 Assalamu alaikum and welcome to making a house a home with myself Sanaa Arraji and our guest Fahimah Muhammed, a qualified life coach at an NLP practitioner. Assalamu alaikum Fahimah, now today we're going to be discussing maintaining good relationships with your spouse. Now can you just divulge into that and discuss the the topic with us? Of course again I like to talk about what you know is said you know with regards to our religion and what we are based everything the show and how we live is because of that and we cannot forget that because that's the real foundation and that's where it stems from even with modern psychology but again it relates to it so Allah says that amongst his sign is that he has created you as mates from you know amongst each other from yourselves and that you dwell in tranquility with them and he has put love and mercy between you so that you are signs for the these are signs for you know for you to reflect so at the same time I would say that particular statement shows and says a lot like the words that stand out to me is more so with you being there for each other as mates as well as putting love and mercy now we have the love aspect especially when you're in a relationship that can you know remain and we can also have that love which changes over time but that mercy for each other as I know as a relationship coach is sort of you know lacking over time and relationships do change and we have to understand that marriage is a shared struggle that's how we interpret it you know when we are talking about marriage in Islam because it's the reality we have all the media and we have all these connotations of how you know relationships should be but even studying relationships over the last you know 100 years it has changed so much and this day and age it is different but at the same time if we have these core values of how we see each other then we can overcome those struggles by still maintaining it and even in modern psychology when I read a lot of books about relationships or just generally in life in order to be successful we need to have a drive of not giving up and honor the struggle so that you work through those challenges but now it's like I don't love her we don't connect you know comparing to someone else and then I'm bored of this sort of way and you know I've changed and she's stuck where she was so we know we're gonna give up you know that sort of way of thinking we're not strong humans we're not resilient we're not fighters we're not maintaining what is ours and keeping it and working through it so that for me you know is a lot even Imam Saleh Kala Islam speaks about one of the companion's wife who announced to the prophet that her husband was in prayer day and night you know doing everything and giving all his time to his Salah and you know the community but not giving her any attention and not giving her the time and again there are rights Imam Zayn al-Avideen has got you know written books of rights and a lot of that does show how you know as a wife as a husband you know what rights do we have upon ourselves and each other and you've got to give them the time you've got to give them the attention and you've got to build those relationships not just at the beginning when you're feeling strong and it's emotionally you know taken over by all those feelings that you have and then all of a sudden you just sort of like spiral downwards and you think that you know it's okay we've been together now you know we don't need to do the same things you know you got to keep working at it you got to keep rebuilding and recreating that relationship even through you know changes in your job even through the struggles that you face with children because that is a big factor that people don't consider and don't want to face that after having children the mom changes the dad changes the attention is different the attention's less even from the mother the hormones are all over the place and it takes a while and you know the attention that the children need takes away from that quality time that you might give your spouse or the realization because you have expectations on each other and assume that each other understand what they're going through but they don't and there's a different love that the man has for the child and there's a different way that he sees it but then sometimes the woman can be resentful of that because she has all these emotions and they are different and it seems like there's a you know there's an inconsistency with in which the relationship can go further and taken to be actually closer and that connection to be actually stronger with the bond of the child in the house but nowadays i'm faced with couples coming to me with challenges especially you know wanting separation wanting breakup after years of marriage after years of investment after so much of experience after children that rely on them and want the safety and security of home and yes ideally i like to obviously make that home together build it so that they actually get together but even if those homes do end in separation and divorce which does happen and it's not my direction to involve myself in the decision making but whichever decision they do choose it can be quite safe and sound and respectful and they can still be team players between each other and there's no outside interference where it's going to create more you know fire and you know all these assumptions and resentment that we have once there's a separation or just a divorce will actually you know create more tension and we cannot move forward in our lives so when you come to couples coaching as you know trying to figure out your relationship at whatever states that you're at because you know normally you think well i don't have an issue but then what are you tolerating it depends what you're tolerating you don't want to tolerate as soon as you feel that you know that you're tolerating you need to seek some sort of like you know therapy you need to seek some sort of like you know communication between the two of you to actually express that because