 Chapter 35 of New Grubb Street This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Chessie New Grubb Street by George Kissing Chapter 35 Fever and Rest Mill Wayne's skillful efforts notwithstanding Mr. Bailey Grocer had no success. By two publishers the book had been declined. The firm which brought it out offered the author half-profits and 15 pounds on account, greatly to Harold Biffen's satisfaction. But reviewers in general were either angry or coldly contemptuous. Let Mr. Biffen bear in mind, said one of these sages, that a novelist's first duty is to tell a story. Mr. Biffen, wrote another, seems not to understand that a work of art must be for everything else afford amusement. A pretentious book of the genre ennuiant was the brief comment of a society journal. A weekly of high standing began at short notice in a rage. Here is another of those intolerable productions for which we are indebted to the spirit of groveling realism. This author, let it be said, is never offensive. But then one must go on to describe his work by succession of negatives. It is never interesting, never profitable, never, and the rest. The eulogy in the west end had a few timid echoes. That in the current would have secured more imitators, but unfortunately it appeared when most of the reviewing had already been done. And as Jasper truly said, only a concurrence of powerful testimonials could have compelled any number of people to affect an interest in this book. The first duty of a novelist is to tell a story. The perpetual repetition of this phrase is a warning to all men who propose drawing from the life. Biffen only offered a slice of biography, and it was found to lack flavor. He wrote to Mrs. Reardon, I cannot thank you enough for this very kind letter about my book. I value it more than I should the praises of all the reviewers in existence. You have understood my aim. Few people will do that, and very few indeed could express it with such clear conciseness. If Amy had butt-contented herself with a civil acknowledgement of the volumes he sent her, she thought it a kindness to write to him so appreciatively to exaggerate her approval. The poor fellow was so lonely. Yes, but his loneliness only became intolerable when a beautiful woman had smiled upon him and so forced him to dream perpetually of that supreme joy of life which to him was forbidden. It was a fatal day, that on which Amy put herself under his guidance to visit Reardon's poor room at Islington. In the old times, Harold had been warned to regard his friend's wife as the perfect woman. seldom in his life had he enjoyed female society and when he first met Amy, it was years since he had spoken with any woman above the rank of a lodging housekeeper or a needle-plier. Her beauty seemed to him of a very high order and her mental endowments filled him with an exquisite delight. Not to be appreciated by men who have never been in his position. When the rupture came between Amy and her husband, Harold could not believe that she was in any way to blame. Held to Reardon by strong friendship, he yet accused him of injustice to Amy and what he saw of her at Brighton confirmed him in this judgment. When he accompanied her to Manville Street, he allowed her, of course, to remain alone in the room where Reardon had lived. But Amy presently summoned him and asked him questions. Every tear she shed watered the grove of passionate tenderness in the solitary man's heart. Parting from her length, he went to hide his face in darkness and think of her. Think of her. A fatal day. There was an end of all his peace, all his capacity for labour, his patient endurance of penury. Once, when he was about three and twenty, he had been in love with a girl of gentle nature and fair intelligence. On account of his poverty, he could not even hope that his love might be returned and he went away to bear the misery as best he might. Since then, the life he had led precluded the forming of such attachments. It would never have been possible for him to support a vibe of however humble or rich. At intervals he felt a full weight of his loneliness, but there were happily long periods during which his Greek studies and his efforts in realistic fiction made him indifferent to the curse laid upon him. But after that hour of intimate speech with Amy, he never again knew rest of mind or heart. Accepting what Reardon had bequeathed to him, he removed the books and furniture to a room in that part of the town which he had found most convenient for a singular tutorial pursuits. The winter did not pass without days of all but starvation. But in March he received his 15 pounds for Mr. Bailey and this was a fortune, putting him beyond the reach of hunger for full six months. Not long after that, he yielded to a temptation that haunted him day and night and went to call upon Amy who was still living with her mother at Westworn Park. When he entered the drawing room, Amy was sitting there alone. She rose with an exclamation of frank pleasure. I have often thought of you lately, Mr. Biffin. How kind to come and see me. He could scarcely speak. Her beauty, as she stood before him in the graceful black dress, was anguished to his excited nerves and her voice was so cruel in its conventional warmth. When he looked at her eyes, he remembered how their brightness had been dimmed with tears and the sorrow he had shared with her seemed to make him more than an ordinary friend. When he told her of his success with the publishers, she was delighted. Oh, when is it to come out? I shall watch the advertisement so anxiously. Will you allow me to send your copy, Mrs. Riordan? Can you really spare one? Of the half-dozen he would receive, he scarcely knew how to dispose of three. And Amy expressed her gratitude in a most charming way. She had gained much in point of manner during the past twelve months. Her ten thousand pounds inspired her with the confidence necessary to a perfect demeanor. That slight hardness which was known to be perceptible in her tone had altogether passed away. She seemed to be cultivating flexibility of voice. Mrs. Yule came in and was all graciousness. Then two callers presented themselves. Biffin's pleasure was at an end as soon as he had to adapt himself to polite dialogue. He escaped as speedily as possible. He was not a kind of man that deceives himself as to his own aspect in the eyes of others. Be as kind as she might. Amy could not set him strutting malvolio vice. She viewed him as a poor devil who often had to pawn his coat. A man of parts who would never get on in the world. A friend to be thought of kindly because her dead husband had valued him. Nothing more than that. He understood perfectly the limits of her feeling. But this could not put restraint upon the emotion with which he received any most trifling utterance of kindness from her. He did not think of what was, but of what, under changed circumstances, might be. To encourage such fantasy was the idol's self-tomant, but he had gone too far in this form of indulgence. He became the slave of his inflamed imagination. In that letter with which he replied to appraises of his book, per chance he had allowed himself to speak too much as he thought. He