 And this week, we bring to you from Washington that national comedian and his entire cabinet, Jack Benny. Well, thank you. Hello again. This is Jack Benny coming to you from Washington, D.C. and only one mile from the White House. Think of it, Don, just one mile from the White House. Well, what's so wonderful about that? It's closer than Al Smith ever got. You're right. This certainly is a great town, Don. Every place you go, you meet senators, congressmen, diplomats, statesmen, jello salesmen. I knew that, yes. Say, Jack, have you been to the Smithsonian Institute yet? Why, Don, where else do you think I got my jokes for tonight? Maybe you're right. And say, Don, who do you think... You like that, didn't you? I like that a lot, Jack. But, uh, whom do you think I was talking to this morning? Uh, the janitor? No, Don. Stop kidding. I was talking to Senator La Follette of Wisconsin. La Follette of Wisconsin. I don't think I know him, Jack. Oh, sure you do. You remember the fellow who said, La Follette, we are here? Well, I'm really not up on historical quotations. All I remember is one. What's that? When Sherman said, Jello is swell. Oh, yes, yes. And you remember when Patrick Henry said, give me strawberry or give me death? I certainly do. And you remember what Mary Livingston said? What, Mary? I regret that I have but one joke to give to this program. Say, that's cute, you know. So this is Washington, huh, Jack? Yes, ma'am. Isn't it marvelous how a big city like this crossed the Delaware? Well, it certainly is. And you know, there are a lot of things to see here, Mary. Have you been to the, have you been to the Capitol yet? No, what's playing there? What's playing there? Mary, a congressional investigation. Oh, one of those mystery pictures. Yes. Mary, look, you're in Washington now. This is where they have the Treasury and the Supreme Court. It has Seattle and Tacoma too, hasn't it? No, that's not true. It has Seattle and Tacoma too, hasn't it? No, that's the state of Washington. You see, Mary, there are two Washingtons. Don't you think they're overdoing it, Jack? No, there's always room for another one. Do you realize that there are a lot of cities named after great men, Mary? For instance, there's Washington, D.C., Lincoln, Nebraska, Jefferson City, Missouri, Columbus, Ohio. Well, there's no city named after you, is there? There isn't. What about all Benny, New York? Oh, wow. Well, sure. Oh, yes. And next week, we're going to play a town named after me. What, do you mean Baltimore? Yes, Mary's land. Well, see you later, Jack. Oh, hello, Kenny. Hello, Mary. Say, Jack, is that the main post office around the corner? Yes, Kenny, that's the main post office of the United States. Why? Well, I want to buy a lot of stamps so I can get them wholesale. You're trying to get stamps wholesale, huh? Yeah, I got three red stamps this morning for six cents. What are they in your hometown, Kenny? Two cents a piece. Oh, far were you. I'd buy hundreds of them. And don't forget, you can get green stamps for a penny a piece. Oh, I'd sooner pay a little more and get the ripe ones. Now, come here. Kenny, come here a minute. I want to tip you off to something. This may surprise you. We just found out that the air mail stamps are yellow. Oh, they are? Yeah. Gee, they can't be so yellow and make those airplane trips all the time. Well, they are. And listen, Kenny, the special delivery stamps are blue. Why, Jack? They're blue because they can't take the same trips the air mail stamps do. I got that one in. Well, I don't get it. What a dope. Yeah. Say, Jack. What? It's Johnny Green's turn now. It was always a pleasure to talk to Johnny. After all, he's a Harvard man. At least you can hold an intelligent conversation with him. Well, thank you, Jack. My mental faculties await your disposition. Well, well, how do you like being in Washington, Johnny? Oh, I'm just here on a mission of altruism to obviate the prosaic tenor of this program. I think you're