 The Abbott and Costello program starring Bud Abbott and Lou Costello brought to you by Camel, the cigarette of costlier, properly aged tobaccos. The Abbott and Costello program with the music of Carl Hoff and his orchestra, a singing star Amy Arnell, and spotlighting that chunky, chubby little cherub, who went caught putting a ladder against the roof because he heard his uncle Artie Stebbins say he was going to have one on the house, calmly said. You can dress up like Napoleon Bonaparte. Well, you see, at the Universal Studios you're going to make a picture called Napoleon and Judith Fiennes and it stands in my way. What's that? Charles Boye. Are you classing yourself with Charles Boye? What? Five times as much as? Certainly got a lot of nerve, Costello, comparing yourself with Charles Boye. Yeah. Do you realize that he won an Oscar for his performance in Gaslight? I was in that picture. Wait a minute. I saw Gaslight. I didn't see you in it. I turn on the gas. How can you compare yourself with Boye? He's got charm. I've got charm. Ah, he dresses like a fashion plate. I can dress like a fashion plate. And Boye has sex appeal. I can dress like a fashion plate. I should have quit when I was even. But Costello tells Boye he can make women swoon by just slurring his eyelids. They call him a droopy eye. It's the same thing with me. Women call you droopy eyes? No, saggy britches. Costello, this is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. The pics of Napoleon and Josephine calls for a great lover. For instance, like me. Like you? Certainly. Why, women fall all over me. Women fall all over you? All over me. The games you go out with are too old to stand up. Ah, man. Be serious. Be serious, Costello. Why, in my day, as a dramatic actor, women threw flowers at my feet. They threw jewelry at my feet. They even threw themselves at my feet. Ah, what does your feet got that you haven't got? I've got you. Will you cut that out, please? They're all of Napoleon calls for an experienced actor. Oh, that's me, Evan. When I was three years old, I used to put on plays in our garage. And I charged two pins a mission. And when the show was over, I'd give the pins back. Give the pins back? What for? So the audience wouldn't lose their rumpers on their way home. But, Costello, please, I know. I know you really didn't mean to cut. But, Costello, please, listen to me. In order to play the part of Napoleon, you have to have an education. Now, where did you get your education? At the corner of Hollywood and Vine. No, no, no, no, no, no. You can't wear anything at the corner of Hollywood and Vine. You can on a windy day. Don't take that Napoleon costume off and forget it. You don't even look like Napoleon. Oh, yes, I do have it. Look, I've got my hair all slicked down and shiny. What kind of oil is that you've got on your hair? It's a new kind of oil. I've got it out of a little tin can. There's only one thing wrong with it. What's that? I don't know what to do with all those little sardines. That's sardine oil off your hair. You have a bunch of cats following you. Oh, I don't like cats. I even know a woman who lives with cats. Who? Mrs. Cat. Oh, that's a no joke. Ah, Mr. Cat is an old man. I should have quit when I was even. No, look, I refuse to discuss this any longer, Costello. Napoleon was a romantic figure. He had a lot of women in his life. Have you ever been out with the opposite sex? No, but it wasn't my fault. It wasn't your fault? No, my mother wouldn't tell me which was the opposite sex. Can you please stop, Costello? Listen to me, please. I'm just going to see how you would play a love scene with a girl. Now, let's pretend that I'm the first girl you ever met in your life. I'm just sure a star out with a dog, don't I? Forget how I look. Just say to yourself that I'm a beautiful girl. Well, come on. I couldn't be that sort of... Boy, those Dr. Cowan sketching. All they certainly do. Just remember that old adage, beauty is only skin deep. Well, go out and skin yourself and come back in. There you go, Costello. I try to help you and you haven't got the intelligence to appreciate it. You haven't got the brain of a two-year-old child. Yeah, but look at the difference in our ages. All right, all right. But I'm going to give you one more chance. Now, I'm your girlfriend, Gladys. I'm sitting in the parlor by the fire reading a book. What are you reading? Forever Amber. What do you want with a fire? All right, please. I'm sitting there waiting for you to knock on the front door. Well, here I am, darling. Wait a minute. You didn't knock on the front door. I sneaked in the back door. I used to be a nice man. All right. Well, all right. Now you're in. Now, sit down here. Sit down here by me on the sofa. Okay. Don't sit way over there. Move closer. I'm your girlfriend, remember? Move closer. How's this? No, no, no, no, no. A little