wrote in reckless delight and did not wait for the prudence of a later hour. When it was past recall, he would gladly have softened many of the expressions the letter contained. I value it more than the praises of all the reviewers in existence. Would Amy be offended at that? Yours in gratitude and reference he had signed himself. The kind of phrase that comes naturally to a passionate man when he would faint say more than he dares. To what purpose this half-revelation? Unless indeed he wished to learn once and forever by the gentiles of repulses that his homage was only welcome so long as it kept well within conventional terms. He passed a month of distracted idleness until there came a day when the need to see Amy was so imperative that it mastered every consideration. He donned his best clothes and about four o'clock presented himself at Mrs. Ewell's house. By ill luck there happened to be at least half a dozen callers in the drawing room. The Strapado would have been preferable, in his eyes, to such an ordeal as this. Moreover, he was convinced that both Amy and her mother received him with far less cordiality than on the last occasion. He had expected it, but he bit his lips till the blood came. What business had he among people of this kind? No doubt the visitors wondered at his comparative shabbiness and asked themselves how he ventured to make a call without the regulation chimney-pot had. It was a wretched and foolish mistake. Ten minutes saw him in the street again, wowing that he would never approach Amy more. Not that he found fault with her. The blame was entirely his own. He lived on the third floor of a house in Gurch Street above a baker's shop. The bequest of Reardon's furniture was a great advantage to him as he had only to pay rent for a bare room. The books, too, came as a godsend since the destruction of his own. He had now only one pupil and was not exerting himself to find others. His old energy had forsaken him. For the failure of his book he cared nothing. It was no more than he anticipated. The work was done, the best he was capable of, and this satisfied him. It was doubtful whether he loved Amy in the true sense of exclusive desire. She represented for him all that is lovely in womanhood. To his starved soul and senses she was woman, the complement of his frustrated being. Circumstance had made her the means of exciting in him that natural force which had hitherto either been dormant or had yielded to the resolute will. Companionless, inert, he suffered the tortures which are so ludicrous and contemptible to the happily married. Life was barren to him and would soon grow hateful. Only in sleep could he cast off the unchanging thoughts and desires which made all else meaningless. And rightly meaningless, he revolted against the unnatural constraints forbidding him to complete his manhood. By what fatality was he alone of man withheld from the winning of a woman's love? He could not bear to walk the streets where the faces of beautiful women would encounter him. When he must needs leave the house he went about in the poor narrow ways where only spectacles of coarseness and warmth and toil would be presented to him. Yet, even here, he was too often reminded that the poverty stricken of the class to which poverty is natural were not condemned to endure in solitude. Only he, who belonged to no class, who was rejected alike by his fellows in privation and by his equals in intellect must die without having known the touch of a loving woman's hand. The summer went by and he was unconscious of its warmth and light. How his days passed, he could not have said. One evening in early autumn, as he stood before the bookstore at the end of Goodge Street, a familiar voice accosted him. It was Welpdale's. A month or two ago he had stubbornly refused an invitation to dine with Welpdale and other acquaintances. You remember what the occasion was? And since then the prosperous young man had not crossed his path. I have something to tell you, said the assailor, taking hold of his arm. I am in a tremendous state of mind and want someone to share my delight. You can walk a short way, I hope. Not too busy with some new book? Biffen gave no answer, but went wither he was led. You are writing a new book, I suppose. Don't be discouraged, old fellow. Mr. Bailey will have his day yet. I know men who consider it an undoubted work of genius. What's the next to deal with? I haven't decided yet, replied Harold, merely to avoid argument. He spoke so seldom that the sound of his own voice was strange to him. Thinking over it, I suppose, in your usual solid way. Don't be hurried, but I must tell you of this affair of mine. You know Dora Milwayne? I have asked her to marry me and, by the powers, she has given me an encouraging answer. Not an actual yes, but encouraging. She's away in the Channel Islands, and I wrote. He talked on for a quarter of an hour. Then, with a sudden movement, the listener freed himself. I can't go any farther, he said hoarsely. Goodbye. Welp Day was disconcerted. I have been boring you. That's a confounded fault of mine. I know it. Biffen had waved his hand and was gone. The weaker two more would see him at the end of his money. He had no lessons now and could not ride. From his novel nothing was to be expected. He might apply again to his brother, but such dependence was unjust and unworthy. And why should he struggle to preserve a life which had no prospect but of misery? It was in the hours following his encounter with Welp Day that he first knew the actual desire of death. The simple longing for extinction. One must go find suffering before the innate will to live is thus truly overcome. Weariness of bodily anguish may induce this perversion of the instincts. Less often that despair of suppressed emotion which had fallen upon Harold. Through the night he kept his thoughts fixed on death in its aspect of repose, of eternal oblivion. And herein he had found solace. The next night it was the same. Moving about among common needs and occupations he knew not a moment's cessation of heartache, but when he lay down in the darkness a hopeful summons whispered to him. Night which had been the worst season of his pain had now grown friendly. It came as an anticipation of the sleep that is everlasting. A few more days and he was possessed by a calm of spirit such as he had never known. His resolve was taken not in a moment of supreme conflict but as the result of a subtle process by which his imagination had become in love with death. Turning from contemplation of life's one rapture he looked with the same intensity of desire to a state that had neither fear nor hope. One afternoon he went to the museum reading room and was busy for a few minutes in consultation of a volume which he took from the shelves of medical literature. On his way homeward he entered two of three chemist shops something of which he had need could be procured only in very small quantities but repetition of his demand in different places supplied him sufficiently. When he reached his room he emptied the contents of sundry little bottles into one larger and put this in his pocket. Then he wrote rather a long letter addressed to his brother at