 Hey, Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show! Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show. We're going to stand in Hollywood for your listening pleasure, with lyrics by Marilyn Williams and music by Maddy Malvin. So, hold on to your chairs for a break. Here they are. What Abbott has for Costello! Hey! That's the lady in the first, the bearded, tattooed lady. Yeah, Uncle George, you should always be crazy about jungle pictures. But I knew he was going to marry a fortune-teller. A fortune-teller told me for ten dollars. You mean to tell me that a fortune-teller... Oh, I get that. I can't wait. You mean to tell me that a fortune-teller charges you ten dollars just to read your mind? So, one dollar for reading my mind and nine dollars for finding. Never mind that. What does Uncle Joe do for a living? Well, he's a babysitter. How does he get started with a babysitter? Well, one night, a woman asked him to sit with her baby, and then she went out and never came back. Who was the woman? The first wife? That's awful. Yes. At twenty-five cents an hour, she owes him twelve thousand dollars. Is he a good babysitter? I'll say. One night, he was sitting with a baby, and the kids swallowed a bottle of bee-bee-bee. My goodness. What did Uncle Joe do? Well, he threw the baby over the shoulder and burped him. What happened? The kid chilled every flyer within ten miles. Oh, get him out of here! Well, there's a sample of a high-grade nonsense you'll be hearing for the next half hour. Before we get back to it, listen to this. Did you know that any listener may now have an opportunity to appear as a contestant on Break the Bank? That's right, any listener. As you probably know, ABC's Break the Bank is that very popular Friday night quiz show, where contestants try for a jackpot which is always worth at least thousand dollars and often much more. Well recently, Break the Bank inaugurated a new feature whereby listeners are eligible to enter their names in a giant wish-bowl. Winners will not only get an opportunity to break the bank, but they also receive free airplane or railroad transportation for two to and from New York as available. In addition, each wish-bowl winner will live in his fleet in the famous New York Hotel from Friday until Sunday. And he or she will be given $150 spending money besides any amount received on the show. For all of the details on this wonderful wish-bowl here, Break the Bank when it's broadcast over most ABC stations tomorrow night. And now back to ABC's Abbot and Costello show. Hey! All right. Hello, hello, hello. Hey, Neil. Stop jumping around. Who are you waving at? I'm waving at my new girl from Texas way back here. That's her in a third row with the red dress on. What do you think of her, Abbott? Costello. That's your new girl? Yeah. Brother, she is the ugliest, most repulsive, most stupid looking day I've ever seen. She's even got warts on her nose. You can talk louder, Abbott. She's deaf, too. Costello, how can you possibly see the rest of the girl like that? I don't know, Abbott. Her face wants me everywhere I go. I see her face. I see her face when I'm away. I see her face when I'm asleep. I even see her face when I get in to go to get my car washed at the wash rack. I do, too. I see her face. Oh, wait a minute. How can you see her face when you take your car to the wash rack? She works there. She's on hubcaps. How did you ever get acquainted with this girl? She wrote me a fan letter. She's one of my millions of women picked up here. Well, you ought to get out of pictures, Costello. I can't have it. I just point my many millions of women fans. Millions? Millions. Millions? Well, thousands of women would be disappointed. Thousands of women? There are hundreds of women who will feel badly about it. Did you say hundreds? My mother would raise canes. Why don't you stop running around and get yourself engaged in some nice girl? You know, do you know how to get engaged? Oh, yes. I heard it on the radio. They said if you want to get engaged, use woodbury soap. So I bought 12 cases. Did you get engaged? Heck, no. I was so busy washing, I didn't have time. Will you please talk, since whatever happens if that little red-headed manicure should look on you. He insulted me, ever. Highly insulted. What do you mean? Well, my birthday. She gave me a Boy Scout knife. Well, that's not an insult. Sure. Everybody knows I wouldn't knife a Boy Scout. Oh, stop. I suppose you've got a date with some silly girl again tonight. I can't go out tonight. But I lost my wallet. Are you sure you lost your wallet? Yeah. You'd better look in your pockets again. Okay. Mm-hmm. Oh. Nope. Nope. No wallet. But here's the note. What does the note say? It says, you lost your wallet last night. You can have it back by calling 885 something Boulevard. Yes, bring a friend. My roommate is eating this over my shoulder. Evidently, that notice from two girls. Forget about it. And quit running around with women. Why don't you take up tennis, sir? Golf. Oh, tennis or golf? Yes. Don't you know what good clean fun is? No. What good is... Now, take me for instance. I play golf every day. That afternoon, I play 18 holes with Eddie Lamar. That girl handles her eye out. How is she with the woods? Right? I don't know. She stayed out on the fairway the whole day. Eh, show me where is this atmosphere. What's that over there? Well, you get that kind of dialogue. Very, very clever laughing. What the hell? I'll just never mind. I've been titled to tell a joke once in a while. We've got lots of jokes in my family. That was one of my father's jokes. Oh, you, one of your mother's jokes? I'm looking for Luca Cello. I represent the Father's Day Committee