 CHAPTER VI. In these days she was oblivious of him. Who was he to come against her? No, he was not even the Philistine, the giant. He was like Saul proclaiming his own kingship. She laughed in her heart. Who was he proclaiming his kingship? She laughed in her heart with pride. And she had to dance in exaltation beyond him, because he was in the house. She had to dance before her creator in exemption from the man. On a Saturday afternoon, when she had a fire in the bedroom, again she took off her things and danced, lifting her knees and her hands in a slow rhythmic exalting. He was in the house, so her pride was fiercer. She would dance his nullification. She would dance to her unseen lord. She was exalted over him before the lord. She heard him coming up the stairs and she flinched. She stood with the firelight on her ankles and feet, naked in the shadowy late afternoon, fastening up her hair. He was startled. He stood in the doorway, his brows black and lowering. What are you doing? He said gratingly. You'll catch a cold. And she lifted her hands and danced again to annul him. The light glanced on her knees as she made her slow, fine movements down the far side of the room across the firelight. He stood away near the door in blackness of shadow, watching, transfixed, and with slow, heavy movements she swayed backwards and forwards like a full ear of corn, pale in the dusky afternoon, threading before the firelight, dancing his nonexistence, dancing herself to the lord, to exaltation. He watched and his soul burned in him. He turned aside. He could not look, it hurt his eyes. Her fine limbs lifted and lifted, her hair was sticking out all fierce, and her belly big, strange, terrifying, uplifted to the lord. Her face was wrapped in beautiful. She danced, exulting before her lord, and knew no man. It hurt him as he watched, as if he were at the stake. He felt he was being burned alive. The strangeness, the power of her in her dancing, consumed him. He was burned. He could not grasp, he could not understand. He waited, obliterated. Then his eyes became blind to her. He saw her no more. And through the unseeing veil between them he called to her in his jarring voice, What are you doing that for? Go away, she said, let me dance by myself. That isn't dancing, he said harshly. What do you want to do that for? I don't do it for you, she said. You go away. Her strange lifted belly, big with his child, had he no right to be there? He felt his presence of violation, yet he had his right to be there. He went and sat on the bed. She stopped dancing and confronted him, again lifting her slim arms and twisting at her hair. Her nakedness hurt her, opposed to him. I can do as I like in my bedroom, she cried, Why do you interfere with me? And she slipped on a dressing gown and crouched before the fire. He was more at ease, now she was covered up. The vision of her tormented him all the days of his life, as she had been then, a strange exalted thing having no relation to himself. After this day the door seemed to shut on his mind. His brow shut and became impervious, his eyes ceased to see, his hands were suspended. Within himself his will was coiled like a beast, hidden under the darkness, but always potent, working. At first she went on blithely enough with him, shut down beside her, but then his spell began to take hold of her. The dark, seething potency of him, the power of a creature that lies hidden, and exerts its will to the destruction of the free-running creature, as the tiger, lying in the darkness of the leaves, steadily enforces the fall and death of the light creatures that drink by the waterside in the morning, gradually began to take effect on her. Though he lay there in his darkness and did not move, yet she knew he lay waiting for her. She felt his will fastening on her and pulling her down, even whilst she was silent and obscure. She found that in all her outgoings and her incomings he prevented her. Gradually she realized that she was being borne down by him, borne down by the clinging heavy weight of him, that he was pulling her down as a leopard clings to a wild cow and exhausts her and pulls her down. Gradually she realized that her life, her freedom, was sinking under the silent grip of his physical will. He wanted her in his power. He wanted to devour her at leisure, to have her. At length she realized that her sleep was a long ache and a weariness and exhaustion because of his will fastened upon her as he lay there beside her during the night. She realized it all, and there came a momentous pause, a pause in her swift running, a moment suspension in her life when she was lost. Then she turned fiercely on him and fought him. He was not to do this to her, it was monstrous. What horrible hold did he want to have over her body? Why did he want to drag her down and kill her spirit? Why did he want to deny her spirit? Why did he deny her spirituality, hold her for a body only? And was he to claim her carcass? Some vast hideous darkness he seemed to represent to her. What do you do to me? She cried. What beastly thing do you do to me? You put a horrible pressure on my head. You don't let me sleep, you don't let me live. Every moment of your life you are doing something to me, something horrible that destroys me. There is something horrible in you, something dark and beastly in your will. What do you want of me? What do you want to do to me? All the blood in his body went black and powerful and corrosive as he heard her. Black and blind with hatred of her he was. He was in a very black hell and could not escape. He hated her for what she said. Did he not give her everything? Was she not everything to him? And the shame was a bitter fire in him that she was everything to him, that he had nothing but her. And then that she should taunt him with it, that he could not escape. The fire went black in his veins, for try as he might he could not escape. She was everything to him. She was his life and his derivation. He depended on her. If she were taken away he would collapse as a house from which the central pillar is removed. And she hated him because he depended on her so utterly. He was horrible to her. She wanted to thrust him off to set him apart. It was horrible that he should cleave to her so close, so close like a leopard that had leapt on her and fastened. He went on from day to day in a blackness of rage and shame and frustration. How he tortured himself to be able to get away from her but he could not. She was as the rock on which he stood, with deep heaving water all round, and he was unable to swim. He must take his stand on her. He must depend on her. What had he in life saved her? Nothing. The rest was a great heaving flood. The terror of the night, of heaving, overwhelming flood, which was his vision of life without her, was too much for him. He clung to her fiercely and abjectly. And she beat him off. She beat him off. Where could he turn, like a swimmer in a dark sea, beaten off from his hold? Wither could he turn. He wanted to leave her. He wanted to be able to leave her. For his soul's sake, for his manhood's sake, he must be able to leave her. But for what? She was the ark, and the rest of the world was flood. The only tangible, secure thing was the woman. He could leave her only for another woman, and where was the other woman, and who was the other woman? Besides, he would be just in the same state. Another woman would be woman. The case would be the same. Why was she the all, the everything? Why must he live only through her? Why must she sink if he were detached from her? Why must he cleave to her in a frenzy as for his very life? The only other way to leave her was to die. The only straight way to leave her was to die. His dark-graging soul knew that. But he had no desire for death. Why could he not leave her? Why could he not throw himself into the hidden water to live or die as might be? He could not. He could not. But supposing he went away, right away and found work, and had a lodging again. He could be again as he had been before. But he knew he could not. A woman he must have a woman, and having a woman he must be free of her. It would be the same position, for he could not be free of her. For how can a man stand unless he has something sure under his feet? Can a man tread the unstable water all his life and call that standing, better give in and drown at once? And upon what could he stand to save upon a woman? Was he then, like the old man of the seas, impotent to move, save upon the back of another life? Was he impotent, or a cripple, or an effective, or a fragment? It was black, mad, shameful torture, the frenzy of fear, the frenzy of desire, and the horrible grasping backwash of shame. What was he afraid of? Why did life without Anna seem to him just a horrible welter, and jostling in a meaningless, dark, fathomless flood? Why, if Anna left him even for a week, did he seem to be clinging like a madman to the edge of reality, and slipping surely, surely into the flood of unreality that would drown him? This horrible slipping into unreality drove him mad. His soul screamed with fear and agony. Yet she was pushing him off from her, pushing him away, breaking his fingers from their hold on her, persistently ruthlessly. He wanted her to have pity, and sometimes for a moment she had pity, but she always began again thrusting him off into the deep water, into the frenzy and agony of uncertainty. She became like a fury to him, without any sense of him. Her eyes were bright with a cold, unmoving hatred, then his heart seemed to die in its last fear. She might push him off into the deeps. She would not sleep with him any more. She said he destroyed her sleep. Up started all his frenzy and madness of fear and suffering. She drove him away, like a cowed, lurking devil he was driven off, his mind working cunningly against her, devising evil for her. But she drove him off. In his moments of intense suffering she seemed to him inconceivable, a monster, the principle of cruelty. However, her pity might give way for moments. She was hard and cold as a jewel. He must be put off from her. She must sleep alone. She made him a bed in the small room. And he lay there whipped, his soul whipped almost to death, yet unchanged. He lay in agony of suffering, thrown back into unreality, like a man thrown overboard into a sea, to swim till he sinks, because there is no hold, only a wide, weltering sea. He did not sleep, save for the white sleep when a thin veil is drawn over the mind. It was not sleep. He was awake and he was not awake. He could not be alone. He needed to be able to put his arms round her. He could not bear the empty space against his breast where she used to be. He could not bear it. He felt as if he were suspended in space, held there by the grip of his will. If he relaxed, his will would