when it's not expressed and it just spirals and spirals into something which is massive and something small would ignite it and then it's it's broken and sometimes it's irreparable yes and you know what is very common in some relationships that i've seen through you know family members or friends is that the duty to maintain the relationship is put on the woman so she has to put effort she needs to do what she needs to perhaps uh i don't know she wants to look good so she'll lose weight she'll go to the gym she will put effort to maintain a good relationship with her spouse i'm not saying all the time but it's very it's very common yeah and the the man in the relationship is a bit more laid back is not too bothered is not taking the same approach and the effort to maintain good relationships and is allowing just the you know leaving it to fall onto the responsibility of of the woman which isn't fair as both parties should really contribute to maintaining a healthy relationship and it could be just keeping fit looking presentable whichever whatever you know uh you know could help build the relationship and make it a lot more brighter and healthier but that's the thing when you're going to take things just in your own hands and you don't see improvement over time then one can slip and one will not be seen or even if a family member's there they're going to take one side over the other not even intentionally but it could just be the biasness of you know this is my brother that i'm going to be looking out for and you know his wife is not actually making the effort or this is my sister and the brother should be more understood you know her husband should be more understanding so these are the issues that we have within households and especially within marriages and that's when couples coaching come in because it's not counseling it is not necessarily even therapy it is actually just two individuals trying to sort things out holding themselves accountable respectfully for each other making them short making you know each other aware of what their feelings are because when i do couples coaching i sit as a third person and they speak to each other there is a process that we actually do in couples coaching and it's totally different and it's like you know them hearing each other repeating what the other one's saying so there's understanding first of the other person even if they like what's been said or not then it's given to the other side as to explain and have a response to that and then i also when i when i coach couples i do it individually and i do it where they're together so you know there's a variety because there's certain things they need to be said that you know they just want to get clear in their minds and then they can come together and have coaching sessions and you know it makes a world of a difference for them to be aware of their own state of being and how they are and take responsibility for it and that's when you will not get what you just described where one is slacking and one is not putting the effort or one is not seeing themselves because that's what happens one is always doing the work and the other one isn't and obviously two people have to come together to make it work whichever form you take i'm not just promoting coaching because this is my profession you go to anyone and do it you can even you know read about it i bring coaching into every area in life and you know i know the household the importance it's pace you know it's basically placed upon in our religion and the reason why society is failing is because of this foundation being so unstable you know break you know breakdowns of homes and you know the children and the implication the impact of that if you're not strong enough enough resilient not every you know family that's broken can actually pick themselves up quick enough and i'd pick up the pieces and not have these children you know growing to adults with the same underlying issues right you know so that's why you need to approach this very quickly and tactfully so that you can catch whatever you can i'm not saying they should never be divorcing they should never be separation it's allowed in certain circumstances it does happen but before you reach those levels make sure you do everything a hundred percent and take your time before you make these choices and decisions now in your experience when you do get approached by clients is it always the the female in that approach shoe or the or the husband you know how does it work i'm not gonna lie yes it is mainly female to start off with but once the wife does show like my shows and the way i speak and what i represent and i do offer a consultation first so that i'm invited into their homes or wherever it may be that we meet so that they can actually get to know me and because of the way in which i think and believe i'm not just one sided to the women or to the man or whatever it may be it is really the issue that we're dealing with that actually the male you know a member is actually quite happy for for me to coach them because you know they can really see my non-biased and my non-directiveness and they can see me not being judgmental and i'm not there to actually you know do anything except for just to help them each other equally and for the purpose and the outcome that they desire and even if that desire and that outcome is not even clear at the beginning we work our way towards it so yes it might not be necessarily i mean a lot of male clients come to me because of professional reasons because i coach with you know with their companies with their businesses you know for them to be you know you know basically be high performance you know sort of you know level and you know perform into the best that they can be in whatever work environment or for their studies or whatever it may be but yeah when it comes to couples coaching it's normally the wife that comes to me you know asking for the assistance but they normally both on board by the time they hear me speak the reason i'm asking that is because a lot of men don't want to