 This week's episode is sponsored by Change. Change is an online mentoring program that teaches people with no experience how to create a real profitable online business and e-commerce. I have been working with Ryan at Change for a few years now and attended many events and got to meet the amazing community of like-minded people. These guys are the best of the best. The support these guys offer is personal, no bots or employees. There's no experience needed but like anything in life it takes time as it's a real business with real results. For more information go check out Ryan on Instagram at RyanGybe and he will guide you through the steps to help build a successful business. You can now follow me on all my social media platforms to find out who my latest guest will be and don't forget to click the subscribe button and the notifications bell so you are notified for when my next podcast goes live. And boom we're on and today's guest we've got Zajia Bailey. How are you G? Very good, thank you. How are you? Yeah really good, thank you. First and foremost thanks for coming on the show. I know you're in high demand and now you're on all the news stations. There's no secret. Russell Brand, Kingdom Scandal back in the day now it's all came to the surface again but I'd like to get a... because you've got a lot of depth to your story as well. Listen you were a bit of a mad bastard back in the day for honest but fair player now you're you're clean living it's an amazing finger in recovery fair play to you but we've all got demons we've all got that stuff and this would be a good... like it's not like the news where it's six seven minutes five minutes people don't understand your story and how you've went through past present future so this will be a good day to get understanding about you and what you're all about so I always like to go back to the start of my guess to get an understanding about yourself where you grew up how it all began. So um well from birth yes okay um right I was born on the 7th of July 1985 in in London West London Hammersmith and um my early life was very good um I I have sort of vague memories of the late 80s a little bit and and I feel very warm towards that period of time because everything was good in my life um and then you know fast forward a few years to secondary school um I went to a private all-girls school and um I noticed from there that everything was a little bit different so you know these girls were extremely privileged and bitchy um I have my moments of being bitchy myself um and I just felt a little bit out of place and I think that's the case with a lot of people who succumb to addiction is um you feel different um I guess everyone does to a certain extent and then um when I was about 19 my parents got divorced and that was when I kind of went off the rails the first time around so um I would just trash myself all the time I mean by you know chemicals and all the party drugs um alcohol boys you know whatever um and so that was a really icky part of my life how was your parents so my parents when I was growing up were fantastic and they are now actually but we went through a period of time when I was 19 when they got divorced where my mom didn't really know how to have a relationship with me because she was 43 found herself single again and that's only five years older than I am now so I understand it in a completely different way um my dad went to America to look after his aging parents and so I was just kind of left my brother went to America with my dad and um that's when I realized that I could make myself numb by taking drugs and so I moved into this horrible flat share and we had every single touring band back there like it was mental I would wake up I'm like who the hell is that on my floor you know all that stuff that at the time was like isn't this fun I'm 19 years old but after a while it just got a bit you know destructive and toxic how important is it to have a father and a daughter's life it's incredibly important um or if not a father like a father figure um but don't get me wrong my dad's awesome like he's amazing and he did the best he could whilst being completely brokenhearted from a divorce that he didn't want um so yeah I think it's very very important and I wouldn't recommend um not having at least a father figure in a girl's life why didn't you go to America because I thought that I was going to be a big star here you know it's just it's so cliche it's really icky um so yeah I stayed here and um I thought well you know I'll probably be a glamour model because I look pretty good without my clothes on and that's really sad that was the best that I thought I could do you know I did I thought I had nothing else to offer anyone and so that's what I did and I was too chunky for the mainstream agency so I thought I'm not taking no for an answer and I went online and I submitted my pictures for like amateur photographers and that's where some really horrible shit happened like what can I say shit listen that's that fucking free for all oh yay oh my god I love this I've had to be like so okay oh fuck good relax okay yeah it's anything goes so yeah we can yeah we can touch on anything speak see anything what was the question ADD what happened when you said a lot of bad shit happened oh so I went online and and I went to do all these modeling gigs and I set my rate at I don't know 30 pounds an hour or something and um at first it was fine you know you just go into a studio and if you guys click there like how much your camera is at you and then like they like do you like it creepy yeah yeah but you know what like fair enough I was there I was willing to be flesh and they wanted flesh so I gave it to him and I got paid for it right simple as that but because of my my recent discovery that drugs could cure everything in my head I accepted drugs on shoots which I wish that I could just tell my 19 year old self just get the fuck out like don't if it first of all the model release like I didn't know what in perpetuity meant I thought I was like oh this is good because if I sign it I'll get paid really really thick really thick and lost and alone and very self-destructive like nobody's business was everybody did you feel used at that point I didn't at that point at that point I thought this is great you know I'm you thought you're doing the right things I didn't have a concept of right and wrong to be honest but I did think that was my only option because I didn't do well like with my A levels and GCSEs because I just I had undiagnosed ADHD which is very difficult to sporting girls and so that made concentrating and engaging very very hard so I did love art at school but I had a teacher called mrs. Campbell and she she said that I should probably be doing something else bitchy lady um because I didn't want to write essays I didn't want to write essays about art I wanted to make art and um yeah I know that sounds like a really spoiled bratish thing to say but it's just my truth see in the private see in the old girl's school there's not much attention you're getting from boys or anything so see me you come out that do you then try and crave attention from the external stuff well I think yeah what you've mentioned there is really important because for me what I've noticed from a lot of my friends that also went to all girls school is that it turns you out one of three ways so number one is just like I was like just wild and like desperate for male attention two socially inept and unable to talk to guys ever and three gay yeah because I was obviously I didn't have any boys to crush on right so I I was a bit confused there for a bit tried it not for me but you know good on anybody who wants to and I I had noticed quite a few of my graduating class are now in relationships with women which is great like any relationship that looks happy I'm happy with but um yeah I was in the minority of girls who turned a bit slutty the other way yeah crazy way uh-huh was there many of you's at the old girl's school who went like drink drug sex well yeah but everyone got over it you know they had their phase and they got over it mine just fucking stayed why do you think that is because I because I didn't know how to live I did not know how to live I was plunged into independence nobody taught me what a bill was nobody taught me what why I need to pay council tax so all these letters showed up and then a bailiff came around once and I'm like what why are you taking my stuff real big shock um and so my solution to that was to blanket out with drugs or drink or men and um yeah and and then I would do the work that I was doing in order to get the bailiff to leave me alone the gentleman and dad see the destruction obviously your dad in America but were you still in contact yeah so like eventually they did they got they got it um and my dad my dad after both of my grandparents had died was back and he he's always been a really great supporter of mine um but yeah uh divorce like just completely broke him so he went through his own destructive time but he's not an alkie like me um because he can actually stop so um when I have a drink I simply cannot yeah I may be able to stop but I might not it's Russian roulette and I'm going to take people down with me and it I'm going to ruin everything and and then I won't even remember it so it's like oh well that's not my fault bullshit but I think that's the same as any but especially Nastini I was the same when I drank I was first in latched out and anybody that was with me I could keep the party going because of my bubbly character and having fun and music putting out the lines and everybody try to keep everybody chatting I just didn't want people to go home because I didn't want to go home myself I just I was too painful I just I wanted everybody to get fucking high and take away the pain not realizing years go on and then the pain just gets worse yeah and you can't really deal with it all at once it's just delayed you're delaying it and making it bigger yeah and I I completely identify with you I was that crazy girl that like would make the other girls feel a little bit better about themselves because I was so horrendously pissed and high and acting in a way that was not valuing myself or really it felt like I was outside of my body a lot of the times you know it just classic dissociation but it's a circle you keep as well they're all in self-destruct mode yeah so that my circle I made sure that they were people who were as sorted as sorted as I was um and because it made me feel kind of all right about things but I would be like you I'd be on the bender and I would be like who's gonna get more drugs and I love coke so much and all that shit you know and and really it's just like when the coke runs out and the crack oh through the window through through the curtain of sunlight comes in and you wish that you were fucking dead that that is what I have to remember because if I think about that I'm not gonna of course drinking and using thoughts float through my head on a daily basis but I don't have to engage I don't have to engage because I know that I'm gonna be in that grisly horrible place looking around thinking what the hell has just happened yeah if I was to