fall, fall through endless space into the bottomless pit, always falling, willless, helpless, nonexistent, just dropping to extinction, falling till the fire of friction had burned out, like a falling star, then nothing, nothing, complete nothing. He rose in the morning gray and unreal, and she seemed fond of him again. She seemed to make up to him a little. I slept well, she said, with her slightly false brightness. Did you? All right, he answered. He would never tell her. For three or four nights he lay alone through the white sleep, his will unchanged, unchanged, still tense, fixed in its grip. Then as if she were revived and free to be fond of him again, gathered by his silence and seeming acquiescence, moved also by pity, she took him back again. Each night, in spite of all the shame, he had waited with agony for bedtime to see if she would shut him out. And each night, as in her false brightness, she said, Good night, he felt he must kill her or himself. But she asked for her kiss, so pathetically, so prettily, so he kissed her, whilst his heart was ice, and sometimes he went out. Once he sat for a long time in the church porch before going into bed, it was dark with the wind blowing. He sat in the church porch and felt some shelter, some security. But it grew cold, and he must go into bed. Then came the night when she said, putting her arms round him and kissing him fondly, Stay with me tonight, will you? And he had stayed without Demure, but his will had not altered. He would have her fixed to him, so that soon she told him again she must be alone. I don't want to send you away. I want to sleep with you, but I can't sleep. You don't let me sleep. His blood turned black in his veins. What do you mean by such a thing? It's an errant lie. I don't let you sleep. But you don't. I sleep so well when I'm alone, and I can't sleep when you're there. You do something to me. You put a pressure on my head, and I must sleep. Now the child is coming. It's something in yourself, he replied. Something wrong in you. Horrible in the extreme were these nocturnal combats. When all the world was asleep and they too were alone, alone in the world and repelling each other. It was hardly to be born. He went and lay down alone, and at length, after a gray and livid and ghastly period, he relaxed. Something gave way in him. He let go. He did not care what became of him. Strange and dim he became to himself, to her, to everybody. A vagueness had come over everything, like a drowning, and it was an infinite relief to drown, a relief, a great, great relief. He would insist no more. He would force her no more. He would force himself upon her no more. He would let go, relax, lapse, and what would be should be. Yet he wanted her still. He always, always wanted her. In his soul he was desolate as a child. He was so helpless. Like a child on its mother, he depended on her for his living. He knew it, and he knew he could hardly help it. Yet he must be able to be alone. He must be able to lie down alongside the empty space and let be. He must be able to leave himself to the flood, to sink or live as might be, for he recognized at length his own limitation and the limitation of his power. He had to give in. There was a stillness, a oneness between them. Half at least of the battle was over. Sometimes she wept as she went about. Her heart was very heavy, but the child was always warm in her womb. There were friends again, new subdued friends, but there was a oneness between them. They slept together once more, very quietly and distinct. Not one together as before. And she was intimate with him as at first, but he was very quiet and not intimate. He was glad in his soul, but for the time being he was not alive. He could sleep with her and let her be. He could be alone now. He had just learned what it was to be able to be alone. It was right and peaceful. She had given him a new deeper freedom. The world might be a welter of uncertainty, but he was himself now. He had come into his own existence. He was born for a second time, born at last unto himself, out of the vast body of humanity. Now at last he had a separate identity. He existed alone, even if he were not quite alone. Before he had only existed insofar as he had relations with another being. Now he had an absolute self, as well as a relative self. But it was a very dumb, weak, helpless self, a crawling nursing. He went about very quiet and in a way submissive. He had an unalterable self at last, free, separate, independent. She was relieved. She was free of him. She had given him to himself. She wept sometimes with tiredness and helplessness, but he was a husband. And she seemed, in the child it was coming, to forget. It seemed to make her warm and drowsy. She lapsed into a long muse, indistinct, warm, vague, unwilling to be taken out of her vagueness. And she rested on him also. Sometimes she came to him with a strange light in her eyes, poignant, pathetic, as if she were asking for something. He looked and he could not understand. She was so beautiful, so visionary. The rays seemed to go out of his breast to her like a shining. He was there for her, all for her. And she would hold his breast and kiss it, and kiss it kneeling beside him. She who was waiting for the hour of her delivery. And he would lie looking down at his breast till it seemed that his breast was not himself, that he had left it lying there. Yet it was himself also, and beautiful and bright with her kisses. He was glad with a strange, radiant pain, whilst she kneeled beside him and kissed his breast with a slow, wrapped, half-devotional movement. He knew she wanted something, his heart yearned to give it her. His heart yearned over her. And as she lifted her face that was radiant and rosy as a little cloud, his heart still yearned over her. And now from the distance adored her. She had a flower-like presence which he adored as he stood far off a stranger. The weeks passed on, the time drew near. They were very gentle and delicately happy. The insistent, passionate dark soul, the powerful unsatisfaction in him, seemed stilled and tamed. The lion lay down with the lamb in him. She loved him very much indeed, and he waited near her. She was a precious, remote thing to him at this time, as she waited for her child. Her soul was glad with an ecstasy because of the coming infant. She wanted a boy, oh, very much she wanted a boy. But she seemed so young and so frail. She was indeed only a girl. As she stood by the fire washing herself, she was proud to wash herself at this time. And he looked at her. His heart was full of extreme tenderness for her. Such fine, fine limbs, her slim round arms like chasing lights, and her legs so simple and childish yet so very proud. Oh, she stood on proud legs with a lovely reckless balance of her full belly and the adorable little roundnesses and the breasts becoming important. Above it all her face was like a rosy cloud shining. How proud she was, what a lovely proud thing her young body, and she loved him to put his hand on her ripe fullness, so that he should thrill also with the stir and the quickening there. He was afraid and silent, but she flung her arms round his neck with proud impudent joy. The pains came on, and oh how she cried. She would have him stay with her, and after her long cries she would look at him with tears in her eyes and a sobbing laugh on her face, saying, I don't mind it really. It was bad enough, but to her it was never deathly. Even the fierce tearing pain was exhilarating. She screamed and suffered, but was all the time curiously alive and vital. She felt so powerfully alive and in the hands of such a masterly force of life that her bottom most feeling was one of exhilaration. She knew she was winning. Winning she was always winning with each onset of pain she was nearer to victory. Probably he suffered more than she did. He was not shocked or horrified, but he was screwed very tight in the vice of suffering. It was a girl. The second of silence on her face when they said so showed him she was disappointed, and a great blazing passion of resentment and protest sprang up in his heart. In that moment he claimed the child. But when the milk came and the infant sucked her breast she seemed to be leaping with extravagant bliss. It sucks me. It sucks me. It likes me. Oh, it loves it. She cried, holding the child to her breast with her two hands covering it passionately. And in a few moments as she became used to her bliss she looked at the youth with glowing unseeing eyes and said, Anna, Victrix. He went away trembling and slept. To her her pains were the wounds smart of a victor. She was the prouder. When she was well again she was very happy. She called the baby Ursula. Both Anna and her husband felt they must have a name that gave them private satisfaction. The baby was tawny skinned. It had a curious downy skin and wisps of bronze hair and the yellow-gray eyes that wavered and then became golden brown like the father's. So they called her Ursula because of the picture of the saint. It was a rather delicate baby at first, but soon it became stronger and was restless as a young eel. Anna was worn out with the day-long wrestling with its young vigor. As a little animal she loved and adored it and was happy. She loved her husband. He kissed his eyes and nose and mouth and made much of him. She said his limbs were beautiful. She was fascinated by the physical form of him. And she was indeed Anna Victrix. He could not combat her any more. He was out in the wilderness alone with her. Having occasion to go to London he marveled as he returned, thinking of naked lurking savages on an island, how these had built up and created the great mass of Oxford Street or Piccadilly. How had helpless savages running with their spears on the riverside after fish? How had they come to rear up this great London, the ponderous, massive, ugly superstructure of a world of man upon a world of nature? It frightened and awed him. Man was terrible, awful in his works. The works of man were more terrible than man himself, almost monstrous. And yet for his own part, for his private being, Brangwyn felt that the whole of the man's world was exterior and extraneous to his own real life with Anna. Sweep away the whole monstrous superstructure of the world of today, cities and industries and civilization. Leave only the bare earth with plants growing and waters running, and he would not mind so long as he were whole had Anna and the child and the new strange certainty in his soul. Even if he were naked he would find clothing somewhere. He would make a shelter and bring food to his wife. And what more? What more would be necessary? The great mass of activity in which mankind was engaged meant nothing to him. By nature he had no part in it. What did he live for then? For Anna only, and for