 The Colgate Palm Olive Peat Company makers of luster cream shampoo and Colgate dental cream bring you our Miss Brooks starring Eve Arden And we should like to open our show with greetings and best wishes from Colgate Palm Olive Peat for a gloriously merry Christmas And now our Miss Brooks It's time once again for another comedy episode of Our Miss Brooks under the direction of Al Lewis Well, many of us are spending this Christmas Eve with our families and friends But our Miss Brooks who teaches English at Madison High School isn't quite so fortunate No, my family was too far away to visit and it seems my friends had other plans But I made up my mind not to brood about it and I was trimming a rather tiny tree in our living room When Mrs. Davis, my landlady, joined me That's quite a nice Christmas tree, Connie It isn't really a Christmas tree, Mrs. Davis, it's called a friendship tree You see, I trim it by putting all my greeting cards on the branches with strips of cellophane tape Looks nice, doesn't it? Yes, it does. You certainly received some pretty cards this year And the sentiments are so lovely Look at this one I got from my principal Mr. Conklin, what does it say, dear? It's very heartwarming, Mrs. Davis It says, to Miss Brooks, may the coming year bring you much more efficiency in your work Signed, oh Conklin Oh, I can hardly believe it's Christmas time again What happy memories I have of the earlier Christmases There was one I'll never forget I was just eight years old and when I tiptoed into the living room There was my father standing with a tree The minute he saw me, his eyes crinkled up and he started to laugh So that his big white beard and its huge punch just shook with glee Your father was made up of Santa Claus? No, he always looked that way But you get back to the present, Connie I'd love to stay here and celebrate Christmas Eve with you But I promised my sister Angela I'd come over to her place You remember, Angela, the absent-minded one Oh, certainly, Mrs. Davis She always got a big thrill out of the holidays too Even when we were girls Of course, the poor dear could never remember when it was actually Christmas And one Christmas day she did the funniest thing What was that, Mrs. Davis? What's what, dear? What did Angela do? Angela Your sister My sister The absent-minded one What did she do? Well, I haven't spoken to Angela in some time What has she been up to? I wish I knew Maybe I can refresh your memory Christmas morning, Angela did the funniest thing Christmas morning isn't until tomorrow, Connie You must be confused Well, don't worry about it I only get these spells once in a while Well, you shouldn't let it go, Connie If you don't mind my offering a little advice I'd like to suggest that you train your mind to concentrate more I'll do it, Mrs. Davis Now then, I've developed a little scheme Which works wonders for me Supposing you have trouble remembering Where you put things around the house Well, you just keep repeating the location to yourself For the sort of rhythm For example, I just chant to myself The mustard's in the closet The bread is in the box The mustard's in the closet The bread is in the box Now isn't that simple? Mustard's in the closet Bread That's wonderful, Mrs. Davis If anybody wants a mustard sandwich, you're really ready Yes Now, before I do anything else I want to invite you to join me tonight Join you? Yes, dear I'm going over to... Angela's house Oh, yes, that's right Oh, she's so cute with that little absent mind of hers Why, sometimes she forgets what she was talking about Right in the middle of a... Oh, dear me, I hope there's enough milk for the cat Well, I'm sure if we... But then maybe someday Or if it doesn't seem to And that's why I can't join you tonight But thanks anyway, Mrs. Davis I'll just spend a quiet evening at home here But how about Mr. Boynton? Don't tell me he was too shy To ask you for a date on Christmas Eve Why do you think there's mistletoe on all four walls? No, Mr. Boynton asked me all right But then he canceled yesterday Said he's going upstate to visit his folks for a couple of days But don't worry about me, Mrs. Davis I'll have a gay time I'll listen to the radio, read And from this window I can see our neighbor's television antenna But what about the little gifts you've got for Walter Denton And Mr. and Mrs. Conklin