 Hi, it's George Cal and I'm really happy to be here with Eric Ben-Sousson. He is a transformational Relationship coach and we're gonna have a great conversation today about how our relationship with ourselves Is the most important relationship that we have Eric, thanks for being here. Well, thank you for having me. It's always nice to chat with you Yeah, I'm looking forward to this. So let me first share your bio with the audience And then we'll get into this conversation about transformational relationships Okay, so Eric's passion is understanding how relationships work from a psychological emotional spiritual and even scientific point of view and then using that knowledge to help people his own experience Relationships has blessed him with some of his life's greatest lessons and caused him to look beyond his circumstances To unravel his true personality and then choose to powerfully live the life that he wants Eric works with individuals as well as couples as a transformational relationship coach and the core of his work is The relationship you have with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship that you have and I will be sure to put the links to Eric's website and He's also active on Instagram and Facebook and I'll put those links in the notes of the videos Be sure to check out his content. It's some great stuff. So Eric There's you know, this is a rich conversation that we could spend hours on But I'll just you know I'd love for you to share some tips and some wisdom from your own experiences And you've coached a lot of people over the years Oh, and I should also mention that you are one of the members of my master heart group coaching program So it's really great to have you as part of that so One of the topics that you like to talk about is creating awareness about our own life experiences So what does what does that mean? Yeah, absolutely So here's the thing the core of my work as you said is the relationship you have with yourself will set the tone with every other Relationship you have to to summarize that is the way you feel about yourself creates your life experience so if I Think that I'm not good enough for if I think that I'm not worthy of love This is what I'm gonna attract and this is what I'm going to create in my own experience Because my thoughts and my behavior will match that belief so Creating awareness is to be really honest with yourself and to be able to recognize when Whatever you do in your life and whatever you experience in your relationship Is your responsibility? because most of the time what we do is we get into a relationship, right whether it's with a Romantic partner or a parent or friends or a co-worker, right? And when something goes off or when something goes wrong, we start to blame the other person Oh, but he did that. He doesn't know me blah blah blah blah blah, you know It's internal dialogue that we can have with ourselves sometimes But the thing is if you step back from that and say, okay This is how I feel in this moment and this is what my experience is. Okay, doesn't mean that's who I am But this is just my experience. So when I have this Conversation with my wife, for example around the dishes, for example, okay, I get triggered. I get upset So instead of blaming her is to be aware that if in this moment I'm triggered It's because I'm already triggered. It has nothing to do with the situation that I am in or the conversation that I have with my wife So it means that the trigger exists within myself And it's almost like my wife by saying whatever she wants to say push a button and I go back to my past to an emotional Wants that I have and In that moment I'm reacting So creating awareness is making the difference and being aware when I'm reacting and when I'm responding So whenever you have a gut feeling and you want to say something When someone when when you're in this situation that's reacting. Okay, so when I react creating awareness is catching yourself and saying hey Right now I feel trigger. I feel I'm upset or I notice that I'm getting angry right now But this is about me. So if I take responsibility about that I can just slow down I can let My partner knows about that and I can say, you know, whatever happens here. This is how I feel and Then step back and Take the time that I need in order to answer in order to respond And most yeah, go on. No, I was this is great And so I mean I can think about my own situations, you know with my wife and so when you say that the trigger already exists You're saying that Because of a past negative experience we had It created this pattern. Maybe it created this template for okay in the future if this kind of thing happens again You should react negatively. Is that something like that? Yeah, absolutely. It's about patterns. It's about belief But it's also about Wounds that we have okay. So as we grew up whether we have the best parents or the worst parents in the world We're gonna have trauma because as a kid and even as an adult we are Making meaning machine something happen and we make it mean something. That's how the brain works It's just the way it is So for example very quickly I'm a six years old boy I come home very excited and I said to my mother. Hey mom, there is something happening at school I really want you to come because there are other parents coming Would you be able to come Friday at 10 a.m. In the morning and my mother will say hey, you're that's