 Hello there my beautiful lovely talented and a delightful internet friends welcome back to my channel Thank you so much for joining me here today on footless Joe. I am Joe I'm missing a meat foot a real foot I've got a plastic one and I want to start today's video off by noting the fact that this is the most Instagram Filter worthy video. I think I've ever done what I mean by that my mug kind of matches my shirt Which kind of matches the candle I have burning in the background for ambiance All I'm saying is I did it and I do think that is important to note moving forward with the important stuff out What we're actually talking about today is growing up being a teenager living through surgeries and chronic pain and injuries This actually sculpted my life quite a lot and I received a comment in the comment section Quite a while ago asking what it was like growing up always having surgeries and being on crutches And I was like, you know what? I think I could give you the broad brush stroke answer of like Oh, I had a different experience than most kids growing up and I kind of went along my merry way I never thought about it further than really just that thought but I've spent some time Ruminating over this idea of what did that do for me or with me or to me What what did living surgery to surgery and getting really talented on crutches and being very used to sitting for a long period of time and being in Pain as a kid as my brain was developing as my life was developing What effect honestly did that have on me and so I thought about it I've journal about it and I'm here to share with you guys today If you are a young person who is going through chronic pain injury surgery chronic illness My heart goes out to you. You are a rock star for getting through it, but I know that it's Special unique. It's a weird kind of living So this is simply my story and I would love to hear from you in the comment section down below If you can relate or if you have any questions as we dive in if you could if you would allow me to do the YouTuber thing and ask you to like this video right there and subscribe That would be absolutely fantastic if you felt like doing it if you liked this video if you like this channel I'd love to see you back here as we continue to launch into today's video I would like to introduce you to our sponsor today proper living company The proper pistol is something that I have been wondering about and wanting to use for a very long time. Look at this It's heavy-duty. So what this is is it's a massage tool and as someone who is pretty active. I'm hopping on my bike most mornings I'm trying to go for a walk or I'm stretching or doing yoga or doing some kind of strength training Also, someone who deals with chronic pain and has difficulty sleeping. 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Thank you so much proper living I would highly recommend checking out these products all linked down below and with that being said let's continue with this video So let us travel back in time the year 2006 as many of you know I was very into horses growing up and I worked at a local barn I got a corgi puppy from them and to work off my debt for that puppy I would muck out stalls and clean the horses and things of that nature and I learned to ride a little bit when I was there And one day I was able to go on a trail ride in this big wide open field on this x-rays horse called Georgia And she liked going very fast and I was not that skilled of a rider So I took a tumble in that field broke my ankle and that changed my life forever And here's the thing kids break things right like teenagers children break bones That's not an uncommon occurrence, but the way that I shattered my ankle was very unique It was very specific. In fact, it was so interesting that when we got the x-rays back in the ER later that day Doctors called other doctors in to take a look because they were like I've never seen this before It's not a good thing to be interesting to a doctor. You want to be very very boring But I was I was the star patient that day because I had something they hadn't seen before What happened is that my tibia had broken off at my ankle and been shoved up about an inch into my leg It was a weird break. It was not comfortable and I ended up having to have surgery for it three days later It was too swollen right away. They couldn't do the surgery. They had to wait for the swelling to go down So I realized that many people have gone through life and never had a surgery In fact, I was talking to a new friend the other day and they mentioned. Yeah, they never had surgery They were curious what it was like. It's always weird to me. I'm like, oh wait There are people who don't have a morning routine before surgery, right? Like who don't do that's not a normal part of their lives So at 13 I had my first surgery and it went well Except that it didn't heal well and two months after that first surgery They had to go in surgically break my ankle again Realign things because they didn't want it healing wrong and be walking funny It's funny to me looking back now that they didn't want me walking funny. Well done guys. Just kidding. It's not their fault I don't think it could be it could be their fault. So two surgeries under my belt. I went along my merry way Now as a 13 14 year old I'll be honest I don't remember a whole lot of that time But what I do remember very clearly is what came next Because with that second surgery my ankle was supposed to heal fine It was supposed to just be good to go no problems once I had gone through physical therapy and all of that But it didn't it didn't get better Um, I remember very distinctly waking up in the morning and going to the cupboard where we had our dishes The intersection where like the cupboard doors closed right there is where I would stick the bottle of rapid release Advil gels and I would take a lot of those every day I would take those every morning when I got up I was just popping Advil like nobody's business as a 14 year old and as time went on it just got worse And I think I was pretty decent in hiding pain even when I was little even when I was younger Um, so this went on for quite some time and by the time I was 15 We knew something was not right and I went back to the surgeon And I have a very clear picture in my mind of my surgeon's face as he walked in The room to tell a 15 year old girl that she had no cartilage left in her ankle And one of the reasons that that really matters is they don't have a good way to replace cartilage once it's gone It's gone. Maybe there are cool options now Over a decade ago. That was not the case. So really the only option I had left was to fuse my ankle What that meant for my future and the reason why his face was so