the sake of living? What did he want on this earth? Anna only and his children and his life with his children and her? Was there no more? He was attended by a sense of something more, something further which gave him absolute being. It was as if now he existed in eternity, let time be what it might. What was there outside, the fabricated world that he did not believe in? What should he bring to her from outside? Nothing? Was it enough as it was? He was troubled in his acquiescence. She was not with him, yet he scarcely believed in himself apart from her, though the whole infinite was with him. Let the whole world slide down and over the edge of oblivion he would stand alone, but he was unsure of her, and he existed also in her, so he was unsure. He hovered near to her, never quite able to forget the vague haunting uncertainty that seemed to challenge him in which he would not hear. A pang of dread, almost guilt, as of insufficiency would go over him as he heard her talking to the baby. She stood before the window with the month-old child in her arms talking in a musical young sing-song that he had not heard before, and which rang on his heart like a claim from the distance, or the voice of another world sounding its claim on him. He stood near, listening, and his heart surged, surged to rise and submit. Then it shrank back and stayed aloof. He could not move. A denial was upon him, as if he could not deny himself. He must, he must be himself. Look at the silly blue caps, my beauty, she crooned, holding up the infant to the window, where shone the white garden and the blue tits scuffling in the snow. Look at the silly blue caps, my darling, having a fight in the snow. Look at them, my bird, beating the snow about with their wings and shaking their heads. Oh, aren't they wicked things, wicked things? Look at their yellow feathers on the snow there. They'll miss them, won't they, when they're cold later on? Must we tell them to stop? Must we say, stop it to them, my bird? But they are naughty, naughty. Look at them. Suddenly her voice broke loud and fierce. She rapped the pain sharply. Stop it, she cried. Stop it, you little nuisance, stop it. She called louder and rapped the pain more sharply. Her voice was fierce and imperative. Have more sense, she cried. There, now they're gone. Where have they gone, the silly things? What will they say to each other? What will they say, my lambkin? They'll forget, won't they? They'll forget all about it out of their silly little heads and their blue caps. After a moment she turned her bright face to her husband. They were really fighting. They were really fierce with each other, she said. Her voice keen with excitement and wonder, as if she belonged to the bird's world, were identified with the race of birds. They'll fight, well, blue caps, he said, glad when she turned to him with her glow from elsewhere. He came and stood beside her and looked out at the marks on the snow where the birds had scuffled, and at the yew-trees burdened white and black branches. What was the appeal it made to him? What was the question of her bright face? What was the challenge he was called to answer? He did not know. But as he stood there he felt some responsibility which made him glad but uneasy, as if he must put out his own light, and he could not move as yet. Anna loved the child very much, oh very much, yet still she was not quite fulfilled. She had a slight expectant feeling, as if a door half opened. Here she was, safe and still in cassette, but she felt as if she were not in cassette at all. She was straining her eyes to something beyond, and from her pisca mount which she had attained, what could she see? A faint gleaming horizon, a long way off, and a rainbow like an archway, a shadow door with faintly colored coping above it. Must she be moving thither? Something she had not, something she did not grasp, could not arrive at. There was something beyond her, but why must she start on the journey? She stood so safely on the pisca mountain. In the winter, when she rose with the sunrise, and out of the back windows saw the east flaming yellow and orange above the green glowing grass, while the great pear tree in between stood dark and magnificent as an idol, and under the dark pear tree the little sheet of water spread smooth in burnished yellow light, she said it is here. And when at evening the sunset came and a red glare threw the big opening in the clouds, she said again, it is beyond. Dawn and sunset were the feet of the rainbow that spanned the day, and she saw the hope, the promise. Why should she travel any further? She said she always asked the question. As the sun went down in his fiery winter haste, she faced the blazing clothes of the affair in which she had not played her fullest part, and she made her demand still. What are you doing making this big shining commotion? What is it that you keep so busy about that you will not let us alone? She did not turn to her husband for him to lead her. He was apart from her with her, according to her different conceptions of him. The child she might hold up, she might toss the child forward into the furnace, the child might walk there amid the burning coals and the incandescent roar of heat as the three witnesses walked with the angel in the fire. Soon she felt sure of her husband. She knew his dark face and the extent of its passion. She knew his slim vigorous body, she said it was hers. Then there was no denying her. She was a rich woman enjoying her riches. And soon again she was with child, which made her satisfied and took away her discontent. She forgot that she had watched the sun climb up and pass his way, a magnificent traveler surging forward. She forgot that the moon had looked through a window of the high dark night and nodded like a magic recognition, signaled to her to follow. Sun and moon traveled on and left her, passed her by, a rich woman enjoying her riches. She should go also, but she could not go when they called because she must stay at home now. With satisfaction she relinquished the adventure to the unknown. She was burying her children. There was another child coming, and Anna lapsed into vague content. If she were not the wayfarer to the unknown, if she were arrived now, settled in her building house, a rich woman, still her doors opened under the arch of the rainbow, her threshold reflected the passing of the sun and moon, the great travelers. Her house was full of the echo of journeying. She was a door and a threshold, she herself. Through her another soul was coming to stand upon her as upon the threshold, looking out, shading its eyes for the direction to take. CHAPTER VII The Cathedral During the first year of her marriage before Ursula was born, Anna Brangwen and her husband went to visit her mother's friend, the Baron Skrebensky. The latter had kept a slight connection with Anna's mother, and had always preserved some officious interest in the young girl because she was a pure pole. When Baron Skrebensky was about forty years old, his wife died and left him raving, disconsolate. Lydia had visited him then, taking Anna with her. It was when the girl was fourteen years old. Since then she had not seen him. She remembered him as a small, sharp clergyman who cried and talked and terrified her whilst her mother was most strangely consoling in a foreign language. The little Baron never quite approved of Anna because she spoke no Polish. Still, he considered himself in some way her guardian on Lensky's behalf, and he presented her with some old, heavy Russian jewelry, the least valuable of his wife's relics. Then he lapsed out of the Brangwen's life again, though he lived only about thirty miles away. Three years later came the startling news that he had married a young English girl of good family. Everybody marveled. Then came a copy of The History of the Parish of Briswell by Rudolf Baron Skrebensky, vicar of Briswell. This was a curious book, incoherent, full of interesting exhumations. It was dedicated to my wife, Millicent Maud Pierce, in whom I embraced the generous spirit of England. If he embraces no more than the spirit of England, said Tom Brangwen, it's a bad look out for him. But paying a formal visit with his wife, he found the new Baroness a little creamy skinned insidious thing with red brown hair and a mouth that one must always watch, because it curved back continually in an incomprehensible strange laugh that exposed her rather prominent teeth. She was not beautiful, yet Tom Brangwen was immediately under her spell. She seemed to snuggle like a kitten within his warmth, while she was at the same time elusive and ironical, suggesting the fine steel of her claws. The Baron was almost dotingly curious and attentive to her. She almost mockingly, yet quite happy, let him dot. Curious little thing she was. She had the soft, creamy, elusive beauty of a ferret. Tom Brangwen was quite at a loss at her mercy, and she laughed a little breathlessly as if tempted to cruelty. She did put fine torments on the elderly Baron. Then some months later she bore a son, the Baron Skrebensky was loud with delight. Gradually, she gathered a circle of acquaintances in the county, for she was of good family, half Venetian educated in Dresden. The little foreign vicar attained to a social status which almost satisfied his maddened pride. Therefore the Brangwens were surprised when the invitation came for Anna and her young husband to pay a visit to Briswell Vicarage. The Skrebenskys were now moderately well off, Millicent Skrebensky having some fortune of her own. Anna took her best clothes, recovered her best high school manner, and arrived with her husband. Will Brangwen, ruddy, bright, with long limbs and a small head like some uncouth bird, was not changed in the least. The little Baroness was smiling, showing her teeth. She had a real charm, a kind of joyous coldness, laughing, delighted, like some weasel. Anna at once respected her and was on her guard before her, instinctively attracted by the strange childlike surety of the Baroness, yet mistrusting it, fascinated. The little Baron was now quite white-haired, very brittle. He was wizened and wrinkled, yet fiery, unsubdued. Anna looked at his lean body, at his small, fine, lean legs and lean hands as he sat talking, and she flushed. She recognized the quality of the male in him, his lean concentrated age, his informed fire, his faculty for sharp, deliberate response. He was so detached, so purely objective. A woman was thoroughly outside him. There was no confusion, so he could give that fine, deliberate response. She was something separate and interesting. His hard, intrinsic being, whittled down by age to an essentiality and a directness almost deathlike, cruel, was yet so unswervingly sure in its action, so distinct in its surety that she was attracted to