 Chapter 15 of Esther Waters This is a library box recording All library box recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer Please visit librarybox.org According by Peter Abraham Esther Waters by George Maugh Chapter 15 I wish mother, you was going to the hospital with me It would save a lot of expense And you'd be better cared for I'd like to be with you dearie But I can't leave my home All these young children about And no one to give an order I must stop where I am But I've been intending to tell you It is time you was thinking about your letter What letter mother? They don't take you without a letter from one of the subscribers If I was you Now that the weather is fine And you have the strength for the walk I'd go up to Queen Charlotte's Up the edge of a roadway I think What do you think about tomorrow? Tomorrow's Sunday That makes no matter Them hospitals is open I'll go tomorrow when we have washed up On Friday Esther had had to give her father more money for drink She gave him two shillings And that made a sovereign that he had had from her On Saturday night He had been brought home helplessly drunk Long after midnight And next morning One of the girls had to fetch him a drop of something To pull him together He had lain in bed until dinner time Swearing he would brain anyone who made the least noise Even the Sunday dinner A nice beef steak pudding Hardly tempted him And he left the table saying If he could find Tom Carter They would take a penny boat And go for a blow on the river The whole family waited for his departure But he lingered Not inconsistently And several times Mrs. Saunders And the children gave up hope Esther sat without a word He called her a sulkie brute And snatching up his hat left the house The moment he was gone The children began to chatter like birds Esther put on her hat and jacket I'm going mother Well, take care of yourself Good luck to you Esther smiled sadly Beautiful weather melted on her lips Her lungs swelled with the warm air And she noticed the sparrow that flew across the cab rank And saw the black dot pass down a muse And disappear under the eaves It was a warm day in the middle of April A mist of green had begun in the branches Of the Elms of the Green Park And in Park Lane In all the balconies and gardens Wherever nature could find root hold A spray of gentle green met the eye There was music too in the air And the sound of fives and drums And all along the roadway As far as she could see The rapid movement of assembling crowds A procession with banners was turning The corner of the edgeway road And the policeman had stopped The traffic to allow it to pass The principal banner blew out blue And gold in the wind And the men that bore the poles Walked with strained backs under the weight The music changed It was about the objects of the demonstration Were exchanged And it was some time before Esther Could gain the policeman's attention At last the conductor rang his bell And the omnibus started And gathering courage she asked the way It seemed to her that everyone was noticing her And fearing to be overheard She spoke so low that the policeman Understood her to say, Charlotte Street At that moment an omnibus Drew up close beside them Charlotte Street, Charlotte Street Said the policeman There's Charlotte Street, Bloomsbury Before Esther could answer He had turned to the conductor You don't know any Charlotte Street about here do you? No I don't But can't you see it ain't no Charlotte Street she wants But Queen Charlotte's hospital And he'd better lose no time In directing her A roar of course laughter Created this pleasantry And burning with shame she hurried down the edgeway road But she had not gone far Before she had to ask again And she scanned the passes by Seeking some respectable woman Or in default an innocent child She came at last to an ugly desert place There was the hospital Square, forbidding And opposite a tall lean building With long grey columns Esther rang and the great door Some 15 feet high Was opened by a small boy I want to see the secretary Will you come this way I have flown into a waiting room And while waiting she looked at the religious prints On the walls A lad of 15 or 16 came in He said You want to see the secretary Yes But I'm afraid you can't see him He's out I have come a long way Is there no one else I can see Yes you can see me I'm his clerk Have you come to be confined But said the boy You are not in labour We never take anyone in before I do not expect to be confined For another month I came to make arrangements You've got a letter No Then you must get a letter From one of the subscribers But I don't know any You can have a book Of their names and addresses But I know no one I didn't know them You can go and call Take those that live nearest That's the way it is done Then will you give me the book I'll go and get one The boy returned a moment after With a small book For which he demanded a shilling Since she had come to London Her hand had never been out of her pocket She had her money with her She did not dare leave it at home On account of her father The clerk looked out the addresses for her And she tried to remember them Two were in Cumberland Place Another was in Bryan Stone Square In Cumberland Place She was received by an elderly lady Who said she did not wish To judge anyone But it was her invariable practice To give letters only to married women There was a delicate smell Of perfume in the room The lady stirred the fire And lay back in her armchair Once or twice Esther tried to withdraw But the lady, all together Unswervingly faithful to her principles Seemed not indifferent to Esther's story And asked her many questions I don't see what interest All that can be to you As you ain't going to give me a letter Esther answered The next house she called at The lady was not at home But she was expected back presently And the maid servant asked her To take a seat in the hall But when Esther refused Information about her troubles She was called a stuck up thing Who deserved all she got And was told there was no use her waiting At the next place she was Received by a footman Who insisted on her communicating her business To him Then he said he would see if his master was in He wasn't in He must have just gone out The best time to find him was before Half past ten in the morning He'll be sure to do all he can for you He always do For the good looking ones How did it happen What business is that of yours I don't ask your business Well you needn't turn that rusty At that moment The master entered He asked Esther to come Into his study He was a tall, youngish looking man Of three or four and thirty With bright eyes and hair And there was in his voice And manner a kindness That impressed Esther She wished however That she had seen his mother instead of him For she was more than ever ashamed Of her condition He seemed genuinely sorry for her And regretted that he had given All his tickets away Then a thought struck him And he wrote a letter to one of his friends A banker In Lincoln's Inn Fields One gentleman he said Was a large subscriber to the hospital And would certainly give her the letter she required He hoped that Esther would get through her trouble All right The wizard bought a little comfort into the girl's heart And thinking of his kind eyes She walked slowly Inquiring out her way Until she got back to the marble arch And stood looking down the long base water road The lamps were beginning in the light And the tall houses towered above the sunset Esther watched the spectral city And some sensation Of the poetry of the hour Must have stolen into her heart For she turned into the park Choosing to walk there Upon its dim green gray The scattered crowds were like strips of black tape Here and there by the railings The tape had been wound up in a black ball And the peg was of some democratic orator Promising poor human nature Unconditional deliverance from evil Further on Were heard sounds from a harmonium And hymns were being sung And in each doubting face There was something of the perplexing, haunting look Which the city bore A chill wind was blowing Winter had returned with the night But the instinct of spring Continued in the branches The deep sweet scent Of the hyacinth Floated along the railings And the lovers that sat On each other On every seat For of Esther's own class She would have liked to have called them round her And told them her miserable story So they might profit from her experience End of Chapter 15 Chapter 16 of Esther Waters This is a library walks recording All library walks recordings are in the public domain For more information Or to volunteer Please visit librarywalks.org Recording by Peter Abraham Esther Waters by George Moore Chapter 16 No more than three weeks now remain Between her and the dreaded day She had hoped to spend them with her mother Who was now timorous and despondent And stood in need of consolation But this was not to be Her father's drunkenness continued And daily he became more Extortionate in his demands for money Esther had not six pounds left And she felt that she must leave It had come to this That she doubted if she were to stay on that The clothes on her back might not be taken from her Mrs. Saunders was of the same opinion And she urged Esther to go But scruples restrained her I can't bring myself to leave you mother Something tells me I should stay with you It is dreadful to be parted from you I wish you was coming to the hospital You'd be far safer there than at home I know that dearie But why is the good in talking about it I wish you were coming to the hospital You'd be far safer there than at home But why is the good in talking about it It only makes it harder to bear You know I can't leave It is terrible hard as you says Mrs. Saunders held her apron to her eyes and cried You have always been a good girl Never a better My one consolation since your poor father died Don't cry mother said Esther The Lord will watch over us And we shall both pray for each other In about a month dear We shall both be quite well And you'll bless my baby And I shall think of the time When I shall put him into your arms I hope so Esther I hope so But I am full of fears I am so afraid that we shall never