 Section 22, Volume 1 of the Book of a Thousand Nights and a Night, translated by Richard Burton. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org, recording by Calm Dragon. The Book of a Thousand Nights and a Night, Section 22, The Barber's Tale of Himself. I was living in Baghdad during the times of Al-Mustin Sir Bala, son of Al-Mustazi Bala, then the caliph, a prince who loved the poor and needy, and accompanied with the learned and pious. One day it happened to him that he was wroth with ten persons, highwaymen who robbed on the caliph's highway, and he ordered the prefect of Baghdad to bring them into the presence on the anniversary of the great festival. So the prefect saled out and, making them as prisoners, embarked with them on a boat. I caught sight of them as they were embarking and said to myself, these are surely assembled for a marriage feast. Me thinks they are spending their day in the boat eating and drinking, and none shall be companion of their cups but I myself. So I rose, oh, fairly assembled, and, of the excess of my courtesy and the gravity of my misunderstanding, I embarked with them and entered into conversation with them. They rode across to the opposite bank, where they landed, and there came upon the watch and the guardians of the peace with chains, which they put round the robbers' necks. They chained me among the rest of them, and, oh, people, it is not a proof of my courtesy and spareness of speech that I held my peace and did not please to speak. Then they took us away in Bilbo's and next morning carried us all before Al-Mustan Sir Bala, commander of the faithful, who bade smite the necks of the ten robbers. So the sorter came forward after they were seated on the leather of blood, then drawing his blade, struck off one head after another until he had smitten the neck of the tenth, and I alone remained. The caliph looked at me and asked the headsman, saying, What ails thee that thou hast struck off only nine heads? And he answered, Allah forbid that I should be head only nine, when thou bidest me be head ten. Quote the caliph. He seems thou hast smitten the necks of only nine, and this man before thee is the tenth. By thy beneficeness replied the headsman, I have beheaded ten. Count them, cried the caliph, and when as they counted heads low there were ten. The caliph looked at me and said, What made thee keep silence at a time like this, and how cameest thou to company with these men of blood? Tell me the cause of all this. For I'll bet thou art a very old man, assuredly thy wits are weak. Now when I heard these words from the caliph, I sprang to my feet and replied, No, O Prince of the faithful, that I am the silent shake, and am thus called to distinguish me from my six brothers. I am a man of immense learning whilst, as for the gravity of my understanding, the wildness of my wits, and the spareness of my speech, there is no end of them, and my calling is that of a barber. I went out early on yesterday morning, and saw these men making for a skiff, and, fancying they were bound for a marriage feast, I joined them and mixed with them. After a while, up came the watch and the guardians of the peace, who put chains around their necks and round mine with the rest. But, in the excess of my courtesy, I held my peace and speck not a word, nor was this other but generosity on my part. They brought us into thy presence, and thou gaveest in order to smite the necks of the ten. Yet did I not make myself known to thee, and remained silent before the sorter? Purely of my great generosity and courtesy, which led me to share with them in their death. But all my life long have I dealt thus nobly with mankind, and they requite me the foulest and evilest requital. When the Caliph heard my words, and knew that I was a man of exceeding generosity, and of very few words, when in which is no forwardness, as this youth who would have it, whom I rescued from mortal risk, and who hath so scurvally repaid me. He laughed with excessive laughter till he fell upon his back. Then said he to me, O silent man, do thy six brothers favor thee in wisdom and knowledge, and spareness of speech? I replied, never were they like me. Thou puttest reproach upon me, O commander of the faithful, and it becomes thee not to even my brothers with me. For, of the abundance of their speech, and their deficiency of courtesy and gravity, each one of them hath gotten some maim or other. One is monocular, another pals eat, a third stone blind, a fourth cropped of ears and nose, and a fifth shorn of both lips, while the sixth is a hunchback and a cripple, and conceive not, O commander of the faithful, that I am a prodigal of speech, but I must preforce explain to thee that I am a man of greater worth, and fewer words than any of them. From each one of my brothers hangs a tale of how he came by his bodily defect, and these I will relate to thee. So the caliph gave ear to the barber's tale of his first brother. Then know, O commander of the faithful, that my first brother Alabak book, the Prattler, is a hunchback who took to tailoring and Baghdad, and he used to sew in a shop hired from a man of much wealth, who dwelt over the shop, and there was also a flour mill in the basement. One day, as my brother, the hunchback, was sitting in his shop at tailoring, he chanced to raise his head and saw a lady like the rising full moon at a balconyed window of his landlord's house, engaged in looking out at the passer's buy. When my brother beheld her, his heart was taken with love of her, and he passed his whole day gazing at her and neglected his tailoring till even tide. Next morning he opened his shop and sat him down to sew, but as often as he stitched a stitch, he looked to the window and saw her as before, and his passion and infatuation for her increased. On the third day, as he was sitting in his usual place gazing on her, she caught sight of him and, perceiving that he had been captivated with love of her, laughed in his face, and he smiled back at her. Then she disappeared and presently sent her slave girl to him with a bundle containing a piece of red-coward silk. The hen maiden accosted him and said, My Lady Salometh to thee, and desireth thee of thy skill and good will, to fashion for her a shift of this piece and to sew it handsomely with thy best sewing. He replied, harkening and obedience, and shaped for her a chemise and finished sewing it the same day. When the morning morrowed, the girl came back and said to him, My Lady Salometh to thee, and asks how that has passed yesterday night, for she hath not tasted sleep by reason of her heart being taken up with thee. Then she laid before him a piece of yellow satin and said, My Lady Biddeth thee, cut her two pair of petticoat trousers out of this piece and sew them this very day. Harkening and obedience, replied he, Greet her for me with many greetings and say to her, Thy slave is obedient to thine order, so command him as thou wilt. Then he applied himself to cutting out and worked hard at sewing the trousers, and after an hour the lady appeared at the lattice and saluted him by signs, now casting down her eyes, then smiling in his face, and he began to assure himself that he would soon make a conquest. She did not let him stir till he had finished the two pair of trousers, when she withdrew and sent the handmaiden to whom he delivered them, and she took them and went her ways. Then it was night he threw himself on his carpet bed and lay tossing about from side to side till morning, when he rose and sat down in his place. Presently the damsel came to him and said, My master, calleth for thee. Hearing these words he feared with exceeding fear, but the slave girl, seeing his affright, said to him, No evil is meant to thee, not but good awaiteth thee. My lady would have thee make acquaintance with my lord, so my brother the tailor, rejoicing with great joy, went with her, and when he came into the presence of his landlord, the lady's husband, he kissed the ground before him, and the master of the house returned his greeting and gave him a great piece of linen saying, Shape me shirts out of this stuff and sew them well, and my brother answered, To hear is to obey. Thereupon he fell at work at once, snipping, shaping, and sewing till he had finished twenty shirts by suppertime, without stopping to taste food. The house master asked him, How much the wage for this? and he answered, Twenty dirhams. So the gentleman cried to the slave girl, Bring me twenty dirhams, and my brother specked not a word, but the lady signed. Take nothing from him, whereupon my brother said, By Allah I will take not from thy hand, and he carried off his tailor's gear, and returned to his shop, although he was destitute even to a red scent. Then he applied himself to do their work, eating in his zeal and diligence, but a bit of bread and drinking only a little water for three days. At the end of this time came the handmaid who said to him, What hast thou done? Quotee, they are finished, and