 Life is better with company and dating sucks. Can we just agree upon that? The challenge these days for those of us in midlife who are actively dating is trying to find that committal man, that man who genuinely wants to commit and wants a life partner. Because the reality is these days when it comes to the dating marketplace, quite frankly, men can have their basic needs met through sex without any commitment. They can get companionship. They can get connection. They can get sex from women with little or no commitment. And today I wanna explore this at a deeper level. Now, before I do, I wanna share something that I received from one of you beautiful ladies out there. This is really important. So stick with me. It's gonna take me about a minute to read, okay? She says, relationships are the only aspect of our lives where we have one position available. We have no practical idea of the non-negotiable qualifications. We put in minimal to no effort, vetting true potentials. And Ed, expect the first person who tells us we're pretty or smart to be our soulmate and perfect fit for that position, scratching my head. She goes on to say, it's weird to me that society has effectively gaslit women into believing that by engaging in the process of vetting potentials over time that that is tantamount to prostitution. I think what she really means is, it's a bad thing to ask good questions in the early stages of dating. She goes on to say, women give away their bodies and power without any investment from potentials because we inherently value being good in the eyes of others. I'll talk about that in a moment. When people tell me I'm being unrealistic and that the worst nightmares will come true, I say so be it. That imagine of a skeleton woman sitting on a park bench alone with the caption, waiting for the perfect man. I believe that there are at least hundreds of good men whom I may be compatible with and I'm not settling for the first guy to come along because I'm unwilling to say, no thank you next while vetting thousands. My numbers are exaggerated to make a point. I'm not looking for perfection. I'm dodging trauma bullets. We're gonna talk about that in a second. I need only one after the previous failed attempts and not one of them were psychotic. Just not able to overcome critical obstacles as couples. Have I gone, have I had one user? But hey, nobody bats a thousand. I refuse to be fear mongered into settling. No, I think people settle because deep down they either don't believe good people exist or they don't believe they are worthy. Wow, that was a mouthful and thank you for sticking with me. I'm not the best at reading out loud. So with that said, she said so many nuggets in there that relates to the challenges with dating today because as I started this conversation, many men can get their need for companionship, connection and sex filled without any real commitment. So today I'm gonna share with you something I call my dating vows. And the idea with the dating vows is just like with the wedding vows. A vow is an agreement between two people. A vow is making a declaration to another person. And yet today's dating practice is very cavalier and unintentional like she shared. She also went on to talk about trauma bonding and we'll definitely dig into that a little bit later because we oftentimes put romance ahead of the vetting process. In other words, there's this grand expectation from many women, mostly the entitled type of woman. Mostly that woman who has a sense of entitlement versus there's another type of woman who operates from a place of doormat not in their power, they give their power away to men. But that entitled woman has this expectation of romance as a way of wooing her. And sure for men, romance is a very effective tool to get companionship, connection and sex but it does not guarantee that that man will commit to you. So what's gonna shift the narrative is actually you doing a better job of asking deeper questions in the early stages of dating. Now Jay Shetty says it takes about a 40 hours of face-to-face time just to begin to get to know a person. 40 hours, I want you to think about that. So if you collectively see a man twice a week for four hours at a time, that's eight hours in a week takes about five weeks to get to know him. These days a man can get laid by the third date relatively easily. I'm sorry to say this. And by the way, here's the deal, ladies. I'm not here to judge sex when you have sex. I'm not suggesting that. I'm only saying if you have experienced men who come on strong, give romance, promise the moon only to after having sex with you say I'm not ready for a relationship, well then you might want to think about this before being physical and maybe using this tool called the dating vows. Now the dating vows as I said a moment ago is an agreement between two people to do the following and I want to share it with you. And by the way, if you see this link right here jonathanasley.com forward slash dating vows you can get a copy of what I'm about to share. Also in the show notes, you can click a link to get a copy of my dating vows, okay? So have you ever heard the phrase the saying women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment? Think about that. Men are the ones that do asking for marriage, okay? They're the ones that ask you for your hand in marriage. So they're asking for the commitment. Men also asking sex, okay? Which oftentimes women these days give way before you ever get into a relationship with someone. So the first vow in the dating vows is by the way, you both recite this to each other and it's the first it says I, whatever your name is. So we'll say Jonathan, agree to explore the process of getting to know you with the intent to declare something serious in the next three to six months, okay? Now serious is a relative term, okay? But the reality is, is these days, you know, most people are dating from a very superficial level, a very casual level. They're asking very simplistic questions, things like, and in many cases, people are communicating through their phones and not face to face and things like, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. It's kind of funny, I mocked this repeatedly in my videos and yet so many of you say to me the exact same thing. The number one thing men say, how was your day going? Like that's real intimacy. Folks, if you're not familiar with the book Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend checking out a copy of this book so you can actually learn what true intimacy is. Intimacy, into me you see deeper