 If you are working with or caring for a child who is prone to anger and aggression, how can you communicate with them calmly? Like, this is a huge question because actually it's not just about the mechanics which is what I'm gonna cover in this video. Part of this is about you being in a good enough head space to be able to try and respond with love and care and kindness in moments when actually perhaps you feel like you want to snap too. However, what we know is that when we are in sort of heightened anger, anxiety, aggression, the very best way to try and bring that mood down is not to have our trusted adults snap back at us which might be what we feel like doing but rather it's about having that trusted adult responding in a really calm way. And that's hard, that takes practice but it's hugely, hugely effective. And the good news is you can fake it till you make it. Now, this is something you can try any time. Don't wait until the moment when you need to be calm in the face of crisis in order to practice it. Practice it at times of calm. Practice it in the shower. Practice it when you're walking your dog or whatever. Think about how you're gonna talk, how it's gonna be and then when you find yourself faced with crisis you'll find you're much better able to do it. So what does it look like? So calm communication, really simple. First of all, lower your voice. When tension is rising, when we've got aggression, we've got anger, we've got anxiety, then the volume tends to be going up and up and up and up and actually what we need to do is bring that right down. Even if the person we're supporting is up here, we need to be down here. And actually, this is a tool that those of you who are teachers use all the time in your classrooms, isn't it? You know that actually, when there's huge hub up going on in the classroom, one of the most effective things you can do to calm it down is to be really calm and controlled and measured in the way that you are communicating. If you join in and shout, then you just end up with this cacophony of ah. Okay, so we're gonna lower our voice. You might also think not just about lowering the volume but also about sometimes we kind of literally speak a little bit deeper sort of anxiety and anger tends to be a bit more high pitched and squeaky but when we're calm, everybody's like, what's going on here? Sorry, buddy. When we're calm, we tend to speak a bit more low. So we're gonna lower our voice. We're gonna speak really calmly. Have a think about those kind of, you know, audio books or meditation tapes and the calm voice that people use in those and have a think about emulating that. And yes, you will feel like a bit of an idiot when you start doing it but with practice it will begin to feel, no, you still feel like an idiot but it's really quite effective. So we're gonna try and speak really calmly and along with that we're gonna speak slowly. Again, remembering that anxiety and anger tends to be high and loud and fast and we get it up, we wanna do the opposite. So we're bringing it down, we're making it calm, we're gonna speak nice and slowly. And then the other key thing here is that you need to tell the child that you're willing to listen. They do not need to shout or hit or bite or scream or whatever in order to get your attention. They've got your attention, you are calmly listening, you are prepared to listen. Now this will not instantly change things. However, over time your child, the child you're supporting will learn that when they do this, you respond calmly and it can begin to have an impact. Now, in order to save your own sanity and to make this possible, because let's be honest, these moments are super hard to manage. It's a really good idea to develop a few stock phrases that you might use in this situation. You can be a broken record, that's fine, because actually your child is kind of off on one and you can be saying the same thing again and again and again, you don't have to be saying anything clever here, just repeat the same two or three phrases, that's fine, until the mood comes down. And what I would also say is, as well as having those stock phrases, so those might be, I'm really keen to hear what you have to say about this. I'm sorry that things feel quite difficult for you right now, or it really depends on the child. I find it really hard to think of these off the cuff, which is why you need to prepare them and practice them. Okay, so you'll think of your two or three phases. These will be things that feel like things you might actually say, and things that your child might actually want to hear at a time of calm. And then I would genuinely suggest practice them. Say them in the shower, say them when you're walking your dog, say them anytime, buddy, just wait for him one more moment. Say them, he's off. One thing that's important to remember here is that these moments are not only difficult for the kid, they're difficult for us too. And actually, by doing this, by practicing, speaking really calmly and having these kind of stock phrases and having practice saying them in a calm, measured, controlled, slow, clear way, actually we give ourselves a tool as well for managing those moments because we've all been there where actually we want to explode as well. We know it's not helpful, we don't want to do it, it's really hard not to, but here, you give yourself a kind of get out of jail card. When you feel this happening, just retreat into these phrases, this mantra, and go with it. Try it, see if it works for you. It won't work for everyone, but lots of people find this kind of simple, calm communication really incredibly helpful. And don't necessarily wait until this has happened. You can do it as things are beginning to bubble to try and bring the mood back down again as well. Good luck, I hope it helps. Leave a comment, let me know how you get on. Please subscribe and hopefully you'll come back for future videos on Tuesdays and Fridays. Bye.