 Chapter 28 of Gargantua and Pantagua. This is a Librabox recording. All Librabox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit Librabox.org. Gargantua and Pantagua. Book 1 by Francois Reveille. Translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart. Chapter 28. How Picrocoli stormed and took by assault the rock Clermand and of Grand Gussier's unwillingness and aversion from the undertaking of war. Whilst amongst the skirmish, as we have said, against those which were entered within the coast, Picrocoli in great haste passed the board of Vidi, a very special pass, with all his soldiers and set upon the rock Clermand, where there was made him no resistance at all and because it was already night, he resolved to quarter himself and his army in that town and to refresh himself of his cognitive cold. In the morning he stormed and took the bulwarks and castle, which afterwards he fortified with rampers and furnished with all ammunition requisite intending to make his retreat there if he should happen to be otherwise worsted, for it was a strong place, both by art and nature, in regard of the stance and situation of them. But let us leave them there and return to our good Gargantua, who is at Paris, very assiduous and earnest at the study of good letters and atletical excercitations and to the good old man Grand Gussier, his father, who after supper warmeth his bellocks by a good clear great fire and, waiting upon the boiling of some chestnuts, is very serious and drawing scratches on the hearth that they stick burnt at the one end, wherewith they did stir up the fire, telling to his wife and the rest of the family pleasant old stories and tales of former times. Whilst he was thus employed, one of the shepherds which did keep the vines, named Pilla, came towards him and took the four related the enormous abuses which were committed and the excessive spoils that was made by Picrocoli, King of Lourney, upon his lands and territories, and how he had pillaged, wasted, and ransacked all the country except the enclosure at Savelle, which fired John, Day and Tormeres, to his great honor had preserved and that at the same present time the said king was in the rock Clermont and there, with great industry and circumspection, was strengthening himself and his old army. Alas, alas, alas, said Grand Gussier, what is this, good people? Do I dream, or is it true that they tell me? Picrocoli, my ancient friend of old time, of my own kindred and alliance, comes he to invade me? What moves him? What provokes him? What sets him on? Who drives him to it? Who has given him this counsel? Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, my God, my savior, help me, inspire me, and advise me what I shall do. I protest, I swear before thee, so be thou favorable to me, if ever I did him or his subjects any damage or displeasure or committed any delice robbing me in his country, but on the contrary, I have secured and supplied him with men, money, friendship and counsel upon any occasion wherein I could be steadable for the improvement of his good, that he hath therefore, at this nick of time, so outraged and wrongly he cannot be but by the malevolent and wicked spirit. Good God, thou knowest my courage, for nothing can be hidden from thee. If perhaps he be grown mad, and that thou hath sent him hither to me for the better recovery and re-establishment of his brain, grant me power and wisdom to bring him to the yoke of thy holy will by good discipline. Ho, ho, ho, ho, my good people, my friends and my faithful servants, must I handle you from helping me? Alas, my old age required henceforth nothing else but rest, and all the days of my life I have labored for nothing and so much dis-peace. But now I must, I see it well, mow with arms my poor, weary and feeble soldiers, and take in my trembling hand the lance and horsemen's mace to succour and protect my honest subjects. Reason will have it so, but by their labor am I entertained, and with their sweat am I nourished, I, my children and my family. This notwithstanding, I will not undertake war, until I first tried all the ways and means of peace that I resolved upon. Then assembled he his council, and proposed the matter as it was indeed, whereupon it was concluded that they should send some discreet man unto the Picker Coley. To know wherefore he had thus suddenly broken the peace and invaded those lands unto which he had no right nor title. Furthermore, that they should send for gargantua, and those under his command for the preservation of the country in defense thereof now need. All this please, Grand Gouthier, very well, and he commanded that so it should be done. Presently, therefore, he sent the Basque, his lackey to fetch gargantua, with all diligence, and wrote him as followeth. End of Chapter 28. Chapter 29 of Gargantua and Pantagruel. Book 1. This is a LeBravats recording. All LeBravats recordings are in the public domain. For more information, or to volunteer, please visit LeBravats.org. Gargantua and Pantagruel. Book 1 by Francois Rebelet. Translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart. Chapter 29. The tenure of the letter which Grand Gouthier wrote to his son Gargantua. The fervency of thy studies did require that I should not in a long time recall thee from that philosophical rest thou now enjoyst. If the confidence reposed in our friends and ancient confederates had not at this present disappointed the assurance of my old age, but seeing such as my fatal destiny, that I should be now disquieted by those in whom I trust it most, I am forced to call thee back to help the people and goods, which by the right of nature belong unto thee. For even his arms are weak abroad, if there be not counsel at home, so is that study vain and counsel unprofitable, which in a due and convenient time is not by virtue executed and put in effect. My deliberation is not to provoke, but to appease, not to assault, but to defend, not to conquer, but to preserve my faithful subjects and hereditary domains, into which Picrocole is entered in a hostile manner without any ground or cause, and from day to day pursueth him his furious enterprise, with that height of insolence that is intolerable to freeborn spirits. I have endeavored to moderate his tyrannical color, offering him all that which I thought might give him satisfaction, and often times have I sent lovingly unto him to understand, wearing by home, and how he found himself to be wronged, but of him could I obtain no other answer but a mere defiance, in that in my lands he did pretend only to the right of a civil correspondency and good behavior, whereby I knew that the Eternal God had left him to the disposure of his own free will and central appetite, which cannot choose but be wicked. If by divine grace it be not continually guided, and to contain him within his duty, and bring him to know himself, hath sent him hither to me by a grievous token. Therefore, my beloved son, as soon as thou canst, upon sight of these letters repair hither with all diligence, to succour not me so much, which nevertheless by natural piety thou artest to do, as I know in people, which by reason thou mayst save and preserve. The exploit shall be done with as little effusion of blood as may be, and if possible on means far more expedient, such as military policy, devices, and stratagems of war. We shall save all the souls, and send them home as merry as crickets unto their own houses. My dearest son, the peace of Jesus Christ our Redeemer be with thee. Salute from me, Pornocrates, Gymnastes, and Udoman. The 20th of September. Thou, Father Grand-Gucier. End of Chapter 29 Chapter 30 Of Gagantua and Pantagruel Book 1 This is a LibriVox recording, or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Gagantua and Pantagruel. Book 1 By Francois Reveille Translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart Chapter 30 How Ulrich Gallet was sent unto Picrecole The letters being dictated, signed, and sealed, Grand-Gucier ordained that Ulrich Gallet, master of the requests, a very wise and discreet man, of whose prudence and sound judgment he had made trial in several difficult and debateful matters, should go unto Picrecole to show what had been decreed amongst them. At the same hour departed the good man Gallet, and having passed the fort, asked at the miller that dwelt there and what condition Picrecole was, who answered him that his soldiers had left him neither top nor hen, that they were retired and shut up unto the rock, Claremont, and that he would not advise him to go any further for fear of the scouts, because they were enormously furious, which he easily believed and therefore lodged that night with the miller. The next morning he went with a trumpeter to the gate of the castle to require the guards he might be admitted to speak with the king of somewhat that concerned him. These words being told unto the king, he would by no means consent that they should open the gate, but getting upon the top of the bulwark said unto the ambassador, What is the news? What have you to say? Then the ambassador began to speak as followeth. End of Chapter 30 Gargantua and Pantagruel There cannot arise among men a juster cause of grief than when they receive hurt and damage, where they may justly expect for favour and goodwill, and not without cause, though without reason, have many after they had fallen into such a calamitous accident esteemed this indignity less supportable than the loss of their own lives, in such sort that if they had not been able by force of arms nor any other means by reach of wit or subtlety to stop them in their course and restrain their fury, they have fallen into desperation and utterly deprived themselves of this light. It is therefore no wonder if King Grand-Guzier, my master, be full of high displeasure and much disquieted in mind upon thy outrageous and hostile coming. But truly it would be a marvel if he were not sensible of and moved with the incomparable abuses and injuries perpetrated by thee and thine upon those of his country, towards whom