 That's the theme from the Sears Radio Theater. Tonight's story is a comedy with Andy Griffith as your host. Here's a preview. Here you'll meet right before your very ears the outstanding persons about whom all the world is excited. Persons you would die to have in your very own home. Persons who have made their marks in the world. Persons whom you envy so much you could scream. The Sears Radio Theater will begin after this message from your local station. This is Andy Griffith. A short while back when I was standing right here in this exact spot I introduced one of my favorite talents to you and then I sat right down over there. The seat was empty at the time and I listened right along with the rest of you and had myself a thoroughly good time. So did you it appears. And welcome to our new invention, a television program without the annoying picture tube. This show is done in black and white sound and you don't have to watch that rotten little kid say bring around the coward. And if you've been following the series you know that we run a clean shop hardly any racism. We just offend majorities. No violence very little SEX. Oh I suppose there's some SEX but your kid can listen if you can get him to hold still. Anyway your kid knows more about SEX than I do. He probably learned it from watching the news. Remember that case a while back where a wife said her husband R-A-P-E-D her? And after the trial he said to go back and try it again. And then they got or are getting a divorce. Well the kids learn. Then he probably watches or watched Welcome Back Illiterate where he learned how to talk dirty to a school teacher. You may have noticed that when I say your child I say he. Well we're not SEX-I-S-T either. It's just that there's a missing pronoun in English. We need a single word that means both he and she which causes me to say Welcome Back in Remorgen. Radio Theatre, a new adventure in radio listening. Five nights of exceptional entertainment every week brought to you in Elliott Lewis production of The Sears Radio Theatre. Tonight here's Morgan again. Henry Morgan that is. The Sears Radio Theatre is brought to you by Sears Robock and Company. Sears where America shops for value. Does the inside of your head sound like this? Or does it sound like this? A new scientific breakthrough can remove your headache in a matter of seconds. Yes in seconds your annoying aching headache will be gone. Scientists in long white coats holding test tubes while standing in very complicated laboratories full of glass things and electric stuff have come up with eight out. Eight out takes the eight out of your head in seconds. Don't listen to the makers of rest-a-locks. I've seen their advertising and I'm here to tell you that rest-a-locks is bunk. The good stuff is eight out. And for laughs you ought to compare eight out with that punk merchandise wrist of bad. Wrist of bad stinks. They don't do nothing it's rotten. Ooh wrist of bad. Listen just listen to this man. A man who tried wrist of bad. What do you say about wrist of bad sir? Yeah. And here's a man who tried eight out. What did you think sir? Oh boy it was. You have it friends other brands are. While eight out is. Friends straight from the new guinea book of records may we introduce the man who ate 23 lemon meringue pies in 42 minutes from Gross Point, Michigan. Mr. Fats Olson. Welcome to the program Fats. I beg your pardon. Oh I beg your pardon. I'm sorry I didn't mean to give you a lesson at manners. I just meant that I haven't heard what you said. No I didn't say that. I know that's what I meant. At any rate you seem to hold the world's record for eating lemon meringue pies by the way are you sure you hold the record? What do you mean? Well it just occurred to me that somewhere in the world someone may have eaten more than you but didn't do anything about it. What do you mean? I simply mean that someone somewhere may have eaten your record but never got in touch with the new guinea people. In other words it's like the Miss America contest. Did it ever occur to you there might be a much better Miss America somewhere but she just didn't enter the contest. It's possible you know. I like it the way it is. You like it the way it is. Yeah the whole thing. I like I like the bathing suit part best. The rest of it all. Well you wouldn't want Miss America to be just somebody who looks good in a bathing suit