 The Jaws of Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin, presents the Halls of Ivy, starring Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Coleman. Your best thought is Schlitz, the beer that made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of Schlitz than any other beer. That's why Schlitz is the largest selling beer in America. In college, Dr. William Todd Renter Hall has achieved a full measure of contentment and peace. And I'll witness this peace and contentment this evening. Dr. Hall entranced with the fingers of flame in his fireplace. Mrs. Hall profoundly absorbed in the book. Here, indeed, is a portrait of tranquil, fruitful domesticity. Well, if you don't mind, darling, I think I'll... Please, Toddie, just a minute. I'm certainly going to say that I think I'll turn in now. Good, good. I'm on the last page. The flash drive. Please. Come on, darling, read it aloud, or I'll fall asleep in my chair. Well, you won't know what it's all about. Well, that's the acid test to the mystery novel, Rickey. If I can't tell you what it's all about on the last page then you've been led wickedly astray by an unscrupler's author. I thought you never read murder stories. I once read them, but they're gross. But my very wholesale consumption of them defeated me. I had such a facility as putting the culprit halfway through the book that the front was gone. I don't mind escape literature, but it should amuse or relax, not frustrate and annoy him. I'm not being frustrated or annoyed, I'm loving every word of it, and I'm sure I don't know who done it. Well, it's simply a lack of experience, my darling, when the element of surprise is identity, there can be only a limited number of suspects. My objection to the who done it is the who. I've always preferred the how done it, or the why done it, with their infinite possibilities. It's an easy thing to unmask the criminal, but to explore his motives, that is the challenge. Well, I don't want to be challenged here, I just want to be suddenly frightened for 265 pages, and then be able to say on page 266, well, who would have thought it was him? Oh, excuse me. I certainly am. And now I must get to bed. I have to address the Student Honor Society tomorrow afternoon, and I must be my own flashing, concise, dynamic setup. It's difficult enough when I've had enough sleep, but when I've only... I'm pretty at this hour. Well, it's not late, but I hope whoever it is is a mere dropper in her, and not a hang around till heaven knows when I am. Oh, good evening, Professor Warren. I didn't see another lighter in faculty row, and couldn't resist it, Dr. Hall. I'm the flying Dutchman at the campus, all sales set to no port in mind. Glad to have you aboard. Personally, I detest unannounced visitors, but I just got tired talking to myself. Good evening, Mrs. Hall. Why, Professor Warren, it is nice to see you. Thank you. And if you promise to throw me out in 15 minutes, I'll sit down. It's too late for social calls, and dear old Ivy. That was almost the first thing I discovered when I came here. People sleep nights. I didn't when I was a student. I just went out and raised the devil. That's part of the curriculum, as I remember it. I can take a head in it, Professor. What'll you have? Another thing, thanks. No, I finished my baccalaureate in research years ago. I have to keep my reflexes on split second timing at my age. You're the youngest man I know, Professor. Well, that's my concerned opinion, too. But, unfortunately, the Board of Governors doesn't consider age. It's the number of years. He just locked off. 65 years dead. Sheer murder, if you don't mind, a sheer undergraduate expression. We were just passing a bloodless evening discussing the subject of murder on a whole done it level. And speaking of homicide, Professor, I hope you don't mind if I slaughter a few cherished misconceptions in my speech to your student honor society tomorrow. My honor society? Dr. Hall, my being chosen as faculty chairman of that elite little group is one of the unanswerable questions of Ivy's history. We have nothing in common except complete mistrust to each other's opinions. As you'll observe at the meeting tomorrow. Well, time to up-harm off. Well, next time drop in for a longer visit. Perhaps some of your unorthodoxy will rub off on me. I feel I could use it now and then. Old roads are good, but sometimes they're the longest way around. Well, I've always said the difference between being in the groove and getting in a rut was just a matter of width. I wish he'd come over more often, Tony. He's so outrageous and so honest. He is the last of the tobacco-during professor. He hasn't won a compromise in his entire constitution. Sort of older, but not wiser, Dr. Hall. Oh, nonsense, my dear. I'm a creature of compromise. Every president has to be. Tomorrow, for instance, I would like to tell an exclusive society exactly what I think of intellectual snobbery, but that would be discriminating against merit. So, instead, I'll season the usual phrases with my spicy murder theory on how and why instead of the whole. You'll kill him, doctor. Well, if I do, it'll be with a blunt instrument known as truth. The four students you have chosen as outstanding in achievement and promise should consider this honor as a