see one another again Least of ways on this earth Oh mother dear You mustn't talk like that You'll break my heart That you will The cab that took Esther to her lodgings Lost half a crown And this waste of money frightened her thrifty nature Inherited through centuries of working folk The waste however Had ceased to last And it was none too soon she thought As she sat in the room she had taken near the hospital In a little eight roomed house Kept by an old woman Whose son was a bricklayer It was at the end of the week one afternoon As Esther was sitting alone in her room That they came within her a great and sudden shock Life seemed to be slipping from her And she sat for some minutes Quite unable to move She knew that her time had come And when the pain seized She went downstairs to consult Mrs. Jones Hadn't I better go to the hospital now Mrs. Jones Not just yet my dear Them is but the first labour pains Plenty of time to think of the hospital We shall see how you are in a couple of hours Will it last so long as that You'll be lucky if you get it over Before midnight I have been down for longer than that Do you mind my stopping in the kitchen With you I feel frightened when I am alone No I'll be glad of your company I'll get you some tea presently I could not touch anything Oh this is dreadful She exclaimed And she walked to and fro holding her sights Balancing herself dolefully Often Mrs. Jones stopped in her work About the range And said looking at her I know what it is I have been through it many a time We all must It is our earthly lot About 7 o'clock Esther was clinging to the table And with pain so vivid on her face That Mrs. Jones laid aside the sausages She was cooking And approached the suffering girl What? Is it so bad as all that Oh she said I think I am dying I cannot stand up Give me a chair And she sank down upon it Leaning across the table Her face and neck bathed in a cold sweat John will have to get his supper himself I'll leave these sausages on the hob And run upstairs and put on my bonnet The things you intend to bring with you The baby clothes Are made up in a bundle aren't they Yes yes Little Mrs. Jones came running down She threw a shawl over Esther And it was astonishing what support She lent to the suffering girl Calling on her the whole time to lean on her And not to be afraid Now then dear, you must keep your heart up We have only a few yards further to go You are too good You are too kind Esther said And she leaned against the wall And Mrs. Jones rang the bell Keep up your spirits Tomorrow it will all be over Come round and see how you are The door opened The porter rang the bell And her sister came running down Come come, take my arm she said And breathe hard as you are ascending the stairs Come along, you mustn't loiter On the second landing A door was thrown open And she found herself in a room full of people Eight or nine young men and women What? In there And all those people said Esther Of course, those are the midwives and the students She saw that the scream she had heard in the passage Came from a bed on the left hand side A woman lay there Huddled up in the midst of her terror Esther was taken behind a screen By the sister who had brought her upstairs And quickly undressed She was clothed in a chemise A great deal too big for her And a jacket which was also many sizes too large She remembered hearing the sister Say so at the time Both windows were wide open And as she walked across the room She noticed the basins on the floor The lamp on the round table And the glint of steel instruments The students and the nurses were behind her She knew they were eating sweets For she heard a young man Ask the young women If they would have any more fondants They chatted and laughed a jar on her nerves But at that moment her pains began again And she saw the young man whom she had seen Handing the sweets Approaching her bedside Oh no, not him, not him She cried to the nurse Not him, not him He is too young Don't let him come near me They laughed loudly And she buried her head in the pillow Overcome with pain and shame And when she felt him by her She tried to rise from the bed Let me go Take me away Oh, you are all beasts Come, come, no nonsense Said the nurse You can't have what you like They are here to learn And when he had tried the pains She heard the midwife say That it wasn't necessary to send for the doctor Another said It would be all over in about 3 hours time An easy confinement I should say The other will be more interesting Then they talked of the place they had seen And those they wished to see A discussion arose regarding the merits Of the killing novel which everyone was reading And then Esther heard a stampede Of nurses, midwives and students In the direction of the window A German band had come into the street Is that the way to leave Your patient sister Said the student who sat by Esther's bed A good looking boy with a fair Plump face Esther looked into his clear blue Girl like eyes Wondered and turned away for shame The sister stopped her imitation Of a popular comedian and said Oh, she's alright If they were all like her, there'd be very little use Are coming here Unfortunately, that's just what they are Said another student A stout fellow with a pointed red beard The ends of which bought the light Esther's eyes often went to those Stubble ends And she hated him for his loud voice And jocularity One of the midwives A woman with a long nose and small grey eyes Seemed to mock her And Esther hoped that this woman Would not come near her She felt she could not bear her touch There was something sinister in her face And Esther was glad when her favourite A little blonde woman With wavy flaxen hair Came and asked her if she felt better She looked a little like the young student Who still sat by her bedside And Esther wondered if they were brother and sister And then she thought That they were sweethearts Soon after a bell rang And the students went down to supper The nurse in charge, promising to warn them If any change should take place The last pains had so thoroughly exhausted her That she fell into a dose But she could hear the chatter Of the nurses so clearly That she did not believe herself asleep And in this film of sleep Reality was distorted And the unsuccessful operation Which the nurses were discussing Esther understood to be a conspiracy She awoke, listened And gradually sense of truth Returned to her She was in the hospital The nurses were talking of someone Who had died last week That poor woman in the other bed Seemed to suffer dreadfully Would she live through it Would she herself live to see the morning How long the time How fearful the place If the nurses would only stop talking The pains would soon begin again It was awful to lie listening Waiting The windows were open And the mocking gaity of the street Was born in on the night wind Then there came a trampling of feet And sound of voices in the passage The students and nurses were coming up From supper And at the same moment the pains began To creep up from her knees One of the young men said That her time had not come The woman with the sinister look That Esther dreaded Held a contrary opinion The point was argued And interested in the question The crowd came from the window And collected around the disputants The young man expounded much medical And anatomical knowledge The nurses listened with the usual Deference of women Suddenly the discussion was interrupted By a scream from Esther It seemed to her that she was being torn That life was going from her The nurse ran to her side A look of triumph came upon her face And she said, now we shall see who's right And forewith ran for the doctor He came running up the stairs Immediately silence and scientific Collectedness gathered around Esther And after a brief examination He said in a low whisper I'm afraid this will not be as easy A case as one might have imagined I shall administer chloroform He placed a small wire Case over her mouth and nose And the sickly odor Which she breathed from the cotton wool Filled her brain with nausea It seemed to choke her And then life faded And at every inhalation She expected to lose sight Of the circle of faces When she opened her eyes The doctors and nurses were still standing Around her But there was no longer any expression Of eager interest on their faces So I wondered at this change And then out of the silence There came a tiny cry What's that? Esther asked That's your baby My baby Let me see it Is it a boy or a girl? It is a boy It will be given to you When we get you out of the labour ward I knew it would be a boy Then a scream of pain Rent the stillness of the room Here when I first came in Hasn't she been confined yet? No, and I don't think she will be Till midday She's very bad The door was thrown open And Esther was wheeled into the passage She was like a convalescent plant Trying to lift its leaves To the strengthening light But within this twilight of nature The thought of another life Now in the world grew momentarily More distinct Where is my boy? She said Give him to me The nurse entered and answered Here, a pulp of red flesh Rolled up in flannel Was laid alongside of her Its eyes were open It looked at her And her flesh filled with a sense of happiness So deep and so intense That she was like one enchanted When she took the child in her arms She thought she must die of happiness She did not hear the nurse speak Nor did she understand her When she took the babe from her arms And laid it alongside on the pillow Saying, You must let the little thing sleep You must try to sleep yourself Her personal self Seemed entirely withdrawn She existed like an atmosphere about the babe An impersonal emanation of love She lay absorbed in this life of her life This flesh of her flesh Unconscious of herself And she lay absorbed in her life Unconscious of herself As a sponge in warm seawater She touched this pulp of life And was thrilled And once more her senses swooned with love It was still there She remembered that the nurse had said it was a boy She must see her boy And her hands Working as in a dream Unwound him And delirious with love She gazed until he awoke and cried She tried to hush him And to infold him But her strength