carried the shirts to the lady's husbands, who would have paid him for his hire, but he said, I will take nothing for the fear of her, and returning to his shop, past the night without sleep because of his hunger. Now the dame had informed her husband how the case stood, my brother knowing not of this, and the two had agreed to make him tailor for nothing. The better to mock and laugh at him. Next morning he went to his shop, and, as he sat there, the handmaid came to him and said, Speak with my master, so he accompanied her to the husband who said to him, I wish thee to cut out for me five long-sleeved robes, so he cut them out and took the stuff and went away. Then he sewed them and carried them to the gentleman who praised his sewing and offered him a purse of silver. He put out his hand to take it, but the lady signed to him from behind her husband not to do so, and he replied, Oh my lord, there is no hurry. We have time enough for this. Then he went forth from the house, meaner and meeker than a donkey, for verily five things were gathered together in him. Love, beggary, hunger, nakedness, and hard labor. Nevertheless, he hardened himself with the hope of gaining the ladies' favors. When he had made an end of all their jobs, they played him another trick and married him to their slave girl. But on the night when he thought to go into her, they said to him, Lie this night in the mill, and tomorrow all will go well. My brother concluded that there was some good cause for this, and knighted alone in the mill. Now the husband had set on the miller to make the tailor turn the mill. So when night was half spent, the man came into him and began to say, This boulevards hath become useless and standeth still, instead of going round. He will not turn the mill this night, and yet we have great store of corn to be ground. However, I'll yoke him, pre-force, and make him finish grinding it before morning. As the folk are impatient for their flour, so he filled the hoppers with grain, and, going up to my brother with a rope in his hand, tied it round his neck and said to him, Gee up, round with the mill thou, O bull, wouldst do nothing but grub and stale and dung? Then he took a whip and laid it on the shoulders and calves of my brother, who began to howl and bellow, but none came to help him, and he was forced to grind the wheat till hard upon dawn. When the housemaster came in, my brother still tethered to the yoke, and the man flogging him went away. At daybreak, the miller returned home and left him still yoked and half-dead, and soon after came the slave-curl who unbound him, and said to him, I and my lady are right sorry for what hath happened, and we have borne thy grief with thee. But he had no tongue wherewith to answer her from excess of beating and mill-turning. Then he retired to his lodging, and behold, the clerk who had drawn up the marriage he'd caped to him and saluted him, saying, Allah give thee long life, may thy espousal be blessed. This face telleth of pleasant doings and dalliance and kissing and clipping from dusk to dawn. Allah grant the liar no peace. Or thou thousandfold cuckold, my brother replied. By Allah I did nothing but turn the mill in the place of the bull all night till morning. Tell me thy tale, quoth he, and my brother recounted what had befallen him, and he said, Thy star agrees not with her star, but in thou wilt I can alter the contract for thee, abiding. Were lest another cheat be not in store for thee? And my brother answered him, see if thou have not another contrivance. Then the clerk left him, and he sat in his shop, looking for someone to bring him a job whereby he might earn his day's bread. Presently the handmaid came to him and said, Speak with my lady. Be gone, O my good girl, replied he. There shall be no more dealings with me and thy lady. The handmaid returned to her mistress and told her what my brother had said, and presently she put her head out of the window, weeping and saying, Why, O my beloved, are there to be no more dealings, twixt me and thee? But he made her no answer. Then she wept and conjured him, swearing that all which had befallen him in the mill was not sanctioned by her and that she was innocent of the whole matter. When he looked upon her beauty and loveliness and heard the sweetness of her speech, the sorrow which had possessed him passed from his heart. He accepted her excuse, and he rejoiced in her sight. So he saluted her and talked with her and sat tailoring a while, after which the handmaid came to him and said, My mistress greeted thee and informed thee that her husband purposed to lie abroad this night in the house of some intimate friends of his. So, when he is gone, do thou come to us and spend the night with my lady and delight most joy and still in the morning? Now her husband had asked her, How shall we manage to turn him away from thee? And she answered, Leave me to play him another trick and make him a laughing stock for all the town. But my brother knew not of the malice of women. As soon as it was dusk, the slave girl came to him and carried him to the house, and when the lady saw him, she said to him, By Allah, O my Lord, I have been longing exceedingly for thee. By Allah, cried he, Kiss me quick before thou give me ought else. Hardly had he spoken when the lady's husband came in from the next room and seized him, saying, By Allah, I will not let thee go till I deliver thee to the chief of the town watch. My brother humbled himself to him, but he would not listen to him and carried him before the prefect who gave him a hundred lashes with a whip. And mounting him on a camel, he ran around the city whilst the guards proclaimed aloud, This is his reward who violate the harems of honorable men. Moreover, he fell off the camel and broke his leg, and so became lame. Then the prefect banished him from the city, and he went forth, unknowing whether he should wind. But I heard of him, and fearing for him, went out after him and brought him back secretly to the city The caliph laughed at my story, and said, Thou hast done well, O submit, O silent man, O spare of speech. And he bade me to take a prison and go away. But I said, I will accept not of thee, except I tell thee what befell all my other brothers, and do not think me a man of many words. So the caliph gave ear to the barber's tale of his second brother. No, O commander of the faithful, that my second brother's name is the Hadar, that is the babbler, and he was paralytic. Now it happened to him one day, as he was going about his business, that an old woman accosted him and said, Stop a little, my good man, that I may tell thee of somewhat which, if it be to thy liking. Thou shalt do for me, and I will pray Allah to give thee good of it. My brother stopped, and she went on. I will put thee in the way of a certain thing, each, on what thy talk quoth he and she. What sayeth thou to handsome quarters, and a fair garden with flowering waters, flowers blooming and fruit growing, and old wine going, and a pretty young face whose owner thou mayest embraced from dark till dawn? If thou do what so I bid thee, thou shalt see something greatly to thy advantage. And is all this in the world? asked my brother, and she answered, Yes, and it shall be thine, so thou be reasonable, and leave idle curiosity and many words, and do my bidding. I will indeed, O my lady said he. How is it thou hast preferred me in this manner before all men? And what is it that so much pleaseth thee in me? Quoth she, do I not bid thee be spare of speech? Hold thy peace and follow me. Know that the young lady to whom I shall carry thee, loveth to have her own way and hate it being thwarted and all who gain say. So, if thou humor her, thou shalt come to thy desire of her. And my brother said, I will not cross her in anything. Then she went on, and my brother followed her, and hungering after what she described to him till they entered a fine large house, handsome and choicelessly furnished, full of eunuchs and servants and showing signs of prosperity from top to bottom. And she was carrying him to the upper story when the people of the house said to him, What dost thou here? But the old woman answered them, hold your peace and trouble him not. He is a workman, and we have occasion for him. Then she brought him into a fine great pavilion with a garden in its midst. Never I saw a fairer and made him sit upon a handsome couch. He had not sat long before he heard a loud noise and in came a troop of slave girls surrounding a lady, like the moon on the night of its fullest. When he saw her, he rose up and made an obeisance to her whereupon she welcomed him and bade him be seated. So he sat down and she said to him, Allah advance thee to honor. Is all well with thee? Oh my lady he answered, all with me is right well. Then she bade bring in food and they sat before her delicate vians. So she sat down to eat, making a show of affection to my brother and justing with him. Though all the while she could not refrain from