ashen. First of all, it shouldn't have happened They never had an explanation for why all of my cartilage just disappeared and I was walking with bones grinding on bones And also had implications for my future theory. I wouldn't ever be able to run I would always be a little bit different But I always appreciated that his face and his attitude did convey the significance of that result So long story short, I went and found a surgeon who specialized in these things And this is where my memory of life in general clears up a little bit. I remember being a 15 year old I remember going to that appointment and I remember really not liking that doctor And I remember thinking even as a 15 year old There's something about this guy that I really don't like and I really don't trust But he's the best but he's the person everyone says to go to and I remember having a conversation with my dad A few weeks before surgery because it was scheduled to have the ankle fusion and everything was going to be awesome I had a very teenage angst moment of being like no I don't want him to be my doctor and my dad being a good dad was like I hear you I understand you but this is the guy who's good at it. So this is who we're gonna go with Okay, so I totally forgot to mention that in the end. Uh, I did get a different surgeon to do the surgery There was a very talented young surgeon who would just come to town right before my surgery and in a twist of fate He ended up being the one to do the fusion which worked out well But at the time I was not happy But it was a very real moment for me of feeling helpless Of feeling like I didn't have any control over my own life. I didn't have any control over what my body was doing to me I didn't have control over who was doing what they were doing in my ankle and It started a dark spiral for me It was right around that time that I developed an eating disorder and looking back it makes a lot of sense I felt completely out of control with everything around me. I didn't have Say in what was happening to my body. I knew that things were changing and changing rapidly I knew that I was gonna have to go through more surgeries And being a lot more pain in my life was gonna change forever, but I didn't know what to do about it I didn't have the tools to articulate these things and so I just I stopped eating and I got very unhealthy With how I viewed my body and how I view what I was eating that took years to recover from now that surgery that fusion went Okay, all things considered it was considered a success But as I recovered from that I was on crutches for months And I remember going to these classes and like seeing my friends after getting out of surgery and trying to be Normal and cool and just being exhausted I remember being so exhausted Having to go everywhere and try to keep up with people and crutches But I adapted because teenagers are awesome because our bodies adapt to things that are thrown at us for the most part And I'm really lucky that I didn't have people around me that made fun of me or bullied me or anything like that I was in one of those super trendy walking boots for quite some time But eventually things normalized. I started being able to do more things. I got into this martial art called k2 I'm not even sure if it's still a thing But that really like sparked my love for martial arts, which has followed me to this present day training in jiu-jitsu And after that fusion, I kind of thought I was good I thought I'd be good to go But that was not the case and I had to go back in for a hardware removal There were six screws and a plate in there They got five of the screws and the plate out one screw was permanently embedded in the bone because the bone had Like grown around it So I went through that okay, no big deal, but that still didn't fix the problems I was still having a lot of trouble walking So then they went back in did like a special injection Tried to clean things out and then I went on my merry way again But that didn't quite work that worked for a little while and then it stopped working So from the age of 13 onward I had this pattern of going to see a doctor having them say you need surgery or this injection me being like Okay, cool. I trust you and then getting cut open and poked and prodded and recovering for weeks at home And then getting back to things and then realizing a year later. This didn't work I'm still in a lot of pain going back in and the process would continue all over again I think one of the times I had the most difficult time with it was probably at 19 I'd gotten into like my dream school not because of the education the education was great But the environment there was absolutely fantastic and I felt like I was really becoming Me and then my ankle got really really bad and I could walk But I could barely walk and I was popping painkillers like it was candy and For that reason and a number of other reasons I had to come back home and had more work done on it I've told this story on my channel before but the long and short of it is that pattern continued until My ankle got so bad. There was nothing really anyone could do that would actually help it I was in a ton of pain. I couldn't do anything I loved So we went forward with the decision to amputate so that I could actually walk and try to do things again But looking back at my teenage years the first thing that comes to mind when I think about how did that affect me? Or how did that change me having a lot of physical pain seeing doctors all the time going through surgeries I think what I learned as a kid, which has taken a while to unlearn was to hide my feelings I was very good at being the easy to work with person easy to work with patient Easy friend like I didn't complain a lot. I didn't talk a lot about how difficult things were I didn't talk ever. I don't think about how difficult things were. I just soldiered through I was congratulated for being strong and perseverant and not getting better when I could have gotten better And I appreciate all those things. And yes, those were all choices But at the same time, I think I learned when like bad thing after bad thing or just difficult thing Happened to me was I didn't I didn't want to feel emotions I didn't want to feel the things that I was feeling about my life being interrupted so often about having a very unusual Experience for people my age about having no one around me who I could relate to on this I just sort of internally shut down and that's my coping mechanism. Anyways, that's just a personality trait I have that has taken a lot of therapy to work through But I think my little 15 16 year old mind took people's very kind compliments of me going through this in a strong way As a reason why I couldn't ever be emotional or