 Given that men have sex on the brain, and sex is part of the decision-making process when it comes to committing in a relationship, I thought I would jump into the arena and have this conversation for everyone. Given that in my video yesterday, my live stream yesterday, the comment came up about men and erectile dysfunction and their inability to have sex. And I was incredibly disappointed at how many women were throwing men under the bus when it came to this conversation. So I wanted to jump in and talk about this. Now, what I'm gonna talk about comes from the book Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman, not the three secrets men obsess about. And we will talk about what men consider great sex, but we're gonna talk about this particular book. Eight Dates is a great book to get some assembly and some awareness of what the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship looks like. And this book has already put together a lot of questions you may want to consider either prior to dating someone or during dating someone, or if you're in a relationship with someone, I highly recommend reading this. But I wanna read the chapter on sex. It's the last two pages in this book. And it says, romantic intimate rituals for connection to keep a relationship happy and passionate. Given that the most common reason for divorce, I think the number one reason is a lack of physical and emotional intimacy. I think money problems, money issues are number two. So if we know this going in, if we know that sex is one of the reasons why people get divorced, then why would we go into the dating environment not having some greater awareness around this subject and having more consciousness around this? You know, isn't it fascinating that roughly 50% of all first marriages fail here in the United States and something like 65 to 75% of second and third marriages fail? So wouldn't you wanna know why things fail and be prepared ahead of time? But no, Jonathan, I'm just supposed to be clueless because magic fairy dust of love solves all the problems because love, you know, with love, we can just solve every single problem. By the way, that narrative, that myth is the reason why many of you are still single. So as I read on, this was fascinating to me. It says couples who can talk openly about sex have more sex and women have more orgasm. So for the men listening here, having deeper conversations about sex, having more intimate conversation about sex actually opens up your partner to have better orgasms. For the men listening, you should be reading this and for the women listening to this, you should incorporate these conversations in the early stages of getting to know someone. Talking about sex is difficult for the majority of couples, but it gets easier and more comfortable over time and the more you do it. I'm here to say the minute two people begin a physically intimate relationship, that's the time to make sure sex is part of, in other words, conversations about your sex life, you see most humans bury their head in the sand, they bury their head under the rug because it's so, because I reckon folks, listen, I get it, having intimate conversations requires being vulnerable. It requires being authentic and it requires being transparent. And for many of you, that's the scariest thing on the planet. For many of you, it's because you're lacking a sense of self-love because when you genuinely feel, when you genuinely love yourself and you feel empowered, you're more apt to dive deeper into intimacy. And if you haven't done the work, I talk about the book, The Hoffman Process. This is a great book to do a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and adult traumas so you can actually lean into this conversation a bit more intently, okay? Does this make sense, everyone? By the way, somebody said they're having a problem with the audio, so I'm just gonna check the audio real quick and it looks like on my end it's working. By the way, you obviously can, most of you can hear me. Okay, let's keep going with this book. The best time to talk about sex is not when you're making love but outside the bedroom. I mean, kind of obvious, right? Tell your partner what you like and what feels good, not what they're doing wrong. Let me repeat that, tell your partner what you like and what feels good, not telling them what they're wrong. 80% of married couples have sex a few times a month or more, whatever frequency is comfortable or two of you is normal. Married couples have more sex than couples who are dating or living together. Now that one I'm not sure I agree with, okay? I think the Gottmans might be a little bit too old. We need a younger version of this but I just don't believe that to be the case but I could be wrong. The top sex and passion killers in relationship, lack of physical affection, flirting, intimate connection apart from sex, having a to-do list that was undone. This is where women, if you guys have a to-do list that's a killer to sex. Emotional distance and intense conflict are passion killers. Lack of safety, either emotional or physical, exhausted and stressed out, feeling unappreciated. Okay, this is from the book Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. So I wanna address the elephant in the room for those of us in midlife, okay? This is the elephant in the room, okay? A lot of men are crappy lovers. There, I said it, a lot of men are crappy lovers. A lot of men are selfish lovers. A lot of men are bad at oral sex or worse, they don't give oral sex. And of course, ED issues as we age, okay? So in my video the other day, oh my God, you women were throwing men under the bus. Like how dare he need a blue pill? If I can't excite him enough, then he doesn't deserve me. I mean, I heard red shit like that. By the way, ladies, you take estrogen, you take lube. So any judgment because men need, and by the way, I use a blue pill, I'm owning it. I wished I didn't have to. I really wished I didn't have to. My body isn't what it was like in our 20s and neither are yours. So this judge, and by the way, ladies, you need lube. Some of you women just lay there. You're hard to please, you're hard to please, you're hard to please, you're jaded about sex. And God forbid masturbation for both men and women. You know, when you masturbate too much, it's difficult to be aroused when you're actually in an intimate relationship. So I'm here to say, folks, we reason why I'm doing this video is I was so sorely disappointed, so disappointed at the judgment regarding men. Folks, let me just tell you judgment is the relationship killer of, let me reframe that. For those of you who are single who want a juicy, delicious, happy