 The Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes Program starring Jack Benny, with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Now when you stay at Old Town and leave work to be called in the morning and the operator says, 7.30, time to get up, well, 10 to 1, you just yawn and feel sort of grumpy. But if that operator said, 7.30, time for a delicious Grape Nuts breakfast, well, I bet you'd jump out of bed with a grin. Yes, sir, crisp, crunchy Grape Nuts or toasty brown Grape Nuts Flakes make a mighty, cheerful start for any morning. For both Grape Nuts and Grape Nuts Flakes have a moldy, rich, sweet as a nut flavor that sure hits the old spot. And both bring you important whole grain nourishment, iron, niacin, vitamin B1, plus protean. The kind of nourishment nutrition experts say you need is a part of your adequate breakfast every day. So eat a good breakfast, do a better job, and for good cheer and good nourishment, feature moldy, rich Grape Nuts or Grape Nuts Flakes to swell breakfast treats. Gentlemen, Jack Benny's troop has been away for five weeks during service camps throughout the Pacific Northwest. Jack arrived home late last night and went straight to bed. It's now morning and Rochester is entering his bedroom to awaken him. Come on, come on, Birdie. You have to get off of Mr. Benny's head. I got to wake him up now. Wait a minute, Birdie, take it warm with you. No, Rochester, when I get in the arms of Morpheus, Old Morphe sure holds on. Say, I'm pretty sharp this morning, eh, Rochester? Yeah, you not only tonight o'clock and your gang will be here pretty soon for rehearsal. Yeah, stand back, Rochester. I want to do my exercises. One, two, three, four. Bend down and touch the floor. One, two, three, four. Up again and down some more. One, two, three. Rochester, pick up my two pay. One, two, three, four. Did you pick up my two pay? One, two, three, four. Quarter. Two, three, four. Tomorrow I'll do a little more. Gee, boys, you're doing your exercise much better these days. You touch the floor every time you bend. Yeah. Now help me up off my knees. Now, Rochester, I'll take my shower and you go down and make breakfast. That's what I call a swell breakfast, Rochester. I know, Mr. Benny, and I admire your loyalty to your sponsor, but don't you think that sometimes you go a little too far? What do you mean? Well, after all, boys, soft, boiled, great nuts. Rochester, they're good any way you fix them. They're toasty brown, they're malty rich, they're sweet as a nut, they're a whole grain cereal, and they're a basic seven food. And they're all for... Boss, stop reading off the box and talk to me. Rochester, I'm really trying to show you that you need a whole grain cereal every day, and you should eat them. Oh, boss, I do, I do! I'm glad. I'm glad. Glad because, uh... Now answer the door, Rochester. You straighten up the kitchen. Uh, if you wish, I'll answer the door and you can... Never mind. We'll do it my way, today. Oh, what a beautiful morning for days. Hiya, Jackson. Well, Phil, rehearsal isn't for an hour yet. What are you doing here so early? Well, I just couldn't wait. I had to tell you. Tell me what? Well, you remember when we were in Victoria, Canada and all the newspapers printed stories that me and Alice had another baby? Yeah, what about it? Well, it's true, it's true! I know, I know! Come on in the house. And say, Jackson, my new baby is the cutest thing you ever laid eyes on. Yeah? Does she look like you, Phil? Yeah. The guy she's beautiful. Well, I can understand that, Phil. After all, you're such an Adonis. Ain't I, though? But you know what surprised me most of all, Jackson? What? Little babies are so young. Yeah, especially the young ones. And my kid is so tiny. Of course, all babies are tiny when they're first born. How about Don Wilson? Look, Phil, Wilson wasn't born. He was assembled at Lockheed. Speaking of the flying fortress, here he comes in for a landing. Wilson is the only guy I know that comes in on the beam and brings the beam with him. Hello, Don. Hello, Jack. Do you mind if I have time for rehearsal? Oh, sure. Mary isn't here yet. Say, fellas, while we're waiting, would you like a cup of coffee? Yeah, I don't mind. Well, thanks, Jack. I'll have a