would you? The rest of it is just. Don't you want the girl to have talent? I got all the talent you need. It's right here in a book. Plenty of talent. Well yes you certainly have a talent for eating lemon meringue pies. I was wondering could you have eaten more if they'd been say custard pies, cherry pies, blueberry pies. That's stupid you know. Oh is it? You're stupid, stupid. Every one of them pies it's a different contest. Like custard pies is a fellow in Australia named a guinea, Elvis guinea. Now I got the lemon meringue. Next I take our guinea for the custard. How will you go about it? Oh boy, are you something else? Something else or I'll explain it to you. What you do is you start off slow. Like the first day maybe I'll eat three, four custard pies before breakfast later maybe five or six. You mean for lunch? No, after breakfast. Good Lord, what would you eat for breakfast? You think I'm going to say custard pies right? Well no. Well that's what I eat. Maybe five or six for breakfast. I don't think we should go on with this. For an afternoon snack maybe I'll eat five or six more. Then thank you very much. Maybe I'll eat half a dozen before dinner. I don't want to know. You know what I eat for dinner? You know what I eat for dinner? I don't want to know. Lamb chops. Thank you. And five custard pies for being our guest, Mr. Fats, over. Our next guest was to have been the man who became governor of Massachusetts by promising to reduce taxes by $500 million. Unfortunately, the voters are now demanding twice that much to have their heads examined. Therefore, good night for the New Guinea Book of Records. Of the United States is made up of our most talented and capable citizens, men who are elected to their high office because they're the most intelligent, the most gifted leaders in America. A great part of the work of the Senate is done in committees. Now many people have wondered about what goes on in those committees. We taken out of the Senate office building in our nation's capital. To be specific, we're now in room 403, where a committee meeting is taking place among four of our distinguished senators. Bolivar, Makepeace, Moon, and Yaka Maka. The chairman has called for a meeting to order. This here meeting will come to order. This is the SEALAC Special Subcommittee of the Permanent Standing Committee for the Investigation of Illegitimate, Communistic, and Illegal Conspiracies. I hate conspiracies. I really do. All right, then. Let's get going. You all got the papers in front of you? No, oh, yes, sir. All the way here. Good, good, good. I've been on a pack of committees, and we'll start the way you always do. Shuffle them, baby. Good, we've done that real good. Is there any questions? I'm about ready to answer the last meeting. Here, here, here. What do you mean, here, here? Well, I've been on committees before. I know what to do. When somebody says something, you think he's right. You say, here, here. These ways, I always does. Oh, that's right, that's right. My distinguished colleague from the great state of Baster Massup has got the right of it. And may I add, Senator, that in my humble opinion, you do a great job, great job. Oh, thank you, Senator. May I say that in my humble opinion, you are an OK chairman crackerjack. Oh, thanks, thanks, thanks to you, Senator. Thank you. Now, where were we? Well, I already sit here, here, so it ain't my turn. I realize that, Senator, and I thank you. And I thank you? How about the minutes? Fine, fine, fine. Any objections? Carried 100%. Now, who's got the minutes? The secretary's supposed to read the minutes. Well, this being the first meeting of the subcommittee, Senator, we don't seem to have a secretary. It's in the appropriation, though. I know that. How much is in the appropriation? Anybody got the figures on that? I believe the figure's 35. Yes, the appropriation for the great work of this special committee is 35. Is that millions or billions? I'm sorry, I don't know the details. I can't, of course, put my staff to work on it, and I'm sure we can have the facts for you by the end of the week. But I do know that the front number is 35. Well, that ought to be enough so we can hire a secretary. I mean, here we are having a real meeting right here now, and there's minutes going on. We should have somebody take them down, like in the court, where somebody sits at one of those little