 So today I want to talk about what one of our members posted in the group today. I thought that would be a great conversation to talk about. Dating several men at the same time, whether it's called cluster dating, whether it's called duty dating, whether it's called... Let's see, other one, duty dating, circular dating. I would like to talk about this because I'm not a big fan of it. However, we have to look at it in its context. So I just want to read to you really quickly the post that came in. Jonathan, can you talk about dating two to three men at once in the very early stages? I'd prefer not to, but other coaches advise cluster dating for a few months and putting off sex so we don't get too attached. I do not love this idea, but I have tried it at the beginning. It does work to keep me less focused on one man, but I find it a bit defensive dating. The other issues, many of these men are spenders, and it takes a minute to sort out who is the builder. And if you're not familiar with the difference between a user, a spender, and a builder, a user is those love bombers. They're really in it for the sex. They're in it for their own needs. The grower builders, these are the men who want a serious relationship. And the spenders just want to spend time with you. They want companionship. They want connection. They want sex, but they're not really capable of commitment. So she says it takes a few minutes to sort those men out. The other question is, I'm texting with three men on the app, and two have asked me out. I've only been back for a week. What do I say to these men if I want to focus only on one man? It is risky before an exclusive talk. And she goes on to talk about some other stuff. So this is the point I'd like to lean into this conversation about my thoughts about dating more than one person at a time and talking to multiple people at the same time. Okay, first we have to establish that the reality is these days, especially for those of us in midlife, we are not physically surrounded by single eligible people on a day in, day out basis for the most part. Okay, and why I say midlife is when you're in your 20s and 30s, or at least for those of us who are baby boomers and Gen Xers, before the internet, before these devices, we connected with people out in public. It could have been if we're in our 20s, it could be in a college. You are surrounded by age appropriate single eligible men and women if you're heterosexual, okay? And maybe you're going out to nightclubs. I know when I was in my 20s, that was the place to meet women. We would go out, my buddies and I on Friday, Saturday night, to go pick up chicks. That's what we called it. Now, in retrospect, looking back, especially being a dating coach, I'm not sure I was all that genuine back then, because in my 20s and 30s, I was highly driven by lust. I was highly driven by testosterone, okay? Now, let's fast forward to men in your 40s, 50s, or 60s, because my demographic is that midlife range for those women who are after baby making years and before retirement. Why is it important to understand this? Well, for the men who are in their 40s, 50s, and 60s, they've amassed a bit of life experience. In most cases, men over 45 who are actively in the dating marketplace are divorced, okay? And then I want to talk about the dating marketplace, because unlike in our, remember I said earlier about being surrounded by single eligible people, well, the reality is these days, especially with many people who work from home or are in a work environment where it's inappropriate to actively date, unless you're physically outside and, again, surrounded by single eligible people, it's going to be rather complicated to meet people. The reality is you have to be seen to be asked out on a date, okay? Let's just, you know, I mean, I know many of you are like, why aren't men asking me out? Why aren't men approaching me? Well, a couple things. First off, if you're not in an environment where you can be seen, they don't know you exist. And I mean, we've got to really accept this reality. You have to be seen to be asked out on a date. And secondly, you have, I mean, in reality, you have to be most likely presenting your best self to be seen by the man you want who is in his best self. So how does that work in your daily life? Ask yourself, you know. Are you meeting men at the gym? Well, you might be, okay, and when I say your best self, it doesn't mean you have to be dressed up as your best self. What I mean to say is if you have to create some interaction to be seen in the organic way, you're out in the real world, okay? So these days, we are meeting people through our devices. Online dating, swipe dating is the number one place to meet single eligible people, just like the person on the post that wrote, she's communicating with several men at the same time. Okay, now we've established that. So let's talk about, let's talk first about the latter part of her question. Is she speaking to several men at the same time? But she'd like to concentrate on one person. That's not a good strategy because here's the thing, you could be communicating with someone through your device and yet they might string you along. They might be, they may not be, now here's the thing, if they live far away, the reality is you're not going to be able to meet them in a short period of time. So I'd highly recommend communicating with people that you could physically meet in a short period of time. And what I mean by short period of time within one to three weeks of the initial connection. Communicating with several people at a time might feel exhausting, might be frustrating, might be overwhelming. However, if you truly want a life partner, ask yourself, and let's, Esther Perrell says, the quality of our life is predicated by the quality of our relationship. So finding a healthy life partner if it's you're like me, it's one of your highest priorities. As many of you focus it on it, once I have a life partner, it'll be one of my highest priorities because I know many of you, your children are your priority, your professional life are your priority. And then if you have a mate, you would make them a priority. So until you have a mate, I would suggest making the effort to meet someone, one of your highest priorities. That means investing 10, 20, 30 minutes a day, texting, communicating, actually physically going out on dates over the course of, you know, in the course of a week, making time for that, putting that on your calendar, making that a priority. Many of you hate the idea of it right now. I probably have lost you. However, if you want to end up like someone like Marie and I, who met through an online dating environment, that's what we did. We invested this time as a priority, which includes communicating with several people at the same time until someone pops up to the top, okay? Now, let's talk about dating multiple people at the same time. I'm a big proponent of dating one person at a time, but let's define a date, okay? When you meet someone for the first time, whom