relationship, it's a relationship killer. It will ruin any chances for a relationship. It's imperative that we humans let go of our judgments around the opposite sex. We let go of that anger, that resentment, that bitterness and jadedness. And look, most, listen, I said it, most men are crappy lovers, but it doesn't make you guys any better at it either. You'll give up on oral sex, you won't give oral sex and some men want that. So this is where it's time to grow up, particularly in the sex conversation. And I am here to encourage having deeper, if you're beginning a physical intimate relationship with a person, then buy the books that talk about sex because this might be the glue that keeps the relationship together when you're having some friction, when you're having some doubts, when you're having some uncertainty. Creating an awesome sex life together is imperative. And by the way, men need to be equally invested as you women need to be equally invested. It's not a lopsided teeter-totter, okay? I'm here to say a healthy relationship is when two people begin to have more difficult conversations. If you haven't read the book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend checking this out. Why? Because many of you don't really know what true emotional intimacy is. Listen, ladies, you guys think just because you can vomit your feelings doesn't mean you're experts at expressing yourself. And by the way, we already know men are crappy at expressing their feelings. Why do you think there are more titles on YouTube about emotionally unavailable men or as my friend Elisa called it, emotionally constipated men? So I'm here to say, if you really want a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship, then we have to, you gotta let go of this, okay? The duct tape over your mouth. The duct tape, that makes you afraid to speak up. I'm here to encourage you. And just like our guest the other day that came on in the video yesterday where she said, Jonathan speaking up has changed everything for me. Folks, in my book, by the way, there's a cop. You can get a copy of the book, all the books I recommend. In my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help and Spiritual Work. Chapter one is Speak Your Truth. Just do it in a kind way. See, most humans don't know how to articulate themselves. And it's one of the reasons why I habitually recommend this book, Non-Violent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, okay? It's different, you know, let's face it, having difficult conversations, particularly when it comes to sex is challenging. I get that. But listen, if we don't have these conversations, how are you ever going to grow in your relationship given that there's a good chance it will fail because physical and emotional intimacy is the primary reason why relationships fail. They don't build a strong enough heart connection with their partner, which actually makes for better sex. Okay, the title of this is Three Secrets Men Obsess Over. Look it, this is just off the fly. I came up with these three things. Maybe these are three things Jonathan likes, but I'm just gonna share it with you. But that's not the point. The real point that I wanna make here. It doesn't matter what he obsesses over or what you obsess over. What matters most, what matters most is having conversations. Okay, these three secrets don't matter as much as having deeper conversations. Find out what each other wants in the bedroom and make time to explore what each other wants. But if you're operating from a place of fear talking about this, then your chances for a relationship success drop dramatically. And you have a 75% failure rate for those of us at midlife. So let's put the odds in your favor by having deeper conversations sooner rather than later. Okay, the three secrets men obsess over, number one, most men want sex at their timetable. Let's face it, it's true. Men wanna have sex when men don't wanna have sex, okay? You ladies know that and believe me, we don't like it when it's on your timetable, we want it on our timetable. It doesn't make it right, it's just what we obsess about. We wanna have sex at our timetable. One of the people that was commenting just said, what do you think about tantra? I'll get to that in a moment, okay? Number two, most men, most men, and I said everything is a little bit, I'm saying most men here. I can't say it for all men, I can't generalize, but to the extent that every man feels this way, but most men wanna blow job to completion, okay? Now I know some of you are going, but Jonathan, he doesn't ejaculate, I get it. I get it, this is the frustrating shit that happens in midlife, the really sucky thing that happens in midlife. You know, I think masturbation for both men and women has made it incredibly difficult to actually orgasm with a partner. I think, and let's include pornography in that too. And I know I just opened up a can of worms by talking about pornography, but I think women using vibrators makes them less sensitive to a man's penis, and I think a man using a gorilla grip to get himself off makes it much harder for him to actually get off from a woman. These are some of the challenges we're faced with. I think people should be cold turkey on vibrators and masturbating when they're in a relationship, if they're having regular sex, so you can become accustomed to each other's body. I'm not an expert here, maybe I'll have a sex expert on some time. These are just my observations. I can't say that I'm speaking from any authority here, just purely my anecdotal observations on this subject, okay? But yet most men want low jobs to completion, just like you want oral sex, and he gets you off. Let's face it, we're selfish beings, particularly when you're receiving oral sex, because it's the one time you can absolutely surrender. And it really sucks when it doesn't end in baboom or fireworks or whatnot, okay? And by the way, I get it for a lot of you women, you could be going down at it for an hour and still not get them off, I get that, okay? And number three, secrets men obsess over. Most men want to know they pleased you. Let's face it, we have our ego involved in here. Now I know a lot of men only care about their ejaculation, so I get how frustrating it is for many of you. But for the most part, most men have an ego and we want to know you orgasm. And I think it is so bullshit to fake an orgasm. I really do believe, I know, listen, the movie men Harry Met Sally when she does the fake orgasm scene, I just think that's fucked. I think that's bad karma. I think you're out of integrity when you fake an orgasm. That's just my opinion, okay? I'm sure women have done it to me. I don't know, I