially galling Canada we are getting skunked by Canada people this is apparently because other constitutions right care more as they say about oh I think like human rights I guess is what they say and something called the and the environment environment there it is by the way I was looking around earlier in the in the library here and I you got to think that that's something Lady Big Johnson would actually prove up because I think the country every Constitution might actually insist on a wildflower research center that's pretty cool right and also in fact when Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg was in Egypt a couple months ago she said that she would actually not look to the American Constitution if she were designing a democracy in 2012 and I thought that was pretty interesting because if she's not willing to blindlessly thoughtlessly cheerlead for the American Constitution even though it is she's got the robe she's in it she's in the position to protect it it's her job requirement I thought why can't I despite being totally unqualified to do so the only time I wear a robe is at the spa nonetheless why then the question becomes well why rewrite the Constitution rather than just point at it and say hey guys it's not so bad right it's not so bad why pile on with 300 pages pointing out where each and every article and each for each and every amendment goes wildly admittedly comically wrong and actually I begin the book with a an anecdote from American history which of course is the best kind of history that might explain why read it now by the way this is my bookmark it's an occupational hazard I plucked this off a goose in Greece true story right there I keep it right there on the front yes the question was where do I keep it and I thought that was really kind of a personal question so I punted and I just said I keep it in the book here's here's how I begin to justify this entire enterprise their beloved Bell was in jeopardy it had hung dutifully for decades peeling hourly from its steeple above the Pennsylvania State House breaking the peace of the Philadelphia streets only to remind its citizens that time had marched on and all was well but these were no longer peaceful times it was 1777 a year after America had declared her independence from the British crown and only days after her lion-hearted general George Washington had suffered a withering defeat at the Battle of Brandywine all signs were that Philadelphia the revolutionary capital might well be the next to fall fearing that the king's men would melt any metal they found into British cannons a few American Patriots confiscated their own Bell soon to be known appropriately as the Liberty Bell and hit it in the safest place they could find under a pile of horse manure true story the gambit worked the marauding redcoats never got their British hands on our American Liberty the lesson learned back then rings as clear today sometimes in order to save and honor something we cherish we have to shit on it now I admit I have to say right here I admit that I was a little worried whether it might be appropriate to swear in a presidential library but then I realized this is the LBJ library I think he'd approve I hope that gives me the political cover to write this book I also have to say that I was amused to see last week you might have seen this too that the maintenance crew the caretakers at Independence Hall in Philadelphia spent an entire day adding a protective shellac to the Liberty Bell and I couldn't help but think knowing now where these American revolutionary soldiers and such had hid the Liberty Bell they're about 240 years late on that piece of shellac anyway the last couple weeks people have also asked where did you get the idea to rewrite the Constitution I mean that's a pretty crazy thing to do well in my research sorry me search I learned that actually I wasn't the first to do it someone just a little bit crazy had tried to do it decades before I had and in fact I should add that I first read about this someone in Sanford Levinson's book your esteemed law professor in the area who I believe might be here tonight and well Sandy I should thank you because while the revelation that I wasn't the first did break my heart ultimately it did motivate me as well and here's how here's a little story about this gentleman pay attention this is important a man named Rexford Guy Tugwell who actually existed and whose cartoonish name therefore I did not make up spent the last 30 years of his life trying to rewrite the Constitution of the United States before his death in 1979 he composed 32 separate drafts of a revised Constitution a new and improved set of guiding principles he hoped would be appropriate to the modern times accepted by his government and embraced by his nation he failed although he completed his fool's errand and published his draft with a reputable publisher who frankly should have known better it rhymes with Marper's magazine his proposals were a little bit two nutballs for even the indulgence sensibilities of the 1970s replaced the 50 states with 20 republics elect the president to one nine-year term add two branches of government eliminate the Senate rename the United States of America the new states of America I know not balls right he had fooled many people even presidents for decades armed with a degree in agricultural economy from Wharton in the 1920s Tugwell was a vocal and cherished part of FDR so-called brain trust and served as an architect of the new deal in 19th in the 1930s he was even featured on the cover of Time Magazine in 1934 then things got weird Tugwell a devotee of the literature of revolt and reconstruction became the first and mercifully only head of FDR's notorious resettlement administration a federal agency tasked with relocating the urban poor to the suburbs Tugwell took to the gig like a pig to mud it wasn't long before he and the agency were attacked for being socialist in utopian and just a little bit nutballs something about a crazy notion to relocate the urban poor to the suburbs there were other early signs of his lack of judgment during a 1927 junket to the Soviet Union Tugwell missed a six-hour meeting with Joseph Stalin because he lost track of time while touring a collective farm to repeat Tugwell was too busy studying communism to meet with Joseph Stalin then apparently taking his desire to get off the fast track to literally he went to work for the American molasses company whose name it must be said I also did not make up one last hurrah and American politics beckoned when New York mayor of Fiorilla Fiorilla LaGuardia appointed Tugwell chairman of the New York City Planning Commission here to he ruffled feathers insisting publicly that his commission was no less than the fourth power of government news to both mayor LaGuardia and Park Commissioner Robert Moses his options exhausted Tugwell went south in 1942 he became the governor of Puerto Rico having received zero votes and having won no election at the time the Puerto Rican governorship was an appointed position and FDR was more than happy to appoint him as far away as possible some measure of his success there might be surmised by the fact that soon after he left office