 We'll see that Judaism actually has various rhythms. There are various rhythms to the life of a Jew. As part of the nation, for example, we are all part of the history of the Jewish people that is moving inexorably towards its destiny to its prophetic destiny that we've described in the past few sessions. But we are not just here in the present. We are part of a nation that has a future and we're heading towards that future. So that's part of our rhythm of life. There's also the rhythm that Jewish experience that's tied into the Jewish calendar. So for example, each day, there's a rhythm of the day that revolves around the three different times for prayer. The morning prayer, afternoon prayer, evening prayer, then of course there's the rhythm of the weekly cycle. The six work days followed by the Sabbath is a great part of the consciousness, the rhythm consciousness of Jewish people. Then there's the monthly cycle, where every month we celebrate the new moon. Each month has its own character. The lunar month, approximately 30 days long, but that's part of again, the cycle of rhythms that we go through. We're conscious of the fact that we're now in a particular month and in a few days or a few weeks, the new month is going to begin. And then during the course of the year, there's the rhythm of all the different Jewish holidays. For example, one rhythm of the year are the three pilgrim festivals. There were three festivals when the Jewish people lived in Israel and there was a temple where it was an obligation to go to Jerusalem and be there for the festivals, the Passover of the Feast of Week, Shavuot, and the Feast of Tabernacles. And there were other holidays during the year. Every year there are the high holidays that revolve around the beginning of the Jewish calendar year, the new year, Yom Kippur, the day of Atonement after that. There were the minor holidays like Purim and Hanukkah. So we have a rhythm to our lives that revolves around the holidays that come out during the year. If you're living in Israel during the time when there was a temple, even now a bit, there is the cycle of the sabbatical years where there's every seventh year, the Shemitah, the sabbatical year, actually even a longer cycle, which is every 50 years, the Jubilee year. But Jewish life is a life of rhythm based upon the calendar. Then there is the rhythm of the life cycle events that we each go through as individuals when we experience these events in our own unique personal timing. So tonight we'll try to explore some of the major features of Judaism's life cycle from cradle to grave. So the very first commandments in the Bible, the very first commandment in the Torah is when God commands Adam and Eve to be fruitful and to multiply. Now aside from the personal blessings that come from having children, Judaism is also concerned with the importance of having descendants to carry on the national mission of the Jewish people. So for example, we see throughout the book of Genesis, we're not patriarchs and matriarchs, we're having difficulty having children, and conceiving their concern was not just a personal concern that they wanna have pleasure from their children, they were concerned about who is going to carry on their legacy, who's gonna carry on the mission of the Jewish people. And Jewish law teaches that a man and a woman fulfill their obligation of having children when they have one son and one daughter, just like God created initially a man and a woman. So even though a couple fulfills their obligation of being fruitful and multiplying when they have a son and a daughter, Judaism encourages families to go beyond this minimum and to actually aim for larger families. However, we have to be cognizant to the fact that there are many factors that have to be considered when considering how many children a couple is going to have, including the physical and psychological well-being of the mother. And so when warranted, family planning is certainly permitted. Now, one of the things that expectant parents deal with is choosing a name for their child. Names in the Bible and names in Judaism are extremely significant and important. They have a strong relationship to the person and the person's nature. There's a correspondence between who a person is and what their name is. And even though according to Jewish teaching, prophecy came to an end around 2,400 years ago, there is among other remnants of prophecy that we still have. For example, our sages teach that often dreams are a 60th of prophecy, but our sages teach that when parents are naming their child, they're also gifted with an infusion of divine inspiration when choosing the name for their children. Usually Jews of European descent, we call these Ashkenazic Jews, will name their children after deceased relatives. So if there's a relative, a grandfather, or an aunt, or some person in the family who has not been named yet, a child has not been named after this deceased person in the family. So when Ashkenazic family is very common to name a new child after a deceased relative, either with the exact same name of that relative or a similar sounding name. Among spartic Jews, these are Jews that come from places like Spain, Portugal, Morocco, Iran, Iraq, and Africa, they will often name their children after living relatives. Now the names that are given traditionally in Jewish families are often names from the Bible, usually good people from the Bible, not usually evil people from the Bible, and also special righteous people from the Talmud. But we have a reservoir, a bank of names of people from the times of the Bible and Talmud, and it's very traditional to name Jewish children after these people. However, today it's not uncommon for Jewish parents to also give their children a