there hath been no example of inhumanity omitted, which in itself is to him so grievous for the cordial affection wherewith he hath always cherished his subjects, that more it cannot be to any mortal man. Yet in this above human apprehension is it to him the more grievous that these wrongs and sad offences have been committed by thee and thine, who time out of mind from all antiquity, thou and thy predecessors have been in a continual league and amity with him and all his ancestors, which even until this time you have as sacred together, inviolably preserved, kept and entertained, so well that not he and his only, but the very barbarous nations of the Poitavins, Breton, Mansour, and those that dwell beyond the aisles of the Canaries, and that of Isabella, have thought it as easy to pull down the firmament and to set up the depths above the clouds as to make a breach in your alliance, and have been so afraid of it in their enterprises that they have never dared to provoke in the sense or endamage the one for fear of the other. Nay, which is more, this sacred league hath so filled the world that there are few nations at this day inhabiting throughout all the continents and aisles of the ocean who have not ambitiously aspired to be received into it upon your own covenants and conditions, holding your joint confederacy in as high esteem as their own territories and dominions, in such sort that from the memory of man there hath not been either Prince or League so wild and proud that dust hath offered to invade. I say not your countries, but not so much as those of your confederates. And if, by rash and heady counsel, they have attempted any new design against them, as soon as they heard the name and title of your alliance, they have suddenly desisted from their enterprises. What rage and madness, therefore, doth now incite thee, all old alliance infringed, all amity trod underfoot and all right violated, thus in a hostile manner to invade his country, without having been by him or his in anything prejudiced, wronged or provoked. Where is faith? Where is law? Where is reason? Where is humanity? Where is the fear of God? Dost thou think that these atrocious abuses are hidden from the eternal spirit and the supreme God who is the just rewarder of all our undertakings? If thou so think, thou deceivest thyself, for all things shall come to pass us in his incomprehensible judgment. He has appointed. Is it thy fatal destiny or influences of the stars that would put an end to thy so long-enjoyed ease and rest? For that all things have their end and period, so as that when they are come to the superlative point of their greatest height, they are in a trice tumbled down again, as not being able to abide long in that state. This is the conclusion and end of those who cannot by reason and temperance moderate their fortunes and prosperities. But if it be predestinated that thy happiness and ease must now come to an end, must it needs be by longing my king, him by whom thou word established. If thy house must come to ruin, should it therefore in its fall crush the heels of him that set it up? The matter is so unreasonable and so dissonant from common sense that hardly can it be conceived by human understanding and altogether incredible unto strangers, till by the certain and undoubted effects thereof it be made apparent that nothing is either sacred or holy to those who, having emancipated themselves from God and reason, do merely follow the perverse affections of their own depraved nature. If any wrong had been done by us to thy subjects and dominions, if we had favoured thy ill-willers, if we had not assisted thee in thy need, if thy name and reputation had been wounded by us, or to speak more truly, if the culminating spirit tempting to induce thee to evil had by false illusions and deceitful fantasies put into thy conceit the impression of a thought that we had done unto thee anything unworthy of our ancient correspondence and friendship, thou autest first to have inquired out the truth, and afterwards by a seasonable warning do admonish us thereof, and we should have so satisfied thee, according to thine own heart's desire, that thou shouldst have had occasion to be contented. But, O eternal God, what is thy enterprise? Wouldst thou, like a perfidious tyrant, thus spoil and lay waste my master's kingdom? Hast thou found him so silly and blockish that he would not, o so destitute of men and money, of counsel and skill in military discipline, that he cannot withstand thy unjust invasion? March hence presently, and to-morrow, some time of the day, retreat unto thine own country, without doing any kind of violence or disorderly act by the way, and pay with all a thousand beasons of gold, which in English money amounteth to five thousand pounds, for reparation of the damages thou hast done in this country. Half thou shalt pay to-morrow, and the other half at the Ides of May next coming, leaving with us in the meantime for hostages, the dukes of turn-bank, low buttock, and small trash, together with the Prince of Ides and Viscount of Snatch-bit. Tourne-moule, pa-de-fesse, menueil, gratelle, mort-piaille. End of chapter thirty-one, Recording by Martin Giesen in Hazelmere Surrey. Chapter thirty-two of Gaugantua and Pantagruel, Book one. This is a LibriVox recording, or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Giesen Gaugantua and Pantagruel, Book one. By François Rablet. Translated by Sir Thomas Urquette. Chapter thirty-two. How Grand-Gousier to buy peace caused the cakes to be restored. With that the good man Gallet held his peace, but Picasso to all his discourse answered nothing, but come and fetch them, come and fetch them. They have bollocks, fair and soft. They will need and provide some cakes for you. Then returned he to Gaugousier, whom he found upon his knees, bare-headed, crouching in a little corner of his cabinet, and humbly praying unto God that he would vouch safe to assuage the collar of Picasso, and bring him to the rule of reason without proceeding by force. When the good man came back, he asked him, Ca, my friend, what news do you bring me? There is neither hope nor remedy, said Gallet. The man is quite out of his wits and forsaken of God. Yea, but, said Gaugousier, my friend, what cause doth he pretend for his outrages? He did not show me any cause at all, said Gallet, only that in a great anger he spoke some words of cakes. I cannot tell if they have done any wrong to his cake-bakers. I will know, said Gaugousier, the matter thoroughly before I resolve any more upon what is to be done. Then sent he to learn concerning that business, and found by true information that his men had taken violently some cakes from Picasso's people, and that Marquet's head was broken with a slacky or short cudgel, that nevertheless all was well paid, and that the said Marquet had first hurt Farshier with a stroke of his whip as thwart the legs, and it seemed good to his whole council that he should defend himself with all his might. Notwithstanding all this, said Gaugousier, seeing the question is but about a few cakes, I will labour to content him, for I am very unwilling to wage war against him. He inquired then what quantity of cakes they had taken away, and understanding that it was but some four or five dozen, he commanded five cartloads of them to be baked that same night, and that they should be one full of cakes made with fine butter, fine yolks of eggs, fine saffron, and fine spice to be bestowed upon Marquet, and to whom likewise he directed to be given 700,003 Philips, that is at three shillings the peace, 105,000 pounds and nine shillings of English money, for reparation of his losses and hindrances, and for satisfaction of the geragian that addressed his wound, and furthermore settled upon him and his forever in freehold the apple orchard called La Pomardière. For the conveyance and passing of all which was sent Galais, who by the way as they went made them gather near the willow trees, great store of boughs, canes, and reeds, where with all the carriers were enjoined to garnish and deck their carts, and each of them to carry one in his hand, as himself likewise did, thereby to give all men to understand that they demanded but peace, and that they came to buy it. Being come to the gate, they required to speak with Picrochol from Grand-Goussier. Picrochol would not so much as let them in, nor go to speak with them, but sent them word that he was busy, and that they should deliver their mind to captain Toucadillon, who was then planting a piece of ordinance upon the wall. Then said the good man unto him, My Lord, to ease you of all this labour, and to take away all excuses why you may not return unto our former reliance. We do here presently restore unto you the cakes upon which the quarrel arose. Five dozen did our people take away. They were well paid for. We love peace so well that we restore unto you five cartloads, of which this cart shall be for Marquet, who doth most complain. Besides to content him entirely, here are seven hundred thousand and three Philips, which I deliver to him, and for the losses he may pretend to have sustained. I resign for ever the farm of the Pomardier, to be possessed in fee simple by him and his for ever, without the payment of any duty, or acknowledgement of homage, feulty, fine, or service whatsoever. And here is the tenor of the deed. And for God's sake, let us live henceforward in peace, and withdraw yourselves merrily into your own country from within this place, unto which you have no right at all, as yourselves must need confess, and let us be good friends as before. Thucadillon related all this to Picochol, and more and more exasperated his courage, saying to him, these clowns are afraid to some purpose. By God, Grand Guzier conskites himself for fear the poor drinker. He is not skilled in warfare. Neither hath he any stomach for it. He knows better how to empty the flagons. That is his art. I am of opinion that it is fit we send back the carts and the money, and for the rest that very speedily we fortify