 I'm Darren Marlar, and this is your Daily Dose of Weird News. The tabloid headline at the supermarket checkout line last week claims that Kenny Rogers ruined my life. Well, if the lady's name is Lucille, then it's her fault because she's the one who left him. In a fine time she did, too. During next year, McDonald's will be using fresh beef in their quarter-pounders. Translation, what you're eating now is past its expiration date. A company has released what is purported to be the world's strongest coffee. It packs over five times the caffeine power of a normal cup of coffee. It's so strong, in fact, that during testing, not a single person fell asleep while watching the new chips movie. A 20-year-old woman in St. Louis has been banned from Tinder after making hundreds of dollars because her profile said, �Send me $5 and see what happens.� So she's banned for taking advantage of gullible idiots? That's what the home shopping network does. They still have their own cable channel. An American Airlines pilot died in the air right before the jet landed Wednesday in Albuquerque. Fortunately, the emergency blow-up co-pilot was available to take over. A teenager in China who suffered from headaches was horrified to discover they started because of a worm living inside his brain. The four-inch-long parasite entered Wen Xiaoli's body as a larva when he accidentally cut his hand and traveled up through his body to live in his head while it grew into an adult. It had been there for two years by the time doctors operated, opening up his skull so that they could pull out the worm, which was still wriggling. Neurosurgeon Yang Ziquan said it was alive, it was still moving inside the brain. The operation was not easy and came with risks. Dr. Yang said, �That's why we had to pull it out slowly and carefully.� Fortunately, the teen is doing well and now recovering. Amazon is shutting down diapers.com and other less-than-profitable sites that they own. But you never heard of diapers.com? Well, that's probably why they're shutting it down. Retired Lieutenant General Michael Flynn, who briefly served as National Security Advisor to President Trump, is said to be seeking immunity from prosecution in exchange for testifying to those conducting investigations into the president's ties to Russia. Uh-oh, Nixon's people, they didn't start asking for immunity until five or more years into his presidency. Police in Melbourne, Florida are looking for a woman who allegedly tried to pay for items in a store using what authorities described as an �old dirty jar of pennies� before getting into an argument and threatening to kill the store clerk when he rejected said payment method. The woman left the store and returned with two guns, which she bought at Walmart using an old dirty jar of pennies. Another couple you may not be aware of, Sir Tom Jones and Priscilla Presley. But Priscilla has gone from Elvis to Tom Jones? Either way, there's a whole lot of shaking going on. A man resembling Santa Claus was arrested in the Florida Keys last week, and while spring and summer are vacation time for the jolly old elf, we know for a fact that the RST was not actually Santa Claus, but Fidel Guitarelle Gonzalez-Guitares. The 58-year-old white-bearded man was arrested on six outstanding warrants for selling cocaine. We know Santa doesn't use cocaine to fly. He uses magic beans. FBI Director James Comey says sometimes the agency has to choose between bad and worse. Hey, so do voters! The Rockies and Padres were playing a spring game last week in Arizona when all the players hit the deck to avoid a swarm of bees passing through. By the way, if this ever happens to you, the number one thing to remember is that when being surrounded by bees, don't act like a flower. Thinking he might run for president? California Governor Jerry Brown. I would say that it could never happen, but… well, Donald Trump. Carl's Jr. and Hardy's say they will no longer show sexy burger girl ads, meaning you now have absolutely zero reason to go to Carl's Jr. or Hardy's. Scientists have proven you can grow potatoes on Mars, so Matt Damon was right all along. It very well could have been the world's deadliest photo bomb. Bianca Dickinson was just trying to take a nice photo of her two-year-old little girl Amali in front of some wheat fields when Australia's second deadliest snake, an eastern brown, slithered into the picture frame. Dickinson didn't realize the snake was there until a few seconds after she snapped the picture. Luckily, the deadly reptile did not want any attention and kept to itself. The mom of four quickly grabbed her youngest before disaster could literally strike. Both Amali and the snake remain alive and well. Dickinson later told reporters she feels sick just looking at the photos. Mom and Dad, this is why you should probably cut back on the picture taking. Okay, actually, I'm just tired of seeing pics of your kids on Facebook every three minutes, but hey, you know what? Whatever works. A 16-year-old boy in Bosnia just broke a world record by smashing 111 concrete blocks with his head in 34 seconds. When asked why he did it, he replied, Tuesday. ABC has cancelled time after time after only five episodes, probably because you can get the entire storyline in less than two hours in a 1979 movie titled Time After Time. Alabama's Ufala High School is very clear in its prom rules. No taking grandma unless your grandma happens to be under the age of 20, which has left senior Bryce Mayne in a bit of a spot since he's already asked his grandmother, Catherine Mayne, to be his date to the special event because she was not able to go to her own prom. But the school says no way, insisting that for safety reasons, prom guests need to be all about the same