listen to someone to tell them like as in they find it hard to be told that they're doing something wrong or in fact in denial that they need any help well that's the thing in coaching we do not advise you we don't make you feel like you're doing anything wrong the line of questioning is just for you to open up your own awareness with what you're saying and i help you with whatever you're thinking and feeling and i just question it's all about having these you know these smart questions these powerful way of asking you you know what do you mean like i'm sitting with you on the same level as you i'm trying to understand you i'm trying to maybe say you know give you an alternative and say what other ways could you be thinking of it and how do you think someone else might think of it and if you were to do certain things what would be the impact that you know in your experience or what could be the worst case or the best case so it's very very safe it's not judgmental they feel exactly how they need to be spoken to with respect as well because they're not being judged and they're not being laughed upon if they want to go to their male friends for example or they're not going to be looked down upon because they're speaking to another female you know in a particular way that's you know going to come just from a female's perspective it's absolutely not like that and not all coaches are able to even do that to be fair but especially in our society and i do coach within the community and people are afraid of that because i am quite well connected i know people but it's all private and confidential and if i was to mess that up in any particular way then you know if anyone was to hear about their story then that's my business gone that's my reputation and you know i would not be and a lot of my work is through word of mouth and there is trust that even with friendship without being spoken that private confidentiality is there even between the husband and wife you know if they want to share what's been said if they had a session you know separately they can share between them but i would not speak of the other so there's so many rules and regulations which keeps it just purely for the actual desired goal and outcome so the whole process is very different and you know you have to be quite careful how you approach this so you come from a space from a you know a place which is safe and you come from a place which is just you know trying to you know help that person's mind figure things out even more that's all it is and what would you say like if you're generalizing obviously nothing specific what is the most common factor that couples tend to need the the coaching a lot of it especially when it's over five six years of marriage is the fact that they've grown apart because they haven't maintained certain things you know due to children work whatever it may be and you know it's the same old mindsets with one person or whatever they've tolerated before is become intolerable now and the one that's moved forward with a way of thinking cannot tolerate the other one that's still set with the same old mindset but when i come in and approach that to say look you don't need to change your ways in your values and your beliefs that is strong but if you are a bit more accommodating if you're a bit more you know sort of like you know compromising and understanding the other side and then they realize actually they do need to change their ways as well and that is their choice too like again i only open up these ideas i'm just a catalyst they take it upon themselves when they make their own choices and decisions because i've allowed them the space and the time to listen to their own voice and i reflect back what they say so they actually think about what they say because a lot of things that we say it's just in our minds and even when we speak in it we don't really analyze it but i interrupt that thought when i interrupt that thought process then they actually realize actually you know what he may be right or you know there may be some change not just even for the other person but for me to grow and that one adjustment sort of adjusts all their relationships around them not just for their spouse so there's a knock on effect which is great for everyone and the thing is we have to realize as humans our brain is like a computer and it's like our phones we need updating a lot and rebooting but we don't look at it like that even with our religion having those set rules for generations that's why i'm bringing in today's psychology to say we can bring it and make it current and we need to bring those old values which are strong and more vital in this day and age now that still needs you know to be practiced and when you reboot your system your brain your wiring your way of thinking consistently and constantly and learn to grow then you can catch up and you can you know develop and even the love is not the same it'll grow differently because you know we have to understand when we grow older we're learning more we're changing and you're going to understand that just as boys when they're growing up um they change with their psychology and the way in which they view life as men when they reach 30s to 40 some of them do even have midlife crisis they do haven't come to a crossroads where they feel you know i've been in this relationship for so long or i've done certain things for so long and i want something different i want something new and it's not necessarily the other partner but that's the easiest object of someone to blame so they're going through these differences in their minds because of their stages as well and the woman needs to understand that so you know i bring it from both sides and even women themselves go through whatever they need to because of even just the fact that you know they've had children or you know they've come to a certain stage and age in their life where you know certain things that weren't meaningful or has you know importance or substance now has that right okay so you know all these things need to be addressed and we