laughing, but as often as he looked at her she signed towards her handmaidens as though she were laughing at them. My brother, the ass, understood in nothing, but in the excess of his ridiculous passion he fancied that the lady was in love with him and that she would soon grant him his desire. When they had done eating on the wine and there came in ten maidens like moons with loots ready strung in their hands and fell to singing with full voices sweet and sad whereupon delight got hold upon him and he took the cup from the lady's hands and drank it standing. Then she drank a cup of wine and my brother still standing said to her health and bow to her. She handed him another cup and he drank it off when she slapped him hard on his neck. Upon this my brother would have gone out of the house in anger, but the old woman followed him and winked to him to return. So he came back and the lady bade him sit and he sat down without a word. Then she slapped him on the nape of his neck and the second slapping did not suffice her. She must needs make all her handmaidens also slap and cuff him while he kept saying to the old woman I never saw hot nicer than this. She on her side ceased not exclaiming enough enough I conjure thee, oh my mistress but the woman slapped him till he well nice swooned away. Presently my brother rose and went out to obey a call of nature but the old woman overtook him and said be patient a little and thou shalt win to thy wish. How much longer have I to wait my brother replied this slapping hath made me feel faint. As soon as she is warm with wine answered she said I desire. So he returned to his place and sat down whereupon all the handmaidens stood up and the lady bade them perfume him with pastiles and besprinkle his face with rose water. Then said she to him Allah advance thee to honor thou hast entered my house and hast borne with my conditions for whoso thwarteth me I turn him away and whoso is patient hath his desire. Oh mistress mine said he am thy slave and in the hollow of thine hand. No then continued she that Allah hath made me passionately fond of frolic and whoso falleth in my humor cometh by what so he wisheth then she ordered her maidens to sing with loud voices till the whole company was delighted after which she said to one of them take thy lord and do what is needful for him and bring him back to me forthright so the damsel took my brother and he not knowing what she would do with him but the old woman overtook him and said be patient there remaineth but little to do hath this his face brightened and he stood up before the lady while the old woman kept saying be patient thou wilt now at once win to thy wish till he said tell me what she would have the maiden do with me nothing but good replied she as I am thy sacrifice she wisheth only to die thy eyebrows mustachios as for the dying of my eyebrows that will come off with washing but for the plucking out of my mustachios that indeed is a somewhat painful process be cautious how thou cross her cried the old woman for she hath set her heart on thee so my brother patiently suffered her to die his eyebrows and pluck out his mustachios after which the maiden returned to her mistress and told her quoth she remaineth now only another thing to be done thou must shave his beard and make him a smooth a face so the maiden went back and told him what her mistress had bidden her do and my brother the blockhead said to her how shall I do what will disgrace me before the folk but the old woman said she would do on this wise only that thou mayest be as beardless youth and that no hair be left on thy face to scratch and prick her delicate cheeks for indeed she is passionately love with thee so be patient and thou shall attain thine object my brother was patient and did her bidding and let's shave off his beard and when he was brought back to the lady low he appeared dyed red as to his eyebrows plucked of both mustachios shorn of his beard rouged on both cheeks at first she was affrightened at him then she made mockery of him and laughing till she fell upon her back said oh my lord thou hast indeed won my heart by thy good nature then she conjured him by her life to stand up and dance and he arose and capered about and there was not a cushion in the house but she threw it at his head and in like manner did all her women who also kept pelting in with oranges and lemons and citrons till he fell down senseless from the cuffing on the nape of the neck the pillowing and the fruit pelting now has to tame thy wish said the old woman when he came around there are no more blows in store for thee and there remaineth but one little thing to do it is her want when she is in her cups to let no one have her until she put off her dress and trousers and remain stark naked then she will bid thee doth thy clothes and run and she will run before thee as if she were flying from thee and do thou follow her from place to place till thy prickle stands at fullest point and she will yield to thee adding strip off thy clothes at once so he rose well nigh lost an ecstasy and doffing his raiment showed himself mother naked and Shah Razaad perceived the dawn of day and ceased to say her permitted say when it was the thirty second night she said it had reached me oh auspicious king that when the old woman said to the barber second brother doff thy clothes he rose well nigh lost an ecstasy and stripping off his raiment showed himself mother naked whereupon the lady stripped also and said to my brother if thou want anything run after me till thou catch me then she set out at a run and he ran after her while she rushed into room after room and rushed out of room after room my brother scampering after her in a rage of desire like a veritable madman with yard standing terribly tall after much of this kind she dashed into a darkened place and he dashed after her but suddenly he trod upon a yielding spot which gave way under his weight and before he was aware where he was he found himself in the midst of a crowded market part of the bizarre of the leather sellers who were crying the prices of skins and hides and buying and selling when they saw him in his plight naked with standing yard shorn of beard and moustachios with eyebrows dyed red and cheeks rudded with rouge they shouted and clapped their hands at him and set to flogging him with skins upon his bare body till a swoon came over him then they threw him on the back of an ass and carried him to the chief of police quote the chief, what is this quote they this fellow fell suddenly upon us out of the wazir's house in this state so the prefect gave him a hundred lashes and then banished him from Baghdad however I went out after him and brought him back secretly into the city and made him a daily allowance for his living although were it not for my generous humor I could not have put it with the like of him then the caliph gave ear to the barber's tale of his third brother my third brother's name was alfakik, the gabler who was blind one day fate and fortune drove him to a fine large house and he knocked at the door desiring speech of its owner quote the master of the house who is at the door but my brother spake not a word and presently he heard him repeat with a loud voice who is this still he made no answer and immediately heard the master walk to the door and open it and say what does thou want my brother answered something for Allah Almighty's sake art thou blind asked the man and my brother answered yes quote the other put out his hand and thinking that he would give him something but he took it and drawing him into the house carried him up from stair to stair till they reached the terrace on the house top my brother thinking in the wild that he would surely give him something of food or money then he asked my brother what does thou want oh blind man and he answered something for almighty's sake Allah open for thee some other door oh thou why not say so when I was below stairs why not catcher why not answer me when I first call to thee and what meanest thou to do for me now there is nothing in the house to give thee then take me down the stair the path is before thee so my brother rose and made his way down stairs till he came within 20 steps of the door when his foot slipped and he rolled to the bottom and broke his head then he went out unknowing whether to turn and presently fell in with two other blind men companions of his what does thou gain today he told him what had befallen him and added oh my brothers I wish to take some of the money in my hands and provide myself with it now the master of the house had followed him and was listening to what they said but neither my brother nor his comrades knew of this so my brother went to his lodging and sat down to await his companions and the house owner entered after him without being perceived when the other blind men arrived both the door and search the house lest any stranger have followed us the man hearing this caught hold of a cord that hung from the ceiling and clung