start sniffing again I would be in the same places I was 10 years ago 15 years ago listening to the same music nothing changes and I still think about it but it doesn't have the power over me where I act on it yeah what sort of stuff were you taking um so my first choice would always be really good coke but for a while in my early 20s obviously you know you don't have that much money when you're in reality so I took ecstasy quite a lot um and that got me into some very interesting predicaments um but then as I got older there have been periods in my life where I've managed to put everything down apart from booze so like I would lean on booze a little bit too much maybe when I was performing with Adam and um yeah I would be like I would be one and a half drinks tipsy and I could keep it like that and then afterwards all hell would break loose but you're angry angry I don't think I felt angry because I wasn't allowing myself to feel anything so I had I've had to process all of this um with therapy rehab 12 steps you name it I've done it and um I had to face that yeah it's okay if I was angry um and I needed to forgive myself for putting myself in those situations because my only objective was to get some drugs I didn't even you know I didn't even care about money I could bypass that if I could get the drugs and so if you invite a young girl around who said I want coke on arrival um and she's clearly hammered I kind of think you're a piece of shit if you facilitate that because you know you know exactly what's going to happen there and and I think there does need to be ownership on the girl as well but for me if I could go back and talk to 20 year old Georgie I would just be like get out now you don't need to go and do this go and have a shower try and sweat it out and like because you can't fathom not having that next line if you don't have your next line the world's gonna end and so I just latched on to people who would give me my drugs do you think they've seen a weakness in you where they were just feeding your habit while of course using you of course they were but I allowed that to happen you know I allowed that to happen and um it's because I was completely controlled by my addiction and I've had to do a lot of inner work to get over um you know just the blame blaming myself and blaming other people I can see my part in the situation which is that I I went there right and I took those drugs and I slept with whoever um but at the same time I also have to look at look at the whole situation and the time that we were living in and I think that you know there was a massive double standard there about you know a man as a hero girls a slut whore um and then when the press eventually started calling me a whore I thought to myself because I still wasn't very well I'll give you a fucking whore if you want a whore I'll give you a whore do you feel as if you had to play to the crowd I I don't know I just felt like it made the whole thing easier like just to be like well you've already cast me in this role so that's what I'm gonna do now how did that start the relationship with Russell Russell oh it was a mutual friend introduced us via text it was very transparent it was just for you know friends with benefits yeah exactly I mean I wouldn't even say that it was friends it was just all the benefits but um but you were 20 he was very yeah was he was he sober at the time I think he was fairly newly sober um but he wasn't working a program and I learned this years later when he made his amends to me that he he still was very unwell so he was acting out sexually and sex addiction is actually a thing and there's a whole fellowship devoted to it and I think that he cross addicted onto sex addiction because he directly did that from from one thing to another and I've done it myself with lots of other things yeah you get rid of one addiction you replace it with another like a mole you know boom boom but I'm surprised at that because even when I was going through my changes at the start I would never mingle with anybody who was drinking or taking drugs you at 20 were just starting the madness with the drinking and the drugs did he know you were still active I think he he he knew that I was a 20 year old girl having a fucking great time I think that's what I presented and that's what was accepted um never once did I command him to treat me with respect which is you know I I really I feel so much affection for that young girl because she hated herself she thought she was worth nothing and um yeah that makes me really sad but at the same time I can't be angry at Russell because I understand addiction I understand cross addiction and I also understand that he he knows how he behaved was wrong and he told me that and he looked me in the eyes like a man and he apologized and meant it I felt it was totally sincere and um I can't ask for more than that really yeah especially like you say you you know what you were doing as well you know did you know it was that fun at that time yeah when you were seeing a celebrity because I was 20 years old I mean most 20 year old girls at that time were watching I remember I was watching Big Brother's Big Mouth with my flatmate and we were just like oh my god he's so fit and um and then before I knew it I had his phone number and I was like oh I wonder what I'm gonna do with this obviously I called it I sent a text and it was very exciting because I had no ambitions my only ambition was to be you know maybe a rock star's girlfriend or something which now I look back on it and I think yeah but because it's just like you know the if I would have become a rock star's girlfriend at that time I would have already have been replaced about four times now that I'm 38 yeah they fuckers I've never seen they've never done a relationship with one exactly you know and um yeah I thought the best thing I could expect out of life was to be a page three girl married to a rock star that was the dream and it just seems so alien to me now like I can't connect with that at all um so my the way that I see it now is like yes I was that girl I was that young girl but I'm not anymore and I want to make it my mission to help stop other lost 20 year old girls from making the same mistakes that I did when you go to a shoot do not accept alcohol if they offer you alcohol get the fuck out and always bring someone and if they won't let you bring a chaperone don't do the shoot because they've got an ulterior motive and then learn what impetuity perpetuity means I don't even know that means what it means forever they are in your ass forever have you seen something yes so it's yeah when you do a photo shoot you sign something called it well you did in my day you signed something called a model release and that means that they are in those images and they can put them wherever the fuck they like and so that's why one of my most gross horrible mistakes in which you can see that I'm totally high by the way is still online and I just think you know what every time anything good I do happens that pops up again I've tried so hard and spent so much money trying to get that pulled but because one of our lovely red top newspapers sold the clip as a downloadable clip it individuals have it it's everywhere you know and so I'm happy to if anyone ever wants to ask me about it I can tell them exactly how that happened and I can tell you exactly what drugs I was given and what I was made to sign well not made to I signed it willingly because I wanted another fucking line was that porn though yeah yeah it was and but it wasn't meant to be at first it was meant to be a photo shoot and then about two and a half grams later it was a girl girl porn but that's abuse it is and I have been trying to come to terms with that for many many years and then it's like I always thought well maybe you know maybe it was my fault in some way maybe I maybe I knew that it was going to be more than a photo shoot and and you know maybe maybe I asked them for the drugs and but really I can't I can't do that because it's it was clearly wrong clearly clearly wrong and exploitative and it was you know for me at the time it was like a quick paycheck to stop the bailiffs from coming around because I didn't understand why they were there I was that stupid and um yeah it's there it's out there no you can't justify that because you're singing a piece of paper for a photo shoot to then being fed alcohol and drugs is grooming it's exploitation it's abuse you know just because you're high on drinking drugs listen you've not got the free will to make those decisions see lots of people don't agree with you on that why um just because we're still very that's unprofessional it's empathy sympathy sympathy for the man empathy I think people have an understanding of that online listen you're going to get trolls but people listening to this bring it on trolls I'm not scared of you listen fuck them but if you're high on because I've had porn stars on who became friends and they talk about I've had people on exposing the porn industry and how dark and seedy it is and we get that listen it's the sex trade that's going to be it's a low vibrational thing but I've had people on who say they love it but I can see the damage in their eyes yes do you know what I mean it's a like I say it's low vibrational it's not really humane but I'm glad you described it like that low vibrational because I I completely believe in all that stuff and I like to keep my vibration nice and high but I can now with enough distance between then and now look at the low vibrational stuff and look at it like from an outside view and just be like wow what a piece of shit did you get more money or did you sign a new agreement no no it was just that one time it was I think I believe it was about 300 pounds and I owed the bailiffs I owed the bailiffs like 700 pounds so that was a big chunk of it gone and yeah I just I really really really wish that somebody would have scooped me up and put me somewhere you know I just I was desperate for somebody to like one of my parents to to just take me out of it and I remember I was begging my mum like could you just please be a mum like can you just look after me and she she was being led by her friends at the time like no you got to kick her out of the nest she's ready fuck no I'm not ready you haven't taught me anything um and then eventually you know as I got older now we have a one for relationship and I think it's because mum was very um dominated by my grandmother who wore wore that I hate this expression but the trousers in their house um the metaphorical trousers yeah but I think that was the old way I tried to deal with things because you used to do the cry out method for babies let them cry self-serve but that's wrong because then the abandonment issues kick in for an early age kids when they're doing wrong they want to feel nurtured they want to feel protected they want to feel safe and if you can give enough kid enough love as a baby and being born they'll thrive in life it's not giving them to there's not such thing as giving someone too much love because if you give them so much love they'll feel confident and go around the world I believe it's all the abandonment issues and all