 So, most of you know by now that I'm in a significant relationship and we now live together. And you're probably wondering how does a man commit? How does he make that level? And I use this as commitment as joining hands with another person, bonding with another person. In my case, it's moving in together. For some people it might be getting married, for others it might be the agreement of monogamy and exclusivity and what unfolds thereafter. So I wanted to explore the idea of readiness because I think it's especially with men over forty, understanding readiness can make a big difference if you're seeking a serious fully committed relationship. So when I go back in time to my journey of where I'm at today, after going through a divorce in my forties, one of the first things I did was join online dating. I was so unhappy in my marriage that I needed something to fill the void, so to speak. That line from Jerry Maguire, you complete me. I was feeling such a void and I wanted companionship, connection, and sex. So I just immediately put myself out on the dating apps. This was in the early, around 2005, 2006. Sometimes it's just hard to believe I've been divorced for over a decade and a half. And I remember, and some of you know this story, I'd go out on a first date with someone, I'd meet a really nice woman and we'd have a really good time and something wasn't right. I mean another woman, good person, good time, something wasn't right. Happened again and again and again. In fact in my first year after my divorce, I had over a hundred internet dates. I literally was going out on two dates a week meeting new people and that included having a short-lived relationship in that time for three months and I was monogamous and exclusive at that time. So I was really having a lot of first meetings. A few of those first meetings turned into a second date and a few of those second dates turned into again a short-lived relationship. Okay, so why am I sharing this with you? I said I'd meet someone, really good person, that something wasn't right. Well, I realized after a year that something wasn't right was me and I began exploring personal development, self-help and spiritual work and I felt like something was missing in my life and certainly at that time in my life I was going through a contentious divorce. I lost my quarter million dollar a year job in the insurance business and I say lost. I got, this is embarrassing to say, they wanted to put me back. I was in management. They wanted to put me back into regular sales and I just, I was burnt out at that point in my life. Anyway, why I'm bringing this up is back in those early stages when I said something wasn't right was me, was I was actively dating hoping to connect with someone and yet I wasn't ready even close for commitment. In fact, remember I shared a moment ago about that short-lived relationship, it was three months long. I remember the first thing she said to me is Jonathan, I have to date you with rose colored glasses. I go, why do you say that? She goes, you are so not ready for a relationship. She said that to me. I was on our third date and I said, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm so ready for a relationship. She was nice gal. We're still friends to this day. In fact, she met someone amazing after our relationship ended and she got married. In fact, I have this feeling I'm like that movie Good Luck Chuck. If you went out with me there's a good chance you'd meet someone right afterwards and this happened many a times. Anyway, she said you're not ready for a relationship. When I said I'm ready, three months later I realized I wasn't ready for the emotional responsibility of a relationship, emotional responsibility of a relationship. What I mean to say is you certainly heard men are provider protectors. Many men, the protector notion is protecting from the physical elements of the world. From neighboring tribes and such trying to take over your tribe and whatnot and have your bow and arrow and be the protector goes deeper that. I think when a man isn't ready for commitment, it's because he's not ready to take on the emotional responsibility of being a protector in the relationship. In other words, being so attuned to who he is and where he's at in his life that he recognizes that the minute you bond on an emotional and physical level, when you start to bond in that emotional, physical level, there is an element of protecting the other person's best interests until a man is ready to protect your best interests because that's what real trust lies in a relationship. It's saying your needs are just as important as my needs. Your best interest is as important as my best interests. That's where trust lies. Till a man is capable of getting to a place where he says his partner's best interests are as equally as important as his best interests. Yet sadly today, many women alike, especially the early stage of dating, it's always I want my best interests. It doesn't matter if you're the man or woman and their interests are lie here. What tends to happen is women start to be more inclined to be caring about the man's best interests, but he's still here because if a man isn't ready for commitment and I do believe commitment means going beyond monogamy and exclusivity because it's easy to agree to monogamy and exclusivity to actually commit to putting that person's best interest as relevant as their own best interests. Think about that for a second. It's really saying this is an important piece and if the man's life, one of the reasons why men coming back to readiness and coming back to what I shared before, I was going through a contentious divorce. I was going through professional issues in my life. Those are two important necessities. What I mean to say is stability from your past, stability in your present life and for some people it doesn't have to be a contentious divorce. It could be grand issues with their children in life. For some people it could be substantial health issues. For some people it could be caring for elderly parents. Many of us in the baby boom Gen X period, that's something we're faced with and for some people that can be so