closer. Closer. Closer. Closer. Costello. How do you like that? I went right past her. I told you you didn't know how to make love to a girl, didn't I? I'll have to show you how to make love. Now, you be the girl and I'll come to call on you. What kind of a girl am I? Am I pretty? Oh, what difference does it make? I don't care if you're cross-eyed and bow-legged as long as you're the girl. Oh, you men are all alike. All right, Costello. You're a 23-year-old girl. And you're lying on the floor playing with your dogs. How do you like that? 23 years old, playing with her feet. Costello, please, I'll show you how to make love to a girl. Remember, you're the girl now, and I'm coming to call on you. Now, here I come. Don't you answer the door. I'm just showing you I'm hard to get. Put it up the first time you're done. Never mind. I'm coming in anyway. Yes, I just finished my dinner. What's finishing your dinner got to do with you being in the bathtub? I'm taking a bath and washing it. This is the same time. I give up. I'm cruel. Oh, no, Abbot, don't give up. Please give me another chance. Oh, all right. I'll get in the call on you. Now, I told you that I was going to teach you how to make love to a girl. This time, I'm going through with it. Now, come into my arms. No, Abbot. No. Costello. I won't. No. Stop pushing me. Are you here? Just be out of the window. Pickle directory. Leaf through its pages. Stop almost anywhere. And there you will find the names of doctors covered in the recent nationwide survey made by three leading independent research organizations. They covered doctors in every field of medicine and in every state of the union. Big cities, small towns, hospitals, clinics, laboratories. 113,000 doctors. The gist of their query was, what cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand most named was camels. Rich, full-flavored, cool, mild camels. The cigarette made of the superior blend of costlier tobaccos. If you are a camel smoker now, this preference won't surprise you. If you're not, try camels on your own tea zone. That's tea for taste and tea for throat. The true proving ground for a cigarette. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. And here's Carl Hoff in the Camel Orchestra with a great new arrangement. You've got me crying again. X-Factor cleansing cream and Max Factor face powder. How did you look? Like Max Factor. How did they make you look like Napoleon? Your nose is too stubby. That's easy, Ed. They taped up my nose. They taped up your nose? Yeah. How did you smell? Not bad. It's the part of Napoleon. Hello, Luc Castello speaking. Just a moment, Mr. Castello. The president of Universal wants to speak to you. I'll tell you, but this is it. Here's your party, Mr. Bloomberg. Hello, Castello. Yes, Mr. Bloomberg. Castello, you were out here this morning testing for the part of Napoleon. Yes, I was. Well, I want you to get out here to the studio right away. For the part? No, you left your hat here. I can't do that to me. The great Shakespearean actor. Why, I played Romeo and Juliet all last year at the Hippodrome Theater in New York. I had dope. The Hippodrome Theater has been closed for five years. It has? No wonder I didn't get any applause. My fans would like to see me play Napoleon. Oh, why don't you stop this, Castello? I'll prove it to you, Abbott. Let's go out and take a poll from door to door. Come on. Hey, let's stop at this house. My old girlfriend, Tessie Timfoil. She lives here. You don't look so good today. I don't feel so good. I bought eight bottles of leg makeup and I'm having a terrible time. You want seems to be the trouble? How many bottles do you have to drink before the stuff goes to your legs? I'm making a house-to-house poll. How would you like to see me on a screen as Napoleon? Oh, I think you'd be a marvelous lover, boy. Maybe I could play your leading lady, Josephine. No, I'm afraid not, Tessie. In the first place, you're too fat. And to come to think of it, you're too fat in the second place, too. Well, don't be discouraged, Castello. Hey, Mr. Castello, will you give me your autograph? I certainly will, boy. Here. Hey, ma, I win the lollipop. I told you that jerk would ride. Let's try this next door. Oh, that would be dandy. You're my favorite star, Mr. Castello. I think you're the finest actor in pictures. I think you're the funniest man on the radio. Thank you. I have an autograph picture of you that I would like to hang up in my room, but I can't. Why can't you hang it up? Well, I can't find a nail long enough to go through the padding on my cell. You see, wise guy, you realize that the only people who love you are dumbbells. Thank you, Ebbett. How do you think you can? Bastello, could I have your autograph? I just gave you my autograph a few minutes ago. I know, but you wrote it on the same page with Charles Lawton. So what? His autograph held its nose and kicked yours off the