the position became an elective one the people of Puerto Rico insisted on their right to choose their leader it was then as the 1950s approach that Tugwell began having bright ideas the 20th century was already half over and as the nation marched towards its 200th birthday he began to feel that its creaky constitution was nothing to celebrate really that our basic laws inadequate to our modern needs needed total reassessment his words so much like Alexis to Tocqueville but exactly the opposite Tocqueville traveled throughout America to learn his virtues Tugwell ditched America the catalog its faults Tugwell began to write a series of articles which turned into a small library of books which turned into one heck of a delusion of grandeur that he the guy who missed the meeting with Stalin who had spent years making a sweetener for baked beans and it was best known as the former governor of Spanish speaking Puerto Rico should rewrite the Constitution of the United States of America a mere 30 years later he had rewritten our preeminent founding document no one really noticed at the time of his death he was a little known academic living in Santa Barbara while I mock his failure I admire his cojones for Rexford guy Tugwell agricultural economist pseudo communist actual person nutball may have been a misguided crank yet he tried and failed to do what I have yet only failed to try that ends now Tugwell knew as I have come to learn that the Constitution the Framers wrote is as the kids might say a bit of a hot mess for starters think about this this venerated document doesn't actually mention slavery or democracy or even Facebook pre IPO I mean they could have gotten in early on that although maybe they that was wise it plays favorites among the states giving Wyoming as many senators as New York or Texas and I mean come on it has typos and misspellings and a smudge that and this is true may or may not be a comma giving empowering the government to seize your house depending on which constitutional scholar you ask it is scrawled with the quill of a goose on the skin of a goat and its preamble its most famous introductory passage was written by a man with a peg leg which if you think about it gives our sacred Constitution wait for it hardly a leg to stand on yes technically a peg leg that is what they called it back then it is not being politically incorrect you appreciate that and again Emmy's people plural grown if you must and perhaps should but the founders knew all this too and by the way let me just take a step back you may have read in a statement that my fixture in the statesman this morning that my fixture article for which is supposed to help referee disputes between the states my fix is merely to give up and just rank the states already and I ranked Texas is number five now I could always change the ranking people depending on how the rest of tonight's go so you know treat me nice or Pennsylvania might just leapfrog a few states that's what I'm saying you know where was I oh yes George Washington himself Washington it was he who predicted the flawed Constitution would someday become controversial a child of fortune he declared to be fostered by some but buffeted by others and lo and behold it has become a child of fortune his prediction was absolutely right say what you will about George Washington he may have had wooden teeth but he had great vision you're welcome yes and another groaner you know is coming LBJ has some groaners too so yes Washington wished it quote had been made more perfect stomach Franklin stomached it only quote with all its faults in fact the speech that Benjamin Franklin gave on the last day of the convention sums up I think somewhat hilariously what he as the oldest and therefore wisest delegate in the room might have actually really thought about the Constitution it's a bit of damning with faint praise and bear with me just try to read between the lines on this a little bit he said I confess that there are several parts of this Constitution which I do not at present approve but I am not sure that I will never approve them I doubt when it whether any other convention we can obtain may be able to make a better Constitution for when you assemble a number of men to have the advantage of their joint wisdom you inevitably assemble with those men all their prejudices their passions their errors of opinion their local interests and their selfish views from such an assembly can a perfect production be expected thus I consent to this Constitution and this is my favorite phrase not that's I consent to the Constitution because I expect no better and because I am not sure that it is not the best you might say he sounds like a Republican endorsing Romney people people thank you I write for the Daily Show I have to throw a couple of those in there right and by the way when I say that Franklin gave the speech I don't even mean that he gave the speech to delicate James Wilson to give on his behalf he couldn't really be bothered to get up and say it it's the 1787 version of phoning in a little bit anyway because after all while we think of our Constitution as the painstakingly designed blueprint drawn up by yes an assembly of demigods the framers in Philadelphia that assembly of demigods knew the truth the Constitution wasn't exactly a blueprint it was as much an etch a sketch a haphazard series of blunders shaken clean true and redrawn dozens of times during a sweltering summer of petty debates drunken ramblings wild improvisation and desperate compromise imagine it they were in Philadelphia in the middle of the summer in an unventilated room no AC wearing powdered wigs wool coats you see you know pungent they shuttered the windows they locked the doors for privacy there was a prison riot across the street butchers were throwing animal carcasses into the gutters right outside so you know very pungent not exactly the best scenario for rational thinking for four months and to make it all even remotely bearable and this is true they were drinking beer for breakfast now admittedly most people drank beer and for breakfast because water was considered unsafe but nonetheless they were drinking beer for breakfast fact some of them drank so much I'm looking at you Luther Martin that you stood up and gave a six-hour speech rambling that I'm sure you thought was very charming anyway plus this is interesting fascinating by the way I hope one thing when you when you read the book you'll see my true joy in learning just the rollicking four months of this constitutional convention that it is truly an amazing narrative and I spent a good third of the book at the top sprinkled in with the executive in the judicial branches and the legislative branch explaining what happened but that was truly the most joyful part of the book writing for me but I that's a digression I also want to say how it devolved they adopted two procedural procedural rules at the beginning of the summer that I'm sure seemed like good ideas at the time but would not be taught in organizational classes at any business school first they rejected a motion quote to call for the a's and nays to have them entered into the minutes in other words to keep track of what the hell is going on a few