failed She could not help him And fear came lest he should die She strove to reach her hands to him But all strength had gone from her And his cries Sounded hollow in her weak brain Then the nurse came and said See what you have done The poor child is all uncovered No wonder he is crying I will wrap him up And you must not interfere with him again But as soon as the nurse turned away Esther had her child back in her arms She did not sleep She could not sleep For thinking of him And the long night passed In adoration End of chapter 16 Chapter 17 of Esther Waters This is a library box recording All library box recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer Please visit librarybox.org Recording by Peter Abraham Esther Waters by George Moe Chapter 17 She was happy Her babe lay beside her All her joints were loosened And the long hospital days Passed in gentle weariness Lady visitors came and asked questions Esther said that her father and mother Lived in the Wauxhall Bridge Road And she admitted that she had saved 4 pounds There were two beds in this ward And the woman who offered her child Was in the hospital There were two beds in this ward And the woman who occupied the second bed Declared herself to be destitute Without home or money or friends She secured all sympathy And promises of help And Esther was looked upon as a person Who did not need assistance And ought to have known better They received visits from a clergyman He spoke to Esther of God's goodness And wisdom But his exhortation seemed a little remote And Esther was sad and ashamed And more deeply stirred Had it been her own people Who came and knelt about her bed Lifting their voices in plain prayers That she was accustomed to It might have been different But this well-to-do clergyman With a sophisticated speech Seemed foreign to her And failed to draw her thoughts From the sleeping child The night day passed But Esther recovered slowly And it was decided that she would not leave the hospital She crossed the threshold of the hospital there There would be no more peace for her And she was frightened as she listened To the never-ending rumble of the street She spent whole hours thinking of her dear mother And longing for some news from home And her face brightened When she was told that her sister had come to see her Jenny, what has happened? Is mother very bad? Mother is dead That's what I've come to tell you I'd have come before but Mother dead Oh no Jenny Oh Jenny, not my poor mother Yes Esther I knew it would cut you up dreadful We was all very sorry But she's dead She's dead a long time now Jenny, what do you mean dead a long time? Well, she was buried more than a week ago We were so sorry you couldn't be at the funeral We was all there And had crepe on our dresses And father had crepe on his hat We all cried, especially in church And about the grave And when the sexton threw in the soil It sounded that hollow It made me sob Julia, she lost her head And asked to be buried with mother And I had to lead her away And then we went home to dinner Oh Jenny, our poor mother Gone from us forever How did she die? Tell me, was it a peaceful death? Did she suffer? There ain't much to tell Especially after you was with us the last time Mother was that bad all day long And all night too We could hardly stop in the house It gave one just the creeps To listen to her crying in mourning And then Why? Then the baby was born It was dead And mother died of weakness Prostration the doctor called it Esther hid her face in the pillow Jenny waited And an anxious look of self began to appear A vulgar London street face Look here Esther You can cry when I've gone I have a deal to say dear And time is short Oh Jenny, don't speak like that Father, was he kind to mother? I don't know that he thought much about it He spent half his time in the public he did He said he couldn't abide the house With a woman screaming like that One of the neighbors came in to look after mother And at last she had the doctor Esther looked at her sister Through streaming tears And the woman in the other bed Alluded to the folly of poor women Being confused in their own homes In a home where there is a drunken husband And most homes is like that nowadays At that moment Esther's baby awoke crying for the breast The little lips caught at the nipple The wee ant pressed against the white curve And in a moment Esther's face Took that expression of holy solitude Which Raphael sublimated In the virgin's downward gazing eyes Jenny watched the gluttonous lips Interested in the spectacle And yet absorbed in what she had come to say to her sister Your baby do look healthy Yes, and he is too Not an ache or a pain He's as beautiful a boy has ever lived But think of poor mother Jenny Think of poor mother I do think of her Esther But I can't help seeing your baby He's like you Esther I can see a look of you in his eyes But I can't help seeing your baby I can see a look of you in his eyes But I don't know that I should care To have a baby myself The expense comes a very heavy on a poor girl Please God, my baby shall never want For anything as long as I can work for him But Jenny My trouble will be a lesson to you I hope you will always be a good girl And never allow yourself to be led away You promise me? Yes, I promise A home like ours A drunken father And now that poor mother is gone It will be worse than ever Jenny you are the eldest And you must do your best to look after the younger ones And as much as possible to keep father From the public house I shall be away The moment I am well enough I must look out for a place That's what I came to speak to you about Father is going to Australia He is that tired of England And as he lost his situation On the railway He has made up his mind to emigrate It is pretty well all arranged He has been to an agency And they say he will have to pay 2 pounds a head And that runs to a lot of money In a big family like ours So I am likely to get left For father says that I am old enough To look after myself He is willing to take me if I get the money Not without That's what I came to tell you about Esther understood that Jenny had come To ask for money She could not give it And lapsed into thinking of the sudden loss Of all her family She did not know where Australia was She fancied that she had once heard That it took months to get there But she knew that they were all going From her They were going out on the sea In a great ship that would sail And sail further and further away She could see the ship from her bedside At first strangely distinct Alive with hands and handkerchiefs She could distinguish all the children Jenny, Julia And little Ethel She lost sight of their faces As the ship cleared the harbour Soon after the ship was far away On the great rounds of water Again a little while And all the streaming canvas Not larger than a gull's wing Again a little while And the last speck on the horizon Hesitated and disappeared What are you crying about Esther I never saw her cry before It do seem that odd I'm so weak Mother's death has broken my heart And now to know that I shall never see Any one of you again It do seem odd We shall miss you sadly But I was going to say that father Can't take me unless I find two pounds You won't see me stranded will you Esther I cannot give you the money Jenny Father has had too much of my money already There's hardly enough to see me through I've only four pounds left I cannot give you my child's money God knows how we shall live Until I get to work again You're nearly well now But if you can't help me You can't I don't know what's to be done Father can't take me if I don't find the money You say the agency wants two pounds For each person Yes that's it And I have four We might both go if it weren't for the baby But I don't suppose they'd make any charge For a child on the breast I don't know There's father, you know what he is That's true He don't want me I'm not one of his But Jenny dear It is terrible to be left all alone Poor mother dead And all of you going to Australia The conversation paused Esther changed the baby from the left To the right breast And Jenny tried to think what she had Best say to induce her sister To give her the money she wanted If you don't give me the money I shall be left It is hard luck, that's all For there's fine chances for a girl They say it's out in Australia If I remain here I don't know what will become of me You had better look out for a situation We shall see each other from time to time It's a pity you don't know a bit of cooking Enough to take the place of a kitchen maid I only know that dog making And I've had enough of that You can always get a situation As general servant in a lodging house Service in a lodging house Not me You know what that is I'm surprised that you would ask me Well what are you thinking of doing I was thinking of going on In the pantomime As one of the extra ladies If they'll have me Oh Jenny, you won't do that Will you A theatre is only sinfulness As we have always known You know that I don't hold With all them preachy preachy brethren Says about the theatre I can't argue I have in the strength And it interferes with the milk And then as if prompted by Some association of ideas I hope Jenny that you'll take example by me And will do nothing foolish You'll always be a good girl Yes, if I get the chance I'm sorry to hear you speak like that And poor mother only just dead The words that rose to Jenny's lips were A nice one you are With a baby at your breast To come lecturing me But fearing Esther's temper She checked the dangerous words And said instead I didn't mean that I was going on the streets Right away this very evening Only that a girl left alone in London Without anyone to look to May go wrong in spite of herself As it were A girl never need go wrong If she does it is always her own fault Esther spoke mechanically But suddenly remembering Her own circumstances she said I'd give you the money if I did But for the child's sake I mustn't You can afford it well enough I wouldn't ask you if you couldn't You'll be earning a pound a week Presently A pound a week What do you mean Jenny You can get that as Wet nurse in your food too How do you know that Jenny A friend of mine who was here