questions. That's why these dating vows is an opportunity to explore where your headspace is between two people and is their headspace desiring of a serious commitment or is their headspace, I just wanna take things slow. Okay, guess what ladies, when a man says I wanna take it slow, just let him know that your vagina doesn't get to open up until he actually knows what he wants. Please forgive if I'm offending any of you by this. I would hope that you forgive me but I'm illustrating a point. Okay, the second bell. I, Jonathan, agree to be monogamous sexually while we're having regular sex together. Folks, I'm old school, I don't wanna catch cooties with someone, I prefer monogamy. Okay, I prefer that if we are going to have regular sex together that we agree that we're not going to have sex with other people. This is why I'm not a big proponent of duty dating or casual dating or circular dating or what's the new one called, I forgot it off the top of my head. I'm not a big proponent of that because if you're going to explore getting to know a person, you've made the first agreement, then you shouldn't be, you shouldn't, at least again, this is a judgment on my part. You shouldn't be trying to get to know other people at the same time. And yet many of you are coached on dating multiple people at the same time. I'm here to say, if you're beginning a physical experience with someone and you agree to monogamy, there's no need to be doing that because the second, the third bell is I agree not to actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process, which includes taking my dating profile if we met through an online connection. You know, these are simple agreements you're asking for someone. You're asking for monogamy. You're asking for exclusivity. But Jonathan, they're going to say that the label of boyfriend and girlfriend is attached. Well, yeah, if you're having regular sex with someone, you should have the label of boyfriend and girlfriend. You should know whether or not this is an exploration of something serious or something casual. The reality is, is these days with online dating, it is so easy to hook up. It's not dating anymore. It's hooking up. Actually, I call it friends with benefits but you're not aware that you're in that category. Many of you are experiencing hookups and you're unbeknownst to you that that's what he's doing and you're thinking you're exploring something more tangible. Now, the fourth piece in the dating vows, this is the agreement that says, I seek to speak, I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus pulling back, ghosting or disappearing. This is the integrity piece. Are you the type of man or woman to actually speak up if this isn't working for you? Or are you going to play the passive role of pulling back, ghosting or disappearing? Now, this gets tricky because sometimes a person might need a day or two to reflect on how they feel about someone, especially after they've been intimate and men do tend to pull back a little bit when this happens, that evaluation period but I'm talking about disengaging and communication, disengaging and asking for dates and then ultimately just disengaging completely without any real conversation. The reality is, is these days, many people are sleeping together without any real what I call energetic connection with one another. They might be experiencing lust, they might be experiencing limerence and limerence is extreme infatuation but that energetic connection is this unique intangible. You've experienced it, I know I have. I've met some women who I liked and I felt a certain connection with them. And yet, and I've been physical with them as well. And yet something was missing. Energetic connection is an intangible. I oftentimes think of chemistry as that physical attraction towards someone and we feel that sensation within inside of ourselves. Sometimes anxiety can be perceived as chemistry. Okay, let me put a thumbnail there for a second. Anxiety, that butterflies in your stomach, that anxiety you feel, many of you believe that is chemistry when it's actually unhealed wounds and traumas that effectively might make you feel like this person is the one when it's actually a part of you that needs healing. And if you're not familiar with the work of Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, I highly recommend reading the book, Getting the Love You Want. So you can understand something known as the Amago. I am A-G-O. Oftentimes that butterfly or that sense of connection is really a projection of your childhood wounds with someone. So how's that coming back to the ghosting disappearing and whatnot? This is an agreement, coming back to that, I went off on a tangent, coming back to this, folks, this is an agreement that you're gonna act like a grownup if something happens where you don't feel that energetic connection with someone. And let me just say this, most men know, I once called it the 10 date rule. When a man has had 10 dates with you, he's the man who is what I call a grower and builder. He's the one who genuinely wants a life partner in his life, these growers and builders. They know by the 10 date for certain that you are the one they wanna explore. And let me just say this, these men do everything to assure you that they want a serious relationship with you. And what I mean to say is when you're with that kind of man, you've had 10 dates, you're not second guessing the relationship, men who are growers and builders. Now, sadly, the vast majority of men or women are users and spenders. That's why this reader that wrote that comment, she's users are those people that they're in it for their own needs and spenders are those uncommittal people, those emotionally dysfunctional men and women who have poor relationship skills, represents between users and spenders represents about 80% of the population. So what, but guess what? There's a 20% out there. They're actually on their way to being a grower builder. They are a grower builder. There are good men out there. In fact, I invite you to begin saying, it's raining good men. It's raining good men. It's raining good men versus EOR. There's no good men out there. All men are users. All men have issues. Folks, EOR is no fun to date. I've gone out with many of you EORs out there. By the way, it's no fun to date the men who are EORs. Okay, so last but not least, the final vow. I agree to and I, Jonathan, agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like this. We spend three or four days and nights a week together. Actually you can make it two or three or four days and nights