 It's a new month, Johnny, and you know what that means. It's a new theme. Last month was all about toxic relationships. We covered how to identify them, how to handle people who are being toxic to us, and what to do if we've identified that we're the toxic person. We create a lot of content around here, but obviously my favorite is when we do the toolbox episodes because not only it allows us to have the conversations that we have behind the scenes live for you guys to hear it, but also allows us, if need be, to dive in a little bit heavier on some topics that even perhaps we're not so quite versed on. So this is one of those topics that's a little bit of both. We deal with it in our classrooms because of a lot of the young men and women who come through dealing with a lot of uncertainty, putting together their new lives. But also it's always good to look and see if there's any new studies to back up what we're doing and just any new insights. So it's certainly going to be a good one. That's right. This month's theme is all about navigating those new relationships, those new roles in life, and as Johnny said, handling that uncertainty. As we know, removing toxic people from our lives does create a lot of uncertainty. Will I make new friends? How am I going to deal with my new coworkers? All of those things that we're going to handle in this episode on the toolbox. We also want to let you know we talked to none other than Jay Shetty last month, amazing guy who's trying to take his wisdom from his days as a monk and get them out to the masses and get them going viral. We had him in studio with us. We talked a lot about relationships, finding your purpose and dealing with that self-doubt. As always, we ended the month with a Q&A episode last month where we answered all your questions. We had our buddy David Hensel with us. He's a serial entrepreneur, husband, father, and he's been using the principles that he learned through his business to manage his relationships and ultimately his happiness. Now on this episode, we're going to take a step back and look at dealing with uncertainty in relationships in general. Then we're going to talk about how to navigate a new leadership role at work and lastly we're going to wrap it up with how to navigate building new relationships, maybe even moving to a new city. I believe Michael, our core confidence coach is going to buzz in and go over a study with us today as well. Yeah, before we dive into those specific relationship areas, we want to talk about uncertainty and Michael has an amazing study on the stress levels tied to uncertainty. So Michael, help us break down what's going on with uncertainty. Okay, thanks, A.J. Johnny. So this study was done in 2016 by Archie de Barker and his team at the University College of London and what they did was they brought in a lot of participants and they gave them a video game and in that video game, they were picking up virtual rocks. Now, every once in a while, there was a snake under a rock and that's it. Now you might say, that's a really shitty video game and you're kind of right. But it gets even worse because the moment they picked up a rock that had a snake underneath it, they got a small electric shock. So that makes it even worse. And what they wanted to do here was they plugged them into a system that would sense their stress levels, their heart rate, sweat, all that stuff. And they wanted to find out how uncertainty is related to elevated stress. And what they found was that, I quote, knowing that there is a small chance of getting a painful electric shock can lead to significantly more stress than knowing that you will definitely be shocked. And in the end, they discovered that situations in which subjects had a 50 percent chance of receiving a shock were the most stressful, while 0 percent and even 100 percent chances of getting a shock were at least less stressful. Now it's a bit of an abstract thing because that's not something we see a lot in our lives that we play this video game and suddenly we get a shock. But when you take that to a more real life situation, you have something like, say a social event and you see someone that you want to talk to. Now usually that's when uncertainty creeps in. It's what if I don't make a good first impression? What if I run out of things to say? What if the entire encounter becomes horribly awkward? And for us as humans, not knowing the future is a major source of discomfort and anxiety. But let's say you've listened to our episode on first impressions 706, you'll be good in that regard. Let's assume you haven't listened to it. So you're in that situation and what are you going to do? Are you going to face that ambiguity or not? And probably what you're going to do is you're going to try to reduce that uncertainty. You want to make this outcome really certain. And there's only one way in which you can do that. And that is, you don't say anything. And you keep standing in the corner and you don't approach. And that's it. You're completely certain. Yes, you have this little bit of a loss. You're standing in the corner and you're not talking to anyone. But at least you're not creating this horribly awkward situation. You know that going back to that video game analogy, you know that you get a shock. And that's much better than being uncertain whether you get one or not when you pick up that rock. And this is called making the least costly mistake. So this is a deeply rooted principle in our human nature. And evolutionary psychology has a lot to say about that. But I'm not going to go into there. But I'll give you an example instead. So imagine that I give you a time machine and you go back 20,000 years into the Hunter-Gatherer Society. So now you're walking through the forest. You wonder why on earth did I get in the time machine? You're looking for an electric outlet to put your iPhone in. So you walk through that forest and you see a shadow in the distance. And you think to yourself, well, that could be a bush full of berries. And I can stuff my belly and that's going to be awesome. Or it's going to be a bear, in which case I'm going to be the food. So what all of our ancestors did was they made the least costly mistake. They forgot about the food and they took a long detour around that shadow. Now probably there were some people back then who didn't make the last costly mistake. They said, oh, I'm going to go for this. They're not here anymore because they got eaten by bears. So this is really something that is still ingrained in our human nature. We just want to play it certain. We just want to accept that small little loss that we're going to pay. Instead of going for that big, big loss that's really going to be eaten by a bear, embarrassing ourselves at a party or whatever it might be. And I'm using the party example just because that's so common. But we can use that for when you want to ask for a raise. But you're not certain if you get that at work from your boss. And so you don't ever ask. Or there might be someone that specials someone out there and you want to ask him or her out for a date. But then it's like, there's this uncertainty. I might get shut down, so you don't say anything. And it's also like setting a boundary with a friend. It's like, maybe if I don't say anything at all, that friend is still going to misbehave. But at least he or she can't yell at me and shut me down or disregard my boundaries. And I think this also goes a lot in demonstrating the duality of the internal struggle because there's also another part of us that yearns for certain things, that yearns for development, yearns for attention, approval, and acceptance. And knowing that if I continue to do the same thing, standing against this wall and not go put myself out there, I'm not going to get those things either. And so what we get is moving into our 20s of, am I going to get out of the shell and learn to overcome these feelings? Or am I going to allow those feelings to beat me into submission and live this life unsatisfied? And for some of us, that leads to rationalizations. Like, oh, well, they're just lucky. They were born with these skills. They were born with these traits. I wasn't as lucky. And it can change our whole