better off with Kenny. No, no, Mary, I'm all right. But of course, one word sort of staggered me there for a second. Mary, what's a prosaic? A town in New Jersey. Oh, yes, prosaic New Jersey. Yes, that's right. I thought that's what he meant, you know. You see, Jack, I'm glad to be here because this is election year and I'm a leader of men. You mean like Pershing? No, like Whiteman. Oh. What this country needs is more music. You're wrong, Johnny. What this country needs is a good five-cent nickel. You're both wrong. What this country needs are bigger and better poems. You're all wrong. What this country needs is more jello. It's twice as rich as ever before. The country? No, the jello. What's your opinion, Johnny? Yes, sir, that was you hit the spot from the motion picture collegiate, played by Johnny Green and his Washingtonians. Always like to get those things in, you know. Hey, Johnny, I see you're all set for St. Patrick's Day next Tuesday. What do you mean? I'm not in the parade or anything. No, but you might as well take advantage of your last name, you know, get it? Hey, Johnny, Ireland. Ireland's a great country, though, isn't it? It sure is. Were you ever in Dublin? No, but I was on an amateur program and they rang the bell fast. Oh, Johnny, Johnny, professional courtesy, please. Say, say, Jack. Yeah? Come here a minute, will you? What is it? You know, Mary forgot to write a poem about March the 17th. Well, look, Johnny, don't reminder of it and let well enough alone, you know? Say, Kenny, come here. You too, Don. Yeah, Jack. Listen, Mary forgot to bring in a poem about St. Patrick's Day, so for heaven's sake, don't mention it. Okay, we won't. You know, we might get away with it this time, you know? Kenny, you better go into your song right away before she thinks of it. Okay, Jack. What number are you going to do, Kenny? I'm going to sing A Little Town in the Old County Down. Well, that's appropriate right now. Yeah, just before St. Patrick's Day. Oh, by the way, Kenny, do you know that old Irish mother of mine? No, but I'd love to meet her sometime. That reminds me, there's a place in Ireland that gives me an idea. There is? Yes, it's called Kill Kenny. See, they approve of it. Well, go ahead and sing. Oh, wait a minute, answer the phone, Mary. Hello? Yes, this is Mary Livingston. Why, certainly, I'm glad you reminded me. Dear old Ireland, dear old Ireland, with your pretty legs and bells, you are sure a bit of heaven. Dear old Ireland, you are swell. Well, so far it's all right. Land of Ireland, we salute you, on this here St. Patrick's Day. How we love you and adore you on the 17th of May. 17th of May? Yes, March didn't rhyme. Oh. Believe me, folks, this is no blarney. How I love you, dear Colarney. Well... And that pretty spot where your river shanning flows, and though I like your dales and lakes, I'd love to win your old sweepstakes. Even if it's the second prize, goodness only knows. Well, Mary, supposing you win the sweepstakes, then what? Then Labor Day. Oh, Labor Day. You would disappear. Say that again. What do you think of it, Jack? I don't know. What do you think, Wilson? Don't put me in a spot. Well, anyway, folks, this is all meant and fun, and I want to wish all our Irish listeners a very happy St. Patrick's Day. And now Kenny McCushla Baker will sing a little town in the Old County Down. And with Kenny Baker singing a little town in the Old County Down. And now tonight, ladies and gentlemen... Well, say, Jack... What is it, Kenny? You forgot to insult me this week. Oh. Well, some other time, Kenny. I can't do it tonight. Don't worry. Jack must be feeling good tonight. Well, why wouldn't I, Mary? I'm very happy and I feel highly honored. You see, tonight, I've been invited to be guest of honor at a banquet given by the French Embassy. NBC? No, Embassy. It's not a station, Mary. Isn't it a wonderful... Or isn't it a wonderful tribute they're paying me? The Who's Who of Washington will be there. Members of