a week together, doing shared activities and hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That is my agreement to you. And here's the deal. 90% of men will bail on this because thousands of women will have sex without any commitment or agreement. Ladies, if you all band together and began reciting the dating vows, you will eliminate a big chunk of those men. But in the meantime, well, let me just say this. If you all band together and stated these vows, men will shift their perspective, but since that won't happen, why not try this for yourself and see how this works for you? Now, this is merely an opinion. I am not here to state this is a fact. This is just a suggestion on your part. But as you've heard me say over and over and over again, ladies, in fact, there's a coffee mug that one of you beautiful ladies made out there. And I'll read it to you. It says, now, ladies, what do I always tell you before the penis goes inside the vagina? Read the book, Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. But I'm here to suggest reading the dating vows. And there's a link right here. There's a link in the description note. And as soon as this video is over, I'll post it in the first comment. If you'd like to get a copy of this, just simply click the link right there and you'll get a copy of it. Why is this so critically important? Because, oh, and let me just say something. I have a client who just reached out to me. She said, Jonathan, I've read the dating vows with the man who I just began dating. We've had five dates and he said, oh my God, wow. I really appreciate this thought provoking conversation. The women who are utilizing the work that I teach in my private coaching, this way of vetting men. By the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. It is actually, one woman wrote to me, said, Jonathan, he really appreciates the fact that I'm asking deeper questions in the early stages using the work I've had with you. And he goes, wow. I've never experienced a woman like this. Ladies, if you wanna set yourself apart from the average woman, you stand in your power because many of you are giving your power away to men. You don't operate from a place of self-respect, self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, and more importantly, self-love, which is all of those things put together. And this is a copy of my book, What the Heck is Self-Love? Anyway, a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, there's a link below to get a copy of my book. Why? Ladies, you give your power away to men all too often by making the relationship on his terms and you abandon your standards. You're afraid to speak your truth with him. That's one of the chapters in my book. When the relationship ends, it's all about him, it's about him, it's about him. You think he's the only person on the planet you will ever have this kind of chemistry with. You're always waiting for him to initiate contact. Feeling like you can't live without him. And many of you are gaslighting yourselves by arguing for your own limitations with respects to him. Folks, when you are in your own self-worth, it is all about your self-love, not about what he did. It's reflecting inward and saying, how did I miss these clues? How did I play a role in this ending of the relationship? And by the way, you could be with a jackass or jerk. I get that. And then ask yourself why you might accept that behavior and why would you even want someone who treats you like an asshole or a jerk? All right, I covered a lot in this today. I hope you found value in my dating vows. Again, get a copy of it by clicking jonathanasley.com forward slash dating vows, all one word. And tell me how it works for you. Send me messages. I'd like to hear how it works for you. All right, if you found value in this, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. And again, in the show notes are links to a discovery call with me are how to join my VIP group for less than $20 a month. Join, follow me on Instagram. Get a copy of the books I recommend. And again, a copy of the dating vows as well. All right, we're gonna take questions from the group. If you have a question for me, write the word question then post the question thereafter. Or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat. All, there's a little dollar sign in the chat box. And if you're using, if you're watching the replay, there's a super thanks. All of the monies from the super sticker super thanks goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's him right there. He's my son who passed away almost five years ago and his honor I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process and Insight Institute. And this morning, one of you sweet ladies just sent $150 to the scholarship fund. So I wanna thank you from the bottom of my heart. Okay, with that said, let's take questions. Natural says, what book is the book you recommend? This book is called Eight Dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman. Again, there's a link below under Jonathan recommend books in the show notes of this video or podcast. Okay, Eight Dates. Okay, Janie says, thank you for the dating vows. You're very welcome. I saw a question earlier. Bear with me, everyone. Here we go. Question, is I only come to see your hot body a compliment or bread crimming guy? Guy told me that after meeting him after a month of talking on the phone I felt no chemistry and that ticked me off. Well, look it, that's his flirting technique not necessarily the best one. That's his flirting technique. I only came to see your hot body. It's kind of an insult. You know, if you think about it, meeting organically meeting a stranger organically was purely based on looks. Think about that. When you met someone at the grocery store when a man approached you it was based only on your physical appearance. He didn't know if you were, you know, Mother Teresa or I'm just gonna throw amber herd under the bus poor gal. Maybe it's not fair. But someone who was either bore, you know had some real clinical issues. Okay, it's all based on looks. So he's leading with looks but it seems like it turned you off anyway. So I'm not sure there's a real question there but thank you for posting that wand. I really appreciate it. Let's keep swimming here. Jaheem says, it's raining good men. Yes, operate from a place of it's raining good men. Let's keep going here. Does power mean pussy? Every LOL, every time he says that, sorry that's what comes to mind. No, I'm talking, you know when I say penis into the vagina I'm talking about sex. Power is