Liverpool. It had been a beautiful day and there wanted still a couple of hours before the warm golden sunlight would disappear. Harold stood and looked round his room. As always it presented a neat orderly aspect but his eye caught sight of a volume which stood upside down and this fault particularly hateful to a bookish man he rectified. He put his blotting pad square on the table closed the lid of the ink stand arranged his pants. Then he took his hat and stick locked the door behind him and went downstairs. At the foot he spoke to his landlady and told her that he should not return that night. As soon as possible after leaving the house he posted this letter. His direction was westward walking at a steady purposeful pace with cheery countenance and eyes that gave sign of pleasure as often as they turned to the sun smitten clouds he struck across Kensington Gardens and then on towards Fulham where he crossed the Thames to Putney. The sun was just setting he paused a few moments on the bridge watching the river with a quiet smile and enjoying the splendor of the sky. Up Putney Hill he walked slowly when he reached the top it was growing dark but an unwanted effect in the atmosphere caused him to turn and look to the east an exclamation escaped his lips for there before him was the new risen moon a perfect globe vast and red he gazed at it for a long time when the daylight had entirely passed he went forward onto the heave and rambled as if idly to a secluded part where trees and bushes made a deep shadow under the full moon it was still quite warm and scarcely a breath of air moved among the reddening leaves sure at length that he was remote from all observation he pressed into a little cobs and there reclined on the grass leaning against the stem of a tree the moon was now hidden from him but by looking upward he could see its light upon a long, faint cloud and the blue of the placid sky his mood was one of ineffable peace only thoughts of beautiful things came into his mind he had reverted to an earlier period of life when as yet no mission of literary realism had been imposed upon him and when his passions were still soothed by natural hope the memory of his friend Reardon was strongly present with him but of Amy he thought only as of that star which had just come into his vision above the edge of dark foliage beautiful but infinitely remote recalling Reardon's voice it brought to him those last words whispered by his dying companion he remembered them now we are such a staff as dreams are made on and our little life is rounded with a sleep End of Chapter 35 Chapter 36 of New Grubstreet this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org New Grubstreet by George Gissing Chapter 36 Jasper's Delicate Case only when he received Miss Rupert's amably worded refusal to become his wife was Jasper aware how firmly he had counted on her accepting him he told Dora with sincerity that his proposal was a piece of foolishness so far from having any regard for Miss Rupert he felt towards her with something of an antipathy and at the same time he was conscious of ardent emotions if not love a woman who would be no bad match even from the commercial point of view yet so strong was the effect upon him of contemplating a large fortune that in despite of reason and desire he lived in eager expectation of the word which should make him rich and for several hours after his disappointment he could not overcome the impression of calamity a part of that impression was due to the engagement which he must now fulfil he had pledged his word to ask Marion to marry him without further delay to shuffle out of this duty would make him too ignoble even in his own eyes its discharge meant he had expressed it that he was doomed he would deliberately be committing the very error always so flagrant to him in the case of other men who had crippled themselves by early marriage with a penniless woman but events had enmeshed him circumstances had proven fatal because in his salad days he dallied with a girl who had indeed many charms step by step he had come to the necessity of sacrificing his prospects to that raw attachment and to make it more irritating this happened just when the way began to be much clearer before him unable to think of work he left the house and wandered gloomily about Regents Park for the first time in his recollection the confidence which was want to inspire him gave way to an attack of sullen discontent he felt himself ill-used by destiny and therefore by Marion who was fate's instrument it was not in his nature that this mood should last long but it revealed to him those darker possibilities which his egoism would develop if it came seriously into conflict with over-mastering misfortune a hope, a craven hope insinuated itself into the cracks of his infirm resolve he would not examine it but conscious of its existence he was able to go home in somewhat better spirits he wrote to Marion if possible she was to meet him at half past nine next morning at Gloucester Gate he had reasons for wishing this interview to take place on neutral ground early in the afternoon when he was trying to do some work there arrived a letter which he opened with impatient hand the writing was Mrs Reardon's and he could not guess what she had to communicate Dear Mr Milvane I am distressed beyond measure to read in this morning's newspaper that poor Mr Biffin has put an end to his life doubtless you can obtain more details than are given in this bear report of the discovery of his body will you let me hear or come and see me he read and was astonished absorbed in his own affairs he had not opened the newspaper today it lay folded on a chair hastily he ran his eye over the columns and found at length a short paragraph which stated that the body of a man who had evidently committed suicide by taking poison had been found on Putney Heath that papers in his pockets identified him as one Harold Biffin lately resident in Good Street Tottenham Court Road and that an inquest would be held he went to Dora's room and told her of the event but without mentioning the letter which had brought it under his notice I suppose there was no alternative between that and starvation I scarcely thought of Biffin as likely to kill himself if Reardon had done it I shouldn't have felt the least surprise Mr Welkdale will be bringing us information no doubt said Dora who, as she spoke, thought more of that gentleman's visit than of the event that was to occasion it really one can't grieve there seemed no possibility of his ever earning enough to live decently upon but why the juice did he go all the way out there consideration for the people in whose house he lived I daresay Biffin had a good deal of native delicacy Dora felt a secret wish that someone else possessed more of that desirable quality leaving her, Jaspert made a rapid, though careful, toilet and was presently on his way to Westbourne Park it was his hope that he should reach Mrs Yule's house before any ordinary afternoon caller could arrive and so he did not been here since that evening when he encountered Reardon on the road and heard his reproaches to his great satisfaction, Amy was alone in the drawing room he held