 Yesterday I received an interesting quote from someone on my YouTube channel that I wanna share with you and I think it's fascinating. But the quote says, and I don't know who actually made this quote, it says, women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men. Women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men. And as I pondered that for a little bit, I thought to myself what happened to me after my divorce. And if any of this resonates with you, please hit that like button, please let me know. Because after my divorce, I found myself desiring companionship, connection and sex. I was in the motive, I had this hole inside of me and I needed it filled. So the first thing I did, literally days after I moved out of the house, I went on and created an online dating profile. I think back then it was called Yahoo! Personals. I also know AOL Personals was one of the top sites. In fact, it eventually became match.com. And while I was on AOL Personals, I would start connecting with women. I began starting with an email and believe me, I was so inept. In fact, back then I was so inept, I didn't know how to actually upload a photograph. I mean, it was like, this was before smartphones where we had the capability of doing that. Does anyone remember that when you had maybe a blackberry or a flip phone and you weren't able to send and take a picture and send an attachment? Well, that's where I was at in my life back then. So what was interesting and I was in my early 40s, so I was, I think I was a little bit younger, a little bit more attractive and I got a lot of action. And what I mean to say, I've got a lot of interest because it was like so brand new internet dating back then. And I'll never forget, I met this really nice woman, had a really nice date, but something wasn't right. And a few days later, I need another woman. I'd have a nice date and something wasn't right. What began happening though, and if you know my story, I had over a hundred internet dates after my first year of moving out. And I realized that something wasn't right was me. During that course of the year though, I was engaging in conversations with so many different women, practically stringing them along and not from an intentional conscious place. What was happening for me is I was communicating, I would start a telephone, first I'd start an email exchange that led to a telephone call. And sometimes I get on the phone with someone for hours and hours at a time. In fact, I remember specifically starting a phone call at 8 p.m. in the evening with someone, only to finish at four in the morning. That is eight hours, eight hours of conversation. And during this conversation, we're sharing our lives, our divorces, our past experiences. And sometimes, I remember when instant messages used to be on dating apps, sometimes I'd have three or four or five instant message boxes going on communicating with so many different women at the same time. This went on for over a year. I was having incessant communication. And what I didn't realize why I was doing this and how I unconsciously was stringing women along. Now in some cases, I developed friendships with these women, but in other cases, there was this desire to connect from that companionship level, that connection level, that desire for physical intimacy, which clouded my judgment during this time because what was actually happening, and I didn't realize I was stringing someone along while this was happening, was I was using them as my therapist. What I mean to say is opening up emotionally about my marriage and all of the hurt that I experienced. And they were doing the same thing. They were sharing their hurt from their previous relationship or their marriage. And all of the fears and anxieties that were going on regarding raising children at that time. And I had younger children at the time. I was going through a divorce. And I didn't realize that what was happening during this period of time is I was using this person as a pseudo therapist because I couldn't tell my male friends what was going on. I was so, because men, we just weren't trained or prepared to share our vulnerabilities with another person, our fears and anxieties with other men. And it became really easy to do this behind the screen of our telephones, behind the screen of our smartphones. Back then it wasn't as much text messaging as going on today. And through the sharing of intimate experiences with this person, they would become attached to me because you women are such beautiful human beings where you, when you are receptive to a man who is opening up to emotional facet, they're opening up to an emotional facet of their lives. To women, that's like music to your ears. I've heard it said that men fall in love through their eyes and women fall in love between the ears. And while you're not actually falling in love with the person, you're becoming quite attached because this man is emoting from an emotional perspective. And that's what was going on for me. And what I didn't realize is I was doing this habitually with so many different women because I had so much anger and not anger. I don't want to characterize it as this violent kind of thing, but that all the disappointments and all the frustrations, it was bubbling up. And I just wanted to release that. It's like a volcano that has, you know, shoots that release gas. I didn't, I wasn't going to erupt in anger. I want to retract that. But I was releasing all the gases through the vents by communicating with women because women, as I said earlier, have this beautiful capacity to be nurturing kind and supportive. And during the course of a year, I didn't realize that I was using women as therapists. I was stringing them along as my therapist. And then it was after a year, I realized that the common denominator and the problems were all me. At that time, the movie, The Secret came out and a lot of other Tony Robbins was all over my feeds and on the internet and such. So I began exploring personal development, self-help, and spiritual work. Was actually all of the work I did prior to my son passing away, prepared me to write my book, What the Heck Is Self-Love? Anyway, A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help, and Spiritual Work. What I'm sharing this with you is when a person shifts by doing the healing, by doing the inner work, particularly about their past relationships, you can be better prepared for any new relationship. So it's interesting, the woman who wrote me that shared with me women are not rehabilitation centers for broken men. She went on to suggest something else, and I really like this. I have to look at my notes. She says, do