 The Jack Benny program, transcribed, presented by Lucky Strike. It is acceptable to... ...to... Let your own taste and throat be the judge for smoothness and mildness. There's never a rough puff in a Lucky Strike. For smoothness and mildness, there's never a rough puff in a Lucky Strike. Yes, let your own taste and throat be the judge. For smoothness and mildness, there's never a rough puff in a Lucky Strike. And that's because L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that gives you smoothness and mildness. And no wonder, for years Lucky Strike has maintained America's largest and most complete cigarette research laboratory. Prior to the auctions, the buyers for Lucky Strike send sample leaves from all tobacco growing areas to this great laboratory for scientific analysis to help determine which tobaccos are really fine. And this is only one phase of the constant research that helps make possible Lucky Strike's unconditional guarantee. Check the cigarette you are now smoking. Among all leading brands, only the makers of Lucky Strike put an unconditional guarantee on the pack. So smoke a Lucky, let your own taste and throat be the judge. For smoothness and mildness, there's never a rough puff in a Lucky Strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dentist Day, and yours truly Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, last night Jack Benny was in Washington, D.C. where he was master of ceremonies for the annual White House Photographers Ball. Immediately following the affair, he boarded a plane and flew back to Hollywood. And here he is, Jack Benny! Thank you, thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking and Don, isn't it amazing how you can travel nowadays? Late last night I was in Washington, D.C. and at eight o'clock this morning I was back in Hollywood. Yes Jack, the planes they have today really move fast. They certainly do, it only took nine hours. But it's a good thing we got in when we did, I was so hungry I couldn't wait till I got home and had breakfast. Well Jack, why didn't you eat on the way in? They serve meals on the plane. Yes, I know, I know. And there's no charge for them. I was so...what? Done. That's right Jack, that's right, the meals don't cost you anything, it's included in your ticket. How do you like that? Jack, where are you going? To the TWA ticket office, somebody's gonna take me to dinner. I don't care who it is, but somebody has got a...oh hello Mary. Hello Jack, how was your flight back from Washington? Oh, pretty good, pretty good. A nice smooth trip? Fairly smooth Mary, not bad at all. You didn't get sick did you? No, no, although I did feel a little woozy, you know, going over the mountains. Well maybe you over ate. Over ate? Mary, I just found out. Don told me. Told you what? Never mind, I'll explain it later. Well Jack, tell us, how was the affair in Washington? I'll bet it was pretty classy, huh? Classy? Don, you've never seen anything like it. The people I met it was positively thrilling. Who was there Jack? Who was there? President Truman, Vice President Barkley, General Eisenhower, General Bradley, Secretary of the Treasury, Snyder, everybody. Ah Jack, that must have been wonderful. How did you feel when you met President Truman? President Truman? Well, I didn't get to meet the President. You see, on my way over to shake hands with him, I came face to face with Vice President Barkley. Oh, then you met the Vice President? Well, no. Just as I was about to say hello to the Vice President, General Eisenhower came in, so naturally Mr. Barkley went over to greet him. And kids, what a guy that Eisenhower is. What a personality. And so democratic, he shook hands with everybody. Well Jack, I certainly envy you. Years from now you'll be able to say, I shook hands with General Eisenhower. Well, you see Don, when General Eisenhower and Vice President Barkley were talking, I was going over to shake hands with them when in walked Dean Atchison. And naturally I couldn't ignore the Secretary of State. He's really an impressive man. He makes everybody feel so relaxed, you know, so at home. Well, I'm glad you got to meet Mr. Atchison. Huh? You did meet Dean Atchison, didn't you? Well, when Mr. Atchison walked in, I rushed over to him and stuck out my hand. What did he do? He handed me his coat so I hung it up. You know, it was an awkward situation. Well, Jack, when Mr. Atchison