responsibility. A responsibility to examine in the privacy of their own hearts the ways and means by which they earned their distinction. Success by itself is meaningless. It is exemplary only in the how and why it has been achieved. Thank you. Thank you, Dr. Hall. Of course, you know you stole my thunder, so I'll skip my speech. It was full of cliches anyway. I'll just introduce the four elected candidates for future fame. A burden I wouldn't wish on my own children. First, the three seniors. Please stand and take your bow. Mr. Edward Tomlinson. Mr. John Nordstrom. And Mr. Paul Castello. And now the first junior ever to be invited to the Honor Society, Miss Dale Anderson. I say something. You certainly may. Well, please don't misunderstand me. I'm not ungrateful, but I want to thank the members of the Honor Society for choosing me. But I especially want to thank Dr. Hall for what he said. He made it clear to me that I can't accept this honor. What you mean can't accept it? Well, I just... It's a personal matter. I'm sorry. Well, how do you like that, Dr. Hall? She turned us down cold. Yes. And from what she said, it looks like I am to blame. I wonder why. Or is it how? Paul is just opening the front door. Good evening, Mrs. Hall. Ah, good evening, Miss Anderson. Come in. Oh, thank you. Dr. Hall wanted to see me. Yes, he's right here. Oh, hello, Miss Anderson. Yes, I did want to see you. Since that slight furor you caused this afternoon, some people are full of surmises. After all, you were the first junior ever elected to the Honor Society. And this is the first time anyone has ever declined the honor. Well, I wasn't trying to be conspicuous, Dr. Hall, but if I had accepted that honor, I'd have hated myself. Well, frankly, I was baffled when you thanked me for something I said which led you to your decision. You made me feel responsible. Oh, well, didn't you misunderstood me? Well... I thought perhaps you had misunderstood me. Well then, it seems to me clarifies the whole situation. Nobody understands any audience. Just not all over again. Well, no, I'm sure I understood, Dr. Hall. He simply made pain to me something that's been bothering me for a long time. I should have realized right away that I couldn't accept. Dr. Hall, I don't deserve any honors. You see, I've cheated to get into Ivy. Oh, well, cheating is a crime one commits mostly against oneself. But why do you admit it now? Well, this afternoon, when you asked us to consider how and why we accomplished what we have, I came up with a miserable answer. I wanted to college education desperately. I managed to get into Ivy, and more than two and a half years I had been willing to let it go at that. I never felt that I'd hurt anybody. I knew all my grades, honestly. But that wasn't enough, and I should have known better. Dale, um, not that I expect to use the information, but I'm curious to know how one goes about cheating one's way into Ivy. The standards are pretty high. Well, I had to quit high school at the end of my third year, Mrs. Hall. My cousin was in the same class, went on and graduated, but he didn't go to college. So I used his credits, that's all. My cousin had the same name, Dale Anderson. Miss Anderson, you still haven't explained why you suddenly felt the necessity of making a clean rest of all this two and a half years later. I told you, Dr. Hall, I couldn't accept an arm I don't deserve. Yes, but from your record, it's quite evident that you earned your election to the honor society, earned it fairly by virtue of superior grades. The only trouble is, you never did properly qualify for Ivy, and that's a serious problem. I suppose that means I'll be expelled. Well, how can you be expelled when you haven't even matriculated? You're simply the victim of your own ingenuity. You got into Ivy all right, but technically, you're not in Ivy at all. Well, then technically, Dale's cousin, Dale, is already a junior at Ivy, even though he never claimed you. It is confusing. Where do we go from here? Please, I suggest we go to Dale's faculty advisor. Well, he shouldn't have any objections. Dale's record speaks for itself. Who is your faculty advisor, Dale? Oh, Professor Grove. He's a nice man, Grove. Now, though a bit on the sour side for me, he was weaned on a pickle. Professor Grove is a man of great integrity, also of great inflexibility, a paragon of protocol, a man who is so meticulous in his punctuation of a sentence that he forgets the meaning of it before he finishes it. I know he's very strict, Dr. Hall, but he's always been helpful. I'll go see him. Well, not yet, I think. We must consider strategy. Would you mind waiting until I formulate a campaign? Well, no, not at all, Dr. Hall. This isn't the case which requires much defense. As the old saying goes, circumstances and rum runners alter cases. Oh, God! Well, in this case, anyway, this case just needs some clarification and a little understanding. Thank you, Dr. Hall. And thanks to both of you for making sure I'll get some sleep tonight. Good night, Dale. You know, Tony, that's my kind of girl. She knows what she wants and she goes after it. She reminds me of myself. You didn't cheat to get into Ivy. You did it the hard way. You married me. It's substantially the story. Ms. Anderson was enrolled in Ivy on