and Harriet When are you going to deliver them? They told me not to bother They said we'd exchange on the 26th The 26th? But I don't think the day after Christmas Is the time to exchange gifts You don't You should see the department stores What's that, Mrs. Davis? Oh, it's Minerva Where are you, dear? Oh, she's over by the tree Here over, I'm Minerva Isn't it the strangest thing How she bites at the pine needles? I guess the rosin in them appeals to her I swear she likes the taste of it I guess to her it's like a Tom and Jerry Or rather a Minnie and a Mickey Come here, Minerva We might as well get friendly We're going to spend the evening together Well, I'll be running along now, dear I hope you won't feel too lonely I'll be fine, Mrs. Davis After all, I do have an imagination I'll hang up my stocking in a little while Then when I'm pretending I'm asleep I'll sneak in and fill it Before you know it, it'll be midnight Midnight of Christmas Eve I can just picture it A short, thin man in a black suit Come sliding down the chimney with an empty bag St. Penelus, the schoolteacher, Santa Claus Well, at least you're not bitter Now, Connie, about my sister... Angela Oh, thank you, dear About my sister Angela Yes? Good night, Dorothy Good night, Bernice Oh, stop drinking those pine needles, Minerva Come over here That's a good kitty Now, I'll just settle down and Mrs. Davis is rocker And we'll have ourselves a nice, quiet rock I've got to exercise more My bones are rusting Oh, it's the rocker It's kind of soothing at that You seem contented enough, Minerva Because the night before Christmas And all through the house Not a creature was stirring Not even a mouse Sorry, Minerva I didn't mean to catch you Gosh, I'm sleepy Now, who can that be? Expecting anyone, Minerva? That's funny, nobody's here I'm here Where? Oh, leaning on my knee What can I do for you? I'm a salesman But I don't believe in giving any sales talk or sob stories All I do is tell you what I'm selling And if you want to buy, okay If not, okay Okay, what are you selling? Well, it's Christmas Eve I'm just a small urchin A little on the underprivileged side I'm trying to make a few dollars to get some wood To heat our tiny apartment So while she's singing to my three sick sisters My mother's lips don't turn blue That's what I like No sob stories They're selling handkerchiefs I'll take six No, ma'am I'm selling Christmas trees They're only a dollar a piece Oh, I've already got a tree It'll make it 50 cents But I don't need to be... How about a quarter? Look, little boy I can arrange payments Please take one, ma'am These aren't ordinary trees, you know They're magic Magic? Yes, ma'am You'd be surprised what miracles will happen Well, a quarter isn't too much to pay for a miracle It's 50 cents I thought you said 25 That's when you saw her tupper to sell Oh, well, before I melt down to my coal buttons And the stovepipe hat, here's 50 cents You won't be sorry, ma'am Here's a little tree Say, it's kind of cute at that Would you like to come in and help me set it up? No, I can't I gotta get right home My sitter's been alone long enough Sitter? What about your mother and the firewood? That's just a routine My folks are attending a dinner The other bank presidents are giving for father With a pitch you've got You'll have your own bank by the time you're 12 Thanks a lot Good night, lady Merry Christmas Same to you, you little underprivileged millionaire I'll put this tree over here Maybe we can find some extra trimmings for it in the morning Minerva, will you stop gnawing on those pine needles? I wish I knew what made them so appetizing to her Meow Now you come here and let those things alone There we are Well, I guess I'm not the only one that's spending Christmas Eve alone Without family or friends But who can tell? Maybe Santa Claus has something up his big red sleeve That I don't even know about yet Of course, I do have a squeaky rocker and Minerva Jingle bells, jingle bells And merry stuff like that Oh, what fun it is to rock with a big fat drunken cat I had in the living room Christmas Eve With Minerva the cat on my lap I couldn't help noticing that the tree Which I'd bought from that wealthy urchin Had a rather peculiar luminosity Although there wasn't any artificial illumination It seemed to glow from deep down in its branches As I rocked