to it whilst they went round about the house and searched but found no one so they came back and sitting beside my brother brought out their money which they counted and lo it was 12,000 dirhams each took what he wanted and they buried the rest in a corner of the room then they sat on food and sat down to eat presently my brother hearing a strange pair of jaws munching by his side said to his friends there was a stranger among us and putting forth his hand caught hold of that of the house master thereupon all fell on him and beat him and when tired of belaboring him they shouted, oh ye moslems a thief has come into us seeking to take our money a crowd gathered around them whereupon the intruder hung on to them and complained with them as they complained and shutting his eyes like them so that none might doubt his blindness cried out oh moslems I take refuge with Allah and the governor for I have a matter to make known to him suddenly up came the watch and laying hands on the lot my brother being amongst them drove them to the governors who set them before him and asked what news with you quote the intruder look and find out for thyself not a word shall be wrong from us saved by torture so begun by beating me beat this man our leader and he pointed to my brother so they threw the man at full length and gave him 400 sticks on his back side the beating pained him whereupon he opened one eye and as they redoubled their blows he opened the other eye when the governor saw this he said to him what have we here Roa cursed where too he replied give me the seal ring of pardon we four has sham blind and we impose upon people houses and look upon the unveiled faces of the women and contrive for their corruption in this way we have gotten great pain and our store amounts to 12,000 dirhams so I said to my company give me my share 3,000 but they rose and beat me and took away my money and I seek refuge with Allah and with thee better thou have my share than they so if thou wouldst know the truth of my words beat one and every one of the others has beaten me and he will surely open his eyes the governor gave orders for the question to begin with my brother and they bound him to the whipping post and the governor said oh scum of the earth do ye abuse the gracious gifts of Allah and make as if ye were blind Allah Allah cried my brother by Allah there is none among us who can see then they beat him till he swoon away and the governor cried leave him till he come to and then beat him again after this he caused each of the companions to receive more than 300 sticks whilst the sham Abraham kept saying to them open your eyes or you will be beaten afresh at last the man said to the governor dispatch someone with me to bring thee the money for these fellows will not open their eyes lest they incur disgrace before the folk so the governor sent to fetch the money and gave the man his pretended share 3,000 dirhams and keeping the rest for himself banished the 3 blind men from the city but I, oh commander of the faithful, went out and overtaking my brother questioned him of his case whereupon he told me of what I have told thee so I brought him secretly into the city and appointed him in the strictest privacy an allowance for meat and drink the caliph laughed at my story and said give him a gift and let him go but I said by Allah I will take not till I have made known to the commander of the faithful what came to pass with the rest of my brothers for truly I am a man a few words and spare of speech then the caliph gave ear to the barber's tail of his fourth brother now as for my fourth brother oh commander of the faithful al-khoz al-swani or the long neck guglet height from his brimming over with words the same one who was blind of one eye he became a butcher in Baghdad and he sold flesh and fattened rams and great men and rich bought their meat of him so that he amassed much wealth and he got him cattle and houses he fared thus a long while till one day as he was sitting in his shop there came up an old man and long of the beard who laid down some silver and said give me meat for this he gave him his money's worth of flesh and the oldster went his ways my brother examined the shake's silver and seeing that the dirams were white and bright he set them in a place apart the gray beard continued to return to the shop regularly for five months and my brother ceased not to lay up all the coin he received from him in its own box at last he thought to take out the money to buy sheep so he opened the box and found that nothing saved bits of white paper cut round to look like coin so he buffeted his face and cried aloud till the folk gathered about him whereupon he told him his tale which made them marvel exceedingly then he rose as was his want and slaughtering a ram hung it up inside his shop after which he cut off some of the flesh and hanging it outside kept saying to himself oh Allah would the ill omen'd old fellow but come and an hour had not passed before the shake came with his silver in hand whereupon my brother rose and got hold of him calling out come hate me old Muslims and learn my story with this villain when the old man heard this he quietly said to him which will be the better for thee to let go of me or to be disgraced by me amidst the folk in what wilt thou disgrace me in that thou sellest man's flesh for mutton thou liest thou accursed nay he is the accursed who hath a man hanging up in his feet in his shop if the matter be as thou sayeth I give thee lawful leave to take my money and my life then the old man cried aloud oh ye people if you would prove the truth of my words enter this man's shop the folk rushed in and found that the ram was become a dead man hung up for sale so they set upon my brother crying out oh infidel oh villain and his best friends fell to cuffing dost thou make us eat flesh of the sons of Adam furthermore the old man struck him on the eye and put it out then they carried the carcass with the throat cut before the chief of the city watched to whom the old man said oh emir this fellow butchers men and sells their flesh for mutton and we have brought him to thee so arise and execute the judgments of Allah to whom be honor and glory my brother would have defended himself the chief refused to hear him and sentenced him to receive 500 sticks and to forfeit the whole of his property and indeed had it not been for that same property which he expended in bribes they would have surely slain him then the chief banished him from Baghdad and my brother fared forth that adventure till he came to a great town where he thought it best to set up as a cobbler so he opened a shop and sat there doing what he could for his livelihood one day as he went forth on his business he heard the distant trap of horses and asking the cause was told that the king was going out to hunt and course so my brother stopped to look at the fine sweet it's so fortunate that the king's eye met my brothers where upon the king hung down his head and said I seek refuge with Allah from the evil of this day and turn the reins of his steed and returned home with all his retinue then he gave orders to his guards who seized my brother and beat him with the beating so painful that he was well nigh dead and my brother knew not what could be the cause of his maltreatment after which he returned to his place in sorry's plight soon afterwards he went to one of the king's household and related what happened to him and the man laughed till he fell upon his back and cried oh brother mine know that the king cannot bear to look at a monocular especially if he be blind of the right eye in which case he doth not let him go without killing him when my brother heard this he resolved to fly from that city so he went forth from it to another wherein no one knew him and there he abode a long while one day being full of sorrowful thought for what had befallen him he sallied out to solace himself and as he was walking along he heard the distant trap of horses behind him and said the judgment of Allah is upon me and looked for a hiding place but found none at last he saw a closed door which he pushed hard it yielded and he entered a long gallery in which he took refuge but hardly had he done so when two men set upon him crying out Allah be thanked for having delivered the into our hands oh enemy of God these three nights thou has robbed us of our rest and sleep and verily thou has made us taste of the death cup my brother asked oh folk what ails you and they answered thou give us us the change and go us about to disgrace us and plan us some plot to cut the throat of the house master it is not enough that thou has brought him to beggary thou and thy fellows but now give us up the knife or with thou threaten us every night then they searched him and found in his waist belt the knife used for his shoe leather and he said oh people have the fear of Allah before your eyes and maltreat me not for know it is a right strange and what is thy story said day so he told