never asked, but I will say I just believe it's out of integrity and I think it's bad karma too. So anyway, the three things men obsess over. They want sex at their timetable. I think that's pretty obvious. They want blow jobs to completion, but we know you want oral sex to completion. And lastly, you want it, and by the way, you want men want to know that they pleased you, just like you want to know you pleased him. You know, sex is a very uncomfortable conversation for many people. I've said this, I've entertained you with this broadcast with a little bit of levity. I invite you to share my videos with the men you're dating. I know a lot of women watch my videos with the men that they're in relationship with because I'm an equal opportunity judge of both genders. You guys are, we human beings are nut jobs, but what's worse is we're afraid to be our authentic self with someone because we're afraid we'll hurt someone's feelings or worse. They'll leave us just when we share our truth. And our truth is simply merely our thoughts. They're not the reality. You know, the thing is a thought is just a thought. A feeling is just a feeling. And sometimes we make them out to be way more than they need to be. But anyway, those are just my rough thoughts on what men consider great sex. I hope I've enlightened you today. I hope I provided value. I'd love to hear your thoughts on what I shared. Please post a comment below. I do my best to read all the comments in the first 24 hours. Also, if you liked what I had to share if this resonated with you, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Hit that notification bell as well. And in the first comment below and in the show notes, you can schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. You can join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. You can follow me on Instagram. You can get my dating vows. And you can get all the Jonathan books recommended. It'll take you to a PDF to take you to all the books I recommend. All right, those who know my format, no, it's time for Q&A. If you have a question, write the word question and then post the question there after. Or you can purchase the Super Sticker Super Chat. There's a little dollar sign in the chat box. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there in a little woody outfit. It's my son who passed away over five and a half years ago and in his honor, we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and scholarships to coaching as well. And if you're watching the replay you can hit the super thanks. Also, if you wanna be brave and join the hot seat meaning you get to ask me a question directly, I've just provided a link to join the hot seat. All right, Gigi just posted a question. And by the way, our goal tonight is $50, $50, okay? Question, if a woman agrees to sex on a man's timetable is that the same as accepting the relationship on his terms? No, you can establish your own terms on the relationship. I just think that men traditionally, I hear a lot of women, a lot of women have an unfinished to-do list in their head is from what I've heard and I've witnessed and that seems to supersede our desire to being physically intimate. I think couples should continually schedule regular time in their day planner, if you will, for physical intimacy. It should be a regular part of their relationship. Then it's not on our timetable. It's a we thing and not a me thing. Let me repeat that. It's a we thing and not a me thing. But Jonathan, I'm in long distance relationship and we don't have sex. Folks, you guys that have dysfunctional types of relationships where you hardly spend time with one another, it's going to be incredibly difficult to build the deep roots of trust, particularly in the physical intimacy arena. So anyway, I just want to put that in your consciousness. Karen says, I will not swallow without knowing 100% trust with them, Lord. I give oral but to the ejaculation, Jonathan, is that a must? I recognize every person is different. You have to do what's right for you. I get it, but it may be not right for him. Talk about it, have a conversation, find out what's right for both of you. That's my invitation for you, okay? Laurie White says, how can you say men want sex on their timetable when they say women are the gatekeepers of sex? Okay, what I meant in that comment, listen. Once the gatekeeper sex simply means sex is on you for the first time having sex. After two people agree to a physical relationship, it's usually an agreement that they're going to explore the physical part of the relationship. But yes, women are the gatekeepers of sex and we want it on our timetable. That's just the way men are. But you typically are the ones that say no. Now I recognize a lot of you women have experienced men who are lazy when it comes to sex. I recognize a lot of women here are with men who really don't like sex that much or can't have sex or they're not good lovers. I said earlier, a lot of men are crappy lovers, particularly men in midlife, okay? This is what we're dealing with, but sex is an imperative part of a relationship. Success in many cases, it's the downfall. It's the second most common reason for divorce is that there's not a healthy physical and emotional intimate relationship. So again, I'm a big proponent. It's a we conversation, not a me conversation. All right, let's keep going. One of my Facebook member groups, by the way, if you wanna join my private group, there's a link below. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis. I think pornography is harmful. I absolutely agree. I think it decent, particularly men that use it, I think it desensitizes them and I don't think it's healthy. And I think the younger generation, because I grew up with Playboy and Penthouse, but this generation, I mean, the shit that you can get on your phone, holy cow. Yeah, I think it's actually very detrimental. A man recently told me he will fake orgasm. Is that common? Is it a sign of problems? I have spoken to some men who have actually faked orgasm because they had a difficult time ejaculating. They didn't wanna hurt their partner's feelings. And so, yes, to the extent that it's common, it's common enough that, yes, it happens. Is it a majority? I don't think so, but as we age, this is the tricky part of midlife. As we age, our equipment doesn't work as well. We don't ejaculate like we want to. Women, you guys are on certain medications, making it more difficult for you to have an orgasm. This is like the really serious shit that very few couples have these deep conversations. So, yes, I have heard that. I am aware of that. All right, let's keep going. Gina's in the house. By the way, if