ourselves here, and prosecute our fortune. But what do they think to have to do with a niny hoop to feed you thus with cakes? You may see what it is. The good usage and great familiarity which you have had with them here to fore hath made you contemptible in their eyes. Anoint a villain. He will prick you. Prick a villain, and he will anoint you. Ungentem pongit, Pungentem rusticus ungit. Sah, sah, sah, said P. Coshul. By St. James you have given a true character of them. One thing I will advise you, said Tukdeon. We are here but badly vitalled and furnished with mouth harness very slenderly. If Grand Guzier should come to beseech us, I would go presently and pluck out of all your soldiers' heads and by loan all the teeth except three to each of us. And with them alone we should make an end of our provision but too soon. We shall have, said P. Coshul, but too much sustenance and feeding stuff. Came we hither to eat or to fight? To fight indeed, said Tukdeon, yet from the porch comes the dance and where famine rules forces exiled. Leave off your prating, said P. Coshul and forthwith seize upon what they have brought. Then took they money and cakes, oxen and carts, and sent them away without speaking one word only that they would come no more so near for a reason that they would give them the morrow after. Thus without doing anything returned they to Grand Guzier and related the whole matter unto him, subjoining that there was no hope left to draw them to peace but by sharp and fierce wars. For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Martin Giesen Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book 1 by François Rablet translated by Sir Thomas Urquette Chapter 33 How some statesman of P. Coshul by hare-brained council put him in extreme danger. The carts being unloaded and the money and cakes secured, there came before P. Coshul the Duke of Small Trash, the Earl Swashbuckler and Captain Dirt-Tail M'nuay Spadassin Merdaye who said unto him, Sir, this day we make you the happiest, the most warlike and chivalrous prince that ever was since the death of Alexander of Macedonia. Be covered, be covered, said P. Coshul. From mercy, said they, we do but our duty, the manner is thus, you shall leave some captain here to have the charge of this garrison with a party competent for keeping of the place which besides its natural strength is made stronger by the rampers and fortresses of your devising. Your army you ought to divide into two parts as you know very well how to do. One part thereof shall fall upon Carcouse and his forces. By it shall he be easily at the very first shock routed and then shall you get money by heaps for the clown hath store of ready-coin. Clown we call him because a noble and generous prince hath never a penny and that to hoard up treasure is but a clownish trick. The other part of the army in the meantime shall draw towards Onys, Constantinge, Angomois and Gascony. Then march to Périgaux, Medoc and Elan, taking wherever you come without resistance, towns, castles and forts. Afterwards to Bayonne, Saint John de Luc to Fontarabia where you shall seize upon all the ships and coasting along Galicia and Portugal shall pillage all the maritime places even unto Lisbon where you shall be supplied with all necessaries befitting a conqueror. By Copsody Spain will yield for they are but a race of loobies. Then are you to pass by the Straits of Gibraltar where you shall erect two pillars more stately than those of Hercules to the perpetual memory of your name and the narrow entrance there shall be called the Picocholinal Sea. Having passed the Picocholinal Sea behold, Barbarossa yields himself your slave. I will, said Picochol, give him fair quarter and spare his life. Yea, said they, so that he be content to be christened, and you shall conquer the kingdoms of Tunis, of Hippo, Argea, Bomine, Bona, Corone, yea, all Barbary. Furthermore, you shall take into your hands Madorca, Minorca, Sardinia, Corsica with the other islands of the Ligustic and Balearian seas. Going alongst on the left hand you shall rule all Gallia Narbonensis, Provence, the Alobrogians, Genoa, Florence, Lucca, and then, God be we, Rome. Our poor Monsieur the Pope dies now for fear. By my faith, said Picochol, I will not then kiss his pontouche. Italy being thus taken behold Naples, Calabria, Apulia, and Sicily, all ransacked, and malta too. I wish the pleasant nights of the roads here to four would but come to resist you that we might see their yarn. I would, said Picochol, very willingly go to Loreto. No, no, said they, that shall be at our return. From thence we shall sail eastwards and take Candia, Cyprus, Rhodes, and the Cyclady Islands, and set upon the Moria. It is ours, by St. Trinian, the Lord Preserve Jerusalem, for the great Sultan is not comparable to you in power. I will then, said he, cause Solomon's temple to be built. No, said they, not yet. Have a little patience. Stay awhile. Be never too sudden in your enterprises. Can you tell what Octavian Augustus said? Festinalente. It is requisite that you first have the lesser Asia, Caria, Licia, Pamphylia, Silicia, Lydia, Friccia, Missia, Bithynia, Carazia, Satalia, Sammagaria, Castamena, Luga, Savasta, even unto Euphrates. Shall we see, said Picoshul, Babylon, and Mount Sinai? There is no need, said they at this time. Have we not hurried up and down, travelled and toiled enough in having transfretted and passed over the Hercanean Sea, marched alongst the true Armenias and the three Arabias? Thy, by my faith, said he, we have played the fools and are untunned. Ah, poor souls! What's the matter, said they? What shall we have, said he, to drink in these deserts? For Julian Augustus, with his whole army, died there for thirst, as they say. We have already, said they, given order for that. In the Syriac Sea you have nine thousand and fourteen great ships laden with the best wines in the world. They arrived at Port Joppa. There they found two-and-twenty thousand camels and sixteen hundred elephants, which you shall have taken at one hunting about Sigelmes. When you entered into Libya, and besides this, you had all the mecca caravan. Did they not furnish you sufficiently with wine? Yes, but, said he, we did not drink it fresh. By the virtue, said they, not of a fish, a valiant man, a conqueror, who pretends and aspires to the monarchy of the world, cannot always have his ease. God be thanked that you and your men are come safe and sound unto the banks of the River Tigris. Puppet, said he, what doth that part of our army in the meantime, which overthrows that unworthy swill-pot, Grand Goussier? They are not idle, said they. We shall meet with them by and by. They shall have won you Brittany, Normandy, Flanders, Enoe, Brabant, Artois, Holland, Zeeland. They have passed the Rhine over the bellies of the Switzers and Lanskenes, and a party of these have subdued Luxembourg, Lorraine, Champagne, and Savoy, even to Lyon, in which place they have met with your forces, returning from the naval conquests of the Mediterranean Sea, and have rallied again in Bohemia, after they had plundered and sacked Swavia, Wittemberg, Bavaria, Austria, Moravia, and Styria. Then they set fiercely to gather upon Lübeck, Norway, Sweden, we, Denmark, Gittland, Greenland, the Stirlings, even unto the frozen sea. This done they conquered the isles of Orkney and subdued Scotland, England, and Ireland. From thence sailing through the sandy sea and by the Samartes, they have vanquished and overcome Prussia, Poland, Lithuania, Russia, Wallachia, Transylvania, Hungary, Bulgaria, Turkeyland, and are now at Constantinople. Come, said Picochel, let us go join with them quickly, for I will be Emperor of Trebizond also. Shall we not kill all these dogs, Turks, and Mahometons? What a devil should we do else, said they, and you shall give their goods and lands to such as shall have served you, honestly. Reason, said he, will have it so, that is but just. I give unto you the Karamania, Surya, and all the Palestine. Ha, sir, said they, it is out of your goodness. Grammase we thank you. God grant you may always prosper. There was there present at that time an old gentleman well experienced in the wars, a stern soldier, and who had been in many great hazards, named Echefron, who, hearing this discourse, said, I do greatly doubt that all this enterprise will be like the tale or interlude of the pitcher full of milk, wherewith a shoemaker made himself rich in conceit. But when the pitcher was broken, he had not wear upon to dine. What do you pretend by these large conquests? What shall be the end of so many labours and crosses? What shall it be? said Picochol, that when we are returned, we shall sit down, rest, and be merry. But, said Echefron, if by chance you should never come back, for the voyage is long and dangerous, where it not better for us to take our rest now, than unnecessarily to expose ourselves to so many dangers. Oh, said Swashbuckler, by God, here is a good dotard! Come, let us go hide ourselves in the corner of a chimney, and there spend the whole time of our life amongst ladies, in threading of pearls, or spinning like sardinapolas. He that nothing ventures hath neither horse nor mule, says Solomon. He who adventureth too much, said Echefron, loseeth both horse and mule, answered Malchon. Enough, said Picochol, go forward, I fear nothing, but that these devilish legions of Grand Guzie, whilst we are in Mesopotamia, will come in our backs and charge up our rear. What course shall we then take? What shall be our remedy? A very good one, said Dirt-tail, a pretty little commission, which you must send unto the Muscovites, shall bring you into the field in an instant, four hundred and fifty thousand choice men of war. That you would but make me your lieutenant general, I should for the lightest faults of any inflict great punishments. I fret, I charge, I strike, I take, I kill, I slay, I play the devil. On, on, said Picochol, make haste my lads, and let him that loves me, follow me. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Nadine Gertboulet, Gargantua and Pentegril, Book One by François Rablet, translated by Sir Thomas Urquod, Chapter 34. How Gargantua left the city of Paris to succour his country and how gymnast encountered with the enemy. In this same very hour, Gargantua, who was gone out of Paris as soon as he had read his father's letters, coming upon his great mare, had already passed the nunnery bridge, himself, Ponecratus, Timnast and Udemon, who all three, the better to enable them to go along with him, took burst horses. The rest of his train came after him by even journeys at a slower pace, bringing with them all his books and philosophical instruments. As soon as he had alighted at Baril, he was informed by a farmer of Guget how Picochol had fortified himself within the rock Clermont and had sent Captain Troupay with a great army to set upon the wood of Ved and Vogueudry and that they had already plundered the whole country, not leaving Cork nor Hen, even as far as to the winepress of Beyer. The strange and almost incredible news of the enormous abuses thus committed over all the land, so afraid at Gargantua that he knew not what to say nor do. But Ponecratus counseled him to go on to the Lord of Vogueudry who at all times had been their friend and confederate and that by him they should be better advised in their businesses, which they did incontinently and found him very willing and fully resolved to assist them and therefore was of opinion that they should send someone of his company to scout along and discover the country to learn in what condition and posture the enemy was that they might take counsel and according to the present occasion Gymnast offered himself to go. Whereupon it was concluded that for his safety and the better expedition he should have with him someone that knew the ways, avenues, turnings, windings, and rivers thereabout. Then away went he and Prenango, the aquary or gentleman of Vogueudry's horse who scouted and aspired as narrowly as they could upon all quarters without any fear. In the meantime Gargantua took a little refreshment ate somewhat himself the like did those who were with him and caused to give to his mayor a picatin of oats, that is three score and fourteen quarters and three bushels. Gymnast and his comrade were out so long that at last they met with the enemy's forces all scattered and out of order plundering, stealing, rubbing, and pillaging all they could lay their hands on and as far off as they could perceive him they ran thronging upon the back of one another in all haste towards him to unload him of his money and untrust his sport-mentals. Then cried he out unto them My masters, I am a poor devil I desire you to spare me I have yet one crown left Come, we must drink it for it is or impetable and these halls here shall be sold to pay my welcome. Afterwards take me for one of your own for never yet was there any man that knew better how to take lard, roast, and dress yer by gee to tear a sander and devour a hen than I that am here and for my proficient I drink to all good fellows With that he unscrewed his barraccio which was a great Dutch leaven-bottle and without putting in his nose drank very honestly The mariful robes looked upon him opening their throats a foot wide and putting out their tongues like grey hounds in hopes to drink after him But Captain Trippet, in the very nick of that day expectation came running to him to see who it was To him Jimnest offered his bottle saying, hold Captain drink boldly and spare not I have been thy taster it is wine of la faille mon jour What, said Trippet, this fellow-guips and flouts us What, though, said Trippet I am, said Jimnest a poor devil, pauvre diable Ha, said Trippet Seeing the word a poor devil it is reason that those should be permitted to go with us or ever the world for all poor devils pass everywhere without toll or tax but it is not the custom of poor devils to be so well mounted Therefore, sir devil, come down and let me have your horse and if you do not carry me well you, master devil, must do it I love a life that such a devil as you should carry me away End of chapter 34 Chapter 35 of Gagantua and Pentegril Book 1 This is the LibriVox recording or LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Nadine Coort-Boulet Gagantua and Pentegril Book 1 by François Rablet Translated by Sir Thomas Urquod Chapter 35 How gymnast, very subly and cunningly killed Captain Tripe and others of Picruchel's men When they heard these words some amongst them began to be afraid and blessed themselves with both hands thinking indeed that he had been a devil disguised in so much that one of them named Gudjohn, captain of the train-bands of the country bumpkins took his psalter out of his got-piss and cried out aloud for Sotheos if thou be of God speak if thou be of the other spirit avoid hands and get thee going yet he went not away which words being heard by all the soldiers that were there divas of them being a little inwardly terrified departed from the place all this the gymnast very well remark and consider and therefore make in as if he would have a lighted from off his horse as he was poisoning himself on the mounting just namely with his short sword by his thigh shifting his foot in the stirrup performed the stirrup leather feet whereby after the inclining of his body downwards he forthwith launched himself aloft in the air and placed both his feet together on the saddle standing upright with his back turned towards the horse's head now said he my case goes backward then suddenly in the same very posture wherein he was gambled upon one foot and turning to the left hand failed not to carry his body perfectly round just into its former stance without missing one shot ha said Tripey I will not do that at this time and not without cause well said gymnast I have failed I will undo this leap then with a marvelous strength and agility turning towards the right hand he fetched another frisking gamble as before which done he set his right hand thumb upon the hinbo of the saddle raised himself up and sprung in the air poising and upholding his whole body upon the muscle and nerve of the said thumb and so turned and whirled himself about three times at the forth reversing his body and overturning it upside down and fall side back without touching anything he brought himself betwixt the horse's two ears springing with all his body into the air upon the thumb of his left hand and in that posture turning like a windmill did most actively do that trick which is called the Miller's pass after this clapping his right hand flat upon the middle of the saddle he gave himself such a jerking swing that he thereby seated himself upon the cropper after the manner of gentle women sitting on horseback this done he easily passed his right leg over the saddle and placed himself like one that writes in croup but, said he it were better for me to get into the saddle then putting the thumbs of both hands upon the cropper before him and there upon leaning himself as upon the only supporters of his body he incontinently turned heels over head in the air and straight found himself betwixt the bow of the saddle in a good settlement then with a somersault springing into the air again he fell to stand with both his feet close together upon the saddle then with a somersault springing into the air he placed his feet close together upon the saddle and there made above a hundred frisks turns and demi-pummards with his arms held out across and in so doing cried out aloud I rage, I rage devils, I am stark mad devils I am mad hold me devils, hold me, hold devils hold, hold whilst he was thus vaulting the rogues in great astonishment said to one another by cox death he is a coply now, devils thus disguised a broste maligno liberanos dominé and ran away in a full flight as if they had been routed looking now and then behind them like a dog that carried their way a goose-wing in his mouth then gymnast spying his advantage alighted from his horse drew his sword and lay down great blows upon the thickest and highest crested among them and overthrew them in great heaps hurt, wounded and bruised by nobody they thinking he had been a starved devil as well in regard of his wonderful feats in vaulting which they had seen as for the talk Tripe had with him calling him poor devil only Tripe would have traitorously cleft his head with his horsemen's ward or landsnight falchon but he was well armed and felt nothing of the blow but the weight of the stroke whereupon turning suddenly about he gave Tripe a home thrust of that whilst he was about toward his head from a slash he ran him in at the breast with a hit which had once cut his stomach the fifth cut called the colon and the half of his liver wherewith he fell to the ground and in falling gushed forth above four bottles of porridge and his soul mingled with the porridge this done gymnast withdrew himself very wisely considering that a case of great adventure and hazard should not be pursued to its utmost period and that it becomes all cavaliers modestly to use their good fortune without troubling or stretching it too far wherefore, getting to horse he gave him the spur taking the right way onto Vogueillon and Prélingon with him End of chapter 35 Chapter 36 As soon as he came he related the estate and condition wherein they had found the enemy and the stratagem which he alone had used against all their multitude affirming that they were but plunderers, thieves and robbers ignorant of all military discipline and that they might boldly set forward into the field it being an easy matter to fell and strike them down like beasts then Gargantua mounted his great mayor accompanied as we have said before and finding in his way a high and great tree which commonly was called by the name of Saint Martin's tree because here to fall Saint Martin planted a pilgrim staff there which in tract of time grew to that height and greatness said this is that which I lacked this tree shall serve me both for a staff and lens with that he pulled it up easily plucked off the bows and trimmed it at his pleasure