 It's taken a really long time to learn how to love myself, but something I still struggle with is when people care about me, it makes me really uncomfortable and I don't know if you can relate to that, but we're going to talk about it in this video. What is up everybody? This is Chris from the Rewired Soul where we talk about the problem, but focus on the solution. And if you're new to my channel, my channel is all about helping you improve your mental and emotional well-being. So if you're into that kind of stuff, make sure you subscribe and ring that notification bell because I make a ton of videos. But yeah, this is something I just wanted to make a video about and it's interesting. So part of mental health, part of improving our mental health is noticing how far we've come, but constantly noticing where we still need improvement. Self love is a big, big, big thing. All right. So what am I talking about? In this situation specifically, I've received just an outpouring of support since I announced that I was laid off from my job on Monday. And like I, you know, a few people knew about it on Monday. I got some messages and things like that. Then on Tuesday, I posted about it on Facebook. I had tons of people leaving comments and stuff. And then today I actually posted on my work Facebook as well as sent a mass text message out to my alumni who I dealt with and just even more love and support and it just makes me so, so, so uncomfortable. All right. Like let's let's talk about when I first noticed this. So a little bit of my story, some of you who know me, you already know this, but I was a drug addict and alcoholic for almost a decade. It was about eight or nine years that I really took control of my life, but I'm also the son of an alcoholic mother. So let's go back even further to my childhood. So something that I've realized and noticed like where a lot of my lack of self love came from and it's hard for me to accept other people loving me is because, you know, when you're the child of an alcoholic parent as a child, you feel that you're doing something wrong. You feel that you're unlovable. Why can't they just stop for me? Things like that, right? So our brain starts to think that we are just unlovable and I've mentioned in a few videos how I've struggled with certain symptoms of borderline personality disorder, but I've never been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. So I just want to make that clear, but there are symptoms that I can relate to, okay, and a lot of those symptoms come from childhood emotional neglect. Okay. So when you're, when you're a child and you have it in your head that you're bad or unlovable, it makes it hard to have relationships as you get older. Now, once my addiction kicked in, I pushed people away. Now I had people who loved and cared about me. I've always had people who love and cared about me, you know, but it's hard for me to believe people. It's hard for me to believe that people actually care about me. But in my addiction, I was just, I became this terrible person. I became an awful person that was undeserving of this love. Like I would self sabotage the things like that, like get away from me because I will ruin you as much as I'm ruining myself. You know what I'm saying? So when I first got clean, you know, a little over six years ago, I started going to 12 step meetings in California. And this is when I first really realized that this was an issue because I got clean and at these meetings in California, they don't do it as much in Las Vegas, or at least I haven't noticed. Like some people still do, but in the recovery community, everybody was hugging me, right? And I'm just like this awesome, like manly man, like don't hug me. I'm too manly for that, you know? And like, I would make me so uncomfortable when people would hug me because that's how they greet you. Oh, hey, glad you're here and give me a big old hug. And I'm just like, uh, stop. And like, I thought it was about them, but upon further reflection of it, it was because of me. It was because of the way I felt about myself. I didn't like being hugged because I didn't feel deserving of a hug. Right? Like when I first got clean, I was just coming out of my rock bottom. I was a terrible person. I hated myself. I was suicidal, all sorts of things. So when people were loving me, it was hard for me to accept that. So over time, and I've done some videos about this, but not enough. I know a lot of you made comments that you want me to do more videos about self love and self compassion. Like make sure you check through my channel because I've made some on those. I've done some meditations on that, all sorts of stuff. But anyways, like I had to learn to love myself through a variety of different methods, you know, I had to congratulate myself on things I do good and all that kind of stuff. And like I've come so far, like I love myself. I accept myself, all these things, you know, like it's amazing. It's such a liberating feeling, but it's just really interesting because even though I've come such a long way, like this outpouring of support for me during this time is making me uncomfortable and I'm like, why? So it's it's weird because there's a little part of that just still in my brain that doesn't think I'm deserving of love. But like, you know, part of this video is I'm going to analyze myself while I'm talking to all of you, because I want you to kind of do the same and kind of like sit back and reflect and see, see what it is. So one of the things is, is that I'm somebody who helps other people, I'm there for other people. That's what I do, you know, it's not the entirety of me, but it's something that I do. It's why I make these YouTube videos. I'm the one that people come to when they're dealing with emotional or mental health issues, you know, people messaging me on Facebook and, you know, on Instagram or in the YouTube comments or emailing me or whatever it is, I'm the one who does that. And like, that's what I'm used to. But when the roles reverse, like I just, I have a hard time accepting it. Like, for example, on Monday when I went into the office and I got let go, like I just kind of snuck out of there. Like I played the tape through my head and I didn't want to have these conversations with everybody and things like that. And one of the things is that I'm realizing as I'm talking, I, I never want to be pitted. I never want anybody to pity me. I don't like people worrying about me. I don't like any of that stuff, you know, and I don't want people to be like, oh, I'm sorry, you know, and stuff like that. And like, it's weird because that's, that's something that we need, you know, if it were you, if I was given this advice to you, I'd be like, just accept it, just take it in. And that's something I'm working