 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic, why, what his inconsistent behavior is due to, is because of this. I forgot the title already. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Lastly, these are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony. Very similar to the videos I shoot my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a private group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and based on the questions you post in the group I shoot personalized videos just for you. So check out the link below to my VIP group. All right, let's talk about his inconsistent behavior is because of this. All right, so first I want to address the pink elephant in the room and what I mean by pink elephant in the room is the fact that most human beings are rather clueless to the mechanics of a healthy happy relationship. And what I mean to say is, and really quickly, most of my audience is in midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement. So when a man is in his 20s and 30s, he's oftentimes if he's genuinely on the hunt for a spouse, he operates from a completely different perspective when he's in the hunt mode for a relationship. Because when he's when a person is looking for a spouse, whether it's a man or woman, they operate completely different. And I'm going to share one of the reasons why in a moment, the challenge with most midlife relationships is while men are seeking connection and companionship and sex, what oftentimes is missing is that deeper understanding of commitments, or repeat that that deeper understanding of commitment. And sadly, most human beings are hyper focused on the chemistry rather than the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. You're probably wondering, what does this have to do with inconsistency? Well, I'm going to get to that in a second. Okay, so bear with me. So coming back to chemistry, there's this complete deception for both men and women alike that chemistry equals relationship success. And I want to ask you, I want to ask you, think back to how many times you've had amazing chemistry with a guy. Did it work out in the long run? Are you single still? Even after having amazing chemistry? What went wrong in the relationship when you had this amazing chemistry with one another? Why didn't it work out? It's because most humans, most men in particular, I did a video on this before, most men in particular, look at relationships from the perspective of they seek, there's a saying that men seek sex hoping for love. And women hope for love and give sex, okay? And what that basically means is when someone, when a man is on the hunt and you know how much you've heard about how men love the hunt, they love the chase and they love the competition and they're going to claim you because they're in this hunt mode, what are they hunting? They're hunting sex. They're not hunting a fully committed relationship. This is why it's so naive to buy into this rhetoric and it's why I'm such a big proponent of starting to educate yourself on the understanding of the mechanics of a healthy, happy relationship. But then you're asking yourself, well you've been in relationships with men and their behavior has been inconsistent. They're erratic. They disappear. They take space. They need time apart from you. They stop communicating. They stop texting. Well this is what I want to lean in today because if you understand why this happens, you can start to predict the person's behavior and when you can predict someone's behavior, you can begin to make better choices. In fact, what I'm about to share with you is going to help you so much that you'll be able to actually start to, your intuition will start firing on all cylinders versus operating from the fantasy way and sadly, and I say this to so many of you women that reach out to me for private coaching, most of you think of relationships up in the clouds, up into the 40,000 foot level, the fantasy level, the belief that love will just solve everything, that if we love each other, it's just going to be magical. Here's the thing and I said this in a previous video. Love is certainly the icing on the cake. A relationship requires something more for it to actually build roots to deeper intimacy. I'm going to repeat that. It requires roots to build deeper intimacy and intimacy is into me you see, into me you see. All right. So what causes a man to be inconsistent? Well, I want to differentiate really quickly between men will be inconsistent if they're going through some level of stress in their life. If they have just some normal everyday type of stress, a man and or a woman might take space for themselves when they're feeling stressed out. Now, here's the thing. When a man is in a healthy happy relationship, that space that they might take that inconsistency will almost be negligible. It might be 24, it might be 48 hours. It's not going to be very long and you probably understand this and you're going to naturally recognize this with them. You're not going to give him space because he's already taken it. I love all these videos. Give a man space. If a man has already taken space, you can't give him more space. What you can certainly do in those cases where it's just a temporary type of thing because he's going through normal stress, it's just, you know, focus on yourself. That's okay to do that. We don't have to be constantly texting each other 24-7. In fact, I think back when I met my wife back, this was back in the 90s. I think back, you know, but this was before cell phones. We didn't check in all the time. When I was married, I didn't even check in with my spouse. Why is the need to check in so, you know, so integral part of the fabric of relationships today? Well, I think I do understand the why because the reality is committed relationships are actually becoming rare, genuine committed relationships. There's certainly companionship, connection, and sex. In fact, Esther Perrell calls this stable ambiguity and stable ambiguity simply means that there's exclusivity and monogamy and it's ambiguous as to where the relationship going and I'm laughing here because that's so true. So, some of the reasons why men become inconsistent and this is so critically important because as I seared with you, this