them what had befallen him and hoping they would let him go however they paid no heed to what he said and instead of showing him some regard beat him grievously and tore off his clothes then finding on his sides the scars of beating with rods they said oh accursed these marks are the manifest signs of thy guilt they carried him before the governor whilst he said to himself I am now punished for my sins and none can deliver me save Allah Almighty the governor addressing my brother asked him oh villain what led thee to enter their house and with intention to murder and my brother answered I conjure thee by Allah hear my words and be not hasty in condemning me but the governor cried shall we listen to the words of a robber who hath beggar these people and who bereth on his back the scar of his stripes adding they surely had not done this to thee save for some great crime so he sentence him to receive and hundred cuts with the scourge after which they set him on a camel and paraded him about the city proclaiming this is the requital and only too little to requite him who breaketh into people's houses then they thrust him out of the city and my brother wandered at random till I heard what had befallen him and going in search of him questioned him of his case so he acquainted me with his story and all his mischances and I carried him secretly to the city where I gave him an allowance for his meat and drink then the caliph gave ear to the barber's tale of his fifth brother end of section 22 of the book of a thousand nights and a night recording by calmdragon.net translated by Richard Burton this is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Peter Yersley the book of a thousand nights and a night section 23 the barber's tale of his fifth brother my fifth brother Alan Nashar the babla the same who was cropped of both ears a commander of the faithful was an asker won't beg of folk by night and live on their arms by day now when our father who was an old man well stricken in years sickened and died he left us seven hundred dearhams whereof each son took his hundred but as my fifth brother received his portion he was perplexed knew not what to do with it while in this uncertainty he bithought him to lay it out on glassware of all sorts and turn an honest penny on its price so he brought an hundred dearhams worth of veroterie and putting it into a big tray sat down to sell it on a bench at the foot of a wall against which he leant back as he sat with the tray before him he fell amusing and said to himself that the head of my wealth my principal invested in this glassware is an hundred dearhams I will assuredly sell it for two hundred with which I will forthright by other glass and make by it four hundred nor will I cease to sell and buy on this wise till I have gotten four thousand and soon find myself the master of much money with these coins I will buy merchandise and jewels and otters and gain great profit on them till, Allah willing I will make my capital an hundred thousand dearhams then I will purchase a fine house with white slaves and eunuchs and horses and I will eat and drink and disport myself nor will I leave a singing man or a singing woman in the city but I will summon them to my palace and make them perform before me all this he counted over in his mind while the tray of glassware worth an hundred dearhams stood on the bench before him and after looking at it he continued and when my capital shall have become one hundred thousand dearhams I will send out marriage brokeresses to require for me in wedlock the daughters of Kings and Wazirs and I will demand to wife the eldest daughter of the prime minister for it has reached me that she is perfect in beauty and prime in loveliness and rare in accomplishments I will give a marriage settlement of one thousand dearhams well but if not I will take her by force from under his very nose when she is safely home in my house I will buy ten little eunuchs and for myself a robe of the robes of kings and sultans and get me a saddle of gold and a bridle set thick with gems of price then I will mount with the mamalooks preceding me and surrounding me and I will make the round of the city whilst the folks salute me and bless me father of the girl with armed white slaves before and behind me and on my right and on my left when he sees me the wazir stands up and seating me in his own place sits down much below me for that I am to be his son-in-law now I have with me two eunuchs carrying purses each containing a thousand dinars and of these I deliver to him the thousand his daughters marriage settlement and make him a free gift of the other thousand that he may have reason to know my generosity and liberality and my greatness of spirit and the littleness of the world in my eyes and for ten words he addresses to me I answer him two then back I go to my house and if one come to me on the bride's part I make him a present of money and throw on him a dress of honour but if he brings me a gift I give it back to him and refuse to accept it let them learn what a proud spirit is mine which never condescends to derogate thus I establish my rank and status when this is done I appoint her wedding night and adorn my house showily gloriously and as the time for parading the bride is come I don my finest attire and sit down on a mattress of gold brocade propping up my elbow with a pillow and turning neither to the right nor to the left but looking only straight in front for the haughtiness of my mind and the gravity of my understanding and there before me stands my wife in her raiment and ornaments lovely as the full moon and I in my loftiness and dread lordliness will not glance at her till those present say to me oh our lord and our master thy wife thy handmaid standeth before thee vouchsafe her one look for standing weary of her then they kiss the ground before me many times whereupon I raise my eyes and cast at her one single glance at the earth-woods again then they bear her off to the bride's chamber and I arise and change my clothes for a far finer suit and when they bring in the bride a second time I deign not to throw her a look till they have begged me many times after which I glance at her out of the corner of one eye and then bend down my head I continue acting after this fashion till the parading and displaying are completed and Shahrazad perceived the dawn of day and ceased saying her permitted say when it was the thirty-third night she said it hath reached me oh auspicious king that the barber's fifth brother proceeded then I bend down my head and continue acting after this fashion till her parading and displaying are completed thereupon I order one of my eunuchs to bring me a bag of five hundred dinars which I give as largesse to the tire women present and bid them one and all lead me to the bride's chamber when they leave me alone with her I neither look at her nor speak to her but lie by her side with my face to the wall showing my contempt that each and every may again remark how high and haughty I am presently her mother comes into me and kissing my head and hand says to me oh my lord look upon my handmaid who longs for thy favour so heal her broken spirit I give her no answer and when she sees this she rises and buses my feet many times and says oh my lord in very sooth my daughter is a beautiful maid who hath never known man and if thou show her this backwardness and aversion her heart will break so do thou incline to her and speak to her and soothe her mind and spirit then she arises and fetches a cup of wine and says to her daughter take it and hand it to thy lord but as she approaches me I leave her standing between my hands and sit propping my elbow on a round cushion purpled with gold thread leaning lazily back and without looking at her in the majesty of my spirit says that she may deem me indeed a sultan and a mighty man then she says to me oh my lord Allah upon thee do not refuse to take the cup from the hand of thine handmaid for verily I am thy bondswoman but I do not speak to her and she presses me saying but that thou drink it and she puts it to my lips then I shake my fist in her face and kick her with my foot thus so he let out with his toe and knocked over the tray of glassware which fell to the ground and falling from the bench all that was on it was broken to bits oh foulest of pimps this comes from the pride of my spirit cried my brother and then oh commander of the faithful he buffeted his face and rent his garments and kept on weeping and beating himself the folk who were flocking to their friday prayers saw him and some of them looked at him and pitted him while others paid no heed to him and in this way my brother lost both capital and profit he remained weeping a long while and at last up came a beautiful lady the scent of musk exhaling from her who was going to friday prayers and followed by several eunuchs when she saw the broken glass and my brother weeping her kind heart was moved to pity for him and she asked what ailed him and