think it's just like the surface things that we complain about but it actually comes from inside and our psychology right and would you say that now the roles have reversed and obviously there's equal roles within the home between the husband and the wife and women pretty much can do everything and anything work study look after the children cook clean that then the husband can feel a sense of not worthless but not needed that could be true if you look at it in that way again it's all perception because you know as humans we have a natural need to want to connect with someone to feel like as if you know there is someone that even if they're not giving us like you know the financial support or you know emotional support because we're strong you know independent women we you know able to look after ourselves financially we're able to you know control our emotions better you know we're stronger as individuals because we're able to do that in today's society but regardless even the most strong prominent women that are out there you know with the best professions and whatever may be the best circle of friends and whatever it may be but we need someone to just you know have our back in a sense that you know there's someone to lean on someone to say you know why it's fine you're gonna be okay today if you had a bad day or just a friend to laugh with and what better way to have that with someone that you're sharing you know your life with and you can actually be yourself without being judged and you can be open and honest and clear and you know we do need relationships but that's the thing if you think that oh I've got it all I've got the work I've got you know I can support myself and you know I can look after my kids and I can do more than a man again you know the attitude needs to change you know lower yourself in that way be humble appreciate your spouse contributions and he should also appreciate yeah and it's not even about even having that appreciation for that sense it's it's nothing wrong in having that companionship you know needed or not it's healthy for you if you actually have it use it in a good way you know and you know have that separation and that distance and don't always feel that you have to always do things together they have their friendships outside you know the home allow that there should be freedom in a relationship as well don't forget that don't just think that because you're married it should only be you and the family and you know husbands and wives shouldn't be you know mixed with their friends or they shouldn't be doing certain things as long as it's within the boundaries and respect of Islam it's not even about just you it's you again you need to know your religion well and you know basically live it well so that the other person is not going to be worried because they know you follow a particular way it's not about just pleasing the other spouse it's pleasing Allah first and foremost and if you have that between you too you can move freely and you can come down and even if the other one is not to the same level as you with their iman or their practice of religion that's not down to you to judge and put them down and also force them you remind them nicely and politely because a lot of maybe wives are more religious than their husbands and they're not doing the particular thing and you know you don't want to parent the other spouse it's very important that's the other thing you know men or women or especially women can come to cross when they're mothers then they don't just parent their children they parent their husbands instead of speaking to them with another ego state we have these ego states in um coaching that we learn in transactional analysis which is the adult the parent and the child ego state and remember to use the adult ego state when you are talking to each other and you're not just being you know telling them well I you know you came home and you didn't you know take out the bins and this and the other you know it's a way in which you speak and like not like how you would speak to your to your son or daughter and that alone that conversation that way of you have that conversation makes a huge difference and we each grow and develop over time where there are five love languages um there's a book about it and we all appreciate and want love and give love according to how we you know see love it's different there's you know I don't know some of us want to be told that we're loved other people want signs of affection by doing stuff some of us want gifts you know all of these different things come in play and it's different and you think oh well he's not giving me time and then he doesn't love you but he's like well I'm providing for her I'm there for her when she needs her car fixed and you know that's his version of love so you gotta understand each other and it changes it does change so there's a lot of things that you know when you come to couples coaching you'll be made aware of and that would actually help you to understand each other and be more accepting be more merciful towards each other and actually you can keep that going and quickly I also want to mention there are strategies about you know being good you know with your spouse is to listen to them without wanting to respond so much but listening to understand and that's a trait as a coach you know spending that quality time being open and honest and you know not and not trying to be so much in a routine because we get bored we get lazy and we do the same thing again and you expect the same results you have to be different you really have to be different thank you so much for your insight on that subject for Hema and I hope our dear viewers have benefited from the discussion we've had today unfortunately we do need to go to a break and we will be coming back and answering some of the dear viewers questions assalamu alaikum assalamu alaikum and welcome back to the second part of making a house a home where we've been discussing how to maintain good relationships with our spouse now we're going to answer a few questions