page. Get out of here! Get out! Castello, leave that kid alone. Leave him alone. Who's writing for you? Now, wait a minute. Just a minute. Now, remarks. Leave those children alone. Hey, look, Castello, here comes your old friend, Scotty Brown. Who on earth is that? Scotty. What have you got under your arm? Well, it's a book of ghost stories. And my wife just had a new baby. Well, I read my wife the ghost stories, and her teeth chatter so loud, I don't need a rattle for the baby. Well, Scotty, how would you like to see me on a screen as Napoleon? I would not be interested, Lade. I do not go to theaters anymore. Why not, Scotty? Well, I used to live 12 blocks from a theater, but now we've moved two blocks further away. Well, what's that got to do with it? Well, I don't finish dinner until five minutes to six, and now, no matter how fast I run, I can't get there before the prices change. So long, Lade. Oh, come on, Castello. Let's try another house. Pardon me, Mr. Castello. Could I have your autograph? Now, wait a minute, kid. I've given you my autograph three times. What are you doing with my autograph? Well, if I get three more of yours, I can trade it for one of Trigger's footprints. Oh, yeah? Ouch! Castello, what did you do? I just gave him one of my footprints. Oh, forget him. Come on. Oh, it's back with little beef. Never mind that. Let's try this door over here. Come on. Oh, dear man, don't tell me you're selling washing machine. Oh, pardon me. That tub is Castello. Quick, Mrs. Niles. You're liable to get a risk for indecent exposure. Indecent exposure? Yes, ma'am. You're out here embroidering daylight with your face showing. I heard that remark, Castello. What do you mean by insulting my wife that way? Of course I don't know any other way. I tell you, Ken, was Mrs. Niles just as homely today you proposed to her? Well, I don't know. She was catching for the Brooklyn Dodgers and had her mask on. String on your yo-yo! Geez, let's stop arguing. Castello came here to ask you. You'd like to see him on the screen as Napoleon. I'd rather see him with Napoleon. Napoleon is dead. You catch on fast, Ben. Fellow off that time. Oh, you're so wonderful. You filled the breeze with a heavenly perfume. Oh, no, dear. You were the one that filled the breeze with heavenly perfume. Oh, no, dear. I insist, you filled the breeze with heavenly perfume. Oh, no, dear. I insist, you filled the breeze with heavenly perfume. Run, sir. Tonight we salute the memory of a great man, a great doctor, his name, Dr. John Hunter. And he has been called the founder of modern surgery and a salute to the surgeons who followed him, who developed skills and techniques almost beyond belief. The makers of camels take a pardonable pride in the standing of this brand among the physicians and surgeons of America. In a survey of 113,000 doctors conducted by three leading independent research organizations, this query was advanced. What cigarette do you smoke, doctor? The brand most named was camels. According to a recent nationwide survey, more doctors smoke camels than any other cigarette. By popular request, Camels' lovely Amy Arnell sings. Give me a little kiss, will you? What are you gonna miss? Convise Universal Studios that you can play the part of Napoleon. Yes, I will. Ladies and gentlemen of our studio audience, I will start. He's a producer at Universal Studios. Producer of it. I'll have you know that I... Maybe you talk nice to Mel and Eddie to wreck your playfield. Charles Boyer, you know me? Costello, I could not only make a Charles Boyer out of you, but I'd have enough fat left over to make a case of life Boyer. I ran to Mrs. Niles here. She'll play your wife, Josephine. I don't have to play my wife. Why can't I have a young girl like Ingrid Bergman? Ingrid Bergman has. Yeah, but why do you let yours get so shabby? Enough of this, Costello. Let's get on with the play. Mr. Niles, will you please set the scene? Ladies and gentlemen, we present a stirring French drama entitled How Napoleon Lost the Battle of Waterloo. Or Costello Gets Caught with His France Down. Costello's sitting in the throne room, waiting for his wife Josephine to enter. Your Majesty. What's wrong with everything? Of course, as Napoleon, I want to get the bone apart. I hide my butter, Josephine, but... Oil coffers are in bad shape? Yes, listen. I'll tell you, I need money. You've given away all my jewels to Madam Dewberry. Yesterday, you gave her my diamond tiara. What do you care about your tiara? You still have your boum d'oeil? There was something to replace the tiara. It's a gift from America. It's called tobacco. And it was discovered in Chamokin, Pennsylvania. Chamokin? Chamokin, Pennsylvania? Yes, it's called Chamokin tobacco. Trouble with my subjects. I can't do a thing with my subjects. Who are you, the king? No, just a high school student. Majesty, Calli Rand has just come in. Good. I