 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com, and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, The Four Ways to Activate a Man's Deepest Desire. And number two is my favorite. Alrighty, really quickly, before we get started, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Also, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. It's direct, a little tough love, and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I'd suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions. By no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my hope is that I shift your perspective and it's okay if you don't agree with me. All right, let's jump into those four ways to deeply activate a man's desires. And I'm really excited about this one. So I bet a lot of you think that a man's deepest desire is sex, right? And it probably seems that way because most men come on strong. We are driven biologically from a sexual perspective. So there is an element of truth that that is one of our strongest desires in the early stages of dating. And this is oftentimes the result of the chemical cocktail that happens when you have chemistry with another human being. And that chemistry is like dopamine. It's like crack cocaine. You need that injection to get it. And that's what lust and limbrance is in the early stages of dating. I'm talking about beyond the early stages of dating. I'm talking beyond that space when you're actually starting to get to know one another at a more deeper, richer level. And let me just say this. I got a phone call from a client of mine who I worked with about a year and a half ago. And she was letting me know that she was celebrating her one year anniversary with her boyfriend. And we were just having a nice chat about everything. And when she shared something during the course of the conversation, it inspired me to want to shoot this video because one of the things she shared that he so much appreciates about her is what I'm about to share today. So we're gonna lean into those four ways to activate a man's deepest desires. And so let me just clarify that a man's deepest desire isn't just sex. Let me just clarify that. And while sex is important for both men and women and ladies, you want it as much as men. So there's something more that men want. And that's what we're gonna talk about today. And that is to feel respected, to feel respected. And I know you can appreciate this because as a woman, you want to feel respected as well. This is why it's a little bit frustrating when the guys come on strong and they might try to attempt to, try to push some boundaries, which might feel disrespectful. And that's just part of the mating process. I wanna lean into a deeper conversation of respect today because these are the things that make men happy to wanna be in relationship. And let me just say this. Listen, I know I criticize the dating process frequently. And I continually say, it's a clusterfuck out there. I get it. It is frustrating. And yet people are meeting every single day. People are falling in love every day. There are great relationships happening for lots of people out there. And yet you might be thinking, well, why isn't it happening for me? Well, this is what my channel is all about, is to explore all the different ways that we can look at human behavior, at dating, mating, and relating in maybe a different way that might shift your perspective more into that compassionate dating that I talk about so frequently. So going back to respect. You know, let's face it. There's a different, you know, the reality is as oftentimes it isn't so much that you're respecting the guy. It's that your actions actually might seem like you're disrespecting him. And if you're not familiar with the work of John Gottman, and one of the books I frequently talk about is the book Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. But the Gottmans talk about something called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse in relationship. And that is contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling. I'm gonna repeat that. Contempt, criticism, defensiveness, and stonewalling, and all of those actions lead to oftentimes treating someone with disrespect. So today I'm gonna share four examples that I hope might give you some insight of maybe doing some things a little bit different way to help shift your relationship going forward. And again, my number two is my favorite. So I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses. As you can see there are my notes. And we're gonna jump into those four ways to activate some man's deepest desires. So number one is actually my friend, Ariel Ford. If you're not familiar with the work of Ariel Ford, she wrote the book Soulmate's Secret, Wabi Sabi Love. I mean, she's just a fantastic human being. And one of the things she says is the sexiest thing a man can do is make reservations, make reservations. In other words, make reservations for dinner. And certainly there is an element when someone takes charge of something. It allows you to just, it doesn't allow you to be in your feminine energy. It just allows you to relax and be able to receive. I'm gonna repeat that. It allows you an opportunity to relax and just simply receive when someone takes charge. And this is true of whether men take charge or if a woman takes charges. In fact, ladies, if you're in a relationship with a guy and you've taken charge with someone, you want him to be able to receive that. So that's a healthy space to be. And yet one of the ways women oftentimes show disrespect instead of leaning into respect is to criticize his choice. I'm gonna repeat that, criticize his choice. And I'm remembering now, I was in a relationship with a woman. I live in a place called Redondo Beach. She lived in Marina Del Rey. It's about a 25 minute drive. And we'd been dating for about, oh, I'd say about five or six weeks. And I'd planned dinner for us in an, and first I said, you know, I'd asked her about, hey, are there any good places in your area? Because I didn't know her area to the same degree. I knew my own area. And she goes, you know, whatever you pick is fine. And I'm like, great. So I went on open table and picked her restaurant. And we were spending, this was on a Saturday. We had already been together the night before. So we were hanging out. And at one point she says, what restaurant are we going to? And I shared it. And I could see disdain in her face. I could see her cringe and