you wanna join the hot seat, there's a link right here. Join me live, it'll be fun. Hi, is a man watching too much porn while in relationship a deal breaker? I've been told in the past that I'm just not letting him be a man, and it chill out. You have to do what's right for you. I don't believe watching a lot of porn for man is healthy. I think definitely maybe once a week, maybe if we, I'm just making up a arbitrary number here is one thing, but if you're watching it every day and masturbating, you're going to desensitize yourself to your partner, and it creates an unhealthy fantasy. I am sure there are study after study and study after there. You have to ask yourself, is that a deal breaker for you? I know men can rationalize. A lot of men can rationalize their habit, but it's an addiction, okay? And they can come up, they can rationalize it, okay? Why it's okay for them, but if it's not part of a healthy relationship, then I don't see the necessity of it, okay? Hey, we just had someone join our membership group here, at least our member here on YouTube, so thank you so much, appreciate that. And Kara Bishop says, I agree the porn unhealthy, yes. Billy Holt is in the house. How to put the fire under a man's ass for more sex. Suggest you'll have sex with other men. I mean, I'm pretty territorial. I mean, I don't know. I mean, I think men are territorial, so I mean, and not that you should threaten that. I'm being a little tongue-in-cheek. You know, you can just simply say to your partner, you know, Tim, you know, having a healthy sex life is important to me. And I would like to find ways to increase the amount of sex that we have in our relationship so we can have mutual satisfaction. Is that something that we can talk about to strengthen our relationship and offer the conversation and see how he responds? Would be just kind of a rough shot of way of answering that, Billy. Thank you so much for that question. All right, Julie's in the house. I'm 51 and still love to have sex. I have male friends that their wives don't want it. Is it normal for females around my age? You know, it's interesting. I think with married couples, see, one of the benefits of being single in midlife is usually it's a resurgence of sex, okay? Because I know a lot of couples, okay? Who have been married 20 or 30 years and they don't have sex anymore. I just, I know those couples. And those of us are single. I mean, maybe we don't get it as often as we like, you know, if we're not doing one night stands or friends with benefits, but the best part of a new relationship is coupling. Ha, ha, ha, ha. So, yeah, no, it's, I think, I know women in their 60s to still have a high libido. I do happen to know couples that have been married 50 plus years and still have sex regularly as part of their relationship. So anyway, hey, we've got someone brave enough to be in the hot seat. We've got G. Hello, talk. Hi. Hi. No, I want to talk about like sex and everything. Like I was in a relationship for seven years. Okay. I was with you, what did you do for seven years? I can barely hear you. Speak clearly. I know it's weird because I'm hearing an echo. I don't know how to talk. Oh, because you're watching the video. You should just be strictly on this app. Just simply be on the app that I sent you. If I turn it off and then go right. All right, I can hear you now. So keep talking. Okay. Okay, I turned the other one off now. Okay, good. Now keep talking. So you were in a relationship for seven years and what happened? We had sex every day. And then at the end of the relationship, I was kind of a bit controlling, I guess. So my boyfriend withheld sex for me to control me. Like that was his only way to control me was telling me no. And it was like once every four months. And I mean, I begged him, I pleaded with him. And finally I broke up. And I mean, I felt so much better. It was like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Then I got married. I was married for like 23 years. My husband died like about nine years ago. Let me come back. When you were talking about earlier, was this someone in your 20s? Yeah, I was 21 when I first came. Okay, you were 21 and age. And it was a seven year relationship with a younger person. No, he was actually older. He was actually maybe seven years older than I was. Okay, seven years older. So he was late 20s, your early 20s. You were together seven years. You initially you were controlling that he used sex to control you. Okay, then you got married. Okay, so keep going. I was married for 23 years. Okay. And my husband, like he's been dead like nine years, but he never was really into sex. Like he kind of was at first. And then at the end it was like, we had to have sex once a week at a certain time. And it was like, you know, that was it. And it was like, come on, like ask him all the time and he'd be like, no, no, no. And then I feel really bad because at the end I, cause I'd always ask him and I'd always, he'd always tell me, no, no, no. And it was really upsetting. So one day I, you know, Did you ever ask him if you could take on a lover? Oh no, no, he wouldn't like you that. Just curious. He thought women were like sluts. He didn't have a high opinion of women. He liked me. So all right. So let's get to where you're at today. So what's your question? Well, I'm just saying what happened was with him. I told him no, like he told me no. And I said, okay, that I got mad. And I said, that's it. I said, I will never ask you to have sex again ever. I go, if you want to have sex, you need to ask me. And then he got cancer and he died two years later. So we didn't have sex for two years. And he never, he never once asked me to have sex. And I didn't ask him, I refuse to. Okay. So what's the, why are you sharing this with me? Well, just, I don't know. Just to say, like, why is it always me? Like men always tell me no. Is it me? Wait, wait, wait. Now you have a whole new question. So you just, now you just threw a curve ball on me. By the way, folks, I just want to demonstrate what's happening here. So when you just said men always say what to you? No. They say, they say no to having sex with you? No, the guys have to. So when you say, are you talking about at your current stage in your life? Currently, no, I have my little fuck friend kind of. So. Okay. So when you say people are saying no, who is saying no to you? Well, before, like, before I had my little fuck friend, like kind of, me and my husband- Okay, so let's just be clear. So you, okay, I want you to be clear here. Are you meeting men online? Is that where you met them? Yes, but- Okay, so you met a man online and he said, no, I don't want to have sex with you. So then were