him. She watched his cool, hard, separate fire, fascinated by it. Would she rather have it than her husband's diffuse heat than his blind, hot youth? She seemed to be breathing high, sharp air as if she had just come out of a hot room. The strange Skrebensky's made her aware of another freer element in which each person was detached and isolated. Was not this her natural element? Was not the close, branguine life stifling her? Meanwhile the little baroness, with always a subtle light stirring of her full lustrous hazel eyes, was playing with Will Brangwin. He was not quick enough to see all her movements, yet he watched her steadily with unchanging, lit up eyes. She was a strange creature to him, but she had no power over him. She flushed and was irritated, yet she glanced again and again at his dark living face curiously as if she despised him. She despised his uncritical, unironical nature. It had nothing for her, yet it angered her as if she were jealous. He watched her with deferential interest as he would watch a stote playing, but he himself was not implicated. He was different and kind. She was all lambent, biting flames. He was a red fire glowing steadily. She could get nothing out of him, so she made him flush darkly by assuming a biting, subtle class superiority. He flushed, but still he did not object. He was too different. Her little boy came in with the nerves. He was a quick, slight child with fine perceptiveness and a cool transitoryness in his interest. At once he treated Will Brangwin as an outsider. He stayed by Anna for a moment, acknowledged her, then was gone again. Classic, observant, restless, with a glance of interest at everything. The father adored him and spoke to him in Polish. It was queer, the stiff, aristocratic manner of the father with the child, the distance in the relationship, the classic fatherhood on the one hand, the filial subordination on the other. They played together in their different degrees very separate, two different beings, freeing as it were in rank rather than in relationship. And the baroness smiled, smiled, smiled, always smiled, showing her rather protruding teeth, having always a mysterious attraction and charm. Anna realized how different her own life might have been, how different her own living, her soul stirred. She became as another person. Her intimacy with her husband passed away, the curious and developing Brangwin intimacy, so warm, so close, so stifling, when one seemed always to be in contact with the other person, like a blood relation, was annulled. She denied it, this close relationship with her young husband. He and she were not one. His heat was not always to suffuse her, suffuse her through her mind and her individuality till she was of one heat with him, till she had not her own self apart. She wanted her own life. He seemed to lap her and suffuse her with his being, his hot life, till she did not know whether she were herself or whether she were another creature, united with him in a world of close blood intimacy that closed over her and excluded her from all the cool outside. She wanted her own old, sharp self, detached, detached, active, but not absorbed, active for her own part, taking and giving but never absorbed, whereas he wanted this strange absorption with her, which still she resisted. But she was partly helpless against it. She had lived so long in Tom Brangwin's love beforehand. From the Skrebenskis they went to Will Brangwin's beloved Lincoln Cathedral, because it was not far off. He had promised her that one by one they should visit all the cathedrals of England. They began with Lincoln, which he knew well. He began to get excited as the time drew near to set off. What was it that changed him so much? She was almost angry, coming as she did from the Skrebenskis. But now he ran on alone. His very breast seemed to open its doors to watch for the great church brooding over the town. His soul ran ahead. When he saw the cathedral in the distance, dark blue lifted watchful in the sky. His heart leapt. It was the sign in heaven. It was the spirit hovering like a dove, like an eagle over the earth. He turned his glowing ecstatic face to her. His mouth opened with a strange ecstatic grin. There she is, he said. The she irritated her. Why she? It was it. What was the cathedral, a big building, a thing of the past, obsolete to excite him to such a pitch? She began to stir herself to readiness. They passed up the steep hill, he eager as a pilgrim arriving at the shrine. As they came near the precincts, with castle on one side and cathedral on the other, his veins seemed to break into fiery blossom. He was transported. They had passed through the gate, and the great west front was before them with all its breadth and ornament. It is a false front, he said, looking at the golden stone and the twin towers and loving them just the same. In a little ecstasy he found himself in the porch on the brink of the unrevealed. He looked up to the lovely unfolding of the stone. He was to pass within to the perfect womb. Then he pushed open the door, and the great pillared gloom was before him, in which his soul shuddered and rose from her nest. His soul leapt, soared up into the great church. His body stood still, absorbed by the height. His soul leapt up into the gloom, into possession. It reeled, it swooned with a great escape. It quivered in the womb, in the hush and the gloom of fecundity, like seed of procreation and ecstasy. She too was overcome with wonder and awe. She followed him in his progress. Here the twilight was the very essence of life. The colored darkness was the embryo of all light and the day. Here the very first dawn was breaking, the very last sunset sinking, and the immemorial darkness, whereof life's day, would blossom and fall away again, re-echoed peace and profound immemorial silence. Away from time, always outside of time, between east and west, between dawn and sunset, the church lay like a seed in silence, dark before germination, silenced after death. Containing birth and death, potential, with all the noise and transition of life, the cathedral remained hushed, a great involved seed, whereof the flower would be radiant life inconceivable, but whose beginning and whose end were the circle of silence. And round with the rainbow, the jeweled gloom folded music upon silence, light upon darkness, fecundity upon death. As a seed folds leaf upon leaf, and silence upon the root and the flower, hushing up the secret of all between its parts, the death out of which it fell, the life into which it has dropped, the immortality it involves, and the death it will embrace again. Here in the church, before and after were folded together, all was contained in oneness. Brangwen came to his consummation. Out of the doors of the womb he had come, putting aside the wings of the womb, and proceeding into the light. Through daylight and day after day he had come, knowledge after knowledge and experience after experience, remembering the darkness of the womb, having prescience of the darkness after death. In between while he had pushed open the doors of the cathedral and entered the twilight of both darkness, the hush of the twofold silence where dawn was sunset, and the beginning and the end were one. Here the stone leapt up from the plain of earth, leapt up in a manifold clustered desire each time, up, away from the horizontal earth, through twilight and dusk and the whole range of desire, through the swerving, the declination, to the ecstasy, the touch, to the meeting and the consummation, the meeting, the clasp, the close embrace, the neutrality, the perfect, swooning consummation, the timeless ecstasy. There his soul remained at the apex of the arch, clinched in the timeless ecstasy, consummated. And there was no time, nor life nor death, but only this, this timeless consummation, where the thrust from earth met the thrust from earth, and the arch was locked on the keystone of ecstasy. This was all. This was everything. Till he came to himself in the world below. Then again he gathered himself together in transit, every jet of him strained and leaped clear into the darkness above to the fecundity and the unique mystery, to the touch, the clasp, the consummation, the climax of eternity, the apex of the arch. She too was overcome, but silenced rather than tuned to the place. She loved it as a world not quite her own. She resented his transports and ecstasies. His passion in the cathedral at first awed her, then made her angry. After all, there was the sky outside, and in here, in this mysterious half-night, when his soul leapt with the pillars upwards. It was not to the stars and the crystalline dark space, but to meet and clasp with the answering impulse of leaping stone, there in the dusk and secrecy of the roof, the far-off clenching and mating of the arches, the leap and thrust of the stone, carrying a great roof overhead, awed and silenced her. But yet she remembered that the open sky was no blue vault, no dark dome hung with many twinkling lamps, but a space where stars were wheeling in freedom, with freedom above them always higher. The cathedral roused her too, but she would never consent to the knitting of all the leaping stone and a great roof that closed her in, and beyond which was nothing, nothing. It was the ultimate confine. His soul would have liked it to be so. Here, here is all, complete, eternal, motion, meeting, ecstasy, and no illusion of time, of night and day passing by, but only perfectly proportioned space and movement, clenching and renewing, and passions surging its way into great waves to the altar, recurrence of ecstasy. Her soul, too, was carried forward to the altar, to the threshold of eternity, in reverence and fear and joy. But ever she hung back in the transit, mistrusting the culmination of the altar. She was not to be flung forward on the lift and lift of passionate flights, to be cast at last upon the altar's steps as upon the shore of the unknown. There was a great joy and a verity in it. But even in the day's swoon of the cathedral she claimed another right. The altar was barren, its lights gone out. God burned no more in that bush. It was dead matter lying there. She claimed the right to freedom above her, higher than the roof. She had always a sense of being roofed in. So that she caught at little things, which saved her from being swept forward headlong in the tide of passion that leaps on into the infinite, in a great mass, triumphant and flinging its own course. She wanted to get out of this fixed, leaping, forward traveling movement to rise from it as a bird rises with wet limp feet from the sea, to lift herself as a bird lifts its breast and thrust its body from the pulse and heave of a sea that bears it forward to an unwilling conclusion, tear herself away like a bird on wings, and in