 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show! Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood tonight for your listening pleasure. So, hold on to your chairs, folks, for here they are, Brother Abbott and Hello, Costello! Costello, where have you been? I haven't seen you all week. Oh, Abbott, I've been moving. Moving? I bought a house way out in the country. It's about a mile from my Uncle Otty Steppen's place. What a beautiful ranch, Abbott. I call it the Lumbago Ranch. Lumbago Ranch? Yep, why did you name it Lumbago? Because it's got a creek in the back. Costello, you tell me what do you want with that ranch? I'm going to raise monkeys. Yeah? You're going to ranch to raise monkeys. Sure. You're a nut. Well, what's better for a nut than a monkey ranch? You watch me, folks. Well, well, I knew that line. Thank you. What does that say? Hey, Abbott. Is that a picture of the ranch? You took the words right out of my mouth. Let me see it. Let's see it. What's that little house in the back? That's the garage. I'll bet you thought I was going to say the smokehouse. Well, you want yourself a new house, eh? What conditions is it in? What? What condition is it in? Oh, wonderful conditions. Well, that's well. I just had a painted and it didn't cost me a cent. A doctor painted it for nothing. A doctor painted your house for nothing? Right. Wait a minute. How do you know it was a doctor? There's a roof and big red letters. It says Dr. Pepper. Just a minute, Costella. Who showed you that? No, I don't know. Listen, who showed you this house? Well, I got the house through a Mr. Crow. Mr. Crow? Yeah. In order to get the house, they told me I'd have to go through E.S. Crow. Please, please, please, that's S. Crow. That means you bothered through with a bank. Does the bank have a lien on your house? Does the bank have a what? A lien on your house. No, if the bank had a lien on my house, it would fall down. And now I'm talking about a mortgage. Who holds the paper on your house? Nobody holds the paper on my house. The paper's stuck on a wall with clues. All right, never mind that. Well, what kind of a place did you buy? Do you have a polio? I beg your pardon? You have a polio. It's much better. Now let's not get personal. Well, now listen, please, I mean a polio with a barbecue. I do all my cooking in my polio. I know you when you didn't have a polio to cook in. Look, Godzilla, don't you know anything about your new house? Didn't you even have it inspected? Despected for what? Very for floors. You might have floors in your house. Of course I got floors. First floor to second floor. No, no, no, no, no, no. You think I walked on a ceiling? No, no, no. Have I got floors in my house? All right, never mind that. What period is your house? What period? Yes. Did you buy a period house? No, I bought a house period. Well, I'm trying to find out if your house is Spanish or French or English. It's fairly American. How do you know? I found a couple of dead Indians in a cellar. Look, Godzilla, you can generally tell what kind of a house it is by the roof. Is the roof single or tiled? Oh, sure. It's one of those... What did you say? Is your roof single? Certainly a single. Whoever heard of a married roof? Godzilla, will you please talk, then? Is your roof single or did you have it tiled? Abbott, what are you saying? When you're single, you can't have a tiled? Now, wait a minute. Only married people can have a tiled. No, Godzilla, please, please. I'm talking about your rooftop. My what-top rooftop? Roof, roof, roof, roof, roof, roof. I can't hear you. That's a dog barking someplace. Can you cut it out? Look, Godzilla, did you notice if it was tile on top of your roof? No. What would a tile be doing on top of my house? No, no, no, no. I'm not talking about a tiled roof. A tiled roof is held together by mortar. By what? By mortar. Mortar. Don't you know what mortar is? It's certainly. My mortar is the woman that married my mortar. Now, you've done me the tile and the mortar keeps the house dry. At my house, it's my mortar that keeps her tile dry. But I'm trying to tell you that the mortar holds the tile on the roof. What kind of a mortar would hold a tile on a roof? I'm all that stupid idiots. I'm trying to tell you that the tile is plastered on the roof. Now, there's a pretty picture. A little tile plastered on a roof. Where did he get the stuff from? What's that? It's against the law to sell that stuff to children. The tile is plastered on the roof with mortar. What kind of family is that? The mortar and the little tile plastered on the roof. Where is the mortar? He ought to be looking after his mortar and the steel. Just a minute, please. Let me explain. Now, I have a tile roof on my house. You also have a tiled head on your totem. No, no, no. Don't interrupt. Now, when the roof is tiled, they spread the tile on the roof, then plastered with mortar. That tile runs across the roof and down to the gutter. So that in case of a shower, the tile drains into a Piper's spout and keeps everybody in the house from getting soaked. That's enough. I am certainly glad I found you out. Found me out. You heard me. What do you mean? I didn't mind so much when you said a shingle roof could have a tile. I didn't even care when you said the tile was up on top of my house. But when you had the nerve and you said that poor little tile was taking a shower with a pipe in his mouth and running down the gutter that could plaster with his mortar, then only have you attacked the American home, but you have impugned on the Bill of Rights and cast asparagus on the Atlantic Charter. Well, here we