was told that he had a tray full of glassware by the sale of which he hoped to gain his living but it was broken and said they there befell him what thou seest thereupon she called up one of her eunuchs and said to him give what thou hast with thee to this poor fellow and he gave my brother a purse in which he found five hundred dinars and when it touched his hand he was well nigh dying for excess of joy and he offered up blessings for her then he returned to his abode a substantial man and as he sat considering someone wrapped at the door so he rose and opened and saw an old woman whom he had never seen oh my son said she know that prayer tide is near and I have not yet made one so kindly allow me the use of thy lodging for the purpose my brother answered to hear is to comply and going in bad her follow him so she entered and he brought her and you were with the wash and sat down like to fly with joy because of the dinars which he had tied up in his belt for a purse when the old woman had made an end of her ablution she came up to where he sat and prayed a two bow prayer after which she blessed my brother with a godly addiction and he while thanking her put his hand to the dinars and gave her two saying to himself these are my volunteers when she saw the gold she cried praise be to Allah why does thou look on one who loveth thee as if she were a beggar take back thy money I have no need of it or if thou want it not return it to her who gave it to thee when thy glassware was broken moreover if thou wish to be united with her I can manage the matter for she is my mistress oh my mother asked my brother by what manner of means can I get at her and she answered oh my son she hath an inclination for thee but she is the wife of a wealthy man so take the whole of thy money with thee and follow me that I may guide thee to thy desire and when thou art in her company spare neither persuasion nor fair words but bring them all to bear upon her so shall thou enjoy her beauty hath thy heart's content my brother took all his gold and rose and followed the old woman hardly believing in his luck she ceased not faring on and my brother following her till they came to a tall gate at which she knocked and a roamy slave girl came out and opened to them then the old woman led my brother into a great sitting-room spread with wondrous fine carpets and hung with curtains he had scarcely taken seat before they came to him a young lady never I saw fairer clad in garments of the most sumptuous whereupon my brother rose to his feet and she smiled in his face and welcomed him signing to him to be seated then she bad shut the door and when it was shut she turned to my brother and taking his hand conducted him to a private chamber furnished with various kinds of brocades and gold cloths and he sat down and she sat by his side and toyed with him a while after which she rose and saying stir not from thy seat till I come back to thee disappeared meanwhile as he was on this wise lo there came into him a black slave big of body and bulk and holding a drawn sword in hand who said to him woe to thee who brought thee hither and what dost thou want here untongued for terror so the blacker more seized him and stripped him of his clothes and bashed him with the flat of his sword-blade till he fell to the ground swooning from excess of belaboring the ill omened nigger fancied that there was an end of him and my brother heard him cry where is the salt-wench whereupon in came a handmaid holding in hand a large tray of salt and the slave kept rubbing it into my brother's wounds but he did not stir and he might find out that he was not dead and kill him outright then the salt-girl went away and the slave cried where is the soot-terrain guardianess hereupon in came the old woman and dragged my brother by his feet to a soot-terrain and threw him down upon a heap of dead bodies in this place he lay two full days but Allah made the salt the means of preserving his life by staunching the blood and staying its flow feeling himself able to move Al-Nashar rose and opened the trap door in fear and trembling and crept out into the open and Allah protected him so that he went on in the darkness and hid himself in the vestibule till dawn when he saw the accursed beldam sally forth in quest of other quarry he followed in her wake without her knowing it and made for his own lodging where he dressed his wounds and medicineed himself till he was whole meanwhile he used to watch the old woman tracking her at all times and seasons and saw her accost one man after another and carry them to the house however he uttered not a word but as soon as he waxed hail and hearty he took a piece of stuff and made it into a bag which he filled with broken glass and bound about his middle he also disguised himself as a persion that none might know him and hid a sword under his clothes of foreign cut and then he went out and presently falling in with the old woman said to her speaking Arabic with a persian accent venerable lady I am a stranger arrived but this day here where I know no one has thou a pair of scales wherein I may weigh eleven hundred dinars I will give thee somewhat of them for thy pains I have a son a money-changer who keepeth all kinds of scales she answered so come with me to him before he goeth out and he will weigh thy gold my brother answered lead the way she led him to the house and the young lady herself came out and opened it whereupon the old woman smiled in her face and said I bring thee fat meat to-day then the damsel took my brother by the hand and led him to the same chamber as before where she sat with him awhile then rose and went forth saying stir not from thy seat till I come back to thee presently in came the accursed slave drawn sword and cried to my brother up and be damned to thee so he rose and as the slave walked on before him he drew the sword from under his clothes and smote him with it, making head fly from body then he dragged the corpse by the feet to the suit terrain and called out where is the salt wench up came the girl carrying the tray of salt and seeing my brother sword in hand turns to fly but he followed her and struck off her head then he called out the suit terrain guardianess and in came the old woman to whom he said dust know me again ill o' wind hag know my lord, she replied and he said I am the owner of the five hundred gold pieces whose house thou entered to make the ablution and to pray and whom thou didst snare hither and betray fear Allah and spare me, cried she but he regarded her not and struck her with the sword till he had cut her in four then he went to look for the young lady and when she saw him her reason fled and she cried out piteously a man, mercy so he spared her and asked what made thee consort with this blackamore and she answered I was slave to a certain merchant and the old woman used to visit me till I took a liking to her one day she said to me we have a marriage festival at our house the like of which was never seen and I wish thee to enjoy the sight is to obey and rising arrayed myself in my finest raiment and ornaments and she took with me a purse containing hundred gold pieces then she brought me hither and hardly had I entered the house when the black seized on me and I have remained in this place three whole years through the perfidy of the accursed bell-dome then my brother asked her is there anything of his in this house where too she answered great store of wealth do so and I'll I give thee good of it my brother went with her and she opened to him sundry chests wherein were money bags at which he was astounded then she said to him go now and leave me here and fetch men to remove the money he went out and hired ten men but when he returned he found the door wide open the damsel gone and nothing left but some small matter of coin and the household stuffs by this he knew that the girl had overreached him so he opened the storerooms and seized what was in them together with the rest of the money leaving nothing in the house he passed the night rejoicing but when morning dawned he found at the door some twenty troopers who laid hands on him saying the governor wants thee my brother implored them hard to let him return to his house and even offered them a large sum of money but they refused and binding him fast with cords carried him off on the way they met a friend of my brother who clung to his skirt and implored his protection begging him to stand by him and help to deliver him out of their hands the man stopped and asked them what was the matter and they answered the governor had ordered us to bring this fellow before him and look he we are doing so my brother's friend urged them to release him and offered them five hundred dinars to let him go saying when ye return to the governor tell him that you are unable to find him but they would not listen to his words and took my brother dragging him along on his face and set him before the governor who asked him whence gotest thou these stuffs and