narrative. And what's great about this, well, when a lot of the guys come through program and we're talking and we're going through the cognitive biases and we're going through our cognitive processes, of being able to point out what are rationalizations that are keeping you safe and what are rationalizations or beliefs that are propelling you forward outside of this. And it's difficult to know which ones are which without being completely honest with yourself. And that's why it takes an objective look at those beliefs and understandings. For some of the point, I'll go, that's the one that's actually holding you back. That's the one that's propelling you forward. Because when it comes to ourselves, we don't want to have to admit that we believe such things that are holding us behind. So those rationalizations and the smarter you are, the wilder, the better they get. Well, that's the bias right there. We have a cognitive bias that we are acting rationally. So any rationalization that we come up with, with that bias in mind, we're going to believe is fact. Now, what do we do with this uncertainty? That's the tricky part about this. And I think it's a little counterintuitive, right, Michael? Yeah, it is because here's the thing. Like the answer to living with uncertainty is that you need to learn to embrace it. And listening to this, you probably go, I mean, at least that happened to me when I first heard this was like, but that's crazy. Like I want to get rid of uncertainty. I don't want to learn how to live with it. But listen, like being able to deal with uncertainty in all the areas of your life, whether that's dating, social life, work, whatever, like that is a massively underrated skill to be able to have that uncertainty and say, yeah, I'm just going to do what's really important. And then I'm going to take it from there. And this is really the only thing that you can control because life is inherently uncertain. There are so many parameters out there that you cannot control no matter what you do. But here's the one thing that you can control. How are you as a human being going to react? What are you going to do? Are you going to ask for that race? Are you going to ask for the date? Are you going to set boundaries regardless of whether it's certain that you'll succeed with this or not? Well, I believe and most of us have encountered this in some way or another in modern religion. It gives us the tools to deal with this uncertainty, right? It's another rationalization for all of the uncertainty that we're going to be confronted with in life. Well, religions and philosophies in general, right? These are all ideas on how do you roll forward? And this is why I love self-development because it allows you to gather tools to be better of staring in the face of uncertainty with your chest out and excited to jump into it. And I think when we can start to realize that uncertainty is a part of life and rationalize that, OK, the most important skill for me is to learn how to deal with it, well, let's talk about some things we can do to deal with it. And we have done this in past episodes. So we're just going to roll through a few things that we can do. And one of these is actually from Michael's core confidence course that I love. And I know all of the participants in that program love. Fantastic. But the very first thing we want to think about is purpose, right? When you're focused on your purpose, it gives you the tool to handle some of that uncertainty. There's a deeper meaning behind this. There's a deeper reason driving me forward than this little bit of uncertainty, this one person reacting negatively to me or my boss saying, no, I can't get that promotion or raise. If your purpose is to go on and build your own company or to go on and pursue a larger dream, then that one little setback, that one little bit of uncertainty is not going to hinder you. To go along with that. And this was a thing that happened to me and allowed me to feel lucky when I was younger. I had tend to be a shy child growing up. However, the idea of being in a band was more important to me than anything in the world. And in order for that to happen and putting that band together, I had to start going out. I had to start meeting people. I had to start asking people to join me. And it was because that purpose was so important. It allowed me to break that shell. So once again, I mean, purpose, it will propel you into doing a lot of things. Well, I know for most of our clients who come through and get a chance to work with us and meet us in person, they all want to know the back story of how do we start this company, the Art of Charm. And of course, there's an immense amount of uncertainty starting a business. And you left a music career. I left a science career behind. Everyone from the outside looked at us like, we're lunatics. Like, what are you doing with your life? A podcast 12 years ago, no one even knew what the heck we were talking about. Yeah. A coaching company, let alone in social skills. What? I didn't even know that's a thing, right? So we're walking into this uncertainty, knowing of like, I don't know if this thing is going to succeed. I don't know if this thing is going to fail. Maybe everyone's right. And there were those moments of question and doubt. But the greater meaning was the process that we had just went through to burn through that introversion, to burn through those moments of anxiety socially, come out the other side and go, whoa, I see a different world. I see opportunity now. And to be able to share that with other people. Well, that certainly gave me greater purpose than just chasing a promotion, chasing a raise. And that allowed me personally to deal with the uncertainty of leaving everything behind in Michigan, all of my friends, all of my family moving to New York City, having no radio experience, no business background. I didn't even take any business courses and moving into, okay, well, I know we may succeed, we may not, but I'm certain that the mission we're on, the purpose behind this of sharing these core values of being open, being honest and looking at things as opportunities instead of failures, well, that changed my life enough, created purpose for me to get in that car and head on over to New York City. Well, it was, it was, you could almost say you could look at it as a divine purpose. It was because it was, it was something that we saw that could benefit not only ourselves, but the people around us. And, and hopefully, if enough people hear about it, perhaps the world. And you want your purpose to align with your values and your goals. Now, for me personally, growing up, my dad was a blue collar guy, single parent, he did not get an education. And he firmly believed that the only way for me and my sister to attain a level of success beyond where he was able to get to in life was through education. And that was studying when my friends were playing. That was trying to get into med school early. That was taking courses in summers when everyone else was traveling. So that value of education, the importance of education in my life was there from the minute I could read all the way through high school and college. Now, look at where we are today, right? With this podcast, with this coaching company, that education, the value of this knowledge has become such a core value of my life that now I'm teaching and I'm trying to educate through the show, through the coaching programs, through the bootcamp, all of these skills that I didn't learn growing up. I didn't have my dad there explaining to me that this is how you relate to people better. This is how you can actually communicate and connect with ease. So that purpose and value aligning with my goals of, yes, I want to become successful. I want to reach higher heights than my family had previously. Now, well, that powers you through a lot of that uncertainty. That's the engine in the car that allows you to drive out to New York. Not knowing is this going to succeed. Not knowing is this podcast going to take off. And I think a lot of our problems in the West of record numbers of anxiety, record numbers of depression, the meds that are going through the roof for everyone to deal with these things, a