 Am I supposed to care that you don't like me? That you don't think that I'm smart or interesting or pretty or worthy of being listened to? Am I supposed to give a flying that you disagree with my opinion? Absolutely. And if you're honest, you care what people think about you too. There's this saying that's out there that's really popular that other people's opinion of me is none of my business. And I want to say, unless you live off the grid with squirrels and birds, this can't be entirely true. As a matter of fact, it's almost biologically impossible not to care about other people's opinions of us. So today, let's talk about negativity. Why do people's negative comments seem louder than the positive? Why you can make an argument that negative people are actually more superior from an evolutionary standpoint? And lastly, how to find perspective and empathy based on the not so nice things that people have said about you, both on and offline. Now, as you know, to deal with this topic, your girl has been leaning into better help for the past couple of months to work on my own negative imprint. And that is why I'm so grateful for them for sponsoring this video. Similarly, if you know that something is interfering with your happiness or if it's preventing you from achieving your goals, better help will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist. Better help is not a crisis line and it's not self-help either. It's professional counseling done securely online. There is a huge range of expertise and better helps worldwide network, which may not be locally available in a lot of people's areas. And even if you need assistance on the go at any time, you can log into your account and send a message to your counselor. They're gonna get back to you in a timely, thoughtful way. Plus you can schedule weekly video or phone sessions. Better help wants you to start living a happier, mentally healthier life today. So if you're ready to join me on a therapeutic journey to the optimal you, visit betterhelp.com slash booty, that's better H-E-L-P dot com slash B-O-O-D-Y and that's gonna get you 10% off your first month with better help. And speaking of getting expert help, because this is an interest area of mine, but not necessarily an expertise area of mine, I've also taken in a friend for this video. Those of you who are on my email list already know that in April, I ran my very first virtual retreat called Happy Main Character Energy and one of the keynote speakers was Dr. Sophia Godkin. Dr. Sophia Godkin, PH, please say the D baby, is a health psychologist, happiness and relationship coach. She'll be popping in here and there with the good word throughout the video, like this. A negative comment automatically sends our brain a signal of distress. It alerts us that we might be at risk of not being accepted, not being regarded as valuable, not being loved or appreciated by other people. And over time prolonged negative thoughts can turn into habits by helping us to build the negativity muscle in our brain, where it becomes easier and easier for our brain to produce negative thoughts. And over time, a habit of negative thinking can produce extreme amounts of stress and it can increase the risk of anxiety and depression and it can also weaken our immune system and interfere with learning and memory in the brain. So humans are cooperation based animals or social animals that need one another. And in theory, we need each other for access to food, for access to procreation of course, but lastly, for access to protection against outside forces. With these theories in mind, we can answer some pretty important questions. Why do we care so much what other people think about us? Because the truth is, yes, even today social acceptance is tied to our chances of survival. The more that we are accepted and liked, the more that we are protected, the more that we are revered, the safer that we are. And the less that we have those things, the more in danger that we naturally feel. So it's natural to care. But this is how social media can get us deeply addicted by playing into this human part of us. We feel the need to constantly check in for validation to see if we are in still good standing with our community, even though a majority of the people that we're looking for validation from will never have a true impact on our lives. The second theory is called negativity bias and I want you to look into this on your free time because it will give you so much grace for yourself and understanding for other people. Boiled down, it basically means that human beings are more likely to point out and spot the negative than they are to think of and view the positive side of life. And there is an evolutionary explanation for this. They say that negativity is actually a dominant gene because somebody who focuses on the bad and picks out the bad is able to spot danger, has a heightened sense of alertness, and is less likely to put themselves in a position for a negative outcome. Furthermore, somebody who is constantly pointing out the flaws in life is the same person who is likely to think of ways to improve upon those flaws. I say this all the time, that innovation and criticalness are the exact same thing just viewed from different perspectives. And some of y'all are innovative as f***. It's likely that we receive more positive comments than we do negative comments from the people around us, but because our brain is hardwired to protect us, it tends to focus much more on the negative comments. Our brain has a negativity bias. It's