cup. Oh, Rochester! Yes, boss! Oh, Rochester coffee for Mr. Wilson and Mr. Harris. Okay, sugar and cream, gentlemen. Yes, thank you. Sit right down here, fellas. Would you like some toast with your coffee? No, thanks. Sweet rolls or doughnuts? No, thanks. Oh, Rochester, turn on the radio. Would you like some music, fellas? Oh, it doesn't make any difference. Oh, yes, it does. With music, there's a 30% entertainment tax. My fault. It's a government regulation. Now, turn on the radio and let's have some music. And as our metal de-express rambles southward and approaches New Orleans, our quartet, High, Low, Jack, and Shapiro will entertain you with... You bet you like you. Hey, fellas, that's a pretty good quartet. Yeah, I wonder what program that is. Ladies and gentlemen, when you wake up in the morning, do you feel tired, worn out, dull, listless, and logy? You do? Well, don't expect any sympathy from me. I'm a louse. But you can get sympathy from my sponsor, the makers of sympathy-soothing syrup. Remember, folks, sympathy spelled backwards is yetapopous. Hmm. So, folks, if you can't remember sympathy, just think of ytapomous. Y-H-T-A-P-M-Y-S. Ytapomous, ytapomous, ytapomous, got your booze away. Turn off the radio, Rochester. Ytapomous. I'll have to try some of that. Oh, hello, Mary. Hello, fellas. How are you, Mary? How'd you get in the house? The door was open. Am I late for rehearsal? No, we've got plenty of time. I overslept. Rochester, get Miss Livingston a cup of coffee. Yes, sir. No cream, no sugar, no radio. Okay, okay. Say, Mary, how do you feel after a long trip? Oh, fine, Don. And, say, fellas, I must tell you something. I had the wildest dream last night. What was it, Mary? Well, I dreamt we were all flying back from Seattle, and Jack was the pilot. Me? Yeah. And right in the middle of the trip, when we were 15,000 feet in the air, you stopped the plane, turned to me, and said, Mary, either kiss me or get out and walk. Really? Yeah. And if it wasn't a dream, I'd have broken my neck. That's a silly dream. Me, a pilot, trying to force you to kiss me. And that's not all. When I stepped out of the plane, I kept falling, falling, and falling. And just as I was about to hit the ground, another plane came along, and I dropped right into it. And guess who the pilot was? Who? You again. Me? So I jumped out and fell right into a wagon load of fish. Hey. Oh, that's terrible. Yeah. You look so funny lying there with your mouth wide open. I'll make sure I'm making up the whole thing. I am not. Come on, Jackson. Let's get started with our rehearsal. We're going to be late for the broadcast. Okay. Wait till I get the script. Oh, say, Jack, before we start, I want to call home. My trunk is supposed to rod today, and I forgot to tell Butterfly about it. Okay. Operator. Oh, operator, get me Crestview 67071. Oh, no, you don't. What? You heard me. Now, look here, operator, will you please? Oh, I forgot, Mary. Mary, give me the phone. Hello, operator. Yes. This is JB, okay, one local. Put it through. Yes, Mr. Betty, and welcome home. Thank you. Thank you. Here you are, Mary. Here's your number. Okay. As I know. Now, Butterfly, a man's going to deliver my trunk, and I want you to pay for it because I had it sent COD. How do you pronounce that name? Butterfly, COD is not a name. It means cash on delivery. Like OPA means Office of Price Administration. And FBI means Federal Bureau of Investigation. My goodness. You have to go through all of this? Just giving an example of what certain groups of letters mean. The only letters I know are A-W-O-L. Exactly what I'm talking about. Do you know what A-W-O-L means? Yes, ma'am. Well, what does it mean? Now, Butterfly, let's forget about Jerome for a minute. I got with another girl. Oh, that's too bad. I wouldn't mind. Oh. But I'm not half as pretty as she is. Don't worry, Butterfly. Jerome will come back to you. Maybe Jerome isn't himself right now. You see, Butterfly, everybody has two sides, the good side and the bad side. And once in a while, the good side weakens a little and the bad side predominates. Do you know what I mean? I think I do, Miss Livingston. When Jerome brings me a box of cash... That's right. But before I... You see, Butterfly, Jerome has two sides. Now goodbye, Butterfly. Don't forget to