couldn't ever really have a hard time or cry about this And I'm sure I had my moments, but for the most part I kept it together. I was strong I didn't talk about the loss. I didn't think about the loss of many years of my life and many Childhood experiences that I didn't have. I just did it. I just got through it and for the record That's not a bad thing. That's survival. But looking back I realized even to this day that I'm still processing some of the feelings that I just shoved in a box at that point On a happier note, I do think that going through that at such a young age Taught me that people genuinely want to help and it's a belief I carry with me to this day Being a kid and a teenager on crutches or in pain People always wanted to be there. People always wanted to help. I had good friends I had a great family. Thank you mom and dad and sam and I was super independent, right? Like I wanted to do things my own way on top of being a teenager who was like rebelling anyways I also like had a very independent spirit and I wanted to open doors on my own and carry big backpack Well and crutches and in pain and it became very clear to me that people genuinely want to help I think I started learning though It has taken another decade to actually learn this to let other people help me to let other people be there When I don't have to do something on my own I think I began to ingest the seeds of enjoying the moments I have when I have them because they might not last with my ankle constantly having issues and constantly failing I think instinctively I started really enjoying the times when it was good Really loving the fact that I had a body and I could do something with that body I really appreciate strength and not take things for granted. God. I hate that phrase because it sounds so cliche But it also is so important. I feel like I'm relearning that now right now. My leg is doing great It's doing good. I'm able to walk I went for a hike for an hour with my friend the other day like it's cool things are happening But tomorrow it might be awful Tomorrow the bone spur that is at the end of my leg might become too big a problem I might have to have surgery again You never know right you just you never know and I learned as a teenager and again now that all we can really do Is appreciate the time we have and do the best things that we can do with those moments Something I definitely wish I had learned a little bit more about was being assertive with doctors I was taught to respect authority to some extent growing up I think to some extent it's good to respect people in authority I really saw doctors as like gods I saw doctors as these super cool people who could go in and fix things when I was like 13 and 14 And as time went on I began to realize they're they're making their best guess like they're trying hard They're looking at images and making assumptions and they're going in and performing surgeries and that itself Is some guess work and they aren't infallible for a long time I was scared to ever voice any opinions with doctors because they're the authority. I'm the patient I'm just going to do what they say but over time I began realizing it is okay to ask questions It is okay to look into things on your own It's not an insult to get a second opinion for a long time I had this weird thing about getting a second opinion because what if the other doctor knew that I talked to someone else about My condition and it's my body. I can do that It took me a minute to really understand that so my teenage life was very interrupted by surgeries and having to take weeks Or months off or being on crutches, but I also did have a lot of normal experiences They were just abbreviated. They were just a little bit different like I participated in sports. I did that martial art I went to my friend's school dance like I had a date there. It was it was great for martial arts There were some things I couldn't do because of my ankle and I modified them going to that school dance I couldn't wear heels because my ankle didn't bend like that anymore And so I just wore these cute little ballet flats that my mom found me having my formative years be Constant wrenches being thrown into life Definitely taught me a lot about going with the flow and when things explode, there's probably a way to pick up the pieces Right, there's probably a way to keep going and I do appreciate that knowledge I think as a 29 year old I'm still realizing some of the effects that Growing up with some challenges had for the longest time. I didn't ever want to acknowledge that it was hard It was hard. It was hard being a teenager who couldn't do certain things It was hard being in a lot of pain and going under the knife consistently Like that was difficult and for a long time I think I was afraid that if I admitted that was difficult It would make me weak if I admitted that that was difficult It would mean that I was like bitter and not moving on when that's not at all the case It's important to process emotions. It's human. It's normal. We all have feelings for a reason They are protective. They are human. They are real and it's okay to feel those things If there's one thing that I could say to anyone out there, especially a younger person going through difficult things I would encourage you to feel what you're feeling that it really is okay to be mad or grieve or sob or laugh hysterically Whatever it is that you're feeling wherever you are is normal is okay I'm still in the process of giving myself permission for that now I think it'll be a lifelong journey But here we are and I'm really grateful to have made it through that time in my life with the support that I had Thank you to the person in the comment section weeks or months ago who asked me about this You've given me a lot to think about over the past couple weeks. I appreciate that a huge Thank you again and to our sponsor for today's video all their information is linked down below Also from the bottom of my heart. Thank you to all my patrons over on patreon for choosing to support this channel For continuing to support what i'm doing. It means the world to me. I don't take you for granted Thank you if you're interested in being a part of this patreon community Check out the link on screen or in the description down below to see what rewards and what tier levels There are for being a patron community member and most importantly To you watching this video right now Thank you so much for spending a few minutes out of your day here with me hearing my story You could be anywhere in the world doing absolutely anything and you chose to spend a few minutes with me And that means the world to me. Thank you. I love you guys I'm thinking about you and I will see you in the next video. Bye guys