built to look attentively for negative information in the environment and to respond to that negative information strongly and to remember it well so that we can fix problems when they're there and avoid similar problems or threats in the future. And this motivation to focus on negative things is a response that our ancestors neurologically acquired ages ago, and that still lives on in us today. Why is it that we focus so much on the negative things people say about us versus the positive things that people say about us? The truth of the matter is things are demanding your attention all day long, all the time, all at once. As I'm talking, there's like 17 flies on my legs and it's super annoying, but I'm focused on you. And that's what counts. And once again, if somebody in the pack has a negative opinion of us, then we have to change something about our behavior if we want to see ourselves in good standing. If someone has a positive opinion that tells our brain no action required and as a result, your brain deprioritizes it. An interesting aside that I would like to add, if you look at Maslow's hierarchy of needs, you will notice that belonging is more important or deemed as more critical than self-esteem. And that goes to say that being liked by others and accepted by others is arguably psychologically more important than us liking and accepting ourselves. And if that doesn't unlock a big aha for you, think about that. Think about some past relationships you've been in. Think about some family members that you have. Why are people more attracted to bad news and gossip than good news? Because bad news gives us a warning sign. It tells us somebody else's misfortune can be our learning lesson to again increase our chances of survival. Now, good news can definitely do that, especially in the world that we currently live in now, where we're less concerned about our direct survival and more concerned about our potential. But again, you have to hardwire your brain to think that way or you have to be in a position of privilege to even think that way. Why are we more likely to harp on the negative things people have said or done to us than to remember and focus on the good things? Like me, you might have been in an argument with somebody once in your life where they say, I've done all these things for you and that doesn't seem to count and all you wanna focus on is X and Y. When something negative happens to us, your brain basically folds the page, puts a bookmark and adds a bunch of sticky notes because they want you to remember that feeling and that experience that you don't repeat it again. Your brain essentially marked that as a close call. We almost lost it all. And your brain is not a fan of being placed in any kind of danger. So it reminds itself constantly of that feeling and of that experience in hopes that you're not going to have a repeat performance of it. On the flip side, something positive happens, your brain thinks, oh, this went well, no further action required and it's likely to lose it when it comes to long-term memory storage. If we think about our relationships, this means that hurtful things that our partner says are likely to stick with us for longer periods of time than something nice they might say. If your partner says something hurtful, your negativity bias will kick in and you'll latch onto that comment like super glue, having a hard time letting it go. Again, hurtful or critical words will likely hurt you much more than the positive words or compliments that your partner gives will help you. This is why when it comes to relationship satisfaction and relationship longevity, researchers say that it's really important to focus less on saying and doing tons of good constructive things and to focus more on not saying and not doing destructive things when problems arise or when conflict arises. All right, so if you are on the receiving end of negativity, whether it be from one person or from many people, here is my best tip for you. Let it breathe a little bit, let it simmer, let it sit because you, my friend, are going to enter into fight-or-flight mode. You are now in a space where you believe your reputation or perception is threatened amongst your community and as a result, you have a heightened sense of awareness, a heightened sense of arousal, which puts you in survival mode, which may lead you to not make the most sensible, calm decisions or say the most sensible, calm things in that moment. The unfortunate thing about when this happens to somebody on social media is there's a pressure to immediately respond but as we have seen time and time again from people, their immediate reaction to something is very rarely the most favorable reaction but because we live in this fast-paced, easy access, let's go right now world, people feel a need to try to keep up with that. If you can at all possible in your own life, try to avoid this pitfall. Give yourself a little bit of space and time because you gotta do what I refer to as the gold mining practice. When you're on the receiving end of criticism, I also suggest creating a mental separation in your mind between the person's words and what you allow to seep in and become a part of your identity. Here is what you think about me and here is what I think about me. Now that I have these two separated, I can take what you think about me and decide if it's valid. Sometimes criticism is intended to genuinely help us improve. It has merit and we can choose to take it on to improve some aspect of ourselves and sometimes criticism