back and forth I started to get very drowsy The little boy said this tree was magic, Minerva Meow I don't believe it either Still, it is Christmas Eve So very strange things have happened on Christmas Eve What's that? Oh, I must have been dozing Coming Well, it's Walter Denton Come in, Walter No, use no way Gracias Into the living room, Walter Thanks, Miss Brooks Here, I brought you this little gift to put under your tree Oh, that was very thoughtful, Walter Put it under this tree over here Okay Say, you got two trees, haven't you? Yes, one for Minerva and one for me Meow Don't pay any attention to her She's pine needle happy Well, Miss Brooks, as you know I was supposed to spend the evening Nestled snugly in the tight little confines Of my own small immediate family circle For heaven's sakes come out of there You're giving me claustrophobia But I went to my father and mother And crowed their permission Wait a minute, Walter You crowed their permission? Yeah Crave, craven, crow, isn't it? Of course not Crave, crave Let's see Crave, craven After you crowed their permission My presents for a long enough while For me to deliver to you, Miss Brooks The little token of my esteem and affection Which is now ensconcing under the tree Walter, are you still in my English class? Sure, Miss Brooks I'd better bone up a little One of us is going to flunk this term What I'd like to say, Miss Brooks Is something that I've wanted to say for a long time Yes, Walter It's a little on the sentimental side Perhaps for a so-called Hep high school boy to be telling the teacher But it's sincere, Miss Brooks I'm sure it is It's something I feel deep down inside of me, Miss Brooks From whence so many of one's Warmer emotion stem That's whence they stem from, all right Of course, even if it does seem Over sentimental or even downright sticky Christmas Eve seems to be the time You can say things like this And not sound over sentimental or sticky Christmas Eve is the time to say them I just hope I hear them by New Year's Eve What I want you to know, Miss Brooks Is that I'm grateful For what? For my association with you During the past semester at Madison High School Well, thank you, Walter I've tried to be a capable teacher Oh, your teaching was nothing I don't mean scholastically As a teacher, you were very adequate I mean personally The interest you took in me and my problems For that I could never thank you If I lived to be a hundred Of course, you'd be gone a long time by then I owe Noel to you too You don't know what it's meant to me To have your ear whenever I needed it It was nothing really, I have another one Especially about girls Gosh, remember how silly I used to act about girls Every time when I've looked at me I giggled like a kid And then overnight I matured I met the one woman who mattered Harriet Conklin She certainly made something out of you, Walter I don't know what, but something And you saw me through the difficult Transition period of thatimour as well While Harriet and I were adjusting to one another It was wonderful to be able to come to you For advice, Miss Brooks It isn't every boy who has such an interest Taken in him by some intelligent, elderly person Give me back my ear, I can't hear you Not that you're ancient or anything Gosh, I've seen girls who don't look as good as you do Girls? What do you think I am? Shut up, Minerva By the way, Miss Brooks I see you've got lots of mistletoe on the walls Were you expecting Mr. Boynton tonight? Yes, Walter, I was We were going for a wheelchair ride together But he had to visit his folks upstate His folks? Gosh, they must be well along in years His father's over 50 They may shoot him next spring Look, Walter, while you're here You might as well pick up the little gift I got for you Oh, but you shouldn't have, Miss Brooks, where is it? Under the tree on your right It isn't much, just a remembrance Gee, I almost forgot I can't open it yet Why not? Oh, you mean you want to put it under your tree at home And open it with your family Not exactly, but I'll get it later, Miss Brooks There they are now, I'll answer it There, who are now? Come on in We should have stayed home Christmas Eve Besides, it's freezing out Now, Osgood, don't be so grouchy Hello, Miss Brooks, Merry Christmas Why, it's Mr. and Mrs. Conklin and Harriet How are you all? I'm cold It's too