very nice But you know, I need to work and I can't do that and I can't take a day off for that What's happening is that as a six years old? I'm gonna make it mean something Maybe I'm gonna make it mean. Oh Why other parents come and my mother doesn't come maybe my mother doesn't Care about me. Maybe my mother doesn't love me enough to show up and From those meaning that we make as a child Then we're gonna make decision and then we're gonna carry those decisions So maybe I'm gonna I'm gonna withdraw some some or I'm gonna be some other kids would be Resentful, but if I withdraw for example, I would never ask again Someone to do something from especially my parents and then I carried that decision with me all my life and You can see how irrelevant it is as you are an adult to carry those kind of decision that you took when you were Six years old based on a meaning that has nothing to do with reality Does it make sense to you? Yeah, absolutely This is this is hard work Right because it is about and but it's very well It's about living consciously and it's the kind of work that turns us truly Helpless mature into into adults rather than like little immature kids walking around in adult bodies Right. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. But but here's the thing. Here's the the opportunity and here's the choice that we have Let's say I'm in a relationship. Okay, and I'm getting triggered by something The minute I can recognize. Oh, it's about me. I'm responsible for my trigger and how I feel Nobody can make me feel bad. If I feel bad, it's about me. I Have an opportunity here. Okay, I can recognize. What's the thought behind that? What's the patterns? That did it happen before with other of my partners did happen in other circumstances of my life It's really about being honest with yourself and Taking responsibility and the minute you start taking responsibility You start to transform the relationship you have with yourself. Of course, I don't say it's gonna happen over nights, right? It's a It's a a practice that you have to to keep going keep going keep going and of course when you get triggered or when you get like Emotional or you want to react? It's very important To detach yourself from how you feel. Okay, so to sing how you feel is always valid Okay, that's that's that's a statement. You have to do then the second thing is it's not because I feel sad or I feel angry That I'm someone bad or that I'm someone that can deal with relationship. I don't have to identify myself With how I feel in the moment So if I don't identify with the trigger in that moment I can step back and and be honest and say, hey, what's behind that trigger? What's what's really What's the truth behind that and What's the most important and I would say that to anyone it's not to find Immediate answers because you won't find immediate answers But it's to change the inner dialogue that you have with yourself Instead of blaming instead of judging yourself or judging other Just stop by saying if I'm getting triggered right now if there is a resistance that I feel right now in my in my body There is a truth behind that And if I sit down and I say what's the truth behind that and if I'm being really honest I like that sentence you can tell yourself if I'm being really honest What's the truth behind that and the most important I want to emphasize that it's not to find immediate answers It's to change the inner dialogue that you have with yourself and over time of course the more you trust that The more work you do based on that then you will be able to have some answers coming from your own inner guidance You know what I mean? Yeah, that's great. And of course, it's helpful if if the person can have a third party like yourself to to talk with about you know, what's coming up and things like that so How do you notice this this question Maybe too too long to discuss right now, but I'm curious How do you know if let's say your spouse is doing something that you don't think is the right thing to do? Whether it is a trigger Hmm, or whether he or she should really change. You know what I mean? Like is it? How do I know if it's if it's my own, you know, if I'm too clean or you know Something happened to me in the past where it's like, I don't have to be so clean or she really should clean the dishes Better, you know, and so you see what I mean. It's like yeah, we judge that you you already answer the question So let me let me point how you answer the question. Yes, yes You mentioned the other person should change or the other person should do something and the minute you say should it's a judgment So all you have to do in those moments is to be honest and saying hey Here's my experience right now Yeah, cuz you can blame others. You're only responsible for how you're experiencing. So if you say to your wife, hey, honey, I Want to share something really important for me and here is my experience of this situation that we are in right now My experience is I'm getting triggered. I'm getting upset and I'm starting to have the story in my head that you have to change that you have to do the dishes that you have to do that and I won't I at the same times. I want to honor how I feel but I also want to acknowledge the stories that I have in my head and All you have to do in those moments is to share your experience. So being vulnerable enough with your partner to share your experience and Your partner