her cousin's credentials. Oh, her fine record here and however irregular this case may be, we are not dealing with just an ordinary student. I've asked you here, Professor Gromina, because you are the young lady's faculty advisor. And you, Professor Warren, well, I felt you were entitled to some explanation of her actions. Well, as far as I'm concerned, Dr. Hall, she may have got in here by misrepresentation, but I'll let her represent Ivy standards any time. We need a few more bright little crooks like her. No, for seriousness, the issue is not that simple, Professor Warren. It's true that Ms. Anderson is an outstanding student. But as such, she sets an example. If we were to relax our regulations in her case, this would suggest that nobody need fulfill our requirements. That the use of any kind of trickery to get witnesses is justified if you continue to pass your studies. That's a lot of sheep, Dick Gromina, and you know it. You're suggesting that we penalize the girl because she's good. And you're recommending that we acquit her because she is dishonest. You call her dishonest. I'd say she was in a hurry. She's a great in college, deserves to be there. And anybody who admits taking an unethical shortcut is honest enough for me. That may be all right in principle, Professor Warren, but as Professor Gromina points out, in practice it could be dangerous. That president shares that is exactly my point, Dr. Hall. The credential system is so well established, it can easily withstand Professor Warren's non-conformist attacks. Who's attacking whom? I'm just proud that we got a girl like Dale Anderson at Ivy. I don't want to throw her out. Neither do I, Professor Warren. Well, and I'm sure that Professor Gromina is in the same opinion. We all want to keep her here. I'd like to suggest a solution. Obviously, we don't want the girl to go back to high school, but we can give her a second chance. Why not a special examination to verify her properly? Well, I don't know. Now, that is a departure. What's the matter with that? We got to have departures now, and then the world would be full of starving red caps. Sounds like a good out to me. Dr. Hall, nobody denies Ms. Anderson's qualifications as a student, but she already passed her entrance examination when she came here, so any other would be a waste of time. Well, I was speaking of a final high school examination. Professor Gromina, that's the only one that's lacking in Ms. Anderson's record. Don't you think she deserves a chance to pass it now? Well, what's the matter, Gromina? You think you'll be committing a crime if you get the girl a break? No, shut up. Well, Dr. Hall, of course, there's no question about her passing it, but I suppose this is the only procedure unless you expel her outright. It's a convention of our rules. However, I will accept the decision of the examining board. Now, if you don't mind, I'm due with my class, Dr. Hall. Yes, of course, and thank you, Professor Gromina, for taking time out to settle this affair. I think that in this case, the most valuable examination Ms. Anderson has taken was of her own character. As if more people would take a careful look at themselves, it would be a very good thing. And would increase tremendously the sale of rose-colored glasses. Yes. Well, good day, gentlemen. You busy, Doctor? No, no, come in. Say, have you taken a high school examination lately? Oh, yes, that's right. Dale Anderson took a test this morning, didn't she? Professor Warren, oh, well, I'm glad it's you. Don't be too sure. Why, what's the matter? Your husband had a brilliant idea. Which one? The high school examination for Dale Anderson. Oh, yeah, I thought that was rather neat. I gather from your long face that it wasn't such a good idea. What happened? She took it. The examining board got their list of questions from that pompous-ass pomeroy down at Harvey High. I guess he figured this was his big chance to stump the expert. Well, don't tell me he didn't pass. Nobody seems to know, yet. It all depends on how you look at it. She missed a lot of questions. Well, if she missed, then they must have been doped. The word is loaded, darling. Were they, Professor? We'll see what you think. Here, wait a minute. Any hour? Beat the clock on this one. I demise the disposition of forces and list the squadron commanders in the Battle of La Panto. Well, La Panto was one of the most important battles in the Crusades. Now, the commanders, let me see. Oh, yes, yes. There was Don John of Austria. Don John of Austria is going to the war. Stiff flags straining in the night blasts cold, in the gloom black-purple, in the glint all gold. Torched like crimson on the copper kettlegrams, in the tuckets, in the trumpets, in the cannon. And he comes, Don John, laughing in the brave beard curled. Isn't that cute? Look, or G.K. Chesterton cute, but he's an old favorite of mine. Chesterton is not required reading in high school. And furthermore, you only mentioned one of the commanders. What about the others? How many galleys in the Turkish fleet? And how many galleys in the leagues? Dr. Hall? How many? Do you know? Well, I'm a history professor. I'm supposed to know. Do you? Well, I missed on the number of galleys. Here's an easy one in mathematics. Now, listen carefully. You're trying