are, Abbott. This is my new home. Oh, boy, Abbott, since you and me have been pals for so many years, I'm going to ask you to move in here with me. Well, God, that's mighty sweet of you. And I want to know that I'll be very happy to live here with you the rest of my life. You will? Now, will you carry me across the threshold? Well, please, come on. Get down and stop acting silly. Let's go in and look the house over. Come on. Now, the first thing I want to see is my room. Have you got a room for me with a bath? Abbott, we're in the country. Way out in the country. Oh, we got us a room with a bath. Castello, are you crazy? You mean to tell me that you bought a house without a bathtub? Why do we need a bathtub? We're only going to stay here during the winter. Castello, I have to have a bath. Well, you can take a bath in the sink. It'll save us the cost of a maid. Oh, how can I save the cost of a maid by taking a bath in the sink? You can wash yourself in the dishes at the same time. Look, Castello, you can count me out. I'm not going to live in a house without a bathtub. You haven't even got a bathroom. Don't get excited, Abbott. We'll put the bath tub at the end of the dining room. But you won't have any room between you. What if people are sitting at the table? Let them turn their backs. But please, talk, Castello. In the first place, you can't get a bathtub without a priority. The head of the OPA has frozen tubs. He has frozen tubs? Absolutely. Poor man, he should wear heavier underwear. No, no, no. I mean, you can buy a tub without an OK from the ration board. Abbott, that's easy. I'll call them right up. Let's do it. Good afternoon, OPA, ration board. If you haven't got it, try and get it. Look, lady, I just bought a house up in the country. And it ain't got no bathroom. Well, why don't you bathe in the spring? I can't wait till the spring. I'm going to a dance Saturday night. Well, I don't know why Mr. Fawcett. I'm not afraid you'll find him, but why not a player? Hello, Fawcett leaking. I'm speaking. Get him right, William Niles. Get him right. Hello, this is Luke Castello. I'd like to have a bath. How long has it been since you had one? Hey, wait a minute. I didn't call up to hear you dribble, Fawcett. I'm trying to get a new top. Well, I'm sorry. The only tops we're releasing are for commercial purposes. Do you take in washing? What do you mean take in washing? I never washed in my life. Well, in that case, it's nice of you to make this call by phone. Goodbye. Because, fellow, I told you you couldn't get a bathtub. That's what you think. Now just watch this. I'll get something. Hello, was this the Acme junkyard? Yes. Are you alive, brother? Am I talking to somebody? Yes. Thank you. I know you're there. I hear you're breathing. I'd like to get a second-hand bathtub. You'd like to get a second-hand bathtub? How long is the second-hand tub? All you want is a second-hand tub. Are you sure that's all? You asked me for a date with my wife. Okay, but one thing at a time. That's the fellow I tell you you'll never get a tub. I've got to try just once more. Stick around. Hey, Jack, plumbing company. Oh, this is a dead cast tonight, ain't it? Is this the plumber? No, this is the plumber's friend. That's all right, brother. I'll talk to you. I'm a plunge of myself. Have you got a used bathtub down there? No, we haven't. Why don't you look in this morning's paper? Why? Did somebody advertise a bathtub? No, but Dick Tracy's in a terrible mess. Oh, come on, Costello. Look, I'll get you a bathtub. We're going downtown to the swap shop. Well, here's a swap shop, Costello. Let's go in and buy a bathtub. Come on. Hey, I'm Joe Grande. It's swapping. I am Dende. Go on, friend, Kitzel. Yes, sir, comrade and gentleman, welcome to Kitzel Hill Swapping Shopping. Could I interest you in a beautiful and faucet painting that came all the way from Buffalo, Rome? Just a minute, Kitzel. Buffalo is in New York. There is no Buffalo, Rome. You mean you never went to give me a home? Where the buffalo home? a deer on the Antelope. West Elgin has heard an encouraging word, and they break you unencompassed. All right, I'm going to start. All right, please, please, cut it out, cut it out. Kitzel, have you got an old cub around here? Yes, but she's busy doing my ovaries. You want to get her to iron you, Kitzel? You're all washed up. I'm all washed up. Listen, Kitzel, Costello needs a bathtub for his new house. Do you happen to have one? Oh, have I got a bathtub? Gentlemen, just step over here and gaze on this beautiful piece of merchandise. What's a bathtub? You mean that broken-down thing over there? That tub must be 100 years old. Costello, how can you tell the age of a bathtub? I counted the rings around it. No, no, no, Costello, that's a very nice tub. Oh, it is, is it? Look at those funny-looking legs on it. Are you going to wash it or dance with it? This tub is a genuine antique and it was handed down from the Revolutionary War. Just a minute, Kitzel, there's a big crack in the enamel. Well, that crack proves that it's an antique. How did it happen? George Washington slipped here. But, but, but don't worry, the lady who owns the tub said she'll have the crack fixed. Of course she meant it, because she wouldn't have had it. My line, thank you. Kitzel, I used to think you were dope, but I've changed my mind. Eh, what do you think of me now? You're a full-fledged apprentice moron, junior grade. Oh, Costello, we're wasting time. Look, how much do you want for the tub, Kitzel? $13. I'll give you $8, $8 for this magnificent tub, why I wouldn't even sell it to my own brother for $8. Just a