lot of it, I think, comes down to this idea of purpose, meaning sort of being diluted or at least refixed, like put positioned at another place. You know, we were laughing about, you know, living in Los Angeles and the whole idea of Insta famous and all these things going on. And, you know, it's such a vanity or superficial purpose, right? And and being able to find something that allows you to wake up and give you this mission that is bigger than yourself is I think we're losing that. And I think that's where a lot of the troubles are coming from. Well, I mean, on our way over here to studio, what were we talking about? We're talking about this admissions crisis that's going on in the US. And the fact of the matter is we've talked about this on the show before, you know, not just helicopter parents, but lawnmore parents. You know what they are about? They want to remove all uncertainty from their child's life. Yes. They want to make it certain. You get into the school. They want to make it certain you get into the top tier school. They don't even care about the test. They don't care about the grades. They want that certainty. They're willing to pay for that certainty. And the kids being ununknowing of participants, yes. They didn't even know how they got in. Well, they they rationalize their own bias of how they got in through, you know, I didn't know I was such a genius. All this time. And but and then we have to think and this is what's great about this, because walking into the unknown allows you to develop tools. It allows you to learn with without it, you there's no growth. So now we have these lawnmower parents who are getting rid of uncertainty because we don't want the kids stressing out. We want to make sure they got a nice easy ride. How are they supposed to develop the tools and skills they're going to need that when they're adults to when the lawnmower runs out of gas and uncertainty is in front of them? How are they going to deal? They're not they're not getting the tools to deal. So let's talk about a very straightforward tool that everyone listening can use. And I love this, Michael. It's a technique that you can use to do a reality check on your uncertainty so that it doesn't hold you back and it's not overblown. And that's what's really important. Yeah, so what what we're using and this is something that I teach the guys that go through core confidence with me. This technique is called a courage card. And it's designed to disarm the hot cold empathy gap. Now I'll tell you what the courage card is and then I'll explain the hot cold empathy gap. So the courage card is a small piece of paper or a note on your phone where you answer the following questions to a scenario where you find yourself in often. And it's the question. Number one, what's the worst that could happen? Be realistic and really be realistic, right? Sometimes people say, well, the worst thing that could happen is that I get thrown out of my company and I get fired and I'll never get a job again and I'll sleep under bridges. Yeah, it's not really realistic. Like what's what's the realistic thing, right? Question number two is on a scale from zero to 10, how likely is this outcome going to be? Number three, if this worst outcome actually happens, will that still matter three months in the future? Number four, how would it feel if you tried? No, just try. Not saying anything. Just just try, right? How awesome would it feel if you tried? And number five, how would you feel if you actually succeeded? So you write this down for the answers. You write this down on a piece of paper for all those situations where you find yourself dealing with anxiety and uncertainty and then you keep them in your pocket. And the next time you go into that situation and you're all stressed out, you're all anxious, you bring out this piece of paper and you read through it. Now here is where the hot cold empathy gap or cold hot empathy gap, one of those two comes in because the usual problem that we have is we can think rationally about things before we're in the situation, but once we're in the situation, like everything bubbles up, we're just, you know, there's anxiety, there's stress, there's this elevated heart rate, which is freaking out and everything seems to go wrong. So this is why we write this courage card when we're cold, when we can look at this rationally. And then when it really gets crazy, that's when we look at this. It's like, hey, back then I wrote this a week ago. I was sane of mind. I was very rational. And this is what I came up with. So this is probably more the truth than what I'm feeling right now. So I'm going to go with that. I love the courage card. It's fantastic and it helps you work through all the things that you're feeling in a very based, reasonable way. And I want to add one question to it. Number six, will freaking out help you in this moment? Go ahead, go freak out. How's that going to serve you in this moment? That's the one that I was always in the back of my head. It's like, oh, well, okay, you feel like freaking out. Okay, will that help you in this moment? Go for it, right? Couple tantrums like, yeah, I didn't help anything. No, that's working against us. And here's the thing. When we actually sit there calmly, coolly, break down, what's the worst that could happen? What's the feeling I'll have if I tried? What's the feeling I'll have if I succeed in this area? Well, that rationalization happening before the fact oftentimes gets you to a place where you don't have to pull out the card. You walk in with a feeling of security that I know that I've already game planned everything. I've already worked through all the different outcomes and now I can take that step forward. Now this is all about commitment, right? This is about showing up and following through. Well, one of the things you mentioned there that was very important, we're not really in control of the outcome. A lot of times it's not up to us. However, we are 100, we're in control of the effort. We're 100% in control of that effort. And so in order to feel good or create that destiny and the best of your ability, that's going to be on you. Yeah, and taking that step forward in these moments of uncertainty. Now, obviously we talked about removing toxic relationships and when we remove relationships that does create a lot of uncertainty in our lives and it does create a lot of discomfort. So thinking clearly about, okay, I've identified my friends who are toxic. I've identified that these relationships are not serving me. Now with that courage card going through, what's the worst that could happen if I lose this friend? Okay, well, I'm not going to have that person to talk to. Okay, well, lunch is going to suck at work. They're not going to be hanging out with me anymore. Okay, on a scale of zero to 10, how likely is it that you're not going to have anyone to talk to at work, right? Oh, well, it's not pretty much out of 10, right? You start working through these things and all of a sudden you realize that, man, I'm not even close to being rational with these thoughts, right? I'm having all these emotional flare ups that aren't even rational, that aren't even tied to any reality. And I think that's really the power of this courage card. Having that in your pocket, having some faith that following through is where the magic happens, allows us to deal with that uncertainty that's holding us back. You know, this is where life experience plays a role as well. Because when you're young, you're in your 20s, you had never went through some of this stuff before. Of course, you're going to go with worse case scenario. You're going to catastrophize. Yes, you're a drama queen. You're going to play it out. You're going to make it overly dramatic. Oh, no. But as you get older and you're like, you've gone through some of these, you're like, okay, well, this did happen. I know that's not how this is going to play out. Yes, I'm probably overreacting here. It allows things to settle in. And it's awfully difficult for a young person to look ahead and make sense of those things in a rational manner. But as you go through these, they start to slow down. Well, understanding the science of uncertainty and the