 Men who are doing this will rarely commit to you and we're gonna get into this in just about a second. But I wanna share something personal with you that illustrates a point I'm about to make. And that is, have you ever walked into a grocery store, a liquor store, a gas station and a home, what appears to be a homeless person comes to you and asks for some money. Most likely to buy alcohol or even drugs in their life. And have you ever said go get a job or something like that, has that ever happened to you? The reason why I'm sharing this with you, if it's happened to me recently and I thought to myself, this person must be in so much pain that they have to panhandle in this moment to buy most likely alcohol in front of a liquor store to relieve the pain that they're experiencing. And that's what we're gonna talk about today is pain men and women experience in their dating, mating and relating life. So I wanna read to you a comment that came through me through one of my social media posts and says, Jonathan Asley, since you work with mature, single men and women and women wanting to improve themselves, you typically work with those who have or are doing their work and investing in their personal growth. As a father of two boys and four girls, this guy was busy. I have raised my children to know that investing in themselves is the greatest investment they can ever make. With that being said, here are my comments. In my life experience and in particular, as of late, is it true that alcohol and drugs play a major role in the destruction of all relationships, be it interpersonal family or friends? This is a sensitive subject and a sensitive and subjective subject. I know as there are varying degrees of consumption from casual drinker to daily drinker to full-blown alcoholic. And by the way, what he doesn't mention is drugs in this post, but I also think there's people that use plant-based medicine for spiritual journeys. There's people that use cannabis for healing ailments. And then there are those people that do heavier drugs to zone out. So he doesn't mention that, but I wanted to add that in the mix. It is certainly not a one-size-fits-all application, but address the subject, please. As you deem appropriate, would you share your thoughts and feelings on this most important topic? And he goes on to say a little bit more. So why I'm bringing this up today is shortly after my divorce, I got, after turning 40 and going through divorce in 2005-ish through 2007, I found myself incredibly depressed. I found myself in not just the divorce itself, but I also lost my high-paying corporate job. And then there was the market crash of 2007. And during that period of time, I began consuming a lot of alcohol and I also did cocaine to self-medicate from the pain I was experiencing. I was doing drugs and alcohol to numb the pain. And yet I was still actively dating in the single marketplace. I was on the online dating sites. I was on, back then it was Yahoo! Personals and AOL Personals. I'm laughing because I'm just feeling nostalgic for a moment, thinking back to that. At the same time, I was in a tremendous amount of pain and actually online dating was another form of clouding the pain, of numbing the pain. So not only was there alcohol, not only was there drugs, but there was also online dating to numb the pain. Why was online dating numbing the pain? Because interacting with women, having women interested in me was filling that void that was inside of myself. I was experiencing a huge void. Within myself. In fact, that void was quite frankly, not loving myself. And when I think of that person that was asking for money at the liquor store, in that space, they're most likely feeling a deep pain, a deep pain. And that pain is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable, I have no purpose, I have no direction. And we can criticize that person or those people that use drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, to gas like the pain, or even those that use online dating as a version to numb or gas like the pain. The real truth it is, we are swimming in a sea of emotional pain out in the universe, or at least here in the United States, this universe that we live in. So coming back to his post, he mentions about doing the work. Well, this is why I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self-Love? Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Upspurture Work. I actually share my journey over the last 20 years to be in a place where I don't need drugs and alcohol or even online dating to numb the pain. See, here's the thing, when someone is in such pain, they rarely can they fully commit to someone. Rarely can they fully commit to someone. Now, I know everything I'm sharing with you is rather obvious. You probably wouldn't want to be dating someone who uses drugs and alcohol to numb the pain, but many people are so good at hiding this, you may not be aware until it's too late, until you are hooked on this person. If you're not familiar with my chart, I share this regularly, the three types of people actively dating, this is not a fact, it's merely an opinion, but there are the users, the spenders and the grower and builders, and I say it's roughly 20% are users, 60% are spenders and 20% are grower builders. The users are those people that are in it for short-term game, love bombers, players. The grower builders, they want a significant relationship, they have their act together and they're not on drugs and alcohol. The spenders that represent 60% of the population, they want companionship, they want connection, they want sex, but they're incapable of commitment. These are the people