 Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman coming up on today's program an exclusive interview with Hermann Cain's wife Or possibly his widow depending on how that meeting with her today goes Then we are joined by UC Davis police chief Annette Spacouza also Also highlights from Sunday evening's Hollywood Christmas parade which was hosted by our very own Eddie Pepitone and musical guest Will Ryan And don't forget Eddie Pepitone's new CD a great stillness is available for download on iTunes a great Holiday gift speaking of holiday gifts all week. We've been hearing reports of gunfire pepper spray and tasers at Walmart's throughout America sounds like Walmart is starting to treat customers as if they were employees Burger King announced a new recipe for their french fries Which will now be thicker with a crisper coating just like your arteries if you eat them Meanwhile Wendy's fries now offer quote-unquote artisan toppings the toppings are called artisan Because there's a good chance one of them might be Vincent van Gogh's ear The ACLU says Apple's new iPhone will not assist customers in locating Abortion clinics no surprise for iPhone users who've always known it's impossible Getting any service when you want to go through a tunnel. I did that joke. It's the holiday season Presidential candidate Herman Cain meets today with his wife to ask her two questions one Do you want me to drop out and two? What's your name again all this after Cain's poll numbers dropped to single digits in Iowa? Apparently people from Iowa don't mind raising pigs. They just won't elect one It's been a bad week for Cain a new woman came forward claiming. She had a 13-year sexual relationship with him Cain issued an emphatic denial saying who you gonna believe me or a woman so dishonest She carries on a 13-year affair with a married businessman Cain does admit to giving his latest accuser financial help But Cain and Sissy gives a lot of women financial help especially when they keep their mouths shut Contributions to Cain's campaign have plummeted. You know only in the GOP would Herman Cain be considered unelectable because of adultery and not because he thinks the Taliban is in Libya Cain's campaign could be over by next week. It's up to his wife So for more on this we are joined now by Mrs. Herman Cain Sylvia Cain Sylvia Cain, thank you for joining us. Thank you very much. What have you told him? You know, he's a very powerful man Godfather pizza is now a household you order Godfather pizza They call Godfather pizza that is because of my husband's Herman and look at the Condition of our country it is as if the business has failed there needs to be someone to to make this a successful Country the way it was and respected and that's what he did with Godfather pizza We've never had a president before whose first job in government was president. This is not an entry-level position This is Understand what you're saying. I understand where you're going with this look at where this country is people are Occupying and you know what our country is full of customers Customers that are not satisfied that are unhappy that are not getting what they need My husband's philosophy has always been the customer is always white Some have suggested that he doesn't know who the president of Uzbekistan is he said that the Taliban was in Libya That he may not know enough about world affairs to maybe Herman screwed up a couple of times I'll Libyan the Taliban and who Kakastan. Yeah, you know, maybe he made a couple of mistakes He looks around himself as he always has with the smartest brightest most capable people and some of those people I just want to say right now Happen to be women. Well, let's let's speaking of foreign affairs. Do you mind if I bring up your marriage? We have a terrific marriage Terrific, and he's a good husband the best I could not ask for a better husband. Are you aware of these women who are now coming for? Oh, am I aware of I heard? Molly Matlin's heard they see a powerful man. Who's very wealthy and very smart They they see a ticket a meal ticket no pun intended, but it is a meal ticket And he's a kind man. He would call he would say listen, Sylvia Young woman. She's new in the restaurant business. She needs advice. I Have to run to the center. I said fine. You know, whatever you need to do Did you take your reprevisit? You know, he has a terrible stomach terrible, but Terrible now you've heard of Gloria all red, right? Gloria all red Gloria all red. I'm sorry now Now a new woman. Have you heard of ginger white? No Have you ginger white? She is an Atlanta business woman