 So what are the workshop objectives quickly, assertive versus passive versus aggressive behavior. How do we differentiate an helpful thinking about assertive behavior. Assertiveness techniques saying no assertively in six different ways essentially what we are going to see is all the six assertiveness techniques applied to saying no. And of course my favorite word piece. What is a certainness. There was a huge jargony definition out there, but here's a working definition which I like to tell people a certainness is the quality of being self assured and confident without being aggressive. In a very visual way. This is a certainness that is it lies between passiveness and aggressiveness. So, passive is a person who violates their own rights and others needs are given priorities. An aggressive person, while it's like the violence rights of others and own needs have priorities, whereas an assertive person respects both own needs and the rights of others. Why lack of a certainness is a problem. Everybody wants to volunteer anything on that. And guys you can interrupt me in between us question doesn't matter. It gives rise to low self esteem dysfunctional emotions, like being anxious, resentful, guilty, stressed. It gives rise to social phobia. And studies have shown that lack of assertiveness has a person with a lack of assertiveness has greater likelihood of substance abuse. What stops us from being assertive is these are the unhelpful thoughts and thinking patterns, which stop us from being assertive. I'm trying to avoid all the jargony terms and all the CBT terms, which CBT cognitive behavioral therapy is the modality which I practice. So self defeating beliefs, like it is uncaring rude and selfish to assert. It will upset the person and ruin relationships. It will be terribly embarrassing. Of course, skill deficit, people just don't know how to be assertive. There is anxiety and stress, which is related to being assertive. Situation evaluation for the situation evaluations at times this is to lack of assertiveness. Of course, huge cultural and generational influences. Many cultures, including ours views assertiveness as being rude. So because like it or not, we are a patriarchal society. So women being assertive are definitely definitely viewed as rude in many, many instances. How to avoid that. Here I was what are known as our assertive rights. This is from a book very. I don't know. I can't recall the name of the book, but these are our assertive rights. Every human has this, these set of rights, of course, every right comes with a responsibility attached. You have right to judge your own behavior, thoughts and emotions and to take responsibility for the initiation and consequences upon yourself. You have a right to say no without having to explain yourself. You have right to offer no reasons or excuses for justifying your behavior. Just follow up of point two. You have right to judge if you are responsible for finding solutions to other people's problems. You have a right to change your mind. You have a right to disagree with someone's opinion. You have a right to make mistakes and be responsible for the offers. You have a right to say I don't know. You have a right to be illogical in making decisions. This is a tricky one. We may discuss it later. You have a right to say I don't understand. You have a right to say I don't care. Again, a bit jarring to hear that. But yes, you do have a right to say I don't care. And with that right comes the responsibility of saying that as well, but you nobody can stop you from saying I don't care. So for all of these races, the way they come into responsibilities. Any any questions so far. Any comments. Yeah. No, I mean, we are good. Okay, so we just. Okay, so this is going good. No questions. No discussions. We are much better, better keeping a much better time. To types of assertiveness techniques or types of assertions. So a key to note in all these techniques will differentiate it from being aggressive is the nonverbal component. Whenever you are assertive, your body stance is neutral. Your voice is also neutral and calm. You are not speaking too fast. Neither are you speaking to slow. Basic assertion clearly express your needs once he leaves. This is what I want. So uses I statement. I want to be heard by you before you make any further comments. I need to be away by five o'clock. I feel pleased but with the way the issue has been resolved. Also, this is used for just information giving information or when raising an issue. I haven't thought about that before I like time to think about your idea. I thought your presentation was really good. These are all basic assertions. The cost will be $2,000. I wonder what that is for. These specific avoid padding. Keep it simple. The I statement shows that you are taking responsibility for yourself. Empathetic assertion. The other person involved in the situation may not fit your needs and you try to tell the person that you are aware of that. You want to indicate that you are aware of the sense aware of and sensitive of their position. I appreciate that you