 My name is Neil Brennan, and these are my corona diaries. Chapter 2. This is my fourth week of quarantining, and it's given me a chance to catch up on porn. I was watching a scene the other day, it was pretty wild. It was an orgy, a dozen men, a dozen women, food, pretty graphic. There was a lot of things being stuck and a lot of other things, and all I could think watching it was... Man, I hope those people wash their hands. Corona virus! Tried watching the COVID Task Force press conference from the White House. It's upsetting. Trump will just pitch anything. Dr. Fauci's like the head of the fire department giving a talk to a bunch of school kids like, okay, in case of fire you're gonna form a single file line and calmly walk down the steps until you get to the ground floor and then you'll walk away from the building. And then Trump just steps in like, you know, you could also just jump off the roof. Have you thought about jumping off the roof? Corona virus! Bernie dropped out. I voted for him in the primary and, you know, the crazy thing about Bernie is, you know, my entire life I've watched politicians on TV talking and thought to myself like, look at this lion motherfucker. Then I watched Bernie talk and be like, dude, lie a little bit. Wearing a mask is such old person advice. Like you went to your grandfather and were like, hey, grandpa, you know, there's an airborne illness. What should I do when he's like, I don't know. We'll wear a mask. What should I do if I get a fever, grandpa? Eat ice. What if I flew it in my lungs? Do a headstand and let it dribble out of your mouth. I've been avoiding showers like a nine-year-old boy. It's starting to take a toll. I've been washing my hands. Easily a dozen times a day, but at a certain point, even my hands were like, dude, do you not smell yourself? Spread this soap around. Fucking allocate some resources. Shit. It's not up to the states. I love when I text my friends and they go, hey, let me know if you need anything. Okay, man. You got any N95 mask and some antibody test? You have any of that? Can you help me with that? I don't know, you have any swabs? No, you don't. Because you'd work at fucking Chipotle, not the Center for Disease Control. A burrito bowl. That's what you can provide me. Get burrito bowl. I don't know what the fuck this coronavirus is about. This is not a cool virus. HIV was kind of a cool virus because you got it from shooting heroin or having unprotected sex. Like, that's cool shit. Whereas with this, it's like, Uncle Neil, how'd you get COVID-19? You're like, you know, Paul from my job, he sneezed on me. So rock and roll. My friend Wendy sent me a mask and I put it on and I looked in the mirror and I didn't like it because it felt like it was making my ear stick out and then I took the mask off. And realized that's just what my ears look like. Can't blame those ears on the mask. Gotta blame those ears on Jesus and Charlie Darwin. This is Charlie Darwin. My name is Neil Brennan, and these are my coronadirates. Chapter two.