last year Told me she got it And you can get it too if you like Fancy a pound for the next 6 months And everything found You might spare me the money And let me go to Australia with the others I'd give you the money If what you said was true You can easily find out What I say is the truth by sending for the matron Shall I go fetch her I won't be a minute You'll see what she says A few moments after Jenny returned with a good looking middle aged woman On her face there was that Tasty and perplexed look That comes of much business and many interruptions Before she opened her lips Her face had said Come what is it Be quick about it Father and the others is going to Australia Mother's dead and was buried last week So father says there's nothing to keep him here For there is better prospects out there But he says he can't take me For the agency wants two pounds ahead And it was all he could do To find the money for the others He is just short of two pounds And as I am the eldest barring Esther Who is his stepdaughter He says that I better remain That I am old enough to get my own living Which is very hard on a girl For I am only just turned 16 So I thought I would come up here And tell my sister But my good girl What has all of this got to do with me I can't give you two pounds to go to Australia You are only wasting my time for nothing Hear me out mrs I want you to explain to my sister That you can get her a situation as a wet nurse That you can get her a situation as a wet nurse At a pound a week That's the usual money they get So I told her But she won't believe me But if you tells her She'll give me two pounds And I shall be able to go with father To Australia Where they say there is fine chances for a girl The matron examined In critical disdain The vague skirt The broken boots And the misshaven hat With the moral value of this unabashed child of the gutter I think your sister Will be very foolish if she gives you her money Oh don't say that mrs Don't How does she know that your story is true Perhaps you are not going to Australia at all Perhaps I am not That's just what I am afraid of But father is And I can prove it to you I have brought a letter from my father Here it is now Is that good for you Or I'll order you out of the hospital in double quick time Said the matron I didn't intend no importance Said Jenny Humbley Only I didn't like to be told I was telling lies when I was speaking the truth Well I see that your father is going to Australia The matron replied Returning the letter to Jenny You want your sister to give you her money To take you there too What I want is for you to tell my sister That you can get her a situation as wet nurse Then perhaps she'll give me the money If your sister wants to go out as wet nurse I dare say I could get her a pound a week But said Esther I should have to put baby out at nurse You'll have to do that in any case Jenny interposed You can't live for 9 months on your savings And have all the nourishing food That you'd want to keep your milk going If I was your sister I'd see her further before I'd give you my money You must have a cheek to come and asking for it To go off to Australia I'd like to know Do you come and ask for it To go off to Australia where a girl has chances And your sister with a child at breast Left behind Well I never Jenny and the matron turned suddenly and looked at the woman In the opposite bed Who had so unexpectedly expressed her views Jenny was furious What odds is it to you She screamed What business is it of yours Coming poking your nose in my affairs Come now Rowing I should like to know what business it is of hers Hush Hush I can't have you interfering with my patients Another word and I'll order you out of the hospital Order me out of the hospital And what for Who began it No Mrs. Be fair Wait until my sister gives her answer Well then she must be quick about it I can't wait about here all day I'll give my sister the money to take her to Australia If you say you can get me a situation as wet nurse Yes I think I can do that It was 4 pounds 5 That you gave me to keep I remember the amount For since I have been here No one has come with half that If they have 5 shillings They think they can buy half London My sister is very careful Said Jenny Sententiously The matron looked at her sharply and said Now come along with me Honey I can't leave you here You get quarreling with my patients No Mrs. Indeed I won't say nothing to her Do as I tell you Come along with me So with a passing scowl Jenny expressed her contempt For the woman who had come Interfuring in her business And went after the matron Watching her every movement When they came back Jenny's eyes were fixed on the matron's fat hand With the yellow metal through the fingers Here is your money Said the matron 4 pounds 5 You can give your sister what you like Esther held the 4 sovereigns And 2 half crowns in her hand For a moment Then she said Here Jenny are the 2 pounds You want to take you to Australia I hope they bring you good luck And that you will think of me sometimes Indeed I will Esther I shall never forget you And will write to you It is very hard parting Come come never mind those tears You have got your money Say goodbye to your sister and run along Don't be so heartless Cry Jenny whose susceptibilities Were now on the move Have you no feeling Don't you know what it is to bid goodbye to your sister And perhaps forever Jenny flung herself into Esther's arms Crying bitterly You have been that kind to me I shall never forget it I shall be very lonely without you Write to me sometimes It will be a comfort to hear How you are getting along If I marry I'll send for you And you'll bring the baby Do you think I'd leave him behind Kiss him before you go Goodbye Esther Take care of yourself Esther was now alone in the world And she remembered the night she walked home To the hospital and how cruel the city had seemed She was now alone In that great wilderness with her child For whom she would have to work For many many years How would it all end Would she be able to live through it Had she done right in letting Jenny have the money Her boy's money She should not have given it But she hardly knew what she was doing She was so weak And the news of her mother's death had overcome her She should not have given Jenny her boy's money But perhaps it might turn out All right after all If the matron got her situation As wet nurse She'd be able to pull through So they would separate us She whispered bending over the sleeping child There is no help for it My poor darling There is no help for it Next day Esther was taken out of bed She spent part of the afternoon And mrs. Jones came to see her The little old woman Seemed like one whom she had known always And Esther told her about her mother's death And the departure of her family for Australia Perhaps a week lay between her And the beginning of the struggle Which she dreaded She had been told that they did not usually Keep anyone in the hospital more than a fortnight Three days after mrs. Jones' visit The matron came into the room hurriedly I'm very sorry she said But a number of new patients Are expected There is nothing for it But to get rid of you It is a pity for I can see you are both very weak What Me too Said the woman in the other bed I can hardly stand I tried just now to get across the road I'm very sorry But we new patients coming in And there is all our spring cleaning Have you any place to go to No place except a lodging Said Esther And I have only 2 pounds 5 now What's the use in taking us at all If you fling us out on the street When we can hardly walk Said the other woman I wish I had gone and drowned myself I was very near doing it If I had It would be all over now For me and the poor baby I'm used to all this in gratitude Said the matron You have got through your confinement I hope you will try and keep it so Have you any money Only 4 and 6 pence Have you got any friends to whom you can go No Then you will have to apply for admission To the work house The woman made no answer And at that moment 2 sisters came And forcibly began to dress her She fell back from time to time In their arms almost painting Lord what a job Said one of the sisters Like so much lead in one's arms But if we listen to them We should have them loafing here over a month more Esther did not require much assistance And the sister said Oh you are as strong as they make him You might have gone 2 days ago You are no better than roots Esther muttered Then turning to the matron she said You promised to get me a situation as wet nurse Yes so I did But the lady who I intended To recommend you to Wrote this morning to say That she had suited herself But do you think you could get me A situation as wet nurse Said the other woman It would save me from going to the work house I really don't know what to do with you all You all want to stop In the hospital at least a month Eating and drinking the best of everything And then you want situations As wet nurses at a pound a week But said Esther indignantly I never should have given My sister two pounds If you had not told me you could get the situation I am sorry said the matron To have to send you away I should like to have kept you But really there is no help for it As for the situation I'll do the best I can It is true that the place I intended for you is filled But there will be another one shortly And you shall have the first Give me your address I shall not keep you waiting long You can depend upon me You are still very weak I can see that Would you like to have one of the nurses walk around with you You had better You might fall and hurt the baby My word is a fine boy Yes he is a beautiful boy It will break my heart to part with him Some eight or nine poor girls stood outside Dressed alike in dingy garments They were like half dead flies Trying to crawl through an October afternoon And with their babies And a keen wind blowing It is difficult to hold on to their hats It do catch you a bit rough Coming out of their mort rooms Said a woman standing by I am that weak I can hardly carry my baby I don't know how I shall get as far as the edge where old I take my bus there Are you going that way No I am going close by Round the corner End of