bad Come here, Minerva Rub up against Mr. Conklin Meow What's that? Go away, Cat She seems to like you, Osgood Or is she hungry, Miss Brooks? She's not that hungry I don't like cats Why doesn't she go chase a mouse or something? You forget, Mr. Conklin This is Christmas Eve There isn't one stirring Say, Harriet, yes, Walter? There's a lot of mistletoe around this room I know, it's real pretty Osgood, notice all the mistletoe in this room What? Oh, that green stuff More often than not, it makes me sneeze Oh, come on, Osgood Let's see if it does Oh, now Martha, don't embarrass me I don't like that It doesn't make you sneeze Does it, Harriet? I'm willing to find out Here's a nice wreath of it on this wall Yeah Well, here we are If it's all right with Harriet, it's all right with us Come on, Walter We're getting our shoes to lead Harriet Isn't that cute, Osgood? Oh, come here, dear How about one for your faithful old wife? Well, it is customary, I guess There, I'm under the stuff Now, pucker up, dear Very well, there you are You see, I told you I told you Now, let's stop this romantic dribble and act like adult human beings Miss Brooks, I'd like to take advantage of this visit to inquire as to your plans for the coming year's classwork Do you have your schedule all laid out? Frankly, Mr. Conklin, I haven't had much chance to work on anything Haven't had much of a chance, but you've been away from school all week Your vacation started last Monday I know, Mr. Conklin, and that's what I took the week as I mean, a vacation is something you go on when you get the opportunity to You don't work on it or during it unless, even though I didn't actually go anywhere when my vacation came along, I went on it or was on one, usually And you wanted to be the head of the English department These are as good as this is no time to talk of school affairs We're here to spend part of our holiday with Miss Brooks It was very nice of you to think about me, Mrs. Conklin It was nice of all of you I want to wear a Walter and Harriet Denton, get my daughter away from that mistletoe at once But Mr. Conklin, Harriet isn't allergic to mistletoe No, but I'm allergic to you Harriet's almost irresistible sometimes especially alongside older women like Mrs. Conklin and Miss Brooks Sounds like the bell, I'll get it Boynton, come in Thanks, Miss Brooks But I thought you were going upstate to see your folks I was, but they sent me a wire that they wanted to come here for about a week or so they'll arrive in the morning so I thought I'd drop this little gift off for you tonight Oh, but you shouldn't have, where is it? Let's just put it under the tree in the living room Look who's here, everybody Well, it's Mr. Boynton Hi there, Mr. B This is nice Hello, Boynton Pretty cold out, isn't it? Hello, folks This is beginning to get more like Christmas Eve every minute Sit down, Mr. Boynton I'm certainly glad your folks decided to visit you instead of vice versa So am I There's a particularly good reason why I'm glad There is? Yes, it gives me a chance to see how my guinea pigs are affected by this cold snap So far they haven't reacted at all What do you expect them to do? Blow on their paws? Miss Brooks, have you pointed out the mistletoe to Mr. Boynton? Why don't you stop that nonsense, Martha? It isn't nonsense Mr. Boynton, look at the mistletoe Mistletoe? Oh, oh yes, a very interesting example of the flora found in various areas throughout the globe An evergreen parasitic shrub It is indigenous to the regions where apple trees and oaks are bound Now that the lecture is over, may we ask questions? Certainly, Miss Brooks Wanna stand under it? Stand under it? Well, you see, because of certain characteristics in its makeup An allergy is sometimes aggravated by its presence I'll take a chance if you will Come on, Mr. Boynton Yeah, come on, Mr. Boynton Just bring him over to this wall here Well, I'll get under it if you like Well, don't just stand there Can't you see Miss Brooks is cooking? Well, don't fuss for me, I couldn't eat a thing Not standing under the mistletoe signifies? Well, I know what it signifies to most people But to me, it's just... Adjum! Well, there goes 85 cents worth of mistletoe I know what let's do Let's open up the presents right now A splendid suggestion, Walter Shouldn't we wait until just before we leave Might be