stress that it causes us. And now designing strategies to mitigate some of that stress, but realizing that stress is there. It's hardwired in our human nature to fuel that stress in these moments of uncertainty. Michael, it was great having you on the show today. Thank you very much for coming by. Thank you, guys. That was awesome. I actually do have to run off because I have some core confidence stuff to prepare here. But for those listeners out there who are now interested in core confidence, check out theartofcharm.com slash core. You can read all about it there and you'll get to work with me and we're going to kick some ass in the program. Yeah, certainly AJ and I are involved as well. It's certainly an amazing program. And thank you very much, Michael. Thanks. Man, that was great. I love Michael. And he's always got his hands on the new studies. And that's certainly a good one to think about. And it plays a role in so many different places. And when we're going into navigating these relationships, I have a feeling that that's going to pop up again. Something that I was thinking about as he was talking is just how indecisiveness, indecision plays a role with uncertainty. Well, because if you're moving into the unknown, there's only so much information that you can get if you've never been there before. And a lot of times when you have a choice to make, the information you get doesn't present itself with a clear choice for you to move forward. And that's difficult because if you're someone who's reserved and calculated, you want to make sure that the decisions you make are right. Now, this gets a lot of people in trouble. And this is also where we see analysis to paralysis as well. Because there's not a clear leader. I need more information. And you can go down that road as well for years. Some people go down that road. I've seen people blow large opportunities because there wasn't a clear cut sign of where they should go. And I also have a pet peeve when it's in decision. And I'm sure you've dealt with it. And there's pluses, a minus to everything. Of course, you want to be calculated and reserved and thorough in your decision making. But sometimes that can wear you down where you, because of not having that clear cut decision, you stall, you miss opportunities. I tend to err on the other side of that where I'm a little bit more brash and can be a little bit more impulsive because of how I feel about indecision. So let's just lay it out. Let's just say that you have a few choices ahead of yourself. There's no clear cut sign. So you're stalling into making that decision because, well, you don't want to make the wrong one. Each minute, each day, each week that goes by that you haven't chosen a path, pressure, tension builds behind you. And this is going to lead to you being stressed out. And if you are a person who struggles with indecision, this becomes part of your life where you're always stressed out because there are decisions in your life that you know you need to make that you're unable to. And it only gets worse. So there was a saying that I even looked up. I couldn't find a clear quote by anybody, but a lot of people have adopted it and including myself, which is sometimes there's no right or wrong decisions. Only decisions you make right. And here is that because there's not a clear cut choice, you are going to have to lean in and make sure that the effort, which we were just talking about of yours, is 100 committed and put into making whatever you choose as the right one. And still, even if whatever you chose blows up in your face, there is something to be learned there that you did not know previously that is invaluable to you. That allows you to be better. I saw a quote attributed to the co-founder of Dropbox saying, the number of failures don't matter because you only got to get it right once. Boom. Understanding that we're not going to avoid all bad decisions in our lives. That's impossible. Bad decisions will be made. What you do to handle those bad decisions, the lessons you take away from those, the action that furthers you on the path of success, that's what matters. That's where the rubber meets the road. Now, let's look at navigating these relationships at work because one of the biggest reasons you end up on our couch at The Art of Charm is you've now moved into a new role that has a lot of uncertainty and you're feeling some pressure. You're feeling some stress and you're lacking some confidence. You are really good at your old job. You are really good at building those sprockets but now you've got to manage a team of sprocket builders. How are you going to do that? And how are you going to do that when you haven't done it before and there's uncertainty tied to it? I'm just happy we're building sprockets. I know. And Johnny, you've become a great sprocket builder. It's taken 12 years but you've come a long way. I can tell you that. And when we move into this new leadership role, obviously we've built relationships with our coworkers and that dynamic is also going to shift, right? Now we're not their peer, we're their boss and dealing with that can lead to some stress and some uncertainty. Now, the question usually goes something like this. I'm going to move into this new leadership position and I'm freaking out because I don't know how to handle it. Help me. And last month we had on our good buddy, mentor David Henzel, serial entrepreneur and he gave us some great advice when it comes to leadership and it really breaks down to four tasks that we need to do to become a great leader. And the very first one is actually the one that I think a lot of us just want to rush past. We don't even want to get involved in and that's setting expectations. And a lot of times when it comes to setting expectations, well, there's uncertainty. We're a little nervous, right? We don't know how do we want to lead? How do we want to step into this role? And I want to add to that because you might not know how to step in that role or how to lead. So you want to leave those expectations kind of vague. The problem with this is you're now putting your team into uncertainty and they're not going to like it. Right. And as you heard, whether it's flipping over a virtual rock with a snake under it or it's your coworker, your peer, the person you're managing, not knowing what he needs to do to get the job done. Well, that uncertainty is stressful. So the first thing we want to do is we want to be clear with our expectations, such as setting hard deadlines. Now, not hard as in, oh, this is impossible. How am I going to get this done? Hard as in specific. Don't say, oh, I need this in a couple of weeks. Say, no, I need it June 5th. That's the deadline. Being clear in that expectation. And that way, when that expectation is set, both sides feel less uncertainty. It's clear. We know where we're moving to and we know the rate at which we have to move. Now, we also want to be specific with the directions that we give. Right. A lot of times we, when we move into a leadership role, we haven't had much experience communicating what it takes to get the job done. We've only been immersed in doing the job ourselves. And understanding that when you're not clear in your communication and directions, well, obviously that leaves a lot of room for error. And to Johnny's point, leads to more uncertainty. Yes. And something else to think about is not only should you be putting expectations on the team, but you also have to give the team the expectations that they can have with you. Now both parties can feel safe. And you may think, well, I don't want to put any deadlines or anything on me, but you have to, in order for them to work at their best. So if they understand what you're doing and the sacrifices that you are making, they are going to feel better. And not only that, they're going to be wanting to put their best effort in because they see it as, well, you're hitting your expectations. You're leading by example. When you're setting up expectations both ways, letting them know truly what your open door policy means, truly what a check-in means, that clarity removes the uncertainty and the stress that your teammates are feeling. And here's a little trick that David