overwhelming that the ground underneath them doesn't feel solid to actually be able to commit to another person beyond monogamy and exclusivity. That's actually something pretty easy to commit to. For some people it seems to be hard to commit to monogamy or exclusivity because they want to keep their options open. The other piece about readiness for commitment is also the desire to want to be fully committed to someone. As I shared in the beginning of this broadcast, I'm now grateful to be living with my partner. We didn't meet that long ago and some people have criticized, well we rushed it. Who am I to judge someone else's choices and who are you to judge my choices? I'm not suggesting you have. I have lots of people that have out in the social media world. They don't know what's happening inside our world. For some, yes, it might seem that way. For many of us baby boom Gen Xers, we don't have a lot of days in front of us so we want to make the most of the days right now. Living together made sense giving that it's a long distance connection. We had a plan very early on to get together and so that demonstrated my level of commitment. My level of readiness was I wanted to live with someone and I actually want to get remarried. For the longest time after my divorce, getting remarried was the last thing I wanted to consider in my life. So a lot of healing had to happen for me to be in that position to be ready to fully commit beyond monogamy and exclusivity and then at least committing to living together. Listen folks, my channel, my philosophy is based on the agreement of partnership with another person. Two people can don't have to live together to be in partnership with one another and at the same time I think that is a strong level of commitment to one another when you agree to move in together and be partners in one another's lives. It's kind of funny because we've only been living together for a short period of time, I mean only a few days. Last night we were on our computers looking for things to buy and we're both shopping on Amazon and we were taking turns and it's like, no, it's like, all right, if you find it first the other person has to pay for it, we have a little game going, trash can we need to order, which would be the best one. That's demonstrating a level of partnership. And so for a man to be in a position to be ready, to be in a committed relationship with someone, first and foremost, I believe the past has to be clean. Not too much, there's not, I mean, we all have residue from our past, but that residue isn't icky like a contentious divorce. The current level of their life feels stable, it's not in chaos, ladies, many men reach out to you, their life is in chaos and dating has replaced therapy. That's why a lot of people are experiencing, you know, a lot of online communication with their devices, you know, with their smart phones and such, because it's just replaced connection through the dating apps has just replaced the need to go to a therapist. It's a band-aid therapy session for a lot of people. I mean a lot, a lot, a lot of people. My coffee mug says, I don't want to work anymore, I just want to be put up on a pedestal, be cherished, put up on a pedestal and take care of it. A friend gave that to me. Why not? It's nice to feel put up on a pedestal and yet at the same time that could be a tremendous responsibility and if you're not ready for that equally putting each other up on a pedestal, for some people it can feel like a burden and for some people they can take advantage of one another. And so coming back to the readiness, past is relatively clean, the present life has a level of balance and lastly there's a true desire and willingness and I know many of you are dating frustrated today because you don't see the men willing to commit. Listen, if I was there on a first date, you know, you were meeting a man for the first time, I'd have my shotgun out and pointed at his face and say what are your intentions because I'm your big brother. What are your intentions? It used to be there was a responsibility emotionally to be aware of your intentions and we have such a dysfunctional society today that it's no wonder the dating marketplace is so chaotic on an emotional level because true intentions and like a lot of men say I want a relationship, well ultimately wanting a relationship and understanding the mechanics to a healthy happy relationship are two different things. Yes, some men want companionship, connection and sex and some women want that too. It's not singular to men and yet ultimately what are your intentions from where do you want this dynamic to go at some point? I think it's foolish not to have those intentions certainly when you go on a job interview, if you wanted that job you have an intention of getting that job. Well, why is it that we criticize people that go in with an agenda? Now certainly when you're going on a job interview you're interviewing each other but why is it criticized to have an agenda? I think we need more agendas which is intentionality which actually demonstrates a real readiness for commitment. Alright, so just to remind you before I wrap up, see clean with this past is this present clean and lastly is he intentional? This is why I encourage everyone to ask deeper questions in the early stage of the dating. This is why I created my private coaching program so you can learn which questions to ask a guy based on your personality to determine if he's right for you. Alright, I think you got a gist of where I'm going, okay? Alright, well I'll keep you posted on how my relationship is going. Maybe I'll even bring her on a couple videos here for the group but until that happens, I think I'll, oh I'd like to hear your thoughts on what I shared below. Please post a comment below if this resonated with you or not and if you have something to add. As always if you find value in the group please tell your friends about Midlife Love Mastery, send them to my website jonathanasley.com, have them click the group coaching button so they can join our fantastic group and I'm going to sign off this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye bye now. Bye bye.