handed you his coat, why didn't you tell him who you were? Well, I didn't want to embarrass him. You didn't want to return the tip, either. Yeah, Eisenhower gave me nothing. Anyway, it was a very exciting affair and I was certainly glad to be there. Jack, you mean to say that with all the important people there you didn't get to meet anybody? Didn't get to meet anybody for your information, sister. I spent most of the evening talking to David Quimby. David Quimby? Who's he? Well, if you don't know who David Quimby is, I'm not going to tell you. You ought to keep up on your national affairs, kid. Who else was there, Jack? Well, there was Air Secretary Simington, Senator Taff, Dr. Gallup, and oh, I must tell you a funny thing, Don. Last night after the dinner, Dr. Gallup was the first speaker and he kept calling the President Tom. He just can't get over it. It's too bad you could... Oh, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, Dennis. I was just telling Don and Mary about Washington. Washington? Yes, I was the master of ceremonies at the White House Photographer's Ball. You horn in on everything, don't you? I didn't horn in at all. I was invited. You know who else was there? Who? President Truman, Vice President Barkley, General Eisenhower. Gosh, Mr. Benny, you're really important, aren't you? Yes, sir. I guess I am. Oh, don't be so modest. I'll bet you could go out now and get your own show. Dennis. Dennis, I'd like to ask you a question. Okay, sit down, kid. I don't have to sit down. I just wanted to ask you one question. Who's the star of this show? My mother thinks I am. Well, it isn't getting me nowhere. So come on, star. Let's have your song. Okay. Wait a minute. Come in. Telegram for Jack Benny. I'm Jack Benny. Here you are. Thank you. Hey, boy! Boy! Yeah? You didn't wait for me to give you a tip. The last time I waited, the office sent out a Saint Bernard. What? Before I got back to Brandy, he was 20 years old. Never mind. Goodbye. Jack, you dropped the telegram, so I opened it. It's from Washington. From Washington? What does it say? Dear Jack, I'm sorry I didn't get to talk to you longer, but I had three people waiting for a haircut. Signed David Quimby. Hmm. Who's he? Never mind. Sing your song. Mary, stop staring at me. To say goodnight And there were clothes and shutters All the streets were dark In gates, Scarlet ribbons sung by Dinah Shore And very good, Fanny. And now, ladies and gentlemen, now ladies and gentlemen, for our feature attraction tonight, we're going to do a very important sketch. Dennis, you're going to be in it. You too, Mary. And Phil. Phil! Just a minute, Quimby. I'm fixing up the music for the sketch you're going to do. You're what? You heard me. I'm fixing up the music. Right now I'm going over the trombone player's part. You? You're going over the trombone player's part? You don't know one note from another. Who has to know notes? What? I'm going over it with a damp rag. He spilled beer on it. Well, that you can do. Yeah. Phil, why don't you get rid of these fellas? Get yourself another band. Get rid of my boys, Frankie, Charlie, Cornelius? Cornelius? Well, not on your life, Jackson. These boys have stuck to me through thick and thin. The rough going, the one-night stands, the lean years. Well, Phil, that reminds me of something I've always wanted to ask you. Why did you form an orchestra in the first place? I had to, Dad. You had to? I had to. I wrote a little gem called That's What I Like About the South, and no other band would touch it with a fork. With a fork isn't in here at all. You know, we have to. Well, in this case, Necessity was the mother of nausea. But seriously, Phil, do you mean that all of your boys have been with you right from the start? Yes, sir, Jackson, and that's why I wish you'd quit picking on them. They're conscientious musicians. They worry a lot. Worry? Sure. Now, take my drummer, Sammy, up there. Only three months ago, he had a full head of hair. Only three months ago, and he's that bald now? Phil, what was he so worried about? They said something nasty about him and downbeat. Oh, well, that's a shame. You know, Phil, it's bad enough to be that bald, but why does he wax it? Anyway, Phil, we have a very important, we have a very important sketch to do tonight, and you're in it. You, Dennis, and Mary. Mary, will you hand me the scripts? They're under the table. Sure, Jack, here you are. Thanks. And now, ladies and gentlemen, we really have a surprise for you. For our feature attraction tonight, we're going to do our version of that thrilling radio mystery series, The Whistler. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who are you? I am The Whistler. I walk by night. I influence the lives of innocent people, and sometimes I even drive them to murder. Well, I'm certainly glad you dropped in because tonight you can help me with the sketch we're going to do. Jack, Jack, who are you talking to? That man, that man right there. What man? I don't see anybody. That man right there who was whistling. Whistling? I didn't hear anybody, Jack. Are you kids crazy? I'm telling you, there was a man standing right there. Dennis, you saw him, didn't you? Yeah, he was a kind of a mysterious-looking fellow with a brown suit and a scowl on his face. That's right, that's right. And what was he whistling? Dear hearts and gentle people. He was not! It was, it was The Whistler's theme song. Jack, what's the matter with you? You didn't see anybody and neither did Dennis. Well, I thought I did. Maybe it's because I got my mind all wrapped up in the play we're going to do. Now, Mary... Oh, who can that be? Hello? Hello, boss, this is Rochester. Rochester, how many times have I told you not to call me in the middle of a program? But, boss, I had to call you. I got something I think you'll like. What's that? Well, you won't believe this, but this afternoon I sat down and wrote a commercial. You wrote a commercial? Yes, boss, and I liked it so much I got out your recording machine and made a record of it. No kidding. Well, let's hear it. Okay, just a minute. Listen to this. Oh my, what smoothness and mildness Yes, it's L.S.M.F.T. Lucky strike means find a back door Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street And smoothness, yes, it's L.S.M.F.T. Lucky strike means find a back door Just direct your feet to the luggy I said the lucky, I mean the lucky side of the street Rochester, that was wonderful. I thought you'd like it. I sure did. Goodbye, Rochester. Goodbye. Chief fellas, I wish you could have heard the wonderful commercial Rochester sang to me over the phone. And we used it on the program sometime? Sure, it's great. Now, where were we? You're getting ready to do that play, Jackson. Oh, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, we now offer you our version of that blood-curdling, thrilling radio murder mystery, The Whistler. The innocent people. I even drank. Thank you to the home of Mr. and Mrs. Park, Gwendolyn and Griffith. As we look in on them, it's morning and the sun is coming through the window. They can stop that California sun. Mr. and Mrs. Parks are having breakfast. They are happy. But not for long. For I am The Whistler. Gosh, Gwendolyn, this is a wonderful breakfast. I'm sure glad I'm married to you. So am I, Griffith. Where are the children? We have no children. Then who is it that's always bringing me my slippers? Our Cocker Spaniel. Oh, it's the bunny I've wasted to have his teeth straightened. Griffith, I have a surprise for you. My mother's coming to live with us. Oh, bully, that's wonderful. See, they're happy. But I'll change that. Gwendolyn, when is your dear darling mother coming? Tomorrow. Oh, I'm glad you told me in time. Now I can buy her a present. I wonder what I should give her. Why don't you give her a hit on the head? No, Gwendolyn. Your father gave her that last year. Uh, what did you say, dear? I just answered your question. But I didn't say anything. Oh, I thought you did. See, I have them confused already. Well, I better finish my breakfast. Yes, here's a great big bowl of cereal. Wait, I'll pour the cream on it for you. You can take your fingers out of your ears now. They've stopped crackling. Now, eat your cereal. Gee, that was a stubborn little one, wasn't it? I've got other holes to break up. Uh, what did you say, Griffith? I didn't say anything. My mouth was full of the breakfast of champions. Well, I better finish my breakfast and hurry to the office. Yes, Griffith, hurry to your office. While your wife, Gwen, waits at home for her sweetheart, the milkman. She, she adores him. He's coming up the walk now. Won't you come with me to Alabama? Let's go see my dear old mammy. Ah, shut up! That song drives me nuts. All right, knock on the door. She's waiting for