non-Hebrew name, especially in societies outside the land of Israel, where for many reasons it's just convenient to have a non-Hebrew name. For example, many people that live in the United States or Canada cannot pronounce easily Hebrew names. So for example, Boruch might get the English name Brian, or Chaim might get the name Charles, but it's often given not just a Hebrew name to a child, which by the way becomes their official Hebrew name that's used in all official spiritual events, like when they get married or when they get called to the Torah, any official religious event, they're called by their Hebrew name, but often people will use their English or non-Hebrew name as well, although it's increasingly popular for many Jewish people to use their Hebrew name only. So you'll find many people who will not use any name other than the Hebrew name. Our sages teach us that one of the merits that we were able to leave Egypt when we were slaves in Egypt over 3,000 years ago, one of the things our sages say that we did that was meritorious was that people did not change their names. We kept to our traditional Jewish names so people will often use their Hebrew names exclusively. Now tonight, there are going to be many, many variations in the practices I'll be looking at tonight. We're covering a huge, vast amount of material and I won't be able to cover all the different variations of customs that exist. I'll be sharing what is genuinely speaking normative. Now the naming of girls usually takes place on the Shabbat on the Sabbath after they're born. Normally what happens is their father of the child, the baby girl is called up to the public reading of the Torah in synagogues on the Sabbath, the scriptures the Torah is read, there's a weekly Torah portion, they divide up the entire five books of Moses into 52 sections basically, so each Shabbat they're reading about 150th of the Torah and seven men are called up to recite blessings before the different readings so the father of the baby girl is called up and that is when the girl will be given her name publicly, the father will announce the name of the girl at that time. There will also be at that time special blessings that are recited for the health of the mother and for the newborn baby. In some communities is also a reception, a party that's held in honor of the birth of the baby girl. Baby boys are named when they're circumcised which takes place generally eight days after they're born and in many communities from European descent, Ashkenazic Jews, there's a custom to first have a small celebration on the first Friday night after the birth of a baby boy which is called a Shalom Zachar, welcoming the boy and again it's informal celebration held in the home usually on a Friday night after the Friday night Sabbath meal and there are words of Torah that are spoken, songs are sung and songs of thanksgiving, light refreshments is served, it's a nice little reception that the family has but then the major event for the boy is the circumcision again taking place eight days after the child is born. Some people have the custom of having little children come to the house on the night before the circumcision for the little children to recite the words of the Shema Yisrael, the famous prayer from the Hebrew Bible, the declaration of Jewish faith. Hero Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Little children will recite that prayer in the presence of the little baby about to be circumcised. The Bible tells us that when God entered into a covenant with Abraham, when God first established his covenant with Abraham and Abraham's descendants, God decreed that there should be a sign of this relationship that would be marked on Abraham and his male descendants. The word in Hebrew for covenant is a breed or we say bris and this is also the word used for the sign of the covenant. So the word breed is both a covenant itself and it's also used for the physical sign of the covenant that takes place on the eighth day. There's a general attempt to perform all Jewish religious obligations as soon as possible without delay and so therefore the bris ceremony, the circumcision is normally done right after the morning prayer services on the eighth day which takes place usually seven, eight o'clock in the morning and unless the boy is underweighed or jaundiced or is unwell on some other way, they stick to that eighth day timeframe. What happens is a baby is usually placed on a pillow. Sometimes the pillow is specially decorated. Normally what happens is the mother of the baby will hand the baby on the pillow to a friend, the mother, married woman. She then hands the baby off to her husband and then someone is then honored to take the baby and place the baby on what is called the Kisei Eliyahu, the chair of Elijah. Elijah was the Jewish prophet who encouraged the Jewish people to keep the covenant and keep the covenant of circumcision so we have a special chair at the circumcision ceremony to honor Elijah the prophet but also we know that Elijah was a very critical prophet and he criticized the Jewish people in front of God for not observing the Torah and not observing the covenant. So according to Jewish tradition, the Bible actually says that Elijah the prophet never died. He went straight to heaven after he died and he is constantly around, he visits every generation and so he actually is made to come to every circumcision where God chose him. You see, these people thousands of years after you are still observing the covenant of circumcision. After the child is placed on the chair of Elijah, he's taken by someone else who hands him over to someone that's called the Sandek. Sandek is often a grandparent, grandfather or some other honored person who holds the baby on their knees