sec, just a sec. I'll give you $8 for that tub. What does it give me, no? Who is that? My brother. How come he talks with such an accent? I can't understand it, I never leave him out of my sight. Well, come, come, Kitzel, I said $14 for the tub and $14 it is. You see, I have only one price. I'll give you 10. That's my price, so for $10. And there will be $35 for delivery. $35 for delivery? No, you don't, Kitzel. I'll take the tub home myself on top of my car. Come on, Abbot, help me carry it out to the car. Costello, how can we carry this tub out to the car? It weighs over a thousand pounds. We'll make two trips. And now back to Abbot and Costello. Costello has just bought a second-hand bathtub and in order to save himself the cost of delivery, he's holding it home on top of his car. As we find him now, Abbot is at the wheel and Costello is on top of the car sitting in the bathtub to balance it. What a picture. One tub sitting in another. Hey, how are you getting along up there, Costello? Are you having trouble holding the tub on the top of the car? Yeah, Abbot, don't try so fast. The tub is not going to fall off. I don't want to put another crack in my enamel. Never mind that. Are you comfortable sitting in the tub? No, it's awfully chilly up here. Hand me up the stopper for the tub. Stopper, what for? Here's a little drafty around the drain. Over all those bumps. Oh, I'm trying to knock the ashes off my camel cigarette. Abbot, will you watch where you're driving? Look out! Look out! What happened? Blow bridge. How will you watch? What's the trouble, officer? And what's the trouble? What do you think you're doing right around the street sitting on tub your car in the bathtub? Have you tried to find an apartment lately? Don't get friends with me, young man. Or come up there and scrub your back with this cloth. Oh, yeah? Just because you got a uniform on, you keep your top. Take your coat off. Just once, brother. Oh, my God, my coat's off. What about it? Much cooler that way, isn't it? Look, officer, we just bought a bathtub and we're in a hurry to get it home. I can't help that. And have to give your best friend a ticket for a decent explorer. What do you mean? I'm sitting in a tub but all you can see is my face. That's what I said in decent exposures! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha! Don't get along with you. Well, here we are, castle. Home and glass. Now, how are you going to get this big tub into the house? Abbot, you leave it to me. I'll back across my neighbor's lawn and put the tub in through the dining room window. If that tub is too big, it won't go through the window. Abbot, will you please let me handle this? Easy, wasn't it? What do you mean? I try not to get it through. Just a minute, just a minute! Why are you driving across my lawn with that car? Why, look at you! He ripped up my grass! Get back to the house before I fracture your hollyhocks! Now, now, castle. Please don't talk like that. Just room into your neighbor. Remember the old saying, you should love your neighbor. Okay? No, you both put me down! Castle! Do you want me to call my father? No, thanks. I don't think he'd appeal to me. No. Come on, castle. Let's go in the house and connect it up. Now, the first thing we have to do is to connect the pipes to the main. The main what? The water main. Where's the water main? I don't know, but the milk main will be here tomorrow. I'm talking about the water main. What runs under the ground from the street to your house? Go first. Hello, fellas! Now, what do you want? Now, we're busy. No, I heard you bought a bathtub, castle. I thought I'd help you install it. You know, I come from a mechanical family. Mechanical family is right. They're all wound up in jerky. Oh, bring it up. Bring it up, castle. I'm going down the basement and connect the pipes from the tub to the hot water heater. You borrow a hole in the floor and shove the pipes down through. Okay, Niles, you heard them. Now, you're going to help me. Hand me that drill. I got to pour this hole. Hey, you must do a lot of this work, Castello. Oh, I wouldn't say a great deal. Oh, I don't know. People say they always find you boring. Hey, Castello, what are you doing up there? Pour that hole and put the pipe through. I don't have to pour a hole, ever. I found a couple of holes in the floor already. Oh, wait a minute. You can't use those. Those are not holes. What do you mean they're not holes? They look like holes to me. Castello, they are holes, but they're not holes. How can they be holes if they're not holes? Well, Castello, a not hole is a hole, but it's not like a hole that's not a not hole. This guy can't even go down in the basement without starting a routine. Hey, Evan, who's on first? Oh, no, no, no, no. I like that routine better than the one you started. Look, look, Castello. Look, will you please shove those pipes down through the hole in the floor? Where are you, Evan? Look through the hole. You can see me. Hey, Evan, how you changed? Where did you get those little beady eyes and that mustache? You're looking in the wrong hole. That's all right. Well, there is a strong family resemblance. Here comes the pipes, Evan. Okay, I'll connect them to the hot water heater. You can get ready to take your bath. Oh, boy, just think of it. My first bath in my new house. Excuse me, Ken. While I get in the tub and turn on a shower. Are you ready, Evan? All righty. You can turn the water on. Oh, boy, I'm seeing the rain. I'm sliding down into the rain. Oh, what? Oh, oh, oh. I can't see you, Castello. Everything has suddenly gone black. The black is me. Evan connected the tub.