her hand a trifle longer than was necessary and returned more earnestly the look of interest with which she regarded him I was ignorant of this affair when your letter came, he began and I set out immediately to see you I hoped you would bring me some news what can have driven the poor man to such extremity poverty I can only suppose but I will see Welpdale, I hadn't come across Biffin for a long time was he still so very poor? asked Amy compassionately I'm afraid so, his book failed utterly oh, if I had imagined him still in such distress surely I might have done something to help him so often the regretful remark of one's friends when one was permitted to perish with Amy's sorrow was mingled a suggestion of tenderness that came of her knowledge that the dead man had worshipped her perchance his death was in part attributable to that hopeless love he sent me a copy of his novel, she said and I saw him once or twice after that but he was much better dressed than in former days and I thought having this subject to converse upon put the two more quickly at ease than could otherwise have been the case Jasper was closely observant of the young widow her finished graces made a strong appeal to his admiration and even in some degree awed him he saw that her beauty had matured and it was more distinctly than ever of the type to which he paid reverence Amy might take a foremost place among brilliant women at her dinner table, in grand toilet she would be superb at polite receptions people would whisper who is that? Biffin fell out of the dialogue it grieved me very much said Amy to hear of the misfortune that befell my cousin the legacy affair, why yes it was a pity especially now that her father is threatened with blindness is it so serious? I heard indirectly that he had something the matter with his eyes but I didn't know they may be able to operate before long and perhaps it will be successful but in the meantime Marion has to do his work this explains the delay fell from Amy's lips as she smiled Jasper moved uncomfortably it was a voluntary gesture the whole situation explains it he replied with some show of impulsiveness I'm very much afraid Marion is tied during her father's life indeed but there is her mother no companion for her father as I think you know even if Mr Ewell recovers his sight it is not at all likely that he will be able to work as before our difficulties are so grave that he paused and let his hand fail despondently I hope it isn't affecting your work your progress to some extent necessarily I have a good deal of will you remember and what I have set my mind upon no doubt I shall someday achieve but one makes mistakes there was silence the last three years he continued have made no slight difference in my position recall where I stood when you first knew me I have done something else since then I think but by my own steady effort indeed you have just now I am in need of a little encouragement you don't notice any falling off in my work recently no indeed do you see my things in the current and so on generally I don't think I miss many of your articles sometimes I believe I have detected you when there was no signature and Dora has been doing well her story in that girls paper has attracted attention it's a great deal to have my mind at rest about both the girls but I can't pretend to be in very good spirits heroes well I must try to find out more about poor Biffin oh you are not going yet Mr. Milvane not assuredly because I wish to but I have work to do he stepped aside but came back as if on an impulse may I ask for your advice in a very delicate matter Amy was a little disturbed but she collected herself and smiled in a way that reminded Jasper of his walk with her along Gower Street let me hear what it is he sat down again and bent forward if Marion insists that it is her duty to remain with her father am I justified or not in freely consenting with that I scarcely understand has Marion expressed a wish to devote herself in that way not distinctly but I suspect that her conscience points to it I am in serious doubt on one hand he explained in a tone of candor who will not blame me if our engagement terminates in circumstances such as these on the other you are aware by the by that her father objects in the strongest way to this marriage no I didn't know that he will neither see me nor hear of me merely because of my connection with Fadge think of that poor girl thus situated and I could so easily put her at rest by renouncing all claim upon her I surmise that that you yourself would also be put at rest by such a decision don't look at me with that ironic or smile he pleaded what you have said is true and really why should I not be glad of it I couldn't go about declaring that I was heartbroken in any event I must be content for people to judge me according to their disposition and judgments are pretty sure to be unfavorable what can I do in either case I must to a certain extent be in the wrong to tell the truth I was wrong from the first there was a slight movement about Amy's lips as these words were uttered she kept her eyes down and waited before replying the case is too delicate I fear for my advice yes I feel it is and perhaps I oughtn't have spoken of it at all well I'll go back to my scribbling I'm so very glad to have seen you again it was good of you to take the trouble to come whilst you have so much on your mind again Jasper held the white soft hand for a superfluous moment the next morning it was he who had to wait at the rendezvous he was pacing the pathway at least ten minutes before the appointed time when Marion joined him she was panting from a hurried walk and this affected Jasper disagreeably he thought of Amy Reardon's air of repose and how impossible it would be for that refined person to fall into such disorder he observed too with more disgust than usual the signs in Marion's attire of encroaching poverty her unsatisfactory gloves her mantle out of fashion yet for such feelings he reproached himself and the reproach made him angry they walked together in the same direction as when they had met here before Marion could not mistake the air of restless trouble on her companion's smooth countenance she had divined that there was some grave reason for this summons and the panting with which she approached was half caused by the anxious beats of her heart Jasper's long silence again was ominous he began abruptly you've heard that Harold Biffin has committed suicide no she replied looking shocked poisoned himself you'll find something about it in today's telegraph he gave her such details as he had obtained then added there are two of my companions fallen in the battle I ought to think myself a lucky fellow Marion what? you were better fitted to fight your way Jasper more of a brute you mean you know very well I don't you have more energy and more intellect well it remains to see how I shall come about when I am waited with graver cares than I have yet known she looked at him inquiringly but said nothing I have made up my mind about our affairs he went on presently Marion if we ever are to be married it must be now the words were so unexpected that they brought a flush to her cheeks and neck