told us that I love and we've started to use. When we're communicating, especially when we move into a leadership role, a lot of us change our communication. And what I mean by that is, when we're coworkers, it's a two-way conversation. Okay, Johnny, I feel this, and Johnny tells me what he feels. But then all of a sudden, one of us takes on a leadership role and the communication goes one way. It goes from the leader to the person below them. What we're talking about here, setting those expectations and giving clear directions, the easiest way to check that is to have that person explain it back to you. Okay, I gave you directions. We just had a 30-minute meeting. Let me know what it is that you're going to go and do now. And give them an opportunity to clearly restate what you just gave as a directive. I love that. Now, there's no miscommunication. Now, there's no, oh, well, AJ was on his phone. He only heard 20% of what I was saying. And you can clear up a lot of this stuff before your staff, before your teammates go run and charging out the door after that meeting. Because there's nothing worse than that lack of clarity leading to a bunch of people rowing in opposite directions and going off and doing the wrong thing. You know, I have certainly worked in an environment before where the team manager or leader was, when laying out expectations for everybody else and when you looked at him, you're like, well, don't worry about me. I'm the leader. I'm like, well, now I'm worried. Yeah. And it's, you know. See, that's the thing. That's not a leader. That's an authoritarian. That's a dictator. Exactly. Right. A leader is someone that is able to have the two-way communication, is able to speak clearly and get into conversation and doesn't have a different set of rules for them. Now, the second thing we want to do, we want to check in frequently. And this is not about being a helicopter manager and being a micromanager. But listen, we can stop a lot of the mistakes and errors by simply checking in frequently and early enough in the process, right? If your team after the meeting goes, runs out the door and you let them work on something for a week and they're 50% of the way done, but they missed a tiny detail, do you know how difficult it's going to be to repair those mistakes? Well, I want to bring up something here that you'll get a laugh out of. How many times in the history of our company where we had given somebody a task and just let them go off and do their thing? Because we, at the beginning, we didn't want to feel like we're a micromanager or feel that we were on their case. I still struggle with this. It's incredibly difficult and there is no right answer because everybody is different and needs to be managed differently. But if you allow just somebody to roll for a few weeks and you come back like, where the hell are you? How did this happen? Why are we chasing dinosaurs on Hollywood Boulevard? What in the heck happened? And that's just it. When you're not checking in, even if you gave clear directions, you had it repeated back to you, but you're not checking in. Sometimes the team members can go off course. Well, it's very easy for them because... And it doesn't mean they're bad team members either. We're not bashing your team members. We're not saying, hey, we're all working with a bunch of idiots. This is just human nature. We're going to work from the seat that we're in. And a lot of times, if we don't have the full picture, if we're not clear on what the overlying objectives are, we could get caught in the weeds and we could make the wrong decision. Well, this is why there's reviews. And so the people can talk about the issues they're having so we can find better ways to manage each other. And you need to be communicative, or that's not going to happen. A lot of times people see reviews, oh, this is where I'm going to get chewed out. That's the way you're going into this. We got more probably know what to do with it. Ian, these check-ins are not about chewing anyone out. A good leader is simply checking in to make sure that if there are anything holding us back, we can fix them in a fast manner. So these check-ins are not about randomly coming around the office and looking over people's shoulders. AJ, I'm going to need you to pee in this cup today. I need another LaCroix. So what does it mean? It means setting a standard time, 10-minute stand-up meeting. Just check in with your team members. It's not about tying up an hour every single week of their time. Everyone's got work to do. But having a regular interval pulse check in with every single team member allows you as the leader to keep everyone organized and keep everyone rolling in the right direction. And here's a pro tip from David. He says, you want to do your first detailed check-in at the 10% mark of project completion. 10%. He's like, you want that first check-in to happen before any major errors can slow down the whole timeline. And as you can imagine, as teams grow, as projects grow in size and scope, one mistake could be critical to that timeline. One mistake could set everyone back. So we want to make sure that we're clear with our check-ins and do them early and often. Now, number three here, offer feedback and mentorship. There we go. Right? And this is about allowing the person to fully own their role, allowing them an opportunity to improve. And that feedback should not just be on their weaknesses. And this is something that I've struggled in leadership role of like, you know, I want it done. I want it done the right way. And certainly there are going to be times when, oh, I didn't get it done the way that I want it. And then I want to go immediately to, okay, this is something we need to work on. It's more difficult at times in the heat of the moment to think about all the strengths of that person and all the other things they bring to the table. So we want to make sure that when we're offering feedback, the feedback has a healthy dose of what's going well and what's going wrong. And what's going well is an opportunity for them to feel like, okay, all of my efforts in this area are being recognized and rewarded. You could imagine if all we're doing is giving negative feedback, well, at some point that person's going to feel like, well, I'm not wanted here. I'm not actually getting it done. I'm struggling. So we're going to temper all of our negative feedback with positive feedback, allowing the other person to feel good about the role that they are in and what performance they have in putting into this effort. Because there's nothing worse, we want to talk about uncertainty of only feeling that your weaknesses are being highlighted and bashed by the people who are managing it. Why would you want to come to work for that? Right. Now you're on your way to creating a toxic work environment. Absolutely. The fourth one we want to talk about here, consequences and rewards. And this is something that David touched on in the Q&A. We want to make sure that there are consequences when things are not done and rewards when things are done. Sometimes you get the stick. Sometimes you get the care. Yeah. And as a leader, sometimes we're going to have to get in there and say, hey, this is not working. This is not getting done. And I think if you're a people pleaser or someone who can't deal with calling someone out, well, it's going to be the toughest part of your job. But that's what a leader does. Well, and if you're working with good people, they're going to want to know when they're doing things wrong. They're going to want to know when they're making mistakes. They don't want to continue doing that. And it's what is worse is learning because no one had corrected you that for the last six months you've been doing it wrong. And not only have you been doing it wrong, maybe other people have been trying to fix your work, which so now it's like practice makes permanent. You can't, they're finding out that for the last six months you've been doing something in the wrong way and certain people were trying to fix it because they did not have the will or the courage to correct you. So now they're building resentment. And how about the other people in the office are like, well, that person