kind of like, oh, ooh, kind of like that. And I said, what's up? And she goes, oh, that place is too loud. And of course, you know, as a person I want to make my partner happy, you know, I said, I went to an open table and canceled that reservation. I picked another place. And then she gave me another reason why that was wrong. And then I picked another place. I mean, seriously, I think I picked like 10 different places. Now, this was, now, by the way, I'm not dating this woman anymore because she's one of those people that is hard to please. But it got to the point where I felt like whatever choice I made wasn't good enough. And when men don't feel like, you know, when this is demonstrating a level of respect because ladies, if you want us to take charge, then be in a space of appreciation and gratitude instead of judgment or criticism. Remember I said the four horsemen of the apocalypse is criticism. When you criticize our choices, it makes us less likely to want to be in relationship with you. Okay, so that's number one. Number two, and this is my faith, is asking men for advice. Asking men for advice. There is no greater way to demonstrate respect than when you can ask someone their genuine advice about something and this reminds me of a story where I was on a second date with a woman and I picked her up at her home and she lived in a beautiful home and she walked me around, showed me her place and when we got to the kitchen to have a drink before we left for dinner, she had some tiles out and she said, Jonathan, I'm remodeling the kitchen. Which tiles do you think would fit best? Cause I'm kind of deciding right now. And just the fact that she asked my opinion, just the fact that she asked my advice, I thought about this quite a bit later, not so much in the moment, but I was really appreciative that she trusted me enough to ask my advice. And that made me feel better about this person. Now, while that relationship didn't go anywhere and actually we're still good friends with one another, it just wasn't a fit, it was a long distance relationship. I just really, this is one of those moments that stick out in my mind. I mean, we only dated about three or four times, but this one moment stuck out in my mind because there's, I believe, there's no greater level of treating someone with respect when you genuinely ask their opinion on something. It might be about finance. It might be, especially big opinions, not, you know, how do I look in this dress or what do you think of the shoes? I mean, those are personalized things. I'm talking about, and even though the tiles was personalized, but that felt like a big decision for her. So when you ask a man's opinion, that's a great way to demonstrate respect. Okay. Number three, express appreciation when he's done something for you. Express appreciation when he's done something for you. And I'm thinking in particular of this one time I was in a relationship with a woman who she was doing a radio show in a pretty different, kind of a, kind of a, I was gonna say a scary part of town. I mean, it wasn't, but that's the way she perceived it. And I happened to live 30 miles from her and she called me up one morning and say, hey, can you come here and take me to my radio show where she was a guest? And it happened to me, my day was wide open. So I said, sure. And I went to go pick her up and I drove her to the radio show. And afterwards she was just so appreciative of my efforts because I kind of what did something a little bit more heroic in this particular case. And I really appreciated that. And that when we demonstrate appreciation for someone, that's a great way to show that you respect them. When they've done something for you and not with a simple thank you, but going beyond that and using the words appreciation and gratitude. And then later she took me out to dinner as a way to say thank you. It's a great way to show a man that you respect him. And number four, number four, and I'm gonna give you a bonus one after this, number four is to accept him rather than mother him. Accept him rather than mother him. And what I mean is telling him what to do. And I'm thinking in particular, I had a female friend at my place once, just purely friends. And she had actually, I think she had brought over a casserole or something like that. And it was in my fridge and she was, and when I went to go put it in to heat it up, she started to give me instructions. And I swear to you, that triggered my mother stuff. I'm like, look it, we all men have been mothered our whole lives. So when you tell us what to do, that can trigger our mother stuff. And it allows us, if you basically are putting us in the child mode and you're being the adult mode or excuse me, you're being the parent mode. And that takes us out of feeling like an adult in relationship. So there's the parent, the adult and the child. And when you go into parental role, you're putting us in the child mode. And that actually shows a level of disrespect or at least that's the way we men feel when you go into mothering mode. And while I'm certainly appreciative of the efforts, ladies, just like you wanna be respected for your actions, then you have to trust us as well. That's not to suggest you can't give advice. I'm not here to suggest that. But when it comes from an authoritative place of telling us what to do, instead of coming from a place of the suggestion, that oftentimes is going to trigger our mother stuff. And believe me, you don't wanna trigger our mother stuff because you don't ever wanna be put into that category. So that's my invitation for you is to be a little bit more cautious when you tell us what to do, especially in the area of the kitchen. If we've been around this planet for 40, 50 years and we've most likely cooked for ourselves, then just allow us to do it our way. And I'm sure you're going to have a happier man than when it is you're telling them what to do. All right, I'm gonna give you one bonus thing in here for these four ways to activate a man's deepest desire. Because I said this before and I said it multiple times throughout this piece. And that is centered around gratitude and appreciation. Let me repeat that gratitude and appreciation. And I wanna tell you the story. I was in a relationship with a woman some years ago, my most significant relationship after my divorce and she and I had to travel up to San Francisco for a speaking gig. In fact, our speaking gig was called, we need to talk, bringing up the touchy