open space where there is clarity rise up above the fixed, surcharged motion, a separate speck that hangs suspended, moves this way and that, seeing and answering before it sinks again, having chosen or found the direction in which it shall be carried forward. And it was as if she must grasp at something as if her wings were too weak to lift her straight off the heaving motion, so she caught sight of the wicked odd little faces carved in stone, and she stood before them, arrested. These sly little faces peeped out of the grand tide of the cathedral like something that knew better. They knew quite well these little imps that retorted on man's own illusion that the cathedral was not absolute. They winked and leered, giving suggestion of the many things that had been left out of the great concept of the church. However much there is inside here, there's a good deal they haven't got in, the little faces mock. Apart from the lift and spring of the great impulse towards the altar, these little faces had separate wills, separate motions, separate knowledge, which rippled back in defiance of the tide, and laughed in triumph of their own very littleness. Oh, look, cried Anna, oh, look how adorable the faces! Look at her! Anna looked unwillingly. This was the voice of the serpent in his Eden. She pointed him to a plump, sly, malicious little face carved in stone. He knew her, the man who carved her, said Anna, I'm sure she was his wife. It isn't a woman at all, it's a man, said Brangwyn Curtley. Do you think so? No, that isn't a man, that is no man's face. Her voice sounded rather jeering. He laughed shortly and went on, but she would not go forward with him. She loitered about the carvings, and he could not go forward without her. He waited impatient of this counter-action. She was spoiling his passionate intercourse with the cathedral. His brows began to gather. Oh, this is good, she cried again. Here is the same woman. Look, only he's made her cross. Isn't it lovely? Didn't he make her hideous to a degree? She laughed with pleasure. Didn't he hate her? He must have been a nice man. Look at her. Isn't it awfully good, just like a shrewish woman? He must have enjoyed putting her in like that. He got his own back on her, didn't he? It's a man's face, no woman's at all, a monk's clean shaven, he said. She laughed with a poof of laughter. You hate to think he put his wife in your cathedral, don't you? She mocked with a tinkle of profane laughter, and she laughed with malicious triumph. She had got free from the cathedral. She had even destroyed the passion he had. She was glad. He was bitterly angry. Strive as he would, he could not keep the cathedral wonderful to him. He was disillusioned. That which had been his absolute, containing all heaven and earth was become to him as to her a shapely heap of dead matter, but dead, dead. His mouth was full of ash, his soul was furious. He hated her for having destroyed another of his vital illusions. Soon he would be stark, stark without one place wherein to stand, without one belief in which to rest. Yet somewhere in him he responded more deeply to the sly little face that knew better than he had done before to the perfect surge of his cathedral. Nevertheless, for the time being his soul was wretched and homeless, and he could not bear to think of Anna's ousting him from his beloved realities. He wanted his cathedral. He wanted to satisfy his blind passion, and he could not anymore. Something intervened. They went home again, both of them altered. She had some new reverence for that which he wanted. He felt that his cathedrals would never again be to him as they had been. Before he had thought them absolute, but now he saw them crouching under the sky, with still the dark, mysterious world of reality inside, but as a world within a world, a sort of sideshow, whereas before they had been as a world to him within a chaos, a reality, an order, an absolute within a meaningless confusion. He had felt before that could he but go through the great door and look down the gloom towards the far-off concluding wonder of the altar, that then, with the windows suspended around like tablets of jewels emanating their own glory, then he had arrived. Here the satisfaction he had yearned after came near towards this, the porch of the great unknown, all reality gathered, and there the altar was the mystic door through which all and everything must move on to eternity. But now, somehow, sadly and disillusioned, he realized that the doorway was no doorway. It was too narrow. It was false. Outside the cathedral were many flying spirits that could never be sifted through the jeweled gloom. He had lost his absolute. He listened to the thrushes in the gardens and heard a note which the cathedrals did not include, something free and careless and joyous. He crossed the field that was all yellow with dandelions on his way to work, and the bath of yellow glowing was something at once so sumptuous and so fresh that he was glad he was away from his shadowy cathedral. There was life outside the church. There was much that the church did not include. He thought of God and of the whole blue rotunda of the day. That was something great and free. He thought of the ruins of the Grecian worship, and it seemed a temple was never perfectly a temple till it was ruined and mixed up with the winds and the sky and the herbs. Still he loved the church. As a symbol he loved it. He tended it for what it tried to represent, rather than for that which it did represent. Still he loved it. The little church across his garden wall drew him. He gave it loving attention. But he went to take charge of it, to preserve it. It was as an old sacred thing to him. He looked after the stone and woodwork, mending the organ and restoring a piece of broken carving, repairing the church furniture. Later he became choir master also. His life was shifting its center, becoming more superficial. He had failed to become really articulate, failed to find real expression. He had to continue in the old form, but in spirit he was uncreated. Anna was absorbed in the child now. She left her husband to take his own way. She was willing now to postpone all adventure into unknown realities. She had the child. Her palpable and immediate future was the child. If her soul had found no utterance, her womb had. The church that neighbored with his house became very intimate and dear to him. He cherished it. He had it entirely in his charge. If he could find no new activity, he would be happy cherishing the old dear form of worship. He knew this little whitewashed church. In its shadowy atmosphere he sank back into being. He liked to sink himself in its hush as the stone sinks into water. He went across his garden, mounted the wall by the little steps, and entered the hush and peace of the church. As the heavy door clanged to behind him, his feet re-echoed in the aisle. His heart re-echoed with a little passion of tenderness and mystic peace. He was also slightly ashamed, like a man who has failed, who lapses back for his fulfillment. He loved to light the candles at the organ, and sitting there alone in the little glow practiced the hymns and chants for the service. The whitewashed arches retreated into darkness. The sound of the organ and the organ petals died away upon the unalterable stillness of the church. There were faint ghostly noises in the tower, and then the music swelled out again, loudly, triumphantly. He ceased to fret about his life. He relaxed his will and let everything go. What was between him and his wife was a great thing, if it was not everything. She had conquered, really. Let him wait and abide, wait and abide. She and the baby and himself, they were one. The organ rang out his protestation. His soul lay in the darkness as he pressed the keys of the organ. To Anna, the baby was a complete bliss and fulfillment. Her desires sank into abeyance. Her soul was in bliss over the baby. It was rather a delicate child. She had trouble to rear it. She never for a moment thought it would die. It was a delicate infant, therefore it behooved her to make it strong. She threw herself into the labor. The child was everything. Her imagination was all occupied here. She was a mother. It was enough to handle the new little limbs, the new little body, here the new little voice crying in the stillness. All the future rang to her out of the sound of the baby's crying and cooing. She balanced the coming years of life in her hands as she nursed the child. The passionate sense of fulfillment of the future, germinated in her, made her vivid and powerful. All the future was in her hands, in the hands of the woman. And before this baby was ten months old, she was again with child. She seemed to be in the fecund of storm life. Every moment was full and busy with productiveness to her. She felt like the earth, the mother of everything. Branglun occupied himself with the church. He played the organ. He trained the choir boys. He taught a Sunday school class of youths. He was happy enough. There was an eager yearning kind of happiness in him as he taught the boys on Sundays. He was all the time exciting himself with the proximity of some secret that he had not yet fathomed. In the house he served his wife and the little matriarchy. She loved him because he was the father of her children, and she always had a physical passion for him. So he gave up trying to have the spiritual superiority and control, or even her respect for his conscious or public life. He lived simply by her physical love for him, and he served the little matriarchy, nursing the child and helping with the housework indifferent any more of his own dignity and importance. But his abandoning of claims, his living isolated upon his own interests, made him seem unreal, unimportant. Anna was not publicly proud of him, but very soon she learned to be indifferent to public life. He was not what is called a manly man. He did not drink or smoke or irrigate importance. But he was her man, and his very indifference to all claims of manliness set her supreme in her own world with him. Physically she loved him, and he satisfied her. He went alone and subsidiary always. At first it had irritated her. The outer world existed so little to him. Looking at him with outside eyes she was inclined to sneer at him, but her sneer changed to a sort of respect. She respected him that he could serve her so simply and completely. Above all she loved to bear his children, she loved to be the source of children. She could not understand him, his strange dark rages and his devotion to the church. It was the church building he cared for. And yet his soul was passionate for something. He labored cleaning the stonework, repairing the woodwork, restoring the organ, and making the singing as perfect as possible. To keep the church fabric