in the meantime his mayor pissed to ease her belly but it was in such abundance that it did overflow the country seven weeks and all the piss of that urinal flood ran glib a way towards the fort of bed wherewith the water was so swollen that all the forces the enemy had there were with great horror drowned except some who had taken the way on the left hand towards the hills Gargantua being come to the place of the wood of bed was informed by Udemon that there was some remainder of the enemy within the castle which to know Gargantua cried out as loud as he was able are you there or are you not there if you be there be there no more and if you are not there I have no more to say but a ruffian gunner whose charge was to attend the portcullis over the gate let fly a cannonball at him and hit him with that shot most furiously on the right temple of his head yet did him no more hurt than if he had but cast a prune a kernel of a wine grape at him what is this? do you throw at us grape kernels here? the vintage chancas tu dia thinking indeed that the bullet had been the kernel of a grape racing kernel those who were within the castle being till then busy at the pillage when they heard this noise ran to the towers and fortresses from whence they shot at him above 9,520 falcon shot and occupies 8 aiming all at his head and so thick did they shoot at him that he cried out Ponocrat is my friend these flies here are like to put out my knives give me a branch of those willow trees and stones shot out of the great ordinance had been but done flies Ponocrat is looked and so that there were no other flies but great shot which they had shot from the castle then was it that he rushed with his great tree against the castle and with mighty blows overthrew both towers and fortresses and laid all level with the ground by which means all that were within were slain and broken in pieces going from thence they came to the bridge at the mill where they found all the fort covered with dead bodies so thick that they had chalked up the mill and stopped the current of its water and these were those that were destroyed in the urinal deluge of the mayor there they were at a stand consulting how they might pass without hindrance by these dead carcasses but Jimna said if the devils have passed there I will pass well enough the devils have passed there said to carry away the damned souls by Saint-Régnant said Ponocrates then by necessary consequence he shall pass there yes yes said Jimna or I shall stick in the way then setting spurs to his horse he passed through freely his horse not fearing nor being anything afraid at the sight of the dead bodies for he had accustomed him according to the doctrine of alien not to fear armor nor the carcasses of dead men killing men as Diomedes did the Thracians or as Ulysses did in throwing the corpses of his enemies at his horse's feet as Homer said but by putting a jack-o'-lantern amongst his hay and making him go over it ordinarily when he gave him his oats the other three followed him very close except Eudemond Orly whose horse for right or far for foot sank up to the knee in the pouch of a great fat chaff who lay there upon his back drowned there was he pestered until Gargantua with the end of his staff thrust down the rest of the villain's stripes into the water whilst the horse pulled out his foot and which is a wonderful thing in Hippiodrae the said horse was thoroughly cured of a ring bone which he had in that food by this touch of the burst guts of that great Luby End of chapter 36 Chapter 37 of Gargantua and Pantagruel Book 1 This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org Gargantua and Pantagruel Book 1 by François Rabelet Translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart Chapter 37 How Gargantua in combing his head made the great cannonballs fall out of his hair and come out of the river of Veid They came very shortly after to Gangousie's castle who waited for them with great longing At their coming they were entertained with many conges and cherished with embraces Never was seen a more joyful company for supplementum supplementi chronicorum saith that Gargamel died there with joy For my part truly I cannot tell Neither do I care very much for her nor for anybody else Gargantua in shifting his clothes and combing his head with a comb which was nine hundred foot long of the Jewish cane measure and whereof the teeth were great tusks of elephants whole and entire he made fall at every rake above seven balls of bullets at a dozen the ball that stuck in his hair at the raising of the castle of the Wood of Veid which his father, Gangousie, seeing thought they had been lice and said unto him What, my dear son, hast thou brought us this far some short winged hawks to the College of Montague? I did not mean that thou shouldst reside there then answered Pinocchities My sovereign lord think not that I have placed him in that lousy college which they call Montague I had rather have put him amongst the gravediggers of saint in a saint so enormous is the cruelty and villainy that I have known there for the galley slaves are far better used amongst the moors and tartars the murderers and the criminal dungeons yea the very dogs in your house then are the poor wretched students in the aforesaid college and if I were king of Paris the devil take me if I would not set it on fire and burn both principal and regents for suffering this inhumanity to be exercised before their eyes then taking up one of these bullets he said these are cannon shot which your son, Gargantua, had lately received by the treachery of your enemies as he was passing before the Wood of Veid but they have been so rewarded that they are all destroyed in the ruin of the castle as were the Philistines by the policy of Samson and those whom the tower of Silohim slew as it is written in the 13th of Luke my opinion is that we pursue them whilst the luck is on our side for occasion have all her hair on her forehead when she is past you may not recall her she have no tuft whereby you can lay hold on her for she is bald in the hind part of her head never return it again truly, said Grand Gussier it shall not be at this time for I will make you a feast this night and bid you welcome this said they made ready supper and of extraordinary besides his daily fare were roasted sixteen oxen three heifers, two and thirty calves three score and three fat kids four score and fifteen weathers three hundred pharaoh pigs or sheets sourced in sweet wine or must eleven score partridges four hundred luden and cornwall capons six thousand pullets and as many pigeons six hundred crammed hens fourteen hundred leverettes or young hairs and rabbits three hundred and three buzzards and one thousand and seven hundred cockerels for venison they could not so suddenly come by it only eleven wild boars which the abbot of Turpanay sent and eighteen fallow deer which the lord of Grandma postowed together with seven score pheasants which were sent by the lord of Essars and some dozens of queasts ring doves and wood culvers riverfowl, teals and auteals, bitterns, quartz plovers, franklins, briganders, tyrosons young lapwings, tame docks, shovelers woodlanders, herons, moorhens, creels storks, canapes, tears, oranges, flamans witch-archaic copters or crimson-winged sea-fowls, pterigols, turkeys, arbans, coots, solonguese, curlews, termagens and water-wog-tails with a great deal of cream, curds and fresh cheese and store of soup, partridges and breweries with great variety without doubt there was meat enough to be handsomely dressed by snap-sauce, hodgepot and braver-juice, grand-goosier's cooks jankin-tragipiece and clean glass were very careful to fill them drink. End of Chapter 37 Chapter 38 of Gargantua and Pantagral Book 1 This is a LibriVox recording All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Daniel Watkins Gargantua and Pantagral Book 1 by Francois Rabelais Translated by Sir Thomas Urgaart Chapter 38 How Gargantua Did Eat Up Six Pilgrims In A Salad The story required that we relate that which happened unto six pilgrims who came from Sebastian near to Nont, and who for shelter that night, being afraid of the enemy had hid themselves in the garden upon the chisling-piece among the cabbages and lettuces. Gargantua finding himself somewhat dry asked whether they could get any lettuce to make him a salad, and hearing that there were the greatest and fairest in the country for they were as great as plum trees or as walnut trees, he would go thither himself, and brought thence in his hand what he thought good, and with all carried away the six pilgrims who were in so great fear that they did not dare to speak nor cough. Washing them therefore first at the fountain, the pilgrims said one to another softly, what shall we do? We are almost drowned here amongst these lettuce, shall we speak? But if we speak, he will kill us for spies. And as they were thus deliberating what to do, Gargantua put them with the lettuce into a platter of the house, as large as the huge ton of the white fryers of the Cistercian order. Which done, with oil, vinegar, and salt he ate them up to refresh himself a little before supper, and had already swallowed up five of the pilgrims, the sixth being in the platter, totally hid under a lettuce, except his staff that appeared, and nothing else. Which, Grand Guzier seeing, said to Gargantua, I think that is the horn of a shell snail, do not eat it. Why not, said Gargantua? They are good all this month, which he no sooner said but drawing up the staff, and there with taking up the pilgrim, he ate him very well, then drank a terrible draught of excellent white wine. The pilgrims, thus devouted, may shift to save themselves as well as they could by withdrawing their bodies out of the reach of his teeth, but could not escape from thinking they had been put in the lowest dungeon of a prison. And when Gargantua with the great draught, they thought to have been drowned in his mouth, and the flood of wine had almost carried them away into the gulf of his stomach. Nevertheless, skipping