is going to help with your intuition. I'm going to put on my trusty glasses. I'm going to share this with you. So, his inconsistent behavior. So, number one, he has a contentious relationship with an ex-spouse, an ex-partner, or maybe he's still in love with his ex-spouse or his ex-partner. When somebody has a contentious relationship or still cares for someone, again, I said earlier they might want connection and sex from you and they might not be ready for a fully committed relationship because their energy is elsewhere. Let me repeat that, their energy is elsewhere. This is why I highly recommend asking better questions in the early stages of dating. In fact, my whole coaching program, my private coaching program, is designed to teach you how to ask better questions right from the get-go, right from the get-go. So, you can avoid the people like the man I'm about to share right now and you can actually begin to attract a more, we'll call them high value, high quality, emotionally available, emotionally mature man. So, he's got a contentious relationship or maybe he still cares for his ex. Number two, his professional life is in chaos. He has work issues. Anybody who has work issues, anybody who has chaos in their professional life, the foundation underneath them doesn't feel solid and if the foundation doesn't feel solid, they're going to naturally be, they're going to be consistently inconsistent. Let me repeat that, they're going to be consistently inconsistent because that is taking up so much of the person's brain power that they can't actually genuinely invest into the relationship. Number three, his time with you is a mismatch. His time with you is a mismatch. What I mean to say is, listen, I'm all for establishing right from the get-go, right from the very, you know, by the time you get to the third, well certainly by the time you have sex with someone, I think you should establish what is the standard you're looking for in a relationship. What is the standard? So, let me give you an example. My standard for a relationship looks like this. We spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building schools both in our personal and our professional life, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy, leading to either getting married or living together. That's my standard. So, let's say your standard's the same, but the guy's standard is, I just want to see you every other week when I don't have my children and I just want you at my beck and call. When somebody's standard is that and your standard is this, there's a mismatch and it's going to lead to absolute inconsistent behavior because he's going to feel the weight, the weight of your wanting this and he's here and that space in between is oftentimes called drama. It's called drama. Oh, by the way, I see my t-shirt. It says, say Ferris, say Ferris and today I have my Scooby Dooby Doo mug. All right, it's a mismatch of what you're looking for in a relationship. Number four, he's got issues with his family and or his children. He's got issues with his family or children. Ladies, I want to lean into this for a second because you have to pay attention to this and I see this frequently. In fact, it happens right from the very get-go when two people are communicating with one another. Typically these days, most people are meeting through an online connection. In fact, roughly about 50% of all new relationships are happening through these little devices and I got to tell you, it's probably going to increase to 60, 70 or 80%. The days of organic meeting are becoming few and far between and most people are connecting through these online mediums through this device. What I'm here to say is a lot of men and women as well use online dating as a new form of therapy, as a new form of therapy and I know this because I think back to my first year after my divorce, I was a train wreck and I used to get on the phone for hours and hours at a time, sometimes with multiple women in any given week and it was like literally free therapy. I mean, I once had an eight-hour conversation talking about all my problems and you ladies are these beautiful human beings that will listen and sadly you also enable us because you're enabling us by allowing us to just vomit all of our emotional feelings, our problems and the problem is a lot of you think this is intimacy. It is not intimacy when a guy is vomiting his problems to you and if he's got issues with family and or children it's going to make his behavior very inconsistent and so again you might have connection and sex and you're also his therapist. In fact one of my Pilates instructor calls this type of guy AT&T meaning he's just on the telephone to seek therapy. Can any of you folks relate to this if you can? Please post a comment below. Have you been his therapist and I want you to also look at your own behavior when you're engaging in that type of conversation. A real relationship is built through a hundred hours of face-to-face time just to get to layer one of trust and it is through social activities, hobbies, mutual interest, spending time with family and friends and lastly he doesn't have a plan for commitment nor is he ready to take care of someone. He doesn't have a plan for a commitment nor is he ready to take care of someone. Here's the thing the vast majority of men and women alike are only capable of that companionship connection and sex. They've actually resigned themselves not to wanting to take care of someone. I've heard women say to me I don't want to be his nurse or his purse okay. Now I know that usually means you don't want to date older men that are going to be problematic but ultimately what is a fully committed relationship? A fully committed relationship says we're going to be there for richer for poorer through sickness and help through thick and thin. That's really the crux of a healthy happy relationship is a full level of commitment. So this is just why some of the inconsistent behavior happens and I want to prepare you ahead of time before you fall into this rabbit hole going forward and if you're not familiar with my relationship Iceberg I'm going to show this with you really quickly. You can see above the lotter line it says the word attraction and we talk about chemistry. Remember