has nothing to say about that. Your partner has just to acknowledge your experience Because guess what your experience in her experience is totally different two different worlds So it's very difficult to get What the experience of the other is but what we can do is hold a space for each other to say hey I'm sorry. You feel that way I'm sorry. You have this experience right now. How can I support you? Do you need sometimes for yourself? You want to go for a walk and then maybe we can talk later something like that and that's how It's it's what I call being in a conversation being in a honest conversation. I'm feeling vulnerable I'm feeling upset. I'm just sharing with my partner how I feel about that and I share my experience So it's my point of view. There is no blame about her There is no judgment about the other person and I think it makes a lot of difference if you can Start shifting the conversation with your partner around all of that It's great. Does it make sense to you? Yeah. Yeah, it does and and I think what I like about this is that Making it more open and vulnerable like that helps with the relationship closeness, you know the intimacy Yeah, yeah when you're able to be vulnerable like that, you know, because nobody wants I mean I don't feel comfortable saying that to my partner whatever she says to me that I feel angry or that I feel resentful Or that I feel I don't feel comfortable with that because I I don't want to feel that way, right? But if I'm honest with myself, this is how I feel and if How I feel is okay, I can just be vulnerable in that month and say hey This is how I feel right now and this is important for me to share that with you And actually I'm just gonna diverse because we are two men having a conversation and a lot of women will Listen to that conversation That's what the woman expect from man They expect us to be vulnerable and once we get to that point where we are vulnerable They are more connected with us more connected with with our masculinity and their femininity Because then there is nothing to fix about but they can nurture something that you don't have within yourself and and I think the the feminine energy is to nurture that and as the opposite as a man when A woman says something to us. This is how I feel. This is my experience We go into the fixer mind. I need to fix something. I need to do something about it So as men if we can stop doing that and say, oh, okay, I didn't know you were having this experience and Wow Just listen That's what we we can that's one of the best things we can do Because then the other person in in in this case woman they feel heard they feel a knowledge for how they feel, right and Chances are in your life whether you're a man or your woman you have been invalidated in your feelings when you grew up Someone told you you shouldn't sing that way. You shouldn't feel that way or this is bad to feel that way But who are they to say that because your experience is always valid So it's very important as men and women to create that safe space that we can bound and connect more with each other, right? and Maybe there is a one tool that I was thinking about that I want to share with you if you're okay George Yeah, great because because I talk about resist. I talk about triggers and resistances, right? So There is one way you can know When you are in resistance So here's the tool Think about something That few people has said to you about you same thing, you know few few different people told you something about you That you don't like that you don't want to hear And once you have that example in mind Just get back with that feeling. What is the feeling in your body? Is it something like it's For example for me when something happened like that, I feel like I'm feeling tense my chest Will be tight And I'm going to have maybe something in my throat like it's Excruciating in the moment to talk about that. That's my experience. That's my resistance So whenever I get to that point and I feel that coming. I know that I am in resistance So if I know that I am in resistance What can I do about that? I can just say hey Eric Be honest with yourself right now and what's the truth behind? That resistance Because if I don't like something that few people have to say about me It's because there is a truth behind that and maybe As I reflect on that and as I sit with myself Trying to answer those questions at some point. I will get some insight back immediately and the more you practice The more you get answers and suddenly you say oh my god. I know where is that coming from I remember a time in my life where I was I was feeling exactly the same and then you you start Knowing where is the where is that coming from so you can do something about it and and you can recognize That you have been wounded at some point and that that there's a need for healing in that So then healing that is either is another job. It's like what I call the the shadow work The shadow work is whenever you have a resistance Instead of letting the resistance go away and step away and say hey, okay being in denial what I call being in denial And say I will deal with that later. No you do it now It's a 24 seven Work so some people are going to get afraid about what I'm saying right now, but it is It is a 24 seven because here's what's happening If you don't address the resistance in the moment Or at night, right The resistance is going to start to build up