of Cucamonga. I'm Luca Cello. Well, what does the Father's Day Committee want with me? The people of Cucamonga have elected you as the father of the year of Cucamonga. You think father's day? And I don't even live in Cucamonga. That's good. The farther you stay away from Cucamonga, the better we like it. I've seen that fellow's face before. I'll tell you a way you could see it again. Where? Any Thursday at the State Unemployment Insurance Office. Starting this Thursday? Aye, that's right, Cucamonga. I don't have to worry. I'm the most independent man in town. What makes you so independent? I gotta use car for sale. That shuts you up, Cucamonga. You better watch out. Watch out that you don't wind up at an unemployed officer's office. Ah, don't you worry about that. But I don't have to worry about work. And my girl got a job this week with the Los Angeles Bus Company. Your girl is a lady bus driver? Good. She started Monday. She opens the door. She takes the fish. She makes the change. She gets up there first. She calls up the street. She tells the people to move back on the bus. Yes. I'm going to let her drive. Well, have you got a driver's license? Yes, I've got a junior driver's license. What's a junior driver's license? It only allows you to hit midget. The California driver's laws are very strict, especially about pedestrian zones. Now, when you see a pedestrian crossing the safety zone, what do you do? You came to go and you got a California driver? I step on a gas, you take him up on a sidewalk right along. I'll take care of everything. All right, I'm going to let you forward. Come on, sweep up the floor. Disinfect the microphone. Clean up the place. And throw out that garbage can over there. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Garbage can. That's where I slew pastel, my friend. I was right the first time. Throw that garbage can out of here. And another thing. What's the idea of cooking corned beef and cabbage in the studio? No, terrible. Nobody was cooking corned beef and cabbage. This is the average casserole program. Confusing, isn't it? Isn't it? Oh, not when you like corned beef and cabbage. That did it. Not complain to the president of ABC. What writer has not said it's niggable? Better come in here and try to disrupt our program. Not just a minute. Just a minute. Knobheaded. Are you trying to create the impression that I'm bald? Well, if you ain't bald, somebody get your hair cut with a bare midriff. I'll straighten this out. What are you doing in this studio? The rabbit, I work for ABC. I've worked here for 12 years. I run the elevator. Wait a minute. There's no elevator in the building. Go on, loudmouth. Tell the boss. Make me lose my job. Well, don't stand there. Tell him. Haven't kicked me off the payroll. Oh, not just a minute. Mister, aren't you ashamed of yourself? Accepting money for doing nothing. Accepting money for doing nothing. How long have you been in radio? 10 years. Look who's talking. How much are you? I mean, just this guy has stopped only bald. He's nothing. He's broken down. But, in spite of all that, the stuff that's out him's actually broken. Why, I guess, fella? I missed it. Why have you interrupted our show? However, I have a very important announcement to make. Ladies and gentlemen, the American Broadcasting Company and the sponsors of the Abbot and Costello show proudly present. Direct from her recent clients in London, England, that great singing star, Miss Marilyn Williams. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, and thank you, Floyd. Floyd? Well, not guitar. Floyd. Leave him alone, Castella. Miss Williams, welcome to our program. I'm sure our listeners are going to love you, and I hope you will like me and my partner. But, old chap, I think your top hole, and I think Costello is positively ripping. I knew I shouldn't have worn those tight pants. No, no, no, no, no, Castella. That's just an English expression. The English have different customs than ours, you know. What do you mean? Well, for instance, in this country, if an English girl sneezes, you say good night. If an English girl sneezes, you, uh, you kiss her. That's all I want to know. Mr. Costello. Ma'am. I didn't sneeze. Why wait until the last minute? Why, Mr. Costello? Why did you ever learn to put your lips to a point like that? I used to thread needles for my grandmother. And, um, Miss Williams, we have some gifts for you to bid. Did you welcome to America? First, please accept this beautiful diamond ring. Here, I'll slip it on your finger. Oh, divine. You may kiss my finger. Now, may I place this beautiful bracelet on your arm? Thank you. You may kiss my wrist. And now, this lovely neck. Oh, thank you. You may kiss me on my neck. All right, Costello, now it's your turn. I pass. Why? I bought a pair of shoes. Oh, you're so droll, Mr. Costello. But for being so nice to me, I'm going to write to His Majesty and have him make you a knight of the bar. Please, don't do it. Why not? You think I'm going to fight England and back every Saturday night just to scrub the King's back? It's easy to see that you've never been to England, Mr. Costello. Well, if I have, here's a copy of the London Times. My pictures are one side and the King's pictures right next to it. So it is. You see what it says in my picture? The King and the fellow came as guilty. But look what it says under the King's pictures. What? God saved the King. Now, Miss Williams, did you have an ice-trip here the minute? Oh, rather. You know I crossed the Atlantic on the Queen Mary. Mm-hmm. I didn't know the old girl could swim that far. I'll get him out of there. Not thick as that. But before I get too thick, let me interrupt you with a reminder