 Don't let me drown Hey what's up you guys today, I'm making a video talking about my last inpatient experience. February this year, I was inpatient the entire month. That's how many I could really say. People have asked me a lot of questions about this inpatient visit, why it happened, what led up it, did I know it was going to happen, what was it like, just anything, I've just just different, should I have left or at least I stayed in longer. All of the questions that I'm going to answer every single one in this video. Be very clear, I have avoided making this video. Just because I wasn't comfortable with saying why I was in hospital because it was very, it's different to my other admissions. I went inpatient during the start of February. February was not an easy month and January was even worse and I didn't make very many videos in January and when I did I was very slow and very distracted in them and that was because I was very severely hallucinating. I just played down the facts of how I was. I was seeing these shadows coming off the walls. It came with these 3D figures in black and they would just be around me all the time and I felt like I couldn't remove her. I couldn't breathe, I wasn't sleeping because they were over me and around me or return all night after I was still there and I could still hear them. I said the hallucin side of things was really bad and I just couldn't, I couldn't have continued in the community the way I was. Second reason, my PTSD was really, really bad. It began to a point where I was very suicidal which is the next point but my PTSD was so bad. I found flashbacks that were hours long, it wasn't just a few minutes, a few hours. It was an extended period of time that a lot out of me and I was exhausted but I also couldn't sleep and I wasn't functioning very well. I didn't get to uni because I couldn't function and I kept trying to fight through it and push through it with the community. I tried to get support in the community and every phone call I made was to try and avoid a hospital admission. Another reason would be my medication was completely fucked. It didn't do anything and it was pointless. The fourth thing would be my depression. Those of you who don't know I've been diagnosed with depression now for just over a year. It did come as a shock when it happened, it did and then it got really bad in January and I was actively suicidal. The day the police came, Jordan phoned them and I'm still grateful that Jordan phoned them, the home treatment team phoned them. Everyone said I didn't have capacity and capacity is something you need to be able to make decisions about your own care. I was told you're detaining mental health actually don't have capacity, you're welcome in with us and I thought I screamed and then these shadows came by me and I just huddled up and no one knew what was going on and when I came back around after I was in hospital a bit I explained to the police there was obviously I was like I was having a I was so I was like there's even things around me I wasn't trying to avoid you I was trying to avoid the shadows and if the JDA didn't understand I wasn't trying to get away from them I was trying to get away from the hallucination. Even though I knew it was a hallucination it was still scary and that's the thing that I've been finding really hard. The fact that I have insight into what's going on with my life has made it very hard for me to get help. I am starting private EMDR therapy and I'm also starting art therapy next week which will be a huge help for me it'll really it'll help the way I function but to avoid hospital admissions but she probably blunt when I got taken to hospital I knew I needed to be in hospital which is why when they said would you go in hospital we said you needed to I said yes because I know I need it and I know I go home I'll just go and I will kill myself. That hospital mission happened for a number of different reasons there's not one definitive reason that led up to that. The main reason being the mental health teams ignored my deterioration within my mental health and they hit a point of breaking. So right now I'm starting therapy yes I know the EMDR therapy is going to make me really unstable because I have to go and live through an old event. What I'm probably going to do for them few nights is I'm going to make sure that I have my anxiety meds and sleeping tablets and I'll just take them if things get too bad or I'll contact the home treatment team or the single point of access or someone if I need help. Thing is as well like that's the thing, no one ever assumes things are bad for me because I reach out for help because of the inside but because of the inside I don't get help. Like yes I'm diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I've talked about this a lot throughout like my videos and I'll get to into that. Initially that was my primary diagnosis. From this admission it was written down that PTSD was my primary diagnosis and then dissociation and BPD symptoms followed so I don't really know what that means with that. I'm more focused on the PTSD anyway at the moment I want to get that dealt with and sorted and I can't live with flashbacks anymore to be honest. It's not cheap and believe me my student alone is going to hate me but it's worth it because it means I have dealt with something that has kept me from doing what I want to do. With