who came forward this week Ginger white She says that she's had a 14-year affair with Herman Cain ginger ginger well Ginger white she never worked in the restaurant association She's from Georgia. Uh-huh. She claims that Herman and she would rent a room at the St. Regis Hotel in Buckhead, Georgia near your home And they carried on a 14-year affair that was based so solely on Physical and emotional attachment nothing to do with money nothing to do with business. Have you seen this one? Give me the name because I have I have Herman's he left the cell phone home again It's usually so absent my gift. Give me that name again. What is it? Ginger white spell it w h i t e white I guess Okay, ginger white white white white w w w Did did did did you say to ginger? Did you say ginger white ginger white you said ginger? Yes, thank you Sylvia Cain. Oh It's been such a pleasure. Thank you. Do you know when this will air? As part of its continuing commitment to humorless programming national public radio presents That's not funny with your host Skylar umbridge. Hi. I'm Skylar umbridge Welcome to that's not funny. My first guest is Fred Donahue and he certainly has a unique profession Yes, I am a food tester. I test food for zaniness for the sake of consumers I determine if certain food products are as wacky as they claim to be that's very interesting and you're going to do a live Demonstration for us. Yes. I have here a jar of fluff or nut or marshmallow spread. That sure sounds like a wacky product Yes, it does. I will taste it now well I'm only sensing a medium level of whimsy It's lacking the robust irreverence of the 83 nut or butter peanut butter sandwich cookie. That is valuable consumer information Yes, and now I am going to taste test a nut rages bar Well, I must say the nut rages is really coming through quite distinctly excuse me But I'm willing to put up with nuttiness. I'm willing to put up without rages But there's no place for nut rages in this studio. That's not funny Get out my next guest on that's not funny Is Clarence Lewis who is a singer-songwriter with a politically satirical bent? Yes I sing satirical songs that poke fun at the foibles and follies of American political life Here's a piece. I wrote that skewers the Republican presidential field Everybody's tuning in to see the candidates in the GOP the primary season is about to begin I really wonder who's gonna win Because I do I wonder that's it. That's the whole song. Yeah, you can see the wonder in my face You know, we really don't know who's gonna win the race, do we? Um, yeah, I guess I'm not afraid to speak truth to power. I'm sorry if I ruffled some feathers with that one Here's a song. I wrote that takes on the whole Herman Cain thing Well, that is certainly a ripe area for satire. Go ahead Herman Cain has certainly amassed charges for women who say they were harassed Many are saying he should be axed, but I don't like to pass judgment until I've seen all the facts So your satirical take on Herman Cain is um Well that it would be irresponsible for me to offer an opinion about his situation One way or the other at this point and yet you wrote a song about it. Of course as a satirist I couldn't resist the Herman Cain story and if you'll please indulge me I'd like to perform my musical take down of the Koch brothers. Oh the Koch brothers. Yes, absolutely I should warn you. I'm taking no prisoners with this one. Please go ahead The Koch brothers are behind the scenes of one of the biggest political machines There's much to be said about all their dealings, but I won't say it because it might hurt their feelings Wow, you're very considerate of the political targets you take on Yes as a political satirist I believe that if you don't have anything nice to say just don't say it I thought you said you were taking no prisoners Well, there wasn't a single reference to taking prisoners in that song There wasn't even about prison or prisoners, so I clearly delivered on my promise I have to say for a political satirist, you're a bit odd Well, I'm sorry if my songs are a little too edgy for you Skyler Umbridge You usually kick people off your show, but I'm gonna beat you to it. I'm out of here That was awkward and speaking of awkward my next guest on that's not funny Was visiting me for Thanksgiving and I thought I'd have him on so he could finally see for himself what I do for a living Please welcome my dad Tyler Umbridge Welcome dad boy, you're not exactly Koki Roberts. Are you dad? Yep, your mother and I had high hopes for you Just imagine how happy we were when you change your major at school from law to