subjects. And the night before we were supposed to do the speaking gig for a couple hundred people, we got into a fight about something. And I don't even wanna get into the particulars of the fight. But I mean, we were yelling and screaming at each other. And as we were walking back to the hotel, I mean, in our room, I bet you could hear us five, six, seven, 10 rooms down the hall kind of thing. That's how insane our anger was towards one another in this particular moment. And she's ready to call the airline. I mean, she called the airline trying to get a flight back. And I'm like, in the whole time I'm defending my position, she's defending her position. And I thought to myself in the moment, what would love do right now? What would love do? How would love respond? So I said to her, I said, sweetheart, I wanna share something I'm grateful for about you, grateful, something about you that I'm grateful for. And I shared one thing. And then I did it very slowly and deliberately. And then a few moments later, I shared a second one. And then I shared a third one. And I shared a fourth one. And I shared a fifth one. I shared five things I was most grateful for about her. And as I'm doing this, I could see the ice wall start to melt. It's just started to melt, started to melt. And then I invited her to share five things she was most grateful for about me. And as she started to share, my armor started to drop, my armor started to drop, my armor started to drop. And we could actually, once she got to the fifth one, we were able to communicate with one another. Folks, gratitude is the doorway to each other's heart. It's the doorway to intimacy. It's the doorway to connecting with one another. Most of the time when there's a lack of respect or appreciation in a relationship, relationships are gonna go sour. And listen, I know men give you plenty of reason for them to treat them with this respect. But here's the thing, most guys are good people. They're just bad daters. Most human beings are good people. It's just being human means we have flaws. And not everybody is a dirt bag. Not everybody is a narcissist. Not everybody is a ghost. Or not everyone is a douche bag, okay? Most men are good people, just like most women are good people. It's just the challenging part is getting all the right parts to work together and that's why it can be a little bit frustrating. So I'm here to invite you to look at things from a perspective of compassion, of what would love do and how would love respond as a better narrative than coming at it from a place of expectation or demands. And I can tell you something. I see this quite a bit in the dating realm, a lot of expectations and demands. Okay, so just to repeat, if he's made plans, don't judge it, be curious, ask his opinion, show him appreciation when he's done something for you and please, please, please don't mother him because that's a great way to create disrespect in the relationship. All right, well that wraps up the content portion now because we're live, we're going to do our Q&A. So those who are on here live and by the way, if you're listening to the recording right now, there's a live chat box here on YouTube. So if you post a question, write the word question and then post your question there after and I will respond to them per that. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker or Super Chat. Those who know the funds from the Super Sticker, Super Chat go to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. Most of you know my son passed away several years ago and the funds go into a scholarship fund, as I mentioned, to defray the cost of personal development and to also support personal development charities that I'm very big on. So again, if you purchase a Super Sticker or Super Chat in the Super Chat, you can post your question as well. All right, let's jump into the Q&A portion here today. So, all right, Kelly says, what does it mean to mother a man? Well, I think simply put, when you tell, listen, I want you to think about this. When we are growing up, women are the predominant figures in boys' lives and girls' lives as well because most of the time their mother, by the way, more school teachers, I believe are women and mothers will stay home more so than the fathers. Okay, and then certainly if they're single mothers. So as children, we're often told what to do by our parents, that's just the nature of growing up. And after a while, when a boy, certainly when a boy hits 12, 13, 14 years old, they begin to individuate from their parents and they start to rebel against their parents. And it's because throughout our lives, we are told what to do. Don't touch that flame. Don't do this, get dressed, go to the bathroom. We're always being told what to do. So then the minute we become adults and we're in a relationship with women and we're being told to do something, that feels like mothering or being told how to do it a different way. By the way, ladies, you know how it feels when you're being told to do something by a guy, whether that feels botherly like, I'm not so certain about it. Certainly because your mother also that way. But for men in particular, that's what it feels like when it's coming from a woman telling us what to do. So that's what that's all centered around that motherly energy is especially in the area of the kitchen. I think it's the home. It's particularly in the area of the kitchen or the home or certainly when it comes to our driving practices or whatnot. So I'm just here to say, and just to go back to our original question, that's what it feels like being motherly and it might trigger our wound from our mother as well. And that's a turn off in relationship. So thank you for that question. I hope it helped. Thank you so much. All right, I wanna thank Lisa for the $5 super sticker, big hugs to you Lisa. Thank you so much. All right, and Vivian says, let's go swimming. That means I'm gonna do my Nemo and we're gonna go swim and look for, or at least no, that's Dory. So, all right, KK writes, question. What does it mean when you're on a call with your boyfriend, yet he gives you the phone, he gives you the phone to another guy, even that supposed to be are the time on our call. I told him, I don't like that. I apologize, KK, I really don't understand the question. What does it mean when you're on the phone with your boyfriend? He gives the phone to another guy. So I'm assuming that if you're in a group setting, well, that doesn't make sense either