 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents transcribe the Phil Harris Hallis Faye Show. For your enjoyment, here is the Phil Harris Hallis Faye Show, written by Ray Singer with Dick Charbelet, with Elliott Lewis, Walter Tetley, Robert North, Janine Roos, and Whitfield, Walter Sharf and his music, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. Today is the one day dedicated to the forgotten man, the American father, and if every father was like Phil Harris, he deserved to be forgotten. More about that later, first the word from RCA Victor. You may think you keep a close check on your money, but do you know how much you have in your pocket right now? Don't look, take a guess. Now go ahead and check. How far off were you, 25 or 30 cents? Well, for as little as that every day, you can buy the finest television there is. RCA Victor, you'd never miss the money. 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Although it isn't commonly known, Phil Harris is an avid horticulturist, and he spends quite a bit of time cultivating flowers. This morning he awoke early and decided to putter around his garden. He's fussing over a flower bed as Elliot Lewis arrives on the scene. Oh gee, I think this should happen to me. Hi, Curly. Oh, Elliot, wait till you hear what happened to me. It's awful. What's the matter, Curly? I've got cut worms in my tuberous begonias. Well, at your age, you've got to expect those things. Look, Elliot, you don't understand. This is a calamity. I've got cut worms in my begonias. Now, what am I going to do? Very simple. Sprinkle some malibun on the Santa Frans. What's a Santa Frans? You figure it out. I'm still working on tuberous begonias. Hey, wait a minute. I know what to do. I've got to stop them before they spread. They're liable to get into my zinnias and pyrocanthus. Oh, you're real nervous today. What are you doing in the garden anyway? Well, I came out to pick some flowers for the house. Today is a festive occasion. It's the most important day in the year for me. Do you know what the day is? The fifth anniversary of the invention of the disposable beer bottle. No, no, it's... Is it five years old? Seems like only yesterday that I used to carry them back to the store and get two cents a piece. All right, Curly, what is today? Today is my day. It's Father's Day. Oh, I thought it was something important. It's all things just a gimmick to get presents from your children. Look, Elliot, there's more to this day than just getting presents. Now, when you have your own children, you'll know how precious they are. Why, they're like flowers. They're like... Well, for example, my two little girls are like these... these tuberous begonias. Why, they got cut worms, too? It must be hereditary. Ain't nothing sacred to you, of course there are. Curly, what'd your kids give you for Father's Day? Well, they didn't give me anything yet. They're cheap skates. They're not cheap. They weren't awake yet when I came out here. Don't worry, my two little flowers have something for me. If they don't, you can plow them under. Look, Elliot, you don't seem to understand. I don't care if my daughters give me presents or not. The thing is the attention and fuss that they make over me on Father's Day. Look, as soon as I pick a few more flowers, we'll go in the house and I'll show you what I mean. You just watch the fuss my children make over me. Where's Daddy? He's outside working in the garden with Uncle Elliot. Where'd you put his presents? Upstairs in the closet. Right next to the present we got for Uncle Elliot. Well, what did you buy Uncle Elliot a present for Father's Day? Well, we felt sorry for him. He doesn't have any children. And besides, he sent us a threatening letter. He's a cute kid. What'd you get for him? Well, we got Uncle Elliot a pair of socks and we got Daddy a beautiful silk robe with his initials on it. Shall we go outside and give him their presents now? No, no. I want you to wait until later. I'm planning a little surprise dinner for Daddy. And I bought him a cake with Happy Father's Day on it and you can give him all his presents at dinner time. Oh, good! I love parties. And I'm going to make it like a real party for you, too. You girls were so thoughtful buying a present for your Daddy that I bought you each a present. Alice, Alice, I got you a pair of roller skates and Phyllis, I got you a big teddy bear. Where are they, Mother? Well, I left your packages on the kitchen table, but you can't open them now. You'll have to wait until dinner when we can open all presents together. Now, you two girls run along outside and play. And remember, not a word to your father. Let's keep this a real Father's Day surprise, huh? Okay, Mother. We'll go out now. Hey, hi, Alice. Well, if it isn't my two little daughters standing there waiting for their Daddy on Father's Day with their little outstretched arms full of absolutely nothing. Look, girls, there seems