your ability to operate. Listen, many of us are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. And while I'm not promoting absolute independence in one's life, when I say retaining one's power because on some level we are dependent upon each other and certainly for that companionship, that connection that physical intimacy and certainly within that expressing appreciation to some degree that is needed when you are completely dependent upon it for you to feel good about yourself that is giving your power away to another human being. It is imperative to learn how to self-regulate to self-regulate our own emotions and that we can fill our own love cup on our own. So anyways, thanks for that one, S1. I really appreciate SW1. All right, let's keep going. Patricia writes question. Hi, Jonathan. I had a guy that is a Facebook friend of mine. I've only known on Facebook and yesterday he started off about wanting to have sex. I told him, no, I'm not into that right away. He cut me off, yes. Well, that doesn't sound like a question, but thank you for sharing that. I really appreciate it, okay? Okay, let's keep swimming. Question, what are your fees for coaching? I live on Social Security Tired, so living on a budget. By the way, Paula, in the show notes here, there's a link to schedule a discovery call with me and then there's my group called Midlife Love Mastery for only $7 for the first two weeks and 1997 a month. You can interact with a group of women, including myself, and I'll share with you there. That fits within your budget to start and we can talk from there about working with a coach. Thank you so much. Hey, Janie, I wanna thank you for the $9.99 super sticker. I really appreciate it. Natural rights question. How can I and my girlfriend heal from dating two emotionally immature guys? So, you know what? I wanna recommend a book. Let's hope I can find it. Here it is. I highly recommend reading the book, Return to Love by Marianne Williamson. This is a great book to connect with self. I love this book. The minute, I mean, I couldn't put it down. It is a great book and this is a great starting point. I would certainly also do the work of the Hoffman process, the Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing, child and wounds and traumas. So I would definitely check that out as well. So thank you so much for that question. Question, I met him in the park. He didn't ask for my number. If I see him again, can I ask him? Absolutely, you can ask him. You can always ask. Why the, let's, okay. See, we have this such this traditional narrative that men do make all the effort. Listen, us midlife men, we're just as scared as many of you. So maybe he feared you didn't like him. Anything could have happened. So yes, you can ask and then see what happens. Getting to know another person is about building trust and making mutual effort. By the way, I highly recommend reading the book. Where is it? If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated. This is a, I love this book because it throws out the bullshit gender rhetoric that we've been socialized. And let me just say everything we've learned about relationships is wrong. Read the books I recommend so you can actually heal from the inside out. And this is a great book to step into your empowerment. So Tamara, yes, you can call them and read that book as well. Hey, Renee says, Jonathan, it worked for me. Followed your advice for over a year. I'm in a delicious, healthy partnership. My guy and I will be together a year in June. We merged our lives together. See folks, this is a perfect example. Renee, I'm so happy for you. Can I give you a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug? Is that okay? So happy that my advice, in other words, my intentional approach instead of our passive approach, just sit back in your feminine energy and a guy will claim you. That's a very passive way of approaching it instead of standing in your hour and actually doing these vows as a way to establish trust with another human being. So thank you so much for that. I appreciate it. And Tamara says, that's awesome. And Jonah says, that's awesome. All right, thank you. Gloria, I didn't see your question. Can you cut and paste it into a new one? Thank you so much. Renee goes on to say, read the books, do the inner work, even if it's hard and keep positive, you will find a better you and potentially a great partner. Exactly. There are good men out there. I want you to know. Listen, I'm going to a wedding two weeks from today. They met, I believe, on either match.com or okaycupid. And they'd known each other for just about two years before they got engaged and they're getting married about eight months after the engagement. So good men exist. This guy is a great guy. I've coached her. We've known each other for years and she's a great gal. He's a great guy. Good men exist. I will tell you within my circle of friends roughly about 80% of them in the last 10 years have met their partners through an online connection. One did meet at the soccer field with both of them had young or teenage children at the time. But online dating happens to be the number one place people are meeting. It does happen. And good men exist out there. These are women who weren't nitpicky. They weren't nitpicky. Oh my God, so many of you are nitpicky. By the way, men are nitpicky too. I got to tell you, the pickiness is like the death to real connection. And so when you can, that's one of the reasons why I love my sweetheart. She is right there. She has such a beautiful, agreeable personality. I mean, she puts up with some of my crap certainly, but she has such a beautiful, agreeable personality. She's not, it's a lot of times you guys are butting heads. But more importantly, she didn't nitpick that I didn't look like the Photoshop version of myself on the pictures. She didn't nitpick a lot of different things. She said, you know what? You seem like a good man with a good heart. Let's explore this. And like mutually the same. So again, just a judgment on my part or an observation I should say. Patricia goes on in a question. Did I do the right thing to cut him off? He was love bombing me. Listen, I have certainly loved bomb in my life. There's no doubt about it. I've got wrapped up in lust or limerence. We have to differentiate between over the top love bombing versus someone who expresses a genuine unique connection with you, okay? It comes from a, when a man is expressing a unique connection with you, it comes from a very centered place. Many of you can confuse that with love bombing. Love bombing is over