that the drugs and alcohol people fall into this category most likely because we are in an environment particularly where there are a lot of people in pain, many of you are in pain as well. This is why I'm such a big proponent of doing the inner work of healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas. And so coming back to online dating, because I'm gonna add this to the piece of what he mentioned, is that right now we have this, think about this for a second. For the first time in history, through our devices, we have the capacity to connect with people we wouldn't otherwise meet in our purview, in our scope of vision, okay? Think about hundreds of years ago. I'll use Native American tribes. Maybe there was 150 people in the tribe. You basically mated within your tribe, right? They were right in front of you. There was no long distance dating. There was no text messaging. There was no Instagram posts. There was no selfies. See, we connected with the people that were right in front of us in our purview. Now, many people, particularly after COVID, live more isolated lives. I know I tend to live in a little bit more of an isolated life. And so through our devices, we can connect with all kinds of people. We can connect with people we wouldn't otherwise have met in our lives. I was in a long distance relationship that turned into a living together situation with someone who I would never have been able to meet if it wasn't for the internet. So there are blessings and curses to the internet. The blessing is we can connect with people we wouldn't otherwise be able to meet. The curses is we could be hiding our deeper pain through the internet. We could be hiding our deeper pain. This is why, folks, I've said this before, and I'd say it again, dating is a vetting process. But Jonathan, I'm just supposed to sit back on my feminine energy and let men all do the work because that's the way it's supposed to work. Men are the leaders. They're the provider protectors. They love the hunt. They love the chase. If I listen to the book, the rules and all these other books that tell me this is what I need to do. Folks, I'm here to say, dating is a vetting process. You know, in the phrase finding a needle in the haystack? Well, the haystack is filled with lots of dysfunctional people. It's not the right, the needle represents the right person, but I'm also here to say the rest of the hay are people who are dysfunctional. This is why, look at right here, jonathanasley.com forward slash coaching. This is where I set up my, I have created a coaching program to teach you how to vet for emotional maturity, how to fix your picker, because many of us have not been indoctrinated in some form of education, particularly because we've been indoctrinated in the fairy tale way of relationships, the Cinderella or the romcom version of relationships instead of the real reality that we are swimming in the sea of humans that are hurting, they're hurting. See, I was hurting because I lost my identity. I was hurting because I lost my job. And in addition, going through a divorce and that is an emotionally traumatic event whether we like it or not. And by the way, it's the unraveling of the tapestry of a life we created with another human being. Even when you date someone for a few months you've curated a life together only to in many cases have it pulled apart from you. Not intentionally, but there's emotional effects that occur when we engage in a romantic relationship with someone and it doesn't work out. So we have to recognize that this is the environment we live in, okay? So what's the antidote to all of this? I'm here to offer, as I said in my book what the heck is self love anyway? First and foremost is to be able to know within yourself that you don't need someone in your life to feel fulfilled. I know many of you know this cognitively but many of you still underneath have your own wounds and pain. So first is recognizing that. Recognizing that every human being across from you every human being that you meet in the dating realm is not a bad person. I wasn't a bad person. I was a train wreck after my divorce and going through my job loss I was a train wreck but I wasn't a bad person. Most everybody is a good person. Even the ones that might be classified as narcissist and players and users they're inherently most humans are good people at their soul, they're a good person. And I just wanna remind you when they were born they were an innocent person. Now that doesn't necessarily, I'm not here to absolve anyone of bad behavior. That's not what I'm trying to say. I'm saying at someone's spirit, they're all good people. Now I did a post that I think really illustrates this. I did it today on my Instagram and it might be worth sharing right now. I wanna show you the meme that came up. It says, souls don't meet by accident. Souls don't meet by accident. Okay, do you have that picture in your head for a second? I wanna read you my commentary. It says, from what I've observed there is quite a bit of judgment and disdain for investing time with a person who is wounded or broken. Let me repeat that. There is quite a bit of judgment and disdain for investing time with a person who is wounded or broken. And I don't believe anyone is broken but we certainly are wounded, okay? The byproduct of these experiences often leads to victim consciousness and bitterness can follow. Let me repeat that. The byproduct of these experiences often leads to victim consciousness and bitterness can follow. What if every encounter has a deeper purpose? If love is never wasted, I'm assuming time can be wasted but love is never wasted. Maybe there are