chapter 17 Chapter 18 of as the waters This is a library walks recording All library walks recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer Please visit library walks.org Recording by Peter Abraham As the waters by George Moore Chapter 18 Her hair hung about her Her hands and wrists were shrunken Her flesh was soft and plubby And she had dark shadows in her face Nursing her child seemed to draw All strength from her And her nervous depression increased She was too weary and ill To think of the future And for a whole week her physical condition held her To the exclusion of every other thought Mrs. Jones was very kind And only charged her 10 shillings a week For her board and lodging But this was a great deal When only 2 pounds 5 shillings Remain between her and the workhouse And this fact was brought home to her When Mrs. Jones came to her For the first week's money 10 shillings gone Only 1 pound 15 shillings left And she was very kind Only 1 pound 15 shillings left And she was so weak That she could hardly get up and downstairs But if she were twice as weak If she had to crawl along the street On her hands and knees She must go to the hospital And implore the matron to get her a situation as wet nurse It was raining heavily And Mrs. Jones said it was madness For her to go out in such weather But go she must And though it was distant Only a few hundred yards She often thought she would like to lie down and die And at the hospital Only disappointment Why hadn't she called yesterday Yesterday 2 ladies of title had come And taken 2 girls away Such a chance might not occur for some time For some time Very soon I shall have to apply For admission at the workhouse She reminded the matron of her promise And returned home more dead than alive Mrs. Jones helped her To change her clothes And bade her be of good heart Esther looked at her hopelessly And sitting down on the edge of a bed She put the baby to her breast Another week passed She had been to the hospital every day But no one had come to inquire for a wet nurse Her money was reduced to a few shilling And she tried to reconcile herself To the idea That she might do worse than Except the harsh shelter of the workhouse Her nature revolted against it But she must do what was best for her child She often asked herself how it would all end And the more she thought The more terrible did the future seem Her miserable meditations were interrupted By a footstep on the stairs It was Mrs. Jones coming to tell her That a lady who wanted a wet nurse Had come from the hospital And a lady entered Dressed in a beautiful brown silk And looked around the humble room Clearly shocked at its poverty Esther who was sitting on the bed Roast to meet the fine lady A thin woman with narrow temples Aqualine features Bright eyes and a disagreeable voice You are the young person Who wants a situation as wet nurse Yes mom Are you married? No mom Is that your first child? Yes mom But it doesn't matter much As long as you and your baby are healthy Will you show it to me? He is asleep now mom Esther said raising the bed clothes There never was a healthier child Yes he seems healthy enough You have a good supply of milk? Yes mom 15 shillings and all found Does that suit you? I expected a pound a week It is only your first baby 15 shillings is quite enough Of course I only engage you Subject to the doctor's approval I'll ask him to call Very well mom I shall be glad of the place Then it is settled You can come at once I must arrange to put my baby out to nurse mom The lady space clouded But following up another train of thought She said of course you must arrange about your baby And I hope you'll make proper arrangements Tell the woman in whose charge you shall leave it That I shall want to see it every three weeks It will be better so She added under her breath For two have died already This is my card said the lady Mrs. Rivers, Cousin Street Mayfair And I shall expect you tomorrow afternoon That is to say if the doctor approves of you Here is one in sixpence for your cab fare Thank you mom I shall expect you not later than four o'clock I hope you won't disappoint me Remember, my child is waiting When Mrs. Rivers left Esther consulted with Mrs. Jones The difficulty was now Where she would put the child out at nurse It was now just after two o'clock The baby was fast asleep And would want nothing for three or four hours It would be well for Esther To put on her hat and jacket And go off at once The baby was fast asleep And would want nothing for three or four hours And go off at once Mrs. Jones gave her the address Of a respectable woman Who used to take charge of children But this woman was nursing twins And could not possibly undertake the charge Of another baby Esther visited many streets Always failing for one reason or the other At last she found herself in Wandsworth In a battered tumble down little street No thoroughfare Only four houses and a coal shed Broken wooden palings Broken wooden palings stood in front of the small area Into which descent was made By means of a few wooden steps The wall opposite seemed to be The back of some stables And in the area of number three Three little mites were playing The baby was tied in a chair And a short pat woman Came out of the kitchen at Esther's call Her dirty apron sloping over her high stomach And her pale brown hair Twisted into a knot at the top of her head Well, Esther was in the kitchen In the middle of her head Well, what is it? I came about putting a child out to nurse You are Mrs. Spires, ain't ya? Yes, that's my name May I ask who sent you? Esther told her And then Mrs. Spires asked her To step down into the kitchen There were children you saw in the area I looked after While their mothers are out washing Or charring They take them home in the evening I only charge them Four pence a day And it is a loss at that For they do take a lot of minding What age is yours? Mine is only a month old I have a chance to go out as a wet nurse If I can find a place to put him out at nurse Will you look after my baby? How much do you think of paying for him? By shelling a week And you are going out as wet nurse At a pound a week? You can afford more than that I am only getting 15 shelling a week Well, you can afford to pay 6 I tell you the responsibility I Of looking after an infant Is that awful nowadays That I don't care to undertake it for less Esther hesitated She did not like this woman I suppose said the woman Altering her tone to one of mild interrogation You would like your baby To have the best of everything And not the drainings of any bottle That's all And not the drainings of any bottle that's handy I should like my child to be well looked after And I must see the child every 3 weeks Do you expect me to bring up the child To wherever the lady lives And pay my bus fare all out of 5 shelling A week? It can't be done Esther did not answer You ain't married of course Mrs. Pires said son me No I ain't Oh nothing There is so many of you that's all You can't lay here and on the father And get a bit out of him The conversation paused Esther felt strangely undecided She looked around suspiciously And noticing the look The woman said Your baby will be well looked after here A nice warm kitchen And I have no other babies for the moment Them children don't give no trouble They plays in the area You had better let me have the child You won't do better than here Esther promised to think it over And let her know tomorrow It took her many omnivuses to get home And it was quite dark when she pushed the door to The first things that caught her ear Was a child crying What is the matter? She cried, hurrying down the passage Oh is that you You have been away a time The poor child was crying She cried You have been away a time The poor child is that hungry He has been crying this hour or more If I had had a bottle I'd have given him a little milk Hungryzy Then he shall have plenty soon It is nearly the last time I shall nurse the poor darling Then she told Mrs Jones About Mrs Spires And both women tried to arrive at a decision Since you have to put the child out at nurse You might as well put him there As elsewhere The woman will look after him As well as she can She'll do that If it is for the sake of the six shillings a week Yes yes I know But I've always heard that children die That are put out to nurse If mine died I should never forgive myself She could not sleep She lay with her arms About her baby Distracted at the thought of parting from him What had she done that her baby Should be separated from her What had the poor little darling done He at least was innocent Why should he be deprived of his mother At midnight she got up And lighted a candle Looked at him, took him in his arms Squeezed him to her bosom till he cried And the thought came That it would be sweeter to kill him with her own hands Than to be parted from him The thought of murder went with the night And she enjoyed the journey to Wandsworth Her baby laughed And cooed In the omnibus And the little street where Mrs. Pires lived Seemed different A cart of hay was being unloaded And this gave the place a pleasant rural air Mrs. Pires too was cleaner Tidier Esther no longer disliked her She had a nice little cot ready for the baby And he seemed so comfortable in it That Esther did not feel The pangs at parting Which she had expected to feel She would see him in a few weeks And in those weeks she would be richer It seemed quite wonderful to earn so much money In so short a time She had had a great deal of paddler But her luck seemed to have turned at last So engrossed was she In the consideration of her good fortune That she nearly forgot to get out of her bus At Charing Cross And had it not been for the attention of the conductor Might have gone on She did nowhere Perhaps to click and well Or maybe to Islington When the second bus turned into Oxford Street She got out Not wishing to spend more money than was necessary Mrs. Jones approved Of all she had done Helped her to pack up her box And sent her away with many kind wishes To Cousin Street in a cab Esther was full of the adventure And the golden prospect before her She wondered if the house she was going to Was as grand as would view And she was struck