delegates actually including George Mason thought that keeping track would be quote an obstacle to change of opinions as if politicians ever needed a reason to change their opinion they also adopted a so-called committee of the whole that meant that even things that have been voted on and decided on could at any time be revisited and re-voted on by anyone who thought it was worth revisiting or just wanted to play a little political whack-a-mole you know so you can imagine the horse trading that went on as the summer wore on oh so that's how you want to design the legislative branch okay well then I take back my suggestions about the judicial it was truly truly horse trading nor is it hard to imagine that by the end of the summer when some delegates were threatening mutiny and others had just up and left that they were so sick of each other and so at sea on many of the big decisions that summer that they assigned a smaller group of delegates called the committee of style and arrangement to actually begin writing the thing at night even though they hadn't really decided what would be in it their thought was just give it a shot show it to us if we like it heck we might vote on it you don't know and actually ultimately that's kind of what they did in fact you don't really have to manage it imagine it I haven't given you all the details but I do spend a good portion the book accounting for the devolution of the convention and this is more or less how I sum it up now we understand how it all happened or rather almost didn't the Constitution wasn't exactly a miracle at Philadelphia written by an assembly of demigods on the contrary what began as a measured deliberate effort to rescue a beleaguered country became a perpetual unresolved motion machine a maddening cycle of non-binding votes by a parade of toothless committees marked by fits and starts fights and full stops conducted by a combative group of exhausted drunken broke petty partisan scheming squabbling bloviating backstabbing grandstanding godforsaken posturing restless cow tipping I explained that earlier true homesick cloistered claustrophobic sensory deprived under oxygenated fed up talked out overheated delegates so distraught and despairing they threatened violence secession foreign allegiance even prayer and concluded for those who didn't abandon the proceedings altogether with with as much premeditation and forethought as a game of musical chairs the last least abhorrent mutually somewhat acceptable idea on the table when the music stopped or the heat became too unbearable or the liquor too strong or the rioting too loud or the pressure too intense or the company too loathsome or the wigs too uncomfortable or the patients too thin became the law of the land as much the product of yes an assembly of demigods as possibly a confederacy of dunces from page one the Confederate Constitution is by its own admission a great compromise it is also what you get when you drink beer for breakfast I mean honestly the miracle of Philadelphia isn't that they got the thing written it's that they didn't write it on the back of a bar napkin I sometimes wonder which actually brings me to my occasional drinking companion during the research and writing of this book what are the more fortunate accidents in this book is getting to have lunch with Justice Scalia I wanted to meet with Justice Scalia because I thought you know who on the face of the planet would really be most amenable to a page one rewrite of the Constitution I thought certainly it was the man who has devoted his entire life to protecting every word clause section amendment an article in the thing especially protecting it from fools like me and he is a man as you know who does not really suffer fools actually interestingly he too believes like Jefferson that the Constitution is quote dead his words and he told me as much the difference is he means dead as a compliment he means quit trying to revive it quit trying to make it a living Constitution just he asked you just to remember what it stood for and admire it for its better days you know like Frank Sinatra or Greece and to my great surprise yes he agreed to meet with me we talked to many things constitutional but I knew at some point I would have to turn our attention to the revisions I plan to make in the third article his bread and butter his gainful employment the judicial branch and of course my proposed change to the Supreme Court possibly revoke lifetime tenure of course that's when he grabbed a fork pointed at me across that small table and growled don't you dare don't you dare revoke lifetime tenure and then added with a bit of a mischievous grin and if you do at least grandfather me in because I like my job he said and actually not only does the justice know to have a notoriously good sense of humor the Constitution he defends says nothing about lifetime tenure it says merely the justices shall serve and I'm sure some of you in this room know justices shall serve during quote good behavior and somewhere along the way early on and for good reasons that I do address in the book we chose to interpret that as lifetime tenure but then I ask the way I do must we should we and somehow I find the found the courage I muster the courage to to challenge the justice on it and it went like this I don't bother lecturing Justice Scalia on any of this after decades of legal study in 25 years of service as one of America's top judges he's been fully briefed instead I begin my cross-examination how about you I ask how about me what he counters can you imagine just walking away of course I can he scoffs with a couldn't care less tone that implies he just as soon leave today if he hadn't just signed a two-year lease on a supreme court locker when I ask like I've said before as soon as I'm not firing on all eight cylinders when I'm not doing the job as well as I used to it'll be time to go how will you know when that is he looks me straight in the eye I'll know you're treading on thin ice counselor I'm thinking so you don't need some outside authority limiting the term of your serve I'm fairly aware of the requirements of the position he says I'll know when I can no longer fulfill them like I said thin ice and yet what if I told you your honor that someone even more powerful than you says you're wrong about that and who is that someone you know quite well he looks at me wondering if he should ask who if this were a case in some courtroom drama this is the moment when I would stand slowly scan the jury look back at the judge and call on my surprise witness may it please the court I shall now call to the stand dramatic pause the current chief justice of the Supreme Court of the United States if this were indeed a courtroom drama the double doors in the back of the room would fly open the stenographer would record the reaction of the gallery audible gasps and Chief Justice John G. Roberts Jr. would saunter up the aisle hesitating only long enough to lock eyes with fellow Justice Scalia and feel his glare at to Robert a Roberts would then explain to the ladies and gentlemen of the jury that no matter what he says or how he pleads for mercy Justice Antonin Scalia should have been kicked off the court exactly 10 