during the circumcision itself. It's very rare for a father to circumcise their own child. It's very difficult to do to your own child. Most fathers are not trained anyway. Even if the father is trained, it's just not the kind of thing fathers can easily do. So they have a specially trained person to do the circumcision that's called a mohel. Sometimes a mohel will also be a doctor but doesn't have to be a medical doctor. The mohel is trained to an extent where actually they do a much better job than circumcisions performed in a hospital. After the mohel performs the circumcision, the people assembled bless the boy and they all say together just as he, the boy, has entered into the covenant, into the covenant of circumcision, so may he enter into the study of Torah, marriage and the performance of good deeds. And after this, the baby is given its name, the baby boy is given its name and the ceremony is followed by a celebratory festive meal. Now the number eight in Jewish thought is very symbolic and very meaningful. Seven is often seen as the number that describes the completion of something in the natural realm. There are seven days of the week, there are seven colors in the rainbow, in the western hemisphere, there are seven notes in the musical scale, but eight is seen as the number of going beyond the physical to the metaphysical, going beyond the physical realm to the spiritual realm. And so the eighth day is a very significant and meaningful day for the circumcision because God's covenant with Abraham was that he would ensure that the Jewish people will exist forever. Now when you think about that, that the Jewish people should exist forever, totally defies the laws of nature. We have many mighty empires from thousands of years ago that totally disappear, they no longer exist. And yet the fact that a small people, the people of Israel are still here is quite miraculous. So circumcision on the eighth day where eight symbolizes the idea of supernatural is a very appropriate time for the circumcision to take place because it symbolizes the idea that the Jewish survival is not a natural phenomenon. This is one reason that's given for why the mark of circumcision is made on the reproductive organ. Because again, it's speaking about the continuity of the Jewish people. But another reason that the circumcision takes place on the reproductive organ is to teach us the lesson that we have to always be in control of our passions and our desires and we have to strive for purity and holiness in our relationships, especially in our intimate relationships. Now this significance between the circumcision and purity in relationships was not lost on one of the greatest evil people in the history of the world. Adolf Hitler said the following. He said, it is true that we are barbarians. It is an honor title to us. I free humanity from the shackles of the soul, from the degrading suffering caused by the false vision called conscience and ethics. The Jews have inflicted two wounds on mankind, circumcision on the body and conscience on the soul. These are Jewish inventions. The war for domination of the world is waged only between the two of us, between these two camps alone, Germany and the Jews. Now if a woman's child, if a woman's first child is a baby boy, there may be another life cycle event that takes place 31 days after he's born. We know among the people of Israel, among the Jewish people, there are three groups. We have what is known as the priests, the Kohanim, the Levites, the Levium and everyone else who are referred to as Yisra'elim Israelites. Now originally, the original plan that God had was that the role of all first born children, all first born males, would be that they would be the ones to serve in both the Tabernacle in the desert and later in the Holy Temple in Jerusalem. That was supposed to be the role of the first born male children. However, after the debacle of the golden calf, after the Torah was given, the first born children lost that privilege and it was transferred to the tribe of Levi who did not participate in the sin of the golden calf and they therefore then assumed the role and privilege of responsibility of the temple service. Now in the tribe of Levi itself, Levi was one of the 12 tribes, there was a smaller group within the tribe of Levi. These were the descendants of Aaron. Aaron was the brother of Moses and the descendants of Aaron among the rest of the Levi and the Levites, they became the actual priesthood and the priests were the ones that actually performed the sacrificial services in the temple. The rest of the tribe, the rest of the Levites had secondary responsibilities associated with the temple like singing the psalm, singing the songs in the temple during the services and assisting the priests in various ways. But that was the tribe that was gonna be serving in the temple. The first born lost that privilege. However, there was still a connection, an ongoing connection between every first born child and God and that traces itself back to the 10th plague in Egypt. We know that the 10th plague in Egypt was a plague when all the first born in Egypt were supposed to be killed, every first born were supposed to die. God, however, saved the first born of the Jewish nation and that saving of the Jewish first born basically connected the Jewish first born to God. We as first born became gods. He in a sense, we are his. And therefore, what happened in the Torah was that once the responsibility of serving God was given to the tribe of Levi, a commandment was given to redeem the rest of the first born, first born male children to any mother who herself was not a daughter of a priest or a Levite. So if a mother who herself is a daughter of a priest or a Levite, she doesn't do this, but