moneys and he answered I pray for mercy that the governor gave him the kerchief of mercy and he told him all that had befallen him from first to last with the old woman and the flight of the damsel ending with what so I have taken take of it what thou wilt so thou leave me sufficient to support life but the governor took the whole of the stuffs and all the money for himself and fearing lest the affair come to the sultan's ears he summoned my brother and said depart from this city else I will hang thee hearing and obedience quoth my brother and set out for another town on the way thieves fell foul of him and stripped him and beat him and docked his ears but I heard tidings of his misfortunes and went out after him taking him clothes and brought him secretly into the city where I assigned to him an allowance for meat and drink and presently the caliph gave ear to the barber's tale of his sixth brother my sixth brother O commander of the faithful Shakashik or many clamours the shorn of both lips was once rich and became poor so one day he went out to beg some what to keep life in him and as he was on the road he suddenly caught sight of a large and handsome mansion with a detached building wide and lofty at the entrance where sat sundry eunuchs bidding and forbidding my brother inquired of one of those idling there and he replied the palace belongs to a scion of the Balmaki house so he stepped up to the doorkeeper and asked an alms of them enter said they by the great gate and thou shalt get what thou seekest from the wazir our master accordingly he went in and passing through the outer entrance walked on a while and presently came to a mansion of the utmost beauty and elegance paved with marble, hung with curtains and having in the midst of it a flower garden whose like he had never seen my brother stood a while as one bewildered not knowing wither to turn his steps then seeing the father end of the sitting chamber tenanted he walked up to it and there found a man of handsome presence and comely beard when this personage saw my brother he stood up to him and welcomed him and asked him of his case where too he replied that he was in want and needed charity hearing these words the grandee showed great concern and putting his hand to his fine robe rented exclaiming am I in a city and thou here am hungered I have not patience to hear such disgrace then he promised him all manner of good cheer and said there is no help but that thou stay with me and eat of my salt oh my lord answered my brother I can wait no longer for I am indeed dying of hunger so he cried oh boy bring basin and ewer and turning to my brother said oh my guest come forward and wash thy hands and rose to do so but he saw neither ewer nor basin yet his host kept washing his hands with invisible soap in imperceptible water and cried bring the table but my brother again saw nothing then said the host honor me by eating of this meat and be not ashamed and he kept moving his hand to and fro as if he ate and saying to my brother I wonder to see the eating thus sparely for I am sure thou art famished so my brother began to make as though he were eating while his host kept saying to him fall to and note especially the excellence of this bread and its whiteness but still my brother saw nothing then he said to himself this man is fond of poking fun at people and replied oh my lord in all my days I never knew ought more winsome than its whiteness or sweeter than its savor the barmeside said this bread was baked by a handmaid of mine bought for five hundred dinars then he called out oh boy bring in the meat pudding for our first dish and let there be plenty of fat in it and turning to my brother said oh my guest Allah upon thee hast ever seen anything better than this meat pudding now by my life eaten to be not abashed presently he cried out again oh boy serve up the marinated stew with the fatted sand-grouse in it and he said to my brother up and eat oh my guest truly they art hungry and needest food so my brother began wagging his jaws and made as if champing and chewing whilst the host continued calling for one dish after another and yet produced nothing save orders to eat presently he cried out oh boy bring us the chickens stuffed with pistachio nuts and said to my brother by thy life oh my guest I have fattened these chickens upon pistachios eat for thou hast never eaten their like oh my lord replied my brother they are indeed first rate then the host began motioning with his hand as though he were giving my brother a mouthful and ceased not to enumerate and expatiate upon the various dishes to the hungry man whose hunger waxed still more violent so that his soul lusted after a bit of bread even a barley scone quoth the barmeside didst thou ever taste anything more delicious than the seasoning of these dishes and quothed my brother never oh my lord eat heartily and be not ashamed said the host and the guest I have eaten my fill of meat said the entertainer cried take away and bring in the sweets and turning to my brother said eat of this almond conserve for it is prime and of these honey fritters take this one by my life the syrup runs out of it may I never be bereaved of thee oh my lord then to ask him about the abundance of musk in the fritters such is my custom he answered they put me a denile weight of musk in every honey fritter and half that quantity of ambergris all this time my brother kept wagging head and his jaws till the master cried enough of this bring us the dessert then said he to him eat of these almonds and walnuts and raisins and of this and that naming diverse kinds of dried fruits and be not abashed but my brother replied oh my lord indeed I'm full I can eat no more oh my guest repeated the host if thou have a mind to these good things eat Allah Allah do not remain hungry but my brother rejoined oh my lord he who hath eaten of all these dishes how can he be hungry then he considered and said to himself I will do that shall make him repent of these pranks presently the entertainer called out bring me the wine and moving his hands in the air as though they had set it before him he gave my brother a cup and said take this cup and if it please thee let me know oh my lord he replied it is notable good as to nose but I am wont to drink wine some twenty years old knock then at this door quoth the host for thou canst not drink of ought better by thy kindness said my brother health and joy to thee exclaimed the house master and feigned to fill a cup and drink it off then he handed another to my brother who quothed it and made as if he were drunken presently he took the host unawares and raising his arm till the white of his armpit appeared dealt him such a cuff on the nape of his neck that the palace echoed to it then he came down upon him with a second cuff and the entertainer cried aloud what is this oh thou scum of the earth replied my brother thou hast shown much kindness to thy slave and admitted him into thine abode and given him to eat of thy vitil then now madeest him drink of thine old wine till he became drunken and boisterous but thou art too noble not to bear with his ignorance and pardon his offence when the bar-macky heard my brother's words he laughed his loudest and said long have I been wont to make mock of men and play the madcap among my intimates but never yet have I come across a single one who had the patience and the wit to enter into all my humours save thyself so I forgive thee and thou shalt be my boon companion and thou shalt be my boon companion in very sooth and never leave me then he ordered the servants to lay the table in earnest and they set on all the dishes of which he had spoken in sport and he and my brother ate till they were satisfied after which they removed to the drinking chamber where they found damsels like moons who sang all manner songs and played on all manner instruments there they remained drinking till their wine got the better of them and the host treated my brother like a familiar friend so that he became as it were his brother and bestowed on him a robe of honour and loved him with exceeding love next morning the two fell again to feasting and carousing and ceased not to lead this life for a term of twenty years at the end of which the bar-misside died and the sultan took possession of all his wealth and squeezed my brother of his savings till he was left a pauper without a penny to handle so he quitted the city and fled forth following his face but when he was halfway between two towns the wild Arabs fell on him and bound him and carried him to their camp where his captor proceeded to torture him saying by thy life of me with thy money as I will slay thee my brother began to weep and replied, my Allah, I have nothing neither gold nor silver but I am thy prisoner so do with me what thou wilt then the Badawi drew a knife broad-bladed and so sharp-grinded that if plunged into a camel throat it would sever it clean across from one jugular to the other and cut off my brother's lips and waxed