don't like the new procedure. And until it is changed, I like to keep it you to keep working on it. I know you're busy at the moment, John. I'd like to make a request of you. I recognize it's difficult to be precise on the cost, but I would still like a estimate. Useful for preventing your overreaction and aggression. Acknowledge the other person. Be sensitive towards them and then put across your assertive statement. Always remember the nonverbal cues are also important. You can't go thump on your desk and say, I know what you are trying to say. But no, it's not. It doesn't work that way. Moderate your voice and say, yes, I understand your situation, but this is what I want you to do. Watch out for passive aggressiveness in the guise of empathetic assertion. Consequence assertion, the harshest form of assertion, very narrow line between this and the aggressive. It is a last resort behavior, Jews where someone has not considered the rights of others and the other person is being aggressive. Work situations, guidelines and procedures not followed, for example, inform the person the consequences for them of not changing can be seen as aggressively be very careful. Calm voice, even pitch and volume, keep good eye contact, keep body and face relaxed. Examples, if you continue to withhold the information, I'm left with no option but to bring in the production director. I would prefer not to. I'm not prepared, John, to let any of my staff cooperate with yours on the project unless you give them access to the same facilities that your people have. Consequence assertion, you are saying that unless something happens, you are not willing to do what you are supposed to do. If this occurs again, I'm left with no alternative but to apply the formal disciplinary procedure. I would prefer not to. Discrepancy assertion, that is pointing out a discrepancy in the what other person has stated and stating your point of view. Works by pointing out, yeah, that's useful for clarifying misunderstandings, contradictions and behavior mismatch. As I understand it, we agreed that project A was top priority. Now you're asking me to give more time to project B, I'd like to clarify, which is now the priority. Paul, on one hand, you're saying that you want to improve cooperation between our departments. But on the other hand, you make statements about us that make it difficult for us to cooperate. I agree, we can improve the situation. So I would like to talk about it. It is assertive statements need not be very simple only simple statements are the basic assertions. You can go on escalating it. Discrepancy assertion is this negative feeling assertion. So when you are feeling angry or hurt, this is where you use negative feeling assertions. They can be used to calm you down, and it allows you to deal with your feelings. And without making an uncontrolled burst and alerts the other person of their actions towards you, it has four steps. Describe the other's behavior. Describe the impact of that behavior on you. Describe your feelings and describe the preferred alternate behavior. Let's look at examples for this. When you come home late without telling me before, I worry that something is wrong and I feel angry. I would really appreciate if you ring and let me know before four components. When you continually interrupt me when I'm working on balance sheet, it means I have to start all over again. I'm feeling irritated by this. So I would prefer you wait until I have finished four components. Broken record of assertions. Children are the children are the expert of this. And it is very effective. So what you're going to say beforehand, most likely the places where you are going to use the broken report technique are known beforehand. Repeat as many times as needed, useful in dealing with clever and articulate people stick to your prepared lines. Avoid irrelevant logic or argumentative bait. Good technique for saying no. Can I borrow 20 from you? I can't lend you any money I have run out. I'll pay you back as soon as blah blah blah. I can't lend you any money. I would do the same for you. You won't miss 20 and your friend, but I can't lend you any money I have run out. So this is the broken record technique. Not so relevant unless you know what the broken record signified, but I will let it pass for brevity of time. Technique escalation. It is not that you use only one technique and stop at that. You can escalate depending on the situation. Combine broken record with other techniques to escalate your assertions, always begin with the mildest chance, sequentially getting more and more assertive. Avoid jumping in with the previous consequence chance. That is a threat that is not an assertion. So you start with basic empathetic consequence. And then come on to the broken record technique. Practicing assertiveness technique, what? Begin them practicing them in a neutral situation, not a hostile environment. Because if you have not been assertive before, it is going to be difficult to start being assertive in a hostile environment. Practice in a comparatively safer place. First time you