because you're on the telephone. Oh, you're on the telephone with your boyfriend and he hands the phone over to one of his friends. What does that mean? I mean, it just might mean that, by the way, I'm assuming that you know the person that he's giving the phone to and either A, he might need to go to the bathroom or go do something. I mean, who knows what might be the motivation there or it might be he wants you to get the opinion of his friend. That's what I would think based on your question. I mean, it's really hard for me to answer that without more detail. So I'm sorry about that, KK. I really don't know how to best answer that. That's my only supposition of why that might happen. So thank you again for that question. And you told him you don't like it. So, oh, so going back to you, told him you don't like it. You know, I would find out, then I would ask him, why does he do it? Why don't you ask him why he does that? Folks, if you know my book, what the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? By the way, there's a link to Jonathan recommends books in my book selflovethebook.com. Chapter one is speak your truth, do it with kindness. Why aren't you asked, and you've told him you don't like it, why not ask him why does he do it? That might be a better way of looking at it. Be curious, why would he do this so you can understand his point of view? If you're afraid to ask him why, it's better to ask him why than to tell him you don't like it because then you can at least understand his point of view. And folks, chapter nine in my book, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. So just remember that. All right, let's go swimming now. Thank you for your question. All right, let's scroll up to see, let's go swim in. And again, post the word question and then write the question thereafter. It makes it easier for me to find because there's a lot of comments running through here. All right, we already have that one. So if you have a question, post the word question, by the way, how am I doing so far? All right. Lucy, I love Lucy says, I love your channel. Jonathan question, I have an anxiety disorder. When should I tell and bring the subject up when I start dating someone? I have an anxiety disorder. Well, I guess, okay, so I have, I think I have a, God, I'm tongue tied here. Please forgive me. So if you follow my work, I talk about the five signs of emotional maturity, the five signs of emotional maturity. Number one, your actions matching your words. Number two, you take personal responsibility for your choices. You're in victor consciousness and not victim consciousness. Number three, you know how to fight there and what that means is it's not about being right when you're in an argument with someone. It's about listening to the other person's point of view and accepting their point of view as being true for them. And vice versa. Number three, empathy. And empathy just doesn't mean I can feel someone else's feelings. Empathy means I care about someone's feelings and more importantly, I care about my own feelings at the same weightedness, okay? Because whenever we compromise our own feelings, we're actually not being empathetic to ourselves. And lastly, number five is transparency. And I always say if it's material to the relationship, then you should speak up sooner rather than later. So if your anxiety can effectively, can affect the relationship, then I'm a big proponent of talking about it sooner rather than later. Certainly if you begin exploring, listen, first date is a meeting, okay? First date is the sniff test, okay? Sniff test, like a dog, okay? You're just sniffing each other out to see if you wanna go on a second date. Actually, the first date is a meeting, the second time you meet is the first date. And if you get to the point where someone's asked you out three times after the first meeting and it happens all within a three week period of time, that means you're gonna be investing in a relationship with them. So here's what I would recommend if you have an anxiety disorder. And also I wanna differentiate between people who are HSP, who are highly sensitive person versus people with anxiety. But here's what I would suggest, bringing it up to them in a very calm manner, explaining about your condition. But I would further add, what information does he need to know about your condition? I'm gonna repeat that. What information does he need to know about your condition to, A, not trigger you, trigger that anxiety, but also to support you in that anxiety. And also if you're taking medication and explain to him how the anxiety manifests itself, especially when you're in relationship. And then that allows that person to make a choice. I certainly would discuss this well before the penis goes inside the vagina. And those who know my work, you should all be reading the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman before the penis goes inside the vagina. So at least you know you're on the same page when it comes to exploring a relationship. This is the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. So coming back to your question, which I think is a great question, when is the time to bring it up? I would certainly, I wouldn't do it on the first meeting per se, but by the time you get to this, after you've had your second or third date and you feel like the two of you are going to be investing and getting to know one another, then that would be a good time to bring it up in a very compassionate, loving way, explain how it manifests itself, what he should know about it and what you're doing about it with respects to the relationship. And I think you're gonna have greater success by speaking about it sooner rather than later. I know a lot of coaches will tell you to wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Oh my God, I had one coach say that you should wait right before your sex to tell someone, right while you're naked, tell them you have herpes. I'm like, what the fuck are you saying the last minute? That's something that should be discussed sooner rather than later. And with respects to what you shared, I also think the same. So I hope that helped. Thank you so much for that question. I love Lucy, I really appreciate it. Great question. All right, let's keep going. All right, bump, bump, bump. If you have a question, post the word question first so I can find it much easier. Okay, KK writes, I'm curious and asked him this, you want me or need me, is that I want or need