to be something that you've forgotten. You see, today is, uh, well, it's the one day that... You've forgotten, too, huh? Well, as soon as you remember, Daddy, call us. We'll be outside playing. Goodbye! Bye, Daddy! Big fuss they made over you for Father's Day. They didn't even shake your hand. I can't understand it. No presents, either. Nothing. If one of them had at least slipped me a half a bucket of these... I think your children are a couple of ingrates. You're right. After all the things I've done for them... What had you done for them? I'll tell you what I've done for them. I sacrificed my whole life for my children. When I married you, I was studying to be a doctor. But when the children came along, I realized I couldn't make enough money as a surgeon. So I turned in my rubber gloves and became a wine taster for Manichef. Muscatel division. And very few men make sacrifices like that. Did you make more money as a wine taster? No. But somehow I was always happier. Gee, I think of nothing but my kids. Every penny I get my hands on is divided equally between them and San Anita. Do everything for your kids and what do they do? They forget you. Well, if they don't care for me around here, I know what I'll do. I'll run away from home. Don't try to stop me. I'll wrap my clothes in a little bundle, tie them on a stick, hang it on my shoulder and away I go. Buy and have a nice time. Alice, you mean that you would let me go? How can you be so heartless, Alice? You're gonna let this poor 56-year-old tot go out on his own? What will he do with himself at night? I'll thank you, Sam. I'll thank you. Alice, how can the children forget me on Father's Day the one day that... Oh, stop it, Phil. Nobody forgot you. Happy Father's Day, dear. I have a present for you. You have? What is it? A song. Wait till I get the band out of the broom closet and I'll sing it for you. His crop just misses what kisses used to be. This year's new romance doesn't seem to have a chance, even held by Mr. Moon above. His crop of kisses is not for me, for I'm still wearing last year's crop. His crop of kisses don't seem as sweet to me. It can't be explained that this year's crop just misses what kisses used to be. Doesn't seem to have a chance, even held by Mr. Moon. His crop of kisses is not for me, for I'm still wearing last year's crop. Alice, that was the nicest Father's Day present I ever received. Of course, it ain't what I had in mind. Well, I thought the kids would get me something. Oh, Phil, I may as well tell you, they did get you something. Oh, they did? Ha, ha, ha. I knew they wouldn't forget their cute little curly-headed daddy. They got a present for you, too, Elliot. Oh, they did? I knew they wouldn't forget my cute little poison pen letter. Well, they'll stand their house. Where's my present? Oh, man, I can't wait to see mine, too. Where are the house? Oh, now, wait a minute. You'll see them later. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going upstairs and finish making the beds. Now, if you happen to see the presents, keep your hands off of them. Better yet, don't go snooping around looking for them now. Oh, we wouldn't think of doing a thing like that. Would we, Elliot? Elliot, where are you? Under the sofa, looking for my present. What's the matter with you? Alice told us not to look for the presents, and we shouldn't. I'll come out from under the sofa. All right, I'll come out. You better give me a hand, Curly. Curly, where are you? In the fireplace. Sometimes they hide them up in the chimney. No, nothing up here. There must be some place around here. Where would kids hide presents? Wait a minute, wait a minute. I know, I know. The build-in wood box there. No, there's nothing in here. Curly, it's empty. No, no, I mean in the back of the box. Look, see that small opening? Yeah. The kids are always crawling in there. They use it for hiding places, secret cave. Good. Let's crawl in and get the presents. Uh-uh, that's impossible. Why? That opening's too narrow for either one of us to get in there. Shoulders are too broad. Now, if we had a skinny guy to get in there and we could go- Good morning, Phillip. Phillip, there ain't no shoulders faying. The human pipe cleaner. 98 pounds of nothing. Yeah, he should fit fine. What are you fellas doing at the wood box? My kids hid my father's day present in the back of the wall, and we're too big to get in there, and we thought that, well, that maybe you'd crawl in there force. Well, why should I crawl in there and get your present? Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute, Jesus, stupid. I forgot to tell you, they got a present in there for you, too. Oh, isn't that sweet of them. Well, of course I'll go in. Just step aside. Oh, oh, I don't think I can make it. That opening is 12 inches wide, and my shoulders are too broad. They won't be when you take your coat off. Come on, let's have it. Very well. I'll take it off. Atta boy, where do you go? I'm right here. Wow, look at that built. Hey, his shoulders stick out almost as far as his ears. Hey, don't let him kid you, Willie. Come on, crawl through there now and get them presents. Oh, all right, tight squeeze. Don't worry, you're going to make it. All you need is a little push. There you go. Okay, Willie, hand out the presents. There's nothing in here. Now, how do you like that? We go through all this trouble and there ain't nothing in there. Well, Curly, where else would the kids hide the presents? I don't know. Fellows, I'm stuck. I can't, I can't get out. Let me think now. Now, where could them presents be? Please help me. I tell you, I'm stuck. Will you be quiet? I'm trying to think. Hey, Curly, do you think the kids might have hidden the presents in another room? Fellows, please do something. I'm stuck in here and I can't get out. I tell you, I can't get out. Purge it. Come on, Curly, let's go in the other room. I can't think with all this noise going on. Hey, Elliot, do you think we ought to leave Willie in the wall? Why not? We got no further use for him. True. But I get, no, look, we better get him out of there. Look, let's go out in the garage and get a saw and we can make that hole a little bit. Come on, Elliot, let's go through the kitchen. I don't see why we have to waste our time on him. I'm anxious to see my present. Hey, Curly, on the kitchen table there, what do you see? A cake with Happy Father's Day on it. Yeah, but what do you see right next to it? Two gift wrapped packages? A big one and a small one? I hope you'll get something nice in your small one. You know something, I bet you're right. Why? The small one has got to be for me because the kids probably got me the pipe I wanted. Well, why guess, Curly? Let's open them and see. Okay, we'll... No, Elliot, we can't do this. It's cheating. Let's wait until the children give them to us. After all the trouble we went through to find them, let's open them. No, now, I tell you, you can't open the packages. We promised, Alice, we'd keep our hands off of them. All right, we'll keep our hands off of them. You hold them steady with your feet and I'll bite them open. That wouldn't be cheating. Let's get started. I'll hold the packages with my feet and you start nibbling on the string. Okay, Curly. That got it. Now to see what's in my package. I can't wait to see what my little girls bought me this. What'd you get, Curly? They're roller skates. They must be after my insurance money. I'll break my neck on these things. What did they get you? A wind-up teddy bear. Your present's better than mine. Why is a teddy bear better than roller skates? Well, you can take yours to bed with you. I have to take mine off at night. Alice don't like cold wheels on her back. I think your kids are a couple of wise brownies. What kind of presents are these? I guess the kids are getting back at me. For their birthdays, I gave each of them one of my records. Which record? Oh, I don't remember. Nobody ever plays my record around here. Let's spin it and see what happens. More than any guy in this whole town can afford I got a big electric fan to keep me cool when I sleep A mattress stuffed with dollar bills to tickle my feet My motto is beat'em and cheat'em and love'em and leave'em and break'em and ride I just called up to tell you that I'm rugged but right My house was built with pawn shop tickets red, white and blue My suits are made of tiger skins right out of the zoo I got a lot of money in the bank, I made it myself The hearts of all my girlfriends lying right on the shelf The gals all stop and whistle every time I go by But I'm pretty darn particular, I'm telling no lie I'm in there wheeling and dealing and really appealing and high as a kite Come on, let's fly together cause I'm rugged but right I just called up to tell you that I'm rugged but fair You caused me plenty of worry, put this gray in my hair You got the lips that sunk the ships of England, France and Peru I'm just like Napoleon cause you're my Waterloo I'd like a 15 minute animation in you 48 Love to make it longer but I've got a late date My morals have always been gone with the wind so let's breeze it tonight I just called up to tell you that I'm rugged but right Do it cause I really overdue it last night How'd you like that? Shhh, quiet girl. What's the matter? You're singing put my teddy bear to sleep And I don't want to wake you. Oh, be quiet. I won't be quiet Your daughter's giving me a teddy bear. I don't think it's a funny guy Elliot, it's not supposed to be a gag. You don't understand children It's their way of expressing their emotions Oh, they're crazy mixed up kids Elliot, don't you get it? Look, I haven't been playing with my children for a long time and they gave me roller skates as a hint When they go roller skating, they want me to go with them Now explain the bear they gave me Well, that's a little more difficult But I'll have a go at it Wait