now yes will you marry me and let us take our chance her heart throbbed violently you don't mean it once Jasper would you wait until I know what father's fate is to be well now there's the point you feel yourself indispensable to your father at present not indispensable but wouldn't it seem very unkind I should be so afraid of the effect upon his health Jasper so much depends we are told on his general state of mind and body it would be dreadful if I were the cause of she paused and looked up at him touchingly I understand that but let us face our position suppose the operation is successful your father will certainly not be able to use his eyes much for a long time if ever and perhaps he would miss you as much then as now suppose he does not regain his sight could you then leave him dear I can't feel it would be my duty to announce you because my father had become blind and if you can see pretty well I don't think I need to remain with him has one thing occurred to you will he consent to receive an allowance from a person whose name is Mrs. Nelvane I can't be sure she replied much troubled and if he obstinately refuses what then what is before him Marion's head sank and she stood still why have you changed your mind so Jasper she inquired at length because I have decided that the indefinitely long engagement would be unjust to you and to myself such engagements are always dangerous sometimes they depraved the character of the man or woman she listened anxiously and reflected everything he went on would be simple enough but for your domestic difficulties as I have said there is a very serious doubt whether your father would accept money from you when you were my wife then again shall we be able to afford an allowance I thought you felt sure of that I'm not very sure of anything to tell the truth I am harassed I can't get on with my work I am very very sorry it isn't your fault Marion and well then there's only one thing to do let us wait at all events till your father has undergone the operation whichever the result you say your position will be the same except Jasper that if father is helpless I must find means of assuring his support in other words you can't do that as my wife you must remain Marion Yule after a silence Marion regarded him steadily you only see the difficulties in our way she said in a colder voice they are many I know do you think them insurmountable upon my word they almost seem so Jasper exclaimed distractedly they were not so great when we spoke of marriage a few years hence a few years he echoed in a cheerless voice that is just what I have decided is impossible Marion you shall have the plain truth I can trust your faith but I can't trust my own I will marry you now but years hence how can I tell what may happen I don't trust myself you say you will marry me now that sounds as if you had made up your mind to a sacrifice I didn't mean that to face difficulties yes whilst they spoke the sky had grown dark with a heavy cloud and now spots of rain began to fall Jasper looked about him in annoyance as he felt the moisture but Marion did not seem aware of it but shall you face them willingly I am not a man to repine and grumble put up your umbrella Marion what do I care for a drop of rain she exclaimed with passionate sadness when all my life is at stake how am I to understand you every word you speak seems intended to dishearten me do you no longer love me why need you conceal it if that is the truth is that what you mean by saying you distrust yourself if you do so there must be a reason for it in the present could I distrust myself can I force myself in any manner to believe that I shall ever cease to love you Jasper opened his umbrella we must see each other again Marion we can't stand and talk in the rain confounded cursed climate where you can never be sure of a clear sky for five minutes I can't go till you have spoken more plainly Jasper how am I to live an hour in such uncertainty as this do you love me or not do you wish me to be your wife or are you sacrificing yourself I do wish it her emotion had an effect on him and his voice trembled but I can't answer for myself no, not for a year and how are we to marry now in the face of all these what can I do what can I do she sobbed oh, if I were but heartless to everyone but you I could give away my money and leave my father and mother to their fate perhaps some could do that there is no natural law that a child should surrender everything for her parents you know so much more of the world than I do can't you advise me is there no way of providing for my father good God, this is frightful Marion I can't stand it live as you are doing let us wait and see at the cost of losing you I will be faithful to you and your voice says you promise it out of pity he had made a pretense of holding his umbrella over her but Marion turned away and walked to a little distance and stood beneath the shelter of a great tree her face averted from him moving to follow he saw that her frame was shaken by soundless sobbing when his footsteps came close to her she again looked at him I now know, she said how foolish it is when they talk about love being unselfish in what can there be more selfishness I feel as if I could hold you to your promise at any cost though you have made me understand that you regard our engagement as your great misfortune I have felt it for weeks, oh for months but I couldn't say a word that would seem to invite such misery as this you don't love me Jasper and that's an end of everything I should be ashamed if I married you whether I love you or not I feel as if no sacrifice would be too great that would bring you the happiness you deserve deserve she repeated bitterly why do I deserve it because I long for it with all my heart and soul there's no such thing as deserving happiness or misery come to us by fate is it in my power to make you happy no because it isn't in your power to call dead love to life again I think perhaps you never loved me Jasper, I could give my right hand if you said you loved me before I can't put it into words it sounds too base and I don't wish to imply that you behaved basely but if you had said you loved me before that I should have it always to remember you will do me no wrong if you charge me with baseness he replied gloomily if I believe anything I believe that I did love you but I knew myself and I should never have betrayed what I felt if for once in my life I could have been honorable the rain patted on the leaves of the grass and the sky darkened this is wretchedness to both of us Jasper added this part now Marion let me see you again I can't see you again what can you say to me more than you have said now I should feel like a beggar coming to you I must try and keep some little self-respect if I am to live at all then let me help you think of me with indifference remember me as a man who disregarded priceless love such as yours to go and make himself a proud position among fools and naves indeed that's what it's come to it is you who reject me and rightly one who is so much the mercy of a vulgar ambition as I am is no fit husband for you soon enough you would thoroughly despise me and though I should know it was merited