that he likes me? And it's kind of silent yet he thinks about me, yet stresses him out. Question, what should I do? I'm sorry, KK, I don't understand what you asked there. Please forgive me. Folks, I need it to be succinct so I can understand the dynamics of what you're asking. So that seemed confusing to me. So, but thank you for asking a question. All right, again, post the word question first. L.A. Myamum says, Jonathan, your coaching style resonates with me the most. Upon your recommendations, I ordered the book's four agreements. Very, very look forward. Okay, folks, the book, the four agreements, great book. The four agreements are be impeccable with your word. Don't make assumptions. Don't let other people's projections of you affect how you feel and always do your best. One of my favorite books, and also to piggyback on that, if you need some support in coaching, by the way, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. All right, let's keep swimming here. I love Lucy says, I love the SNP test, exactly. Elaine says, respect works both ways, exactly. Let's see. Okay, Bridge says, the signs that I shared would apply to work relationships, not just a partner, exactly. Well said. All right, if you have a question, post the word question and write the word question there after so I can find it easier. And if you don't have questions, we're going to be wrapping up really soon. So folks, help me out here. Let's see. Kelly says, yes, use the skills you learn and practice them with others or you'll have to learn your lessons again and check your birth chart. My seventh house love relationship is in Aqua. Do the self work, amen. Natalie writes, question, I don't understand why you're saying do not have expectation. Isn't that your coaching main idea to veto prospects based on our expectations and values? All right, I want to differentiate between an expectation and a desire. Okay, let me try to give an example. I expect every man to be six foot tall and I'll date no man less than six foot tall. Okay, that's the minute you set up an expectation like I'm using that as an example versus I would prefer to date men six foot taller but it's not an absolute. An expectation is an absolute versus a desire has some wiggle room in it. And I got to tell you something folks, men and women do this habitually as they create these ridiculous expectations of one another that no human being can meet. So for example, I expect men to be honest. Well, the reality is is every human being has lied at some point in their life. Well, Jonathan, if they're once a liar they're always a liar and I can't date a liar. Look it, we've got to recognize that when we put people up on an expectation pedestal we will be weeding out almost every viable opportunity out there. So when desire is different than an expectation. Now a standard is also a little bit different. So let me give you an example of a standard. And I always talk about my standard in relationship. I'm looking for a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills both in our personal and our professional lives, intimacy, both emotional and physical intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. Okay, that's my standard. I established that from upfront. I'm not, no, does that mean I can't compromise in some areas? Absolutely, I can compromise a little bit in some areas. That's the whole point. Expectation, there is no room for compromise. Now boundary is what's okay and what's not okay for you. So that's also in the equation as well. So coming back to your original question and expectation means there's no room for compromise whereas a standard or a desire allows for compromise. And the reality is, is every relationship is gonna require some level of compromise. Whereas when we set up expectations there's no room to compromise. And that's where I'm differentiating. And by the way, I certainly wouldn't want you to compromise your standards. I wouldn't want you to compromise your boundaries but certainly we can compromise in areas that are sometimes on some level superficial versus in other words, like using the height example. I mean, would you, if you always have to be with men six foot tall, would you meet, would you like reject a guy five, 11 and one quarter? That's what I'm talking about in these cases. So thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, now we got a bunch of questions popping in. Anna says, I posted a question, would you please address it? Anna, I can't find your question so keep posting it so it's easier for me to find folks. All right, Diana writes, how do you, how do you result, how do you reign yourself in when you find yourself being too mothering? How do you reign yourself in? Gosh, you know what? Stop it. I mean, self-discipline requires, by the way, so folks, you want to get, you want to lose weight because you're getting married. You want to drop 25 pounds, okay? That's going to require some self-discipline and maybe shifting your eating habits and maybe doing intermittent fasting and maybe cutting out processed foods or whatever it is and maybe exercising. That's going to require discipline if you want to do something. And so typically we oftentimes wait until we have something that we, you know, like, and I'm using the wedding as an example, but it's oftentimes we wait for something instead of practicing self-discipline throughout our lives. And quite frankly, here in the United States we are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness. We can't do anything without it being, well, can't you just accept me for who I am kind of thing? Folks, self-discipline so requires some consciousness. Okay, it'd be like walking down a street and you see a hole in the sidewalk and you fall in going, well, that wasn't my fault. Folks, self-discipline is like, I see the hole and I'm going to walk around it. And it's the same when it comes to mothering. It's going to require some first, some awareness that you're doing it. And you can, by the way, it's very easy to tell when a guy gets pissed, when you tell men to do something that's going to feel like mothering and that's going to piss them off versus coming at it from a whole different place of curiosity and conversation. Let me repeat that, curiosity and conversation. So you could be curious, hey, sweetheart, would you be open to hearing a different way of cooking the dinner tonight? And they go, no, okay, you leave it alone. But if you keep pushing and pushing and pushing, that's