pay for the trunk. I won't. You know how to handle her. I certainly got a hand out of you, Mary, giving Butterfly all that hooey about the good side and the bad side. Well, that's not hooey, Jack. Mary's right, Jack. Everybody has two sides. Don, you've got four sides, but that doesn't prove anything. Two sides. Well, now, this is just what I mean, Jack. You know, everybody has a split personality. It's called schizophrenia. Schizophrenia? Yes, it's... Is this like your tap-a-miss or something? No. Schizophrenia, it's... Well, it's that little man inside of all of us that subconsciously governs everything we do. So, you see, Jack, everybody has really two persons. Oh, I don't believe that stuff. He's right, Jack, and even you have a dull personality. That's duo, duo. Maybe you believe in that, Phil, but not me. Well, certainly I believe in it. I got two sides to meet, too. Oh, fine. There's one side to me that everybody knows. Harris the show-off, the guy that loves himself, the guy that always wants to be in the limelight. That side I know. Now, what's... What's the other side? Harris the genius. Fine genius. You're the only guy I know who sent flowers to Flattop's funeral. Besides one girl in the time. Now, let's cut out this silly talk about people having two sides and get started with our rehearsal. Jack, it's not silly talk. Even you have two sides. Oh, what do you mean? Well, generally, you're a nice fellow. But on the other hand, look at the way you treat Rochester. I never saw anybody get so much out of a butler for so little. Mary, are you suggesting that I overwork Rochester and underpay him? That's what she said. That's what the lady said. She said that. Rochester, this doesn't concern you. Now, come on, kid. Let's cut out all this gab about two sides and get started with the rehearsal. First thing you know, we'll be late for the... Come in. Yes. Remember me? I'm Herman Peabody, the insurance salesman. Oh, hello, Herman! I'm Herman Peabody, the insurance salesman. Oh, hello, Herman! Well, Herman, we just started to rehearse our program for this afternoon. We're awfully busy. So maybe you better come back some other time. All right. Don't need any insurance, do you? Not right now. We'll talk about it the next time you come around. All right. Now, fellas, at the start of the program, right after Don introduces me... You know, you have a lot of funny experiences in the insurance business. I don't doubt it, Herman. I don't doubt it. But right now... This week, a man wanted some life insurance. And by mistake, I sent him an automobile policy. Well, then instead of being here, Herman, why aren't you out rectifying the mistake? It's too late. The man died. That's a fine. How do you do? How do you do? But I'm thinking of the man's wife. Now, her husband wanted some life insurance. You gave him a policy for an automobile. The company wouldn't pay off on a thing like that. Oh, they wouldn't at first, but I fixed it. What do you mean? I told the company he died of a rusty transmission. You mean to say the company paid off? More than that. They offered to send his wife a new body, but she wouldn't take it. Well, look, Herman, I told you I'm busy right now. Look, we've got a rehearsal. Come back some other time, will you? All right. Oh, wait a minute, wait a minute. Come here, Herman. I want to ask you something. Yeah? You're a mild-mannered man, aren't you? Yeah? I mean, every day, you do exactly the same things, don't you? Uh-huh. I mean, you never lose your temper, do you, Herman? Oh, no. There you are, Mary, and you, too, Don. Your whole theory of dual personalities exploded. You can go now, Herman. Would you like to hear about my other side? What? There's another side of me that's a mean, conniving, blood-thirsty monster. Blood-thirsty monster? Did you ever hear of Dracula? Yes. Kid stuff. Now, look, Herman, Herman, Herman, you can go now. We have work to do. Okay, I'm going outside and frightened people. Oh! Don, pick them up and let's go on with the rehearsal. All the silly business about two sides. Say Jackson is getting pretty late. Maybe we ought to go over to the studio. Okay, let's do that. Come on, Mary, I'll drive you over. All this silly talk about split personalities and two sides. It's ridiculous. All