and the church ritual intact was his business. To have the intimate sacred building utterly in his own hands and to make the form of service complete. There was a little bright anguish and tension on his face and in his intent movements. He was like a lover who knows he is betrayed, but who still loves, whose love is only the more intense. The church was false, but he served it the more attentively. During the day at his work in the office he kept himself suspended. He did not exist. He worked automatically till it was time to go home. He loved with a hot heart the dark-cared little Ursula, and he waited for the child to come to consciousness. Now the mother monopolized the baby, but his heart waited in its darkness. His hour would come. In the long run he learned to submit to Anna. She forced him to the spirit of her laws, while sleeving him the letter of his own. She combatted in him his devils. She suffered very much from his inexplicable and incalculable dark rages. When a blackness filled him and a black wind seemed to sweep out of existence everything that had to do with him, she could feel herself everything being annihilated by him. At first she fought him. At night in this state he would kneel down to say his prayers. She looked at his crouching figure. Why are you kneeling there pretending to pray? She said harshly. Do you think anybody can pray when they are in the vile temper you are in? He remained crouching by the bedside motionless. It's horrible, she continued, in such a pretense. What do you pretend you are saying? Who do you pretend you are praying to? He still remained motionless, seething within co-et rage when his whole nature seemed to disintegrate. He seemed to live with a strain upon himself, and occasionally came these dark, chaotic rages, the lust for destruction. She then fought with him and their fights were horrible, murderous. And then the passion between them came just as black and awful. But little by little as she learned to love him better, she would put herself aside, and when she felt one of his fits upon him would ignore him, successfully leave him in his world while she remained in her own. He had a black struggle with himself to come back to her, for at last he learned that he would be in hell until he came back to her. So he struggled to submit to her, and she was afraid of the ugly strain in his eyes. She made love to him and took him, then he was grateful to her love, humble. He made himself a woodwork shed in which to restore things which were destroyed in the church, so he had plenty to do, his wife, his child, the church, the woodwork, and his wage earning, all occupying him. If only there were not some limit to him, some darkness across his eyes. He had to give into it at last himself. He must submit to his own inadequacy, aware of some limit to himself, of something unformed in his own black, violent temper, and to reckon with it. But as she was more gentle with him, it became quieter. As he sat, sometimes very still, with a bright vacant face, Anna could see the suffering among the brightness. He was aware of some limit to himself, of something unformed in his very being, of some buds which were not ripe in him, some folded centers of darkness which would never develop and unfold whilst he was alive in the body. He was unready for fulfillment. Something undeveloped in him limited him. There was a darkness in him which he could not unfold, which would never unfold in him. CHAPTER VIII. From the first the baby stirred in the young father a deep strong emotion he dared scarcely acknowledge. It was so strong and came out of the dark of him. When he heard the child cry, a terror possessed him, because of the answering echo from the unfathomed distances in himself. Must he know in himself such distances, perilous and imminent? He had the infant in his arms. He walked backwards and forwards, troubled by the crying of his own flesh and blood. This was his own flesh and blood, crying. His soul rose against the voice suddenly breaking out from him from the distances in him. Sometimes in the night the child cried and cried. When the night was heavy and sleep oppressed him, and half asleep he stretched out his hand to put it over the baby's face to stop the crying. But something arrested his hand. The very inhumanness of the intolerable, continuous crying arrested him. It was so impersonal, without cause or object, yet he echoed to it directly. His soul answered its madness. It filled him with terror, almost with frenzy. He learned to acquiesce to this, to submit to the awful obliterated sources which were the origin of his living tissue. He was not what he conceived himself to be. Then he was what he was, unknown, potent, dark. He became accustomed to the child. He knew how to lift and balance the little body. The baby had a beautiful rounded head that moved him passionately. He would have fought to the last drop to defend that exquisite perfect round head. He learned to know the little hands and feet, the strange unseeing, golden brown eyes, the mouth that opened only to cry or to suck or to show a queer toothless laugh. He could almost understand even the dangling legs which at first had created in him a feeling of aversion. They could kick in their queer little way. They had their own softness. One evening suddenly he saw the tiny living thing rolling naked in the mother's lap, and he was sick. It was so utterly helpless and vulnerable and extraneous. In a world of hard surfaces and varying altitudes, it lay vulnerable and naked at every point. Yet it was quite blithe. And yet in its blind awful crying was there not the blind, far off terror of its own vulnerable nakedness, the terror of being so utterly delivered over, helpless at every point. He could not bear to hear it crying. His heart strained and stood on guard against the whole universe. But he waited for the dread of these days to pass. He saw the joy coming. He saw the lovely, creamy, cool little ear of the baby, a bit of dark hair rubbed to a bronze floss like bronze dust. And he waited for the child to become his, to look at him and answer him. It had a separate being, but it was his own child. His flesh and blood vibrated to it. He caught the baby to his breast with his passionate, clapping laugh, and the infant knew him. As the newly opened, newly dawned eyes looked at him, he wanted them to perceive him, to recognize him. Then he was verified. The child knew him. A queer contortion of laughter came on its face for him. He caught it to his breast, clapping with a triumphant laugh. The golden brown eyes of the child gradually lit up and dilated at the sight of the dark, glowing face of the youth. It knew its mother better, it wanted its mother more, but the brightest, sharpest little ecstasy was for the father. It began to be strong, to move vigorously and freely, to make sounds like words. It was a baby girl now. See it knew his strong hands, it exalted in his strong clasp, it laughed and crowed when he played with it. And his heart grew red-hot with passionate feeling for the child. She was not much more than a year old when the second baby was born, than he took Ursula for his own. She, his first little girl, he had set his heart on her. The second had dark blue eyes and a fair skin. It was more a branguine, people said. The hair was fair, but they forgot Anna's stiff-blonde fleece of childhood. They called the newcomer Goodrin. This time Anna was stronger and not so eager. She did not mind that the baby was not a boy. It was enough that she had milk and could suckle her child. Oh, oh, the bliss of the little life sucking the milk of her body. Oh, oh, oh, the bliss as the infant grew stronger of the two tiny hands clutching, catching blindly yet passionately at her breast, of the tiny mouth seeking her in blind, sure, vital knowledge of the sudden consummate peace as the little body sank, the mouth and throat sucking, sucking, sucking, drinking life from her to make a new life, almost sobbing with passionate joy of receiving its own existence. The tiny hands clutching frantically as the nipple was drawn back, not to be gained, said. This was enough for Anna. She seemed to pass off into a kind of rapture of motherhood. Her rapture of motherhood was everything. So that the father had the elder baby, the weaned child, the golden-brown, wandering, vivid eyes of the little Ursula were for him, who had waited behind the mother till the need was for him. The mother felt a sharp stab of jealousy, but she was still more absorbed in the tiny baby. It was entirely hers, its need was direct upon her. So Ursula became the child of her father's heart. She was the little blossom, he was the sun. He was patient, energetic, inventive for her. He taught her all the funny little things. He filled her and roused her to her fullest tiny measure. She answered him with her extravagant infant's laughter and her call of delight. Now there were two babies a woman came in to do the housework. Anna was holy nurse. Two babies were not too much for her, but she hated any form of work now her children had come, except the charge of them. When Ursula toddled about, she was an absorbed busy child, always amusing herself, needing not much attention from other people. At evening, toward six o'clock, Anna very often went across the lane to the stile. Lifted Ursula over into the field with a going-meat daddy. Then Brangwin, coming up the steep round of the hill, would see before him on the brow of the path a tiny, tottering, windblown little mite with a dark head, who as soon as she saw him would come running in tiny, wild windmill fashion, lifting her arms up and down to him, down the steep hill. His heart leapt up. He ran his fastest to her to catch her, because he knew she would fall. She came fluttering on wildly, with her little limbs flying, and he was glad when he caught her up in his arms. Once she fell as she came flying to him. He saw her pitch forward suddenly as she was running with her hands lifted to him, and when he picked her up, her mouth was bleeding. He could never bear to think of it. He always wanted to cry, even when he was an old man and she had become a stranger to him. How he loved that little Ursula. His heart had been sharply seared for her when he was a youth, first married. When she was a little older, he would see her recklessly climbing over the bars of the style in her red pinafore, swinging in peril and tumbling over, picking herself up and flitting towards him. Sometimes she liked to ride on his shoulder, sometimes she preferred to walk with his hand. Sometimes she would fling her arms round his legs for a moment, and race free again, whilst he went shouting and calling to her, a child along with her. He was still only a tall, thin, unsettled lad of twenty-two. It was he who had made her her cradle, her