try it may not go as planned. It is important. You don't beat yourself about this. You are human. You are fallible. Practice will make you make the technique permanent for you. Have another go. Over time you will find that it gets easier. Now applying what we have learned about assertiveness to know. Again, effects of not being able to say no can read resentment anger towards the person you said yes to. You become frustrated and disappointed. You become overworked, stressed, anxiety and depression are also consequences. Unhelpful beliefs about saying no. Saying no is rude and aggressive. Saying no is unkind, uncaring and selfish. Saying no will hurt and upset others and make them feel rejected. Saying no to somebody means that they won't like me anymore. Others' needs are more important than mine. I should always try and please others and be helpful. So these are the unhelpful beliefs about saying no. Saying no over little things is small-minded and petty. But these little things they stack up and ultimately they catch up with you. So what are the alternate helpful beliefs on saying no? Other people have right to ask and I have the right to refuse. When you say no, you are refusing a request you are not rejecting the person. When we say yes to one thing, we are actually saying no to something else. We always have a choice and we are constantly making choice. So yes doesn't mean yes to everything. That means you have indeed rejected something. And most often people overestimate the difficulty in saying no. And that is why they feel that when they say no, they will be more embarrassed or rude or whatever than what the real situation is. So avoid overestimation when you are going to say no. How to behave when saying no? Be straightforward, forward, honest, but not rude so that you can make a point effectively. As a rule, keep it brief. Tell the person if you are finding it difficult to say no. Be polite, say something like, thank you for asking, speak slowly with warmth otherwise the no may sound abrupt. Don't apologize, give elaborate reasons for saying no. It is your right to say no if you don't want to do this. Remember it is better in the long run to be truthful than to read resentment and bitterness within yourself. When saying no, take responsibility of it. Don't blame or make excuses, change, I can't do, I don't want to. Settle difference, I can't, an external factor is affecting it. I don't want to, it's my decision. Ways of saying no, a direct no. When someone asks you to do something you don't want to do, just say no. The aim is to say no without apologizing. And the other person has a problem which you don't want to take responsibility of. So you can use a direct no. Remember that you have a right and depending on how, what the context is. Say for example, a salesperson, you can just say no. You don't have to give any explanations to that or be any more elaborate. A reflecting no using the empathetic technique. So acknowledge the content of the feeling of the person and then say no. Something like, I know you want to talk to me about organizing something, a party or something, but I can't meet you over lunch today. I know you were looking forward to our walk together in the evening, but I can't come today. It is a reflecting no. A reasoned no. Give a very brief and genuine reason for why you are saying no. I can't have lunch with you today because these reports are to be given by today evening. So a brief reason combined with no. A rain check no. So this is not a definite no. But instead you are saying that you want to differ taking action right away. So it can be a yes in future. I can't have lunch with you today, but maybe I can meet with you sometime next week. This is a rain check no. It can be an enquiring no. It is again similar to rain check no, but now that is not definite, but it inquires. And says that is there any other time that you would like to go? I can't go right now. And of course, the final is the broken record no. Can I have a piece of chocolate? No. But I will brush my teeth after that. No. My dentist said my teeth are fine. No. You cannot have chocolate. Just continue with the broken record no. There are two tools that can help you with the assertive. One is a thought diary. That is in thought diary, whatever situation that you wanted to be assertive for, you write that situation. What is the worst predicted outcome? What is the best predicted outcome? What is the likely outcome? You write these thoughts as well. Go ahead. Create a behavioral experiment. Go into the situation. Practice it out and come back to your thought diary. And write what actually happened. These two very simple techniques or tools will help you over a period of time, fine tune and tweak your ways of being assertive. And ways of saying no. Thought diaries is one of the basic techniques in CBT. That is, you have whatever thought that is bothering you. You write that thought. The worst possible outcome, best possible outcome, likely outcome, and ultimately after a while when the thing has passed or you have taken action, what actually happened.