the insecurities that kick in that are not good enough which sell fucking sabotage the drink the drugs the sex the anger the violence whatever it is you do that like we spoke a slow vibrational that's us being loud at parties I was a loud man on the tables and fucking top off and zero fucks giving to pretend I was fine yeah deep inside I was screaming for help massive hole yeah all I'm paying I'm still trying to repair it I believe it takes time yeah and I believe I'll it'll never be fully repaired before this shit that I've done man but I'm working on it it's one thing at a time yeah I'm only in percent how many times did you see Russell at the start at the start yeah um I guess I saw him about like 10 10 11 times something like that that's quite a lot yeah but this is spread over three years I said just one of those ones yeah so I was like under no illusions it was I was a booty call and I knew it and I was fine with it um there were times where I thought oh like actually I I think I might quite like him I better stop seeing him because I knew I knew what was going on you know did you ever meet him hi uh I think the first time I went round I was extremely pissed uh hi I'm not I don't think I did I might have done but as you can imagine that period is quite blurry uh but yeah I guess it would have been in my like sort of ecstasy taking era but Russell being clean and sober didn't want to meet lately you know he didn't want to meet at like two three in the morning which is when I would be done partying so usually I would be sort of not that wasted but a bit wasted yeah so see at that stage when you're the last time you seen him was everything quiet kind of forgotten about no more hearing about it obviously until the sax gate sax gate sax gate that's my grandfather's surname yeah but you know if there was a no more word of it every woman's kind of smooth then yeah done did nobody know about the relationship no oh only my friends yeah of course you're gonna be pissed and talk about it and talk about his fucking willy and his feet size and his breath smells that's what women do that's what guys do to discuss crazy oh god that's terrifying but you know what I mean at that stage you're a young girl full of drink full of drugs and your cousin of sleeping with a celebrity and the sad reality is a lot of people put celebrities on a pedestal they're so they're more damaged than fucking anybody but when he spoke to me when he made his amendments he said that with great power comes great responsibility and at the time he didn't realize he didn't know that and I think that's true because he's got daughters now and I think it's changed him for the better yeah it does change because I've got a daughter yeah and I do everything for my 13 oh wow she's at that age and then I was a nightmare at 13 good luck is a she's a good kid and I just know how dark it is out there I've spoke to enough survivors I've spoken of people who work that job to try and protect kids my kids don't have sleepovers they think I'm strict but it's not maybe their friends parents it's maybe who's coming in that out that house you don't know with cameras now technology I'm not going to take that risk as simple as that I'm going to be ruthless and strict they can come to yours though yeah of course man if you want to have sleepovers and make a mess fucking do what you want but I need I'm a protector and you want to fall out you mean in shit then you can have a wee tiff and go off and one for a day or two I'll be the bad guy I don't mind but I just know you're when you're with me you're under my protection and nobody's gonna help you so it's hard so seeking through that leaves then after the kind of friends we benefits kind of finished what were you doing then because you've done mad shit you're not a dominatrix in that yeah I saw obviously you know whilst having very low self-worth I thought the best thing that I could do is be a sex worker I totally support women's right to choose to be a sex worker if they wish but for me as somebody who was just looking to get paid for stopping bailiffs and drugs I um it was very different so I I knew girls that were dominatrix is what's the plural dominatri I know I think they're mad ambassadors I've got friends who are dominatrix and it's their job I don't care what you've got yeah I don't care what kinks you've got if you like other sex I don't I'm not asked as long as there's not around kids in as long as it's kept to safe and and then do what you want to do I did a bit of dominatrix what was it like it was just ridiculous like I just couldn't take it seriously and I just kept laughing and I was just I can't do this you know and then I was just like oh my god like actually when I walk away from this I feel really gross like I feel really gross um and then later on in my life when I was really addicted to coke like about 30 um that was when I I joined like these escorting sites because I wanted a sugar daddy which you know again is just mental to me now um because I'm not going to be owned by anybody yeah how was that how was the dominatrix stuff what sort of stuff did you have to do I can't even think about it without laughing um you know just some really really odd requests but that was I only did it two or three times but I definitely wouldn't do it again it's so surreal and also the people that go they tend to be very powerful men and I just I can't like it it's too much my little head I can't do it I can dress up like a dominatrix in latex and stuff and hold a whip and like pose with it but that's as far as we're gonna go how was the sex walk stuff did you do that long um I did that uh just for a year I think and it was horrible it was as horrible as you could imagine is that you at your lowest yeah I would say so was that the hate of the drugs and yeah yeah it was so so um 30 31 yeah that was the peak um and it wasn't a good time at all and I just literally would would just go bed hopping you know it was really really bad how much I can't really remember but it was a lot you know and and whoever had coke that's where I went and if I if I needed some money I'd go to the one that gave me cash and then it's just it's so draining to remember that stuff because I just can't believe that I had such little regard for myself and the people that loved me you know I had a boyfriend at the time Latino he found out in the most horrible way by reading my phone yeah how long were you seeing him well I was on and off with him for like eight years um but yeah that was a very complex uh relationship but anyway like I just did not give a fuck about anybody but me and I didn't really even give a fuck about me I gave a fuck about getting my drugs that's it yeah of course that's a lesson first of all man I love your honesty you're fucking doing amazing honestly it's it's powerful stuff to dig deep into your past and and be do you know what man this is the crazy stuff obviously we'll dig into the the positive stuff and it changes but is that when you totally just lost all self-respect are you ever suicidal yeah yeah so um I've been suicidal about three times in my life um and each time I have been sitting on a very high windowsill and each time I don't know why but I feel like someone's pulling me back into the house like literally there's like a warmth around my waist somebody pulls me in it's really fucking weird um and so the third time that I did that and that happened I thought maybe I better listen to that and um yeah so the final time was um the day that I stopped drinking which is the 16th of February 2020 and um yeah I was I could not stop drinking and I just didn't know what to do I didn't know how to live with or without it and I had been to to all the fellowships I'd been to rehab nothing was working for me so I I hit my knees and I asked whoever the fuck you are I'm fucked like help me and and they did whoever they are and when I you know then I got um put in psychiatric for a bit um and that was horrible um and then and then yeah and then I managed to stay sober um I did this I did the 12 steps it's not for everyone but it was definitely what I needed to do and um I haven't looked back good on you when did the sax gate stuff start what year so that all happened um into 2008 what age were you then 23 so you were still on there kid yeah so what was it like when all rat news broke because that was fucking weird let's be honest listen I actually the new version of Russell Brand that's the lovely stuff the way he speaks man I think it's unbelievable and I respect people who change because I go through changes myself and I go wow and it's just it was obviously it's 15 years ago as well it's about 15 years ago that and then Jonathan Russell it's surprising to see them speak so vulgar especially it wasn't live but to put that out either somebody's threw them under the bus I don't know what they're thinking to put that out but what you're thinking to be the the brunt of the joke no you get two high celebrities in the UK then using you as a joke especially then for your granddad who's an absolute legend in the game and how was that when you first heard that news well I mean as you can imagine would you want your grandparents knowing who you shagged but what was their method of thinking their method of thinking you'd have to ask them but I think they felt they were untouchable you know because Russell was being encouraged to act this way and Jonathan Ross was like a sniggering little schoolboy like just joining in and he had teenage girls at that time I think which is kind of gross to do that you know even if I'm a massive whore you're still bullying my granddad fuck you because your granddad has a legend for anybody that does it is Andrew Saxe yeah Andrew Saxe like Paulie Towers and he's been on so many different other things but he's been a legend for years like people do love your your granddad and for you being a young kid and then on the drinking the drugs and listening your life spiraling it's going dark and then getting all that shit thrown on here this is why podcasts and longer formats are so good for people to understand it's not just a joke and plus there's no doubt if I'd have seen it if I'm laughing with friends and I'm talking about partners and stuff I'm probably laughing and sharing it but it's not getting recorded it's not out there in the mainstream this is going world fucking news yeah so see when it broke where were you I was at work so at the time I was working in one of my CD jobs to support my addiction which was a very weird experience because and that's where I saw something demonic but I'll tell you about that in a minute so I was at work and my phone started blowing up and I was just okay and then I listened to my voicemail it was it was Russell telling me what they'd done and that I should break into my grandparents house and steal the tape out of their machine um and I just thought oh god okay bracing for impact from grandparents and um I didn't hear anything and so I thought okay well maybe like I've just got away with that and then I was away I was in Vienna performing with the girls and then but bellisk and then at Vienna airport my phone starts blowing up again and it's people from every single place in