 So oftentimes I'm asked can a casual relationship ever becomes Serious and one of our members posted an interesting comment in the group that I thought would be worth exploring So I want to give you the quick Context of this she's been casually in a relationship with someone for two years They see each other once a week. They hang out they cook They go out once in a while enjoy each other's company. The sexual chemistry is great Okay, so that's just to lay some of the context She is a widower she's a widowed This relationship he takes her to the airport he does a lot of We'll call them husband duties in the relationship But it's still a casual relationship and lately some of her girlfriends have been talking to her about asking for something more and When she did the two of them took a three-week break in the relationship and she said she was miserable So when they got back together after these three weeks, he basically said look, I'm not seeing anyone else But I won't stop you wait. She goes I Told them that I'm okay with it I'm just confused when I listen to other people I have to stop anyway We decided to continue on he said he's not looking for anyone else But if I want but if I want to he won't stop me because he feels that I might want more than he's willing to give so basically He's alluded to look I like you. I like spending time with you But I am not going to choose a Significant serious relationship that leads to either moving in together getting married. He is happy with the casual relationship so this got me thinking about And a different dynamic and let's say you're working for a company You get your you know, they give you a salary you go into work but you're not happy with this company you work for okay and So you decide to go out in the you know, you start to you go out and start looking for another job Okay, and you might go on interviews and things like that You go out on other jobs Because you want to replace the job you're in right now for a better job So it's got me thinking okay, you're in a relationship with someone It's there's an agreed Monogamy I guess there's agreed. There's not a real agreed exclusivity or agreed Plan of action and this is a two-year relationship and keep in mind She was widowed and so she was in a very happy relationship with her husband but prior to passing away and I suspect she is in midlife somewhere between the ages of 50 or 60. Okay Coming back to the job search Well, you see I'm a big proponent of two people are in a relationship with one another They shouldn't actively be looking for another relationship That's kind of a commitment you made with one other and yet he's clearly said we are not in exclusive Relationship we are since we might be monogamous with one another while we're having regular sex together, but we're not in an exclusive relationship So this gives her an opportunity to go shopping for a new job That's right. She gives her the opportunity to shop for a new job The challenge is the shopping process is completely dysfunctional the shopping process is absolutely chaotic and So and it's rather frustrating So Heidi and by the way, they only see each other once a week So she has plenty of time to go shopping. She can go shopping Should she go shopping? So she asked the group, you know, what are your thoughts and one of the members said look what got you in trouble was Listening to other people and I thought that was rather interesting Because truthfully we all have the answers within ourselves of what we should do. We have an inner guidance system That's so few folks know how to tap into their inner guidance system if you need some help and support on that I highly recommend reading the book The untethered soul by Michael Singer the untethered soul by Michael Singer I highly recommend this book This is a great book to learn how to tap into Your intuition by the way, there's another book I Think it's by Malcolm Gladwell. I could be mistaken, but it's the book called blink BLINK I forget the author But it teaches us how to tap into our intuition Now I suspect her intuition is very clear. This is not going to turn into something serious So this begs the deeper question. What does she want? What do you want? Do you want a fully committed relationship and that leads to either moving in together getting married? Is that what you want? Because at the same time we can also choose casual relationships because it fulfills a need in the in the in the Present I was about to say short run but in the present because this relationship could go 10 20 years for all I know I mean it's hard to say where it's going to go If you're happy with the relationship It's kind of like the job if you're happy with the job Then you shouldn't be looking for another job But if you're not happy with the job you're in But if it fulfills some of your needs then the question is should you go looking for a new job using that analogy? And these are really tough questions for people to explore Is it better to be in something that isn't perfect than trying to put yourself out there? See now she's given her permission to go look so it costs her nothing to go look You know it costs her nothing to put herself out there and who knows she might replace the job She might but then could it bleed into could that effort you know Like where does the line become like if you meet someone new but you're not really sure about them But you get physically intimate and you have sex with your you know your current partner This is where things start