the Cabinet, Foreign Diplomats, Blue Bloods. Gee. Oh, poor. Boy, I bet it's a thrill. I'm sorry I can't ask the rest of the gang along. Look, here's my hand-graved invitation. It says hand-engraved invitation. Says you are a... Fine master of ceremonies. Can't even speak English. Says you are kindly requested to be our guest of honor at the Ritz Fair tonight. Gee, that's well. I hope you have a great time, Jack. Oh, thanks, Johnny. I know you'd enjoy it, but we can't all be lucky. I guess I'll take my violin along. They might ask me to play something. They won't, but you'll play. Gee, I don't know what to play, either, if they ask me. Oh, Johnny, do you know how the river Shannon grows? It just flows along. Oh, well, I'll take it. Did I say grows or goes? So long, fellas. Well, I'll see you later. Come on, guys. That guy gets it out everything. The Ritz Fair, too. Don't worry, Don. We'll all be there. We will? Sure. I'll be back, if you don't mind. Don, here we are. It's your program going. Play, John. Well, well, that was very funny, Duchess. Very funny. And, saw, did you ever hear the one about the bow legged crabs? No. How'd it go? It just crawled. Apart me a moment some more guests are arriving. Announcing Senator and Mrs. Spuddlebury of East Virginia. Oh, how'd you do? How'd you do? Come right in, Senator. I want you to meet our guest of honor, Jack Benny. I have to know you, Senator, and you, too, Senator Rita. Yes. Ah, the folks back in Warkegon will never believe this, you know? What's that? The Secretary of War. You, I'm not used to this. Announcing Congressman and Mrs. Herkimer Van Snoop of Minnisconson. Well, well, well. Oh, I'm so glad to see you, Congressman, and you're charming white. This is Jack Benny. That's all right, we've been slumming before. How'd he do? Won't you folks join us in cocktail? Thank you. Announcing Mr. and Mrs. Strangler-Lewis. See, he's not throwing the party, is he? Pardon me, hoses, it's rather a silly question, but when do we eat? Well, as soon as all the guests arrive, we'll duck into the banquet hall. Thank you, thank you. You were a little flat that time. Announcing Lord and Lady Havadish. Havadish of London? No, of Jell-O. Announcing Mr. and Mrs. Hey, wait for the bugle. Oh. Ta-ra-ta-ta-ta-ta! Announcing Mr. and Mrs. Benjamin Franklin. Well, this is indeed a treat. Oh, Benjamin and Mrs. Franklin, I'm so glad you got here. This is Mr. Benny. Well, I am thrilled. I'm Jack Benny, the fellow who makes the cracks on the radio. Well, I put one in the Liberty Bell. Don't use it. Well, I won't. Well? Well, hostess? Uh, what did you call me? Hostess. Oh, I thought you said horse-fave. Oh, perish the thought. You know, I've been to Palm Beach, Newport, and the Riviera, but it doesn't compare to this. Right this way, sir. Let me take your hat and coat. Thank you, thank you. Ah, Mr. Benny. How do you do? Let me feel your pulse. Now, what's the idea? Now, open your mouth wide. Take out your tongue. Say, ah, who are you? I'm the secretary of the interior. Benjamin, I thought I thought you were the house doctor. There are more secretaries here tonight, and there are in Hollywood. Hello, everybody. I didn't think I'd get here. Just a minute, Miss. Just a minute. Are you one of the invited guests? Yes, I'm Secretary of Labor Day. By Mary Lyft. Quiet, Jack. Don't grab it. Hey, Mary, where's Kenny Baker? He came through the kitchen disguised as a ham. Hey, did you meet all the secretaries here, Mary? No, if I can't meet the bosses, then skip it. You should have skipped that line, too. All right. Come on, folks. Let's go into the banquet hall and meet the rest of the crowd. We'll be glad to. Mary, this is our hostess. She looks like the daemon bringing up father. Pipe down, Olive Oil. Girls, girls, please. Come on, folks. The table is all set. On with the banquet. Take pleasure in presenting to you our distinguished guests of the evening, Mr. Jack Benny. Oh, thank you. When I first came to Washington, I