history of my life saying are you okay we're here for you and it's just like well but what like has somebody died I don't know like and then and then when we landed I heard exactly what was going on and you would think that being the type of young girl that I was that I would think oh this is brilliant you know I'm I'm I'm famous finally um but really immediately I knew that there were going to be things like that video I told you about coming out you know and it was being presented as though that's what I did currently and you know it was really really difficult to to try and understand why why these grown men hated me so much so many people and women as well women were being nasty you know it was back at a time where um I think one of my friends Shanae she posted something on facebook just now about it was a cutting from a magazine and it's like slagging off a very healthy looking mariah carry's thighs like that sort of thing and I was called chubby goth and all that stuff that uh I had already had an eating disorder so that went through the roof and um yeah it was just like really bizarre because it didn't feel as good as I wanted it to it didn't fame fame was it was dirty fame it wasn't the type of fame that that and I didn't know what I wanted to be famous for because I couldn't really do anything I hadn't decided what I wanted to do with my life I just knew that I had it like a decent pair of jugs and um that's all I thought I was sad yeah it's sad and listen it's hard because everybody's got so much potential every human on this planet has got so much potential to be whatever they want to be and for me for many years I probably in fact I did chase fame because I thought with that whole we were talking about earlier that's gonna that's gonna fill it because you see all these celebrities no look happy and then they all looks after making money and that's the life they're feeding you the wrong information because that I haven't viewed enough of them now I don't realize how fucked up they are and how when you talk about demonic and dark it's so fucked up that industry and it's for anybody it's to try and go with fun and it's fucking cheesy and gay whatever you want to call it I don't care but it's to go with fun and try and raise naturally as possible because you see and we talk about vibrations your vibration rises and your vibration rises when that low vibrational people come your vibration bangs it doesn't want to feel it yeah doesn't want to feed into it I don't have time for it yeah when you're low you'll feed into it because it makes sense it's fucking scary but so seeing that all then broke out like you say is that when a realization that was all bullshit when your name was out there in the open did you feel as if you you became a target yeah yeah absolutely I mean this is classic slut shaming right so that wasn't a term that we used back then but it definitely felt bad it felt really bad and the more I look back on it the more I think like so what if I shagged people who cares like it makes no difference to their lives oh but but you know she is a whore so it's okay you know it's like actually I was just a really sick lost little girl who was looking for approval in all the wrong places and then I was the most vilified woman in Britain for a while and I wasn't ready for that he didn't speak to me for eight years because he was heartbroken and I of course he was he was embarrassed because you know I I did a lot of embarrassing stuff um stuff that I would be embarrassed of now if if it was like my daughter or something and it was their generation you see like a journalist oh this is good a journalist went round to their house with a laptop and showed them the video to get a reaction and write a stupid fucking article and um yeah I wasn't too happy about that one is that when your whole life went into self-destruct I mean it was already pretty much there you know uh but actually that pushes you over the edge well it's because now I've got you know my mum in the middle between me and my grandparents not knowing who to be loyal to because she's still very scared of my very dominating grandmother and she she doesn't really know how to have a relationship with 23 year old me really because I did stuff that she didn't do when she was that age you know I mum I think she's only had like four boyfriends ever so you can imagine you know what she would have felt like knowing that I had been doing that stuff um so yeah it was really hard yeah like you say people need to understand you are 23 you're thrown into all the papers and you you say and it's like shaming you've already fucking struggled with your weight you already struggled with life you're a fucking drug addict you're sleeping with every man just trying to get some not even pleasure you're just trying to get some sort of approval that you're good enough like am I worth my oxygen that I breathe today like or do I not deserve to be alive that sort of thing like that I understand that was at the core of it now but at the time it was just this really icky feeling that I couldn't explain yeah when did Russell brand come forward and give an apology how long did it take 10 years how was that feeling though listen fair play if I'm apologizing as well because he was going through his changes and like you say it was like skill kids Jonathan Ross should have knew better Russell brand was still head probably still fucked he was in that industry was bang on it and his head was fucked I don't know the ends and outs I don't know him personally but I think he's a good person yeah probably because when I walk like I say I love his stuff I'm not a judge or a jury I would never discredit any survivor or anybody coming forward because I've had men and women on this show who've bottled it up for 20 30 40 years so I could never discredit anybody but on the other hand so people need to have a right to stand and trial by media as a powerful thing there shouldn't be a thing called trial by media and there's plenty of people I've had on the show as well who have made accusations that are liars there's got to be things in place for making accusations if you're telling lies you should be sent to prison anyway I could get 10 people to make accusations I get anybody and put them on camera and do that do you know what I mean but four people there who have never discredited and they could be right there might be more people come forward and he could be a proper fucking wronging do you know what I mean so I'm not going to say well we don't really know so all I can tell you is what I my experience which is that everything was more than consensual okay I was if anything the pushy one out of me and Russell okay everything was consensual but that doesn't discount the survivors that have had awful experiences I mean I watched the documentary and yeah I I couldn't recognize that behavior that he was exhibiting but I know that he was on another planet you know he was really really not very well and when we're not well we can do horrible things and treat people terribly and as I know that I've done that myself and the only thing that we can do about it now is own it and move on and try and make amends and not just say sorry but try and make the person's life better in some way like he did for me sent me to rehab didn't work but still like it it's probably saved my life because at that point I was doing very dangerous stuff you know really dangerous stuff meeting people I'd never met before just so that I could hang out and do their drugs and you know who knows what would have happened jank Russell Brian sent you to rehab because of the guilt well it was part of his amends you know it's a very important part of of a recovery program is to make amends to people you've wronged and own your parts in the situation and when he made his amends to me um he visited me at rehab around Christmas 2018 and I you know I I listened to what he had to say and I felt it was genuine and that's all I can ask for see for me that's a good guy but like I say when he's a drug addict and a sex addict I don't know because if you've got all that fucking fame and power I don't think he's a Harvey Weinstein character no he's not he was just using something else directly replacing drugs and that behavior was making a lot of people a lot of money and so you've got a sick sex addict paraded around making money for people because they know who he was all these contracts and all these TV shows they were like you say they're making money being more outrageous saying more stuff like that when really somebody should have you know rooted him into rehab and to look at his stuff but thankfully 10 years later when I spoke to him he really had looked at all his stuff and I I think he he's doing you know he's doing the best he can as somebody else in recovery that's that he's doing everything that I could possibly ask for who was rehab I just struggle right so I don't know how many of your listeners will have any experience of rehab but I went to two opposite ends of the spectrum rehab so the first time was a kind of panic intervention by my grandmother and she sent me to a place in Woking which was part of the priory lovely right beautiful and yeah it would that that was really good but I couldn't really relate to the people in there because they were all extremely extremely wealthy and then the one that Russell sent me to was rough as anything it was like a sort of you know pull you pull yourself up by your bootstraps northern this is like going to be hard rehab and yeah it was good it was good but you know again I don't know if it worked in that sense you know it was good to have therapy and good to it's always good to be physically removed from your substance it's a break you know you you're basically being baby sat for 16 weeks what made them come forward and help you so a mutual um a lovely girl called Lucy she um I was so angry at her actually at the time that she told him that I wasn't doing well because I met her in rehab number one two one and um she she told him like Georgie needs help because my family won't gonna pay for another stint in rehab we're not made we're not made of money I wasted what 20 grand or something like that so that's a lot of money and so Russell sent me to this other rehab and you know I can't say that it benefited me much apart from getting me clean um but yeah what the only thing that really worked for me is doing a doing the fellowship when was the last time you heard from her so I haven't heard from him in a really long time and I don't think it would be appropriate you know because he's I have a partner he's married that there's no room for exes in the space between us so I think all I can do is is stick up for him in the sense that this is what I experienced and he made his amends to me and I think he's a better person now and he was exploited let's be honest you think he was used he was used he was a he was an acting out full on full blown sex addicts not working a program whose it was like as if you know as if taking heroin was funny and so it's like here Russell do all this heroin and then get on stage and talk to people you know it it just doesn't sit well with me it's a circus act and you're basically