more profound reasons why people meet and whether you are the giver or the receiver everything happens for a reason. I'm gonna repeat that for everyone. What if every encounter has a different purpose? If love is never wasted, maybe there are more profound reasons why people meet and whether you are the giver, the receiver everything happens for a reason. So if you found yourself with a person, drugs, alcohol, or internet dating is their self-medication. Because that's what this is, is self-medication. It's avoiding the pain we're trying to, we're trying to numb the pain, avoid the pain we're experiencing. What if every person you've ever had that you felt like you wasted your time, you felt used? Maybe you gave them a gift. What if we can reframe all of this in a different narrative? What if we can frame it from a positive narrative that we gave this person a gift, a gift of our heart, a gift of our love? My invitation for you is when you can actually honor your gift and if you can look at every past relationship and ask yourself these four questions, these four questions, the first question, what positive things about myself did I learn in this experience? Excuse me, what positive things about myself did I learn in this experience? Number two, how have I healed from this experience? How have I healed from this experience? Number three, what was good about this experience? Hopefully there was some good things, what was good? And number four, what am I most grateful for? When you can actually sit with those questions and answer them in a positive, loving way. When you don't have to point the finger at the other person for being bad, when you're no longer charged, you have a charge. When you think about this other person, when you're sharing about your past experience and you can come at it from a place of gratitude, what was good, how have you healed and what positive things you learned about yourself, you're in a great position to become a magnetic attractor for what you want. Remember earlier we were talking about needle in the haystack and the haystack is filled with dysfunctionality. I'm here to invite you to become the electromagnet so you can magnetize that needle that feels so elusive. How do we do this? First is shoring up our own sovereignty, our own self-worth. Forgive those, not because they deserve or need forgiveness, you forgive them because it benefits you. When you can be in a state of forgiveness for someone, it actually benefits you. And then when you practice intentionality and discernment going forward, when you practice intentionality and discernment going forward, like again, what I teach in my private coaching, you're going to have a greater chance for success. You become a electromagnet for what you want. Many of you want to have a significant relationship but do you have a long-term mating strategy or do you have a short-term mating strategy? Many people have a short-term mating strategy because it's what they can get out of the experience. Instead of what can I give? Just like that meme I showed you that picture of the sewing of the heart. What if it is all about showing up as a giver? Now, I know many of you saying, Jonathan, I am exhausted giving. I get it, it made feel that way. But until you take ownership in your part of every experience, because you are the common denominator, then you're no different than the person who might've, okay, that might seem a little harsh, okay? If we can't take ownership of our part and if we can't take how we benefit and heal, then we're just as broken and wounded as the person who's more deeper broken and wounded. See, just like when there are varying degrees of woundedness and brokenness. And we all have a bit of brokenness and woundedness in us. But does that brokenness and woundedness define our life? Does it define our choices? Are we in charge of our relationship destiny? But Jonathan, men are the leaders, they're supposed to be in charge. Ladies, you're giving the job to the wrong person. Let me be clear. If you think men are the leaders of the relationship, you're giving the job to the wrong person. You are in charge of your relationship destiny. Don't give that up to a man. Not because a man isn't a good person, but women study this material 10 fold. By the way, it's 11-11 on my computer right now at the time I'm recording this. Should I make a wish? I invite my soulmate to enter my life today or my true love, I hope to meet her today and we recognize and see each other. I'm doing that at 11-11. Okay. Oh gosh, I just did a squirrel and I got lost of where I was going with this. Folks, is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Men, who do drugs? Alcohol are addicted to online dating. They rarely can commit. It's not your job to heal them. If you're watching this today and you find yourself in that dynamic, you've done all the work you need to have done for him. It's time to do it for yourself, to redirect all of that love back to yourself so you can become a magnetic attractor for what you want. Because when you heal internally, when you've let go of the charge, when you consciously date with intentionality, when you're vetting people and you approach it with love, you have a greater chance of being that electromagnet I talk about. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. And if it did resonate with you, hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos as well. All right. I think I'm gonna wrap up this video with a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of appreciation. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. I'm asking you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.