liberal arts dad Please who wants to die on the Supreme Court when she can be the host of a show that airs in the middle of the afternoon On a station that's fewer listeners in a ham radio dad. We went over all this at Thanksgiving ladies and gentlemen since it's NPR I should point out that Skyler Umbridge's college education was made possible by a grant from the Skyler's parents Flushing money down the toilet foundation dad, please. Let's not rehash all this. I wanted a son I always want a son, but after your birth your mother stopped sleeping with me dad Why are you bringing all this up on the air? This is private stuff. What could be more private than your radio show? That's not funny No, it's nothing funny about living to be my age and looking back in a life filled with nothing but disappointment Well folks now you have some insight as to where I got my humorlessness from Thank you for joining us On that's not funny What what did I say? Come on Frank Conn if you and Eddie Pepitone just covered the Hollywood Christmas parade for the Hallmark channel, so how'd it go? All things considered I think it went okay. I had fun the critics thought Eddie was a little off his game that night Oh, I don't think so Eddie was Eddie now. I heard something horrible happened to the band leader from Pepitone tonight Chris Pina Yes, Chris is in a coma. Oh my god What happened? Eddie sent Chris out to get him a cup of coffee and Chris got run over by the Batmobile How'd he get run over by a car going five miles an hour? Nobody knows Eddie feels terrible about it. Well, I don't blame him No, I mean Eddie's pissed off that he never got his coffee. Well Frank for those of us who weren't there Why don't you give us a little taste of the Hollywood Christmas parade as you and Eddie saw it? Of course David here it is folks a few minutes to wet your appetite of the Hollywood Christmas parade Good evening everyone and welcome to the 81st annual Hollywood Christmas parade I'm Frank Conif along with our band leader Chris Pena and of course the star of Eddie Pepitone tonight Eddie Pepitone Thanks Frank. You're looking good tonight. Thanks Eddie you too. I'm not used to seeing you without your straight jacket Eddie I was in rehab a long time ago and they didn't put me in a straight jacket. It's nothing to be ashamed of Frank We've all been locked up in a rubber room to keep from hanging ourselves, right folks Eddie This is a parade children are watching the show. I know that and who's that brunt sitting in the booth with us That's not a woman Eddie. That's Chris Pena Is that you Chris? Yeah, Eddie. It's me. Jeez. That's a tremendous outfit. You're wearing. Thanks Eddie You look like Lawrence of Arabia right after the Bedwinds caved into his demands and finally agreed to molest him Eddie like I said, this is a children's Christmas show. I heard you the first time Frank. I know this is a Hallmark special How the hell did they get their own channel? They can't even make a funny birthday card. Hey Eddie here comes Marie Osmond She's the grand marshal of the Christmas parade. She looks great Hey Marie, who does your makeup? She must have gotten up early in the morning so all three coats would be dry by tonight You know Eddie Marie Osmond's been performing professionally ever since she was three years old on the Andy Williams show. Andy Williams has cancer I think she's an attractive woman. Well, Chris you'd fall in love with an open can of spackle Eddie look here comes the Pete Wilson Regional High School marching band doing their version of Winter Wonderland Yeah, that's one of my favorite songs about snow. They've been practicing all semester to be here tonight all that hard work And they still sound like a marching band. I think they sound great Eddie. Do they Chris? Do they really? Yeah, we're kind of yeah, I'm gonna ask you one more time Chris one more time that marching band. What do you think of them? hmm Sound bad what they sound bad again bad. How bad terrible. Are you asking me a telling me? They sound like crap. Is that all they sound like a big pile crap. Do you mean it? Yes? Don't lie to me Chris Pena. I hate liars. I mean it Eddie I I do don't tell me Chris tell them do I have to tell them now you guys Tell them why Chris you guys can't pay for shit Eddie think of the children I'm sorry folks Chris Pena Doesn't know what he's saying. He hates Christmas Did you know the Hollywood Christmas Parade started in 1928 and has continued every year since except for three years during World War two No, my father was a Marine in World War two. Oh, was he I didn't know that Yeah, after the war