on a serious subject. Did you know there's a network quiz show where listeners compete for a big jackpot prize by telephoneing the program? That's right. The listeners phone in to lecture. That program is What My Means. Broadcast of most of these ABC stations each Saturday night. Here's how it works. At the end of What My Means, you hear the voice of a famous personality, then listeners of a certain selected city, and it may be yours, are invited to telephone in the name of the owner of that voice. The first correct answer wins the jackpot. A lot of fun, even if you said he isn't a selected one. But the fun doesn't start with a jackpot question. You'll also enjoy hearing studio contestants play What My Means, as MCs, Arlene Francis, and Kyle Frank post the questions. They pretend to be famous people and get set to clues as to their identities. He asks for swell quiz fun. Don't miss What My Means heard over most of these stations Saturday night. Now back to ABC's after the Cassello Show. Now let's get going. Wait a minute, Cassello. Let's turn it on the spotlight. Let's turn it on on our singing gal for me. Oh, that's great for us, and it's great for everybody listening. Here she is, folks. Marilyn Williams with Maddie Malmick's music. You have the power to hit the party. You do so well. You play Mr. Frank. Merry Christmas. Christmas is nearly two months away. Why did you say Merry Christmas? That's fresh material, have it? If anybody says Merry Christmas on a radio, they stole it from us. Don't be silly, Cassello. Nobody steal our material. That's all? No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. True. No. No. No. No. No. No. Now, the trouble with you is that, instead of taking up these jokes, you spend all your time chasing girls. I saw your last night with that red head. Yes. What a girl. Have it all night long. Skip to him a year off. You mean she talked too much? Nope. She just chewed me a year off. I understand she's a Spanish dancer. Yep. She does a very unusual dance. She dances around the brim of a Mexican hat. She dances all around the brim of the hat and kicks it with her heels. What's unusual about that? Lots of Spanish dancers dance on the top of a Mexican hat. Well, it's still on the Mexican's head, right? Well, Castella, no. No one but a silly girl like that would go out with you. Now, take me. I get the better looking girls because I'm handsome. Have it. I don't like to hurt your feelings. But you should put it up. I gotta tell you. You are the youngest man I ever saw. I'm ugly. You're so ugly that it makes me wish I had the hiccups. So I could look at you and get scared. Well, anyway, you've got to admit I'm a pretty fast dresser. Uh-uh. I'm the thing of it, Abbott. You were wearing pinched back shoes long before or any other, fellas. That's right. Long afterwards too. I'm the one with clans. Yes, sir. I'm the one with clans. Well, when I went to school, the girls used to flock around me like flies around a pot of honey. Yes, and I'll have to admit you haven't changed much. I haven't had a bad having. No, you've lost a little of the honey, but you still got the pot. Hey, Mr. Castello. Abbott's nephew, Norman, why do you keep coming in here every week? Well, I want to ask you something, Mr. Castello. My mother told me that if I watched you... No, it's not Abbott. Go and prove. Well, give the boy a chance. What's on your mind, Norman? I want to ask you something, Mr. Castello. My mother told me that if I watched you all the time, before I knew it, I'd be an actor just like you. Do you think he's right here? Your mother was right, Norman. You might end up being just like me. No, kid, and I thought you'd just tell me that to scare me. That's a nice boy, folks. She told me that it would only take two more years to make them hurran out of him. Abbott, why don't you keep that bum home? Castello, don't you call that actor a bum. You should call that bum an actor. Now, I'll never mind that. Norman stays on the show. He's got tricks with him. And don't forget that he has 200 women in his body every week and every one of them wants to be loud. You need to stand there and tell me that there are 200 women out there right now that want to be loved. Yes. End of map! Castello, how can you be so stupid? Every day you add more stupidity to your anger. How do you do it? I take vitamins. And remember, Mike takes vitamins, too. We're worried about a map. But all day long, he runs around the house and tackles. He thinks he's a sicko. Well, wait a minute. Do you think he's a sicko? And why don't you get him out of the house and send him to a hospital? He would, but we need to get him out. Oh, thanks. Can you have a fan letter for one of my listeners? I'll read it. I will. Right here. Actually, I'm going to read it. Castello. Tell me that sounds like a burning token, doesn't it? Castello. Castello. I have been listening to your fan-celebrity record series. I want to say you are one of them. That's because you play Sam's devil of a soul-stilling. I'll push it out and goose them up. I'm coming over to see him first tonight. Tell us, someone outside to see you. Who is it? A goose. All right. All right, good to like you. There's no way you'd be scared to leave. I'm doing that to the secretary. That's all right. You tell us. What is your Sam's devil of the secretary for tonight? Nighteen. I will do one of my most famous movies. I call it the case of the murdered flowers or they caught him with his plants down. Yes. I'm Sam's devil of the secretary. It's warm in my little office. It's been warm and sticky all afternoon. On my way to the office, I ran into Harry the Mug. Joe the Mug and Frankie the Mug. It's really been a muggy day.