from our dear viewers thank you Femme if you could answer these for us and the first viewer Sir Judd is asking how can you maintain constant connection when over years couples do drift apart like I said it's very normal to do that but you've got to keep reconnecting and again we've got to understand where is that coming from I mean I know the first half of the show I spoke a lot but there's so much I didn't say because when you actually analyze the psychology of you know the way in which we think and believe it's not even about the other person and we're constantly first thing we do is blame the other one but when you look at ourselves like for example there's a very good way of we think oh communication is just speech and talk and language but no communication is a reflection of our internal world and there's two specific sort of like you know how we project ourselves in relationships and one is called our buttons which is in relationship coaching and I'll explain that basically it's our unresolved issues that we have and we carry from our past and normally our buttons are pushed when we uh overreact to a current situation and we stress um that you know we will we will we sort of respond strongly so these are our buttons that are from our past so when we actually thinking that there's something else wrong with the partner we got to assess where is that coming from and then there's the shadows which is actually representing our own patterns and shortcomings so when we see what we don't like in ourselves but we don't recognize it but we see it with someone else then it presses us do you understand it's the same thing and if you just know it in that way but you will never be able to know this information unless you come to a session with me and not necessarily but you know if you do some sort of psychology you know background information as to how we are and it really does even not just in a relationship but obviously we're discussing spouses here but that can really make it difference because before you address the other person say oh but you like this and you're like that and I don't like this say why do I don't like it does it really you know irritate me and adjust me you know uh you know uh basically uh hurt me or annoy me or whatever it is because it's something that either we do or something from our past that we've experienced so a lot of these things are so vital in the way in which we communicate and see each other the whole idea in problems in a relationship is how we look at each other before we see ourselves and we're judging the other one and we say it's not in relation to the way we are right now first see yourself how are we right now are we being the better spouse are we giving what they require for her or him do we ever do that when there's an issue that doesn't even cross our minds is the other person that's wrong and that's it and they got to come to our way now when you sit in the coaching session with me all is this addressed and you will address the problems that are faced and not to say that those problems don't exist of course they do on the other side but it will be done in a healthy way where you both can grow and evolve and everyone needs transformation and it's so powerful it's so powerful and already I can see the smile on your face just by that thought you already can see that actually you know what you know this can be worked out this can be seen in a different way and we've got a chance here you don't ever think of it like that but when you break it down in that way it's just starts to the clock starts to tick in your mind being I've never actually thought of it in that way exactly so really coaching and in that manner is is very beneficial very very vital prevent separation divorce then it's well worth it absolutely absolutely thank you so much for that and inshallah the dear viewer can benefit from your insight on the topic now our second viewer is Sundas and the question she's asking is my husband is always busy either long hours at work with his friend or at the gym so we do not spend much time together and I do understand he has a stressful sorry stressful job and needs to unwind but how can I fit into his schedule now well saying how do I fit in for me I will I will sort of like query that because no one needs to fit in we need to be inviting and we need to be you know attracting the other side even if they're very busy don't hold back sit there waiting how about your own life and do what you need to do at one point you need to be smart and be inviting in that way don't ever let anyone whoever they are to actually push you or put place you in a position where you're feeling negative if they don't you know see your company as something that they want you show them what is it that they're missing in various ways and I have many strategies and techniques for that and secondly you have to be the kind of person that even if it bothers you you don't address it like it's a complaint and she's very understanding from what I've heard but obviously it's coming to that point where if you're not going to address it with him because sometimes you know um whether it's men or women if they're very busy they sometimes just forget the other person if they're not going to express it to them and you know and then also surprise them and say you know what you've been working you've been busy and I know you've had time with your friends but you know I want to treat you don't make it like oh I need you and you need to give time to me because the way in which you also address that the other person feels like okay now I've got to give time to you but when you're saying it in a different way like I'm actually going to be treating you it's my turn to you know enjoy your time with me right or for you to enjoy your time with me make yourself stand out you know don't make it like oh I need some time as well and I need to fit into your schedule and that alone you know brings you into a level where you are below you always need to be equal with each other and if they don't see it you show them that and