less embarrassing that way Well, if you want to open them now Gally, this one tree is pretty crowded I'll put some of these packages under this little one over here Look out, Walter, you're bumping into one of the branches Look out! I'm just feeling when I touch that branch What kind of a feeling, Walter? Well, you're Harriet Conklin, aren't you? Well, sure I'm Harriet Conklin Walter, what's the matter with you? Nothing, nothing's the matter with me It's just that I want to tell you something Harriet, you've got to change You want to try to be more like Miss Brooks What do you mean, Walter? If you want me to stay interested in you You've got to be more alluring, youthful, glamorous Feminine in that real feline Brooks way Walter, have you been drinking pine needles, too? Look at that tree, it seems to be glowing What do you mean, glowing? It's just the reflection from the street lights This party's giving me the me-me Holidays, indeed Here, I'll just move the tree where it won't glisten in our eyes Here we go Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas Ho, ho! Merry Christmas Of course I'm Mr. Conklin Happy-go-lucky, fun-loving, gag-a-minute Osgood Gag-a-minute Osgood? Sometimes I've wanted to Miss Brooks, is that really you standing there? I think so, Mr. Conklin, why do you ask? Because you suddenly look so different, so intelligent Miss Brooks, I have made up my mind You are now head of the Madison High English Department You fun-loving Osgood I'm going to put this wonderful tree where it belongs Right in the center of the room Give me a hand, Boynton Yes, Mr. Conklin, I'll just take this hand here and Miss Brooks Yes, Mr. Boynton Come here, baby I said come here, Connie No, you said come here, baby, and I'm here Look, he's taking her over to the mistletoe Isn't it wonderful? What are you going to do, Mr. Boynton? Just call me Phil, Connie And this is what I'm going to do Wonderful, beautiful dream Mr. Boynton, where are you? That's real enough, I'll be right there Oh, sorry, Minerva, I didn't mean to drop you Mr. Boynton, but you all just left I mean, come in We thought it would be nice if we spent our Christmas Eve together, Miss Brooks Yes, and we brought a few little gifts over for you I'll just put them under this tree here Yes, do that, Walter Aren't you going to ask me why I didn't go upstate, Miss Brooks? I know why, Mr. Boynton, your folks are coming down to see you How did you know that? I just got the telegram Don't let's get too carried away with the holidays We've got to prepare for a hard school season ahead, Miss Brooks Oh, let's not talk about school affairs now, Osgood Walter, look at the mistletoe Yeah, look at it Now, just a minute, before we go through all that again Would you please touch the tree, Mr. Boynton? The one on the left with the... My, it's gone There's only one tree Miss Brooks, are you all right? Of course I'm all right Could I have dreamt that part, too? Mr. Boynton, would you do me a favor, please? Of course, Miss Brooks, what is it? Would you touch the Christmas tree? Touch it, but I... Please, it's important Well, all right There Nothing happened What did you expect would happen? A miracle Excuse me, I'll be right back I had a lurchin' and I'm selling magic Christmas trees But you just came here... Please buy one, lady, they only cost 50 cents a piece 50 cents? That's right Here's two dollars, give me four of them This is Eve Arden From the bottom of my heart To you in the audience To you in every home, on every road In every city and town In the busy places and in the lonely places Oh, a very merry Christmas to each of you With our sponsor, the Colgate Palm Olive Pete Company Who make luster cream shampoo And Colgate dental cream All of us here in the studio Have gathered to wish all of you Throughout our beautiful and bountiful land The most joyous of Christmases And may these words ring round the world And sink deep in the heart of everyone Peace on earth, goodwill towards men Merry, merry Christmas, everyone Our Mystery Liberally's Trinket of Laughs Listen to Mystery Mrs. Norrie Tune in Tuesday evening Over most of these same stations And be with us again next week At the same time for another comedy episode Of Our Miss Brooks, Bob LeMond Speaking Stay tuned now for Jack Benny This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System