these men, you were dating, you were in a relationship with them? Like I'm trying to get a sense of why they would even- There was a guy I met online and he was kind of like supposed to be a fuck friend, but he, I guess, wanted to be a boyfriend. And he called me every single day. Okay. And he was this guy on the schedule. So every Friday, he was, you know, he came over. Like that was my time was Friday. What's wrong with a man wanting to be a boyfriend and girlfriend, what's wrong with that? Well, it wasn't. I was going to until he pulled the, oh, on Fridays he started, because that was my day of the week he had every day assigned. It was weird. Okay. So my day was Friday. But you were just this Friday girl, okay? Yeah, but he'd be sick, he'd be sick, or he ate something at work, he didn't feel good. By the way, G, you're really, I'm going to be blunt with you. You're not really making much sense. Okay, there's no coherence to this dialogue. So I'm trying to extract from you. What are you seeking help with? What are you seeking help with? Well, he started telling me no to, like he wouldn't want to talk about it. Are you asking, is the question, Jonathan, why would a man say no to me? Is that the question? Yeah, maybe because I make them crazy. I don't know, but. Okay, so, all right. So you just said it, you make them crazy. Why would a man want to be with a woman to make some crazy? Well, I don't know, but. By the way, can you really, wait, wait, time out. Can you really honestly say, wait a minute? I make men crazy. Why would a man not want to be with me if I make him crazy? I mean, if you're actually doing that, no man would want to be with you. Well, they do though. He kept calling me, but it was like, he started saying he was impotent and then he was having. By the way, there's no value. Don't take offense to this, G, but there's really no value in this conversation. You're just vomiting a lot of shit, but you're not asking for help. Yeah, I know. And buddy, now you're passive about, yeah, I know. And recognize there are a lot of people watching you right here, okay? And you're representing a lot of, you're representing women right now and I'm inviting you to step up. If you're just in it for fuck buddies or this or that, then keep playing whatever game you're playing. Oh, no, I didn't. If you want a significant relationship in your life, wait, time out. Do you want a significant relationship in your life? Yes, I do. Okay, then why not look at, and we can't do it today, why not look at your actions and ask yourself, are my actions the way I go about this really conducive to getting the results I seek? Because I doubt they really are the way you're going about things. If you drive men crazy, if you're looking for fuck buddies, if you're having conversations with men that are acting hot and cold all the time, then it's time to change. You change within and that will start to affect your outer world because you're not happy with the world you're in based on what you're sharing with me. Yeah, I mean, I don't know. You can argue for your limitations, you can argue for your limitations or you can make changes in your life. And by the way, I wanna repeat those words, ladies, all of you guys can gaslight yourselves and argue for your limitations, okay? Or you can make changes in your life. Yeah, I guess that's it. I haven't made any changes and I don't- Okay, then that's your invitation. You just got your wake-up call, okay? All right, I've got another caller on, okay, G? It was fun, okay, thanks. All right, thanks for being on the hot seat. Bye. Folks, I just wanna say something. Folks, here's the thing. When you're having a conversation with somebody, okay? It's imperative to be concise, it's imperative to have a sense of direction where you're going, if you just simply wanna- By the way, I say this to you ladies all the time, you act like you're good communicators. You're not necessarily any better at communication than men, okay? Learning how to speak concisely and be directly and have a point instead of just sharing a lot of things, instead of really getting down to the nitty gritty and I'm inviting you all to get to the nitty gritty of what do you really want here? So when you're asking yourself questions, find out what it is I want first and then formulate a question from that vantage point will yield better results. That's just my invitation for you all. Rhonda, I see you there, so I'll get to you in one second, but I wanna take Julie's question. Oh wait, we already had that one, okay? I wanna get Sandy's question. Why do men stop sharing shared activities once sex is introduced in the relationship? Sex then becomes the only shared activity. Well, because for a lot of men, all they care about is sex. Not every man, a lot of men want occasional companionship, occasional connection, occasional sex on their terms, but it doesn't matter what the men want to do. I'm asking you and not that I, I'm inviting you all to get crystal clear on the type of relationship you see. I gotta tell you something, women call me all the time seeking coaching and they all have a fantasy idea of what they want in a relationship. It's up in the clouds. It's nebulous. I get granular. I get so fucking granular for you that you will not accept behavior that doesn't align with you. And I know I'm going off subject here Sandy, but I'm inviting you all. Schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, let me keep going. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. And by the way, I wanna thank G for being brave. Well done. Wait a minute. Someone just wrote something interesting. Sorry, Jonathan, but there's a lot of people watching you too. I don't hear you listening very compassionately. I get, listen, if you want compassionate listening, I'm not that kind of coach. I'm not here to validate behaviors, okay? I'm not that compassionate kind of guy. I'm very compassionate for those that are in my life. But when you're on the hot seat, I'm here to offer help. I'm a tough love kind of guy. I call it, you know, and I'm not necessarily compassionately listening. I'm here to make changes and to wake people up. So I just wanna offer that. Okay, Rhonda, let's get you into the house. Okay, I'm gonna start. How you doing? All right, I'm gonna try to make mine get to the point. Real short, like you said, sit back for real quick. You're not gonna be short, be concise. I'm gonna be concise, I promise. I'm not dating anyone. I'm not sexually active. I want dates, but you know, it's not happening. And I haven't been sexually active for a long time. Okay, my question is, if you say discuss sex when you, you know, getting closer and you think it's