mothering. So you can come at it from a place of curiosity or you can come at it from a place of telling. And let me just tell you something, folks. Let me tell you something, folks. And by the way, my channel I do pontificate a little bit, so I get it. But the point is, nobody likes to be told what to do. So hopefully that answers your question. Diana, thank you so much, I appreciate it. All right, thank you. All right, Violetta says, question. What do you think about age differences? The guy I met on match is 36 and I'm 45. Thank you, Jonathan. So first off, I was in a significant relationship with a woman who was 10 years older than me. Met her in my mid-40s, she was in her mid-50s. Here's the thing, men choose younger women, women choose younger men, women choose older men, men choose older women, whatever it is. You know what matters most? Is are you connecting at a heart-centered space? Do you, okay, so if you're familiar with my relationship iceberg, first off, there's chemistry as the tip of the iceberg. And that's above the waterline as attraction, below the waterline as shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. And as you start checking the boxes, you become more and more attracted to one another. Here's the thing, it doesn't matter what age you are. If you have great chemistry, shared values, have blendable lifestyles, and each of you emotionally mature, you're gonna be very attracted to one another and the age doesn't mean shit. Now, it can be a little bit problematic, depending on where you're at in your life, and oftentimes maybe the blending lives could be the dilemma in that place, could be the emotional maturity piece. I don't know, all I'm saying is, when you have it, doesn't matter the age of the person, okay? It's a great question, Violetta, thank you so much. By the way, Anna posted your question so I can find it. Rachel says, how is a healthy relationship without losing mystery and passion? All right, so I'm a big, so if you're not familiar with the work of Esther Perrell, she wrote the book called, Mating and Captivity. And one of the fundamental principles she talks about that's missing in a lot of relationships is erotic connection, erotic connection. In fact, my ex-girlfriend, when she wrote the book, Chatting or Cheating, How to Affair Proof Your Relationship, Rebuild Trust and How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Trust and Affair Proof Your Relationship, her whole backpack, that part of the book is all about how to build the romance, how to build the erotic connection. And there's another book I highly recommend is reading How to Make Love All the Time. Folks, it's gonna require being intentional. And this whole little thing is just reserved Friday night for date night. Look it, I'm a big proponent of couples reading these books together and talking about what's in these books rather than being passive in their relationship. You have an opportunity to co-create a relationship together versus being passive. But Jonathan, I'm told that men are supposed to leave the dating process and I just sit back in my feminine energy and allow him to clean me. Yes, folks, you have been indoctrinated in stupid books like The Rules that are all manipulative ways of gaining a relationship. What I'm encouraging you to do is to do a deeper dive into understanding each other by reading many of these books that I talk about so you can actually create and form a partnership with one another. One of my favorite books is Gary Zukoff's book, Spiritual Partnership. And he wrote the book Seed of the Soul. And why I love this book is it looks beyond the surface. This isn't so much about relationships, it's about the relationship with yourself that you connect and relationship you have with another human being. So I'm here to say, and I'm gonna stretch my back for a moment, I'm here to say you have a choice. You can be passive in the dating process or you can be intentional. But Jonathan, all the dating coaches say, I have to be passive because that's the way it works. Folks, men are turned on by women who know what they want. It is actually sexy for us when you actually lead by example by expressing the things that bring you joy and happiness. And the right guy is going to appreciate wanting to learn how to be in a better relationship. And the wrong guy, he's only in it for the short term anyway. So why do you want that guy who's only in it for the short term? Choose men that are willing to do the work with you so you can actually build a relationship together instead of having a short-lived relationship like most people are experiencing today. So that's my invitation for you. Thank you so much for that question, Rachel. I really appreciate it. All right, Lisa writes. All right, Lisa writes, question, my boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half. My parents are deceased and his mom lives with him, cultural expectations. Should I be concerned he hasn't introduced me to her? Whoa, a year and a half? Yeah, I'd be concerned. Now, there's a slight chance, and now have you been to his home? Oh, wait, did you say have you been to his home? Let me see that. Have you been to his home? So, Lisa. There's possibility he might be feeling a bit of shame centered around having to take care of his mother and he feels a level of embarrassment, so that's possibly the reason why. However, here's, and I'm assuming he's a younger guy because, well, no, that's not the case because you said your parents are deceased. Here's the thing, I would hope a man wants to show off his girlfriend to his parents. One of the folks, there's a picture of my mom and dad. My mom and dad were married 66 years before my mom passed away. One of my saddest, one of my regrets is that my mom now won't meet any future person in my life, my future spouse, you know? I would want to introduce, I'm a big believer of introducing your family and friends, when you've decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend with one another, when you've decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend with one another, you've spent a minimum of 100 hours of face to face time together. That would be a good time after 100 hours of face to face time to start incorporating somebody into your life. And so that would include parents. So I would ask him, why haven't you introduced me to your mother? Okay, so let me backtrack. By the way, the coffee mug says, let that shit go. And by the way, for those who are gonna criticize