age. What? Well, reportedly the school boards also are afraid that if they let Bryce bring nanny in all seriousness, well then others will want to do it as a joke at future proms. The Maine family is furious about this. They say grandmother has already bought a dress for the April 8th dance. Fellow students at Bryce's school are already pushing the let nanny go to prom hashtag on social media. One Twitter user notes what others are thinking. Of course the rules exist for good reasons, but common sense exists to tell them when exceptions should be made. When it comes to school rules, wow, you're naive. Good luck with that, but why do you think we have zero intelligence policies to begin with? It's so the school staff doesn't have to think. Crayola announced on Friday that it was retiring the color dandelion from its 24-count box. Somehow this was big news on Friday and no one's exactly sure why. The number one movie at the weekend, Box Office, was the animated feature Boss Baby. Wow, just imagine how awful the rest of the movie is opening over the weekend must have been. Vin Diesel says Fate of the Furious will be the best film you ever saw. And really, what reason could Vin possibly have for lying? WrestleMania 33 was held over the weekend and my 33-year WrestleMania missing streak remains intact. Budweiser says its beer will be brewed using renewable energy by 2025. Let's hope that's the only renewable resource they use. I'd hate to hear they're getting recycled water from bar room urinals. Some students at Yale say they have found an all-natural cure for hangovers. Okay, now can we get back to cancer? Others claim that CEOs who play a lot of golf run companies that tend to underperform, which completely explains the state of America during the Obama administration. A study says Americans over 60 are drinking more. You know what they say, 70 proof is the new 60. A Florida couple has set a world's record for seniors with more than 90% of their bodies covered by tattoos. I would never expect that to be part of someone's bucket list, but you have to each his own. At the John Ball Zoo in Grand Rapids, Michigan, one family's fun day out took an unfortunate turn with the grandmother ending up with a face full of poop, chimpanzee poop. A hilarious and at the same time sickening video shows the animal squatting and flailing its arms in its enclosure, much to the amusement of a crowd. Others are heard cheering at the chimps' antics until he responded by launching a big lump of poop into the crowd, while it landed squarely on the nose of an elderly lady seated in a wheelchair. As one woman shouted, it got grandma! Needless to say, the video is currently going viral, and judging by the look on grandma's face, she wasn't real happy about it. A new study finds that colicky babies in Canada cry more than those in other countries. Although I don't think it's the colic, I think they're crying about all the Americans coming across the border. A Massachusetts man is suing Dunkin' Donuts for putting fake butter on his bagel. Although the court is backed up with his lawsuits already pending about McDonald's coffee being too hot and how Captain Crunch has no actual crunch berries. Swedish and Norwegian newspapers didn't do any April Fool's Day jokes this year because of fears they might spread fake news. Meanwhile, in America, every day is April Fool's Day! In Florida, a guy robbed a Wendy's restaurant, and during the heist, the bandana covering his face fell off. On spite of the wardrobe malfunction, he got away with some cash. He returned to the same Wendy's four days later, not to rob the place again, but to order himself a few cheeseburgers and then argue with the clerk about getting incorrect change. Maybe he shouldn't have called so much attention to himself. Almost every worker in the place recognized him. The cops were called, and he was arrested. Although I will admit the burgers are that good. According to a new survey, Russian President Putin has an 80% approval rating. The remaining 20% could not be interviewed as they were either dead or in prison. The National Archives wants all of President Trump's tweets preserved for posterity. Apparently, people at the National Archives don't have teenage daughters, whom they've had to scold about how anything you post on the Internet lasts forever. Hundreds of wild parrots have been raiding poppy fields in India recently in order to get high on the flowers' opium. The dope-craving birds sit on trees near the poppies until workers slip open the pods to help the plants ripen more quickly. The parrots, having learned not to squawk, swoop down, nibble off the stalks, and fly back to the trees where they sleep for hours. Some of them can be seen circling or staggering before falling from the trees due to OD-ing on opium. Swag! Ah, Polly wants to order a pizza! A spokesman for the terror group ISIS says the United States is being run by an idiot now that President Trump is in office. ISIS are in a panic as to what to do now that they see eye-to-eye about something with ISIS. Defeche Mode says their new album will be about the state of the world today. I wait. I'm going to start getting depressed now. According to a new poll, President Trump's approval rating is now 35%, a number that's lower than President Obama had at any time in his presidency. But then that's just fake news, am I right, Donnie? You know the federal income return deadline is April 18th this year, right? That means you have three extra days in 2017 to file an extension. If you're driving through Vermont these days, watch out for the frogs. Seriously, it's that time of the year in which the Vermont Department of Fish and Wildlife is warning motorists to drive with caution due to the seasonal migration of frogs and