a clown in the circus getting told what to do and jump through hoops or an elephant because you know they when they had animals in the circus they had to break that animal to get it to perform and I think that's what happened because the only sack Russell he doesn't sack Jonathan for the what dirt does he have on people how is this guy getting away with behaving like this for all these years like completely unscathed he must have some dirt on somebody very important I think that's why yeah because Russell was sacked it was Jonathan it made the comment I know it was and yeah yeah Jonathan Ross I actually years later I I worked when I didn't work with my boss was working with Adam Ross his brother and he actually lost me my job there blood is thick of a mortar he can deny it all he likes but I know that I lost that job because of him and yeah it was just the whole thing is just really sleazy and creepy and I think there's a lot more to it than meets the eye I think that there is something that is giving this family immunity from everything Jersey's family Ross's Jonathan Ross's family all of them it's weird but like I say there's fucking mad bastards in every environment in life the BBC always seem to have the most though and there's probably good people who work there so I'm not shooting down everybody but the and the thing about these things you go down like Phillips go field and Hugh Edwards is it it's just they play on their mental health but they have blatantly been caught doing that that that shit and the thing about these big companies not saying that everybody's fucking non-sex case in them but they protect them because they're making money from them they're not seeing the victims they're not seeing the people who struggle in the pain and their lives and people taking their own life and the young kids being abused they don't see that so much is swept under the rug million percent and that's fucking weird things need to change that way there needs to be more protection and if somebody's in the wrong then fuck them off I feel as if the media is very good at deflecting if there's something big happening wait a minute we'll pick that scapegoat and we'll fucking blame him he says because even with the Russell Brand comedy stuff he said there's comedians say fucking worse or shit than that but they've picked it out and then what they've done is got an actress on this dispatch and they've said this stuff that Russell says on tour for me that doesn't add up but like I say I'm not discrediting them and I would never go you're telling lies but something doesn't sit right with me yeah and I've got to be honest I've got to give my opinion and have my say and go wait a minute listen I understand they could be telling the truth what people can't come out but then again is it just somebody being a scapegoat but then I know he was a drug addict and a sex addict that is bad especially people can't come back and bite your ass 10 15 20 years later but on the other hand hasn't been saying enough out there to be pushing a narrative that other people don't like because he's following he's getting bigger as well you can go down that conspiracy and tin foil heart route but I genuinely did lovey stuff I genuinely thought wow he's changed his life and he's came from the alias kind of devil worshiping fucking that Hollywood satanic dark shit over there yeah yeah and that's dark over there that's another fucking podcast that we can get into but it's just it came back from all that but it doesn't just because as well do they know things are going to come out and then they play that card of the matrix are they're out to get me and and it makes sense that when they do try and cancel them well look I told you that was going to happen people aren't daft as well and he will not be daft other people will not be daft to play that card but see when it all broke where were you when it all broke yeah the June walk was coming out this batch this time yeah and so I've been receiving calls from channel four since 2020 about this and they've wanted me to contribute to it and I just said well I don't really have anything to say other than everything was consensual because that's the truth um and yeah I I just thought like oh it's going to go away because and I actually got in touch with my friend Lucy to try and get her to let Russell know that this is happening um and I had a few of these randoms um sending me messages on on social media and stuff and so it's been sort of in in my hemisphere for a long time um but I just I just offered you money yeah yeah yeah oh I can't remember but like it was they wanted me to basically anybody who's spoken to me from the mainstream media is trying to get me to bend to their narrative and I simply will not do it because it's not the truth you know and and when I was 23 I was very pliable I was very you know you oh you want me to say that okay would you like it as a sound bite okay you know it I went into dissociation and now it's like no I have a clear head here's what happened so they try to get you to bended this batch documentary no so not people from dispatch but there were there were there's a there were a few people that were saying like you know how did you did you feel used or anything like that and really I was using him just as much as he was using me but then again if you say if you're or if you're a coke addict if you're fucking having sex with everybody lost and try to pay the bail off so if somebody's going look there's 10 grand say that's about Russell 100 percent of the time you're going to take the money well at then when I was younger absolutely that's what I did that's what I did and and they wanted to push because I didn't realize this till recently but apparently the BBC and the Red Tops newspapers they have a very fraught relationship David Dimbleby actually told me that and I didn't think about it but actually it's so true and they paid me 13 grand to pretty much say whatever they wanted and looking back on it I want to put a big piece of gaffer tape on that girl's mouth and just be like just hold up you know don't do that because because then I was open to attack and really wasn't able to cope with it very well see this is the thing as well and that's why I'm only friends with it just now because I've got to be I'm not a judge or a jury but I know people who've mainstream media have tried to pay off to say stuff about certain people because one accusation is enough to destroy your life yeah yeah it is just the accusation and that's but for me there shouldn't be TV stations or newspapers publishing accusation if he's if he's charged by all means have a free for all if it goes to court publish what you want but publish the truth publish what's getting said in court publish don't just fucking write a headline to print papers because these big companies are on the rest now nobody buys interim people are more people are awake but then again when that documentary comes out the the the majority people would gravitate towards thinking he was guilty and I've seen a lot of people show support which is brave as well but again I'm no judge or jury and that's why I've got to kind of we'll never know we'll never know we weren't there yeah exactly so see when it broke what you thinking then did that bring back all the emotions of 15 years ago yeah so what it did bring back was the attack that I got from the public you know the comments the the very disgusting things that were written about me the pictures that I would rather have been forgotten printed um shared online that was that's my issue with it I you know my grandparents are long dead now like I I don't feel like it would I would have to shield them from it and also I feel like I have a much better relationship with my grandparents in spirit rather than when they were when they were alive um I feel like they're around me all the time in fact you know they may be here right now I don't know but um I I felt they are here your spirits are connected anyway your eyes are clear so you're obviously on a path you always do feel vibrations in that anyway so I know that so you're already on a good path and it's a good thing to see yeah and and so it just kind of like gave me a few bad memories but I thought well people want to hear what I have to say maybe people people will be able to just listen without you know without using slut shaming to attack me to deflect with because that does a lot of damage to all women that type of attitude um like a man's a hero the more girls he can shag but if a girl does it she's a whore and she's dirty and don't touch her I'm sick of that I don't want to hear it it's bullshit that's I'm trying to speak I speak a lot a lot about soul ties and sexual energy exchange because as men a back in the day it was all about numbers and the best red post that's how cool you were yeah and it's the wrong way of thinking because I think even it's so damaging towards the brain yeah so as is connecting energies and that's why relationships are breaking down nobody stays married anymore because their heads are fucked with all the sex and alcohol and noise and it's crazy out there I'm just trying I'm not trying to figure it all out but I'm trying to get answers so I can promote the right message for people I don't have it all figured out but I'm fucking trying I'm trying to understand and if you're enough people to go wait a minute these are bad and they mean damaging to you more germinal health but if you try this maybe it can make you feel better and yeah I've done all the madness yeah I'm still I'm still I'm still I still think crazy fucking shit I still think getting a big bag of gear a liter of vodka and just go and fuck it on your own yeah because it's easier yeah when you go naturally and try to do the right thing in life there seems to be more pressure it's worth it in the end of course listen stay on the right path and do the right things I would I'm thankful for everything I'm done I'm proud of everything I'm achieving now but that doesn't mean I'm immune to it there's always the thoughts there and sometimes you're under that little bit of pressure you think if I just have a little snuff then now I'll be fine funny you say that because um so I I haven't thought about taking a drink for a very very long time but when this all came up that that went through my head and I'll admit that but thankfully I've got enough sober sisters you know I've got enough recovery to recognize that it's just a thought and you know play the tape forward as the cliche goes um and I know that if I were to have had that drink I wouldn't be here now I would be somewhere horrible um and then I would have just let it defeat me again and I'm not willing to do that because I've worked too fucking hard to get to where I am and you know I'm not wealthy I'm not I'm not like uh some kind of crazy career woman and I don't have kids and I'm not married and all that stuff but I'm generally okay I can go to bed at night feeling good and that is worth everything to me it's worth anything you know more than a marriage or a child or whatever because I am 38 and I've got I've got the kind of like the panic the the mid 30s panic that women have put under um and it used to