my shirt, I mean, the last one, you criticize the color was wrong. You're probably gonna say the color's wrong on this. I'm getting tired. Please, please don't criticize what I wear. If you like it, then express it, but don't criticize it if you don't like it. I know some women say that color isn't you. So what you might wanna do, Lee says, to be curious. Hey, Tim, I'm really curious, or Jose. I'm just gonna, Tim, Jose, Jonathan, whatever the name is. Tim, I'm really curious why you haven't introduced me to your mom. I would think that you would like to introduce me to your mom. I'm just curious why that is the case. Just simply come from a place of curiosity. You don't have to say it exactly the way I said it, but come from a place of curiosity by asking a question and then see how he responds because how he responds is going to be the red flag. Yes, it's a red flag. He hasn't done it, it could be shame, but why not ask him and then make the decision of whether or not that is a red flag or not. Thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it, Lisa. Oops, all right. Anna, did you post that question so I can find it? Because I wanna help you out. All right, let's go swim in. All right, bear with me, everybody. Just let me scroll. Question. Rachel says, fine line between mystery so he can keep following us in honesty so it can be a real thing. You know, okay, folks, I wanna talk about this mystery thing. You know, they say keep some mystery. You know, here's the thing, certainly when you spend a lot of time with somebody, you can have a lot of familiarity. You can have a lot of familiarity and familiarity breeds contempt and contempt breeds unhealth. You know, the four horsemen, remember the four horsemen of the apocalypse, contempt, criticism, stole walling and defensiveness. So too much familiarity can feel like it breeds contempt but also creates safety in a relationship when you feel familiar with one another. I don't believe it's about mystery. I believe when two people are more intentional about the relationship, they actually have a full rich relationship. In fact, the more familiar you feel with someone, the safer you feel. It's not about mystery, it's about creating new memories with one another. So it's about creating new memories. So first off, if you decide to travel to France, well, you've never been there before, so that's a mystery. So it's really about doing new things together rather than trying to uncover more things about the person you did not know. Now you might find out as you're doing things together, you might uncover things about the person, but the mystery is not about the person because you want familiarity so you feel safe. The mystery is the world out in front of us and to do things out in the world. And I know it's been difficult because of COVID, but ultimately don't focus on the mystery of the other person. Focus, the mystery of life is to explore life and that's my invitation for everyone. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? If it is, please hit that like button for me. Thank you so much. Going back to Diana says, mothering is an unconscious thing, yeah? Well, yes, but you can push a guy away if you do too much of it. Now you're aware of it, so now be conscious of it. All right. Kelly says, okay, curious conversation makes more sense exactly. Okay, Dawn says, why do some men personalize when the woman they care about is upset and feel like they failed, even if she's not upset at him and what she's upset about is something trivial even. Okay, great questions Dawn and this comes back to our parental shit. So I've talked about this before, I'm gonna talk about it again and I'll go into a little bit detail. I continually talk about the book, The Hoffman Process. This is a book to heal childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause us to have negative patterns and limiting beliefs in our lives. Here's the thing, as children, we were traumatized. Folks, it is very rare that we grew up with Ozzie and Harriet as parents. Our parents have traumatized us from the perspective of they treat us as an adult and we don't have the mind of an adult. So just recognize that whenever we were told something about our parents, whenever our parents criticized us, again, coming back to being told what to do, that can wear on our emotional psyche. So what happens is we men in particular, if we feel like our mom is upset, we personalize it. So let me give you an example. My mother right there, whenever she was upset with my father, I remember this so vividly because it was predominantly my entire life. Whenever she was upset with my mother, when my father, my mother would stonewall. And what that means is she would emotionally abandon my father, my brother and myself. I repeat that, she would abandon us emotionally. I mean, she'd still make dinner, take us to school but she would emotionally abandon us. And I always took that personally, what did I do wrong? Little children look at, we did the thing wrong. And what happens is if we don't heal that as an adult, that can affect us. So folks, have you ever heard the term trigger, trigger, trigger when we get triggered by something? So when something happens, my mother was upset at my father, but it triggered me because she, that also carried for her stonewalling her disappointment carried forward to everybody else in the house. So this happens to men and women alike. Ladies, you guys have dad issues, we have mom issues and this is very prevalent. So first off, just understand, just come from a place of understanding that he doesn't intentionally take it personally. It's a subconscious thing that's happening and not an intentional thing from your part. So again, I'm here to promote understanding rather than expectations. Let me repeat that. I'm here to promote understanding rather than expectations. By the way, my back is starting to seize up so we're only gonna go for a few more minutes. And that's why when we approach the process from what would love do or how would love respond, we can have compassion for one another instead of expectations. And by the way, as my friend Guy Blue said, expectation is the mother of disaster and desperation is her twin sister. Expectation is the mother of disaster and desperation is her twin sister. All right, thank you so much. All right, is this resonating with you? Please purchase a super sticker, super chat to let me know this is resonating with you. Give me a thumbs up if this is resonating