with their burdens, as St. Michael's Parms used to do, they sheltered themselves from the danger of that inundation under the banks of his teeth. But one of them by chance groping or sounding the country with his staff to try whether they were in danger or not, struck hard against the cleft of a hollow tooth, and hit the mandibulary sinew, or nerve of the jaw, which put Gargantua at a very great pain, so that he began to cry for the rage that he felt. To ease himself, therefore, of his smarthing ache, he called for his tooth picker, and rubbing towards a young walnut tree, where they lay skulking, are nestled you, my gentlemen pilgrims. For he caught one by the legs, another by the script, another by the pocket, another by the scarf, another by the band of the breeches, and a poor fellow that had hurt him with a burden, him he hooked to him by the cot-piece, which snatch nevertheless did him a great deal of good, for it pierced under him a pocky watch he had in the grain, which previously tormented him ever since they were past in Senes. The pilgrims, thus dislodged, ran away and thwart the plain a pretty fast pace, and the pain ceased, even just at the time when by Eudomon he was called to supper, for all was ready. I will go then, said he, and piss to do in such a copious measure that the urine taking away the feet from the pilgrims they were carried along with the stream under the bank of a tuft of trees. Upon which, as soon as they had taken footing, and that for their self-preservation they had run a little out of the road, they on a sudden fell all six, except for Nile, into a trap that had been made to take wolves by a train, out of which, nevertheless, they escaped by the industry of said for Nile, who broke all the snares and ropes. Being gone from thence, they lay all night in a lodge near Anticotre, where they were comforted in their miseries by the gracious words of one of their company, called Swear to Go, who showed them that this adventure had been foretold by the prophet David. Saam. Koum ex-surgent hominez in Nos, for de vivos deglutisent Nos, when we were eating in the salad with salt, oil and vinegar. Koum, iracereta furoi iorum in Nos, forcitan aqua azobuisent Nos, when he drank the great draught, torrentum potranzivit anima nostra, when the stream of his water carried us to the thicket, forcitan potranzis est anima nostra aquam intorribilem, that is, the water of his urine, the flood-ware of, cutting our way, took our feet from us. benedictus dominus kinon dedichnos in captionem dentibus iorum, anima nostra secut parser erupta est de laqueu, venantibus iorum, venantibus iorum, venantibus est de laqueu, venantibum, when we fell in the trap. laqueus contritus est by faunie et nos liberatisumus, agitorium nostrum et cetera. END OF CHAPTER 38 Or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Martin Geeson. Gargantua and Pantagruel Book I by François Rablet Translated by Sir Thomas Urquette Chapter 39 How the Monk was feasted by Gargantua, and of the jovial discourse they had at supper. When Gargantua was set down at table, after all of them had somewhat stayed their stomachs by a snatch or two of the first bits eaten heartily, Cragusier began to relate the source and cause of the war raised between him and P'Coshun, and came to tell how Friar John of the Funnels had triumphed at the defence of the close of the Abbey, and extolled him for his valour above Camillus, Scipio, Pompey, Caesar, and Themistocles. Then Gargantua desired that he might be presently sent for, to the end that with him they might consult of what was to be done. Whereupon, by a joint consent, his steward went for him, and brought him along merrily, with his staff of the cross, upon Cragusier's mule. When he was come a thousand huggings, a thousand embracements, a thousand good days were given. Ha! Friar John, my friend Friar John, my brave cousin Friar John from the Devil, let me clip thee my heart about the neck. To me unharmful, I must grip thee my bollock till my back crack with it. Come, my card, let me call thee till I kill thee. And Friar John, the gladdest man in the world, never was man-made welcomeer, never was any more courteously and graciously received than Friar John. Come, come, said Gargantua, a stool here close by me at this end. I am content, said the monk, seeing you will have it so. Some water, page. Fill, my boy, fill. It is to refresh my liver. Give me some child to gargle my throat with all. De posita capa, said Gymnast, let us pull off this frock. Oh, by God, gentlemen, said the monk, there is a chapter in St. Tutee's Ordinus which opposes my laying of it down. Pish, said Gymnast, a fig for your chapter. This frock breaks both your shoulders, put it off. My friend, said the monk, let me alone with it, for by God, I'll drink the better that it is on. It makes all my body jockened. If I should lay it aside, the waggish pages would cut to themselves garters out of it, as I was once served at Cullain. And which is worse, I shall lose my appetite. But if in this habit I sit down at table, I will drink by God both to thee and to thy horse. And so courage, frolic, God save the company. I have already soft, yet I will eat never of wit the less for that, for I have a paved stomach, as hollow as a butt of Malvoise, or St. Benedictus' boot, and always open like a lawyer's pouch. Of all fishes but the tench, take the wing of a poutridge or the thigh of a nun. Hedoth knotty die like a good fella that dies with a stiff cat-soul. Our prior loves exceedingly the white of the capon. In that, said gymnast, Hedoth not resemble the foxes, for of the capons, hens and pull-its which they carry away, they never eat the white. Why, said the monk, because, said gymnast, they have no cooks to dress them, and if they be not competently made ready, they remain red and not white. The redness of meats, being a token that they have not got enough of the fire, whether by boiling, roasting, or otherwise, except the shrimps, lobsters, crabs, and crayfishes which are cardinalised with boiling. By God's feast-gazers, said the monk, the porter of our abbey there not his head well boiled, for his eyes are as red as a maize and made of an alter-tree. The thigh of this leveret is good for those that have the gout. To the purpose of the trual, what is the reason that the thighs of a gentle woman are always fresh and cool? This problem, said Gorgantua, is neither in Aristotle, in Alexander Aphrodisius, nor in Plutarch. There are three causes, said the monk, by which that place is naturally refreshed, Primo, because the water runs all along by it, Segundo, because it is a shady place, obscure and dark upon which the sun never shines, and thirdly, because it is continually flabbled, blown upon and aired by the north winds of the old arstic, the fan of the smock and flip-flap of the cod-piece, and lusty melades, some boughs in liquor page. So, quack, quack, quack, how good is God that gives us of this excellent juice! I call him to witness, if I had been in the time of Jesus Christ, I would have kept him from being taken by the Jews in the garden of Olivet, and the devil fail me if I should have failed to cut off the hams of these gentlemen apostles who ran away so basely after they had well sopped and left their good master in the lurch. I ate that man worse than poison that offers to run away when he should fight and lay stoutly about him. Oh! that I were but king of France, for forescore or a hundred years, by God, I should whip like curtailed dogs these runaways of purveyor, plague take them. Why did they not choose rather to die there than to leave their good prince in that pinch and necessity? Is it not better and more honourable to perish in fighting valiantly than to live in disgrace by a cowardly running away? We are like to eat no great store of gozzlings this year. Therefore, friend, reach me some of that roasted pig there. Diavolo, is there no more must, no more sweet wine? Oh! Germany now it, radix, Jesse, je renis ma vie, je meurs de soiref. I renounce my life, I rage for thirst. This wine is none of the worst. What wine drink you at Paris? I give myself to the devil if I did not once keep open house at Paris, for all commerce six months together. Do you know Friar Claude of the High Kildurkins? Oh! the good fellow that he is! But I do not know what flyeth stung him of late. He has become so hard a student. The my part I study not at all. In our abbey we never study for fear of the mumps, which disease in horses is called the moaning in the chine. Our late abbot was wont to say that it is a monstrous thing to see a learned monk. By God, master, my friend, Magis Magnos Clericos, known stunt Magis Magnos Sapientes. You never saw so many hairs as there are this year. I could not anywhere come by a gossawk, nor tassel of falcon. My lord Belonnier promised me a lana, but he wrote to me not long ago that he was become Percy. Oh! the partridges will so multiply henceforth that they will go near to eat up our ears. I take no delight in the stalking oars, for I catch such calls that I am like to founder myself at that sport. If I do not run, toil, travel, and trot about, I am not well at ease. True it is that in leaping over the hedges and bushes, my frock leaves always some of its wool behind it. I have recovered a dainty greyhound. I give him to the devil, if he suffer a hair to escape him. A groom was leading him to my lord unthlittle, and I robbed him of him. Did I ill? No, friar John, said gymnast. No, by all the devils that are no. So, said the monk, do I attest these same devils so long as they last, or rather virtue of God, what could that gouty limpered have done with so fine a dog? By the body of God he is better pleased when one presents him with a good yoke of oxen. How now, said Ponochrates, you swear, Father John? It is only, said the monk, but to grace and adorn my speech. They are colours of a Ciceroanian rhetoric. End of Chapter 39, Recording by Martin Giesen, in Hazelmere, Surrey. Chapter 40 of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book