you. Hello, baby. Hello, Clyde. I've been waiting for you. Well, wait a minute. I've got to get rid of this milk. Why don't you drink it? Who, me? It'll be good for that pool table complexion. With those side pockets under your eyes. Come here, baby. Pucker up. Give me a kiss. Why, sure, Clyde. Lay one on. I really thrilled you, eh, baby? No, you're holding that cold milk bottle on my back. Oh, Clyde, you're so wonderful. Kiss me again. You see, she's crazy about Clyde. Everybody's crazy about Clyde. But I'm the one they invited to Washington. Gee, Gwen, I wonder what your husband would say if he caught you kissing me, his best friend. Tell him you're congratulating me on my birthday. But you've told him that 28 times this year. Ain't he getting wise? Nobody's getting mad by me all those presents. Gee, Clyde, you and I could be so happy together for a word from my husband. Now you're on the right track. Why don't you kill your husband? Clyde, I just got an idea. So did I. Let's kill Griffith. It must be love, we said it together. That's it, that's it. Now we're getting somewhere. Go ahead, kill him. Kill him! And take those braces off your teeth. Gwen, I know how to kill your husband. How? Let's open a window and smog him to death. No. No, Clyde, I have a better way. When he comes home, you hide in the closet. When he hangs up his coat, you can strangle him. And no one will ever know. Except me. For I am the fifth. The office is closed and Griffith, the unsuspecting husband, is walking home without care on his mind. She'll be nice to get home to my loving wife, Gwendolyn. I feel sorry for her. She's alone all day. Are you sure she's alone? Of course I'm sure. About twice a week our best friend Clyde drops in, but that's only on her birthday. Dear fool, your wife is in love with Clyde. Hurry home, you'll find them together. All right, I'll go home and see for myself. I better be prepared. Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! See what I mean? Here are three innocent people, and I have planted the seed of suspicion, which will soon grow into murder. Ain't I a stinker? Oh, pardon me. Come in. Mr. Benny. Yes? I'm from TWA. Here's a sandwich and keep your big mouth shut. Thank you. And now to get back to our story. Clyde is hiding in the closet, and Griffith is about to enter the house. Darling, you home early? Yes, Gwendolyn. Stop stalling. Ask her about Clyde. Go on, ask her. Huh? Ask her about Clyde. Darling, was Joe here? Not Joe. That was yesterday. It's Clyde today. Come on, Griffith. Come on, you've got to get murdered. And hurry up, or we'll be in the middle of Amos and Andy. Go on, open that closet door. No, no, I don't want to. I'm afraid. Come on, come on, don't be a coward. Open that closet door. No, no! Go on. Won't you come with me to Alabama? There we'll meet my dear old mammy. She's frying eggs. Ooh! No, Gwendolyn, I didn't shoot him. Well, somebody did. Let your own taste and throat be the judge. For smoothness and mildness. There's never a rough puff in a lucky strike, and that's because... L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Fine, light, naturally mild tobacco that gives you smoothness and mildness with never a rough puff. Listen to what Mr. Al Rogers, an independent tobacco auctioneer from Robersonville, North Carolina, recently said. Year after year, I've seen the makers of Lucky Strike by fine, prime, ripe tobacco. A tobacco that's just right for mild good smoking. I've smoked Lucky's for 10 years. Millions of smokers, including the famous screen star, Hedy Lamar, take a tip from the experts and smoke Lucky Strike. Just recently, the glamorous Hedy said. A good cigarette is like a good movie. Always enjoyable. That's why it's Lucky's for me. For your own real deep down smoking enjoyment. Light up a Lucky. Let your own taste and throat be the judge. For smoothness and mildness, there's never a rough puff in a Lucky Strike. Get a carton today. Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be with you again next Sunday night when we will have as our guest a very famous daughter of a very famous father, Ms. Sarah Churchill. Be sure to hear Dennis Day in a day in the life of Dennis Day. Jack, Mary, Dennis, Don, Phil and Rochester came to you transcribed. Now stay tuned to Amos and Andy, which follows immediately over most of the same CBS stations. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.