isn't well-intentioned. It doesn't have merit and it's based on the person's own frustrations or their own insecurities. Once you decide how much merit the criticism that you received has, you can choose to either ignore it, not giving it any power or you can choose to see it as valid and use it as an opportunity for improvement, perhaps even including it in the what I think about me part of your mind. You are a gold miner and you got your little pan and you go out into the world and you scoop up a bunch of dirt, a lot of negativity all up in your area and now you have to go through the process, a manual process of shaking and sifting and focusing to look for the gold in there. It's very important to note this because you aren't going through this experience looking for the dirt, looking for the things that you don't need or that are discardable, which could actually lead you to missing the gold pieces as they slip through the cracks, you have to be hyper-focused for the gold and the gold is the nuggets of truth that you can apply for self-improvement. And don't get me wrong, there are definitely scoops of dirt that you're gonna get that is nothing but dirt and all of it needs to be thrown away. But in order for negativity to become a enriching part of your life, you have to be hyper-focused on finding the gold. It's easier said than done, but if you can do it, it can really make a massive impact on your life in a positive way. Here's a quick tip for sorting the gold from the dirt. Now, if a comment from somebody sparks your imagination and makes you think, huh, I wonder how they thought that, I wonder how they got there, I wonder how that could apply to my life, let me reflect on it. It's likely that there might be some gold in there, so keep on sifting. On the flip side, if a comment leaves you in shock and confusion, meaning that the stimulus does not match the reaction, what you did or said or who you are has nothing to do with how that person responded to you, go ahead and just acknowledge that their commentary had nothing to do with you and throw that bad boy away. It also helps to understand that hurt people hurt people. We only ever treat other people poorly when we ourselves are hurting somehow inside. So when someone is sharing negative comments with you, whether in person or online, and you're feeling the pain of that, know that that person is in pain too. And see if you can find some compassion, first and foremost for yourself, and then if it feels right for the other person too. On the flip side, if you notice that you are the negative person in your circle or in your relationships or even within yourself, ask yourself how necessary negativity is as a tool in your life right now. And that's important to do because the truth of the matter is for some people, negativity is a difference between them and safety. Having that discerning critical eye is what's putting them in a position to protect themselves. And if that is your storyline and that's where you're at and that is your season, it's okay to be this way. Cause again, if you're not alive, nothing else matters. So protect yourself at all costs. On the flip side, if you feel the opposite that negativity is actually putting you in harm's way or it is removing you from people and relationships that are intrinsic to your survival and to your happiness. That is when I would say it's a good idea to hit the pause button. Our negativity bias makes us more likely to see the bad. So we've got to be as intentional as we can be about seeing the good. One of the easiest ways we can do this is to notice the positive things that are already existing in our lives that we're just missing every day and to really pause and savor them, take a moment or two to appreciate them. We can also start to relate to our negative thoughts and feelings with more understanding and more compassion to prevent them from getting even bigger. Oftentimes we try to push negative thoughts and emotions away and all that does is it causes them to get stronger and louder. Learning to stay with our negative thoughts and emotions when they arise and learning to relate to them with curiosity and understanding can really help to keep one negative thought from becoming a habitual cycle of negativity. Because the truth of the matter is just like we can change for the positive as a result of negative observations, we can also make an observation that we are too negative and make a positive change for ourselves. And luckily we live in a time where the help to do so is extremely accessible. It is never too late or too early to get the help you need to get on a plan that is catered for you, your needs and your goals. And a service that I suggest you check out if that sounds like something that you want to dive into is BetterHelp. BetterHelp wants you to start living a happier, mentally healthier life today. So if you're ready to join me on that journey to the optimal you, visit betterhelp.com slash B-O-O-D-Y, that's better H-E-L-P dot com slash B-O-O-D-Y because that's how you're gonna get 10% off your first month with BetterHelp. And very, very last thing, I wanna say a big shout out to Dr. Sophia Godkin for always being such a great partner in my content. You can follow her on Instagram at the happiness doctor. And also check out her brand new book, The Happiness Journal, 52 Weeks of Guided Reflections to Cultivate, Genuine Joy. Please say the genuine. Thank you. 🎵 Don't I, don't I, don't I, don't I, don't I, don't I 🎵 🎵 I can't help but flex it, oh, I can't wait to break it 🎵