more insistent in requiring money now this Badawi had a fair wife who in her husband's absence used to make advances to my brother and offer him her favours but he held off from her one day she began to tempt him as usual and he played with her and made her sit on his lap when behold in came the Badawi who seeing this cried out woe to thee, O accursed villain wouldst thou debauch my wife for me then he took out a knife and cut off my brother's yard after which he bound him on the back of a camel and carrying him to a mountain left him there he was at last found by some who recognised him and gave him meat and drink and acquainted me with his condition whereupon I went forth to him and brought him back to Baghdad, where I made him an allowance sufficient to live on. This then, O commander of the faithful, is the history of my six brothers, and I feared to go away without relating it all to thee, and leave thee in the error of judging me to be like them, and now thou knowest that I have six brothers upon my hands, and being more upright than they, I support the whole family. When the caliph heard my story, and all I told him concerning my brothers, he laughed and said, Thou sayest sooth, O silent man, though art indeed spare of speech, nor is there auto-forwardness in thee. But now go forth out of this city and settle in some other, and he banished me under edict. I left Baghdad, and travelled in foreign parts, till I heard of his death, and the accession of another to the caliphate. Then I returned to Baghdad, where I found all my brothers dead, and chanced upon this young man, to whom I rendered the kindliest service, for without me he had surely been killed. Indeed he slanders me, and accuses me of a fault which is not in my nature, and what he reports concerning impudence and meddling and forwardness is idle and false, for verily on his account I left Baghdad, and travelled about full many a country, till I came to this city, and met him here in your company, and was not this, O worthy assemblage, of the generosity of my nature? The end of the tailor's tale. Then quoth the tailor to the king of China. When we heard the barber's tale, and saw the excess of his locustity, and the way in which he had wronged this young man, we laid hands on him, and shut him up, after which we sat down in peace, and ate, and drank, and enjoyed the good things of the marriage feast, till the time of the calls of mid-afternoon prayer, when I left the party, and returned home. My wife received me with sour looks, and said, Thou goist a pleasuring among my friends, and thou levest me to sit sorrowing here alone, so now, unless thou take me abroad, and let me have some amusement for the rest of the day, I will cut the rope, and it will be the cause of my separation from thee. So I took her out, and we amused ourselves till supper time. When we returned home, and fell in with this hunchback, who was brimful of drink, and trolling out these rhymes, clears the wine, the cups fine, like to like they combine, it is wine and not cup, it is a cup and not wine. So I invited him to supper with us, and went out to buy fried fish, after which we sat down to eat, and presently my wife took a piece of bread, and a fit of fish, and stuffed them into his mouth, and he choked, and though I slapped him long and hard between the shoulders, he died. Then I carried him off, and contrived to throw him into the house of this leech, the Jew, and the leech contrived to throw him into the house of the Reeve, and the Reeve contrived to throw him on the way of the Nazarene Broker. This then is my adventure, which befell me but yesterday, is not it more wondrous than the story of the hunchback? When the king of China heard the tale as tale, he shook his head for pleasure, and showing great surprise said, This that passed between the young man, and the busybody of a barber, is indeed more pleasant and wonderful than the story of my lying naive of a hunchback. Then he bade one of his chamberlains go with the tailor, and bring the barber out of jail, saying, I wish to hear the talk of this silent man, and it shall be the cause of your deliverance one and all. Then we will bury the hunchback, for that he is dead since yesterday, and set up a tomb over him. Then Shah-Razad perceived the dawn of day, and ceased to say her permitted say, When it was the thirty-fourth night, she said, It hath reached me, oh auspicious king, that the king of China bade, Bring me the barber, who shall be the cause of your deliverance. Then we will bury this hunchback, for that he is dead since yesterday, and set up a tomb over him. So the chamberlain and the tailor went to the jail, and releasing the barber presently returned with him to the king. The sultan of China looked at him and considered him carefully, and lo and behold he was an ancient man, past his nineteenth year, swat of face, white of beard, and whore of eyebrows, lop-eared and proboscis-nosed, with a vacant, silly, and conceited expression of countenance. The king laughed at this figure of fun, and said to him, O silent man, I desire thee to tell me somewhat of thy history, quote the barber, O king of the age, allow me first to ask thee what is the tale of this Nazarene, and this Jew, and this Muslim, and this hunchback, the corpse, I see among you, and prithee what may be the object of this assemblage? Quote the king of China, and why does thou ask? I ask, he replied, in order that the king's majesty may know that I am no forward fellow or busybody or impertinent meddler, and that I am innocent of their colluminous charges of overmuch talk, for I am he whose name is the silent man, and indeed peculiarly happy is my sobriquet, as says the poet, when a nickname or little name men design know that nature with name shall full oft combine. Then said the king, explain to the barber the case of this hunchback, and what befell him at supper-time. Also repeats to him the stories told by the Nazarene, the Jew, the Reeve, and the Taylor, and of no avail to me is a twice-told tale. They did his bidding, and the barber shook his head, and said, By Allah! This is a marvel of marvels. Now uncover me the corpse of Yonder Hunchback. They undid the winding-sheet, and he sat down, and, taking the hunchback's head in his lap, looked at his face, and laughed, and gaffored, till he fell upon his back, and said, There is wonder in every death, but the death of this hunchback is worthy to be written and recorded in letters of liquid gold. The bystanders were astounded at his words, and the king marveled, and said to him, What hails thee, O silent man? Explain to us thy words. O king of the age, said the barber, I swear by thy beneficence that there is still life in this gob-o-go-lightly. Thereupon he pulled out of his waist-belt a barber's budget. Wents he took a pot of ointment, and anointed therewith the neck of the hunchback, and its arteries. Then he took a pair of iron tweezers, and inserting them into the hunchback's throat, drew out the fit of fish with its bone, and when it came to sight, behold, it was soaked in blood. Thereupon the hunchback sneezed, a hearty sneeze, and jumped up as if nothing had happened, and passing his hand over his face said, I testify that there is no God but the God, and I testify that Muhammad is the apostle of God. At this sight all present wondered. The king of China laughed till he fainted, and in like manner did the others. Then said the sultan, By Allah, of a truth this is the most marvellous thing I ever saw. O Muslims, O soldiers all, did you ever in the lives of you see a man die and be quickened again? Verily, had not Allah vouchsafed to him this barber, he had been a dead man, quathay, by Allah it is a marvel of marvels. Then the king of China, Bade, record this tale, so they recorded it, and placed it in the royal muniment rooms, after which he bestowed costly robes of honour, upon the Jew, the Nazarene, and the Reeve, and bad them depart in all esteem. Then he gave the tailor a sumptuous dress, and appointed him his own tailor, with suitable pay and allowances, and made peace between him and the hunchback, to whom also he presented a splendid and expensive suit, with a suitable stipend. He did as generously with the barber, giving him a gift and a dress of honour. Moreover he settled on him a handsome sold, and created him barber-surgeon of state, and made him one of his cup-companions, so they ceased not to live the most pleasurable life, and the most delectable, till there came to them the destroyer of all delights, and the sundryer of all societies, the depopulator of palaces, and the garnerer for graves. Yet, oh most auspicious king, continued Charazade, this tale is by no means more wonderful than that of the two Wazirs, and Anis Al-Jalis, quote her sister Dunyazad, and what may that be, whereupon she began to relate the following tale of Nur al-Din Ali, and the damsel Anis Al-Jalis, the end of volume one of the Book of a Thousand Nights and a Night, translated by Richard Burton.