the top. It feels, it feels yucky because it's imbalanced. In other words, when two people are energetically connecting with one another, it feels a sense of balance versus those where there's a yuckiness. It's over the top by one person and you're not feeling it and it feels uncomfortable. So just keep that in mind. But yes, probably did make sense to cut them off. Okay, let's see what Wanda writes. Question, what do you call a compliment when first meeting? Okay, that's a good question. You know, I have an acronym in my coaching program called NICE, N-I-C-E, okay? Now first, NICE is whether you can use in the initial stages of communicating, even if you're using a site like Bumble where women initiate, or this is something where after you've met, you can practice this NICE. NICE stands for name. So you use a person's name. Hey, Jonathan, so you start with a name. The I stands for inquisitive. Okay, you ask a question about them. You know, where did you get your watch? Okay, I mean, make it kind of simple. You know, where did you grow up? Well, what type of phone do you use? Ask a question. The C is compliment, compliment. You have great energy. That's a really, it's one of my favorite compliments. You have really great energy. You have great energy from your pictures. You have great energy. And the E stands for excitement, enthusiasm, emotion. You do it with a sense of a smile. And you can even do that with an emoji with a smile. So NICE's name, inquisitive, compliment, emotion or enthusiasm, okay? So Wanda, I hope that helps. And you can do that in any way. And you find those things that are particular to him, those questions and you find what you feel is worthy of a compliment and throw it out there. But I hope mine help. Renee says, congratulations on your beautiful partnership. I love seeing you both. Me too. So, you know, Marie and I met, I'm gonna have, when she does the next video, I'm gonna maybe have her talk about this. About the time I met her, she had her last significant relationship ended about five years ago. And during that time there was COVID and during that time she traveled. And she kind of reached a point right before meeting me where she was gonna give up. She was gonna give up on making the effort to meet someone. She was just gonna go back to travel now that the borders are open or that sort of thing. Now, when I say give up, she wasn't going to overly invest in the process. She was gonna, you know, but she wasn't going to completely turn off her profile. She wasn't gonna make as much effort. Sometimes when we take a step backward like what I think she did. And I did the same thing for the few months before I met her. I took the break from overly investing because sometimes you can overly invest in the process and just allow the universe to actually draw someone into you. In fact, in my private coaching, we do an exercise where it's a law of attraction exercise to draw in energetically the partner you seek. So I think my hair is a little floppy. So anyway, just wanted to point that out. By the way, if you want to want it some advice on creating that law of attraction exercise, there's a link below to schedule a call with me. So Renee, thank you so much. And I am grateful to have her in my life. This is one of my members says when a man tells you how much he earns from work, is he expecting me to tell him how much I earn? You know, men oftentimes lead with status because traditionally speaking, men choose women based on looks and women choose men based on status. Is that, are you obligated to do that? I wouldn't do it until you felt a level of trust with another person. I wouldn't volunteer information that you would volunteer to someone who's a total stranger. You can thank him for sharing that for you. And you can, if he asks you the question, just say, is it okay that I, you don't ask permission, but just say, I'll feel more comfortable sharing that when the two of us have built some trust with one another. So thank you so much for that one. Tamara says, love you, Jonathan. I love you right back. Thank you so much. Gloria writes question. Could you recommend when we introduce the dating vows? Is it a date one or after agreeing to be exclusive? Okay, great question. I think before you give your heart to a man, before you give your heart to someone, you better know that you're on the same page, okay? Now, you could do this before sex. And certainly, if you have a propensity to get attached to a man before sex, I highly recommend reading that. Not every woman gets attached to a man. Some women act like a lady, think like a man. They operate from a less attached perspective. And you can have sex with a man and then do this later. I certainly, again, before you give your heart to someone, I would highly recommend having deeper conversations because here's the bottom line. When a man says I want a relationship, your idea might be I'm exploring it for fully committed and he might be thinking, I just wanna have someone to have a good time with and then I will dump you when I'm done having a good time. And they both are a relationship. So my recommendation, make sure you're on the same page before you give your heart or before you have sex together. Great question, Gloria. Thank you so much. Leaf writes down nice, name, inquisitive, compliment, and emotion and enthusiasm. Thank you so much. Desert, desert, desert, right. Desert, desert. You know, I'm a little dyslexic and I actually, there are some words that confuse the hell out of me. When he talks about his ex, does it mean he's not over them? Well, sometimes, well, here's the thing. I ran, I saw my ex-wife this past weekend or this past Monday at a funeral, sadly. You know, I still have love for her, so, but I am certainly not attached to the idea of getting back together. I've been with women who are still talking about their ex and they don't wanna get back together, but there's still some unresolved issues. I suspect there are some unresolved issues with somebody who maybe, certainly someone incessantly talking about their ex, that would be a clue. If they're talking about it in the context of giving information to you, that's certainly a very healthy thing to do. I think it's important to talk about our past relationships in a healthy way, but does that mean they're not over? I'm still, even though I've been divorced now 15, 17 years, I can't even, I don't even remember now how long it's been. I still have love for this person. I still have love for my most significant relationship, but I'm not attached to the idea of getting together with