better to turn to a relationship, I am afraid to say I have a high sex drive. So how do I tell a man that without him trying to turn it into, what do they call it, phone sex? Okay, so I have a high sex drive. Okay, yay! Yeah, but I mean, you know, I have a high sex drive, yay! Okay, go. I have that without turning phone sex. Okay, first and foremost, I would only engage in conversations with people whom you could actually meet within three weeks of first contact. So if it's a long distance dynamic, you will be setting yourself up for phone sex number one. So have people, and just simply say, if you're engaging in conversation and you're just, think about it, the first phone call is the first date. After the first phone call, you should be meeting people within a week to two weeks at the most. You should physically meet this person. You shouldn't be engaging in a lot of incessant communication over the phone. Okay? So, but to suggest, you know, if you want to... Oh, I lost you. I think you have to build a bit of rapport with somebody before you have that conversation about having a high sex drive. Now, I wouldn't necessarily, so you don't necessarily have to talk about it before you meet, but I would certainly by the, before you become physically intimate, you might share a high sex drive and ask him about a sex drive, or you can simply say, you know, what's your experience when it comes to sex in the dating marketplace? What's your experience? Are you one of those men that you could even be rhetorical? Are you one of those men with a low sex drive? You could be a little bit, kind of a little bit of a jab, a little jab at him. Are you one of those types of men that have a low sex drive? And you could talk about sex with somebody, but I wouldn't do that until you built rapport with somebody, until you've built a little bit of trust. Some people you can build instant trust with, some people you can't. My fear is that I'm gonna scare them away because I don't know, I hate to say this. I could, it doesn't sound terrible. I can have sex seven days a week, but I don't wanna tell a man that I might scare him. He might can only have sex once a week. I don't know what to do. I know you said the truth, but I'm scared. Let me ask you, if you wanna, if you need sex once a week, then be with a guy, 20 or 30 years younger. Okay, okay, I'll help out with that. But if you wanna be in relationship with someone, find, you know, I don't believe couples need to have sex every single day. I know some people do, but I certainly believe a good, healthy sex. If two people are physically in proximity with one another, they should be having, if they physically are seeing each other on average at two or three or four days a week, they should be having sex half, if not more of those times. That's just my opinion. That's simply my opinion. It's not a statement about. Okay, you're there. No, no, no. I just was afraid of how to bring it up. You know, I mean, and I, it seemed like, in my opinion, because we are older. Yeah. That's probably intimidating to most men. That's why I never say it. I never say it. I never say it. I just never say it. I understand. Well, let me know. Okay, so here, I want you to physically, when was the last time you had a first date? December of 2022. That was over a year and a half. It's been a year and a half. Get yourself out there and get a date. Okay, I've been offline. I've been trying to meet organically since July. You're gonna have to get yourself a date. Get some games. I love you. Okay, bye. Bye now. Bye. Bye now. I forgot to give G a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. Very brave of you to come on. I do want to share what Renee said, because it's rather important to what I just shared. And that is, he is concise. And what Jonathan talks about works ladies, we got to know what we want, really want and not settle for less. I am, listen, concise communication. We, you know, like a lot of, and I say this women, you can vomit a lot of information out there, but we can't figure out the kernels in the crap kind of stuff. Learning concise communication, learning how to express yourself, your needs, wants and desires in a concise, healthy way is imperative for a healthy, happy relationship. Okay. And again, I'm not here to suggest that, you know, men are any better at this either. Men are, by the way, just because men think they're logical, don't make them, do not make them any better at communication. And by the way, for the record, I fumble grammatically in my communication when I do these videos because I'm literally going stream of consciousness and I'm going full steam ahead, but I still have the capacity to be somewhat concise when I'm going down certain rabbit holes. So I'm just inviting you all to do the same. All right, Wanda's in the house. Question, can you have a relationship that's great with a man if neither of you care about sex part or you physically can't have sex? Absolutely, absolutely. Many couples can have a non-sexual relationship and still be very rewarding and very satisfying. I just happen to know that it's still, you know, for those of us in midlife, which I say as midlife is after baby-making years and before retirement. So there's still a lot of people in their 40s, 50s, and 60s that want to have regular sex. So I'm speaking to that demographic for sure. By the way, I want to give, G says, thank you, that was fun. You're very welcome, G. Bum, bum, bum, bum. What is this? I got to read this. Ladies, if you knew what all the ladies who make money online and other places from sex, you'd never date anyone. You'd stay off the platforms and you'd also trust next to no men out there. You know, first off, there are a lot of good men out there. There's a lot of men that watch porn. They go to OnlyFans and all that sort of thing. You know, it's kind of a byproduct of our environment today. But at the end of the day, most men are good people, just like most women are good people, in my opinion. Wanda has a repeat question. How old should a guy be if a woman is 59? If she likes younger guys, that's still respectful. I don't know, over the age of consent. That's the, you know, that one you got to decide on your own. One of our Facebook members says, question in midlife, do you have a recommended max or minimum age gap? No, I do not. Again, age of consent. Okay, Barbara says to, it was very uncomfortable with you the way you spoke to Jay, I understood her. She tried to tell you about her prior relationship where men in the beginning wanted sex, but later on didn't. You were harsh. You know, if it seemed like I was harsh, it was because I was having a challenging time understanding where she was