by the appearance of the maid servant Who opened the door to her Oh there you are Mrs. Rivers said I have been anxiously expecting you My baby is not at all well Come up to the nursery at once I don't know your name She said turning to Esther What is ma'am Emily You will see that Waters' box Is taken to her room I'll see to it ma'am Then come up at once Waters I hope you'll succeed better than the others A tall handsome gentleman Stood at the door of a room Full of beautiful things And as they went past him Mrs. Rivers said This is the new nurse there Higher up Esther saw a bedroom of soft hangings And bright porcelain Then another staircase And the little whale of a child Caught on her ear And Mrs. Rivers said The poor thing Esther sat down And soon the little thing seized crying It seems to take to you Said the anxious mother So it seems Said Esther It is a wee thing Not half the size of my boy I hope the milk will suit it And that it won't bring up what it takes This is our last chance I dare say it will come around ma'am I suppose you weren't strong enough To nurse it yourself And yet you look healthy I? No, I could not undertake the nurse It Then glancing suspiciously at Esther Whose breast was like a little cup Mrs. Rivers said I hope you have plenty of milk Oh yes ma'am They said at the hospital I could bring up twins Your supper will be ready at 9 But that will be a long time For you to wait I told them to cut you some sandwiches And you'll have a glass of porter Or perhaps you'd prefer to wait till supper You can have your supper you know At 8 if you like Esther took a sandwich And Mrs. Rivers poured out a glass of porter And later in the evening Mrs. Rivers came down from her drawing room To see that Esther's supper was alright And not satisfied With the handsome fare That had been laid down before her child's nurse She went into the kitchen and gave strict orders That the meat for the future Was not to be quite so much cooked Henceforth it seemed to Esther That she was eating all day The food was doubtless necessary After the great trial of the flesh She had been through Likewise pleasant after her long abstinences She grew happy in the tide Of new blood flowing through her veins And might have easily abandoned herself In the seduction of these carnal influences But her moral nature was of tough fibre And made mute revolt Such constant kneeling did not seem natural And the obtuse brain of this lowly servant girl Was perplexed Her self-respect was wounded She hated her position in this house And sought consolation in the thought That she was earning good money for her baby She noticed too that she was never allowed Out alone And that her walks were limited to just sufficient Exercise to keep her in health A fortnight passed And one afternoon After having put baby to sleep She said to Mrs Rivers I hope ma'am you will be able to spare me For a couple of hours Baby won't mourn me before then I am very anxious about my little one Oh nurse I couldn't possibly hear of it Such a thing is never allowed You can write to the woman if you like I don't know how to write ma'am Then you can get someone to write for you But your baby is no doubt alright But ma'am you are uneasy about your baby You are up in the nursery 20 times a day It is only natural That I should be uneasy about mine But nurse I have no one to send with you There is no reason why anyone should Go with me ma'am I can take care of myself What? That you go off all the way to Where did you say you had left it? Warnsworth By yourself I really couldn't think of it I don't want to be unnecessarily hard But I really couldn't No mother could I must consider the interests of my child But I don't want you to agitate yourself And if you like I'll write myself to the woman who has Charge of your baby I cannot do more and I hope you'll be satisfied By what right By what law was she separated from her child She was tired of hearing Mrs. Rivers speak of My child, my child, my child And of seeing this fine lady turn up her nose When she spoke of her own beautiful Boy When Mrs. Rivers came to engage her She had said that it would be better for the baby To be brought up to see her every Three or four weeks For two had died already At the time Esther had not understood She had supposed vaguely in a passing way That Mrs. Rivers had already lost two children But yesterday The housemaid had told her That the little thing in the cradle Was before Esther And that both babies had died It was then a life for a life It was more The children of the two poor girls Had been sacrificed so that this rich woman's Child might be saved Even that was not enough The life of her beautiful boy was called for Then other memories swept into Esther's frenzied brain She remembered vague hints Allusions that Mrs. Spires had thrown out And as if The obtuseness of a nightmare It seemed to this ignorant girl That she was the victim of a dark and far-eaching Conspiracy She experienced the sensation of the captured animal And she scanned the doors in the windows Thinking of some means to escape At that moment A knock was heard And the housemaid came in The woman who has charge of your baby Has come to see you Esther started from her chair And fat little Mrs. Spires waddled into the room And ends over shawl touching the ground Where is my baby? Said Esther Why haven't you brought him? The sweet little thing didn't seem As well as usual this afternoon And I did not care to bring him out It being a long way and a trifle cold It is nice and warm in here May I sit down? Yes, there's a chair But tell me what is the matter with him A little cold here, nothing to speak of You must not excite yourself It isn't worthwhile Besides, it's bad for you And the little darling in the cradle May I have a look? A little girl, isn't it? Yes, it is a girl And a beautiful girl too How healthy she do look I'll be bound you have made a difference in her I suppose you are beginning to like her Just as if she were your own Esther did not answer You know, all you girls Are dreadful taken with their babies at first But there is an awful drag on a girl Who gets her living in service For my part I do think it is providential like That rich folk don't nurse their own If they did I don't know what would become of all you poor girls The situation of wet nurse Is just what you want at the time And it is good money I hope you did what I told you And stuck out for a pound a week Rich folk like these here Would think nothing of a pound a week Nor yet to When they see their child is suited Never mind about my money That's my affair Tell me what's the matter with my baby Oh, you do up on it I told you, he's alright Nothing to signify Only a little poorly But knowing you was that anxious I thought it better to come up I didn't know what you might like to have in the doctor Does he require the doctor? I thought you said it was nothing to signify That depends on how you look at it Some likes to have in the doctor However a little the ailing Then others won't have anything to do with doctors Don't believe in them So I thought I'd come up And see what you thought about it I would have sent for the doctor this morning I'm one of those who has faith in doctors But being a bit short of money I thought I'd come up and ask you for a trifle At that moment Mrs. Rivers came into the nursery And her first look went in the direction of the cradle Then she turned to consider curtsing Mrs. Piers This is Mrs. Piers The lady who is looking after my baby mom Said Esther She has come with bad news My baby is ill Oh, I'm sorry But I dare say it is nothing But Mrs. Piers says mom Yes mom, the little thing seemed a bit poorly And I being short of money mom I had to come and see nurse I know this is right well that They must not be disturbed And of course your child's health is everything But if I may make so bold I'd like to say that The little deer do look beautiful Nurse is bringing her up that well That he must have every satisfaction in her Yes, she seems to suit the child That's the reason I don't want her upset It won't occur again mom I promise you Esther did not answer And her white sullen face remain unchanged She had a great deal on her mind And would have spoken if the words Did not seem to betray her When she attempted to speak When the baby is well And the doctor is satisfied That there is no danger of infection You can bring it here Once a month will be sufficient Is there anything more Mrs. Piers thinks my baby ought to see the doctor Well, let her send for the doctor Being a bit short of money How much is it? Said Esther Well, what we pay is 5 shillings to the doctor But then there is the medicine he will order And I was going to speak to you about a piece of flannel If you could let me have 10 shillings To go on with But I haven't so much left I must see my baby And Esther moved towards the door No, no nurse, I cannot hear of it I'd sooner pay the money myself Now, how much do you want Mrs. Piers Telling shillings will do for the present mom Here they are Let the child have every attendance And remember, you are not to come Troubling my nurse Above all, you are not to come up to the nursery I don't know how it happened It was a mistake on the part of the new housemaid You must have my permission before you see my nurse And while talking rapidly and Imperatively Mrs. Rivers, as it were Drove Mrs. Piers out of the nursery I don't know Mrs. Piers out of the nursery Esther could hear them talking on the staircase And she listened All the while striving to collect her thoughts Mrs. Rivers said when she returned I really cannot allow her to come here Upsetting you Then as if impressed by the somber look On Esther's face she added Upsetting you about nothing I assure you it will be alright Only a little in disposition I must see my baby Esther replied Come nurse, you shall see your baby The moment the doctor says it is fit to come here You cannot expect me to do more than that Esther did not move And thinking it would not be well To argue with her Mrs. Rivers went to the cradle See nurse The little darling has just woke up Come and take her I'm sure she wants you Esther did not answer her She stood looking into space And it seemed to Mrs. Rivers That it would