 J-E-F-L-O! The general program starring Jack Benny with Don Bessler and his orchestra, and the orchestra happens to program with it's fun to be fooled from life begins at 8.40. And now we bring you the only rival of Popeye the Sailor, Jack Benny. Hello everybody, this is Jack Benny with a good flappy show full of peps. So we're all on our heels where to go. Hey Jack, what's the matter with you tonight? You look all worn out. What do you mean Don? You look tired, your eyes are baggy. All right, I'll have them pressed in the morning. You see Don? I've been rehearsing day and night for the past two weeks with a show called Bring On The Girls and we open in Washington tomorrow. Oh, you're going with the show, eh? Yeah, the drama finally got me. Well, but tell me Jack, do you have a big part? Don't be silly, I'm playing the most important part of the show. Oh, then you're the leading man. No, no, not exactly, but in the first act, there's a scene where I open the door for the leading man to make his entrance. You see? Well, that's not... It's not, eh? If I'm not careful... He doesn't get in. Where's your show? Well, I certainly, certainly, of course. And say, what about that picture of yours that opens next week? Transatlantic Marigorof. Well, what about it? Well, do you open doors in the picture too? No, no, I really have the star apart from that. You see, it's a mystery. Don, you see, right at the very opening of the picture, I'm found dead in the staterooms, eh? Well, what makes that part so important? Well, I'm the fella they talk about for the rest of the picture. Well, I'm surely going over and see it next week, Jack. Get in early, Don, you know I die in the first scene. Oh, Jack, oh, Don. A nice entrance, Mary, yawning. What makes you so tired? I don't know, I slept all afternoon and I'm just all in. Well, how'd you get tired sleeping all day? I dreamt I was a six-day bicycle rider, and six days on a bicycle is too much, believe me. Mary, look at me. Why don't you dream you're a turtle and take it easy? I did, and the rabbit cased me all over town. Hello, everybody. Good morning, folks. Good morning. Oh, you too? Gee, Parker, what makes you so tired? Hey, Mary, that's my line. Wait a minute. Well, who wouldn't be tired? Say, you know what I just saw? What? I just saw a horse pull a wagon up a steep hill. Well, why should that make you tired? Well, you tried pulling a wagon up a steep hill. Wait a minute. Why, did you pull a wagon or did the horse do it? What's the difference as long as you're both healthy? Yeah. Say, look, there's Don Vester over there. Say, Don, how is it you're not all in? Well, I stay up night and take care of myself. Oh. You're different, I see. Don, you better get some sleep tonight and stop impersonating George Arliss, you know? Come on, everybody. Get on your toes. Let's get this program started. Mary, have you any jokes for tonight? No, Jack, but I wrote a poem all about fall. Mary, will you stop with those silly poems already? But, Jack, I haven't written one since Labor Day. Oh, Labor Day. All right, listen. Go ahead. Go ahead. Read your poem. Uh, the title is, uh, Fall is Here. Fall is Here. Go ahead. Uh, fall is here. Oh, fall is here. Trees are bare most everywhere. But fall is here, oh boy. Daylight's breaking time has ended. And it's dark at five o'clock. Acorns falling from the elm tree. Overcoats come out of hawk. Hey, that gives me a thought, Mary. Go ahead. Leaves are rooty in the valley. Dizzy deans have gone to root. Birds are flying to the Southland for a drink of orange juice. Orange juice, that rhyme. Fall is here. Oh, fall is here. Then comes winter and the spring. Then comes June, Jaloll, and August. Then the fall. June, Jaloll, and August. Go ahead. Yes. That couldn't be July, could it? Yes. Produce of flavor, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, lemon, orange, and lime. Then you know the fall is here and with us all the time. Mary. Mary, did you really write that poem? No, I stole it from Henry W. Longdellow. Played on June, Jaloll, and August. What kind of poem is that? Rock and Roll. Rock and Roll from the most in-picture transatlantic merry-go-round played by Don Bester and the Boy. And out tonight, folks, we are continuing our policy of giving you a guest star on each program. Last week, we gave you those priceless entertainers, the three chicken sisters. What do you mean priceless, Jack? I don't want them again at any price. But this program did them no harm as they were immediately engaged at the Waldorf-Biltmore for the Floor Show, where they are doing a number with tail and mop and cleaning out. And now, I put that in myself, I guess, and now tonight, folks, after a fifth fight with hundreds of other programs, we have secured to you a great violin virtuoso who comes direct from Boston via Lynn. Get it? Via Lynn. Lynn is near Boston, see? Get that joke, Mary? Who wants it? Oh, all right. I now take great pleasure in introducing to you that marvel of a violin, the great senior Fett. Say something, Mr. Fett. I am glad for it to be here tonight because it's the landing outside. And we're glad to have you with us. Now tell me, Mr. Fett, what is your first name? Oh, just call me hi. Call you what? Hi. Oh, hi, Fett. I see. I thought that name sounded familiar. Are there any other musicians in your family? Oh, yes. I have a little brother who plays very good fiddle, too. Is that so? What's his name? Low. Oh, low-fets and high-fets, I think. Where are you boys from? Fiddle Delphia. Well, no wonder. Comes natural, huh? Say, that's a pretty good violin you've got there. Is that a Stradivarius? No. She is Robocchia. Oh, I think. Five dollars down here? And a dollar a week, yes. Well, Fett, see? How about giving it a little tune? Ah, pleasure. Starts off well. Well, you're a little tired, too. Say, I know that you play with only four fingers, Mr. Fett. Don't you use your thumb? My thumb is sore from hitch-hiking. I see. I can readily believe that you were making a concert tour. Yes. Did you make this trip alone? No, with a tin cup. You're a bum. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Who call this artist a bum? Who call this bum an artist? Mary. Now, tell me, Mr. Fett, were you always a violin player? No, I started with the cello. Well, that's about the same as the violin, isn't it? Yes. I'd played the cello for five years, and that gave me the texmic cue for the violin. I see. And you owe it all to cello, huh? Yes. And hundreds of other artists have said the same thing about cello with its new, fresh, rich fruit flavor. Wilson, he said cello, not jello. Oh, pardon me, Jack. I'm a little overanked. What does he want? Don't worry about Wilson, you see, if it wasn't for him, you and I wouldn't be here tonight. I see. Go ahead, Mr. Fett, play something else. What would you like after all I'm here to please you? Well, do you know, let's see, do you know Chopin, St. Louis Mama? I am an artist, not a stool-pigeon. Well, play anything at all. I don't care, let's see. Now, are you familiar with Mendelssohn's wedding march? Am I? Four times. Oh, I see. Oh, I see. That was my line, oh, I see. You have the next one, that's it. It's all right, Mr. Fett, you know. But, Mr. Benny, I forgot to tell you, I am also a trick-violinist. What, trick-violinist? What are you to say so? Sure, here's a list of my tricks. I have them all written out. I see. You do all these tricks in the order in which they're written? Yes, sir. Let me see, a number one. All right. His first trick, ladies and gentlemen, we've been playing a violin and musical saw at the same time. That ought to be good, a violin and a saw. All right, go ahead, Fett, see. Now, he saved a saw that we can use in the grocery store. Now, his next trick, ladies and gentlemen, we'll be playing a violin and saxophone simultaneously and writing home for money at the same time. Ready? Go. He's still writing home for money. And now, Mr. Fett, Mr. Fett, I'd like to suggest a trick. Do you mind? No, the ball. I'd like to hear you play the violin, cornet, juice harp, and bass drum while marching out of the studio in perfect rhythm. Is that clear? Okay. All right, have you got all your instruments? Yes, sir. All right, go. Fight right out of the studio, Fett. By Mary, Mary, quick, slam the door. And now, Frank Parker. Frank Parker, our weekly guest star, will sing One Night of Love. Do you want any tricks, Jack? No, Frank, put down that saw. You'll cut yourself. Parker, got more applause than I did. That was Frank Parker singing One Night of Love from the motion picture of the same name. And now, ladies and gentlemen, owing to a very good business, very good business last week, the J. Benny Grocery Store will continue for another week with a fresh supply of new groceries, new customers, but the same age. Wilson, tell the folks what happens next while I bring in the sack of potatoes. The place is Old New Hampshire. The time is 7 a.m. The proprietor is just arriving and finds Mary his chief clerk getting ready for the day's work. Good morning, Mary. Good morning, Fire Benny. What are you marking on those signs? Well, I'm making up a special sale on soap today, free for quarter. How much were they before? Five cents a case. Well, you've certainly got a head on you. So has a glass of beer. That's damn adjourn good. Ah, good morning, Mrs. Borsmeyer. I see you're here bright and early. Why shouldn't I be? I bought some eggs here last week and my son left home. Now, why, uh, why didn't you bring the eggs back? Not until my husband leaves too. What does it matter with those eggs? The yolks for old. Old yolks? Well, don't forget this is a radio program. Is there, uh, didn't think that was going to go that good. Is there anything else, uh, you, anything else you wanted today? Yes. I'll take this piece of French pastry. That's my hat. Put it down. I guess the cherries fooled you. Is there something else you'd like? No, that'll be all. Thank you. Good morning, Jay. Morning, Zeb. Well, Zeb Parker, how'll be ya? I'd be all right. How'll be you be? Fine couple of hittin'. Rubes. Fine couple of rubes. I don't have to repeat it. What, uh, what can I do for you, Zeb? Well, I want some pumpernickel. Pumpernickel, eh? Well, we're all out of pumps. Well, then give me the nickel. I want a telephone. Oh, pumping me for a nickel, eh? Zeb, they tell me you've been down to the city. Been a-cuttin' up, eh? Yes, sir. I saw a burlicue show the other night. You did? A burlicue show, huh? Yeah. How was it? Yippee! Oh, that good, eh? Well, Zeb, I see you got your basket with ya. Whatcha gonna be today? Well, give me some strong horseradish. We're gonna have a wild time tonight. Here ya, Zeb. Don't know what's gonna become of you. First thing you know, you'll be using pepper on your vitals. Well, you only live once, you know. Anything else you want, Zeb? Let me see. My wife is washing today, and she wants me to get some soap. Here ya are, how about some starch? What? Starch, starch. I don't