there's various techniques and ways of doing that and it's the way in which you see yourself you become kind of needy and weak isn't it you're putting yourself into that position and to be fair who wants to spend time with that and you want them to spend time with you out of choice exactly you know that's the thing with relationships you know people feel that you know I have to make sure I check my husband's phone or I have to make sure that I tell my wife how to dress and I have to do certain things you know and that's going to make this relationship work when you have freedom with each other when you have that respect for one another then all these things don't these petty things don't matter because you each will have a level of intellect that you will actually have respect for each other to do it for yourselves and compliment each other without having those you know extreme sort of like um I don't know dictations of how one should be because a lot of the times these couples you know in order to hold that relationship together they feel we have to tell them what to do yes if you're asking for advice or some sort of like you know information about how you like certain things fine you can accommodate but when they start being a certain way that's not them and they can't fall into a particular way then that's not healthy either because that cannot be maintained over years and that's when resentment builds and then you take it out on some small incident and it's because it's that past thing that you did not address at that time you got to address things as and when they are but in a very clever way not because of need not because you feel you know there's a certain thing that you require you got to be smart about how you address things so that you feel that you're not spending time with me you're not giving me that attention what am I doing that's drawing you away or am I reading it in a way that you're just busy and you're just I'm not making myself you know in front of you make yourself busy that's what I said at the beginning you have to also have your own life so that you don't even notice the fact that he's not there exactly and then eventually he'll be like you're not at home when I'm coming you're going out towards you exactly and it's not about all trying to you know you know again you know try be beating each other with regards to each one having an individuality and individual lives so that when they come together and they talk they can actually have something to talk about which is interesting and they it's different to each other that's what it is because one person usually from what my experience is you know is relying this you know insecurity within one person that's why they have the need for the other person to be more and they notice the differences that are not there and then there's you know there's a codependency in relationships as well especially when they get married young that you know a lot of the times at the beginning you know maybe the husband did a lot or the wives did a lot and then over time it's like they get fed up of doing that kind of do for yourself now and it's like you know and because they're just carrying on in the same routine and they're not taking away the responsibility for themselves you know what you don't need to do this to me I can handle it I can do this you know you don't need to do this anymore I can do this and then they'll be like okay you know you've taken away some things from me that I don't need to do anymore and you'll you've been more responsible and we are growing as individuals but we still can come together maybe make a schedule I'm quite organized so I like I like visual aids and I like schedules obviously your adults isn't this different with children but make a time for once a week where you do a common hobby together even if it's movie night on a Saturday night or Friday night would you say that would help if you have a time the same thing same time same day of the week that you set that hour or two hours to having time with one another you know I work it's very differently and I see things very differently to most people and that's what makes me the brand that I am with the coach that I am and what you're saying is absolutely correct and it can work for most couples when they set just a schedule and a routine but I'm looking a little bit deeper and I'm saying I don't want to be part of my husband's schedule right again I want him to choose me randomly and actually that will be more often than that one date that he has with me over that weekend you know what I'm trying to say so if you create a certain way of being whether it's that one week or even if it's after two weeks but more likely in that particular way it could be every other day that he's running home to you and is wanting your company and he's only saying I'm coming home now you know what's cooking for dinner because he wants to be with you you have to be a particular way without saying oh you didn't have this date and then when you're in that date that whole feeling is there thinking that okay I'm stuck with her now I'm giving her a space where can I leave yeah it becomes like to tolerate and the toleration of where we need to be individuals where there's that work and especially with our spouse we need to be able to get away they're going to want to keep coming to you because they see something attractive more than just this it's the way in which you are that's inviting and that comes in so many forms so yes set your schedules for your children set your schedules and say yes you're gonna you know do your work and you get a sweep it's like teaching them you do your work regardless because that's what's needed same with your husband and wife you're gonna come to me regardless because it's me that you want because of whom I am and what I bring is like none other and no other so it's not for the reward it's for the fact that they need to do it because they have to do it they do it because they choose to do it and they want it and they yearn for it and they miss it when they don't have it