machines. It's like a typewriter, but isn't you know what I mean? Say, gentlemen, that gives me a wonderful idea. You know who's our great secretary? My very own wife, that's who. And she is great on minutes. What do I get her? Any objections? No. Carry it. I'll just phone and see who she wants to job. Hello, honey. It's me. No, no, no, no. It's me, Fruitcake. That's her name for me, Fruitcake. Quite a story behind it. Oh, yes, sweetheart, yes. Well, what I was calling about, yeah, yeah, I know. I'm sorry. All over the floor, huh? I'm sorry. Yeah, what I was calling about, as long as you're on the phone anyway, is I'm running this here important committee, see? And we need a secretary for the minutes and all. Just a minute. What's it page, you said? I don't know. I don't know. Really, what is it? It pays around $40,000, sweetheart. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Well, $50,000. Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. $60,000. You will? Well, that's wonderful, sweetheart. Room 403. OK, that's me, all right. She'll do it. She can give us every other Thursday from three to half past. Well, take that's all it takes for minutes. Well, I guess so. Praise be that settled. Sure helps when you know the committee business the way I do. Mr. Chairman. The chair recognizes the distinguished senator from the great state of Bassapras. Yeah, well, now that things have really moved right along, I think that further investigation is necessary. And in order to do my part, I propose that I do a month's research in Paris-France. I feel, Mr. Chairman, that what my distinguished colleague has just said is more than reasonable, except that I personally would prefer to start in Hong Kong, someplace like that. Good thinking. That's good thinking. I just think my wife's wrong. You got it. And I'll just wait for y'all in the good old US Virgin Islands. There it is. And I'll get the wife started on the minutes and all. Well, gentlemen, if there's no further business, no, first then I'll entertain a motion that this meeting be adjourned. I make a motion that this meeting of the special subcommittee of the permanent standing committee for the investigation of illegitimate, communistic, and illegal conspiracies gathered here to investigate the conspiracy behind the murder of that great president Abraham Lincoln, the adjourned. Paris. The opium will return after this message from your local station. We'll be working again with a question, friends. Are your teeth dull and dingy? Would you like your teeth to shine like the Egyptian sun? Use genuine King Tut-Tut paste. If you use King Tut-Tut paste on your genuine King Tut-Tut brush, you're taught your teeth. We'll glitter for 3,000 years. This Tut paste is made to a secret formula known only to the ancients. Everybody knows that when a mummy's dug up after 3,000 years, it looks just fine. That's because the whole body was rubbed all over with King Tut-Tut paste. This is the same Tut paste that is used by the president of the King Tut-Tut paste company. It has a wonderful flavor, too. Tastes like dates. King Tut is the first paste on the market that doesn't fight cavities. We've had enough of violence. King Tut negotiates. So remember, for that 3,000-year smile, use what the pharaohs used. Wonderful date-flavored King Tut-Tut paste at all drugstores and tombs. The ready-for-prime-time players bring to Fantasy Pond. Fantasy Pond, as you know, is that wonderful resort to which people go in order to get whatever it is they left home for. The resort is run by two charming men, Mickey Monty, a handsome suave bachelor from Bolivia, the other a sex-crazed dwarf with a cockamamie accent. We take you now to Fantasy Pond. The fantasy-laden folks is approaching. Yes. Perhaps there will be a big curfew blonde lady. And what the chef, as you know, I always dance with big curfew blonde ladies. I don't like to do it, but it gets last. I see there is nothing long there in that place. What a pity you're so short that you didn't see it. Let me help you to your feet. Oh, my. It must have hit you right on top of the head. Your foolishness shorter. This calls for legal action. Tut-Tut, here come two lovely guests. Good evening. I am Mickey Monty, part owner of Fantasy Pond. This is Mervie. He owns the smaller part of the world. Parindu. Parindu. Mervie, I must go. Will you do the honors? Certainly. Now, ladies