I said the deception of chemistry earlier? What's more important is understanding shared values and blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity that is the more important thing to focus on in a relationship and that's why I consistently encourage every one of you to check out the book Eight Dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. This is the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship. When you start right from the get go before you're physically intimate with a man I highly recommend purchasing two copies of this book. If you reach the level where there's remember there's that chemistry and you're doing a little bit of vetting for one another and you decide you want to explore the sexual part and say hey guess what before we get there and you seem like you genuinely want to get to know me for a fully committed relationship right and the guy gives you the bullshit answer yes and I say the bullshit answer meaning this is where you actually test him his medal. If you purchase two copies of this book and you say let's read this book together to really see if we're on the same page with honor to see if we share the same values to see if our lifestyles are actually blendable and lastly to see if we're both emotionally mature enough to be in this relationship because the vast majority of people are actually emotionally dysfunctional and if you're not familiar with this chart that I've created I call it the emotional maturity relationship skills chart by the way you can see on the bottom that says this is not a fact this is an opinion but I believe roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues they're narcissists they're borderlines they're sociopaths they're bipolar and not that those things can't be worked on certainly in some cases medication can help some of those folks to be in a relationship it's going to be problematic if they're not addressing their issues those people that are in that clinical category okay again they can be in relationship it doesn't mean it's going to be a good healthy relationship now over here I say it's roughly about 20% of the population is healthy emotionally healthy and as good relationship skills I'm being ridiculously generous when I say it's 20% it's probably closer to five or three percent and then most everyone else is dysfunctional why is this important to understand and by the way this is true of men and women alike I know you ladies think it's 90% of men are dysfunctional you're all perfect I can't begin to believe how many women are blind to their own dysfunctionality I see this as a man out in a dating realm how dysfunctional women can be and mainly because you bought into the fantasy that love will solve everything and all I have to do is sit back in my feminine energy and the man will claim me you guys know why I like to joke about that because I just think it's it's it's comical the fantasy way of dating and so here my advice is all designed to help you get a better picture on the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship because when you understand this you can predict what's going to happen next and when you can predict what's going to happen next you can actually begin to make better choices so you're not going to invest in somebody whose lifestyle is chaotic and the ground underneath them isn't solid that causes a man's behavior to be inconsistent here's the thing most men are good guys most men are good human beings there are firemen there are policemen and I mean I know there's women that do these professions as well there are doctors and lawyers and we'll exclude lawyers from that category I'm just kidding most men are good people most humans have poor relationship skills and this is one of the main reasons why we're seeing such dysfunctionality in the dating realm and it is a mess out there there's no doubt so what's most important it starts folks if you haven't read my book what the heck is self-love anyway I highly recommend reading my book what the heck is self love anyway it's journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work so then when you're experiencing some of this frustration it's not going to cause you to be imbalanced this is a vaccination to emotional chaos by the way there's a link below to get my book and there's so many books I recommend and I know many of you go Jonathan all you do is recommend books folks for fifteen twenty dollars you can buy you can buy for a hundred and fifty dollars you can buy ten great books check out the link below to my recommended books that will absolutely change your life that will absolutely change your life and that's my invitation for you don't buy into the fantasy narrative that chemistry equals relationship success and please show this video to men as well if men start watching my channel I know a lot of guys are going to reject what I have to say and maybe if you start introducing this video to the men who are out there you might have actually you might want to share this video to a man you're dating right now just so you can have a dialogue about what's going on that's intimacy when you can talk about these things instead of how's your day going are you having a good day I hope you're having a good day please have a blessed day everything is all about how good your day is instead of getting to the heart of the matter and that's my invitation for you is get to your heart through this work that I'm recommending are you with me if you are give me a thumbs up give me an amen in this video share this video with your friends I'd really appreciate it by the way as I shared before all the links below in the description of how to get a hold of me to join my group and to purchase my book and also follow me on instagram and you can write me a personalized message there all right we're going to wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic job the bear of self love in my safe Ferris t-shirt I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear a teddy bear this is my salty teddy bear nicknamed after after my son Connor or a pillow give it or them a great hug because we could always use a little more love in our lives and hugs our great source of love I want to thank you so much and wishing you a super duper wonderful day bye now