little chair, her little stool, her high chair. It was he who would swing her up the table, or who would make for her a doll out of an old table-leg, whilst she watched him saying, make her eyes, Daddy, make her eyes. And he made her eyes with his knife. She was very fond of adorning herself, so he would tie a piece of cotton round her ear and hang a blue bead on it underneath for an earring. The earrings varied with a red bead and a golden bead and a little pearl bead. And as he came home at night, seeing her bridling and looking very self-conscious, he took notice and said, so you're wearing your best golden and pearl earrings today. Yes? I suppose you've been to see the queen. Yes, I have. Oh, and what had she to say? She said, she said, you won't dirty your nice white frock. He gave her the nicest bits from his plate, putting them into her red-moist mouth, and he would make on a piece of bread and butter a bird out of jam, which she ate with extraordinary relish. After the tea things were washed up, the woman went away, leaving the family free. Usually, Brangwin helped in the bathing of the children. He held long discussions with his child as she sat on his knee and he unfastened her clothes, and he seemed to be talking really of momentous things, deep moralities. Then suddenly she ceased to hear, having caught sight of a glassy rolled into a corner. She slipped away and was in no hurry to return. Come back here, he said, waiting. She became absorbed, taking no notice. Come on, he repeated, with a touch of command. An excited little chuckle came from her, but she pretended to be absorbed. Do you hear, my lady? She turned with a fleeting, exulting laugh. He rushed on her and swept her up. Who was it that didn't come, he said, rolling her between his strong hands, tickling her, and she laughed heartily, heartily. She loved him that he compelled her with his strength and decision. He was all-powerful, the tower of strength which rose out of her sight. When the children were in bed, sometimes Anna and he sat and talked, desultorily, both of them idle. He read very little. Anything he was drawn to read became a burning reality to him, another scene outside his window, whereas Anna skimmed through a book to see what happened. Then she had enough. Therefore they would often sit together talking desultorily. What was really between them they could not utter. Their words were only accidents in the mutual silence. When they talked, they gossiped. She did not care for sowing. She had a beautiful way of sitting musing, gratefully, as if her heart were lit up. Sometimes she would turn to him laughing to tell him some little thing that had happened during the day. Then he would laugh, they would talk a while, before the vital physical silence was between them again. She was thin but full of color and life. She was perfectly happy to do just nothing, only to sit with a curious, languid dignity, so careless as to be almost regal, so utterly indifferent, so confident. The bond between them was undefinable but very strong. It kept everyone else at a distance. His face never changed whilst she knew him. It only became more intense. It was ruddy and dark in its abstraction, not very human. It had a strong, intent brightness. Sometimes when his eyes met hers, a yellow flash from them caused the darkness to swoon over her consciousness, electric, and a slight strange laugh came on his face. Her eyes would turn languidly, then close as if hypnotized, and they lapsed into the same potent darkness. He had the quality of a young black cat, intent, unnoticeable, and yet his presence gradually made itself felt, stealthily and powerfully took hold of her. He called, not to her, but to something in her which responded subtly, out of her unconscious darkness. So they were together in a darkness, passionate, electric, forever haunting the back of the common day, never in the light. In the light he seemed to sleep unknowing. Only she knew him when the darkness set him free, and he could see with his gold-glowing eyes his intention and his desires in the dark. Then she was in a spell. Then she answered his harsh penetrating call with a soft leap of her soul. The darkness woke up, electric, bristling with an unknown overwhelming insinuation. By now they knew each other. She was the daytime, the daylight. He was the shadow, put aside but in the darkness potent with an overwhelming voluptuousness. She learned not to dread and to hate him, but to fill herself with him, to give herself to his black sensual power that was hidden all the daytime. And the curious rolling of the eyes as if she were lapsing in a trance away from her ordinary consciousness became habitual with her when something threatened and opposed her in life, the conscious life. So they remained as separate in the light and in the thick darkness married. He supported her daytime authority, kept it enviable at last, and she and all the darkness belonged to him, to his close insinuating hypnotic familiarity. All his daytime activity, all his public life, was a kind of sleep. She wanted to be free to belong to the day, and he ran avoiding the day in work. After tea he went to the shed to his carpentry or his wood-carving. He was restoring the patched, degraded pulpit to its original form. But he loved to have the child near him, playing by his feet. She was a piece of light that really belonged to him, that played within his darkness. He left the shed door on the latch, and when with his second sense of another presence he knew she was coming he was satisfied. He was at rest. When he was alone with her he did not want to take notice, to talk. He wanted to live on thinking with her presence flickering upon him. He always went in silence. The child would push open the shed door, and see him working by lamp-light. His sleeves rolled back. His clothes hung about him carelessly, like mere wrapping. Inside his body was concentrated with a flexible, charged power, all of its own, isolated. From when she was a tiny child Ursula could remember his forearm with its fine black hairs and its electric flexibility, working at the bench through swift unnoticeable movements, always ambushed in a sort of silence. She hung a moment in the door of the shed, waiting for him to notice her. He turned, his black-curved eyebrows arching slightly. Hello, Twitter-miss! And he closed the door behind her. Then the child was happy in the shed that smelled of sweet wood and resounded to the noise of the plane or the hammer or the saw, yet was charged with the silence of the worker. She played on, intent and absorbed among the shavings and the little nods of wood. She never touched him. His feet and legs were near. She did not approach them. She liked to flit out after him when he was going to church at night. If he were going to be alone he swung her over the wall and let her come. Then she was transported when the door was shut behind them, and they too inherited the big pale void place. She would watch him as he lit the organ candles, wait whilst he began his practicing his tunes. Then she ran foraging here and there like a kitten playing by herself in the darkness with eyes dilated. The ropes hung vaguely, twining on the floor from the bells in the tower, and Ursula always wanted the fluffy red and white or blue and white rope grips, but they were above her. Sometimes her mother came to claim her. Then the child was seized with resentment. She passionately resented her mother's superficial authority. She wanted to assert her own detachment. He, however, also gave her occasional cruel shocks. He let her play about in the church. She rifled footstools in hymn books and cushions like a bee among flowers whilst the organ echoed away. Ursula continued for some weeks. Then the tower woman worked herself up into a frenzy of rage to dare to attack Brangwin and one day descended on him like a harpy. He wilted away and wanted to break the old beast's neck. Instead he came glowering in fury to the house and turned on Ursula. Why, you tiresome little monkey, can't you even come to church without pulling the place to bits? His voice was harsh and cat-like. He was blind to the child. She shrank away in childish anguish and dread. What was it? What awful thing was it? The mother turned with her calm, almost superb manner. What has she done, then? Done? She shall go in the church no more, pulling and littering and destroying. The wife slowly rolled her eyes and lowered her eyelids. What has she destroyed, then? He did not know. I've just had Mrs. Wilkinson at me, he cried, with a list of things she's done. Ursula withered under the contempt and anger of the she as he spoke of her. Send Mrs. Wilkinson here to me with a list of the things she's done, said Anna. I am the one to hear that. It's not the things the child has done, continued the mother, that have put you out so much. It's because you can't bear being spoken to by that old woman. But you haven't the courage to turn on her when she attacks you. You bring your rage here. He relapsed into silence. Ursula knew that he was wrong. In the outside, upper world, he was wrong. Already came over the child the cold sense of the impersonal world. There she knew her mother was right, but still her heart clamored after her father, for him to be right, in his dark sensuous underworld. But he was angry and went his way in blackness and brutal silence again. The child ran about, absorbed in life, quiet, full of amusement. She did not notice things, nor changes, nor alterations. One day she would find daisies in the grass, another day apple blossoms would be sprinkled white on the ground, and she would run among it for pleasure because it was there. Yet again birds would be packing at the cherries. Her father would throw cherries down from the tree all round her on the garden. Then the fields were full of hay. She did not remember what had been nor what would be. The outside things were there each day. She was always herself. The world outside was accidental. Even her mother was accidental to her, a condition that happened to endure. Only her father occupied any permanent position in the childish consciousness. When he came back she remembered vaguely how he had gone away. When he went away she knew vaguely that she must wait for his coming back. Whereas her mother, returning from an outing, merely became present, there was no reason for connecting her with some previous departure. The return or the departure of the father was the one event which the child remembered. When he came something woke up in her, some yearning. She knew when he was out of joint or irritable or tired, then she was uneasy she could not rest. When he was in the house the child felt full and warm, rich like a creature in the sunshine. When he was gone she was vague, forgetful. When he scolded her even