while my mother cleaned office buildings my dad brought home hookahs Look, it's Eric Astrada Chris run out and get me a cup of coffee, but there's coffee right there Eddie. I want a coffee from Starbucks You hate Starbucks coffee Eddie. I know it's ironic. Go get it Eddie, how is Chris supposed to get Starbucks with the streets blocked off? What are you talking about? He can cut right across the street You're not supposed to cross the street during the parade. Who made up that rule I want a Starbucks grande mocha with whole milk and plenty of sugar Okay, and a raisin scone You hate scones again an unexpected turn of events Move here come the bagpipes That music reminds me of the time I visited Scotland it reminds me of how much I hate Craig Ferguson But isn't this a wonderful event Eddie? Mom and dad are reliving their childhoods through the eyes of their children While remembering their own parents taking them to this parade long ago Hey folks, I haven't seen Frank Conniff this happy since he found that bottle of scotch duct tape behind his filing cabinet And right on schedule. There's Whitney Cummings down on the street ready to describe the action on the curb Whitney Hey Frank Hey Whitney having fun down there. You bet Nice you standing up. What was that Eddie? How the Christ did she ever get two shows Whitney worked really hard for those shows Eddie? I'm sure Frank. She had to pretend Chelsea Handler was funny Whitney Wednesday nights at NBC at 830 Going five miles an hour color me impressed and here comes Chris with Eddie's coffee Oh, no, somebody just pushed Chris in front of the batman be a Chris look out Whitney Wednesday nights at 830 Eddie My god Chris has been run over by the Batmobile It's his own fault still though. I feel awful relax Frank. It's not really the Batmobile It's just a replica up on our show an exclusive interview with UC Davis police chief Annette Spakusa Will Ryan and the Cactus County Cowboys the band that won the West Will be at the world famous coffee gallery backstage in Altadena, California Thursday December 8th with special guests the rifleman's Johnny Crawford. That's right, Davey And what do you have for us today? Pacifica is predicated upon a peace. Mm-hmm, so I thought I should do a peaceful song great I've got a simple plan Easy as can be Just a modest little proposal for planetary unity Yeah, everybody played the ukulele Imagine all the happiness and be Peace and joy would rain No one would complain If everybody played the ukulele Really if everybody played the ukulele Doesn't take a genius to foresee we'd be harmoniously linked So war would be extinct if everybody played the ukulele Now some folks think it's a crazy dream that can never ever ever come true But nowadays hey, you never can't tell it's amazing what people will do So go ahead and play the ukulele And tell the same to each and every friend and we will all begin a trend The nobody'll ever want to end if everybody played the ukulele Now some folks think it's a crazy dream that can never ever ever come true But nowadays hey, you never can't tell it's amazing what people will do. So go ahead and grab you can tell the same to each and every friend and we will all begin a trend Yeah, nobody'll ever want to end if everybody played the ukulele I said if everybody played the ukulele I said if everybody played the ukulele Fantastic once again fantastic will ride in the cactus county cowboys the band that won the west next thursday december 8th at the world famous coffee gallery Backstage in altadena california. Thanks will thanks davie. Howdy. Oh folks this week the senate passed a bill giving our military the right to hold Terrorist suspects indefinitely even if they're american citizens because if we've learned anything from the occupy wall street protests American citizens can always trust the people in charge to keep a watchful eye on our constitutional rights Eddie pepitone reports Tuesday the senate passed a bill allowing our military to detain american citizens indefinitely if they are believed to be terrorism suspects Joining us for insight and analysis is our constitutional law consultant uc davis police chief Annette spakuza thanks for being here and thanks for pronouncing my name correctly Spakuza no annette i can't tell you the number of uc davis students who pronounce its scumbucket I want to ask you about the pepper spray incident listen bridget jones's diary you ask me police chief annette spakuza Any questions about pepper spray and i'll shut my fist so far up your fart pistol you'll be tasting fingernail polish for a week Well police chief annette spakuza