an autopsy of their past relationships. And I went up, so do an autopsy about someone's past relationships. So you've met someone online. He begins to start to emote, share all these feelings about his past relationships. And usually that's where it stems from. What you need to do is an autopsy of that past relationship, but more importantly, much like a detective, much like a coroner, much like an examiner, you have to be able to read between the lines. Is this person simply stringing you along as his therapist because so often when men dump, emote, vent to a person, they do so because it feels safe. However, and this is the critical, however, put on the brakes, most men who have dumped, emoted, vented to a woman whom they barely even know rarely actually want to pursue a relationship with this person. They may, there may be a level of sexual desire that may happen between the two of you and you explore the physical realm. But what happens is when a man goes about and does the work to heal himself and ladies, you have to recognize this. If he has trust issues, if he has abandonment issues, if he's had a contentious childhood, if he has childhood wounds and traumas or adult traumas within his life, if he has done no healing and you're in relationship with this man, even if he goes on a journey of healing which could take years, Allison Armstrong calls it the tunnel, the tunnel. If you're not familiar with the work of Allison Armstrong. Where is the Queen's Code? Oh, I don't see the book handy. Okay, I highly recommend checking out Allison Armstrong's book called The Queen's Code to understand the tunnel we men go through. Another version of the tunnel is called Midlife Crisis. When a man is caught up in his midlife crisis, he may be able to emote his emotions to you. Again, unconsciously using you as his therapist. And many of you are even a little bit skilled when it comes to therapy. Maybe you have a psychology degree. Maybe you have some background in life coaching. And because of that, you're appreciating his vulnerability, but that doesn't mean he's capable of a relationship with you. And furthermore, if and when he does healing, which could take years, the tunnel, the tunnel for me started in 2005, 2006, and I didn't get out of the tunnel until really, I started to make the curve about five years later. And I don't think I was out of the tunnel for another five years after that. For many men, this crisis, if you will, this emotional crisis we go through could last a decade or even longer. And what usually happens is, while we appreciate that person that held space for us during the tunnel, and again, this is all unconsciously speaking, what happens is that they want to become a bright, shiny penny to someone new. Now, let me just say this about inner work, okay? Oftentimes you can do a lot of work prior to meeting someone. And what's gonna happen is when you're in a relationship, you can get re-triggered all over again. The difference is, just much like my sweetheart, Marie and I, she triggers a lot of my stuff. Thankfully, I have the tools because I did the work prior to. Ladies, if you're engaging in a relationship with someone where you're communicating incessantly and especially if you're unpacking the past relationship, your job is to read between the lines. This is where my coaching comes in. I help to design the questions you should be asking someone prior to ever giving your heart to another person. And so I always recommend schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. Because the fact is, as many of you have not, don't have the skills to be discerning, to discern is this person that's going to possibly string you along, unconsciously speaking. And I recognize that it can be music to your ears when a man is vulnerable to you, but that doesn't mean he's capable of long-term commitment with you. And if you don't recognize it, this is a strongly prevalent experience today in the dating marketplace, particularly for those of us in midlife. In midlife is after baby making years and before retirement that we actually tend to bond with each other through our traumas. Through our traumas we might bond with one another only to have a house built on a very weak foundation. The fact of the matter is most human beings are dysfunctional. Rather, some are more dysfunctional than others. Your job is to figure out which is the least dysfunctional guy. That's why doing an autopsy of their past relationships and learning how to read between the lines. I call it laying your cards on the table. If you cannot understand who a person is without knowing their past, I want you to think about this for a moment. Let's say you'd been friends with a man or you knew a lot about a man because you're in the same social circles and you heard all the stories about his past relationships. You would probably operate completely differently in any relationship where you're with him. So when we go in naively about past relationships, recognizing the person's gonna give you their story but it's not the whole story. Their narrative, not the narrative from both people. You might find yourself empathizing or sympathizing with his side without really knowing what's the real story behind this. This is why you have to learn to read between the lines. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Listen, there's nothing easy about giving our heart to someone or inviting someone into our heart only to find out that they're incapable of actually supporting a healthy relationship. This is the reality of human beings. The fact of the matter is is most human beings don't have the skillset to be in a romantic relationship with another person. Certainly we're capable of companionship connection and sex but without the tools, it's gonna make it very difficult and I just don't want you to fall for the guy who is opening his heart through his traumas because what you might feel like is you've been strung along and he didn't do it intentionally. But I want you to be better prepared before you ever enter into a connection with another human being. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. I'd like to hear your thoughts. Please post a comment below. By the way, folks, being part of Midlife Love Mastery, I invite you to tell your friends about Midlife Love Mastery. There's a link right there. I'd like you to invite them to our group by sending them to my website, jonathanazley.com. Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group. And I'm gonna sign off this videos I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic Jonathan Barrack of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye-bye. Bye.