going. Okay, here's the thing. I want to invite everyone to begin to operate when they communicate. Especially if you're coming onto a forum like this, actually think of the question you want answered, okay? That way it starts a foundation of where the train track is going. She just started with the train moving. Okay, yeah, I get that she had a man that experienced that. But you see, what you don't recognize, Barbara, is she said she was criticizing men, but she was taking no ownership in her parts. Her words was, I look for fuck buddies and I'm looking for, I make men crazy. See, when humans don't take ownership on their part, it's irrelevant the backstory because we have to take ownership on our part. And that's what I was attempting to do. And of course I did it with a bit of tough love. Okay, because I'm not here to validate, I don't validate behavior that doesn't benefit you. I can certainly appreciate when someone is expressing an emotion or a feeling. I felt, if she had said, I felt really sad when this happened to me when I was younger. Okay, now you've expressed an emotion, a feeling. All she did was make a statement of fact. So I'm not here to defend myself. I'm here to help human beings understand maybe a better way of communicating, a better way of recognizing if you're going to share and if you're gonna share something vulnerable, then share the feeling that's coming up for you. But she didn't do that. All she did was share what was wrong with men and she took no ownership on her part. And at least at the end, I gave her a chance to get there. Okay? Billy Holt says, Barbara and Jonathan's defense, he's probably excited right now. I get, yeah, I get excited. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Aurora said, I sent you a gift. I don't, through the email address on your website in December, I hope you got it. I don't recall seeing your gift. I'm sorry, you might have Aurora, but I didn't see it in your name. All right, Stephanie, Jonathan, as a man, what is your opinion on the most fulfilling kind of sexual experience or does it vary? Does it depend on the moment, the connection, how things are flowing? That's a good question. You know, I'm only gonna speak for myself. I think when I can have a true heart connection with a partner I'm physically intimate with, when I can feel their heart, when they can feel my heart, that is for me, the most gratifying physical intimacy. It's not about, you know, wearing costumes or doing things radical or maybe, you know, I guess maybe, you know, elevator sex might be fun for the story of it, but what matters most for me is when there's a genuine heart connection with another human being. When you can actually just connect with their heart. It's one of the reasons why I like doing psychedelics. It takes us out of our head and into our hearts. So there's a variety of different types of medicines you can use in that capacity. But for the most part, that's what turns me on most if you're asking my own personal opinion. I can't speak for all guys in this particular case. All right, let's keep going. All right, Rachel's in the house. Is it wrong to just be yourself even if you're chasing a guy because I'm just being me? The rules say don't chase or you'll turn them off. You know, okay, think about the word chase. He's running away. I'm chasing him to bring him back, okay? Versus I'm making effort. Is he making effort? I make a little more effort. Is he making effort? If you are making effort, Rachel, and he starts to meet you with that effort, that's absolutely okay. Chasing somebody is, he's okay. He's told you, I don't want a relationship with you but I will have sex with you, okay? But you keep thinking that's called dating. That's chasing, okay? Because you've created a fantasy about this friends with benefits dynamic, okay? That would be an example of chasing. Otherwise, making effort is not chasing. It's just called making effort and this whole bullshit narrative that it shrinks a man's penis. He gets so emasculated when you make effort. That is the most fucking bullshit thing I've ever heard. And if a man's penis was so emasculated because you made effort, then he's a fucking whip and you don't want that guy anyway. And I don't care if he looks like an alpha male. If the alpha males tell you making effort intimidates men, then these are fucking weak ass alpha males. Okay, I got riled up. Lighthouse says I don't think you should take the first. I take everything personally. I've got the thinnest skin on the planet. I can't help it. I'm working on it though. I'm working on it. Stephanie says thank you, great answer. You're very welcome Stephanie, I appreciate that. Jane says sex is fulfilling when you have an orgasm when combined with friendship first and good memories, right? Hell yeah, it's always nice to ejaculate. There's no doubt about that. All right, let's keep going. Sandy says, I love it when you get riled up, John. Thank you, I appreciate that Sandy. Jane says, can you make love with massage, cuddling, pillow talk? I think yes. You know, I don't think enough couples spend enough time cuddling in bed and sharing from their heart. I suspect that a lot of couples don't do that to really connect with your partner. One of the things I did with my previous relationship, I hope I'm not crossing a boundary, but we had spiritual journeys on a regular basis. I won't go into the particulars of it, but it was an opportunity to really connect with our hearts with one another. And very few couples get to a place in their relationship where they're actually just being with another human being. I just mean being without all the rhetoric and all the gender rhetoric and all the stupid advice out there that makes men pit up against women. You know what most humans are thirsty for? Most humans are thirsty for real intimate connection. That's why I recommend reading this book, Emotional Intimacy. And whether you like it or not, men are thirsty for it too. We just don't know how. And not all men are capable of this. I get this, but if you have a man that has a sliver of hope then begin a practice of real emotional connection with one another, that's my invitation for you. By the way, if anyone else is brave enough to join the hot seat before we wrap up today, there's the link. Beach Lover says, if I have a list of 60 things that you are looking for in a person, is that what you ask for hard questions about being with? You know, instead of 60 things you're looking for, how about 25 qualities that are most important to you in another person? Make them qualities, not things like if they own a home, right? Like if you had the difference between a guy owns own home or can pay