and gentlemen, let me show you how I'm deprived. Here on this resort, we have some noisy birds. And some noisy animals. And some noisy animals. And some quiet flowers. You see? Oh, it's nice and quiet. Oh, I'm nice and quiet, yes. Now, may I introduce myself? I'm Psy, and I'm here to win a great deal of money. This is my friend, Miss Brazinski. Brazinski, are you a spell dad? The same way everybody else does. Of course. Oh, I see that you are a big, blonde, curvy lady. Yes, I guess I am from your point of view. Oh, was I pointing? I'm sorry. And don't ask me to dance. Say just how tall or short are you? Well, I was four feet before the gangplank hit me. Now I'm only three feet ten inches. Say that's very interesting. I happen to be a lawyer, and I think I see a way to make a big pile of money for both of us, of course. Of course. I'll sue for a million dollars an inch. Oh, boy. Of course, the first inch is mine. Now to start, you give me $10,000. $10,000? What for? That's my retainer. Retainer? What does that mean? It means that no matter what happens, I retain the $10,000. You know something that was better listening to the flowers? Sorry. Anyway, here we are at the casino. Do you like to gamble? Mr. Garfunkel. Simon and Garfunkel. You made a name is Ann? Oh, you've heard of me. I think so. And you, lady, I know it's Brzezinski. Well, it isn't. He was just kidding you. My family name is Marie. Oh, this is very nice, Marie. And what is your first name? Donnie Ann. It would be interesting if you married this gentleman. Your name, I mean. Yes. It would be Donnie Ann, Marie, Simon and Garfunkel. If I kept my maiden name too, of course, but it would be better to be Donnie Ann, Simon and Garfunkel simply by killing off Marie. That's a good idea. My partner, I'll tell you all. Are there Mr. Garfunkel, Simon and Garfunkel? Oh, how do you do, Miss Simon? No, he's Simon. I'm Donnie Ann. Donnie and Garfunkel, I see. No, we're not married. Then Donnie Ann is your Christian name. And Garfunkel is his Jewish name. That's very interesting. I've known a few Finkels, but this is my first funkel. Well, Finkel, funkel, I want a gamble. What's the limit here? All that depends on your credit rating. I can't find a credit manager to push over. Okay, who's the credit manager? I am. Have you any credit cards? Oh, sure. Let's see, here's one, American Local. You mean American Express, of course. No, American Local. It's good in a lot of stores in North Dakota. And here's one for China, the Orient Express card. And here's one for the National Bank of Palestine. This one's for Mother's Gas. Mother's Gas? My mother runs a gas station back home. Well, your credit is certainly good with us. Feel free to play at any dollar limit table. Thank you. Come on, Donnie. Let's go into the casino. It's time to make your bet on his rule at the table, sir, and my dad. Say, is this game on us? Oh, yes, sir. This casino is run by the government. Fine. And the government is run by Joe Bandana, family of Chicago. We don't fool around. Good. Well, we'll take $20 in chips. And here, Don, you play these 10. And I'll just put a dollar each on three, six, and nine. I'll put a dollar on red. And the whale's been in full mop, 21 red. Oh, good. I win. Let it ride. I'll just play three, six, and nine again. They're my lucky numbers. And the winner is 30 red. Isn't that nice? I'll just let the four dollars ride. That's silly. Take two dollars out. Play it intelligently. Here, I'll take three, six, and nine again. And the winning number is 14 red. Eight dollars. How lovely. I'll play those. You're being an idiot. You don't know what you're doing. Here's the winner, 12 red. No, I have 16. I'm doing fine. I'll just put these eight dollars on black. Red has had it. I'll just let these ride. And the number is 32 red. Can you believe it? I have 32 dollars. What do you got? Oh, you bet black, didn't you? Who asked you? Did anybody ask you? I didn't hear anybody ask you. I think I'll just bet my 32 dollars on number two. Give me 20. Here, I'm betting red. And the winning is number two black. $1,120 isn't that sweet? What do you mean sweet? It's just dumb, stupid luck. That's all. By the way, we're partners, you know. I gave you that $10. Oh, yes, you're right, dear. I could never have done it without you. What's fair is fair. Here's your $10 set. I'll kill. I'll kill. No, no, folks. We don't want a scene here to do these. I'll give you a scene. You golf ball-headed little weasel. Come out from behind there and fight like half a man. Here. I'll get on my knees. We'll fight even. Go ahead. Put up your tiny fists. Look, I'll put one hand behind my back and fight you with two fingers. I thought you wanted to be my lawyer. Later, I'll be your lawyer. First, I'm going to kill you. Now, now, is there some little problem here? Yeah, there's a little problem, and I'm going to eliminate it. Say goodbye to short stuff. No, no, I'm sure this can all be adjusted. Tell me, how much did Mr. Franco lose? 20,000? 