keep me up at night you know when I was like 34 nearly 35 just got sober and now I'm over it I'm just like I don't need to add another person to this world um there's plenty of babies that are unwanted and maybe when I have the means that I would adopt you know because really odds are that I should have been pregnant many times because obviously you know when you're you've got no regard for yourself I was extremely irresponsible and luckily that hasn't had any consequences so yeah I don't think you've ever been in any headspace it could have even sent you worse well it could have changed that life and made you it wouldn't it wouldn't no because I know lots of wonderful mothers in the fellowship in recovery who are you know they they had to lose everything in order to get well um but people can't get sober for someone else you have to be selfish about it and you have to want to do it for yourself you have to reach that point where you're remember I said about the sunlight coming through the the curtains that point where you know that if you have another drink you you don't think you'll ever be able to stop or you pick up the phone and you call someone and you ask for help and there's no shame in asking for help we all need help sometimes and if you get to the point where you're actually suicidal you can you can get help immediately you know there's there's crisis there's the smaritans you can mind you can and you know um I I was marched down to A&E because I wanted to kill myself by my mother and um and that saved my life and they did put me on benzos for a few days which coming off of them is just so awful yeah so and then when you come off that because benzo dazapines they weren't my thing but when I was coming off them it was like I never had crawling skin before but like it was crawling skin it was just so awful and so I did the the hard inner work and now I can say that you know my next silver birthday I'll be turning four amazing yeah February huh February February 16th amazing and that's the thing I'm 39 now but I've not got another recovery in me uh-uh if I was to go again I can get out and that scares the shit out of me because I know how hard the work back people don't realize when you're unadded you can fuck everything in one night everything that I've built in five six years the graft that we've put in to create something special to make people feel at ease and tell their story it's gone I feel like I already feel like a fraud already feel as if I'm feeling everybody that's just the way I feel sometimes other times I'm on it and I think you're doing all right man stop giving yourself a hard time but I've always done that but if I was to get back on it pack it again I ain't getting out there's no way back for me because I just feel fuck it and I would just push the foot to the floor and just go full steam ahead yeah and and and that's the thing it's a progressive illness so you know you you pick up where you left off and then worse yeah so I mean I can't be bothered to do early recovery again it's so hard like one drink and all that the the phenomenon of craving right it's painful and I don't think anyone can understand that until they've been through it like if I don't get a drink it's the same as not getting my next breath like that urgency and desire for the need physical need because you can die from the withdrawal yeah and I just don't want to go through that again all my neural pathways have closed down now but but I did accidentally eat a chocolate I had booze in it at Christmas and I felt the more fire back up again it's that delicate and so I I'm super careful with like what I put what what I eat you know like because I was being a greedy pig and I just shoved it in my mouth barely chewed it I'm the same I don't eat spaghetti bolognese and stuff because red wine and if I walk by somebody who's smoking a joint I think oh that smells good you know and I think but any other times it makes me sick because I realized how many years I wasted just sitting fucking puffing and but I still get that urge and it brings back all their memories because the sad thing is man I had some of the happiest times when we were all on it all the friends and just not giving a fuck well that's before it went bad you know it was it had to have been fun for a little while in order for you to want to continue to do it unfortunately you know we're allergic to that stuff we come out in an allergic reaction which is blackouts and crashing cars and ruining relationships and just basically being dicks and so I had to accept the like the fun times they're not going to happen ever again because I lost the privilege I went through the door to addiction you know I crossed the boundary and there's no turning back after that you made that you've lit up the neural pathways and you're fucked blunt them out because I feel that if I've achieved something I don't feel nothing if I get a new car I don't feel nothing and that allow yourself to yeah but it doesn't because I don't know if I've damaged the neural pathways they're totally burnt out with the drugs the gambling the drinking the fucking madness and you're just can I give you a little tip yeah of course you can right so when I notice that my my mind starts talking to me and it's not productive and it's it's tearing me apart and it's not letting me enjoy the present I listened to it I watched the thorn I'm like okay thank you for sharing fuck off and then I just go back to the present moment oh look I'm sitting in a chair oh look I'm looking at Jack oh look I'm on a podcast and I'm sober how great is that and every now and then like a resentment from the past will come in for no reason and I'll just be like uh-huh okay well we we're not doing that now and then I worry about the future and I just don't engage with that either because we don't know what the future is going to be we can plan for it but really all we have is right now right now and now and now why did you get sober this time I got sober because I was going to kill myself if I didn't stop drinking and I was upsetting the people that I loved so much um and I guess I just thought I had little snippets of sobriety before this sobriety and and I I remember I was just at the end of my drinking and and I was looking back at photos in my camera roll and just I was like oh I can be happy I was happy then happy yes and and then uh and then I decided that I'll do the steps and all that stuff very begrudgingly I don't like being told what to do never have but I did I did what was suggested in the program of recovery that I follow and um if I there are things that I have to do every single day but I have a I usually have a good day you know if I if I hand over my will to a higher power and the the g word god I don't know like I think that turns a lot of people off but I think the universe or anything that's more powerful than me because it's fucking arrogant thing that I'm the most powerful thing in the world um so nature dead relatives whatever you know I I I say okay well george's will is shit george's will is to get wasted and be selfish um and trash herself so I'm gonna do the higher powers will and usually I can hear it quite well like with a clearer head there are times like for example I do want to talk about this I have um a health problem called PMDD premenstrual dysphoric disorder so it means that for about a week every month I grow a little bit insane I feel like I'm going insane so um I looked back on all my relapses and when they were and it was like oh it was all in that week it's called the luteal phase and it's right before the period so oh you you get the follicle period then you get the follicular phase I think and then it's the ovulation and then it's luteal and then it's the period again so it's the one it's the last bit and it makes it can make you want to kill yourself it's really really serious one in 20 women have it doesn't get spoken about enough um and so when I when I was diagnosed and I was put on the correct meds for that I was able to continue living you know because I was having a wonderful time apart from one week and I just thought this isn't fair you know I've been working really hard here and so I don't think that there's any anything wrong in accepting you know outside help for things like that ain't it mad that the worst thing about getting into recovery and making changes is the conscience because we block it can't get away with it anymore and you think then you talk about the damage it does to the people who love you you think you don't love you but sometimes you can only let them go because I was always going to make more choices anyway I tell people about drink alcohol and drugs now they think shop whatever yeah because I've done the same they've done fuck off because I thought it was cool but when you go through that and then the first few months are amazing because you feel different it's called the pink cloud yeah you feel amazing yeah and then it kind of gets boring and but you've got to keep reminding yourself how far you've come but the it's the conscience how much worry I must have put my mom through my dad's through because my dad died seeing me at my worst and it fucking breaks my heart because he always knew how great I could be he's always saying you're fucking sticking a lesson absolutely there yeah thank you and that's that that's the stuff that upsets you because you think the damage that you've done and I don't like to think about it much because I know it's too much it's the worry they sleep this night and try to phone you your Christmas yeah it was horrible how hard does that when you think about the pain you've caused others love you just nothing like it and nothing will change that that thing that I did happened but I can all I can do is do what we call a living amends which means that I definitely don't do that again and I also make their lives better you know so my my my sponsor she recommended that as an act of amends I would host Christmas so because I yeah like I'm already like like when I think of them sat around that table waiting for me and there I was naked in a part of London I've never been to before next to a canal coming to running into a news agent so asking to use a phone I mean that's got to be a pretty shitty Christmas and so all I've all I want to do is just you know make sure that my parents and my my brother are proud of me from now on and that I don't I don't act like a crazy person anymore you know everybody's crazy well in in private you know maybe with my boyfriend I can be a bit crazy but like other than that like I I just like to leave a positive imprint as much as possible rather than a bad one you know before it was like that was a definitely low vibration I was I believe my brother called me a junky parasite which was fair it's on the point it was pretty fair he's got my brother's got a really good way with words how they've started laughing at that no well no I was just like because one of my character defects is that I'm extremely defensive so if anybody tried to tell me anything about myself how dare you even though I knew full fucking well that I was a junky parasite you couldn't say that and so I've had to really work on the defensiveness so