right, Jack, if you don't believe it, forget about it. Let's get to the studio. Hmm, two sides. Jack, back on the wheel! Don't worry, my other side is driving. My other side is driving. He's careful, too, you know. Oh, don't be so sarcastic. What are you stopping here for? I'm going into the cigar store. I'll be right out. Well, sir, what can I do for you? I'd like a cigar, please. Yes, sir, what kind? Oh, I don't know. I see you haven't got the kind I smoke. I just want something mild. Well, here's a nice mild cigar for a quarter. A quarter, eh? And here's one a little stronger for ten cents. I see. Gee, I don't know which one to get. This one's a quarter and that one's ten cents, eh? Yes, sir. Well, I don't know. I like the looks of that quarter one. And yet... What? Yes, but the quarter cigar is milder and it's much better for my throat. I want the quarter one, do you hear? I want that quarter cigar. Ten cents. Fifteen cents, fifteen cents, fifteen cents, and that ain't hey, fifteen cents, and that ain't hey, fifteen cents. I don't care about the money. I don't care what I say. I want the mild one. Hey, mister, give me that quarter cigar. Yes, sir. Okay, hold it. Hold it, clerk. Hold it, please. Make up your mind, will you? Which cigar do you want? Take it easy. I'm in conference. I don't know what to do. I want the quarter one, and yet... Yes, I did! Not a new one! What about that time Phil Harris threw a birthday party for me? I smoke three of them right in a row! Phil Gay. Miser, youra, miser, youra, miser, Bromo-sel-ser, bromo-sel-ser, bromo-sel-ser. Stop! Stop! Stop! You get the tap amuse. You get the tap amuse. You get the tap amuse. Prize your blues anyway. Get on our go crazy. Well, you're pleased to decide which cigar you want. There's another customer waiting. Yes, I'd like to buy a pipe, please. Well, I only have two kinds. Here's one that sells for $8 and this one's $15. I'll take the $15 pipe. Here you are. Thank you very much. And now what about you, Sporty? Have you made up your mind yet? You know I close at midnight. Hello. Clerk, give me, give me just another minute. I'll decide. 25 or 10 cents, 25 or 10 cents, 25 or 10 cents, 25 or 10 cents. Those voices! Stop! Stop! I'll go mad. I'll tell you. Mad, mad! Do you hear me? Mad! He's not as good as Paul Lucas. Not as good as Paul Lucas. Not as good as Paul Lucas. Not as good as Paul Lucas. How does that get in there? Say, Clerk, Clerk, I made up my mind. Give me that quarter cigar. Hey, you know, Mary, no, there might be something to that split personality thing after all. Maybe there is such a thing as a person having two sides. Oh, you believe in I. What happened in the cigar store? Oh, nothing. Nothing. Mr. Wilson, do you by chance solve mysteries? Mysteries? Well, Herman, I'm I. What is it? It's my wife. She won't talk to me in the morning. In the morning, you say? Yeah. At breakfast, she just sits. At breakfast, you say? Yeah, she just sits. Why, Herman, you should cheer her up with grape nuts. Oh, did you say crispy, crunchy, molly-rich grape nuts? Yes. I mean, no, no, I was going to. And delicious grape nuts bring you all around whole grain. Grape nuts bring you whole grain nourishment, the kind you need every day. Iron, niacin, extra vitamin B1. You say that? Well, I was just coming to that. Grape nuts make a grand basic breakfast dish. And everybody should eat. Everybody should eat a good breakfast to a better job. Did you say that? I was going to say it, Herman. And grape nuts are as swell thrifty. They're thrifty buying a big, little 12-ounce package. Now, listen, Herman, I want you to solve a mystery for me. If you know all about delicious, molly-rich grape nuts, why don't you see that your wife eats them for breakfast? Well, she does, Mr. Wilson. That's just the trouble. If she's so busy enjoying her grape nuts, she won't talk to me. Oh, I see. Well, Herman, there's no mystery about that. Goodbye now. Well, folks, this concludes another half hour and we're with you next Sunday night at the same time. Say, Mary, what'd you think of the show? Pretty good. I wish my mother'd heard it. Why, doesn't she listen to our program? Yeah, but she always tunes out early. How early? About November. Oh, well, then maybe she missed it. I know. Good night, folks.