25? 10. 10,000? Well... 10 dollars. 10 dollars. 10 dollars. Mr. Franco, would you mind snapping outside for just a moment? Just follow me. Now, Mr. Franco, you have lost 10 dollars. Allow me to make an adjustment. What are you doing with that gun? I hope you don't mind. I'm going to kill you. You killed him. Was he for the 10 dollars? No, my friend. After all, this is fantasy part. I like acting out my own fantasies too, you know. I did it for pleasure. This is Henry Morgan back in the theater. I'm sure you know that now, after many years, lawyers have agreed that it pays to advertise. Friends, are you about to sue somebody? Now is the perfect time to bring a lawsuit. You know perfectly well that somebody is bothering you. Maybe it's your neighbor, or the gas company, or your wife. The thing to do is sue. Friends, thousands of sufferers just like you have sued and won. It's a lot easier than you think. And Greenspan, Fartle, Boys and Berry and McNiss are killed. No matter what the problem, Greenspan, Fartle, Boys and Berry and McNiss, you like lightning. And you don't have to come to us. Merely pick up your phone and call the toll-free number, and in no time at all, one of our well-dressed lawyers wearing a duck tie will call at your home. Or send for our free booklet, which describes thousands of things you can sue for that you never even thought of. Now friends, just to show you how we work and to attract some new clients, all this week we are featuring an all-purpose divorce for $4. But you must hurry. The way sued and a wife you love so's you. McNiff, of course. We are the place to handle your case. Our distinguished feature, Persons Magazine. Here you'll meet right before your very ears the outstanding persons about whom all the world is excited. Persons you would die to have in your very own home. Persons who have made their marks in the world. Persons whom you envy so much you could scream. In fact, we're so overcome that they have consented to appear in this program. We're all sick and nervous. I'm about to introduce the first famous, glamorous person. My hands are shaking. Ladies and gentlemen, our first person this week, that gorgeous model who appears in the advertising for the famous French perfume, Channel 44, Darlene Esther Hazy. Really a thrill. Tell me, how did you become an internationally famous beauty? Well, Mr. Nardo, first I want to say that Channel 44, the world's most exotic odor, also makes a few other items, which I'm sure you'll agree. Why, of course. Channel 44 is also the maker of the world's famous Channel 44 body dust powder for the body you love to touch, even when you're doing it yourself. Also the famous Channel 44 grease inhibitor, the Channel 44 moisturizer, which keeps in the precious moisture and screams out the harmful dry, the Channel 44 bath time on board, the Channel 44 gentle blushed cheek, a handsome flyer, the pre-dawn emollient for those who are obliged to rise in the wee hours. Or for those who aren't home yet, the Channel 44 wrinkle remover for those who would be smooth of brow and available, Channel 44... No, Mrs. Esther Hazy, we were thinking... The famous sunset application for those who anticipate a gay evening on the town and also best we forget. The Channel 44 baby bottom cotton swabs for skin one would caress with one's lips. Is that it? Well, that's what they wrote down. Now we can proceed with the interview. Ow! I forgot to look at the other side of the paper. It says, at your favorite beauty counter, drugstore specialty shop... Thank you very much, darling. No, she's a supplier. Esther Hazy. Now, Persons Magazine takes great pleasure in presenting that remarkable disco drummer and lead singer of the number one group in the country today, the Iron Jackass. Here is Sid