and on a scale from zero to 10 You don't want to solve problem when you are at a 10 Because it's already too late. You want to solve the problem when you are at a two or a three Especially when you are in your relationship with the partner So it's really important that we can get that idea and we can say okay, there is a problem. Let's talk about it Especially for men women are more inclined to talk about it But men we are not inclined because we don't want to feel vulnerable because we think it's We feel weak if we are too vulnerable with our with With our partners. You know what I mean does it make sense to you? Totally. Yeah, this is good Yes, and so If somebody is You know watching this or listening to this and say well, Eric, how do you work with clients on these things? Um, and by the way, you do one-on-one work with clients and you also have upcoming you will have online workshops as well Um, you know the way I think about it is okay If you're if your problem is at a you know one two three or four level Maybe you could take the online workshop and maybe help yourself But if your problem is five six seven eight nine ten you need to work with Eric, you know personally But but can you give an example of what it's like to work with you? Yeah, absolutely the thing is he is One of the things that I do and one one of my skills is to hold space for people Okay Because as I said before chances that you have been invalidated whether it's your partner or whether it's someone in your life And you don't feel hurt. You don't feel a knowledge for how you feel And you get to a point where you feel Where you feel well, what's wrong with me? What am why am I feeling that way and why am I recreating the same experience over and over again? So one of the things that I do and and I'm very good at is holding a space for people That they can be able to express themselves without feeling being judged And as I reflect back With them from what I see about them and from what I see how they They handle life and how they handle conflicts, right? They start to feel a knowledge For how they feel And and they start to feel that they are there is someone In their corner. So it's part like we are a team, right? And what I'm really good at one of my of my biggest skill Is to very quickly when I when I get to work with a client Is to know exactly where they need to focus their attention To make some changes And you always there is there's always a starting point where you need to make some changes And sometimes the changes are very small, but it's going to have a huge impact And and whenever I do that for people I can see transformation. I can see people like open up And people start to talk about things that they never talked about So they are okay to be vulnerable with me, right? Because I'm not here to judge them. I'm just here to validate how they feel And then to find other solution that they can help or that they can they can get the right support That they can do something about it Then they can know where is that coming from and what do I do now? So it's it's also really how I started this interview. It's really about creating awareness Because when you create this when you have this awareness Then you have a choice I can make new choices in my life and when I start to make new choices in my life I open a realm of new possibilities So sometimes I want I want to tell people sometimes you feel stuck and you feel really wow Why am I recreating the same experience over and over again? You know in relationship? That's what we do until we get to a point and there is a breakthrough about that So don't get scared about that. It's just you're just one step away To find how you can be How you can create that awareness and how you can start to make new choices because that that is all about Yeah, yeah, absolutely Thank you so much, Eric. I really appreciate this conversation and I hope people watching this felt encouraged and felt more Some awareness going forward today about how we can use the relationships use every situation to really become better people and more loving people Yeah, I just want to add something to just to wrap up is When you do that kind of work, whether you stay with your partner, whether you want to to split away doesn't matter You do it. This is something that you gain for your own life. This is something that you gain to strengthen the relationship You have with yourself Yeah, and the more you feel strong with yourself The more you will attract better situation in your life Yeah, absolutely And I want to take this opportunity also to say that each month I'm offering complimentary session So if you feel stuck in any kind of relationship right now, whether it's partner or at work or something Just reach out to me. There is no obligation But in one hour I can change your perspective And I can show you how to make new choices and create the awareness that you need And that's what I love to do is being of service Awesome, awesome. The website your website is ericben-sousson.com So that's a er uh, eric ben-sousson is b-e-n-s-o-u-s-s-a-n dot com you're also on facebook and instagram and the um The uh, the username there is healing relationships now all one word healing relationships now you can find eric On instagram and facebook. So eric. Thank you so much. I'll put the links in the notes So people just click on it and uh, thanks for the work that you do Thank you very much. Thanks