I, by François Rabelet. Chapter 40 Why monks are the outcasts of the world, and wherefore some have bigger noses than others. By the faith of a Christian, said Udoman, I do wonderfully dote and enter in a great ecstasy when I consider the honesty and good fellowship of this monk, for he makes us hear all Mary. How is it then that they exclude the monks from all good companies, calling them feast-troublers, mares of mirth and disturbers of all civil conversation, as the bees drive away the drones from their hives? Ignavum fucos pecos, said Morrow, a preceptibus arsent. Hereon too, answered Gargantua, there is nothing so true as that the frock and cowl draw onto itself the approbaries, injuries and maledictions of the world, just as the wind called Cessius attracts the clouds. The peremptory reason is, because they eat the order and excrements of the world, that is to say the sins of the people, and like dung-chewers and excrementious eaters, they are cast into the privies and successive places, that is, the convents and abbeys, separated from political conversation as the jakes and retreats of the house are. But if you conceive how an ape in a family is always mocked and provokingly incensed, we shall easily apprehend how monks are shunned of all men both young and old. The ape keeps not the house as a dog-doth, he draws not in the plough as the ox, he yields neither milk nor wool as the sheep, he carries no burden as a horse-doth, that which he doth is only took in skype, spoil, and defile all, which is the cause wherefore he hath of all men mocks, frumperies, and bestinatos. For the same manner a monk, I mean those lither-idle lazy monks, doth not labor and work, as do the present and artificer, doth not ward and defend the country, as doth the man of war, cureth not the sick and diseased as the physician doth, doth neither preach nor teach, as do the evangelical doctors and school-masters, doth not import commodities and things necessary for the commonwealth, as the merchant doth. Or is it that by and of all men they are hooted at, hated, and of horde? Ye, but said Grand Goussier, they prayed a God for us? Nothing less, answered Gargantua, true it is that with a tingle-tangle jangling of bells they trouble and disquiet all their neighbours about them. Right, said the monk, amass, amatin, a vesper well rung, our half said. They mumble out great store of legends and Psalms, by them not at all understood. They say many pattern-oasters interlarged with avar Marias, without thinking upon or apprehending the meaning of what it is they say, which truly I call mocking of God and not prayers. But so help them God as they pray for us, and not for being afraid to lose their viddles, their manshoes, and good fat potage. All true Christians, of all estates and conditions, in all places and at all times, send up their prayers to God, and the mediator prayeth and intercedeth for them, and God is gracious to them. Now such a one is our good friar John. Therefore every man desireth to have him in his company. He is no bigot or a hypocrite. He is not torn and divided betwixt reality and appearance, no wretch of a rugged and peevish disposition, but honest, jovial, resolute, and a good fellow. He travels, he labours, he defends the oppressed, comforts the afflicted, helps the needy and keeps the close of the abbey. Nay, said the monk, I do a great deal more than that, for whilst we are in dispatching our matins and anniversaries in the choir, I make with all some crossbow strings, polished glass bottles and bolts, I twist lines and weave purse nets wherein to catch conies, I am never idle. But now, hither come, some drink, some drink here. Bring the fruit, these chestnuts are of the wood of estrox, and with good new wine are able to make you a fine cracker and composer of bum sonnets. You are not as yet it seems well moistened in this house with the sweet wine and must. By gie, I drink to all men freely and to all fords like a proctor or promoter's horse. Friar John, said gymnast, take away the snot that hangs at your nose. Ha-ha! said the monk, am not I in danger of drowning, seeing I am in water even to the nose? No, no, choir. Quia, though some water come out from thence, there never goes in any, for it is well antidoted with pot-proof armor and syrup of the vine-leaf. Oh, my friend, he that hath winter boots made of such leather may boldly fish for oysters, for they will never take water. What is the cause, says Gargantua, that Friar John hath such a fair nose? Because, said Grand Gousier, that God would have it so, who frameeth us in such form and for such end as is most agreeable with his divine will, even as a potter fashioneth his vessels. Because, said Ponecratis, he came with the first to the fair of noses, and therefore made choice of the fairest and the greatest. Pish, said the monk, that is not the reason of it, but according to the true monastical philosophy, it is because my nurse had soft teats, by virtue whereof, whilst she gave me suck, my nose did sink in as in so much butter. The hard breasts of nurses make children short-nosed. But hey, gay, ad formum nazi cognisitor ad te levavi. I never eat any confections-page, whilst I am at the library. Item. Bring me rather some toasts. End of Chapter 40. Chapter 41 of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book 1. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book 1. By Francois Ravallet. Translated by Sir Thomas Orquart. Chapter 41 How the monk made Gargantua sleep, and of his hours, and breviaries. Supper being ended, they consulted of the business in hand, and concluded that about midnight they should fall unawares upon the enemy, to know what manner of watch and ward they kept, and that in the meanwhile they should take a little rest the better to refresh themselves. But Gargantua could not sleep by any means, on which side soever he turned himself. Whereupon the monk said to him, I never sleep soundly when I am at Sermon or prayers. Let us therefore begin, you and I, the seven penitential Psalms, to try whether you shall not quickly fall asleep. The conceit pleased Gargantua very well, and beginning the first of these Psalms, as soon as they came to the words Beate Quorum, they fell asleep, both the one and the other. But the monk, for his being formerly accustomed to the hour of claustral matanz, failed not to awake a little before midnight, and being up himself, awake to all the rest, in singing aloud and with a clear voice the song, Awake Orinian Ho, awake, awake Orinian Ho, get up, you no more sleep must take, get up, for we must go. When they were all roused and up, he said, My masters, it is a usual saying that we begin matanz with coughing and supper with drinking. Let us now, in doing clean contrarily, begin our matanz with drinking, and at night before supper we shall cough as hard as we can. What, said Gargantua, to drink so soon after sleep? This is not to live according to the diet and prescript rule of the physicians, for you ought first to scour and cleanse your stomach of all its superfluities and excrements. Oh, well physics, said the monk, a hundred devils leap into my body, if there be not more old drunkards than old physicians. I have made this paction and covenant with my appetite, that it always lieth down and goes to bed with myself, for to that I every day give very good order. Then the next morning it also rises with me, and gets up when I am awake. Mind you your charges, gentlemen, or tend your cures as much as you will. I will get me to my drawer, in terms of falconry, my tiring. What drawer or tiring do you mean, said Gargantua? My breviary, said the monk, for just as the falconers before they feed their hawks, do make them draw at a hen's leg to purge their brains of phlegm and sharpen them to a good appetite. So, by taking this merry little breviary in the morning, I scour all my lungs and am presently ready to drink. After what manner, said Gargantua, do you say these fair hours and prayers of yours? After the manner of whip-field, fesicam, and corruptly, fecam, said the monk, by three psalms and three lessons, or nothing at all, he that will. I never tie myself to ours prayers and sacraments, for they are made for the man and not for the man for them. Therefore is it that I make my prayers in fashion of stirrup leathers. I shorten or lengthen them when I think good. Revis oratio penetrat, calos, et longa potatio evacuat sifos. Where is that written? By my faith, said Ponecratis, I cannot tell, my pillicock, but thou art more worth than gold. Therein, said the monk, I am like you, but venite apotemus. Then made they ready the store of carbonados, or rashers on the coals, and good fat soups, or brevis with sipits, and the monk drank what he pleased. One kept him company, and the rest did forbear, for their stomachs were not as yet opened. Afterwards, every man began to arm and befit himself for the field, and they armed the monk against his will, for he desired no other armor for back and breast but his frock, nor any other weapon in his hand but the staff of the cross. Yet at their pleasure was he completely armed capapi, and mounted upon one of the best horses in the kingdom, with a good slashing shable by his side, together with Gargantua, Ponecratis, gymnast, Udemon, and five and twenty more of the most resolute and adventurous of Grand Gousier's house, all armed at proof with their lances in their hands, mounted like St. George, and every one of them having an arch-bousier behind him. CHAPTER XII. How the monk encouraged his fellow champions, and how he hanged upon a tree. Thus went out those valiant champions on their adventure, in full resolution to know what enterprise they should undertake, and what to take heed of and look well to in the day of the great and horrible battle. And the monk encouraged them, saying, My children, do not fear nor doubt I will conduct you safely. God and sanct Benedict would be with us. If I had strength answerable to my courage, by his death I would plume them for you like ducks. I fear nothing but the great