them. You have to read into the energy. Does it feel like a desperate energy or does it feel like just volunteering information energy? That's what I invite you to, they all become your own detective, become your own intuitive, learning to trust your gut. And gut comes from a very calm place. Gut comes from a calm place. Anxiety comes from an agitated place. Fear comes from an agitated place. Intuition, now even again, you can have warning signs, but it's still coming from a calm place. So thank you so much for that question. She goes on to write, when he complains about his ex cheating on him, does it mean he's not over them? Okay. Men who have, okay, so I think there's a big difference. When a man, when a woman is scorned, hell, have no fury like a woman who's scorned, it can be very unhealthy. When a man, I mean, in relationship, because when a woman is scorned, it oftentimes become bitter and jaded. I'm not saying that as a fact, I'm just saying I've noticed that. When a man feels scorned, he oftentimes doesn't, I mean, they both don't trust love anymore. And so when a man feels his, when a woman has ended a relationship with a man, especially if he gave his heart to her, he can oftentimes be very closed off to another significant relationship. I certainly would ask what kind of healing have you done from this betrayal? And if he says, what is healing, you may not want to invest in that man. That's just my two cents on that one anyway. Thank you so much for that question, Deb. All right. Do we have any more questions? If you have a question, write the word question and post the question thereafter. If you have something personal you wanna ask of me, write the word personal question and ask me thereafter. We don't have anything in the chat box and we'll end this video in a few minutes if we don't have something in the chat box. So I invite you to post something really quickly. Folks, listen, there's nothing easy about this dating process. It is, listen, as this woman who wrote, relationships are the only aspect of our lives where we have one potential available position open. Why do you think about that? And quite frankly, just like Esther Perrell says, the quality of our lives is predicated by the quality of our relationships. This is probably the most important decision you'll ever make in your life is who to choose to invest and who to mate with. I really believe that, and by the way, a lot of people in midlife don't want life partners, they just want casual relationships. And it occurs to me as we get older, you know, speaking with my two oldest friends last night, we spent more time talking about our ailments. We did talk about how we wanna travel and whatnot, but at the same time, the real challenge is finding someone to grow old with or grow young with, if you will, to grow with who will actually be there for you during the tough times, because real love isn't all the joyous times. Real love is wiping the vomit off a person's face because they're going through chemotherapy. That is real love. Real love is, I'm here, you matter, we are important. I've got your back, I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. That is real love to me. And so when people say the words I love you, are they coming from that sincere place? Or is it coming from a dependent place? Is it coming from a exaggerated place? Like romance is an exaggeration. I believe romance should be reserved for two people in relationship, not as a way to get into a relationship. And I know this will tick many of you women off, but I will tell you the women it ticks off are the entitled women who expect that as a way to give their heart to a man. Two people who genuinely share from a vulnerable, authentic, transparent place build real intimacy with one another. Romance doesn't build intimacy. Vulnerability, authenticity and transparency builds intimacy. Okay, I was trying to keep the live stream going until we got a question. Renee says, I love the explanation of real love. Thank you so much. Gloria writes the question. Is there a background check site you recommend we use that's more trustworthy with accurate up-to-date information? You know, folks, I'll be candid with you. I don't know that. I don't know. I invite you to do your own homework. By the way, communicate with the other women in this chat box. Join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. There's a link below where you can start getting feedback from other people. By the way, can someone answer her question? I don't know the answer. I would Google that, but it can be confusing. So I don't know the answer, but I highly recommend doing your own due diligence. Leif says, that's wise, Jonathan. I think you're talking about what I shared, what real love is. I think Kathy agrees. I love the way you just described love. Appreciate your videos. Thank you so much. You know, yeah, real trust. Trust and commitment. What is trust and commitment? Trust is, trust isn't just about fidelity. Trust is, does this person care about my feelings as much as I care about my own feelings? Does this person have my best interest at heart? Think of how many people, how many women sleep with men where there's almost no trust built. I talk about this because I'm using sex as the barometer for real connection. When you choose to be physically intimate with someone, and folks, I'm here to say, I've been the jerk, many of you have dated. I've been the guy who was an emotional train wreck, not from an intentional place. I was in such a dysfunctional place for so many years, and yet many of you women accepted my dysfunctional behavior. And I'm not proud of it. I'm only here to identify that when a man's life isn't solid, if the ground underneath him isn't solid, we want companionship, we want connection, we want sex, because every human being wants that. The capacity to commit requires building trust. And many of you don't know how to build trust. This is why I recommend book after book after book after book. So you can learn the tools, but Jonathan, it takes too long to read these books, folks. It's not going to be downloaded into your consciousness through fantasy thinking. And let me just say something to you. Most people are good people, but they don't realize that they have wounds that cause them to be unkind to other people because humans, especially here in the United States, are very self-centric. They're very myopic because they haven't done the work to see the bigger picture. But there's actually another human being involved when you make a lot of promises and a lot of innuendos and expectations that don't get fulfilled. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Okay, Sophie writes, question. How long should you wait a woman for you love interest to come and see in your own town if he's in another country? Good luck on that one. I'm going to be blunt. Long distance dating and especially long distance from another country, your success rate is one-tenth of one-tenth of 1%. I highly doubt some man is going to fly out to see you or fly you to see him without some expectation of sex and believe me, once that sex notch on their belt is filled, they usually do that. I don't want to do a long distance relationship. With my sweetheart, we lived 1800 miles away. I was very upfront. I didn't want to do a long distance relationship. Even after I met and I found myself incredibly attracted to her, we actually thought, okay, let's try long distance dating for a little while. And we realized that, and by the way, because our lifestyles were compatible with one another, because we shared the same values and we unpacked our previous relationships through an emotionally grown up way, I realized it was worth investing in this long distance relationship. If you do not have a plan, and by the way, I got to tell you, men will, by the way, he might be talking to 10 women at the same time in his own town or long distance. And by the way, only dependent, people who are absolutely from a dependent place, dependency place might engage in these relationships for a long period of time, only to find out it's completely imbalanced. So I would just caution you. So how long should you wait? You should meet as soon as f-ing possible. That's what I recommend, if you're going to do it. And don't sleep together. Um, let's see. Bop, bop, bop, bop, bop. Someone tell me the explanation of love per Jonathan. I just tuned in. Again, I'll just want to say this. To me, I love you means I'm here. You matter. We're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. I'm here means I'm present. I'm present. I'm not in the past, stuck on the past. I'm not in the future rising. I'm present. You matter. That's saying you matter to me as much as I matter to me. We are important, meaning the relationship is a separate entity. I've got your back. Meaning I'm going to be there for you if there's tough times. I'm not going anywhere. I'm fully committed to this relationship. And I only want you means I only want to have sex with you. I'm here. You matter. We're important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere. And I only want you. Weenie says, why women go out with a married man? I believe women is the enemy of other women. That's probably true. All right. I think this might be the last question of the day. Question, what were your first steps in turning yourself around from being the jerk into the emotionally mature individual today? So great question. So a couple of things. First of all, after my divorce, I began online dating. This was in the 2005, 2007 period. And in one year, I think I had over a hundred internet dates. Yeah. I mean, one after twice a week I was going out on dates. A short lived relationship in there. So sometimes it was three times a week. I'd meet a great gal. We'd have a nice time, but something wasn't right. I meet a gal. We have a great time. Something wasn't right. I meet a gal. We have a great time. Something wasn't right. After a year, I realized, you know, the common denominator was me. So the movie, The Secret came out and it remind me of the work I did 20 years prior or 15 years prior before meeting my ex-wife was a book I read called You Can Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. Do I have that book? I don't have that book handy. You can hear. So this was when I went on a journey of metaphysics before meeting my wife, The Movie, The Secret brought me back into this. So, and I started to hang out with people in the personal development world. This was around 2007. I was still a huge mess. I was a train wreck in my life. Part of that was because, sadly, I lost my quarter million dollar a year job going through a divorce, the contentiousness, dealing with, you know, trying to be a parent at the same time when my life was falling apart. I was a mess. So part of that process was rebuilding my professional life, okay? But dating was my drug of choice. It was my crack cocaine. I was a serial dater. Now, I didn't realize that all that work was going to lead to the profession I'm in, which I'm incredibly grateful for my dysfunctionality because it led me to where I am today. This includes doing therapy. This includes doing the Hoffman process. This includes doing insight seminars. This includes surrounding myself with people to help me really grow from a spiritual perspective. Reading the Course in Miracles helped me, all of these things. In the back of my book, here, in the back of my book, I have a lot of the work that I did here. See, right here, okay? You can heal your life. Creative visualization by Shakti Garani, the movie The Secret, the movie What to Bleep, Return to Love by Marianne Williamson, The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz. Unleash Your Power by Tony Robbins. I went to the Tony Robbins event. Untethered Soul by Michael Singer, Wayne Dyer Videos, Abraham Hicks Videos, The Mankind Project. That was Warrior Weekend in 2007, 2006. The Hoffman process, going to Agape with Reverend Michael Beckwith, Insights Seminars. These are just some of the things I did progressively over the years to help me really become, to heal from my childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that caused me to have negative patterns and limiting beliefs in my life. This was a 10 to 15 year journey. What was the wake up call? So I had a date with a woman. I thought I had a really great time and I messaged her on the dating site the next day. This was back when we typed instead of our phones. And I said, hey, I'd love to see it again. And she said, fuck you. I'm like, what? She didn't actually say that, but that's what she said. She said, you're a real jerk. I said, what? She goes, yeah, you're a real jerk. What turns out, I had gotten alcohol poisoning and I went out to have drinks with a woman that I had no food in my stomach. And it's quite possible I could have even ingested like a roofie or something like that. I don't know what happened, but I acted like a real jerk. And when she shared that with me, I was like a wake up call is to really be present to your actions. And while I quite frankly have no memory of it, in fact, it's kind of ironic. I really didn't have any memory