any other mother that has a first born when their first born child is a male, the Torah requires that that male child, male first born child be redeemed. And what happens is the father on the 31st day after the birth of the child gives about 100 grams of silver, usually in the equivalent of five coins, it's given to any priest. And this celebration, this ceremony of giving this money to the priest to redeem their first born child is again usually celebrated with family and friends coming to a informal reception. Some people have beyond this another life cycle milestone for young boys. Some people have the custom of not cutting a boy's hair for the first three years. Now this is sometimes connected to the biblical prohibition against using, not using any of the fruits that grow from a tree for the first three years after the tree is planted. So after three years, the baby's hair is cut for the first time. And again, some families make a special party for their child when their hair is first cut. Some little baby boys begin wearing a kippah, a skull cap at that time if they're able to. It's not easy for a three year old to keep it on its head. And then we will go about 10 years into the future for the next life cycle event, which is called bar or bat mitzvah. According to Jewish law, a girl reaches adulthood at the age of 12 years and one day. For a baby, for a boy, their adulthood takes place at the age of 13 years and one day. And it's at this time when the boy and the girl become fully obligated to observe the commandments of the Torah. Until this age, the parents are deeply involved in trying to educate and train their children to follow the ways of the Torah at appropriate stages. So for example, every Jewish family is gonna only feed their children, even babies, kosher food. But little babies are not going to be trained to recite blessings before and after they eat food. That will only kick in when a child is able to do that. So at the appropriate ages, parents will begin training the children to do the appropriate religious observances. Bar mitzvah means son of a commandment, son of the commandments. Bat mitzvah means daughter of the commandments. And again, it's at this age when they become responsible for their behavior and it shifts the responsibility, shifts from their parents. Until this age, their parents are responsible for them. What happens at this age, again, 12 years and a day for a girl, 13 years and a day for a boy, is that they begin to become more sensitive to the callings of their soul. Until this time, basically, children only are attentive to their bodies. They're totally selfish. But the ability to begin thinking beyond their own physical selfish needs begins at this age. And it's because of this that they now have more free will to decide right from wrong, and therefore they become responsible and accountable for their behavior. It's customary for families to celebrate their children becoming bar about mitzvah with a festive meal. At the meal, they're usually speeches given about the significance of the event. Sometimes the child will speak at the event as well. Sometimes these receptions will be held at home. Sometimes at a synagogue or some other kind of reception hall. There is absolutely no obligation to make a lavish, expensive affair as is very common today. These are often actually not really even in the proper spirit of what a bar about mitzvah should be. What is often more appropriate than making one of these lavish, sometimes not in good taste parties, which are really basically big birthday parties, is to possibly some families will take their children to Israel to mark their bar about mitzvah. Now in traditional Jewish communities where a boy can be counted into the necessary quorum for public prayer when they become bar mitzvah, you need 10 adult men to have a prayer service. It's customary for a bar mitzvah boy to be called up to recite the blessings for the public reading of the Torah on the first available time it happens after they turn 13. It could be on a Monday morning when the Torah is read, a Thursday morning, or a Shabbat morning. In some places they'll throw little candies at the boy when he concludes saying the blessings to help celebrate. Some boys will not just recite the blessings, they'll actually read the Torah itself and they'll lead part of the prayer services in non-orthodox communities when women are included in the quorum for public prayer. So bar mitzvah girls will often be given some role as a full participant in the prayer services there. The next major milestone in Jewish life is marriage. Bar and bat mitzvah is a time when we come into a more spiritual maturity, but marriage is the time when we reach another level in personal development. According to our mystical teachings, the Bible itself hints at the fact that the initial human being was formed as a combination of both male and female. The original model off the assembly line was hermaforditic, both male and female together. And in a later point in the creation story, God separated the male from the female and they became two separate beings. But when people get married, what they really are doing is they are coming together with the original half. That's why the Bible says, therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife and they will become one flesh. In marriage, we reunite with our other half to really achieve the original state we were meant to be in. And because finding the right marriage partner is such an incredibly important and weighty decision, Judaism discourages the kind of casual and recreational dating that is prevalent in our Western societies. Young adults are encouraged to focus primarily on maturation, maturing into integrated spiritual and ethical individuals