get that. Starch, what's in your shirt? My brother, he borrowed it yesterday. Get outta here, get outta here. Goodbye, Jay. Goodbye, Brother Crawford. What would you like today? I wanna buy a duck. That's on another program. That's gonna be some caviar. Gee, we have no caviar. Why don't you make it yourself, you dope? How do you make it? A pound of barley and some stove poly. All right. Anything else? Let me see. I want something, but I forget what it is. It starts with Q. Cucumbers? That's this. Here ya are. Wait a minute, there are warps on those cucumbers. Oh, that's all right. They're not contagious. Hey, how you doing, Mrs. Schmout? How were those dog biscuits sold you last week? They gave me indigestion. Good thing you didn't give it to the dog. Hey, here comes Zeke Bester. Hello, Zeke. Hello, Jay. Listen closely, folks. It's Don Bester doing a rubigan. How you feeling, Zeke? I'm Zeke and tired. Is he wasting his time? I'll bet Chick Sales is worried. Well, Zeke, how's crop? I made it to 7-Eleven last night. That's crap. Oh, well. There's money in crops. Who's that, Mary? Oh, hi-fats. Well, well, well. What are you doing here? I am making another concert tour. Mary, throw my herring. Thank you. Mary, here comes Mrs. Van Twitter. You better wait on her. How'd you do? Hello, Coach. What do you want? I want a dozen tomatos. We have no tomatos, but we have some lovely potatoes. How about some bananas? Never mind. I'll have a pound of nice, fresh peas. Yes, ma'am. Will you take them with you? No. Just roll them over to 315 Park Avenue. Roll them over, Mary. Roll over yourself, Dad. Yeah. What do you want to say? Is it about Ben? That's good. Well, well, well. They're Squire Pasquale. I want to get some spaghetti. Yes, sir. How much spaghetti do you want? No, I think about two miles. Two miles of spaghetti? Yes. How much is it going to cost? Well, it's 15 cents for the first quarter of a mile, 5 cents for each additional quarter. Anything else? Well, let me see. Oh, yes. I want some opera coach. Opera coach? You'll have to go to a tailor. No, no, opera coach. Disappointed peaches. Wait a minute. You mean... You mean apricots. That's what I told you, opera coach. You don't speak a good English, eh, boss? Hey, who now speaks English? Sure I speak. What else do you want to? I want some a chocolate eclipse. Chocolate eclipse? You mean a chocolate eclair? Like a wife. All right. What else do you want to? You got some Italian roses? Italian roses, a shoe or a Mary push-up, and some garlic. Some a joke, eh, boss? Coming right off. A shoe, sir. Want to take them along? No, send them to my house. All right, Mr. Fasquale, what's your foster name? Angelo. Angelo? Angelo's the new extra richer flavor taste that's twice as good as ever before. Play, Don. What's the matter with you? I thought of the music there. Oh, sorry. That was Don Bestman, the author playing ten yards to go. Now, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce to you Mr. Curtis Mitchell, editor of Radio Starz Magazine, who has a few words to say. Mr. Mitchell. Ladies and gentlemen, I am here tonight on behalf of the readers of Radio Starz Magazine to thank Jack Benny for a decision he made two years ago. At that time, if you remember, although comedy was comparatively new to the air, many of the stage's funny men had already been lured to the microphone. Jack Benny in those days was reluctant to go on the air. If he failed to please, he said to lose much of that prestige he had built for himself by years of pain-staking performances before visible audiences. It was one of those perplexing crossroads to which many of us come. Jack Benny took the one marked radio, and that is the decision for which I want to thank him tonight. Once each month, Radio Starz Magazine is privileged to call public attention to outstanding radio programs and performers. We do it by means of a medal called the Radio Starz Award for Distinguished Service. This medal has never before been awarded to a comedian, but the listeners of America who are the readers of my magazine and in the last analysis, my bosses, have directed that this month we draw attention to the finest show of its thought on the air. So, to you, Mr. Benny, and to your able fellow fund-makers, Mary Livingston, Frank Parker, Don Bester and Don Wilson, and Harry Kahn, your writer, we say thanks, and we present you now with Radio Starz Magazine's award for Distinguished Service to Radio. Good luck and good fun always. I want to tell you how much we all appreciate this honor, Mr. Mitchell, and I want to thank you personally on behalf of Mary Livingston, Frank Parker, Don Bester, Don Wilson, and Harry W. Kahn, my author, who have lent their splendid cooperation to all our programs. Thank you again, Mr. Mitchell. A while ago, I told you about Jello's new extra-rich flavor. Now I'm going to tell you how to prove that finer flavor, prove it three different ways. First, open a package of Jello and... Well, this finishes our second program for Jello, and we'll be with you again next Sunday night. Yeah, you better give me that medal. You know how you lose everything. Oh, there goes the medal. jello well it finishes our second program for jello and we'll be with you again next sunday night yeah you better give me that medal you know how you lose everything oh there goes the medal come on Mary let's go I'll buy you soda I'm sorry Jack I've got a date with whom good night folks good night this is the national broadcasting company wjz new york