of the date itself. So that's why I believe I had alcohol poisoning. I recognize that if my true self was a jerk, then I really have to do more inner work. That's when I really did a deep dive into personal development, self-help, and spiritual work. But it took a woman calling me out on behavior before I really recognized that if I wanted real love in my life, if I wanted a life mate, then I had to heal within myself. And so I ended up having a six year on and off relationship after that with a therapist. She did a lot of healing for me. I did a lot of healing for her. And then losing Connor, my son I shared with before. I really did a deep dive into what it meant to love. That's why I wrote my book was inspired by the loss of my son, this deep pain to go, how can I show up as a better human being? How can I show up as a loving human being? Because when you're experiencing grief, when you're experiencing loss, it can emotionally devastate you. And I didn't want to suffer because I knew my son wouldn't want me to suffer one day in my life. And that was in 2018. And that's when I did the, I did the Hoffman process right after that. No, right before that I should say, but I did insight seminars right after that and did a lot of work. So that's my journey of how I got to here. So Kathy, I hope that helps. So thank you so much. Ah, John says, wow, you did them all. Thank you so much. Let's see, let's see, wait a minute, where did this go? Gloria says, very good talk today. Thank you, Jonathan. I just joined the group. Yay, Gloria, I'll let you in right away. N.E. says, please put question before your question, Jonathan, so we can see it exactly. Let's see what N.E. said so I can find it. N.E. says, question or she was asking, should I invite him home tonight? I've seen him three times a year and a one-third a year ago. I'm not going to have sex with them, just serve cake. You know, if you feel like you can trust this person, then it's okay to invite them to their home. If you feel like you can trust them, be careful because many of you have a broken picker. You don't do a good job at picking people to trust. So maybe if you don't feel trust yet, you might wanna go to an outside place. Honey, N.E. says, question, what book do you recommend to completely forget someone? What's a good book? Here's a book, too good to leave, too bad to stay. Step by step guide to help you decide whether to stay or get out of your relationship. Or, oh my God, I should have said this right off the bat. I want you to go to the naked divorce or nakedrecovery.com, naked divorce or nakedrecovery.com, okay? Schedule a clarity call with Adele Theron. Adele Theron, mention my name, okay? She'll give you a special discount. I think she's giving $50 off her coaching. Mention my name, I'm gonna put the link up also. Naked divorce, naked recovery, they have a great program. I should have mentioned that before, a great program to help you heal, okay? So thanks so much for that question, N.E., I appreciate it. Leif goes on to say, many of us have a broken picker, exactly, sad but true, okay? Johnna says, good advice, art and soul, inviting him in alone can give him other ideas, exactly. So that's, she's talking to you, art and soul. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Let's see, let's see, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. This'll be probably our last one. Question, should you make a man's with an ex-friend that ended it four years ago? He accused me of following him. I lived in the same direction three years ago, haven't been back in 16 months, I've tried. You know, I'm all in favor of healthy love. And so if you feel an olive branch is necessary and you feel like the person can receive the olive branch and they can reciprocate in an olive branch, then I'd say make that effort. If you don't feel like they could, then you have to ask yourself, what's the benefit for you? Do you need to do it? But I'm all in favor of healthy love and mending fences because it's a sad that we live in a world where you spend time with someone and then they become somebody you used to know. Being at least friendly to have some closure is always a good thing in my book anyway. So thank you, Wanda. All right, this'll be the last one. How do I find out if a man is impotent or has erectile dysfunction before having sex? Okay, if he's over 50 years old, there's a good chance he has a problem with his PP. Folks, I take a blue pill, okay? Most men have this. Now, most men are not impotent, but there are some. But most men over 50 actually have some sort of ED. But by the way, our tongues work. If he's true at giving pleasure, his tongue can work just as good. There are many different ways to feel sexual connection and sexual pleasure beyond the PP, okay? Both of you can do that. So how do you find out about it? Kissing is a good start, you know? And if he feels aroused, that's a good sign when you're kissing one another. That's part of the dating process is to kiss. And maybe physical, you know, what was in that movie? The 40 year old version says, you know, you could do outer course instead of inner course, outer course instead of inner course. So give that a shot. I mean, I'm just gonna read this as we wrap up today. Thanks all, your time and advice is greatly respected and appreciate, Jonathan. I hope you and Marie enjoy your dinner out and this live are able to get quality time together this weekend. She is at a girlfriend's in San Diego. I hope to see her a little bit later this afternoon. And I do wanna take your request leap in consideration folks. I hope you found value in the dating vows. By the way, there's a link right there to get the dating vows. This is your opportunity to ask deeper questions before you give your heart to a man. I hope you found value in this video. If you did, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Check out all the links below. A discovery call with me. My group called Midlife Love Matching, Midlife Mastery. Copies in the book. Follow me on Instagram. You can join here and get a sticker. You can join my membership here. And again, you can purchase a super sticker, super chat to say thank you and donate to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give either them a hug of love. Those hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank Elena and my Midlife Love Mastery member and Wanda and SW and Desert and Leaf and Johanna and Honey and T Davis and Art and Soul and Kathy and Desert Debbie, Desert Debbie, Gloria, Leaf, any, I just keep going. Everyone, thanks so much. Have a fab day. Bye now.