Abominable. That's her. That's her Abominable. It's nice to have you with us. By the way, is Abominable your real name? Nah. Well, may I ask what your real name is? Suit yourself. All right. What is it? What's it to you? Oh, I'm sorry. I misunderstood. Disgusting. Well, I'm... I am sorry. I didn't... That's my real name. Disgusting. Oh. I'm part Italian on my father's side. I see. That's a kind of a translator. Scotch Irish on my mother's side. Oh, you... I got some Croatian blood in me, too. Little of this, little of that. And you put this and that together and you get... My father's part French. Uh-huh. So the reason I wasn't here last week is I was picked up by the fuzz in a motel and buskirk for nothing. Nothing. I was framed. The first set I had $40,000 worth of junk. What a lie. Lies. You mean you didn't have $40,000 worth of junk on you? I had $80,000. And then from a cop stole half of it. Well, now, that's a pretty serious accusation. We could be in trouble. Would you like to reconsider? I needed that $80,000. It was going to put my little kid through college. Well, it doesn't cost $80,000 to put a kid through college. I'm talking about five years from now. I see. And what does little disgusting want to be when he grows up? A drummer like you? Abominable. I made the name famous. Why should a kid grow up disgusting when he can be abominable? Oh, I was thinking that maybe you'd want to use your wife's name. What was it, by the way? I mean, before you married her. Mary. Same as now. Mary. No, I meant... Mary Filthy. She's part laugh then. Well, I want to thank you, Sir Abominable, for being with us today. It was a pleasure indeed. She's part Bolivian also. Persons Magazine is proud to present one of the most glamorous women of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jackie Oye. Welcome, welcome, Jackie Oye. We're all just dying to hear about your latest goings-on. Where were you last night, for instance? Last night? Oh, dear. Well, the evening started with a little dinner given by the Maharaja of Bombay. Bombay. I didn't know they had a Maharaja. Not now, then. Oh, when was then? Before. All the poor thing has left is a little old bunch of rubies and emeralds and a tin mine. A tin mine? Or tin mines, you know, more than nine. He has an Irish accent? Yes. Dinner was very nice. He had stuffed Brussels sprout. Good Lord, how do you stuff a Brussels sprout? He has two chefs. One holds the Brussels sprout. While the other does the stuffing. I see, and what did you do after dinner? We took pornographs of everybody. Pornographs? With an instant pornographic camera. In color. And sound, of course. We can skip the details. Why? I have a pornographic memory. I don't mean to be rude, but I think you mean photographic. Is that dirty? Well, no. Then I have a pornographic memory. Who was your date for the evening? My next-to-last husband. What about your present husband? St. Philip. Oh, wait a minute, now. You mean the man you married to now is on the way out. Wow. Hey, that's a scoop. Who's the next one, Jackie? You mean the last one? Yes. Well, I'm not sure. The Maharaja has asked me, but I'm not sure. Why is that? Well, I might want him for the next one, but I'm not sure that I'd want him for the last one. Well, he does have that Irish broad. See, that's what I'm not sure about. Either he's Irish on his mother's side, or... Or what? Or he's working for the CIA. I'll let you know. Thank you, and good night, Jackie Oil. Weather forecast. The barometer will be falling. See? And Morgan will be on the same corner from the cigar store very soon at this same time. Our policy is satisfaction guaranteed, or your money back. Sears, where America shops for value. Here's Morgan again. The film was written by and starred Henry Morgan, produced and directed by Fletcher Markle. Your host was Andy Griffith. Members of the company were Elvia Allman, Bill Baldwin, Dawes Butler, Mary Jane Croft, Virginia Gregg, Elliott Lewis, Shepard Menken, and Frank Nelson. The music for Sears Radio Theater was composed and conducted by Nelson Riddle. This is Art Gilmore speaking. Associate director of Sears Radio Theater is Ken McManus. Sound effects were created by Bud Tollison. Joanne Thompson is production supervisor. And the recording engineers are Joe Wachter and Hal McDonald. The Elliott Lewis production of Sears Radio Theater is a presentation of CVI.