 My name is Brian v. Barry. I'm a Denver police officer and I'm in my 36th year of community service My PTSD journey started when I was 14 years old. My brother was murdered at the age of 17 I joined the military in the US Army and then was assigned to my regular duty station at Schofield Barracks, Hawaii There at the age of 19, I handled my first homicide suicide Upon getting released from the military, I went ahead and applied for the Denver Police Department and was accepted I started out And I was very happy. I Always like to joke around And I was good with my wife and my kids During my career I've been involved in one shooting Where a man's life was taken I also have handled numerous homicide scenes Suicides aggravated assaults Sexual assaults domestic violence cases just a myriad of calls seeing people at the worst There's time went on in the service The days became darker. I became Introverted to where I would isolate myself from my family and my friends The calls I never used to talk about anymore The situations I never talked about anymore. I Would go to work with only the meaning of surviving 1999 I had a serious accident in which I injured my back and Thus started a journey for opioids Getting hooked on them. I Wasn't taking them for pain anymore. I was taking them to put out the fires When they started coming through your mind After several years of this behavior My wife had threatened to leave me unless I get some help So in September of 2017 I sought out my own private practice therapist It was after the first session that I was diagnosed with acute PTSD as hard as it was Going through this program Things started to look up And I thought I was doing a lot better Then in July of 2018 my brother-in-law who was also a Denver police officer of 28 years Decided to take his own life After I read the text that he had sent my wife Saying that he was going to kill himself I raced over to his house They missed him by about three to four minutes. He had already killed himself Then upon finding him Things were set in motion In my mind that I could not get back Racing thoughts Suicidal ideations Started to become isolated again Went into a series of panic attacks A few days after the funeral I ran across an accident to where I could not get an older gentleman out of a vehicle He was slapping on the windows and the the airbags had blown and the dust was all over And I couldn't get the car door open because of the impact. I finally got the door open and the police and fire responded I gave him my statement I got in my car and I drove About a block away Pulled over and started crying. I called my wife and told her what had just happened She said things would be okay That I just needed to calm down and take a few deep breaths and that everything would be all right When I got up for the phone with her I Started having suicidal ideations And thinking that that was the way out Because I wouldn't have These troubles anymore So I thought I could do one or two things I could kill myself Or I could go to the liquor store and after talking to my wife and listening to her I chose to go to the liquor store and went home and self-medicated And every time that I would have these thoughts or I would go to a dark place I would drink And I would drink to forget Shortly after that I went into a panic attack That lasted approximately five days with no sleep and I was at work and a sergeant who was a very good friend of mine came up and Asked me if I was okay, and I told him oh sure. I'm fine He said you sure don't look it. You sure don't act it Said nothing to worry about you said okay He left the area he came back to my post Approximately a half an hour later said are you sure you're okay And I said I'm totally fine That there was nothing wrong He then told me to take the rest of the day off after I finished my assignment Which I did Because I was having so many thoughts racing through my head So many voices talking to me That on the drive home I pulled over on the side of the highway and I again Thought about taking my own life. I got up to courage To start the car and drive home So at that point in time I I made the decision to drive down to my doctor's office My family physician got in to be seen and Because I had five days of no sleep and being in total panic and having night sweats and night terrors That she looked at me and she said I cannot let you leave the office. I Knew that something was about to occur That I was afraid of and I was afraid of how the department And how my family would look at me what I mean by that I was put in on a 72-hour mental health hold And M1 as well know it Before I was transported my wife called the department With a menace the chief had called back Asked if there was anything that they could do To help in this circumstance. I slept for a day and a half Was diagnosed again with acute PTSD By the psychiatrists in the hospital They took five weeks off of work and I also had to attend two weeks of classes On how to deal with PTSD how to deal with stress. I had thought That there would be repercussions That I would have been seen unfit for duty That I would be highly doubted to perform in any situation Or my abilities as a police officer. I found it much different. I was welcomed with open arms With amazing support Then if I needed anything anything at all My fellow co-workers and the administration from the chief's on down were behind me a hundred percent with the administration support and The support from my therapist and my family I Continued to go on a path of better well-being. I was advised of a PTSD retreat that was being put together Done with the blessing of the department And it was the best thing that ever happened to me it saved my life Because it showed me That with all the things that have happened in my life Since I was a kid all the way up to today There is nothing that can't be overcome That you can still find joy Happiness That you can go out and do your job And at the end of the day Go home with your head up high and learn that you can talk to your family that you can talk to your friends Doesn't have to be a therapist this time has gone on I've been doing better and better and Using my skills to cope with this PTSD. You have to live with it There's no way of getting rid of it But you can manage it first step is asking for help. You know what the warning signs are You experience him every day and now you treat your family how your family responds to you There's nothing to be afraid of I'm living proof. I'm still here. I'm still in uniform I still go to work every day and I do my job and yes, I still get ongoing treatment and I go to a myriad of Support I choose to go to badge to badge Red, white and blue crew meetings. I also see my therapist on a regular weekly basis It's a much lighter feeling When you get that help it's almost like being pulled out of the grave There's nothing to be ashamed of every first responder Deals with these type of tragedies each and every day And without getting any help You sink further into the abyss put it out there tanny buddy Your peer support people Whether you find it in your own therapy Whether you find it in dr. Nicoletti's office or the person that's sitting next to you The person that you work for All you have to do is ask whatever type of problems that you're dealing with Whether it be in your personal life Personal tragedies Or whether it be in your professional life There is help out there There are things that can make you feel better. It can make you get through this Just ask for help