started to say, when I first came to Washington, announcing the honorable Mr. and Mrs. Rass, Rass, Rass, Rass, Rass, Rass, Rass. Well, the more the merrier. Oh, hostess, where will Miss Livingston and I sit? May I see yourself? Sleep on a tree. Imagine the third row at a banquet table. You have to see a ticket speculator to eat these days. Mr. Benny, you sit here, right next to the French attaché. Oh, thanks. But really, I've never met him. Why, hello, Jack. Well, I'll be glad to introduce you. Why, Wilson, I didn't see you here. Well, I better all leave me. Oh, Jack, meet the French attaché, Monsieur Roudilapet. Oh, glad to know you, Roudi. Oh, chancez, Monsieur. It is a great pleasure. I've heard you on the radio often, many times. I think you are the nuts. Well, thank you. I would like to have you meet the Madame Azele Livingston. Oh, mademoiselle, it is for me to meet you a pleasure to me. It is for me to meet you a pleasure to him. Oh, we, we, mademoiselle, you are beautiful. I kiss your hand. I kiss your cheek. Don't let her get you, Frenchie. Mary, that's the attaché. I don't care, I'm hungry. Well, how's everything in Paris, anyway? Oh, très jolie, très jolie. And how is everything on your program? Très jalot, très jalot. Hey, Wilson, how did you get here? Through the commercial entrance. Well, now that we're all here, let's eat. A waiter, waiter, a waiter. Nick, Jack, that's the ambassador from Spain. Am I embarrassed? That's all right. Things are slow in Spain. I can be a waiter, too. Oh, well, hand me that bill of fare. Find banquet, you have to pick out your own food. I see, how are your hors d'oeuvres? Very nice, senor. They are? Yes, but we're all out of them. Oh, I see. Well, give me some consomme julienne and filly of hyalea. With the, huh, with the pimlicos sauce? Yes, yes. And a parlayet with a cup of coffee. Piscis, senor. By the way, have you met the French ambassador? Cici. Oui, oui. Mary, have you met these gentlemen? Oui, oui. Oh, Mr. Benny. Yes, hostess. It's getting a bit late. I'd like to have the off-the-dinner speaker say a word or two. Well, we haven't had dinner yet. Gee, I wish a diplomat would take us to the automast. Well, I'll be glad to say a word to such a distinguished assembly. Ladies and gentlemen, we will now hear a few words from our guest of honor, Mr. Benny. Members of the Senate, Congress, statesmen, waiters, stooges, and ladies and gentlemen. Yes, Jack. Undercustomers, I am to public speaking without a sponsor. I want to tell you how grateful I am for this lovely banquet you have tendered in my honor. I see the vice president is here. A being in Washington reminds me, we are living in a great country, a country where every man is free and equal, where we can do as we please. And I am the one man who's going to take advantage of it. I guess he overdid it. Oh, it's a shame. It's a shame, but we must carry on in the right of free speech. So I say to you now, ladies and gentlemen, that Jell-O is the fastest-selling gelatin dessert in the world, and every day, millions of bulls! Right, but they got them. So listen, ladies and gentlemen, we must keep this a free country, and so I say to you tonight, Washington, oh, Washington, you're the town that I adore. Don't leave us pair of women and children. Move over, Jack. Then I will continue the freedom of speech. Play, boys. 25th program of the new Jell-O series, and we will be with you again next Sunday night at the same time. By the way, Mary and I will appear on the stage all next week beginning Friday the 20th at Lowe's Century in Baltimore, Maryland. Say, Jack. What? I just thought of a joke I'd like to tell. What is it? Well, I'll say to you, I've got an Irish ring, and then you ask me if it's real. All right, joy-head. Oh, Jack, I've got an Irish ring. Is it real? No, it's a shamrock. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Why, Mary, you told that joke last year. Well, if you want new jokes, buy me a new ring. Good night, folks.