you seem stressed don't shed a tear for annette spakuza Unless you just pepper sprayed your retinas i'm just playing with you. I hate pepper spray That's a relief pepper spray is for pussies police chief annette spakuza is more a billy club kind of gal Police chief annette spakuza. Don't you think we're giving the military too much license allowing them to hold terrorist suspects indefinitely These are american citizens. You know as well as i do there are citizens and then there are citizens And according to police chief annette spakuza's playbook not everyone's entitled to habeas corpuscle Habeas corpus. That's what I said. Hey be a porpoise and that's all the time we have We've been talking to uc davis police chief annette spakuza police chief annette spakuza never had time for dolls and makeup You want to see a woman? I'll show you a woman. Where are my rubber gloves? Thank you for joining us. Ow, you're hurting me. Say my name say my name police chief annette spakuza Police chief annette spakuza. I can't hear you. Say my name police chief annette spakuza. Stop. You're hurting me This is paul duly and welcome to duly noted Today we're chatting with hollywood legend and super agent barry pretzelman paulie swedart Thank you for having me here. You're a very talented man. I'd like to represent you barry. Uh, you already are my agent My god, bubby. That was easy. I'll have my assistant send you a paperwork in the morning to make it official barry You've been my agent for 25 years. We don't need to sign any papers Of course not sweetheart because that's the kind of relationship we have no need for a contract based on trust A handshake deal. You know, we already have a written contract more proof that I have your best interests at heart You fabulous gentile then why haven't you gotten me any work? What are you talking about? I just got you a trial on the x factor. I know that was the factor. It was just some old jewish guys sitting around going Forget that boy. Jake. You're up for a major role on a new cable series about blood sucking gangsters during prohibition It's called boardwalk vampire. I'll do it good But just so you know every week steve bishammy sucks on your neck. It's perfect. He already has the fame Look, I'm pitching you to start a remake of touchy You'll play an actor who can't find work. So he dresses up as a man But I am a man. That's the worst acting I've ever seen but I've been playing men my whole life Exactly your problem doll feast. You're getting typecast Barry. I don't think you're listening to what I'm saying Of course paulie. Whatever you want. Not sure this is working out barry. Is that you're talking again? Listen schmuck they're remaking some hitchcock classics and I want to get you into one I'd love to start in the wrong man. You're not right for it But I can't stop thinking about you in rope. They're remaking the movie rope No, I'm just a kinky bastard. But don't worry. I got your gay industrial film about vd The man who blew too much barry. That'll finish my career again Don't be difficult, sweetie. The good news is scorsese wants to work with you marty scorsese No, but his nephew already scorsese. He wants you for proschese movie about orgies in the 19th century What's it called gang bays of new york? Don't worry. We'll get your stuntman. I don't think that sounds so good That's exactly what I told them schmendrick. Hear me out, brando. Schindler's sis Barry I've given him a lot of thought and maybe it's time we parted company. We can't part company now. I have to go I mean it barry. I've had it. Holy sweetheart. You're breaking up. I'll call you later You're not on the phone. You're sitting right here in front of me. Sorry babe. I'm going through a canyon Let me call you back. I got Brett Ratner on the other line He's got the clap again. That was super agent barry pretzelman I'm paul duly and I'm still out of work Today's program featured paul duly rick overton eddie pepatone frank conif judy gold chris pina Janie had dad tompkins jeremy kramer and the music of will ryan We are written by steve rosenfield. Thank you. Mr. Rosenfield frank conif guy nick olucci judy gold in benz Elevansky we are mixed and engineered by alex steen edited by darin ares and our production assistant is alicia Cordova our executive producer is troy conrad special thanks to alan minceki matt perez Allie lexa and jimmy door. I'm david feldman. Please friend me on facebook to hear this show again or to check out our podcasts Please go to david feldman comedy dot com From the kpfk studios in southern california. I'm david feldman. Thank you for joining us