just is incompetent. That person's been trying to fix it. I don't know what they're doing over there. And now we have when there are no consequences, there's anarchy. Yeah. Right. When one superstar co-worker sees the other team member screwing up and there are no repercussions or consequences for those screw ups, it demotivates the other team members. It doesn't allow them to feel comfortable because they're all of a sudden saying, well, wait a second, why am I going above and beyond? Why am I putting in all this hard work when clearly we can just walk around making a bunch of mistakes and nothing happens? A lack of effort doesn't get us called out. As a leader, it's your job to keep everyone in line. So that means when the time calls for it, there has to be consequences. And when the time calls for it, there has to be rewards. People want to know that they're doing a good job. People want to know that they're on the right track. And people want to know that their results matter. So do everyone a favor and call out the person who's neglecting their responsibilities. Bring them into a meeting and be unambiguously clear about what needs to change and why. And then there is a boundary. If this does not change by X date, you no longer have a role on this team. You no longer work here. These are the consequences to not delivering the results that we need to see as leaders. We also want to be very clear on the rewards, right? When someone is doing a great job, they're going above and beyond. Do you want to praise them? You want to call them in for a one-on-one and celebrate them? And you want the other team members to see that that hard work gets rewarded. This is something that sports teams get right. And you see it when a good quarterback is celebrated. He's always going to talk about his offensive line and his running back. When the coach is getting the credit for the team winning, he's going to give the credit to the defense being able to stop the run game. Those things are ingrained in those team sports and there's people seeing the right manner. It's difficult for people who haven't had that tradition or that upbringing or that experience to understand how that works. And we're certainly living in a it's all about me world right now, especially with all the technology focused on the individual and accomplishments. But it's difficult to see. We have a team of people just to make sure that this is going off without a hitch for you all right now. Yeah, and it's very easy for it to become too competitive and for that environment to not support hard workers, people who go above and beyond top performers. So that's what it takes to be a great leader. So to recap, we're talking about one, we want to make sure we're setting expectations and we're clearing those expectations. Two, we want to check in frequently, letting them know that they're on the right track and keeping everyone on track. This is important and that pro tip of doing it at the 10% of project completion mark, not waiting until the 50 or 60% can save you a lot of headache. The third thing, all for that feedback and mentoring. Give people an opportunity to learn from you so that they can grow. Everyone wants to feel a part of a team, but they also want to feel like they're growing and they're improving. And number four, we want to set up consequences for bad behavior and rewards for great behavior so that we're incentivizing and disincentivizing the right behaviors as a team leader. Now, we want to talk about some biases that are going to come into play here because when we get that promotion and we get elevated, it really is management saying, hey, you're more than capable. We think you bring great things to the table. And it's very easy for us to take that as a sign of, okay, great, I have great judgment. Now I see clearly, now I'm going to manage these people and not think about all the biases that we are bringing to the table. And Johnny, we were listening to a fantastic interview with Sam Harris and Daniel Kahneman. And he talked a lot about these biases that come up when we're just trying to hire people. Which is, I couldn't stop laughing about it because well, through these 12 years, we've certainly had a lot of people work at the art of charm. And some were good fits, some were not such good fits. Some were complete puzzles where you're like, I thought I had to read. I thought this was going to work out great. What the heck happened? And if you allow that sort of thing to get to you, it could have you doubting yourself. But the most important thing is that as much as you think you might know about somebody, you don't know them. It's all a hunch. It's all just intuition, you hope for the best. And that's all you can do. So Sam and Daniel were talking about how ineffective job interviews truly are. Because the interviewer brings their biases into that room. And the first and most powerful bias that we're all going to have is that our judgment is sound. On top of the fact now that we just got rewarded by management of the company, they elevated and promoted us. So our ego's got a big boost. Our judgment's been rewarded. So now we're going to go and go, oh, I knew this coworker as such and such, and I knew this person was not a good fit. That's why we went over everything that David just talked about. Those four things, in terms of becoming a great leader, are checking these biases, not allowing us to create beliefs and ideas about our coworkers just based off past performance. And the thing is, what David had talked about takes work. Like, you have to get up, go to see what their coworker's doing at 10% into his project. That takes work. You can easily stay in the break room and keep chatting away. That takes work. And there's a part of you that, well, you don't want to seem like you're on their back or on their case. So you'll rage, well, listen, I personally interviewed that guy. I know he's got it. We're good. And then meanwhile, he's often running in a direction that no one asked for. Right, no one would have predicted. So understand that these biases you're bringing to the table, whether you've been promoted or not, and sometimes they can become massive blind spots when our ego has been inflated through something like a promotion. Now, we understand that we're going to make mistakes in relationships. We learned last month just how some of these mistakes could end up being toxic for us, our personal well-being, our emotional health. Now, we're also highly susceptible to these emotional biases that we talked about. We don't want to allow these mistakes to erode our spirit and resolve. We want to be able to make great relationships. We want to be able to identify some awesome new friends. And some of us are going to go through a massive change in our lives that may take us to an entirely new city, an entirely new town. Well, you know, here's what's great about moving into new city. You get to reinvent yourself. Top to bottom. Whoever you want to be and you have the opportunity of acting as if the new person that you want to be without anyone telling you, you can't do that. Now, that's the plus, right? And this is great. The opportunity to reinvent yourself, I believe and think that everyone should be able to get to experience at least one time or another because it's important. It frees you from chains that have been holding you back. Now, the other part about this is where the biases come in. So you have this new opportunity and now you're leaving a bunch of people behind and you're trying to look at all the positives. So not only are you like, I'm going to be a new person. I'm going to do this. I know one's going to tell me that I can't. And then you go, and I'm only going to have new awesome friends, no more toxic people. I'm going to get rid of the naysayers and the negative podcasts. I took notes. I'm ready to go. Let's do this. Let's brand new. Turning over new leaf. So now you might be a little bit harder on who you're going to let in. And this is why we have to go back to that biases that we're talking about. Why it's so important to know that you don't know. You don't know shit about these people. You don't know nearly as much as you think you know. And so you will