my perverse pride would revolt against it many a time I have tried to regard my life practically as I am able to do it theoretically but it always ends in hypocrisy it is men of my kind who succeed the conscientious and those who really have a high ideal either perish or struggle on in neglect Marion had overcome her excess of emotion there is no need to disparage yourself she said what can be simpler than the truth you loved me or thought you did and now you love me no longer it is a thing that happens every day either in a man or woman and all that honour demands is the courage to confess the truth why didn't you tell me as soon as you knew that I was burdensome to you Marion will you do this will you let our engagement last for another six months but without our meeting during that time but to what purpose then we could see each other again and both be able to speak calmly and we should know with certainty what course we ought to pursue that seems to me childish it is easy for you to contemplate months of postponement but there must be an end now I can bear it no longer the rain fell unceasingly and with it began to mingle an autumnal mist Jasper delayed a moment then asked calmly are you going to the museum yes go home again for this morning Marion you can't work I must and I have no time to lose goodbye she gave him her hand they looked at each other for an instant then Marion left the shelter of the tree opened her umbrella and walked quickly away Jasper did not watch her he had the face of a man who is suffering a severe humiliation a few hours later he told Dora what had come to pass and without extenuation of his own conduct his sister said very little for she recognised genuine suffering in his tones and aspect but when it was over she sat down and broke to Marion I feel far more disposed to congratulate you than to regret what has happened now that there is no necessity for silence I will tell you something which will help you see Jasper in his true light a few weeks ago he actually proposed to a woman for whom he does not pretend to have the slightest affection but who is very rich and who seemed likely to be foolish enough to marry him yesterday morning he received her final answer a refusal I am not sure that I was right in keeping this a secret from you but I might have done harm by interfering you will understand though surely you need no fresh proof how utterly unworthy he is of you you cannot I am sure you cannot regard it as misfortune that all is over between you dearest Marion do not cease to think of me as your friend because my brother has disgraced himself if you can't see me at least let us write to each other you are the only friend I have of my own sex and I could not bear to lose you and much more of the same tenor several days passed before there came a reply it was written undisturbed kindness of feeling but in few words for the present we cannot see each other but I am very far from wishing that our friendship should come to an end I must only ask that you will write to me without the least reference to these troubles tell me always about yourself and be sure that you cannot tell me too much I hope you may soon be able to send me the news which was foreshadowed in our last talk though foreshadowed is the wrong word to use of coming happiness isn't it that paper I sent to Mr Trenchcard is accepted and I shall be glad to have your criticism when it comes out don't spare my style which needs a great deal of chastening I have been thinking couldn't you use your holiday in Sark for a story to judge from your letters you could make an excellent background of word painting door aside and shook her little head and thought of her brother with unspeakable disdain End of Chapter 36 When the fitting moment arrived Alfred Ewell underwent an operation for a cataract and it was believed at first that the result would be favourable this hope had but short duration though the utmost prudence was exercised evil symptoms declared themselves and in a few months time all prospect of restoring his vision was at an end anxiety and then the fatal assurance undermined his health with blindness there fell upon him the debility of premature old age the position of the family was desperate Marion had suffered much all the winter from attacks of nervous disorder and by no effort of will could she produce enough literary work to supplement adequately the income derived from her 1500 pounds in the summer of 1885 things were at the worst Marion saw no alternative but to draw upon her capital and so relieve the present at the expense of the future she had a mournful warning before her eyes in the case of poor Hinks and his wife who were now kept from the workhouse only by charity but at this juncture the rescuer appeared Mr. Quaramby and certain of his friends were already making a subscription for the Ewell's benefit when one of their number, Mr. Jedwood, the publisher came forward with a proposal which relieved the minds of all concerned Mr. Jedwood had a brother who was the director of a public library in a provincial town and by this means he was enabled to offer Marion Ewell a place as assistant in that institution she would receive 75 pounds a year and thus adding her own income would be able to put her parents beyond the reach of want the family at once removed from London and the name of Ewell was no longer met with in periodical literature by an interesting coincidence it was on the day of this departure that there appeared in a number of the West End the place of honour that of the weak celebrity was occupied by Clement Fadge a coloured portrait of this illustrious man challenged the admiration of all who had literary tastes and two columns of Panagyric recorded his career for the encouragement of aspiring youth this article, of course unsigned came from the pen of Jasper Milvane it was only by indirect channels that Jasper learned how Marion and her parents had been provided for Dora's correspondence with her friend soon languished in the nature of things this could not but happen and about the time when Alfred Ewell became totally blind the girls ceased to hear anything of each other an event which came to pass in the spring sorely tempted Dora to write but out of good feeling she refrained for it was then that she at length decided to change her name for that of Welpdale Jasper could not quite reconcile himself to this condescension and various discourses he pointed out to his sister how much higher she might look if she would only have a little patience Welpdale will never be a man of any note a good fellow I admit but born in all senses let me impress upon you my dear girl that I have a future before me and that there is no reason with your charm of person and mind why you should not marry brilliantly Welpdale can give you a decent home I admit but as regards society he will be a drag upon you it happens Jasper that I have promised to marry him replied Dora in a significant tone well I regret it but you are of course your own mistress I shall make no unpleasantness I don't dislike Welpdale and I shall remain on friendly terms with him that is very kind of you said his sister Swavly Welpdale was frantic with