you know very little about, in other words, they weren't in your real life, your organic life. That's not a date. That's a meet and greet. You're meeting for the first time. We call those the sniff test. You sniff around to see, just like dog sniff butts, to see if there's mutual interest, okay? So the first date is not a date. It's a meet and greet, okay? If you've gone through a meet and greet with one person, and they've initiated a date within the next week or so, I would say within the next week to 10 days at the most, okay? In real, extenuating circumstances. If a guy likes you, and he's serious about a relationship, again, those growers and builders, they're going to want to initiate a date with you fairly quickly, okay? So now you've met them on a first date, you've had a second date, excuse me, you've had a meet and greet, you've had a first date, okay? Now moving into the next space is you have to pay attention. Is he leading through lust? Is he leading through sex? Is that his primary energy focused on that? Which happens in many cases, because we men are driven by our testosterone, we're driven by our hormones, that could be the case. You have to ascertain, is he genuinely trying to get to know me? Is he asking deeper questions? Many of you know, you've watched my videos where I talk about the Seinfeld joke. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Is he asking deeper questions when you ask deeper questions like what I teach in my private coaching? Is he responding in a way that's also creating some depth and intimacy with one another, okay? So now you've had your meet and greet, you've had your first date, and he initiates a second date, and he's expressed interest in you. Here's where it gets tricky. When are you going to have time to date multiple people? And the other thing is, it's a very defensive perspective just like what our member said. It's not a healthy energy to be putting out because you're operating from defense instead of offense. So I'm here to encourage, look it, you could take yourself off the dating market for three weeks as you get to know one person. That's all I'm asking for is three weeks while you get to know a person. You could, now, would you do it after the meet and greet? Would you do it after the first date? No, but if you've got a second date with someone and the second date goes well and he's initiated, excuse me, you've had a meet and greet, you've had a first date, you've had a second date, and he initiates the third date. So this is four encounters. This is the time to say, you know what, I'm sorry, I want to rewind for a second. This is the time to invest in this person for three weeks. Take yourself off the marketplace. By the way, you don't have to make a big deal you're taking yourself off the marketplace but you're literally not going to engage in others to really ascertain if he's worth making the investment. Now one of the things you ladies do is you're terrible at picking men. You're terrible at detaching from the outcome. If you are attached to an outcome with one person, you're being properly in the wrong person. This is where dating coaching makes a difference. Having a confidant, someone like me, I'm your big brother, if I could be there on a first date and I'd have a shotgun and I'd point at the guy's face, I'd say, what's your intentions? Well, this is your job that if it starts getting a bit amorous where there's a mutual attraction, there's some chemistry going on, there's some lust going on, then you set the rules of engagement. It's establishing your standard of what you seek and getting the buy-in that he agrees to this standard. Now, I know many of you are saying, but Jonathan, I'm in a long distance relationship, it's hard to do this. Let me just tell you something. It is going to be a 10,000 fold harder to build real trust, to build real intimacy and intuition. That's why, if you're going to do that, you better have a plan or you choose to date people in your proximity because proximity breeds continuity. What is continuity? Continuity is building the deep roots of trust with one another and trust isn't just about fidelity, trust is, does this person have my best interest at hand? To just get to know someone barely, it takes about 100 hours of face-to-face time to build the first layer of trust. That's what I always say and it takes about 200 hours of face-to-face time just to build a good friendship. 200 hours. Does that mean you wait 200 hours to have sex? No, it doesn't mean that at all. Does it mean you wait 100 hours of face-to-face time to build, to have sex? No, it doesn't mean that. You don't have sex whenever you want. I'm just here to encourage you be physically intimate with someone who you trust and be careful about trust, especially if you have a dependent needy personality because he might be saying all the right things to make you feel safe. In other words, love bombing you or exaggerating his feelings towards you and then you're hooked only to find out he's not capable of being in a relationship. Alright, I went off on a tangent. Let's come back to the original question. Should I date more than one person at a time? Well, first off, you can do whatever you want. I'm here to say if after you've had a meet-and-greet first date, second date by the time you get to the third date I'd invest in one person at a time. And by the way, you would hope he would do the same thing with you because if he's duty dating, if he's circular dating if he's cluster dating it really sucks because if you're duty dating, he's duty dating you're all over the map. It's going to be difficult for two people to build real trust with one another. Let me just share this with you. When a man likes you and he finds out you're dating others he may lose interest quickly. I was watching an old 1950s high school clip about people that dated multiple men at the same time. He thought she was easy or the men thought she was easy and they dismissed her. By the way, men appreciate exclusivity just as you might appreciate exclusivity. So be careful of duty dating cluster dating, circular dating because you may not make enough time for the person who is a grower and builder and he loses interest quickly. Let me just say something ladies you're not all that perfect where a guy is just hooked on the first or second date. It takes time to build trust with one another and if you're doing it with multiple people if you're spreading yourself then it's going to be problematic. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Alright, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this please post a comment below if this resonated with you. As always, if you find value in the group please tell your friends about Midlife Love Mastery. Send them to my website www.MidlifeLoveMastery.com Have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group and I'm going to sign up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm asking you to turn to someone a pet Teddy Barrett pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.