to lines get blurry okay now Maybe two years earlier She could have set her standard as being one that she wants a Monogamous exclusive relationship with the title of boyfriend and girlfriend Before the penis ever goes inside the vagina that would have been one thing to do early on to set that standard But that didn't happen And by the way, there's no guarantee even in a fully committed relationship. It's gonna work out By the way, two people can live together two people can get married and it still might not work out They might go in with the best intentions. It might not work out So then the question becomes are you happy with the relationship as it stands? Like is she happy with the relationship as it stands as It stands in other words, can you find fulfillment the way it stands? Can you be in a state of appreciation and gratitude? Gratitude because here's the thing. We're not gonna get everything we want out of a relationship and quite frankly As many of you know, I lost a child. So I recognize that Something can happen in a moment You know, so if something doesn't go with the future Am I happy in the present? I suspect this man is happy in the present of this relationship And so there's no need to make a change You know, he's happy with a part-time relationship Now someone said this is toxic. Is that toxic if there's honesty up front? Is that toxic? I don't know You know, if you're if you're aware of it and the person has been completely upfront. There's no toxicity there I'm just a responding to a comment. I see So what so should we go should we go job shopping? You know, I don't know, you know, I've always been against it But at the same time, you know, there are people that change jobs and find there they find a perfect job After they've left the job they're in Sometimes they leave a great job. This happened to a friend of mine They had this great job, but they got the promise of a they got promised Ownership in a company and partnership within the company And he left his great job you left I mean, we're talking about a $500,000 a year job to be the owner of this other company and to be a partner in everything Only to find out it was a sham See we can all think that we're going in with the best intentions He was very happy with his job, but then the ego said well, I need something better And he left this great profession to only to find out that he was and he was literally in a panic for for over two years Does he grave gave up this great opportunity? These are some of the questions we might have to ask one ourselves because can a casual relationship ever become serious Yeah, it can it can or it can go the other way You know, Lori says Laura says the grass isn't greener on the other side This is the tricky part of relationships because when we're in a sea of hook ups friends with benefits Situationships casual relationships serious relationships living together getting married. These are all the different forms of romantic encounters It's no wonder. It's rather confusing because up until about a hundred years ago. It was really clear-cut You either got married. You got married to have sex. That was it. It was clear-cut Okay, it's only been in the last 50 or 60. By the way, dating is a relatively new phenomena You know, we all heard the word courtship But courtship was I intend to marry you and these are the things I'm going to do to prove myself to you and this all happened in two to three weeks. Okay, that was courtship Dating is this long drawn-out process of what I sometimes call just a string of or just a friends with benefits Because dating is a part time getting to know someone for the most part You get the benefits of sex in many cases, but there's no real established commitment This is why Situationships have come about casual relationships come about And part of it is because there's no consequence for investing in another person Unlike it was hundreds and thousands of years ago. The consequence was pregnancy That was the consequence a baby was made. He says there are no consequences other than hurt feelings Do you know the number one emotional health issue people are faced with is I'm not good enough I'm not lovable and I'm not likeable and Dating and relationships trigger this like nobody's business because the real journey in my opinion The real journey is working on being the best version of yourself I was watching a Tony Robbins Video the other day and he says the best relationships are when two people show up as the best version of themselves And then they decide to share the best version of themselves with another person. They share the best version of themselves. I Think what he also would include is Integrating that into another person's life and to the extent that this person is into they've integrated He took her to the airport. He takes care of her dogs. He does some, you know partnership like duties It's only one day out of the week or maybe two maybe they get together on the weekends. I suspect Real integration goes beyond that So it so I'm just posing these as questions I'm inviting everyone to really sit and say what do you really want? Or what can you live with? Because let's face it. It is incredibly hard to find an emotional grown-up with Relationship skills that fact of the matter is is and ladies you guys are delusional as if you're all the exception to the rule I will tell you that there are for every man who's emotionally constipated There's a woman emotionally constipated the only difference is women tend to