exaltation when the day of the wedding had been settled he rushed into Jasper's study and fairly shed tears before he could command his voice there is no mortal on the surface of the globe one tenth so happy as I am he gasped I can't believe it why in the name of sense and justice have I been suffered to attain this blessedness think of the days when I all but starved in my Albany street garret scarcely better off than poor dear old Biffin why should I have come to this and Biffin have poisoned himself in despair he was a thousand times a better and cleverer fellow than I and poor old Reardon dead in misery could I for a moment compare with him my dear fellow said Jasper calmly compose yourself and be logical in the first place success has nothing whatever to do with moral desserts and then both Reardon and Biffin were hopelessly unpractical and such an admirable social order as ours they were bound to go to the dogs let us be sorry for them but let us recognize Kossus rerum as Biffin would have said you have exercised ingenuity and perseverance you have your reward and when I think that I might have married fatally on 13 or 14 different occasions by the by I implore you never to tell Dora those stories about me I should lose all her respect do you remember the girl from Birmingham he laughed wildly heaven be praised that she threw me over eternal gratitude to all and sundry of the girls who have plunged me into wretchedness I admit that you have run the gauntlet and that you have had marvelous escapes but be good enough to leave me alone for the present I must finish this review by midday only one word I don't know how to thank Dora how to express my infinite sense of her goodness will you try to do so for me you can speak to her with calmness will you tell her what I have said to you oh certainly I should recommend a quibbling draw of some kind look in at a chemist as you walk on the heavens did not fall before the marriage day and the wedded pair betook themselves for a few weeks to the continent they had been back again and established in their house at Earl's Court for a month when one morning about twelve o'clock Jasper dropped in as though casually Dora was writing she had no thought of entirely abandoning literature and had in hand at present a very pretty tale which would probably appear in the English girl her bourgeois and which she sat could not well have been daintier or more appropriate to the charming characteristics of its mistress Mrs. Welpdale affected no literary slovenliness she was dressed in light colors and looked so lovely that even Jasper paused on the threshold with a smile of admiration upon my word he exclaimed I am proud of my sisters what did you think of Maud last night wasn't she superb she certainly did look very well but I doubt if she's happy that is her own look out I told her plainly enough my opinion of Dallamore but she was in such a tremendous hurry you are detestable Jasper is it inconceivable to you that a man or woman should be disinterested when they marry by no means Maud didn't marry for money any more than I did you remember the northern farmer don't thou marry for money but go where money is an admirable piece of advice well Maud made a mistake let us say Dallamore is a clown and now she knows it why if she had waited she might have married one of the leading men of the day she is fit to be a duchess as far as appearance goes but I was never snobbish I care very little about titles what I look to is intellectual distinction combined with financial success why that is what distinction means he looked round the room with a smile you are not uncomfortable here old girl I wish mother could have lived till now I wish it very very often Dora replied in a moved voice we haven't done badly drawbacks considered now you may speak of money as scornfully as you like but suppose you had married a man who could only keep you in lodgings how would life look to you who ever disputed the value of money but there are things one mustn't sacrifice to gain it I suppose so well I have some news for you Dora I am thinking of following your example Dora's face changed to grave anticipation and who is it Amy Reardon his son Amy Reardon his sister turned away with a look of intense annoyance you see I am disinterested myself he went on I might find a wife who had wealth and social standing but I choose Amy deliberately an abominable choice no an excellent choice I have never yet met a woman so well fitted to aid me in my career she has a trifling sum of money which will be useful for the next year or two what has she done with the rest of it then oh the ten thousand is intact but it can't be seriously spoken of it will keep up appearances till I get my editorship and so on we shall be married early in August I think I want to ask you if you will go and see her on no account I couldn't be civil to her Jasper's brows blackened this is idiotic prejudice Dora I think I have some claim upon you I have shown some kindness you have and I'm not ungrateful but I dislike Mrs. Reardon and I couldn't bring myself to be friendly with her you don't know her too well you yourself have taught me to know her don't compel me to say what I think of her she is beautiful and high-minded and warm-hearted I don't know a womanly quality that she doesn't possess you will offend me most seriously if you speak a word against her then I will be silent but you must never ask me to meet her never never then we shall quarrel I haven't deserved this Dora if you refuse to meet my wife on terms of decent friendliness there's no more intercourse between your house and mine you have to choose persist in this fatuous obstinacy and I have done with you so be it that is your final answer Dora, who is now as angry as he gave a short affirmative and Jasper at once left her I should rest at this pass the brother and sister were bound by a strong mutual affection and Welpdale was not long in effecting a compromise my dear wife he exclaimed and despair at the threatened calamity you are right a thousand times but it's impossible for you to be on ill terms with Jasper there's no need for you to see much of Mrs. Reardon I hate her she killed her husband I am sure of it my darling she is a cold cruel unprincipled creature Jasper makes himself more than ever contemptible by marrying her all the same and less than three weeks Mrs. Welpdale had called upon Amy and the call was returned the two women were perfectly conscious of reciprocal dislike but they smothered the feeling beneath conventional suavities Jasper was not backward in making known his gratitude for Dora's concession and indeed it became clear to all his intimates that this marriage would be by no means one of mere interest the man was in love at last if he had never been before let lapse the ensuing 12 months and come to an evening at the end of July 1886 Mr. and Mrs. Milvane are entertaining a small and select party of friends at dinner their house in Bayswater is neither large nor internally magnificent but it will do very well for the temporary sojourn of a young man of letters with everything and confident expectation who is a good deal talkative who can gather clever and worthy people at