she was often more aware of him than of herself. He was her strength and her greater self. Ursula was three years old when another baby girl was born. Then the two small sisters were much together, Gudrun and Ursula. Gudrun was a quiet child who played for hours alone absorbed in her fancies. She was brown-haired, fair-skinned, strangely placid, almost passive. Yet her will was indomitable, once set. From the first she followed Ursula's lead, yet she was a thing to herself so that to watch the two together was strange. They were like two young animals playing together, but not taking real notice of each other. Gudrun was the mother's favorite, except that Anna always lived in her latest baby. The burden of so many lives depending on him wore the youth down. He had his work in the office which was done purely by effort of will. He had his barren passion for the church. He had three young children. Also at this time his health was not good, so he was haggard and irritable, often a pest in the house. Then he was told to go to his woodwork, or to the church. Between him and the little Ursula there came into being a strange alliance. They were aware of each other. He knew the child was always on his side. But in his consciousness he counted it for nothing. She was always for him. He took it for granted. Yet his life was based on her, even whilst she was a tiny child, on her support and her accord. Anna continued in her violent trance of motherhood, always busy, often harassed, but always contained in her trance of motherhood. She seemed to exist in her own violent fruitfulness, and it was as if the sun shone tropically on her. Her color was bright, her eyes full of a feck and gloom, her brown hair tumbled loosely over her ears. She had a look of richness, no responsibility, no sense of duty troubled her. The outside public life was less than nothing to her, really. Whereas when at twenty-six he found himself father of four children, with a wife who lived intrinsically like the ruddiest lilies of the field, he let the weight of responsibility press on him and drag him. It was then that his child Ursula strove to be with him. She was with him, even as a baby of four. When he was irritable and shouted and made the household unhappy, she suffered from his shouting, but somehow it was not really him. She wanted it to be over. She wanted to resume her normal connection with him. When he was disagreeable, the child echoed to the crying of some need in him, and she responded blindly. Her heart followed him as if he had some tie with her and some love which she could not deliver. Her heart followed him persistently in its love. But there was the dim childish sense of her own smallness and inadequacy, a fatal sense of worthlessness. She could not do anything. She was not enough. She could not be important to him. This knowledge deadened her from the first. Still, she set towards him like a quivering needle. All her life was directed by her awareness of him, her wakefulness to his being, and she was against her mother. Her father was the dawn wherein her consciousness woke up, but for him she might have gone on like the other children, Goodrin and Teresa and Catherine, one with the flowers and insects and playthings, having no existence apart from the concrete object of her attention. But her father came too near to her. The clasp of his hands and the power of his breast woke her up almost in pain from the transient unconsciousness of childhood. Wide-eyed, unseeing, she was awake before she knew how to see. She was awakened too soon. Too soon the call had come to her. When she was a small baby and her father held her close to his breast, her sleep-living heart was beaten into wakefulness by the striving of his bigger heart, by his clasping her to his body for love and for fulfillment. Asking as a magnet must always ask. From her the response had struggled dimly, vaguely, into being. The children were dressed roughly for the country. When she was little, Ursula padded about in little wooden clogs, a blue overall over her thick red dress, a red shawl crossed on her breast and tied behind again. So she ran with her father to the garden. The household rose early. He was out digging by six o'clock in the morning. He went to his work at half past eight, and Ursula was usually in the garden with him, though not near at hand. At Easter time one year she helped him to set potatoes. It was the first time she had ever helped him. The occasion remained as a picture, one of her earliest memories. They had gone out soon after dawn. A cold wind was blowing. He had his old trousers tucked into his boots. He wore no coat nor waistcoat. His shirt sleeves fluttered in the wind. His face was ruddy and intent in a kind of sleep. When he was at work he neither heard nor saw. A long, thin man, looking still a youth with a line of black moustache above his thick mouth and his fine hair blown on his forehead, he worked away at the earth in the gray first light alone. His solitariness drew the child like a spell. The wind came chill over the dark green fields. Ursula ran up and watched him push the setting-peg in at one side of his ready earth, stride across, and push it in the other side, pulling the line taut and clear upon the clouds intervening. Then, with a sharp cutting noise, the bright spade came towards her, cutting a grip into the new, soft earth. He struck his spade upright and straightened himself. "'Do you want to help me?' he said. She looked up at him from out of her little woolen bonnet. "'A,' he said, "'you can put some taters in for me. "'Look, like that. These little spritz standing up, so much apart, you see?' Then, stooping down, he quickly, surely placed the sprinted potatoes in the soft grip where they rested separate and pathetic on the heavy cold earth. He gave her a little basket of potatoes and strode himself to the other end of the line. She saw him stooping, working towards her. She was excited and unused. She put in one potato, then rearranged it to make it sit nicely. Some of the spritz were broken, and she was afraid. The responsibility excited her like a string tying her up. She could not help looking with dread at the string buried under the heaped-back soil. Her father was working nearer, stooping, working nearer. She was overcome by her responsibility. She put potatoes quickly into the cold earth. He came nearer. "'Not so close,' he said, stooping over her potatoes, taking some out and rearranging the others. She stood by with the painful, terrified helplessness of childhood. He was so unseeing and confident. She wanted to do the thing, and yet she could not. She stood by looking on, her little blue overall fluttering in the wind, the red woolen ends of her shawl blowing gustily. Then he went down the row relentlessly, turning the potatoes in with his sharp spade cuts. He took no notice of her, only worked on. He had another world from hers. She stood helplessly stranded on his world. He continued his work. She knew she could not help him. A little bit forlorn at last she turned away and ran down the garden, away from him as fast as she could go away from him to forget him and his work. He missed her presence, her face in her red woolen bonnet, her blue overall fluttering. She ran to where a little water ran trickling between grass and stones that she loved. When he came by he said to her, you didn't help me much. The child looked at him dumbly. Maybe her heart was heavy because of her own disappointment. Her mouth was dumb and pathetic, but he did not notice. He went his way. And she played on because of her disappointment persisting even no more in her play. She dreaded work because she could not do it as he did it. She was conscious of the great breach between them. She knew she had no power. The grown-up power to work deliberately was a mystery to her. She would smash into her sensitive child's world destructively. Her mother was lenient, careless. The children played about as they would all day. Ursula was thoughtless. Why should she remember things? If across the garden she saw the hedge had budded, and if she wanted these greeny-pink tiny buds for bread and cheese to play at tea-party with, over she went for them. Then suddenly, perhaps the next day, her soul would almost start out of her body as her father turned on her, shouting, who's been trampling and dancing across where I've just sowed seed? I know it's you, nuisance. Can you find nowhere else to walk but just over my seedbeds? But it's like you, that is. No heed but to follow your own greedy nose. It had shocked him in his intent world to see the zig-zagging lines of deep little footprints across his work. The child was infinitely more shocked. Her vulnerable little soul was flayed and trampled. Why were the footprints there? She had not wanted to make them. She stood dazzled with pain and shame and unreality. Her soul, her consciousness seemed to die away. She became shut off and senseless, a little fixed creature whose soul had gone hard and unresponsive. The sense of her own unreality hardened her like a frost. She cared no longer. And the sight of her face, shut and superior with self-asserting indifference, made a flame of rage go over him. He wanted to break her. I'll break your obstinate little face, he said, through shut teeth lifting his hand. The child did not alter in the least. The look of indifference, complete glancing indifference, as if nothing but herself existed to her, remained fixed. Yet far away in her the sobs were tearing her soul, and when he had gone she would go and creep under the parlour sofa and lie clinched in the silent, hidden misery of childhood. When she crawled out after an hour or so, she went rather stiffly to play. She willed to forget. She cut off her childish soul from memory so that the pain and the insult should not be real. She asserted herself only. There was not nothing in the world but her own self, so very soon she came to believe in the outward malevolence that was against her. And very early she learned that even her adored father was part of this malevolence, and very early she learned to harden her soul in resistance and denial of all that was outside her, harden herself upon her own being. She never felt sorry for what she had done. She never forgave those who had made her guilty. If he had said to her, Why, Ursula, did you trample my carefully made bed? That would have hurt her to the quick, and she would have done anything for him. But she was always tormented by the unreality of outside things. The earth was to walk on. Why must she avoid a certain patch, just because it was called a seed bed? It was the earth to walk on. This was her instinctive assumption. And when he bullied her, she became hard, cut herself off from all connection, lived in the little separate world of her own violent will.