years ago back in real life I explain what the hell I'm talking about when he was a lawyer in the Reagan White House 22 years before he joined the Supremes John Roberts argued on behalf of a 15-year term limit for Supreme Court justices it was both a pragmatic proposal as he saw it the founders quote adopted life tenure at a time when people simply did not live as long as they do now and a principled one for many of the reasons I've trotted out quote a judge insulated from the normal currents of life for 25 or 30 years was a rarity then but has become in commonplace today he wrote in a White House memo setting a term of say 15 years would ensure that federal judges would not lose all touch with reality through decades of ivory tower existence it is an indictment of a lifetime tenure too compelling to ignore as I finish explaining this one thing is clear Scalia knew nothing of this is that so he asks Roberts thought that I have outlawed the longest serving associate justice at the Supreme Court really he thought that he asks again yes I say pausing a beat for dramatic effect yes he did for a moment Scalia seems speechless he can muster no defense even though we're sitting in the National Gallery not the Supreme Court and eating lunch not arguing case law I am tempted to shout the prosecution rests slam an imaginary briefcase and march out triumphantly but I don't I stay and Scalia's grin returns well he says I doubt he does anymore he has a good point Roberts doesn't think that anymore when Roberts himself was asked about his previous comments at his confirmation hearings in 2005 he flip-flopped predictably his perspective on the issue had evolved as the law professor Larry Sabato as eloquently put it on the issue of lifetime tenure where one stands depends on where one sits Scalia's joke seems to put him back on the offense so he asks so it was an argument that it's time to be before so what so are you going to make me retire with your new Constitution I mean I've been here longer than 15 years oh he's not on the attack he's throwing himself at the mercy of my court no sir I'm not here to fire Justice Scalia though I appreciate his acknowledgement of my authority to do so so what exactly do you propose I thought he never asked simple I say your new article 3 the judicial power of the United States shall be vested in one Supreme Court I'm doing my best to speak incursive and the judges shall hold their offices during good behavior Scalia seems confused but that's what article 3 already says he says not exactly I clarify I dropped the you from behavior to make it more American but otherwise that's article 3 of the Constitution indeed it is your honor indeed it is it was I was certain a remedy for article 3 that an original like Justice Scalia could not help but support we take it literally we revive the original article and we honor its original language judges shall hold their offices during good behavior surely a died in the parchment originalist wouldn't mind a stricter adherence to the text of the original the virgin article the genuine article before was corrupted over decades of convenient interpretations by let's say self-serving and self-preserving justices of all political stripes who in these are true stories stayed too long on the court merely to spite a president or will away a stroke or stave off a retirement of pinocchio and shuffleboard not exactly good behavior the founders never declared explicitly the good behavior necessarily meant for life so why on this occasion only wouldn't originalists throw his lot in with living constitutionalists eager to blend bend the Constitution to their will wouldn't have died in the parchment originalist want to be compelled to honor the Constitution's original language to play it as it lays I had him dead to rights surely he a man who swore by the letter of the law would swear by the letter of this law that is save one letter to which he owed his entire career I have to say I was pretty proud of my judicial jujitsu but who determines good behavior he asks good behavior I correct him he was pronouncing the you that's what I said he says who gets to decide I've anticipated this question Scalia listens closely as I propose a judging body composed of three people appointed by the president whose sole responsibility is to determine whether the justices are passing the good behavior test as revived by my new constitution he gets what I'm aiming at a supreme supreme court he says with a laugh Scalia is evidently amused by the idea I can tell he's not ruling it out just one question he says I raise my chin and allow it yes your honor how long do they serve I hadn't thought of that so now that I hope I have justified this book's existence to Justice Scalia and to you here at the lbj library and to the ghosts of Hamilton Madison I know you're out there somewhere let me conclude with this thought before I take what I hope will be a few of your softball questions you're probably asking yourself all right sounds great Kevin but does the world really need yet another book about a man who single-handedly rewrites the Constitution by himself I mean tug well and now you enough really and I would say to you oh you bet it does because ladies and gentlemen patriots and patriots the Constitution is hot like 50 shades of gray hot people are constantly quoting it even though they haven't read it people are hiding behind it even though they're not quite sure what it says and as a piece of literature the only thing that would make the Constitution hotter was if James Madison were a vampire it's so popular that right now somewhere in America a thousand tea partiers are misquoting it it's so amazing that somewhere Kanye West is interrupting an acceptance speech to insist that it should have won it's so exciting that somewhere Anthony Wiener is tweeting pics of himself having just read it that's for that okay there we go which is why on behalf of America that was for the back of the room I appreciate that one thank you which is why on behalf of America I have paid every price bore every burden met every hardship and saved every receipt in my quest to assure its survival and why now you ask well ladies and gentlemen at a time when Michelle Bachman believes the battles of Lexington and Concord were fought in New Hampshire at a time when Sarah Palin believes Paul Revere made his midnight ride to warn the British that we were armed at a time when and this is true John Boehner believes we hold these truths to be self-evident is his favorite part of the preamble to the Constitution even though it's the Declaration of Independence at a time when we have no reason to believe James Madison wasn't a vampire it shouldn't be too hard to believe this that I Kevin Blyre sure I'm the most qualified man to rear at the Constitution United States as John Stewart said think of it as 50 shades of red white and blue I hope you enjoy it and I hope that while you're still part of the Union you get out there and you help me ratify it thank you very much happy to take some questions about anything I might not have addressed so far thank you thank you very much if any of you have questions I will happily hear it try to recite it and so everyone can hear