for $64. When I am as old as my father is now, I shall be five times as old as my son is now. By then, my son will be eight years older than I am now. The combined ages of my father and myself are a hundred years. How old is my son? Well, now let's see. Five times as old as he is now. Eight years old. One hundred years, you say? One hundred years, you say? Yes, a hundred years. Five times my son's age. Five s plus eight. And then to get my father's age f. Thirteen. Mrs. Hall? I think it's thirteen. It is thirteen. But can you do algebra that quickly in your head? Why do you do algebra? To me, pi is something put on the table, not on the blackboard. You yourself. It's extraordinary. Thirteen, eh? Of course, it's a well-known fact that intuition and our perception are factors in mathematics calculations. It explains the thinking process of a child prodigy. Oh, did that make me a child prodigy, Tony? No, but it makes me very curious. Not about you, Vicky. I'm very proud of you. But about those questions, may I see them, Professor? You chiefen. I have more passionate ideas about our conventional examination system. Well, at the moment I'm more concerned about Dale Anderson. If she's really failed in enough of these questions, Professor Grovenham will insist upon adherence to what he calls proper procedure. So, I guess I'd better proceed against Professor Grovenham. I take examination and I'm sorry, Dr. Hall. You can exercise your authority in this matter, of course, but I must remind you, you must take this step in the first place. A girl has been given a fair chance. Fair chance, I wonder. Professor Grovenham, may I ask you a couple of questions? Of course. Would you describe for me, please the behavior of the hydrogen ion in aqueous solutions and illustrate by giving five examples? Dr. Hall, you're not serious. I... Chemistry was never one of my best subjects. Well, I know. I know. Your memory has failed you and so has mine on many of these questions. It could be very embarrassing if it ever got out that the head of the English department flunked a high school examination, couldn't it? Well, after all, there are trick questions. Ah, but they're not exactly trick questions. These subjects are covered in high school courses. With sufficient saturation and a little extra cribbing, they're answerable. Otherwise nobody would ever get out of high school. Well, you know, Dr. Hall, I was never in favor of the high school examination ideas. Yes, I know. I know it was my idea and I was wrong and it was extremely unfair to Miss Anderson. On the basis of my own score in this test, if she does not pass with flying colors they'd better flunk me out of college. Any objections? The cheer is shouting to the ships. Don John pounding from the slaughter-painted pool, purpling all the ocean like a bloody pirate's swoop, scarlet running over on the silvers and the golds, breaking of the hatches up and bursting of... Oh, I beg your pardon, Miss Anderson, but thanks to you I have rediscovered my old friend, Justin. What a wonderful poem, Dr. Hall. It's the first time I've heard it. You haven't heard the heart of it, Bayle. I'm sure that whenever you want, Dr. Hall will gladly oblige. I was reminded of the Battle of Lepanto. Don John has been marching up and down the living room and shouting to the ships. Also, Miss Anderson, thanks to you I have discovered that I married a mathematical genius. Uh, well, um... Polly, I didn't want to embarrass you while Professor Warren was here, but the fact is whenever anybody asks me a mathematics question, I always say 13. I'll be attached to it. Of course, if this theory ever gets around, Einstein might yet wind up fiddling for square bounces. But, um, Bayle, you took the examination, didn't you? Oh, yes, I can tell you how confused I was when I first saw it. Well, if you can keep a secret, it might be assure you to know that certain prominent members of the faculty had even more trouble with the examination than you did. That's true, but at least you passed it, though it was a very narrow squeak. I'm afraid of that. I could have used that year I missed in high school. Yeah, you're the first girl I ever heard of who graduated from high school in a third-year college. Just imagine this whole thing arose from the discussion of mystery and murder, the hows and the whys, from this to my honor society talk and your own self-examination of the why and the how. Oh, I have to read more murder mysteries. I owe it to them. Well, there's probably a great lesson if I could only think a bit. Well, there may not be any great lesson, Vicki, but I think I may be permitted an observation. As long as this affair stems from murder and turned out happening, I might suggest that the difference between man's slaughter and man's laughter is merely an apostrophe and a space, and that life requires some very careful proofreading. I thought his schlitz, the beer book made Milwaukee famous. More people like the taste of schlitz than any other beer. That's why schlitz is the largest-selling beer in America. Now, here again, our Mr. and Mrs. Ronald Colman. Good night, everybody. Hi. It's been selected by Matt Wohl and presented by the Joseph Schlitz Brewing Company of Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Ken Carpenter speaking.