his bills and pay his rent, but he has a heart connection, which is more important. I know you'd like the guy owns own home, but connecting with his heart, put together the list of your top 25 most important qualities you seek in a relationship, that would be my invitation for you. Sunshine 88, how do you handle intense heart connection with people other than your partner during drugs? First off, medicine is not the same, but my partner changed a lot during ceremony and justifies heart connection with strangers. Oh, so I'm not a big proponent of ethical non-monogamy. I'm not a big proponent of that. I'm not a big proponent of polyamory. I'm not a big proponent of swingers. Okay, I'm just not, that's me personally. You have to decide what's most important for you and you and your partner have to decide what's most important for each other. Those are conversations I recommend having. And if their values differ than yours, then you have to ask yourself if your values are not aligned, does that mean you make sense to continue the relationship? This is why we have conversations to determine alignment. But yeah, that's a tough one. I understand that. Okay, thanks for sharing. Julie says, if the guy won't hug me, does this mean he's not into me? Should I hug him first? Well, are you talking about a first date or like you've been living together for three years? Okay, you know what? I'm a big proponent of hugs. And you know, I'm just a big proponent of hugs. I mean, how do I end my videos? First off, I give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. I reach into the camera and give you a hug as well. I ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow and give inner them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I'm a big proponent of hugs. Someone doesn't, then we have to get to the root of why there must be some trauma associated with hugging. He must have some significant trauma associated with hugging. And I'd wanna try to get to the root of where that trauma is and heal that trauma. And then, you know, but I would have a difficult time. I mean, that's a tough one. I get it. That's a tough one. Julie, thank you for that question. Leslie, if you get turned off by someone, your only app messaging with, i.e. sensing narcissistic behavior out the gate, is it considered ghosting to block them and delete them at this stage? First off, that's not ghosting. That's called changing your mind. That's all you've done. Now, you could simply write and message them and say, hey, I've appreciated our conversation. I've decided to move on. I wish you all the best. I think that's being a little bit radical to block and delete at this stage. You could simply say, hey, Tim, I've really enjoyed our conversation. I don't feel comfortable. First, you know, I've changed. I don't feel alignment with you and I've decided to move on. I think that's more, it's better karma to do that. Leslie, I'm a big on karma. And if you're already judging his behavior as narcissistic, be careful of the judgment. And then if you go and block and delete them, that's just bad energy. I'm not suggesting you shouldn't. Now, if he does something, if he crosses a boundary with you, then you absolutely block and delete him. If he crosses a boundary. But if he hasn't crossed a boundary yet, then simply write a message, thank you, no thank you, and move on. That's my, because I think it's better karma. Okay. All right, let's keep going here. Gigalo says, hugs are free. I agree. Let's keep going here. Melinda says, what are ways you recommend a woman can assure the heart connection before too much sexual intimacy? I tend to get scared and feel used even if a guy is respectful. How do you recommend a woman can assure heart connection? But well, then through social activities, hobbies, mutual interests, doing things together in activity-based builds trust, having radical honesty, okay, having what I call radical honesty, laying your cards on the table and the rules of engagement. Radical honesty means being vulnerable, being authentic, being transparent. Laying your cards on the table is talking about your past relationships and how those experience affected you as who you are today. And the rules of engagement is to establish the standard type of relationship, the standard of the type of relationship you're looking for. And if you need some support with that, check out the link to a discovery call to see if working with the coaches right for you in the link below. Julie says, thank you for listening to my question. Interesting, you are right. Well, thank you so much. Folks, I think this will be a great place to wrap up. Hey, if you found value in what I shared, please hit that dollar sign below and send some money to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. We'd love to have some love tonight. I hope you found value in this conversation today. I know I went off the rails with G. I know many of you probably thought I wasn't listening, but trust me. Trust me. I'm here to encourage everyone to approach communication more concise, share your feelings and actually know what you want. But when you communicate, because when you operate from a place of clarity and understanding, you actually create better connections with people. And most importantly, take ownership in your part of your lives because if you don't take ownership of it, what's the definition of insanity, doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results. And I'm here to encourage better results for all of you or more effective results going forward. All right, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. Please post a comment below. I do my best to read all the comments in the first 24 hours. If this content resonated with you, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And by the way, the link's below to schedule a discovery call with me to find me on Instagram to join my group called Midlife Love Mastery, the books I recommend. And my dating vows are listed there as well. And I'm gonna wrap up this video, as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jathabar hug. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love. If that's okay, I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone to pet Teddy Bear pillow and give either of them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. Let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. I wanna thank G and Rhonda for having the bravery to be in the hot seat and Renee and Lighthouse and Melinda and Stephanie and Billy Holt and Jane and Julie and Wanda and Melinda and Leslie and everybody else big hugs to you. Thank you for being on, have a wonderful, fabulous, fantastic evening.