his table and whose matchless wife would attract men of taste to a very much poorer abode Jasper had changed considerably in appearance since that last holiday that he spent in his mother's house at Finden at present he would have been taken for five and thirty though only in his 29th year his hair was noticeably thinning his mustache had grown heavier a wrinkle or two showed beneath his eyes his voice was softer yet firmer it goes without saying that his evening uniform lacked no point of perfection and somehow it suggested a more elaborate care than that of other men in the room he laughed frequently and with a throwing back of the head which seemed to express a spirit of triumph Amy looked her years to the full but her type of beauty as you know was independent of youthfulness that suspicion of masculinity observable in her when she became Reardon's wife impressed one now only as the consummate grace of a perfectly built woman you saw that at forty, at fifty she would be one of the stateliest of dames when she bent her head towards a person with whom she spoke it was an act of queenly favor her words were uttered with just enough deliberation to give them the value of an opinion she smiled with a delicious shade of irony her glance intimated that nothing could be too subtle for her understanding the guests numbered six and no one of them was insignificant two of the men were about Jasper's age and they had already made their mark in literature the third was a novelist of circulating fame spirally crescent the three of the stronger sex were excellent modern types with sweet lips attuned to epigram and good broad brows the novelist at one point rushed into Amy is it true that Fadge is leaving the current? it is rumored, I believe going to the quarterlies, they say remarked the lady he is getting terribly autocratic have you heard the delightful story of his telling Mr. Rowland to persevere as his last work was one of considerable promise? Mr. Rowland was a man who had made a merited reputation when Fadge was still on the lower rungs of journalism Amy smiled and told another anecdote to the great editor while speaking, she caught her husband's eye and perhaps this was the reason why her story at the close seemed rather amiably pointless not a common fault when she narrated when the ladies had withdrawn one of the younger men in conversation about a certain magazine remarked Thomas always maintains that it was killed by that solemn old stager, Alfred Yule by the way, he is dead himself, I hear Jasper bent forward Alfred Yule is dead so Jedwood told me this morning he died in the country somewhere blind and fallen on evil days poor old fellow all the guests were ignorant of any tie of kindred between their host and the man spoken of I believe, said the novelist that he had a clever daughter who used to do all the work he signed that used to be a current bit of scandal in Fadge's circle oh, there was much exaggeration in that remarked Jasper, blandly his daughter assisted him doubtless but in quite a legitimate way one used to see her at the museum the subject was dropped an hour and a half later when the last stranger had taken his leave Jasper examined two or three letters which had arrived since dinnertime and were lying on the hall table with one of them open in his hand he suddenly sprang up the stairs and leaped rather than stepped into the drawing-room ami was reading an evening paper look at this, he cried holding the letter to her it was a communication from the publishers who owned the current they stated that the editorship of that review would shortly be resigned by Mr. Fadge and they inquired whether Milvain would feel disposed to assume the vacant chair ami sprang up and threw her arms about her husband's neck uttering a cry of delight so soon, oh, this is great this is glorious do you think this would have been offered to me but for the spacious life we have led of late? never, was I right in my calculations, ami? did I ever doubt it? he returned to embrace ardently and gazed into her eyes with profound tenderness doesn't the future brighten? it has been very bright to me, Jasper since I became your wife and I owe my fortune to you, dear girl now the way is smooth they placed themselves on a sati Jasper with an arm about his wife's waist as if they were newly plaited lovers when they had talked for a long time Milvain said in a changed tone I am told that your uncle is dead he mentioned how the news had reached him I must make inquiries tomorrow I suppose there will be a notice in the study and some of the other papers I hope somebody will make it an opportunity to have a hit that ruffian fedge by the by it doesn't much matter now how you speak a fedge but I was a trifle anxious when I heard your story at dinner oh, you can afford to be more independent what are you thinking about? nothing why do you look sad? yes, I know, I know I'll try to forgive you I can't help thinking at times of the poor girl, Amy life will be easier for her now with only her mother to support someone spoke of her this evening and repeated Fadge's lie that she used to do all her father's writing she was capable of doing it I must seem to you rather a poor-brained woman in comparison, isn't it true? my dearest, you are a perfect woman and poor Marion was only a clever schoolgirl do you know I never could help imagining that she had ink stains on her fingers heaven forbid that I should say it unkindly it was touching to me at the time for I knew how fearfully hard she worked she nearly ruined your life remember that Jasper was silent you will never confess it and that is a fault in you she loved me, Amy perhaps as a schoolgirl loves but you never loved her no Amy examined his face as he spoke her image is very faint before me, Jasper pursued and soon I shall scarcely be able to recall it yes, you are right she nearly ruined me and in more senses than one poverty and struggle under such circumstances would have made me a detestable creature as it is I am not such a bad fellow, Amy she laughed and caressed his cheek no, I am far from a bad fellow I feel kindly to everyone who deserves it I like to be generous in word and deed trust me, there's many a man who would like to be generous but is made despicably mean by necessity what a true sentence that is of Landers it has been repeated often enough that vice leads to misery will no man declare that misery leads to vice I have much of the weakness that might become viciousness but I am now far from the possibility of being vicious of course there are men like Faj who seem only to grow meaner the more prosperous they are but these are exceptions happiness is the nurse of virtue and independence the root of happiness true, the glorious privilege of being independent yes, Burns understood the matter go to the piano, dear and play me something if I don't mind, I shall fall into Welpdale's vein and talk about my blessedness ha, isn't the world a glorious place? for rich people yes, for rich people how I pity the poor devils play anything better still if you will sing my nightingale so Amy played and then sang and Jesper lay back in dreamy bliss End of Chapter 37 End of New Grub Street by George Gissing