be better not to provoke a scene She went slowly towards the door While a little cry from the cradle Stopped her and she said Come nurse, what is it? Come, the baby is waiting for you Then like one waking from a dream Esther said If my baby is alright mom I'll come back But if he wants me I'll have to look after him first You forget that I'm paying you 15 chillings a week I pay you for nursing my baby You take my money That's sufficient Yes, I do take your money mom But the housemaid has told me That you had two wet nurses before me And that both their babies died So I cannot stop here Now that mines ill Everyone for her own You can't blame me I'm sorry for yours, poor little thing She was getting along nicely too But what else? You won't leave my baby If I could nurse it myself Why couldn't you mom? You look fairly strong and healthy Esther spoke in a quiet, solid way Finding her words unconsciously You don't know what you're saying nurse You can't, you've forgotten yourself Next time I engage a nurse I'll try to get one who has lost her baby And then there'll be no bother It is a life for a life More than that mom Two lives for a life That my boy is asked for A strange look passed over Mrs. Rivers' face She knew of course that she stood well Within the law, that she was doing No more than a hundred other fashion women Were doing at the same time But this plain girl had a plain Way of putting things And she did not care for it to be publicly known That the life of her child had been bought With the life of two poor children But her temper was getting the better of her He'll only be a drag on you You'll never be able to bring him up Poor little bastard child It is wicked of you to speak like that mom Though it is I who am saying it It is none the child's fault If he hasn't got a father Nor is it right that he should be deserted for that And it is not for you To tell me to do such a thing If you had made sacrifice Of yourself in the beginning And nursed your own child Such thoughts would not have come to you But when you hire a poor girl such as me To give the milk that belongs to another To your child You think nothing of the poor deserted one He is but a bastard you say And had better be dead and done with I see it all now I have been thinking it out It is also hidden up That the meaning is not clear at first But what it comes to is this That fine folks like you Pay the money And Mrs. Pires and her like Gets rid of the poor little things Change the milk a few times A little neglect and the poor servant girl Is spared the trouble of bringing up her baby And can make a handsome child Of the rich woman's little starving At that moment the baby began to cry Both women looked in the direction of the cradle Nurse have you utterly forgotten yourself You have talked a great deal of nonsense You have said a great deal that is untrue You accused me of wishing your baby dead Indeed I hardly know what Wild remarks you did not indulge in Of course I cannot Put up with such conduct Tomorrow you will come to me and apologize In the meantime the baby wants you Are you going to her I am going to my own child That means you refuse to nurse my baby Yes I am going straight to look after my own If you leave my house you shall never enter it again I don't want to enter it again I shall not pay you one shilling If you leave my baby You have no money I shall try to manage without I shall go with my baby to the work house However bad the living may be there He'll be with his mother If you go tonight my baby will die She cannot be brought up on the bottle Oh I hope not mom I should be sorry Indeed I should Then stay nurse I must go to my baby mom Then you shall go at once I am going this very instant As soon as I've put on my hat and jacket You had better take your box with you If you don't I shall have it thrown into the street I dare say you're cruel enough to do that If the law allows you Only be careful that it do End of Chapter 18 Chapter 19 of Esther Waters This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer Please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Peter Abraham Esther Waters By George Moore Chapter 19 The moment Esther got out of the house In Cousin Street She felt in her pocket for her money She had only a few pens Enough for her bus fare however And her thoughts did not go further She was absorbed by one desire How to save her child How to save him from his inspires Whom she vaguely suspected From the world which called him a bastard And denied him the right to live And she sat as a petrified In the corner of the bus Seeing nothing but a little street Of four houses Facing some halops The low-pitched kitchen The fat woman The cradle in the corner The intensity and the oneness of her desire Seemed to annihilate time And when she got out of the omnibus She walked with a sort of animal-like instinct Straight for the house There was a light in the kitchen Just as she expected And as she descended the four wooden steps Into the area She looked to see if Mrs. Pires was there She was there And Esther pushed open the door Where's my baby? Lord, how you did here frighten me Said Mrs. Pires Turning from the range and leaning against the table Which was laid for supper Where the books is placed without a word of warning Without as much as knocking at the door I beg your pardon But I was that anxious about my baby Was you indeed? It is easy to see it is the first one There it is in the cradle there Have you sent for the doctor? Sent for the doctor? I have to get my husband supper Esther took her baby out of the cradle It woke up crying And Esther said You don't mind my sitting down a moment The poor little thing wants its mother If Mrs. Rivers saw you now A nursing of her baby I shouldn't care if she did He's thinner than when I left him Ten days have made a difference in him Well you don't expect a child to do As well without its mother As with her But tell me, how did you get out? You must have come away shortly after me I wasn't going to stop there And my child ill You don't mean to tell me That you have gone and thrown up the situation? She told me if I went out I should never enter her door again And what did you say? Told I didn't want to And what may I ask Are you thinking of doing? I heard you say you had no money I don't know Take my advice And go straight back And ask her to overlook it this once Oh no, she'd never take me back Yes she will You suits the child And that's all they think of I don't know what will become of me and my baby No more, don't die You can't stop always in the work house And a baby will be a heavy drag on you Couldn't you lay hands on his father somehow? Esther shook her head And Mrs. Pires noticed that she was crying I'm all alone, she said I don't know how I'm ever going to pull through Not with that child you won't It ain't possible You girls is all alike You think of nothing but your babies for the first few weeks Then your ties of them The drag on you is that heavy I know you And then you begins to wish they had never been born Or your wishes they had died Or for they knew they was alive I don't say I'm not often sorry for them Poor little dears But they takes less notice than you think for And they is better out of the way It really is It saves a lot of trouble hereafter I often do think that to neglect them To let them go off quiet That I be their best friend Not willful neglect, you know But what is a woman to do With ten or a dozen And I often as as many I'm sure they thanked me for it Esther did not answer But judging by her face that she had lost all hope Mrs. Pires was tempted to continue There's that other baby in the far corner That was brought here since you was here By a servant girl like yourself She was out nursing of a lady's child Getting a pound a week Just as you was Well, now I ask How she can hope to bring up that dear child A weakly little thing that wants the doctor And all sorts of looking after If that child was to live It would be the ruin of that girl's life Don't you hear what I'm saying Yes I hear Yes I hear Esther speaking like one in a dream Don't she care for her baby then She used to care for them But if they had all lived I should like to know where she'd be There has been five of them That's the fifth So instead of them costing her money They brings her money She has never failed yet to suit herself In a situation as wetness And they all died Yes, they all died And this little one Don't look as if it was long for the world Do it Said Mrs. Pires Who had taken the infant from the cradle To show Esther Esther looked at the poor Wisinpeachers Twitched with pain And the far-off cry of doom A tiny tinkle from the verge Shivered in a year with a strange Pethos It goes to my heart Said Mrs. Pires It do indeed It is the best that could happen to him Who's to care for him And there's hundreds of hundreds of them I, thousands and thousands Every year And they all died Like the early shoots It is hard Very hard Poor little dears But they is best out of the way There is only an expense And a disgrace Mrs. Pires stopped on In a rapid soothing Superfic voice She had just finished pouring Some milk in the baby's bottle And had taken down a jug of water From the dresser But that's cold water Said Esther Waking from the stupa of her despair It will give the baby Grapes for certain I have no hot water ready I'll let the bottle stand For the fire That'll do as well Watching Esther all the while Mrs. Pires held the bottle For a few moments before the fire And then gave it to the child to suck Very soon after The cry of pain came from the cradle The little deer never was well It wouldn't surprise me a bit If it died Went off before morning It do look that poorly One can't help being sorry for them Though one knows that there is no house for them here Poor little angels And not even baptized There's them that thinks a lot of getting that over But who's to baptize the little angels Baptize them as the repeated Oh sprinkle them you mean That's not the way with the Lord's people And to escape from a too overpowering reality She continued to repeat the half-forgotten pattern of the brethren You must wait until it is a symbol of living faith in the Lord And taking the baby in her hands