please yes in the front row right here right true reparations I understand I'm flattered that you call me a rich white man if this book sells sure why not right how many copies you want to buy but yes I addressed that I addressed a number of things I mean as you know depending on your perspective you might argue that the Constitution has made great gains across the board from voting rights to every representation to everything and I actually speaking we're in the great place right here LBJ you know the Voting Rights Act for that matter as you know he knew that the Constitution could withstand it and so I argue about why we should embrace our right to vote and all of us should of course get to write get the right to vote I make some comic hay out of rather ridiculous I think proposals about extending the Voting Rights Act to kind of its ridiculous extremes there are those out there in the world and maybe some of you are here today so forgive me if I say it that believe that say mothers should get to the right get to vote for as many children as they plan to have that kind of thing plan to have I'm not kidding not just pregnant though I get to but plan to have I'm gonna have a family of five so looking ahead I really should get five votes so there you can go too far with these things but I think that we can all agree that we've made the right gains as far as representation as far as treating people like humans you know the the fatal flaw of the Constitution has been luckily you know amended and I think we all know what I'm referring to and so that's a great thing so but yes buy the book and it'll go right into my coffers and then I can be that rich man that you claim I am appreciate that please write the front row there's nothing besides being a comedy writer that's that's all oh sure I wanted to be this is a real journalist yes I wanted to be a real journalist I had these grand designs of being actually a war correspondent in some far-flung region you know I wanted to be a stringer in Beirut I thought that was a very romantic thing to do and I and I didn't give up the ghost on that real quick I in fact I would even argue that I still haven't but I will tell you what kind of an amusing thing that's come to pass the question was besides being forgive me the besides being a comedy writer what did I actually want to do when I what did I what I did major in the school for example I majored in journalism and and my brother my older brother is a an anchor man sports anchor and he seemed to enjoy his gig so I thought maybe I'll do something similar but I wanted to go even more far-flung like I said across the world and report wars what have you it amuses me that I got waylaid from that I did work in London for just shy of a year and I thought maybe that's the leapfrog I was working for public radio at the time American public radio and and I thought well maybe I'll go there but instead I found myself moving to Los Angeles and I got a job as a satirical writer on politically incorrect with Bill Maher 1996-97 and and I was still thinking I want to go off and be a workhorse on it someday and forgive me for a bit of a digression but I will say that after that show was canceled I actually went to show time in a cable channel and sold a show that that I would be the host of and in our and they bought it and we and we made the pilot didn't go to series but in that pilot I it's March 2003 and we were just it was the rack war was just you know launched and I was you may remember the actual news this is a bit of a satirical topical talk show much I would see if it was it was an early bad or a worse version of the Colbert rapport but in that in that show I should take one step back and say the news of that week was that they were strapping cameras on the dolphins to search the perimeters of aircraft carriers or they were planning to I don't if you heard about this they didn't want to repeat the USS Cole bombing and what have you so in my pilot I was an embedded correspondent in the Iraq war but I wasn't embedded from a CNN or from MSNBC I was embedded from the animal planet there to make sure that no tanks crushed any lemurs and what have you so I was pretending to be a war correspondent in a far-flung real war for a cable channel but then cut for four years later I'm working for the Daily Show and I've been there for a few years and we go to Iraq and I and Rob Riggle go to Iraq for two weeks so oddly enough I went from wanting to be a real correspondent to pretending to be a war correspondent on a fake show to actually going and being a war correspondent so to speak for a fake television show it the levels of meta I'm still trying to work my head around you know we traded the green screen for the green zone for a little bit and and frankly went at a time that other news it was right during the surge August 2007 we went at a time when there weren't a lot of other networks going there so there's even the soldiers they were saying you know you guys are doing a little more work right now in this month than other people have come by in a while you know it was an honor I gotta say yes please we'll work our way back oh I can tell it's gonna be a hardball here we go go in 19 years like Thomas Jefferson told me to I have to I don't have a choice yes taxes sure send it along yeah now Texas the state or Texas the country which one are you gonna ask me to touch it's funny people have asked what what document I might do next and there are a bunch of options although part of me thinks that I will probably have to rewrite the federal's papers just to justify what I've done here in the same way that the federal's papers were to justify the Constitution in the first place to try to get everybody ratify it I might have to I have some explaining to do I think is part of it you know comic explaining yeah yeah we'll keep working back in the aisle here yes please we call it me search yes go on yes it's an interesting question and first of all I don't pretend to know all the answers I just pretend to know all the answers so can I give you a straight out yes or no I can't but I do address it a little bit I go all the way back to 1792 I believe when when George Washington had the militia act and insisted that everyone have to act have to buy a gun because I believe that's one of the cases they're actually using to determine this so I say there is some precedent for it is not so far afield to assume that the Commerce Clause might actually have a say in whether or not we should all be forced to to you know pay for our health care whether or not we want to I don't come out on either side of that for that actual that article that addresses the Commerce Clause but I will say that I lost my train of thought oh I know it was essentially what I do with each of these articles and I hope this is where there's some utility here is that I do address the issues I do address what people have debated about what might be wrong or right with each article and amendment and get to the nub of it and then of course go on in my flights of fancy as far as what I think the ridiculous absurd solution would be but I do address the that that protect particular issue I will I will admit that I don't come out on one side of