salamanders. A DFW rep says frogs and salamanders become active on rainy spring nights as they search out breeding pools. These amphibian hotspots can lead to the death of thousands of animals on a single night. Anyone remember Frogger? That was an awesome video game, wasn't it? A 17-year-old girl swimming in the Gulf of Mexico was able to fend off a shark attack by punching the shark. The timing was perfect as she had just practiced the week before fending off boys on spring break. The state of Arkansas is preparing to execute eight men in 11 days. Well, that should boost Arkansas tourism. After saying he'd rather slit his wrists than make another Bond movie, it appears that Daniel Craig will be back for at least one more 007 film. Huh, I wonder how they'll explain the bandages around his wrists. James Corden is taking his late, late show to London this summer for three shows. Ah, karaoke in the car is going to be a lot more difficult driving on the wrong side of the road. An ambulance was called for a man suffering from psychiatric problems in Italy. When the ambulance arrived, the man decided to hop in the driver's seat and go for a joy ride. I guess they were right about those psychiatric problems. Tyler Clinton, the son of former President Bill Clinton's half-brother, Roger Clinton Jr., has signed on with a major modeling agency. Huh, a Clinton male surrounded by scantily clad women? That's a change. A Dutch student on his way to Sydney, Australia, somehow instead ended up in Sydney, Nova Scotia. I've looked all over the place, so where are all the kangaroos? Panera Bread is being purchased by the same people who own Krispy Kreme donuts. Panera will still offer the same healthy soups and sandwiches, but now with a delicious layer of icing. Pittsburgh High School, located in Kansas, just hired Amy Robertson as their new principal at $93,000 a year. Little did she know, she had some hardcore journalists working on the school newspaper. Trina Paul, a senior and editor of the Booster Redux, said, "...she was going to be the head of our school, and we wanted to be assured that she was qualified and had the proper credentials." So the kids started doing some research and stumbled on some things that most might not consider legitimate credentials. Ms. Robertson quickly resigned. So what was the truth? The students tried to contact Corleens University, a private college where Robertson claims she got her master's and doctorate years ago. Unfortunately, Corleens closed in 1986 and wasn't operating when Robertson claims she attended. D'oh! They say that Taylor Swift has been busy in a Nashville studio working on her next album. Which means she has recently broken up with someone and is inspired to write some really angry songs. One bidder for President Trump's border wall wants to include a tourist deck with scenic views of the desert, while another wants to cover the wall with solar panels. Okay, I love the solar panels, idea, but scenic views of the desert? Yeah, over there. That's where we buried Viti to snitch. Over there. That's where we wept Mickey to ret. Bed Bath & Beyond has announced that it will continue to sell Ivanka Trump products. In other news, liberals are claiming Bed Bath & Beyond is run by capitalist pigs. Singer Barry Manilow has come out and admitted that he is gay. In other shocking news, Kanye West has confessed he's conceded. Man Down, a war thriller with Shia LaBeouf, debuted in the UK at a single theatre over the weekend and sold just one ticket. And my guess is that ticket was sold to Shia LaBeouf. Are you tired of the Transformers movies yet? Well if you're not, Paramount is going to make sure that you are before they finally stop making them. Michael Bay, who has directed every Transformers movie so far and is planning on departing the franchise after the upcoming Transformers The Last Night, recently confirmed that the studio has 14 different Transformers movies in some stage development. That's news like this that makes me wish sometimes we were under a dictatorship so we could sentence people in Hollywood to the death penalty. Police in Norway caught an assault suspect trying to escape. The suspect was naked and trying to flee on a single roller skate. It would have been fun just to let the guy go though, just so you could put out an APB on a naked guy on one roller skate just to see what happens. A New Jersey teenager has to make a decision soon most high school seniors can only dream of, deciding on which Ivy League school to attend in the fall. The problem, and it's a good problem, is that she was accepted into all eight of them. Plus, Stanford and Ivy Plus school. If Yoma White Thorpe said she was shaking when she got the 8th acceptance letter. We had a term for kids like this when I was in school, not allowed to sit at the cool kids table at lunch because they screwed up the grade curve. If you liked this video please give it a thumbs up and be sure to subscribe if you want to see more. And click that little bell next to the subscribe button to be notified when I post new videos. And if you're already an official weirdo, please share this video on your own social media to help the channel grow. Have you signed up for the Marlar Sheet? It's the official newsletter of Marlar House. Subscribers to the Marlar Sheet are automatically entered in prize drawings, contests and promotions. This month one of my Marlar Sheet subscribers will win a Weird Darkness t-shirt and coffee mug. Sign up for the Marlar Sheet free today at DailyDoseOfWeirdNews.com. For more weird news anytime to sign up for my newsletter to download my free mobile app or to get a DailyDoseOfWeirdNews t-shirt or coffee mug, visit DailyDoseOfWeirdNews.com. I'm Darren Marlar and I'll see you next time, Weirdos!