when I see comments under things I don't generally look at them because they don't make any difference to my life really but my first instinct is to get defensive and I'm like oh what must this person be going through to write something that vile like they must have a really shit life I feel bad for them I hope they get some help and leave it at that because any other way of thinking will drive me to a drink or suicide and I am not up for either listen trolls are just sitting in their underpants eating a big packet of what so it's just hating on the world on their couch like the fucking mugs like it's just I don't really get trolled to be fair but you're always going to get the odd asshole but I don't even feed the energy I used to at the start now I just I'm laughing at other people doing my comments and stuff now but yeah but see when all that shit broke as well the recent stuff the just sponsor get hold of you straight away because it's late yes I try go yeah so um as you can imagine like my phone was blowing up again and it was really overwhelming but the fact that like I have my sponsor I have my sober sisters I have you know my partner's in recovery I have it all around me and my sponsor just said like just you know keep checking in tell me how you're doing and I've got sponsors now so you know it's I always say the best thing to get out of my head now is to get out of myself and focus on other people and helping you know being of service and before when people told me that in recovery I was like you want me to be a do-gooder but really it's the best feeling in the world and if I wish that I would have known about it sooner yeah it's not that we're probably dead but we're just I want my drugs now that's like that's what it was it's like get out of the way give me my drugs and if you don't have any drugs fuck off like it was literally that simple how was Piers Morgan do you know what I was flawed he was nice to me because I thought like he's the type that would I don't know I thought I thought he wasn't going to be nice but he was I was totally surprised and and and grateful interrogate you sort of but you know I but that's his that's his character that's I think I think he likes Russell he's been sticking up for Russell good I look I did have a few trolls that were women who were disappointed that I backed Russell but I'm not going to lie I've spent years lying like I can't the conscience I can't do it anymore I can't get away with that shit because it will eat me up and up and up until I drink but this sort of stuff is such a fragile topic not many people want to speak about it either no matter what you say you're always going to get half it's going to be a half in half right now because it's so fragile nobody wants to have a shoot down a survivor or someone coming forward and showing strength to then maybe somebody's been used as a scapegoat and then thrown under the bus as well while they're using them again you can see I can see both sides for me is to just let it play out will I ever know the truth I don't know do I care not really but if listening if he's done what he's done and more stuff comes out then fairly less than it deserves to be hung but the way things are going in the way the media work there's going to be question marks there's more to it isn't there's there's more to it like and I think this this is why I think Jonathan Ross has got away with with what he's gotten away with just regarding me because I think there's a sort of inner hierarchy that nobody knows about and I think that there's dirt on people and I think that some people have protection and some people don't and Russell wants to say things that people don't like and so he's being punished but I will say that when I was active in addiction I made some very terrible choices right I treated people horribly and I think I have owned all of it and tried to make amends for it and I would recommend that anybody else who's in recovery would do the same thing see that's the thing Russell was an addict he was a sex addict he was being exploited he was he could have done shit that he's ashamed of high on drugs you know the way beginning of the documentary did you see it yeah that routine I looked into that boy's eyes he was not very well I can see it I'm an addict I know I was dark I said that my partner says he that's a dark energy that you can see that he's not well he's not well at all and the hair and the look in the the clothing it's just the eyes it's like somebody was he still taking gear then no he wasn't he was he was acting out on sex he was acting out on sex and I think it's just blatantly obvious I had the same look in my eyes the same one yeah I thought that is because we talk about vibrations again it's a few times but I've seen it he's not he was not well there that force but you talk about these hierarchies listen there's a big club yeah we ain't fucking in it I'm not in it now I'm not in it but these people who are in the club I believe they maybe do something well they've got evidence on them to be in that club because if you step out of line you're going to fucking show this against you so to be in this club I believe there's going to be that stuff listen it could all be conspiracy theories but I speak to enough people I know a lot of high contacts myself to understand how this game fucking works and it's if you're not playing by the game you ain't in that crowd if you are clear minded you can see people you can feel energy I suppose is what I'm saying and you know when someone is wrong and you can sense it it's like a bad smell and I think there's a lot of that stuff going on like and that's why you know Piers Morgan went to talk TV Russell's doing what he's doing everybody's sort of splintering off from that but I think there's a lot of stuff that we have no idea what's going on and you can call me a conspiracy theorist people in the comments I don't care like I I also have grown up in a theatrical family and I've met a lot of people who are very powerful and I can tell you they there's some dark characters there because they talk about the red rooms yeah and London what's that isn't that like where it's like they make snuff films yes there's like a red rooms I don't know who was it fuck I was talking red room yeah so it's on the dark yeah but there's like fucking sacrifices and kids and fucking people getting killed it's just mad I mean there's just way too much evidence now for me to like I obviously I'm I've been presented with everything that you have been right so I choose to make my own mind up about stuff and and there's just so much there that like all matches and it feels really sinister and insidious you spoke about something demonic yeah what was that you want to hear my demonic story yeah of course I do okay I'm just asking Archangel Michael to protect us while I tell this story I'm covering us both in gold light and it's well that's all lovely Gabriel Gabriel as well yeah and Jofeel because she looks after the artist anyway god I'm mental anyway I'm fucking mental right um yeah accents aren't my best thing so when I was working at the peep show when the story broke so how it would work is you hear five of the old pound coins drop into the box and then the the curtain goes up and you see this poor fucking ranking right and you do a song to to to nude and then the the curtain goes back up so I must have done that about 20 30 times that day and then I was stone cold sober by the way when this happened this guy this face the the coins plop in I'm getting freaked out even talking about it and this face appears right that is not human it's not not like anything I've ever seen the eyes were far too big it didn't have a pupil it was just iris um and he I don't know he had like sort flashes coat on like an inspector gadget coat with like this hat and like crazy white hair and it had a white glow coming off of it okay and it did not feel like a positive thing and I was freaked out the girl in the booth next to me saw it as well and was freaked out she ran out screaming and I was just terrified so I turned my back and I did the dance like not looking at him but I could still see his face so it was right in front of me I shut my eyes and there it was and it's like he looked into my soul and asked me what I wanted and I must have said unconsciously I want to be famous and the next day Russell made that call and that's pretty cool Coinkydink do you believe there's entities out there yeah of course there is and and do you know what's really good is that when you raise your vibration you can work with the positive ones and and I had you know you said like dark attachments and sexual bones and things like that so when you are allowing anybody to do whatever the fuck they liked your body you're allowing their energy into your body and I had to do cord cutting and so much in order to free myself from the dark attachments because I was like an empty vessel vessel yeah I was a pretty empty vessel that these things could maneuver around and see what she would do you know and then I would have to pick up the pieces and that's not me not taking ownership because I got myself to that stage where I was empty and it was really scary and towards the end of it you know I would see things that I couldn't explain that just you know you just inherently know that it's very very dark I would see dark things dark past me all the time in my one of my ex-boyfriends flats because that was that was around the time when he found out that that I was escorting you know from reading my phone it was fucking brutal and and yeah just freaky stuff like that going on and now I'm happy to say that I have absolutely no dark attachments they cannot touch me they can try but they they just immediately are told to fuck off. The world listen it's good and evil there is a lot of goodness on the world but there's a lot of dark shit as well and the dark always tries to overpower the good when you speak out against it and that's when they attack and then when they attack the attack fills to my head. They can try and like they can't touch me I don't have any secrets they told everyone my secrets they're it's all out there. What shall go on down on the dust patch? Would you like a little summary? Yes yes okay let's see what I can do for you there um I think it was as I said the way the evidence was presented in the documentary was compelling for sure but I think we need to take into consideration the fact that Russell sex addiction is the same as a substance addiction when the person is in full swing there are no there's no regard for the consequences to themselves or others and at the beginning the stand-up routine about the blow jobs and all that that boy wasn't well you know and I and I think that stuff that happened while he wasn't well is very very unfortunate and for the sake of the girls in question you know if it's the truth he should he should do what he did for me which is making amends because that's but if it's but if it's fabricated that's really sad um but I I will never know because I only had my experience with him I didn't have anybody else's yeah and that's what it's all about listen you're only here telling your experience and your story and it's such