the other because I'm not even though I pretend to be a Supreme Court justice I'm not actually one and I'll let them to define that so forgive the punt on that particular one yeah indeed please right here happy to answer that I would say it's classified people have asked well which jokes to do right now that's classified we can't that is the speech writer slash joke writers code I would never claim which ones remind but it's it's an honor I mean I will tell you I've you know I've written for a lot of really established comedians Bill Maher Dennis Miller John Stewart others and it's always a thrill to see someone nail it and get the joke and it first of all enjoy the joke but then also go in front of an audience and say it and I don't you know there was a great article you might have seen a week and a half ago in the New York Times that Dick Cavett wrote about giving away all of his best material and seeing other people and whether or not he would always get asked do you resent it do you want to be up there doing it and say no I this is the best of all possible worlds I get to make sure I get to sit behind the screen and watch people enjoy my jokes and let somebody else fail if it fails but but to answer that more directly about the president of course it's an honor I can remember the first time he said something of mine and I was actually not at the that particular event I was at home and I was reading kind of a live blog and sure I gave out a bit of a Yelp like wow that happened I've seen it a bunch of times now in person of course and it's a thrill what I love about him as a showman is that he's really good at it he has that ability to not only know that he's enjoyed to let people know that he's enjoying himself but he does that thing where as the laughter if it's either boisterous or not dies down he does that little which makes you know that he enjoyed it as well I will also tell you I'll confide and you say that one of my jokes did not go over very well and I kind of had a chance it wasn't going to there's a little bit too inside baseball for even that inside baseball crowd that was at the radio and TV Correspondence Center and and and he did all I would ever want him to do which is when the joke got very little laugh he kind of looked around I liked that joke all I I need an audience of one and they if that's that's all I need if you ever had just an audience of one and that was enough it would be the president of the United States yes it's a pleasure it's true yeah indeed and yes in the back please I do address it um what it's in the in first of all in the fourth article in which as I said that's the article which kind of suggests that the states need to find some way to get along and then it's supposed to referee the the the you know any kind of disagreements between the states now granted what I do is say yes if you were allowed to get gay married in Massachusetts does that mean it should be recognized in other states if you want to have assisted suicide in Oregon does that mean it should be recognized in other states or medical marijuana or just marijuana for that matter and since we're getting more divided more polarized but I also all would also suggest that I believe in America that states are separate and individual and kind of interesting in their own ways so there's it is getting harder to referee among the states because we're getting to the nub of some very significant issues that we might that the founders would never have foreseen I don't think you can actually look back and say top Jefferson or Washington definitely addressed gay marriage they didn't so it's it's kind of ridiculous to say well what did they say about it but to again punch just a little bit what I do is say okay we have these other we have these problems among the states that is to say we don't agree on every issue and we're disagreeing on more and more issues every day the only way we could actually do this without another civil war of over something minor is to go ahead and rank the states top to bottom so I say you know New York number one come from New York Texas number five goes all the way down to poor Rhode Island now I've gotten a little bit of guff about this to take a little bit of aggression here too I they excerpted part of my book in which I kind of lean into Nebraska and didn't quite explain that it was a bit of an arbitrary decision why I made fun of Nebraska so ruthlessly that they also didn't get to the point where I make fun of Rhode Island so ruthlessly and it's not arbitrary at all Rhode Island deserves my disdain and I'll tell you why Rhode Island the tiniest state in the Union has historically been the biggest pain in the butt and we could all admit it they never showed up the Constitutional Convention they only ratified it at the very end when they know it was me to ism when they knew they get left behind every step of the way for the first 30 years of the of America they were dragging their heels so for that reason alone I say how dare you but yeah but I do address gay marriage in fact that's part of the chapter about where I lean into Nebraska because I said well what what if I what if I just gotten gay married and I wanted these states that I was driving through to recognize it do I have to wait till the honeymoon to get to San Francisco it is a fair question and you know and I think that as we go forward that's we're gonna have more and more of these kind of very complex issues that are harder to answer every day which as you can see I just talked for five minutes and I didn't answer you pretty impressive pretty impressive you got to admit I should run for president I should be a politician now right I don't know how much time we have more a couple more please in the back yes I promise to work back so please the exits are like a couple plays no okay yes my changes I have a kind of a hunch that this won't be ratified anytime soon I mean I think the best way to answer that is that it's almost impossible to make change to the Constitution James Madison himself the man who authored the Constitution who had reason to kind of have a pride of authorship and pride of ownership in his later life was surprised that even then there had been so few amendments and even though we look and say 27 amendments that's that's a it's a beefy number it's actually not that many when you compare it to other constitutions around the world it's very hard to amend the Constitution to get two-thirds of states and legislation for three-quarters of legislators to get to get behind an actual Constitution and to have a Constitution convention I think it's been it's been called for a number of times but it just never has never happened and I don't expect that it will smarter people than I have have devised ways that it might but you know we've had no no amendments in the in the well the 21st millennium we've had a handful but a lot of scholars say they tinker at the margins in the 20th century and then of course a lot of the a lot of the amendments after the Civil War were admittedly we had some housekeeping to do so that was made makes a lot of sense but that's that's amendments you're asking for a wholesale rewrite of the Constitution I can't imagine that at a time