make mistakes. However, if you listen to the value episodes and you've been listening to this podcast, you are going to know a lot of things that will allow you to filter in much better people than in the past. But there are going to be a few to get through. Yeah. And we're giving you the tools to make those mistakes less costly. Exactly. We're not avoiding the mistake. And that's why I wanted to wrap this episode with one of the most common questions we get asked here at the Art of Charm. In fact, we literally just got one of these questions from Danielle. I'm moving from Omaha to Seattle with my dog and I'll be starting completely over. What is the best way to meet new people? I met almost all of my friends in Omaha through the military or college, but now I'm just on OKCupid. How else do I meet people in my thirties to make new friends? Well, number one, you are not alone. Yep. We've talked a lot about making friends as adults is difficult. Why? Because we got to sacrifice some things. We have to put ourselves out there. And for a lot of us, we've relied on relationships we built in our adolescence. Relationships that were easier to build because there was forced socialization, whether it was in a school environment or whether it was on campus or whether it was some social events that we were part of. There was this forced socialization that gave us ample opportunity to make friends as we move into adulthood. But we don't have a lot of those pressures. You can stay in. You don't have to do X, Y, Z. Well, those pressures could be there only if you're willing to put them on yourself. Right. So if you're not going to put the self-constraints that say, hey, I got to go out. I got to get things moving. It's easy to just fall into the trap of building virtual relationships and not leaving our house, becoming that hermit. Well, it's so easy. And then to think that, oh, I have been social today. I've been posting on everybody's stuff. I got some likes. I private message Bill. I'm good. In fact, according to the United States Census Bureau, about 11% of Americans move every year. And about a third of those are going to move to an entirely different county. So we're talking moving a distance away from where those relationships that you currently have exist. So if Americans are moving around, how is it that we can create new relationships with ease? And how can we filter in the right people now that we've identified, well, we don't want toxic people in our life? And I know, Johnny, you and I, we've moved. Yeah. Multiple times in building this company. And you've moved even more before that. Yes. And I wanted to say here, we were talking about uncertainty. And I had also brought up that the more uncertain that you are, the more it's going to be easy for you to not take action, to be indecisive. And then because of that, the results being the stress that you're going to endure until you make that choice. Now, when I had the opportunity to move to New York and help get all this started, I was 32 at the time. Yeah, I think I was 32. If anything, I was 33. Can you remember any of this now? But it happened so fast. And because of that, I just got really excited and put all my thought into getting to New York and how I was going to go about it. And that it didn't settle in until about two days before I was supposed to go. And one night I was at the venue that I worked at and I was cleaning up after the evening and last call. And I was there by myself and I'm sweeping up. And it all hit me. And in that moment, I got so choked because I had lived in North Carolina and Chapel Hill for 12 years up until that point. So I was giving up my whole life at that moment. And because I didn't give it any mind, it all snuck up on me. And because I was walking into the great unknown, at that moment, I was alone. My emotions got to bust me and I just started crying. And I started laughing because I couldn't stop it. And I knew what was going on. But my body had to go through this process of just the uncertainty and what I threw myself into and what I was going to, it just slammed me. And I want everyone out, and I tell this silly story because I want everyone out there who is dealing with a move or this uncertainty or changing their life in a significant manner that it's okay to have these feelings. It's going to be stressful. It's not going to be easy. You're going to freak out a little bit. That's okay. Let's mitigate some of that uncertainty by giving our audience a step-by-step plan. I feel like if we could at least have a plan, we'll have a little more faith in taking that next step and we could potentially mitigate some of that stress from uncertainty. Now, the first thing we're going to want to do when we land in this new town, in this new place, is we're going to want to do a little research and identify some events that interest us. This could be dancing. This could be cooking. This could be CrossFit. This could be a show. This could be a comedy, a magician. Whatever the case may be, identify two to three events that really interest you, that you would be excited to check out and do. Now, some of this may mean taking some time to think about, well, you know, moving from Omaha to Seattle, you know, in Omaha I had all these friends so I didn't really have time. What if I always wanted to do, but I just haven't made time for it? I think that's the... What if I always wanted to do? And think about it this way. What does the new you like to do? You have this opportunity to reinvent yourself, not only to now dive into these hobbies that the new you is really going to get us. Fired up about. Yeah. Now, this allows us to get out of our house, right? Identifying the events, making a plan, allows us to go out and actually find some social opportunities. Now, we want to preface this with an event that interests you so that even if you don't have an opportunity to really interact with many people, you still got some enjoyment out of leaving your apartment, leaving your house, going after it. Because guess what? Bars are not the best place to meet new friends. When we're just starting out, there's really no guarantee that you're going to click and connect in that environment. And in fact, a lot of us go out with our friends. So breaking into new social circles at a bar or a nightclub is going to be ridiculously difficult. It's possible. But let's create some simple things that allow for success so that we can start reducing that uncertainty right out of the gate. So we've identified, we've done the research, we got our two to three events. Now, hold your feet to the fire and talk to people when you're there. Yeah, and this is, I had just gotten into it with, it was the core confidence group and somebody was really nervous about taking some action and some networking events that they had. And the way they were approaching it is they kept looking at it as this whole event from 9 o'clock to 12 o'clock and what's going on. And who is making you invest that amount of time in something that you hate? No one. No, of course, you're freaking out about this thing. And break it down. Most importantly, when it comes to a lot of these things, it's about being seen or showing that you're being supportive. That doesn't mean you need to be there from the doors open to the door until they throw you out. Right. It means that you're there and while you're there, you're smiling, you're enjoying yourself and you're being supportive. So if that means that in order to do that, that you're going to have to relegate your presence to an hour and a half, well, so be it. The people who invited you, the people who are there, would rather you be there for that hour and a half and excited and putting in all your effort than for three hours and being negative Nancy. Absolutely. No one has put a gun to your head say, stay here while you have no fun and drag everyone else down. Right. When you set small goals, they become a lot easier to attain. And you don't put all that added pressure on by saying, I have to stick for the full event. And if you're going to be there for an hour and a half, what is the small goal and approaching or talking to people that would be manageable, that would get you excited about it than