with you. Rachel says, thank you, you are great. I really appreciate that. Melanie says, my ex-husband used to stonewall as well. Yes, men and women like do that. Natalie says, stonewalling is bad. Yes, sadly, human beings do that. Sandra writes, question, why do men, why don't men give you feedback when they're on dates with you? Well, what are you expecting? Okay, let me give you some feedback. I don't like the way you dressed. I don't like the way you looked. You know, you don't look like your pictures. Is that the kind of feedback you're looking for? And I'm saying this tongue-in-cheek, but you know, why don't we give feedback? Why don't you ask for feedback? But then here's the thing, human beings don't wanna be honest with one another. You lay, oh my God. So I've got a friend who lives in my complex and she had just joined a dating site two weeks ago and she's got 50 guys that are in her queue, right? And she's went out with a couple of them and now she doesn't wanna see them again. She's like, John, I don't wanna tell them the truth that I'm not into them. What do I say? Human beings constantly white lie because we're afraid of hurting someone else's feelings. So if you want feedback, you can ask about it, but just recognize that you're probably not gonna get honest or genuine feedback because, because nobody wants to hurt someone else's feelings. And that's pretty much why. So, Sandra, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, Deborah just purchased a super sticker. Let's find it here. All right, this is gonna be the last question of the day. Thank you so much for the super sticker. I really appreciate it. All right, question. I know ED and other issues can cause serial stress, but should it be that I often feel like I fall, fail at being attractive or desired? I'm a bit beside myself. First off, I wanna send you off a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug. So this is the tricky subject of those of us in midlife. As we age, for us men, our equipment doesn't work the way we like. And sometimes, for example, we have to take a blue pill. Okay, that's one thing. For women, they could be going through menopause. They might need to be on certain medications to balance their estrogen and whatnot. This is the reality of life. And as we age, we don't look at, there's a picture of my mom and dad when they were stunning looking in the age 25. But trust me, my mom was heavy set and my dad, I mean, why my dad was still handsome, but my mom was heavy set and she didn't take care of herself. The reality is very few people actually, after age 50, take good care of their physical conditioning. Most people do not take good care of themselves. So they are less attractive. This is one of the reasons why men and women alike, women date younger men just like men date younger women because it creates more stimulation. Now, I think I mentioned I was in a relationship with a woman who was 10 years older than me. And to this day, I still, she's, it's 10 years later and I still think she's dropped it gorgeous, but she takes good care of herself. So that's one thing is that we should take all men and women alike take good care of ourselves. It is very frustrating. And this is part of the problem is that we don't have the same libido or sex drive as we age. And what's more important is connecting, I believe, with each other's heart. That's why I'm a big proponent of having more healthier conversation instead of manipulative based way conversations that so many coaches teach. I'm not a big proponent of that. I'm a big proponent of radical honesty early on so you can actually build intimacy with one another. And you might want to maybe shift the narrative and check out this book called Oral Sex, Oral Sex. And it says talking and listening to your way to passionate intimacy. Maybe try this book out in the future and see if that creates a greater connection with them versus the physical aspect. And while physical is important, a relationship is a lot more than physical once you've built up that 100 hours of face to face time. So Debbie, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it and I understand how you're feeling giving you a big gigantic Jonathan bear hug. All right, I want to thank Don Midnight Falls for the 499 Super Sticker. It's your last chance to purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. It'll probably go to my back fund. No, I'm just kidding. It's going to that scholarship fund in the name of Connor Aslant. All right, Susan says awesome stuff. Thank you. I appreciate that, Susan. Yes, Viagra. I use it, I'm going to be honest. I think the blue pill is Viagra. Yes, exactly. All right, what does it mean when a man says he doesn't do tongue kiss? That is a turn off. I've never heard that before. Well, I guess, well, I guess he's not into French kissing. I call it French kissing using your tongue. So that's not his thing. That's not his thing. I'm totally into French kissing. I'm told, who's into PDA? I'm into P... Oh, I don't like the way beyond. Who's into PDA? I'm into PDA, so... And lots of French kissing out in public. All right, folks. This would be a great place to wrap. Well, we'll take Susan one more time. Does love come from the brain first then from the heart? You know, I've never studied love in that way. I think when we fully integrated our, okay, the quadrennity, our mind, body, spirit, emotions, mind, body, spirit, emotions, mind, body, spirit, emotions, when we've integrated ourselves, which is really one of the principles of, what the heck is self love anyway? We actually experience love at any type of frequency. So I believe being integrated your mind, body, spirit, emotions, and you'll be able to experience love in a magnetic way. And that's my invitation for everyone. Love yourself, and you're gonna get what I'm talking about. All right, everyone. This would be a great place to wrap up today. Did I give you value today? If I did, please let me know. Say amen. Say thank you. Give me a thumbs up or purchase a super sticker or super chat before we wrap up. And we're gonna wrap up this video as I always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic shot at the bear hug of self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. I'm gonna say goodbye to Hannah, to Susan, to KK, to Vivian, to Kelly, to Maggie, to Tracy, to Yvonne, to Don. I wanna thank you all for being on live. Have a wonderful evening. Go make it a great weekend. Bye-bye now. Thank you, Kelly.