whatever it may be your company your chatter your anything you have to be that person first people don't see it like that and they use losing sight of these things we all become schedules nowadays we can easily fit each other in but even in that quality time that's when it becomes dry yeah I've spent time with my family I've had a couple say I went out went out for a day I still feel the same okay so you got the time there you're spending it but what's there there's no substance doesn't it benefit to have the substance within yourself okay now that is powerful you won't just attract your husband to be in your company you'll attract your mom your sister your colleagues your friends they're all going to be calling you and you're gonna have to like now then you'll need to schedule us to which one of those that's the difference yeah that's a really good way of seeing it looking deeper into it and not just from the surface and shall I hopefully that helps our dear sister with that issue and our next viewer is Lana and she says my husband gets annoyed and angry very quickly so I even try to manage the kids by myself because he gets irritated by the noise when playing so I feel a lot of pressure on me the main issue is trying to get him to be calm and to enjoy the family rather than be distant there's so many things within that statement that I like to get into but again even when I'm speaking I'm just as you're reading it I'm thinking you know what I'm saying is so surface really because when you're sitting in sessions and it's a week after week that I coach clients over months and they have sessions are in doubt with so many different issues that they didn't even think they had whether it's they work their you know relationship their children whatever it may be it takes time and you've got to go through whatever first of all they're feeling is it really correct are they seeing it in the right way you know that anger is it really anger or is it frustration is it coming from you it's coming from work it's coming from the kids you know it's the environment that you're sitting in the house you know comfortable enough for both of you to actually you know not have that maybe if you want to organize in your house I'm just guessing here you know when the kids come home you know everything's organized so when the dad comes home for example you know everything's in place so that you know there's no need for that anger there's no need for you to feel like you're you know walking on eggshells or tiptoeing around somebody I don't know it's it seems like there's been coaching really to go deep into these matters as to what's just been said and it does take time to take each statement and really you know go deep into it and you need to know the schedule as to what's happening around outside and inside if they have anger issues then yeah that's a separate issue do they even understand that they have those issues are you looking at his frustration on you as anger or is it really anger you know there's so many things within that sort of statement that I would like to address but again you can still learn from it to sort of make yourself aware that firstly you don't need to tiptoe around anyone there has to be understanding and respect from both couples whether they're working or not at home you know the children need to play the husband that works hard needs to come home and also understand that the kids are going to be kids for example you know the wives also tired at home or if they're working and they come back a little bit earlier they've also done a whole day's work so it's not just you know managing you know yourself and thinking that I have to be the one again you need to communicate this you've got to understand you know what's going on does he know what you're feeling does he know the impact that it has on the children you know are you seeing it rightly you know you've got to look at it I look at it from all perspectives you've got to take yourself out of the situation and analyze it yourself and how you look at it how someone else looks at it how you know a stranger will look at it and that's how it works actually this came up with now made me thinking of scenario which I do it's called you be me or the three chair perception so when couples or any scenario comes you basically sit down on a chair and be you and you have an issue with your husband and your husband's there he's not necessarily there but you pretend he's there and you address your issue and I'm there's a coach three chairs right so you as my client will sit express yourself then you sit on that chair and you become the husband and you respond you put yourself literally in their space and you respond like how you would like you say what you're saying and then you go and sit there and you become the husband and you respond as to how he would and then I will observe and I will sort of say and you also can say but what do you think someone else will say you sit on the third chair and I will observe you know when you take yourself out of yourself and you see it then sometimes you laugh at yourself thinking you know what he says this to me and I get angry but actually he's just being yourself for example or you know what actually what he's saying is really rude and I need to address it because it really hurts me whatever it may be you're figuring out for yourself because you bring yourself to someone else's shoes again you're not being a victim and you're not blaming anyone else that's what it is we do not blame victim here we need to get out of that role of playing victim even if we are we need to fight against it take responsibility see someone else's point of view and even an outsider's point of view and then you come to a conclusion and when you sit in these coaching sessions it is so much fun at the same time you solve so many issues and you learn so many different techniques because even while you're sitting in the office and you're there with a colleague and you just get irritated with her and then you can actually do this in your mind and say we can't save