really hard on doing. So like, you know, with my clients, for example, I'm not exaggerating when I tell you guys, like I've worked with literally thousands and thousands of people trying to get clean and trying to stay clean. So many people and like one of the reasons I love my job is because I get to or got to make an impact on people's lives and maybe say something, maybe say something that gave them a little bit of hope, just a glimmer of hope that maybe they could quit drinking or using drugs, maybe not only could they do that, but their life can get better. And like, that's what I loved about that job. You know, that's why I love this YouTube channel, just giving people hope, you know, and just especially today, I've just gotten so many text messages and so many Facebook comments and so many things where people are like, Chris, like, I loved your groups the most, Chris, you always smiled and laughed and it brightened my day. Chris, you gave me hope, Chris, you helped save my life, just all these things. And like, I don't know, it's just it's uncomfortable for me, but I need that. And I need to recognize it. I need to save those. My buddy Alex from our pets health, he did a video on my channel months and months and months ago about imposter syndrome. And one of the ways that we get over imposter syndrome is like save those compliments like when we don't think we are who we are trying to portray ourselves as like we need physical evidence. We need proof and the proof is there. Like I do know that I do struggle with imposter syndrome, you know, and and like something that's helping even though it makes me uncomfortable is a lot of people, you know, they're like, man, like you were one of the best there, you know, and all this other stuff. And, you know, I have no hard feelings like you guys. I was just telling my girlfriend, I'm like, I am literally the happiest person to ever get let go of a company. Like, you know, sure, you know, no company you'll ever work for is perfect and things like that. But I always prided myself in loving going to work every day and just working with people and stuff like that. So I have no ill feelings towards my company. Like businesses have to do stuff. I was around in the car industry during the economic downfall in 2008 where people were just getting let go left and right. Like it's something I'm used to. I know companies got to do their thing. It's one of the reasons why I put so much effort into this. Like I want to be 100,000% self supporting and just do my own thing because part of my anxiety is I like to be in control, you know, but anyways, I had great co-workers. A lot of them are texting me and reaching out and so many people just like, are you OK? Are you OK? And again, like it makes me it makes me uncomfortable. And like I just don't like people worrying about me. So hopefully, you know, this video, if any of you are watching this and you're someone who is worried about me like I am phenomenal. I am absolutely amazing. I'm financially OK. I'm mentally OK. My sobriety and my recovery is OK. Like things could not be better. I'm so excited for the future. Right now, I'm just trying to find a balance of how to do everything and like get my schedule down. I missed my online class to become a certified alcohol and drug counselor. Like I totally forgot it yesterday because my my schedule's off. So I get to make that up. Don't worry. I still got an A plus in case you're wondering. But yeah, that's the only thing I'm struggling with, but there's so much more stuff to come. Like those of you who saw my video about me losing my job, like I'm doing I'm working on so many cool things. Again, leave comments down below of topics you want me to touch on. Like just to give you a preview of some stuff I'm I'm going to start doing soon. I'm going to go over to Twitch and I'm going to record my podcast there. So I'm going to live stream it. A lot of people want me to do like a live Q&A type deal. So I want people to start leaving me comments with topics they want me to discuss. So before that like grows and I have live questions, I want to have like a whole bucket filled with questions that I can just answer and fill up, you know, some time. And then I'll release that on podcast platforms. I'm going to sit down and work on some ebook ideas. For those of you who don't know, I already have two ebooks in Amazon. Somebody asked like they don't have a Kindle and they're in the Kindle store on any device, you can download the Kindle app for free and read any Kindle book. So you don't actually need a Kindle. But anyways, I have so much cool stuff planned. Like things are going great for me. But I wanted to make this video just because it's something interesting that we got it. We got to check out with our mental health. Like do we get weird and uncomfortable? Like just because people care about us and because people are worried about us. What is that? Why does that happen? What's going on? Like the first part of solving this issue is acknowledging like what's happening, being mindful, if you will need to make more videos on mindfulness and meditation too. But yeah, anyways, anyways, leave your comments down below with any of the stuff I mentioned or if you have experience with feeling uncomfortable when people love or care about you. All right, I'm really glad I made this video. It's nice. I want I want you guys to get a little bit more, you know, insight into my own mental health, what I do, you know, I I want to teach you guys like what I do on a daily basis and kind of document it because I'm nothing special. I'm nobody special. I have just done a bunch of work over the years to improve my mental health. And that's why I keep my depression and anxiety at bay, my anger issues at bay, all that stuff. My relationships are good. So I want to kind of document it and make videos so you know, I promise you guys I'm going to start up on IGTV. I was actually going to put this on there, but I decided to do it on here because I knew it was going to be a little bit longer than the 10 minute timeframe. Now I'm just babbling. But anyways, follow me on Instagram at the rewired. So follow me on Twitter too at the rewired. So I need to do stuff on Twitter. I don't know. I feel good. How about you? If you feel good, make sure you give this video a thumbs up. All right. But that's all I got. So if you're new here, make sure you subscribe and ring the notification bell. I make a ton of mental health videos and a huge thank you to everybody supporting the channel over on Patreon. You helped me during this time when I am currently unemployed. I love you all. And if you want to support the channel even more, check out some of that amazing rewired soul merch right there. All right. Thanks so much for watching. I'll see you guys next time.