want commitment more so than that men want to spread their seed Women want commitment, but just because you want commitment doesn't make you any better at being in a relationship than a man because what you oftentimes do is silence yourself and That's emotional immaturity That's weak relationship skills if you're not able to communicate Your needs wants and desires if you have duct tape over your mouth, you're just as equally bad you just We consider men bad because they tend to be tend to be less Commitment oriented and women tend to be more commitment oriented, but doesn't necessarily mean you're good at relationships Two people could be commitment oriented and terrible at relationship could two people could be emotionally You know have good communication skills, and they still might not be right for one another These are all the things that we have to face and By the way, we can lose hope We can lose hope That's the hard part You know, I I was thinking about the difference between your and Tigger. Does anyone remember Winnie the Pooh? By the way, my coffee mug says swear a little you'll feel better. Does anyone remember Winnie the Pooh? Tigger bouncy the bouncy bounce bounce always happy always looking at the bright side of things You're woe is me Men are bad All men are users all men are narcissists. Oh my god. Narcissists narcissists narcissists I mean the ear goes on and on about narcissists all men are selfish All men are commitment phobic Tigger doesn't operate that way Tigger operates from the it's raining great men. It's raining great men. It's raining great men Who do you want to be Do you want to be your the defeatist the one that's already lost or do you want to be Tigger? You want to say you know what doesn't matter and guess what if I don't get it right at this lifetime I get to practice this again. I'm a believer that we we Have multiple lives in our in our evolution of our soul Thousands of lives if you will You get to do it again. Maybe what you learn this time Maybe what you should be focused on is what did I learn? What what positive things did I learn about myself in my past? Relationships instead of pointing the finger at the guys and being a victim. Maybe that's one thing you can ask yourself How was I meant to heal from my past relationship? Or even the relationship I'm in right now. Ask yourself if any of you are in a relationship right now even this member What are you meant to heal from this experience? Let's take the word relationship out of the equation and say what am I meant to heal from this experience? Looking at it from the perspective of growth looking at it from the perspective of a victor Looking at it from the perspective of tigger and then invite yourself to ask what is good about this experience? And what am I most grateful for and for maybe this particular member? She can resign herself and say you know what it's okay to be in this relationship I get a lot of other things done during the day. I get a lot of other benefits Or maybe it's it's it's past a Rubicon and you can't you know, this isn't going to be healed this person is not Magic fairy dust doesn't change people. He's clearly stated who he is and what he wants and he's happy with a By the way, we this isn't a casual relationship. This is just a part-time relationship So if you're in a part-time relationship, you're welcome to go find a full-time job. Ah So remember we talked about before you're in this job. It's a full-time job You're not even in the job of this full-time job. You're in a part-time job. This casual relationship is really a part-time job You have every right. He's already given you permission to go seek and find someone else Now here's the tricky part Sometimes people don't appreciate what they have until they've lost it. That's the tricky part You guys were three weeks apart. You were the one climbing the walls He wasn't feeling enough pain in that moment people don't change unless there is deep pain So so okay, so now do you just end the relationship and pray see now? Here's the tricky part you can end the relationship and go well if he experiences enough pain if I don't communicate with him If I don't do anything he'll come back Now men always come back like rubber bands. Okay, they eventually will come back now the tricky part now They come back temporarily Because they think you're stupid and you'll you're they by the way men think by the way on a subconscious level We men think you're stupid that you're gonna be okay with crumbs because you've been feeling the pain See a real will woman who values herself says look I'm not going to engage in a new relationship and then until there's actually new behavior That new behavior in this particular case would be that you see each other three or four days and nights a week together Doing shared activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling together Teamwork building skills both in your personal and your professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy That's what would have to change but he can come back as a rubber band usually within 12 weeks so that's three months and He might temporarily give you a little bit more and You'll accept it because it's a little bit more because we men know you're stupid. Oh Jonathan that's so demeaning to tell a woman stupid all humans are delusional you by the way myself include it I'm a net job. Okay Some of my friends think I'm nutty for doing this profession a Meaning talking to women all day long. That's what my male friends think