when you know people can even people in Washington can't even agree on getting together for lunch there's no chance that there's gonna be any kind of real wholesale you know not to be a pessimist I think there are actually if you say Sandy Levinson probably more optimistic about it if he's here that maybe something can be done but I kind of think that this the best chance I have is for at least to make some jokes about and bring some attention to it yes right here and then we'll go back there yes well you know what I'm not lamenting the fact that Romney is the nominee right now because especially and it's funny I probably talking about the daily show but for this book especially I don't know if you saw this week and a half ago he was in Las Vegas was the day I think or two weeks ago yeah the day was gonna meet with Trump and he gave a speech in the afternoon in which he said I take his word that he had met with a businessman and the businessman sidled up to him and said you know what I think we should add a provision to the Constitution which I guess he means amendment but he didn't want to say for his provision is suggesting that anyone who runs for the president there shouldn't be age requirements or birth nation of birth requirements or citizenship requirements there should be requirement that every presidential candidate must have had three years of business experience and this is Romney saying this granted he threw it off on the businessman but he was trying to throw it out there as an idea and I thought how clever of him because yeah why not reduce the number of people eligible to be president until only describes you kind of genius move on Romney's part and I actually remember thinking perfect for me perfect for this because that's the kind of absurd suggestion you might have read about in my book in which I absurdly rewrite the Constitution absurdly and here he is actually doing it and I also was amused just a couple days ago when he said that he would he's considering forgoing a salary for president and that's fine because he did that as I understand for Matt Massachusetts governor and for when he ran the Olympics or saved the Olympics but but then he said what I might consider doing is having an incentive system where if I get in certain things done I get paid accordingly just thought that is he what you kidding me I mean if that's the case he better be bold he said if I balance the budget 50 billion come my way because comparatively 50 if I saved you 3 trillion come I get 50 billion of it I just want him to say that if he really means incentives he's good president on commission is that what we're doing now so there's plenty of comic hey out there I mean but yeah that was there were yeah you you have to miss a lot of those Republican primary candidates as well there's a gentleman named Rick Perry that I had heard of because there's and there's three reasons I would love for him to be there one is hilarious second he's a comic character and the third one was a third one oops I don't know slowly but he all right yes in the front please and then back there okay do you have anyone in mind who would you appoint a blue ribbon Commission that's usually that's usually the solution to most things a committee that's usually the best way to get something done in Washington right my original well this you're gonna laugh about this I think a little bit I am we would you mean as far as the book it's all written in the book and granted I wrote it on a laptop but because you know I got I got updated well yeah well it yeah well here's what I will say to that as a bit of a digression we talked about many because we talk about you know the hand writing is on the quill with the quill of a goose on the skin of a goat and what have you and if you go by the way to the National Archives and you really should it's kind of fascinating to see the original documents a lot of them are very faded faded you really can't read much of the Declaration of Independence but I did go in fact and read it you know because a lot of people can say they have read the Constitution but how many people can actually say they stood there for 45 minutes and read the actual National Archives document as six-year-olds are elbowing you and the docent is saying you really have to move along so I kept coming back coming back and then back anyway it's a lot it's hard to read and so how obviously I would think you'd have to put it in something that would be a microfiche I don't know what would you do it's time but I'm one thing I will say about my this actually book and the font that we kind of went back and forth on how how how calligraphic did we want this font to be and where and how and it was a long discussion and then I kind of landed on a font that I really liked and I forget the name of it starts at the sea and we kept it for a while and then I realized the reason I liked it so much it was the same font and all the on all the lay mis posters I thought I can't use it anymore I lovely miss but I can't do anymore that's a totally digression forgive me um yeah we'd have to do it digitally come on let's do a 21st century right please in the back very timely question in fact um yeah I mean I do say a little bit that you know first of all the founders expected a lot of people to move to the country they did they knew they're gonna set up something amazing the granted it was a land grab at the time but the Louisiana purchase was something that Thomas Jefferson did specifically because he knew that this was gonna be such a you know a place that the world would want to live that he needed more people more land to do it granted he did it at the time when he knew himself that that was something that was extra constitutional he knew that it was actually violating the Constitution in in that which is amusing I actually give a full litany of ways that we've challenged the Constitution he said I did it for your own good I did it for the good of the country um so yeah I mean again I don't think I'm addressing it directly but I think that this is a melting pot I mean this is obviously a the shining city on the hill all those things that people want to live here and I think that we have to be rational about making sure that people who are here can stay here in ways that they you know can contribute to the society and and enjoy the blessings of this of the country to be serious for a moment yes please right there right yeah and oddly enough in France having a delightful time with 19 year olds as I recall so it's funny that he thought that every generation every 19 years is the right round number to bring you know I think you know every 19 years we really give it to the new generation yeah yeah that's why I hang my hat on him I'm doing something a bit outlie I would say I rely on him for the the overall argument of what I'm doing which is precisely rewriting the Constitution he's the one who said do it but I don't think I think I do give full credence to a lot of people that would utterly disagree with him Adams Hamilton a bunch of people and I you know I addressed their concerns when they apply to the formulation of the executive branch the formulation of legislature etc so I yeah I mean as much as one can