rather than dreading it to three people? For me, it's always quality over quantity. Right on. Absolutely. And when I'm trying to go out and socialize and grow my social circle, it's not about collecting 20 business cards or 17 handshakes. It's about getting into a quality conversation with someone. So talk to people. What do we talk about when we're there? We get these questions all the time. So let me give you some topics that I found work wonders when I'm meeting strangers for the first time. The first one is talk about ambitions and goals. Where do you see yourself in five years? Hey, who's not going to get excited to share what their ambitions are? Now we're tapping into their potential. They're going to be excited to share. Second thing, talk about travel. When we look around, everyone, it seems, on Instagram is traveling, has got their travel photos up, or looking forward to some sort of trip or vacation. So travel is an easy conversational topic that will, again, focus on these exciting emotions. The question I love asking people I've met for the first time is what are you excited about? Gives them an opportunity to share their positive emotions. The other topic I love talking about, especially being a transplant, is hometowns. Are you originally from here? No, well, I just moved here. Oh, you're from Pittsburgh? Ah, Steelers, yeah. Everyone loves talking about their hometown. Everyone's got information on their hometown. They could tell you what's good, what's bad, what they enjoyed, why they left. So these are all easy wins, conversationally, at the event. But the important thing is we're talking to people. Number three, there are going to be some great conversations you have, and there are going to be some dud conversations you have. You don't know who you're rolling up to. And not only do you not know who you're rolling up to, you don't know what they had been through to get there. How open they are, exactly. So here's what we want you to do. Get the contact information of the people you enjoyed the conversation with. Don't go running around grabbing everyone's phone number. But if you had a great conversation about their hometown, their five-year plan sounds exciting to you. Hey, throw your number in my phone. I'd love to grab lunch. I'd love to show. I'd love to take you to the next concert. I'm checking out next week. You know, I think a lot of people get this whole thing confused when they hear things. And I think it's a relatively new term. But maybe I'm wrong on that. But this thing of these network gurus or super connectors and this whole type of thing. So now anytime that anyone thinks about any of these things, they think about that they got to be the guy who is the brightest light there, who's gathering all the cards. That is such a difficult thing. If you've built up a presence and for yourself, well then people are going to want to meet you. Let's relax on that part. Let's get comfortable going out and hanging out. And chatting with a few people. Because we all know that those the best connections are the ones that you spent time on. And that's where that is where everything starts. So get their contact information. The ones you had a great conversation with. Say throw your number in my phone. Now here is the key in all of this to Johnny's point. If I've ran around the room and collected 100 phone numbers, how the hell am I going to follow up with 100 people in a meaningful way? You can't do it. That becomes a full-time job. So we want to focus on the follow-up. That's where the magic happens. You don't realize that you're not going to get in a relationship if you didn't do anything after that event. So yes, identify the event, show up at the event, talk to people, grab phone numbers, and then follow up. And here's how we're going to do that. Make it a habit to reach out to the person who organized the event and thank them for organizing it. Always. I had a great time. I met some amazing people. Thanks for hosting. And I also want to go on with that promoters, event planners. It could be a very thankless job. I would just want to go from the music lens of this as a promoter. It's so difficult. When the show does well, the bands are padding themselves on the back. Everyone's excited. We drew well. It's a great show. When the show goes bad, everyone points at the promoter. Oh, it was his fault. Everyone's going to pat their own selves on the back or blame the promoter when things go wrong. And so when you reach out to the organizer, when you reach out to the promoter for thanking them for putting on an evening, they remember that. And you're going to be first to go on their invite list for next time. Because they understand that you appreciate the work that they're putting in. Exactly. That's what we're talking about here. In your follow-up, we want to give value. And when we talk about value, attention, appreciation, acceptance, attention means in the follow-up, sharing what you remembered, sharing what you listened to in the conversation. Oh, I remembered you said you love the Steelers. I wanted to show you this article about AB leaving. Right? We're adding value. We paid attention to what they said. Appreciate them. As Johnny said, give the host props for organizing and bringing all those awesome people together. And then acceptance. And acceptance is welcoming that person into your life now. Easiest way to do that is to invite them to the next event you're going to be checking out. Hey, I really dug this cooking class. I'm also checking out this improv class. You want to check it out with me? I just want to give you a little background on this. For every event that you go to or concert, there is at least two weeks of somebody's life where they are running around with their head cut off. Freaking out. I'm just freaked out. No one's going to show up. This is going to be a failure. Just unbelievable headaches. So every little pat on the back goes a long way. It certainly does. It allows you to stand out. It certainly does. Now, what we just covered is the infamous social sales funnel. We've talked about it. We've bantered about it here on the show. Now we understand this is the easiest way to filter in new awesome people. Why? Because you were taking control. You're taking a lead. I will tell you that no social circle is going to just magically form around you through osmosis, through standing around and hoping for it. You have to take action. When it comes to moving to a new town, when it comes to becoming a better leader, you have to be the one taking action. You can't be waiting. Hope is not a strategy. And make sure you pack your patience. Understanding that there are going to be people who say yes and don't show up. There are going to be people who flake. But when you follow this model, you're putting yourself in a position to win. Why? Because you're already going to events you enjoy. It's putting you in a good mood. It's allowing you to put your best foot forward. Then you're only trying to connect with the people you're already having great conversations with. You're not grabbing everyone's phone number. You're only grabbing the ones that actually you got along with. Then you're using the power of the invite and having a little plan of, hey, I got this other thing coming up. Hey, I'm checking out Johnny's Band next week. You should join me. That act of acceptance and giving value welcomes in new people into your life. And the ones that show up tend to be pretty awesome people. We've filtered in the right ones. Now, this wraps up this week's Toolbox episode. And next week's part two, we're going to talk about navigating romantic relationships. So you don't want to miss it. Until then, here's a question for you. What kind of relationships are you struggling to navigate through? Is it those coworkers? Is it building new friendships or is it romantically? Let us know. We're always excited to hear from you. You can send us your thoughts by heading on over to thearticharm.com slash questions. You can also email us questions at thearticharm.com. And you can always find us on social media, except for what was yesterday with the outage. We're on Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter at The Art of Charm.