had two bucks on his nose. I mean, I mean... No, no, Costello. Look, Calli Rand isn't a horse. It's Abbott. Oh, a jackass? Yeah. Ah, Costello. Stick to the play. Your Majesty, I bring great tidings from the battlefield. Rome is about to fall. Let us drink a toast. Napoleon, you've been drinking too much lately. Drink water. Ah, ah, ah. Okay, water it is. Here's to victory. What was that? Rome just fell. Oh, we must have a grand ball to celebrate our victory. Napoleon, you must wear the new powdered wig I brought you. I refuse to wear it again. Well, it's made out of hair from your horse's tail. No wonder it keeps swatting flies and knocking my head off. Madame Josephine, I have come to fix your hair. Wait a minute. Who are you? Monsieur, I am a lady in waiting. What are we waiting for? Can't kiss your poor old fellow. Stick to your lines. I'm not trying to stick to hers. Yes, Your Majesty. You wouldn't want me if I lost my head. I don't know. There's still be enough left to have a date with. The grand has just come in. Must have been scratched in the last race. Dark sense, Costello. I bring you bad news from Russia. You must go to your troops at once. But remember, it's freezing cold in Russia. I will fix you a lunch. Would you like a nice hot dish? Yes. Yvonne, come here and kiss your poor old father. Costello, do you realize that Universal Studios is listening to this play? I refuse to direct this play any longer unless everybody takes orders from me. Okay, ma'am. You give the order. Thanks, Costello. Yvonne, come here and kiss your poor old director. Get out, get out. Oh, come on. Come on. Break this up, please. Now, let's get back to the play. Come on, Napoleon. Let us drink a toast to our coming victory in Russia. Uh-uh, Napoleon, you must drink water, remember? Oh, darn it. I'll be glad when he exile me to that island. Then I can bend my elbow. Come, Napoleon, kiss Josephine. Goodbye. We must join your troops. Goodbye, fair Josephine. Josephine, your nose is wet. You kissed your horse. I'm over here. I should have quit when I was even. Your Majesty, this is the village of Waterloo. Your troops are taking a terrible beating. Just listen. You little larger cat, I'm sick and tired of the whole thing. Very well, Wellington. Let us drink a toast to your victory. Remember, Napoleon, you can't drink liquor. But I'm not really Napoleon. I'm Luke Costello. Well, in that case, here's your water, Lou. Waterloo? No camel cigarettes in just a moment. And now tonight's salute to the men of the armed forces who won through to victory. Hail to 101, screaming eagle, airborne division, heroes of the Normandy invasion, and holders of the distinguished unit citation, for their heroic resistance to Rundsted's winter offensive at Bastogne. Since the beginning of the war, the makers of camels have sent more than 150 million free camels to our fighting men overseas. But now with demobilization and progress, free camels are sent to servicemen's hospitals instead. This week, the camels go to Veterans Hospital Bedford, Massachusetts, U.S. Armymore General Hospital, Swannanoa, North Carolina, U.S. Naval Hospital Farragut, Idaho, U.S. Marine Hospital Cleveland, Ohio, and Veterans Hospital Amarillo, Texas, in your honor, men of the screaming eagle division. United States twice a week, are rebroadcast to practically every area in the world where our men are stationed, and to our good neighbors in Central and South America. And I'll hear a button, Lou, with the final word. Well, Napoleon? What have you got to say? Here I am, the great Napoleon, exiled to the island of Elba. All my friends have deserted me. Here I am, all alone. Nobody loves me. I love you. Who was that? Look up here in this tree. Oh, an old monkey. Yes. Come here, Costello. What do you want? Come here and kiss your poor old father. Good night, folks. An Aberdeen Costello show brought to you by Camel Cigarette. And remember, try camels in your tea zone. See if they don't suit your taste, your throat, to a tea. C-A-M-E-L. Choice tobacco, crimped cut to burn cool, and especially treated for the removal of tongue bite. Those three things made Prince Albert the national joy smoke. And more pipes than any other tobacco on earth. Try P-A today. Saturday night, be sure to listen to Prince Albert's Grand Ole Opry. You'll hear Red Foley, Grand Ole Opry's sensational new singer. He's got a voice that's romantic as moonlight on the mountains, warm as southern hospitality. Remember Grand Ole Opry, Saturday night on NBC, with the Duke of Paducah, Mini Pearl, and Red Foley. Be sure to listen at this very same time next week for another Aberdeen Costello show for Camel Cigarettes. Saturday night is all star night on NBC. Stay around now for Rudy Valio for most of these stations. This is Kent Niles in Hollywood, wishing you all a pleasant good night for Camel. It's been being sued the last 4 o'clock.