for a moment The wonder crossed her mind Whether he would ever grow up and find salvation And testify to the Lord as an adult in a voluntary baptism All the while Mrs. Pires was getting on with her cooking Several times she looked as if she were going to speak And several times she checked herself In truth she didn't know what to make of Esther Was her love of her child such love As would enable her to put up with all hardships for the sake Or was it the fleeting affection of the ordinary young mother Which though ardent at first Gives way under difficulties Mrs. Pires had heard many mothers talk as Esther talked But when the real strain of life was put upon them They had yielded to the temptation of ridding themselves of their burdens So Mrs. Pires could not believe That Esther was really different from the others And if carefully handled She would do what the others had done Still there was something in Esther Which kept Mrs. Pires from making any distinct proposal But it were a pity to let the girls slip through her fingers The five pounds were not picked up every day There were three five pound notes in the cradles If Esther would listen to reason There would be twenty pounds And the money was wanted badly Once more greed set Mrs. Pires' tongue flowing And representing herself as a sort of guardian angel She spoke again about the mother of the dying child Pressing Esther to think What the girl's circumstances would have been If they had all lived Said Esther Yes, and a good job too Said Mrs. Pires Whose temper for the moment outspread her discretion Was this penniless drab doing it on purpose to annoy her? A nice one indeed to high and mighty it over her She would show her in mighty quick time She had come to the wrong shock Just as Mrs. Pires was about to speak out She noticed that Esther was in tears Mrs. Pires always looked upon tears as a good sign So she resolved to give her one more chance What are you crying about? She said Oh, said Esther I don't even know where I shall sleep tonight I have only three pens and not a friend in the world Now look here If you'll listen to reason, I'll talk to you You mustn't look upon me as an enemy I have been a good friend to many a poor girl like you are for now And I'll be one to you if you're sensible I'll do for you what I'm doing for the other girl Give me five pounds, five pounds I have only a few pens Hear me out child Go back to your situation She'll take you back You suits the child That's all she cares about Ask her for an advance of five pounds She'll give it when she hears it is to get rid of your child They ate their nurses to be a hankering after their own They likes them to be forgotten like Ask us if the child is dead very often And won't engage them if it isn't So believe me, she'll give you the money When he tells her that it is to give the child to someone who wants to adopt it That's what you have to say And you'll take the child off my hands forever for five pounds Yes, and if he likes to go out again as wet nurse I'll take the second off your hands too And at the same price You wicked woman Come, come, what do you mean by talking to me like that? And because I offered to find someone who would adopt your child You did nothing of the kind Ever since I've been in your house You have been trying to get me to give you up My child to murder As you are murdering those poor innocents in the creedles It is a lie But I do not want no argument with you Pay me what you owe me And take yourself off I want no more of your year Esther did not shrink before her Mrs. Spire is expected Clasping her baby more tightly, she said I've paid you what I owe you You've had more than you'd do Mrs. Rivers gave you ten shillings for a doctor which you didn't send for Let me go Yes, when you're paced me What's all this raw about? Is that a tall red-bearded man who had just come in No one takes their babies out of this year's house Before they paced Come now, come now Before you're getting in If you think you can come here insulting of my wife You're mistaken You've come to the wrong shop I've paid all I owe, said Esther You're no better than murderers But you shouldn't have my poor babe to murder for a five pound note Take back them words or else I'll do for you Take them back, he said Raising his fist Help, help, murder Esther screamed She could seize her, she had slipped past But before she could scream again He had laid hold of her Esther thought her last moment had come Let her go, let her go Cried Mrs. Spires clinging on her husband's arm We don't want the police in here Police, what do I care about the police? Let her pay what she owes Never mind Tom, it's only a trifle Let her go Now then, take your hope She said turning to Esther To do it such as you With a growl the man losing his hold And feeling herself free Esther rushed through the open doorway Her feet flew up the wooden steps And she ran out of the street So shaken were her nerves That the sight of some men drinking in a public house frightened her She ran on again There was a cab stand in the next street And to avoid the cab men and the loafers She hastily crossed to the other side Her heart beat violently Her thoughts were in disorder And she walked a long while Before she realized that she did not know Where she was going She stopped to ask the way And then remembered there was no place Where she might go She would have to spend the night in the workhouse And then She did not know All sorts of thoughts came upon her unsolicited And she walked on and on At last she rested her burden On the parapet of a bridge And saw the London night Blue and gold Vast water rolling And the spectacle of the stars Like a dream from which she could not disentangle Her individuality Was she to die in the starlit city She and her child And why would such cruelty happen to her More than to the next one Steadying her thoughts with an effort she said Why not go to the workhouse Only for the night Without mind for herself Only she did not wish her boy to go there But if God willed it She drew her shawl about her baby And tried once more to persuade herself Into accepting the shelter of the workhouse It seems strange even to her That a pale glassy moon Should float high up in the sky And that she should suffer And then she looked at the lights That fell like golden daggers From the Sareshaw into the river What had she done to deserve the workhouse Above all, what had the poor innocent child Done to deserve it She felt that if she once entered the workhouse She would remain there She and her child poppers forever But what can I do She asked herself crazily And sat down on one of the seats A young man coming home from an evening party Looked at her as he passed She asked herself if she should run after him And tell him a story Why should he run after her And tell him a story Why should he not assist her He could so easily spare it Would he But before she could decide to appeal to him He had called a passing handsome And was soon far away Then looking at the windows of the great hotels She thought of the folk there Who could so easily save her from the workhouse If they knew there must be many a kind heart Behind those windows Who would help her If she could only make known her trouble But that was the difficulty She could not make known her trouble She could not tell the misery she was enduring She was so ignorant She could not make herself understood She would be mistaken for a common beggar Nowhere would she find anyone to listen to her Was this punishment for her wrongdoing An idea of the blind cruelty of fate Maddened her And in the delirium of her misery She asked herself If it would not have been better for her But she could not make known her trouble She could not tell the misery she was enduring If it would not have been better perhaps If she had left him with Mrs. Pires What indeed Had the poor little fellow to live for A young man in evening dress came toward her Looking so happy and easy in life Walking with long swinging strides He stopped And asked her if she was out for a walk No sir I am out because I have no place to go How's that She told him the story of the baby farmer And he listened kindly And she thought the necessary miracle Was about to happen But he only complimented her on her pluck And got up to go Then she understood that he did not care To listen to sad stories And a vagrant came and sat down The copper he said Will be moving us on presently It don't much matter It's too cold to get to sleep And I think it will rain My cough is that bad She might beg a night's lodging Of Mrs. Jones It was far away She did not think she could walk so far Mrs. Jones might have left Then what would she do The workhouse up there was much the same As the workhouse down here Mrs. Jones couldn't keep her for nothing And there was no use trying for another Situation as a wet nurse The hospital would not recommend her again She must go to the workhouse Then her thoughts wandered She thought that she could And her thoughts wandered She thought of her father Brothers and sisters Who had gone to Australia She wondered if they had arrived yet If they ever thought of her If She and her baby were on her way to the workhouse They were going to become poppers She looked at the vagrant He had fallen asleep He knew all about the workhouse Should she ask him what it was like He too was friendless If he had a friend He would not be sleeping on the embankment Should she ask him Poor chap He was asleep People were happy when they were asleep A full moon floated high up in the sky And the city was no more than a faint shadow On the glassy stillness of the night And she longed to float away With the moon in the river To be born away out of sight Of this world Her baby was sleeping Her baby grew heavy in her arms And the vagrant A bundle of rags thrown forward in the heat Slept at the other end of the bench But she could not sleep And the moon whirled on her miserable way Then the glassy stillness was broken By the measured tramp Of the policemen going his rounds He directed her to Lambeth workhouse And as she walked towards Westminster She heard him rousing the vagrant And bidding him move onward She thought of her father Bidding him move onward End of chapter 19