regards to total inpatient stay was it worth it? Yes if I hadn't had that admission I wouldn't be alive. Things were getting too bad and I couldn't get out of bed. My depression was bad and I can't even reiterate how bad my depression was at that moment. I made a video the other day showing me tidying up the aftermath and that was in the period of like January that I did that happened like the whole room was just covered in rubbish and that was not hence why I'm standing here. But it really does get to me I'm just like how did no one notice that things were getting as bad as they were when I was really struggling and I don't know that hospital admission is something I think I'm proud that I did. My mom agrees with the fact that I went in hospital which is a big thing for me my mom never agrees with me being in hospital which is nice. I had amazingly supportive friends like Kay, Beth, Jordan, Emma, Georgia. Everyone who's been involved in helping me through that month was amazing and whether it was just by them sending me a message and you guys as well I got so many messages on Twitter and Facebook and Instagram and from you guys saying I hope you're okay I had to talk and it was such an amazing feeling and would I go inpatient again if I needed to yes. I did say this during my last admission but I'm done fighting the systems nothing to fight like yes the home treatment teams are bad nothing I say I'll do is going to change that so I'm now focusing on therapies that are private and I know that everyone can afford private therapies and I know that some people do have to rely on the NHS and then people I will say just stick at it and wait because therapy does help and I know that it does like I said I'm currently waiting to do art therapy and EMDR therapy. EMDR therapy is eye movement desensitization it's going to help me. I found an amazing therapist with amazing feedback amazing reviews and affordable for my ad and with student discounts which I appreciate. A whole admission happened because it needed to happen like the medication change needed to happen and it happened like my medication change has been the biggest thing and the biggest turning point for me. They can't increase the one anti-depressant like I'm on which is vanilla vaccine that one anti-depressant is one they can't increase because it reacts really badly to me like how I am so they added another antidepressant called Trasadone and I take that twice a day with the vanilla vaccine and my mood has been really good from that and to help the hallucinogens out of my sleep they put me on to Quetiope in which has helped massively. I've not had a single hallucination since leaving the hospital and believe me I'm grateful. My mood is still a little bit up and down but it's a manageable level like I said to Kay on the phone the other day I was like my mood isn't really unstable anymore it's like there like I know what it is. I'm also on the rise of Hammond Day as I'm still among them for my anxiety because I do have really bad anxiety and I don't go out without taking something because I can't without crying and breaking down and I just can't. I haven't talked to a camera for hours but I don't know just the idea of going out and talking to people I don't know what but even if I'm not going out to talk to them the idea that someone could want to talk to me for directions or something that terrifies me. I didn't talk much about why I went in hospital. I don't really know why I didn't but to start with it was because I just wasn't in the right frame of mind to go back over all of it. I wasn't sure I wanted to and then I realised this channel is my life it's a diary you guys know more about me than my family do. You are all there for me you are all supportive and you're all going through very simple things is what I learn and for me to not share with you I felt like I was neglecting that I ended up when obligated to tell you what goes on in my life but I feel like it's an important thing for me to do. I've been in both voluntarily and on a section going in voluntarily was the best decision I made but my advice to anyone who wants to do their own dr go on the way in this save that five pound a week and pay for it like I need to deal with it like I've reached a point in my life I just need to deal with it so I can move on and that's one of the most important things so yeah this video is going to be a bit of a downer I feel I want to do a Q&A video soon so please leave some questions down below if you haven't already if you have any video requests also leave them down below if you didn't know I have a patreon it is linked on the end for the video it's also linked in the description down below I have a book there's a video coming out on Tuesday talking about my book and where I wrote it and all that lovely stuff that video has been really highly requested so I did that it's ready for Tuesday this video is going on today just Saturday oh hello people on Saturday I'm going to go so thank you guys for so much for supporting me what do you think of my new plan I want to make it look bright it is really bright like let's try to dance whether the light is better I can't see on camera so don't mind I'm going to end the video here if you're new here like that subscribe and give it a go click also leave a thumbs up and a comment down below if you have any suggestions questions or ideas oh I did my outro peace guys