this she's saved that and you can play it out in your mind and you can role play what that conversation can be and you being the other person as to how they're going to be might be final whatever to begin with but it actually gives you an understanding you either accept them you address it you tolerate it or you know whatever it may be there's so many things that then you take steps out of that as to how to deal with it that's really good sounds like an interesting way of doing it would it work with children as well of course it does absolutely with children because they come across with one perspective a lot of the time I mean even as adults we do but that three checks that you know perception perspective really does work it's so simple but with a coach you'll be able to manage it and I will there highlight whatever you're doing or even you know hope you see things that you didn't see or you know whatever it may be but it really is powerful and I think in couples relationships and coaching this can bring out a whole new level of actually being with each other you know accepting the differences and actually you know going forward in life which is going to be a lot more healthier without breakups without separation we've got to change ourselves first though we really need to add coaching needs to be in every household thank you so much for that that was an eye opener really I've never heard of that so that's that's fantastic thank you so much hopefully our viewers can benefit from that and uh inshallah benefit from perhaps going into coaching herself um now we have uh our last viewer Annie and uh the question he says I have a good relationship with my wife however she gets very emotional very easy and also sensitive and defensive at times just by my simple questions at the end of the day when I'm home from work and we both work how do I manage this because now I feel I cannot say much or hold back a lot because she will not be able to handle it and get those extreme feelings extreme feelings again and it really destroys the atmosphere and can last for hours or even days that again is another complicated one because if she's feeling insecure and when you're defensive that's when insecurities come in or there's certain things that may have happened in the past has led to that way and you know when we are defensive as humans generally there's a deeper meaning for it and she's looking at him in a particular way for her to be responding in that way so he needs to understand how is he approaching her even though he might think he's being helpful is he approaching her in a particular way that's making her feel that she has to be in that way or she's not able to express herself or that anger that rudeness where's it coming from is it recent is it from an incident is it from you know an experience is it something something that's just happened you know there's so many things to be highlighted and I don't need to have both couples there even a lot of the times if couples come to me it could be just the one person and even just that one person's transformation and adjustment can make a difference to that relationship because it's just being you know aware having awareness of somebody else there's so many things that you need to consider again having that different you know perception by sitting on a different chair and taking on the role of someone else and playing them can actually make you realize and see how they might be seeing things but yeah I mean women go through emotions and we do so quite often and you need to understand that you know sometimes it can be so dramatic but actually it's not that much meaning to it so are you meaning too much into it as well but if it actually is holding you back and it's changing your way of being and you being less and less open and comfortable and relaxing whatever you're tolerating like I said you don't need to tolerate you need to address it in various ways and be smart many techniques and strategies but that is your wife you know however long you've been together chosen each other they should be that safety and security knowing you can come to each other and express yourself and you know ask her questions and say look this is not working whatever I'm doing or whatever you're doing can we go together and speak to somebody about this or you know to control the emotions is there something going on with you inside or am I seeing it differently does it really mean what I'm saying because a lot of the times women create our own meaning and we also create a story from one incident and she's like she's coming from work and I'm tired you know and I'm like that every day yes and I'm moving every day because I'm stuck in traffic and it's hot in the train or whatever it may be and you know I just want some five minutes to be in a space before I actually talk to you whereas other people they want to talk straight away and find out what their day is but if you were to understand that for example and give her that space for half an hour or so she can get on with what she needs to freshen up sit down and then you think okay she's actually okay but if you're going to attack them straight away or not attack them but you know come to them straight away and question them so are you okay do you need anything whatever it may be I'm just you know trying to visualize the scenario again it's a lot to do with sitting down and dissecting each aspect that you're concerned with the moods the insecurity the defensiveness you know the fact that you don't feel that you can speak a lot to that spouse what does that say about the relationship so there's a lot of meaning underneath Insha'Allah thank you so much for that unfortunately we didn't have to come to an end again and although the discussion was lovely we could have perhaps always always can talk forever but insha'Allah hopefully that helps our viewers and insha'Allah you benefit from the discussion we've had and hopefully we get to see you again in another episode of making your house a home as salamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh