 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky, be happy, go lucky strike, be happy, go lucky, go lucky strike, yay! Some smokes are flat and some too strong and some are even dry, but not those perfect Lucky Strikes, just try one and see why. You'll agree, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. I came upon a man who looked as if he'd seen the thing. I offered him a Lucky Strike and he began to sing. Be happy, go lucky, be happy. Friends, think about this a second. A recent survey made in 38 cities shows that millions of smokers aren't happy with the brand they're smoking. Why? Maybe one reason is some cigarettes are mighty tasteless and others too strong. Now, if you want complete smoking enjoyment, switch to Lucky Strike. You'll always enjoy the perfect mildness and rich, true tobacco taste that only fine tobacco can give you. And L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike, means fine tobacco. That's why Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. So for the happy blending of perfect mildness and rich taste that Lucky Strike and only Lucky Strike can give you. Be happy, go lucky. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. Be happy, go lucky. Go Lucky Strike today. Remember, Lucky's taste better than any other cigarette. Palm Springs, California, the Lucky Strike program, starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, the Sports Group 410 and yours truly, Don Wood. Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you the star of our program. Tanned by the desert sun, toughened by the desert wind and frightened by the desert prices, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, you're right about one thing. I have got a beautiful tan. And why not? Every day I lay out beside the pool at the beautiful Palm Springs-Biltmore Hotel. It's the most exclusive... Now, wait a minute, Jack. I don't like to correct your grammar, but it isn't lay by the pool, it's lie. Well, Don, in this case, we're both right. You see, I don't live at the Biltmore. So in order to lay by the pool, I have to lie to the lifeguard. I really, I really got him fooled, too. Oh, you have? Yes, I borrowed a bathing suit from Mary, and he thinks I'm Esther Williams. Imagine. Jack, you mean to say that you wore Mary's two-piece bathing suit? Uh-huh. I'm gonna have a hard time explaining my tan to the boys in the steam room. Change the subject, Don. Did you get, Don, did you get the invitation I sent you to my birthday party next Wednesday? Oh, yes, Jack, and there's something in it I don't quite understand. What's that? Well, it says, you are cordially invited to attend my birthday party on Wednesday, February 14th. Then, Don, in the corner, it says, 15-9-34. What do those numbers mean? They're the sizes of my shirt, slippers, and underwear. You see, I used to put RSVP, and I got nothing. So I'm not taking any... Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, Jack. Hi, everybody. Mary, let me look at you. I've never seen you looking so good. You know, you've only been in Palm Springs for four days, and you're darker than I am. Well, Jack, I should be. I'm out in the sun from morning till night, and I walk all the time. Gee, I didn't know you were so energetic. Who's energetic? I can't find a room. It is awfully crowded down here, isn't it? You're not kidding. Yesterday, I put a penny in a gum machine, pulled a lever, and a woman stuck her head out and said, sorry, no vacancies. Oh, yes, I know that gum machine. It's called the Juicy Fruit Hacienda. They're booked up until April, you know. Oh, Mary, if you wish, I'll try to get you room at the Park Lane Hotel where I'm living. And if you can't get into the Park Lane, Mary, why don't you try the place where I'm staying? Oh, you're at the Bon Air, aren't you? Well, I, uh... I couldn't get in there, so I'm staying at the El Tonto Trailer Camp. Uh, El Tonto Trailer Camp? Well, Jack, you haven't got a trailer. Mary, they rent you the space. How you sleep, they don't care. You see, at night, we all sit around the campfire and sing Western songs. Hey, but no cow hand from the Rio Grande. What are you laughing at, Mary? Jack, you should have seen him yesterday standing in front of the drugstore wearing that cowboy outfit it is. Mary, when you're in Palm Springs, you're supposed to dress like a tough Westerner. Some tough Westerner. Your spurs still had dough on them from cutting out cookies. Well, I made them for my party. So you're going to come, aren't you, Mary? Uh, yes, Jack, but there's something on your invitation I don't understand. It's that you are cordially invited to attend my birthday party on Wednesday, February the 14th. And down in the corner it said, C-U-C-L. What does that mean? Could use cuff links. Well, I hate to use such subtle methods, Mary, but it's the only way I can get anything out. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Well, here I am. Oh, so I see you. How are you doing, Dennis? Can I have some dialogue first? I got friends in the audience. Of course you can, Dennis. I'm terribly sorry, but tell me, kid, have you been having fun while we've been here in Palm Springs? Oh, boy, have I. Well, good. I will now sing Good Night Irene. Dennis, you said you wanted some dialogue, didn't you? My friends just left. Oh, well, go ahead and sing, then. Okay, Mr. Benny, before I do, do you mind if I ask you something? I know, no, kid. What is it? It's an invitation, and it said you are cordially invited to attend my birthday party on Wednesday, February 14th. Uh-huh. And down in the corner, it said G-T-B-T-K-W-I-N. What does that mean? Go to Bullocks. They know what I need. Oh, shivers through my fingertip while you're gone. He sung by Dennis Day. Dennis, you said you were going to sing Good Night Irene. Oh, you got to watch me. I'm K.G. You're cute, too. Well, anyway, it was very good. I wonder if the orchestra wasn't out of tune. All right, Jackson, hold it. Just hold it. Just grab on. Look, Jackson, I don't mind you picking on me personally, but lay off of the boys. They had a meeting, and they don't want you to make any more remarks about them. Remarks? That's right. Especially when they're away from home, they demand respect. Oh, they do. They want respect. That's right. Well, just look at they over there. Take Sammy, your drummer, over there. His head reminds me of my baby picture. And the way Bagby plays a piano, he looks like he's typing a letter to his parol board. Finally, with great delight, we come to Remley. And what, pray tell me, is wrong with Remley? What's wrong with him? Take a look at the coat he's wearing on the back. It says, no parking. How do you like that? They must have painted the curbs last night. Now, Phil, Phil, go sit down. Yeah, I'm going to sit down. I'm going to sit down. But wait a minute. Look, there's something I want to ask you about that invitation you sent me and my orchestra boys. Well, what about it? Well, it says you and your boys are cordially invited to attend my birthday party on Wednesday, February the 14th. And then down in the corner, it says W-T-F. What does that mean? Wash their faces. Oh, second thought, don't wash Bagby's face. I hate to think what might be underneath. Believe me, Phil, I wish there were some way you could get your musicians to join Life Boy Anonymous. I really do. Oh, I'd live another one, Jackson. I love the way it makes your eyes sparkle. Thank you. It's about time you appreciate it. Excuse me. Come in. Pardon the intrusion, Mr. Benny. Well, Mr. Kitzel. Mr. Kitzel, I'm certainly surprised to see you here in Palm Springs. You surprised? What do you mean? This morning, my wife and me started from Los Angeles to visit my relations in Santa Barbara. In the opposite direction. How'd you wind up here? My wife is giving directions. What? Yeah, yeah. Turn to the left. Turn to the right. Turn to the left. Go straight ahead. Back up. Make a U-turn. Oh, my goodness. Oh, that's terrible. Terrible? The bus driver got so mad, he put us off. We're on a bus. Anyway, Mr. Kitzel, it's nice to be here in Palm Springs. Where are you living? I'm in Piste la Sal de Lopez. How'd you happen to pick that place? Lopez is my brother-in-law. Oh, is your brother lost Spanish? Benny, she asks me... Not only was he born in Barcelona, but his family tree goes all the way back to Hernandez II. Hernandez II? Who was the first? Shapiro. Well, you got to excuse me, Mr. Benny. I got to run along now. All right, Mr. Kitzel. I'm glad you'd drop in. Hasta la vista. Ask your brother. He'll drop in. Oh, all right. Thank you. Mary, I think I'll invite Mr. Kitzel to my birthday party. Oh, that'd be nice. I hope you invite Esther Williams, too. Esther Williams? Yeah, I heard she was staying at the Biltmore. Dennis. I went over to look at her. You know, I went over to look at her and she was sitting by the pool. Dennis. She got the lifeguard to buy her lunch. Now, kids, let's get on with this. Oh, there's someone at the door. Let's get it, Esther. Never mind. Come in. Yes? Say, are you the guy who drew that birthday invitation in my car while it was parked in front of the drugstore? Yes. Yes. Well, there's something I want to ask you. That part that says you are cordially invited to my birthday party on Wednesday, February the 14th. Yeah, but down at the bottom, there were some initials. K-C-M-J. Hey, what does that mean? That's the local station. I promised them a plug. Yeah. Oh, well, do you still want me to come to your party? Not now. Goodbye. Goodbye. Now, kids, let's get on with the program. Get on with the program because tonight we have a very important scam. Oh, Jack, are we going to do another murder at the racket club? No, no, Mary, not this time. See, I received a letter from the Palm Springs Chamber of Commerce and they requested that I do a dramatic play on the historical discovery of Palm Springs. So tonight we're going to turn back the pages of time and show you that the Palm Springs, the jewel of the desert, was founded. Set the scene down. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, although for centuries without number the area around Palm Springs was known and loved by the Indians, it was not discovered by the white man till 1774. It was in this year that the Spaniards pushed through the desert to California. But the Spaniards hungry for gold saw no value in this area and pushed onward toward the coast. For nearly another century, Palm Springs remained sleeping in the sun, a veritable paradise for the Indians of the Awa Kaliente tribe. This isn't funny, folks, but it gives Don a chance to prove that he's the best announcer in radio. Continue, continue, champ. Then in the year 1853, two intrepid explorers headed west from Texas into the blistering, burning desert. Well, the sun sure is hot today, Tex. Yep, sand is burning my feet, Tex. I think it's even hotter than it was yesterday, Tex. I think you're right, Tex. One of us should have come from Colorado. I'll tell you what, from now on I'll call you Curly. Oh, I love that. You know, Curly, something tells me we're lost. We'll never get out of this desert. I know, Tex, and we never should have. Hey, wait a minute. Look, there's a man coming for us. Oh, yes. Hello there. What's up, mister? Now, look, amigo, we're lost. We've been wandering through this desert heat for days without water or food. Our skins are burned to a crisp and our feet worn raw. Maybe you can help us. What does that mean? Next time, take the train and relax. Don't be stupid. They ain't a train within a thousand miles from here. No. Hey, let me ask you something. You live around here? Oh, no, mister. Then what are you doing out here in the desert anyway? I'm looking for my sister, mister. The sister's lost, eh? When did she disappear? Last night was when I first missed her. Your sister? Yes, mister. And you've been walking through the desert all day? Yes, and on my foot, I have a blister. Well, that's too... Mister. Or is this your beautiful? Oh, yes. You could not resist her. Well, maybe you could... Mister. I had enough of this silly talk. Let's go, Curly. Okay. Hey, wait a minute. You better draw your gun. Heck, here comes four guys on horseback. Yeah. Oh, they will not hurt you, senor. They are my brothers. Your brothers, eh? What do they do? Oh, they are singers, I think. Good. It gives us a chance to get in our commercial. Take it, boys. These horses, ain't they, Curly? They sure are. Arabian horses, but that one there is Mexican. Hey, he's nice looking. So you're a Mexican horse, eh? I think. Well, come on, Curly. If we're going to discover Palm Springs, we better get going. So long, amigo. So long. And if I do not see you till then, happy Easter. Thanks. Mister. Come on, Curly. Hey, Curly. Looks like we'll never get out of this desert. I lost track of the time. How long ago was it? Hey, wait a minute, Tex. Look at them bones laying there. That's the skeleton of a man. Yeah, look, Curly. There's a tomahawk buried in this gull. And arrows sticking through the bones. Yeah. Even had a call won't help them now. Come on, let's push on. No, no, Tex. You better go on without them. I can't make it. I'm too tired. I'm too thirsty. My throat is parched and... Curly, what are you staring at? Look up ahead. There's a pool of clear, cold water. And a beautiful girl standing beside it. Let's go. You can have the water. Hello, beautiful. Hi, handsome. Curly, come back. It's a mirage. How about a kiss, sweetie? Okay, cutie, come here. We'll lay one on there. Kissing a mirage. Are you sure? Certainly, add your arms around a cactus plant. Find yourself. Here, take these last few drops of water out of my canteen. I don't think we have too far to go. We made it, Curly. We made it. Tom Spring. Yeah, but she don't look like much. Just one small building sitting out there in the desert. Yeah, how do we get in? Well, wait a minute. This looks like the front entrance. There's a sign on the gate. What does it say? Racket Club members only. There couldn't be a racket club here in 1853. Anyone for tennis? Wait a minute. Who are you? Charlie Farrell, owner of the club. Now look, Farrell, this is 1853. How do you happen to be here now? I'm doing retakes on 7th Heaven. I ran into you, Captain O'Bennie. There's been a murder at the racket club. We're not doing that now. I'm sick of it. Well, so am I. Goodbye. Wait a minute, Farrell. What are all those red stains all over your trousers? Well, I'm the mayor, and last night I had to paint the curbs. Oh, yes, I heard about that. Well, goodbye. Goodbye. Anyone for tennis? Behind the club, there's a saloon. Let's go and have a drink. Double shot it to kill. Bartender, who's the gal coming toward us? Tess? Hi, fellas. Hey, Tess, didn't I see you in a mirage before? No, that was my sister, Babe. She's a cactus plant. Hey, Curly, I told you. I'll come a nice gal like you opens a gambling joint. The only way I could get a room here. Oh. Would you boys like to try your luck gambling? Sure would. What do you got here? Blackjack, poker, dice, and roulette. I'd like to play a little roulette. Is it on the level? Are you kidding? That wheel is so crooked, we have to have the brakes relined twice a week. No. What about the crap game? Don't be a fool. What? Those dice are so magnetized, if you got any iron in your blood, they'll run right up your sleeve. What about pooper? Is the deck marked? We don't have to mark it. What? We did you five blank cards, and a man leans over your shoulder and paints what he wants you to have. I'm going to play some roulette. Come on, let's go in. Pick your number, and watch the wheel go round. I'll put $5 on 28. That's always been my lucky number. Okay, $5 on 28. 28's always been my lucky number. Another $5 on 28. Once more. $5 on 28. It's our sketch. What happened? The two sound effects man shot each other. Lucky's tastes better than any other cigarette. If you're not happy with your brand dry LSMT, there's richer taste and mildest two in just the right degree. It's a fact. Lucky's tastes better than any other cigarette. Be happy. Friends, are you being shortchanged on smoking enjoyment? You see, a recent 38 city survey shows that millions of smokers are not happy with the brand they're smoking. Maybe one reason is some cigarettes are tasteless, and others too strong. Now you can get complete smoking enjoyment by switching to Lucky Strike. You'll really enjoy the perfect mildness and rich taste that only fine tobacco can give you. And LSMFT, Lucky Strike, means fine tobacco. That's why Lucky's tastes better than any other cigarette. So be happy. Go Lucky. Make your next carton Lucky Strike. Be happy. Go Lucky. Go Lucky Strike today. Remember, Lucky's tastes better than any other cigarette. Good night, everybody.