a minute, I believe I got it You see, the girls feel sorry for you You don't have any children of your own You're all alone So they've bought you a teddy bear to play with I got news for you. I ain't gonna play with it Why don't you just try it? You might like it Well, one thing, if my kids want me to skate with them, I'm gonna skate with them And I... Hey, look here This linoleum, that's a wonderful place to practice I'll just take the skates out of the box and put them on Gee, mom, they're ball bearing Girl, you can go along with this if you want, but not me When I see your kids, I'm gonna tell them what I think of their cockeyed teddy bear You're not gonna tell them nothing They're gonna let you hurt their feelings When the kids come in, you're gonna be playing with them Oh, sure, sure I'll wind it up like this, and then we'll dance around the kitchen floor Come along, widder teddy We're going to dance Careful, dear, don't slip on a linoleum Or you're dirty with a brown coat Come on, kid, there's nothing wrong with me Julia, she happens to be a little bear Just listen for one minute, that happens to be a teddy bear He's dancing with a teddy bear? My roller skates? Ooh, we got a kitchen full of them today Look, kid, will you just be quiet? Now, give me a hand I want to stand up on these skates, and I'm a little unsteady Okay, I'll see Daisy Wait a minute, Julius, don't let go of me I haven't been on these things since I was a kid In fact, I've forgotten how to skate Hey, how'd you get going? That's easy, I'll help you That's the direction I want you to go Then I'll get back here and give you a nice b- Julius, help, I can't stop myself Hey, look out, Curly, you're hitting my head This cabinet, no, but you put too much English on I mean, you banked them off the sink Wait for me, you little think-it, that's a small think Well, if you help me up, what happened anyway? I'm not sure, it happened so fast You were standing on your skates like you are now Julius got in back of you, and he gave you a shove, like this There we go Help me, help me, help me You see, I need some help At least this fall was a little softer than the last one I landed on something soft and squishy What'd I sit on anyway? Oh, no, what happened to my cake? Turn it on, Mr. Harrison, show us What did you do? Honey, I put the skates on, the kids gave me for Father's Day The skates? Fill the skates up for Alice I have the presents the children bought you and Elliot right here I was going to put them on the- Oh, I might have known that the kids didn't give me any skates Alice, give me my present Yeah, let me have mine too, I can't wait to see what the kids got me Don't grab Hey, look what the kids gave me, a beautiful silk robe What'd they give you, Curly? 35 cent pericotton socks With clocks yet That's better off with the roller skates I'm happy with my silk robe I can't understand Just a minute, Elliot, you've got the packages mixed up The robe is for Phil Can't be for him, it's got my initials on it Let me see that robe I thought so, those initials are pH That's right, Pele is Pueas Alice and Phil will be back in just a moment Will you get that, dear? Yeah, honey Is this the Harris residence? Yeah, but I don't want to buy a thing, there's not a thing we need My wife and I just ordered an RCA room air conditioner for the kitchen And we don't need any brooms to sweep Because the RCA room air conditioner helps us keep the place free of dust and grime We don't need any fans because the RCA room air conditioner keeps us cool Let me finish now You salesmen never give the other guy a chance to talk Look, buddy, when I get through with you You'll go down to your dealers and get an RCA room air conditioner yourself Sir, if you let me explain Phil, there's the air, cools it, makes it moisture free Makes you feel better in the summertime, sleep better at night, live better all year round And besides you can have it installed and serviced by a skilled RCA service company technician Mr. Harris, that's me Now if you'll step aside, we'll install your new RCA room air conditioner Ain't that murder, you can't tell some guy's nothing This is Phil again, reminding you that nine out of ten forest fires can be prevented Because ninety percent of forest fires are man-caused So don't be a innocent fire bug, be careful with fire in our forests Thanks everyone, and good night Good night everybody The part of Julius in this program transcribed was played by Walter Tetley RCA Victor's new super personal portable radio is no bigger than a book No heavier than a lady's handbag Yet it plays up to ten times longer than previous RCA Victor portables its size Without changing batteries The secret behind these extra listening hours is remarkable new RCA batteries The battery lifesaver switch can add even more hours See and try RCA Victor's super personal portable radio at your dealers now Next tier best plays on NBC, the national broadcasting company