so so Here's what you can't do if you're going to end the relationship is Keep communication going that tether text messaging communication all that does is delay The opportunity for this person to recognize is this a relationship? He values not you is This over it does well it is kind of about valuing you does he want you in his life enough to Make a change and the only way he's going to recognize this is but the two of you are apart for at least 90 days and maybe 180 days, but you can't go in ending it hoping that happens because it might not happen In fact, it may never happen. You have to be willing to end the relationship because It's not working for you, but this is the tricky part you're happy With what does work and you're unhappy with what doesn't work. This is the this is the soul's journey Can we find happiness? Even if it's not good That's a good question Well actually not it's no that's not the question can we find happiness even if it isn't all that I want See, this is the thing about relationships. You don't get everything you want You can't get you can't get what you want to wait You wait, what's the Rolling Stone song? You can't get what you want. You get what you need, okay? There's a Joe Jackson song says you can't get what you want till you know what you want One of my favorite songs you can't get what you want until you know what you want What do you want? If you want something more than this relationship isn't going to provide it meaning you may never get it This is where we get that trapped in this tug of war this dilemma because well I'm getting some of what I want, but I'm not getting all of what I want But is the sum of what I want fulfilling enough and then if you're in gratitude for that What you're not getting might be an opportunity to heal Those places and you that you want more from yourself. That's the spiritual journey. Ah I've rattled off a lot of things here So coming back to and the analogy of a profession First off, you're not in a full-time job with this person. So you have every right to go shopping for a new job It's a part-time job and you have every right to go find a full-time job Or as you can find a second part-time job This gets tricky because I'm not a big proponent of people sleeping with multiple people I'm just not a big fan of that but you know, maybe Maybe maybe we should be doing that. I don't like the word should or we You have to do what's right for you But you know, you can be you know, you can be dating another you you're welcome to have another part-time job With someone else now that person might not appreciate her. He might be happy with the two. Did you ever see the movie must love dogs? There's a scene where Christopher Plummer is a widower and he clearly did not want a Significant relationship. He had three girlfriends. Okay, and the girlfriends knew of each other. They socialized together They were happy with the part-time relationship, but those women could go out and find part-time relationships as well And you might be thinking well Jonathan this goes against your teachings I'm here to say what might my most important message I invite everyone to explore for themselves is what do you want in life? From a spiritual perspective from a divine perspective from a soul's perspective really focus on healing oneself That's the real Jewel in this journey. We call life is how to learn to embrace and love ourselves It's listen. I'm on this journey myself It's why I wrote a book called what the heck a self-love anyway a journey of personal development self-help and spiritual work My point of bringing this up is because I need it just as much as I'm sharing everyone else I am not the master at this. This isn't I'm just inviting everyone to begin a journey and Relationships are a great container for healing So if we can look at it from that perspective, maybe oh someone says why would anyone want two part-time jobs? They are literally no benefits Well, some people have multiple jobs my son has he has a job He has he has side gigs all around now. There's nothing to do with relationships But maybe fulfillment doesn't have to come in a traditional sense. I don't know I mean just inviting everyone to explore this for themselves. So coming back to our member First off, thank you so much for having the courage of sharing this. I hope you get value in this conversation I'd like to hear your thoughts on what I just shared as it relates to your experience and more importantly Everyone is watching I'd like to hear how this relates to your own experience Can a casual relationship ever become serious? Maybe maybe yes, maybe no, we don't know but what's most important is the relationship you have with yourself Can that casual relationship you have you with yourself become serious? And that's my invitation for everyone. Hey, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this Please post a comment below if this resonated with you if you have something to add As always if you found value in this group, please tell your friends about midlife love mastery Send them to my website Jonathan asly.com have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group And if you've been watching the YouTube video, please like this video, please share this with your friends Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrett of self love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear a pillow and give it or them a hug of love That's hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye. Bye now. Bye. Bye