in in a book that's trying to cover every base of every amendment an article I cherry-pick when I have to but that's what I get to do as a comedy writer but yeah I do I do I think I do give full credence to voices from all all sides effectively that's up to people who read it and decide I could take a couple more questions I suppose yeah well right here in the please yes I don't want to give away the ending but I will the Butler didn't do it in my estimation that is to say I do to some degree I we know this about the Constitution we know that one and four Americans really ever having ever remember having read it we know that more Americans can recite the three stuges than the three branches of government we know as we know John Boehner believes we hold these trees to be self-evident was in the isn't isn't the Constitution rather than declaration there are other ridiculous kind of egregious blind spots that we all have in the Constitution I do not hold myself separate from that I'm sure if you had asked me a number of discrete questions about the Constitution if you said how the Constitution begin I may have just as well told you it was the best of times it was the worst of times my point being that I'm not trying to suggest that I'm only a paragraph ahead of the reader in learning about this but what I hope I can do with the book is bring them along so that they find it as interesting as I did so that they go back to the source code read a little bit more understand what's in it so the very least the public service if I can that I might be suggesting to the world with this is to go back reread it you don't have to go to the National Archives I do enough of a job in the book to kind of give you kind of the point the mile markers about where you might want to learn it but if nothing else to kind of inspire a new interest in the Constitution among hey even the kids right so there yes please last question I suppose yes well yeah I mean look I will read one more chapter it not a full chapter but it's the reason I can say I'll read chapters because it's very short there's I mean there's there you can't there are difficult things that you kind of have to address well they all read two quick little passages here one is the chapter that I think might address what you're talking about for example your new amendment addressing slavery what the involuntary sire servitude we actually did that let's terrible let's not do that that's how I address that for example but but I will just finish with this I began I began with the argument with the story about their beloved bell being in jeopardy at the top I will end with the with the last little bit this doesn't give this doesn't spoil it for you I promise but this is how they last it's a coda their beloved stamp was in jeopardy it had been designed carefully and artfully graced not only with the stately visage of an adored and enduring national icon but also with the denomination chosen to reflect just how long it would last nay how long it should last forever it was 2011 125 years after the statute featured had been dedicated as a gift from France as a memorial to independence liberty enlightening the world and to honor her long journey across seas and centuries three billion stamps had been printed by the Patriots at the United States Postal Service two billion had already been issued countless licked or peeled and stuck and sent far across town across the country and across the globe to enlighten one world one excuse me to enlighten the world one envelope at a time alas forever wouldn't last forever one eagle-eyed philatelist armed only with the jeweler's loop a rabid obsession with detail and way too much time on his hands made a shocking discovery the lady on the stamp wasn't the 305 foot copper and iron neoclassical figure standing sentry on an island in the New York Harbor no sir the lady on the stamp was the pint-sized knockoff on the Las Vegas Strip overlooking not New York New York but the New York New York casino she hadn't welcomed the huddled masses yearning to breathe free in the new world she welcomed obsessive gamblers yearning to sidle up to the 399 all-you-can-eat buffet less the stuff of immigrants hopes and dreams a real-life liberty more the stuff of fiberglass and styrofoam a replica lady luck in other words we've got three billion of these a small discolored rectangle that Mars or crowns most prominent center spike the real lady wouldn't be caught dead with such a blemish was the tell-tale glit giveaway somewhere someone had merely raided a stock photography service and thought yeah that seems about right it must be her and if it's not no one will notice well someone noticed once alerted to its gaff the United States Postal Service released an official statement but not of apology of adoration we still love the stamp design they said and would have selected the photograph anyway they admitted no defeat made no excuses announced no recall they also it must be said made me proud to be an American where at least I know I'm free to pretend I totally meant to do that even when I totally screwed up after all what was the Postal Service to do should it deny it made a mistake as original author James Madison might have wished in that summer of 1787 and as originalist Anton Scalia would still advise today should it recall the stamp and continue living the past that was the unfortunate choice Jonathan Dayton made in the later years when he the youngest delegate at the Constitutional Convention stayed so fixated on his participation in Philadelphia that he never once updated even his manner of dress the last of the cocked hats they called him a walking example of arrested development should it waste decades redesigning every feature of the imperfect stamp following the footsteps of nutball guy Tugwell who everyone knows is a nutball who wasted decades redesigning every feature of the Constitution or should it make it a bold wholesale makeover in a staggering miraculous flurry of glorious inspiration as I Kevin Blyre your hero and humble servant have done in these pages even if it should it didn't instead of promising a more perfect stamp the Postal Service insisted the stamp was a more perfect stamp one that despite the injuries and usurpations brought on by a sloppy postal researcher still secure as the blessings of the Liberty as we know her life-size and in full it interpreted the advice of Thomas Jefferson that we not look at stamps or anything really with sanctimonious reverence and deem them like the Ark of the Covenant and of James Madison too that we not suffer a blind veneration for antiquity and something slightly different that we should just get over ourselves stick with the program and meet up at the craps table baby needs a new pair of shoes again a lesson the lesson shines fourth and the lesson shines forth as bright and unmistakable as the flame in Lady Liberty's Liberty's outstretched hand sometimes in order to honor an icon that defines us as a nation whether it be a giant giant green woman holding a torch or a Constitution of the United States of America we all have to just roll with what we've got because it's still pretty damn awesome there we go thank you everybody thank you so much