a touchy subject but like I say if the girls are telling the truth by all means then it should be punished but if it's fabricated and they're out to get them and they're out to damage and they're out to cancel them then that's another story as well so it's just a case I let me play out like I say I like Russell Brand I love what he stands for I love all the stuff that he spoke about the natural things in life and making changes and being honest about these changes but then again it doesn't make you immune because you've made changes if you've done bad stuff in the past because it always can't come back and bite you in the air so we can only see the way it plays out but let's touch on this stuff because you're an artist as well and you've done music and let's talk do this stuff what's what's that art do you do so paintings really um I I work mainly in acrylic um but yeah painting was something that I as I said earlier you know I did it at school and I had that really horrible teacher and so I picked up the pencil again in rehab actually because they had um like a whole one of the therapies was art therapy so I found that it was just came like really naturally to me to express myself in that way and then lockdown happened and then that's all I did all day every day I just painted I did it was my way of like coping and yeah and it was also I was just thinking like well you know why shouldn't I do this who says I can't do this and lockdown for me I'm sorry to say because it was horrible for a lot of people but for me it was really good because my relapses started out with me just wandering into a pub usually and that wasn't an option of course I could have gone out and got boozed whenever I wanted but it made it a bit easier and then I taught myself how to paint by getting two printouts and painting on top of one of the printouts and making it look like like a painting and then eventually I started sketching and I didn't need the printouts anymore and now like I've done two exhibitions solos and um and yeah it's like it's a wonderful anybody who gets to do what they love and get paid for it right that's that's winning that's what life's all about because I get to do what my purpose is um but yeah the the art business it's very cliquey it's very sort of you gotta know who you know um but I'm lucky to have a sort of core of very loyal collectors could always do with a couple more um hence all you miserable bastard so to get your hands in your pocket and supporter yeah that'd be nice thank you um I don't know um but no I mean you don't you must like my work yeah I don't care what your taste is just fucking buy it no not really um and then I also um I went to drama school somewhere in the in the brief history of my life there and um yeah I graduated in 2015 and then unfortunately you know that was when the addiction was really really bad so I didn't make it to auditions I fucked up everything I just ruined it but I did get to be the lead in a play in 2021 called white witch and it was an amazing experience and then I also invented this character called mrs fanny wingrove who is a 1950s housewife who is a little bit on the surface she's absolutely fine but underneath I really want to murder my husband you know like that type of person um and she was inspired actually by my first attempt at tinder um I just couldn't believe how chauvinists some men still were I could not believe it and so I thought okay okay all right yeah I can use that all right and then uh and I always liked the 1950s and my technicolor and all that and I happened to know a wonderful um a wonderful director video producer called spiros and and we worked together years ago actually but I got in touch with him and and we we made about nine episodes um and we are yeah we were sort of it's ongoing we have a new set so fanny's got her own house now it's really cool um and yeah I'm just trying to find the line of like what I can make fun of and what I can't because really like all of all of the craziness is actually me it's it's my craziness and it's coming out in a way that's safe yeah so that's it but good on you listen for making all the changes I'm proud of you like I ain't hard people need to understand the life that you had listen the old girl school it's not as extreme but you know the damage it can do at you becoming the drink the drugs having a affair with a high profile name getting thrown into the line late slut shaming losing yourself fat shaming as well everything and just people need to understand how hard it is to make changes and for you to do that it's a brave thing to do you're trying to make amends like I say we've only just started speaking but I'm proud you know how fucking hard it is to make changes and people don't know the struggle this is why these long formats are good as for people to understand you wait a minute she's actually not had it easy she's not just a a girl who's slept with someone and try to use it for fame probably and you're mind you did but you've not threw the guy under the bus you could be sitting here creating views making fortunes and absolutely destroying that guy even more I can't do it I can't not tell the truth because if I don't tell the truth I'm going to drink simple yeah where do you go forward for the future so um at the moment um I am going to be filming more fanny business and yeah it's called fanny business and um we're going to do like feature length episodes now we've only got like little five minute ten minute ones um and also I'm going to continue with my art career and um might do a couple more exhibitions um and yeah I'm open to like other other things I mean somebody was talking to me about presenting a program so that might be cool um but yeah really I'm just like as long as I do the next right thing and I try to go to bed at night without having been a bitch to anyone then that must be harder it really is it really is because some people bloody deserve it but you're already doing that thing and because really if you've lived in who your grandfather was and who you had the relationship with you could write a book well I have I have I do have like some sample chapters of a book but the the ghost writer I was working with got cold feet because obviously you know things are mentioned but I guess it's all right now because everybody said it yeah but this is everything that's happening now use it to build your platform use it to make money use it to do the right things and there's no shame in speaking to myself or I see you on other news channels and listen promote yourself this is fucking business as well and you're doing the right thing try to speak right you I would use it as much as I can I don't want somebody to be involved in a witch hunt because I was involved in a witch hunt and it's it's it's life changing it's life destroying and I think this country loves a witch hunt and burn the witch and it's like life isn't that fucking simple you know it's it's not black and white and so just look look under the surface and see like actually there's tons of layers to this why do you think the half target is him I don't know I see I knew this was in the pipeline for a really long time because they'd been calling me for three years and and yeah I guess he's saying some things that they don't want him to say simple as that and it's cancel culture gone mad demonetizing him like who cares who really cares he's got so many followers like just just leave it but demonetize them shows you well wait a minute the guy's not being charged he's only got accusations of demonetize them but then again if they put much fucking pressure or half the pressure on the Epstein's fucking list then maybe okay the media is doing the right thing you're the first Glenn Maxwell where's the where's the list yeah I know where the list is a high-profile name but we're not here for a call about that yeah so listen like I said I've had people on who were free under the bus or cancelled and I think I know how dark it can be out there with the media listen there's good people working media as well yeah but I wouldn't like I've keep saying the women who've came forward they could be telling the truth they might be making it up I think there's always a bit of both so we've got to stop I've got a kind of play to say because I don't have the answers but I'm not daft and I see things definitely from the majority people's well but we can only see how it plays out for anybody that's watching that's in the life of struggle right now what advice would you have for them there's help out there um if it's an addiction then I would highly recommend you know recovery groups um and if you're feeling suicidal just call someone like call even call the emergency services they'll come and get you you know if but that's not recommended you know please just talk to somebody there's there's ton there's mind there's the Samaritans just talk to somebody because I always say like if I go into my head by myself it's like walking through a bad neighborhood alone and so I like to go into my head with a therapist or my sponsor or somebody from the fellowship and I think you don't need to spend tons of money on rehabs there's there's very effective 12 step recovery around that has been working for almost 100 years for people and I think yeah just this moment is going to pass we don't live in one feeling we don't we don't suddenly go into anxiety and stay there for the rest of our lives is transient you know we change and and the good feelings go and it's just the the salt and pepper of life you know see me just before we finish up we're seeing you were doing the peep show stuff where you paid by the hour where you paid with our amount of people who came out and paid by the hour it was fucking cheap yeah see we aren't even getting no no no it was a flat rate you must have seen some weird bastards on there do you get to see their face yeah it was horrible ha ha beam tom did you ever see that fucking face actually no Georgina for coming on out there I've actually really enjoyed your story I think it's amazing what you're doing I'm proud of you thanks for having me I look forward to seeing you hitting your four years step and getting you getting a badge you're getting a oh yeah I've got the coin yeah see like I stopped collecting coins because I don't I don't want to be applauded like a celebrator well yeah it's just like this is just my life now you know but it's important in the in the early stages to celebrate every single day because the more distance between you and your last drink the the easier it's going to get and your life my life as a rule of thumb just continues to improve the longer I stay in recovery good on yeah like for people who's maybe want to get in contact I'll reach out and ask about recovery I'll try to make changes how can you get in contact so I have an Instagram it's Georgie London art and I also have a website it's Georgina Bailey art.com Georgina listen for coming on today like I say it's amazing what you've done it's a it's a good story it's a lot of darkness but you're out the side now you're out the other side you've got light you've got positivity it's amazing I wish you nothing but the best for the future god bless you and take care thank you