that develop clarity in terms of who they are and what their values and aspirations are. Dating usually only begins once someone is ready to get married and wants to find a suitable life partner. The dating process is geared to exploring whether the other person is compatible in terms of values, goals and personalities. They also meet to determine whether or not there's physical attraction and chemistry between them. But in traditional societies, there is no physical contact between the young man and the young woman until after marriage. Once a couple decides they want to get married, they'll announce their engagement. Often their families will make a public reception in one of their homes to celebrate the engagement. The couple continues to refrain from physical contact in traditional communities and it's custom for them to try and therefore arrange a wedding date that's not too far in the future. You don't usually find in traditional societies people getting engaged and getting married a year and a half later. They will try to get married soon after their engagement. It's also customary for the bride and groom, the soon to be bride and groom, not to see each other at all during the week before their wedding. Now in Ashkenazah communities, again these are from European communities, the groom is given the honor of being called up to the Torah on the Shabbat before their wedding for a public reading during the public reading of the Torah and it's customary again for congregants to shower him with candies after he says the blessings and there's often a special celebration with refreshments after the services are over. Some communities have a custom where the bride's friends spend the Shabbat before the wedding with her for informal celebrating this is called the Shabbat Kala, the Sabbath of the bride and it's customary for a bride and groom to fast on the day of their wedding. This fasting is in recognition of the fact that they're beginning a new life together, they wanna begin this new life in purity, in seriousness and it's a day where they're both seeking spiritual renewal. So the fasting of a wedding day is somewhat similar to the fasting of Yom Kippur the day of Atonement. At traditional weddings the bride and groom begin the wedding day in separate rooms. The bride is in one area and receives her guests and greets her friends and family, the groom is in another room, usually there's music and refreshments and singing and the groom is greeting his guests. Sometimes the guests obviously go back and forth between the different rooms. What happens is in the groom's room the marriage document which is called the Katuba is finalized, usually the Katuba which outlines the obligations of the husband to his bride it's normally prepared before the wedding. Now it could be a standard printed document that you buy in a store, it's often a handmade decorated illuminated work of art but at the reception before the wedding actually takes place this document is signed by witnesses. In an Ashkenazic wedding before everyone proceeds to the actual wedding ceremony itself the custom is that the two mothers of the bride and the groom come together and they break a plate to symbolize the seriousness of the day and to symbolize the fact that just as the plate when it's broken is broken forever it really can never be put back together. So the prayer is that the relationship between this couple will be permanent and will never be broken. Before the actual wedding ceremony the groom's friends and family dance him accompany to music to where the bride is seated and he places the bride's veil over her face. This is actually based upon a story in the Bible where Rebecca is veiled. It's a sign both of modesty and the fact that what's truly important about the bride is not her external physical beauty but her internal beauty and the presiding rabbis and parents will often bless the bride at this time. Everyone then proceeds together to the chuppah the chuppah is the marriage canopy which symbolizes the new home that the couple will build together. This chuppah the canopy is basically open on all four sides like a tent. Sometimes the chuppah is set up under the stars outside and sometimes it is set up indoors in the synagogue or reception hall. The groom and the bride will each be marched down to the chuppah by their parents usually at Ashkenazik weddings. The bride will walk around encircling her groom seven times at a Svartik wedding a prayer shawl will be draped over the bride and groomed together and held by their friends. Often at the wedding ceremony a groom will wear a white robe called a kitil. It's a very significant garment. It's a kitil is a garment that is worn on the high holidays to symbolize purity. It's worn at a press over Seder. It's also ironically the garment that a person is buried in. And yet it's worn under the chuppah because of the solemnity of the occasion. The person conducting the wedding will recite a blessing over a cup of wine and then the bride and groom will each be given a sip of wine from that cup. A simple gold ring is then taken by the groom and put on the forefinger of the bride as the groom declares that they are now betrothed together. It's customary by the way for the bride not to give her groom a ring under the chuppah but she can do so later if she wants to. Next what happens is the katuba, the wedding document is read publicly and it becomes the property of the bride. This is followed by honored guests at the wedding being called up to recite seven special blessings for the marriage of the new couple. Afterward the bride and the groom each sip again from a glass of wine and next a clean glass is placed on the floor wrapped in a napkin and the groom smashes it with his foot. This symbolizes the fact that even at our most joyous moments in life we express our sadness over the destruction of the temple in Jerusalem, the fact that we don't have our temple today standing in Jerusalem. All the guests then congratulate the couple and they are marched off to company by music to a private room where they left alone together for about 10 minutes to spend time together for the first time in their relationship. They have not been allowed to be together in a locked room before. Since they've been fasting all day there's often food for them to eat. They can also express their physical affection for each other at this time. And while the couple is in this private room the guests all sit down and they begin a festive meal and when the couple enters later on everyone rushes to dance around them and the entire wedding basically moves back and forth between courses of the meal and dancing around the bride and groom entertaining them with dancing, with juggling, with skits, with acrobatics and with rousing music. Again the purpose of the wedding is not for people that are going there to have a good time for themselves it's to make sure the bride and groom have a wonderfully joyous day. At the end of the wedding meal everyone recites the grace after meals together and another seven special guests are honored to recite the seven special blessings for the bride and groom again at the end of the wedding meal. During the first week of their marriage friends and family will arrange special festive meals each day for those first seven days for the bride and groom and again at each of these festive meals they recite these special seven blessings at the end of the grace after meals. The first year of marriage is an incredibly special one where the husband is really supposed to be especially attentive to rejoicing with his bride making her happy. For example, there's a custom that the groom does not travel without her away from home during that first year unless there's a huge need and she gives permission but the year should be focused on building together a solid foundation of love and respect for their life together. Now it's been said that people often live their lives in the same way that they write a postcard to someone. When you start writing a postcard you begin writing with nice big words and then you realize later on that you're running out of space and you haven't said all the things that you want to say so people begin writing very very tiny letters they turn the card over and they start writing on the front of the postcard they turn it all inside and they write around the stamp but it's very tough after you begin writing a postcard with very large letters when you run out of room it's very hard to get everything in that you want to say and people often live their lives in the same way we often waste so much time and only wake up much later and realize there are so many things in life that we really never accomplished. The same thing is really happening here in our class tonight. We don't really have that much time together and there's still a huge topic ahead of us but I'm going to have to try to squeeze it in. The essence of who we are as human beings is not so much our body but our souls but the body is important because the soul is housed in the body and therefore we have to treat our bodies with respect and with dignity and therefore when a person dies autopsies and embalming and cremation are considered to be desecrations of the body the only exception to these prohibitions is when there is an emergency need in order to save one's life so for example if an autopsy will help save someone's life or the donation of an organ there's someone immediately that needs an organ those are the only times when anything can be done to the body the Bible says in the beginning of Genesis to Adam and Eve to Adam by the sweat of your brow you will eat bread until you return from the ground from where you were taken for you are dust and you will return to the dust so in the same way that our souls return to their spiritual source in the spiritual realm after death the body is returned to its place of origin which is the earth it's considered disrespectful to the body to delay a burial and so normally burial is not delayed unless it's for the dignity of the corpse so for example a burial might be delayed for a day or two to allow for relatives who are living far away to be able to attend the funeral the body is never left alone from the moment of death until the burial there's always at least one person who is watching the body guarding the body, reciting psalms it's called a showmare but it's a way again of paying respect and honoring this body which was housing a soul for its entire life prior to the burial the body is washed in a special way prepared for burial it's wrapped in plain white linen shrouds and this is normally done by the local Jewish Burial Society almost all Jewish communities have what is called a chevre kadisha which is a special burial society that tends to the needs of those who have died and prepare them for burial it's a great, great merit for people to become part of a burial society the body is supposed to be buried in a plain wooden coffin that can return the body to the ground quickly and easily in order for the body to decompose quickly and easily we don't bury a body in fancy metal or other materials a plain wooden coffin is all that is done in Israel actually they put the body straight into the ground at least in Jerusalem that's the custom is to put a body directly into the ground that cannot be done in North America there has to be some kind of a coffin before the burial the community gathers with friends and relatives and the deceased is eulogized the eulogy is especially serious time