ordinance, yet I know of a charm by way of prayer which the sub-sexed and of our abbey taught me, that will preserve a man from the violence of guns and all manner of fire weapons and engines, but it will do me no good because I do not believe it. Nevertheless, I hope my staff of the cross shall this day play devilish pranks amongst them. By G, whoever of our party shall offer to play the duck and shrink when blows are a-dealing, I give myself to the devil, if I do not make a monk of him in my stead and hamper him within my frock, which is a sovereign cure against cowardice. Did you never hear of my lord Murrell's his greyhound, which was not worth a straw in the fields? He put a frock about his neck, by the body of G. There was neither hare nor fox that could escape him, and which is more, he lined all the bitches in the country, though before that he was feeble reigned at ex frigidus et maleficiatis. The monk, uttering these words in collar as he passed under a walnut tree, in his way towards the cosy, had broached the visor of his helmet on the stump of a great branch of said tree. Nevertheless, he set his spurs so fiercely to the horse, who was full of metal and quick on the spur, that he bounded forwards, and the monk, going about to ungrable his visor, let go his hold of the bridle and so hanged by his hand upon the bow, whilst his horse stole away from under him. By this means was the monk left hanging on the walnut tree, and crying for help, murder, murder, swearing also that he was betrayed. Yudemann perceived him first, and calling Gargantua said, Sir, come and see Absalom hanging. Gargantua, being come, considered the countenance of the monk, and in what posture he hanged, wherefore he said to Yudemann, You were mistaken in comparing him to Absalom, for Absalom hung by his hair, but this shavelling monk hangeth by his ears. Help me, said the monk, in the devil's name! Is this the time for you to pray? You seem to me to be like the decredulous preachers, who say that whosoever shall see his neighbor in the danger of death, ought upon pain of tri-salt excommunication, rather choose to admonish him to make his confession to a priest, and put his conscience in the state of peace than otherwise to help and relieve him. And therefore, when I shall see them fallen into a river and ready to be drowned, I shall make them a fair long sermon, de contemptum mundi et fuga seculi, and when they are stark dead, shall then go to their aid and succor in fishing after them. Be quiet, said gymnast, and stir not, my minion. I am now coming to unhang thee and to set thee at freedom, for thou art a pretty little gentle monarchess. Monarchess in claustro non valet ova duo, set quando est extra bene valet triginta. I have seen above five hundred hanged, but I never saw any have a better countenance in his dangling and pendulatory swaggering. Truly, if I had so good a one, I would willingly hang thus all my lifetime. What, said the monk, have you almost done preaching? Help me in the name of God, seeing you will not in the name of the other spirit, or by the habit which I wear, you shall repent it, tempore et loco prele batis. Then, gymnast alighted from his horse, and climbing up the walnut tree, lifted up the monk with one hand by the gussets of his armor under the armpits, and with the other, undid his visor from the stump of the broken branch. Which done, he let him fall to the ground and himself after. As soon as the monk was down, he put off all his armor and threw away one piece after another about the field, and taking to him again his staff of the cross, remounted up to his horse which Udoman had caught in his running away. Then went they on merrily, riding along on the highway. End of Chapter 42 Chapter 1, Part 18 of Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book 1 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Recording by Chris Caron. Gargantua and Pantagruel, Book 1 by François Rabalias, translated by Sir Thomas Urquhart. Chapter 1, Part 18, how the scouts and four-party of Parochole were met with by Gargantua, and how the monks slew Captain Drawforth, Tyravant, and then was taken to prisoner by his enemies. Parochole, at the reaction of whose who had escaped out of the broil, and defeat wherein Tripit was untripped, grew very angry that the devils should have so run upon his men, and held all that night a council of war at which Raskalf, and Tuchfosset, has to view Tokadien, concluded his power to be such that he was able to defeat all the devils of hell if they should come to Jostle with his forces. This Parochole did not fully believe, though he doubted not much of it. Therefore sent he under the command and conduct of the Count Drawforth, for discovering of the country the number of sixteen hundred horsemen all well mounted upon light horses for skirmish and thoroughly besprinkled with holy water, and everyone for their field mark or cognizance had the sign of a star in his scarf to serve at all adventures in case they should happen to encounter with devils, that by the virtue as well of that Gregorian water as of the stars which they wore they might make them disappear and vanish. In this equipage they made an excursion upon the country till they came near to the Vagoyam, which is the valley of Gion, and to the Spital, but could never find anybody to speak unto, whereupon they returned a little back and took occasion to pass above the aforesaid hospital to try what intelligence they could come by in those parts, in which resolution, riding on, and by chance in a pastoral lodge or shepherd's cottage near to Caudre hitting upon the five pilgrims they carried them way bound in menacelled, as if they had been spies for all the exclamations, adurations, and requests that they could make. Being come down from thence towards Savel, they were heard by Garagantua, who said then unto those that were with him, Conrads and fellow soldiers, we have here met with an encounter, and they are ten times in number, more than we, shall we charge them or not? What a devil, said the monk, shall we do else? Do you esteem men by their number rather than by their valour and prowess? With this he cried out, Charge devils, charge, which when the enemies heard, they thought certainly that they had been very devils, and therefore even then began all of them to run away as hard as they could drive, Drawforth only accepted, who immediately settled his lance on its rest, and therewith hit the monk with all his force, and on the very middle of his breast, but coming against his horrific frock, the point of iron, being with the blow either broke off or blunted, it was in matter of execution, as if you had struck against an anvil with the little wax candle. Then did the monk, with his staff of the cross, give him such a sturdy thump, and were it bewitched his neck and shoulders upon the acrimonium bone, that he made him lose both sense and motion, and fall down stone dead at his horse's feet, and seeing the sign of the star, which he wore scarf-wise, he said unto Garagantua, these men are but priests, which is but the beginning of a monk. By St. John I am a perfect monk. I will kill them to you like flies. Then ran he after him, at a swift and full gallop, till he overtook the rare, and felled them down like tree leaves, striking offward, and longest, and every day, gymnast presently asked Garagantua if they should pursue him. To whom Garagantua answered, by no means for, according to right military discipline, you must never drive your enemy on to despair, for that such a straight doth multiply his force, and increase his courage, which was before broken and cast down, neither is there any better help or outrage of relief for men that are amazed, out of heart toiled and spent, than to hope for no favor at all. How many victories have been taken out of the hands of the victors by the vanquished, when they would not rest satisfied with reason, but attempt to put all to the sword, and totally to destroy their enemies, without leaving so much as one to carry home news of the defeat of his fellows. Open therefore on to your enemies all the gates and ways, and make to them a bridge of silver rather than fail, that you may be rid of them. Yeah, but said gymnast. They have the monk. Have they the monk? said Garagantua. Upon my honor, then, it will prove to their cost, but to prevent all dangers. Let us not yet retreat, but halt here quietly, as in an ambush, for I think I do already understand the policy and judgment of our enemies. They are truly more directed by chance and mere fortune than by good advice and counsel. In the meanwhile, whilst these made a stop under the walnut trees, the monk pursued on the chase, charging all he overtook, and giving quarter to none. Until he met with a trooper who carried behind him one of the poor pilgrims, and there would have rifled him. The pilgrim, in hope of relief, at the sight of the monk, cried out, Ha, my Lord Prior, my good friend, my Lord Prior, save me, I beseech you, save me. Which words being heard by those that wrote in the van, they instantly faced about, and seeing there was nobody but the monk that made this great havoc and slaughter among them. They loaded him with blows as thick as they had used to do, and ass with wood. But all this he felt nothing, especially when they struck upon his frock. His skin was so hard, then they committed him to two of the marshal's men to keep, and, looking about, saw nobody coming against him, whereupon they thought at Gargantua, and his party were fled. Then was it that they rode as hard as they could towards the walnut trees to meet with them, and left the monk there all alone, with his two foresaid men to guard him. Gargantua heard the noise, and, neighing of the horses, and said to his men, Comrades, I hear the track and beating of the enemy's horse feet, and with will perceive that some of them come in a troop and full body against us, let us rally and close here, then set forward in order, and by this means we shall be able to receive their charge to their loss and our honor.