to reflect on who the person was it's not a time for necessarily entertaining anyone people are supposed to actually come to tears when they hear a eulogy the body is then taken to the cemetery and buried it's customary for those present to take turns shoveling dirt onto the coffin after it's been lowered into the ground psalms and special prayers for the dead are then recited and then people will return to the home of the mourners now for the mourners themselves there are several stages in the process where they deal with the death of a close loved one the first stage is when they hear about the death itself our tradition says that when you find out that someone has died you recite the blessing blessed is God king of the universe who is the true judge we accept the fact that people die and we accept the fact that God knows what he's doing and we bless God even upon the death of someone that we love when a close relative dies which is again a parent a spouse, a child or a sibling one tears their garment when hearing the news some people will tear the garment only at the funeral service itself but the garment that you're wearing should be torn the next stage is called aninut the person has lost a close relative is called an onain an onain is someone between the death of their loved one and the burial this is a time when they're supposed to be preparing for the burial and therefore they have no obligations to perform any positive religious practices for example an onain does not pray does not recite blessings, does not study Torah an onain is supposed to be basically focused on the needs at hand which is preparing for the burial of their loved one after the funeral itself begins seven days that are called shiva shiva is the number meaning seven it begins after the funeral where during that seven day period the mourner basically does not leave their house they don't attend to their external appearances so for example men don't shave no one takes haircuts, mirrors in the house are covered they wear the torn clothing that they tore at the time when they heard of the death no one puts on cosmetics no one bathes or showers unless it's for hygienic reasons we don't wear leather shoes during that seven day period we don't sit on a regular chair we only sit on a low stool prayer services are held in the home and during the shiva period guests come, relatives and friends come to pay their respect and to console the mourners the purpose of coming to the house of a mourner is not to take their mind off of their loss the purpose of coming to the house of the mourner is to help the person through the bereavement process which is basically to encourage them to speak about the person that passed away their relationship to the person it's not a time for people to tell stories and take the minds of the mourners off of their loved ones after the seven days there is a less intense period of mourning that lasts for 30 days that's called shloshim shloshim is the word for 30 and still no shaving or haircuts takes place people do not go to parties or social events joyous occasions during the shloshim but during this period they are able to leave their house they can go to work they can wear normal clothing and except for parents the mourning process ends after these 30 days for parents however the mourning period lasts for a whole year and during this year a mourner is allowed to shave get their hair cut but they don't attend festive events they don't attend social gatherings pleasure trips, they don't listen to music and a special prayer is recited during the entire first 11 months which is called a kadesh kadesh is a prayer that we say that is associated with someone dying it's a prayer we basically praise the existence of God and we pray for the expansion of God's presence and reality in the world every human being is created in the image of God so when someone dies God's image so to speak is diminished so kadesh is a prayer where we ask God's presence to be magnified in the world and it's a time for the mourner to demonstrate that the loved one that passed away had a positive spiritual influence on them they are now the kind of person that's getting up in front of a group of people and praising God and magnifying God's name for parents there is a custom to celebrate to mark the yurt site which is the anniversary of their death every year after they die people will say kadesh on that day the light of candle on that day is a custom to again mark the passing of relatives during special prayers during the year called yuskor prayers of remembrance which are held on certain of the holidays during the year there's also a custom to visit the graves of people that have passed away at least once a year but the entire system of the laws of mourning is geared toward maintaining the dignity and respect to the person that's passed away and secondly to help the bereaved people process the loss one of the most difficult things is for people to confront the loss of a loved one we know that psychologists tell us that the first stage in mourning is often denial people deny the fact that someone has died and the jewish tradition asks us to do the exact opposite we do everything possible not to deny what's happened we try to confront what's happened and to become very real with our feelings and to work through our feelings and this system of different periods of mourning where there's an intensity of seven days followed by thirty days followed by a whole year helps a person work through their loss come to grip with their feelings and it's an extremely cathartic experience an uplifting experience where hopefully a person is able to both pay on in respect to their loved ones but to also themselves grow through the process in their own comfort as well