 The Avid and Costello program brought to you by Camel the cigarette that's first in the service Camel stay fresh because they're packed to go around the world Listen to the music of Freddie Rates and his orchestra the songs of Connie Haynes tonight's guest Harold Perry the great Gilder Sleeves and starring What's wrong now boy a boy a boy he had a terrible thing just happened What I was invited down to the shipyards where they're building a brand new ship and I got caught between two guys What happened what happened How do they how do they save you Lou if they throw you a breeches boy? No, I came back without any breeches kid You made a fool of yourself again, yeah, but I burned my bridges behind me Talks and said what were you doing down at the shipyards in the first place? I forgot to tell you see Abbot my cousin you go was a sailor down there He's in the signal core the signal core. Yeah, he keeps signal his mother to get him out I'm so ashamed of my cousin you go you are I mean after all the Castellos have always been very brave people My great-grandfather was a Kalano in the army a Kalano. Yeah, Kalano. You know me that's a pretty high rock No, no, no, not Kalano. No, no, you see that word is pronounced colonel colonel. Yes colonel Where did he fight? Oh my uncle he fought with the original 13 colonelies Costella, let's say colony. Oh, you said it was currently no early now make up your mind Look, look, it's very simple in military parlance. See oh well is pronounced car as a colonel Yeah, don't you know that? Oh, no, I never went to college. Oh Yes, I know I quit girl at the urge of first All right. All right. All right. That's enough. Well, it ain't all right. That's right. Quit scurl. I got a job in vertebrate Look, are you finished? No one man? Why? Evan what? Oh, that's your line. Yeah Well, what is it now? What's next? Never mind that joke sunk Look when you cut it out I have something important to tell you Mrs. Niles call up a few minutes ago And she wants you to take care of her nephew little hector not little hector For me bro, I ain't gonna take care of that little black one me brother Oh, no, you mean you don't like little hector. Oh, I like him that's well, I'd like to give him a present What kind of a present? Oh a broken shoulder blade That's no way to talk. What does little hector ever do to you? What did he do? Yeah, like the guy he poured a bottle of ink in my bathtub last year last year Yeah, did you speak to him about it? No, I only discovered it yesterday Oh, hey, wait a minute his his Ken and mrs. Niles now. We were expecting you Ken. Well, I'm sorry I'm late, but my wife and I just got back from a hunting trip. Yes. I got a moose head Well put a hat over your necklace and nobody'll notice it Pay no attention to castella mrs. Niles. He's a little tired. He just came from launching his ship Pretty picture one tub launching another You're wonderful. What a clever remark. No wonder I go for you. Oh, and cat as I go for you. I go for you I go for you. Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard from mr. and mrs. golfer I love that Come on. I'll cut it cut it out castella say mrs. Niles. Where's little hector? He's outside playing. I'll get you Pinch your windpipe Castello now Well, I mean hey hector look Why don't you just walk around the block and if you're not back in three days, that'll be fine Oh, don't mind hector mr. Castello. He's just faithful. Why the other day he's gently kicked me in the face Mrs. Niles, I hope he didn't knock any of your teeth out. How could he she had him in her back pocket all the time Come tennis. We'll be back for hector tonight Oh now listen now. Look, I'm not going to get stuck with this kid hector. Now look hector. Come here Go on home to your mother. Will you kid? But my mom I'm from my old man Buying a gun did your father tell her what kind of get no, she's gonna shoot him They have it now. I'll tell you this kid is dangerous. Oh come. He's only playing playing yesterday He stuck his grandfather's head in the stove and sang smoke gets in your eyes Like that was a terrible thing to do Yeah, listen, I know a very good game. I'll tell you what I like to have you do I'll turn on the electric fan and you stick your hand in it That ain't gonna hurt much. No are those bbs in your face Well the rest of these bbs right out the window Rockmoreton P. Gildersley, uh, mr. Gildersley those shots were an accident Where did he get you between my bay window in the back porch? Furthermore, one of those bbs lodged in my head lodged in your head. I don't believe it. Shake your head once Can you imagine a little bb all alone in that big head? You got a lot of nerve to talk about my head the last time I saw a head like yours. It was in a bottle Wait a minute boys. Let's settle this thing like gentle But he ain't gonna blame this on me. Now it was all that little hectic fall You mean this innocent little child here? Why he has an angelic face. He has a heavenly look. You got your directions mixed Now look here costello. You're not going to blame this on anybody else. I demand satisfaction Put up your fists and fight like a man. Okay. Yeah, but this guy's asking for it. Give me a piece of chalk What are you going to do with it? What am I going to do it? I'm going to draw a line right here on the floor Ron Gildersley, I dare you to step over that line Very well. I stepped over the line. Now what? Now you're on my side Blacked out and loaded with munitions the commando transport plane rises up over the hump north and east over the mountains to china They've got what it takes the men who fly the air freighters and so has their cigarette camels First with men in all the services according to actual sales records Yes camel cigarettes are going to our men in china too and when they arrive they're fresh Cool smoking and slow burning because camels are packed to go around the world Freshness is one of the reasons why more people want camel cigarettes now both at home and overseas Freshness and more flavor too More flavor the result of camels matchless blend of costlier tobaccos So remember if your store is sold out today try tomorrow camel cigarettes are worth asking for again Camel cigarettes camels tobacco standard is the same for soldier for civilian anywhere in the world Ready rich and the orchestra dancing Little hector who put that cat in the piano But I told you now I told you to keep that quiet. I can't sleep the noise makes me restless Oh, that's just your imagination. No way now that I was so restless that I tossed and tossed until my nose got caught in my ear You got your nose caught in your ear. Why that's terrible. Sure. I sneezed and almost blew my brains out Oh now who was that come in Good afternoon, mr. Abbott and mr. Cus fellow His lipo heck for here. I'm pommy pumpkins. I live poo blocks down in the sweep You live poo blocks down in the sweep very cooling Look, uh, what did you want with a little hector tommy? I came over here to practice my music with little hector See, I brought my trumpet You mean trumpet. That's it the trumpet This guy sounds like a knit whip. Very good trumpet player. You set up Mr. Cus fellow, you're talking for the most horrific trumpet player that ever put it apart trumpet from timbuk poo poo fantasy You want to hear me play a poo on my trumpet? No Well, how about the clarinet? I play the clarinet the prom bone and the poo bar. Oh, no You don't play the pooper a pooper's what you keep your uh, a poothpaste into brush your peep Not a guy's got me talking like that Costello, please don't make fun of tommy. He comes from a very high class family He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. Why don't you take it out when he talks? Oh, come on lipo heck first. Let's play a lipo poon Mr. Cus fellow, you want to hear cold paupers knife and day knife and day Why don't you play pip-po prud-up pullers? Oh, that's great Follow me lipo heck first in pimp-o one poo pray Look hector, why don't you and your friend tommy go out in the yard and play? Yeah, here you can have my football the one I use when I used to play with marquette You played with the university of marquette in wisconsin. No with the fish marquette and glendale Oh Come on kids now get out get the kids out. Will you have it? Look who are not in the backyard? And I'll show you how I used to kick the ball Now look, I'm going to show you the kick that won the great big game here. Hector you hold the ball I'll kick it. Have it you catch it. Yeah, but suppose you can't kick little hector's head Well, you'll have to catch that too. Oh, okay kids. Get ready. Here we go Who kicked that football through my window? Hey, it's killed a sleeve. Let's run Now what's the matter? What's the matter? Did it get you? No, I always wear my nose side subtle Did it let me Don't you try to run away castello you kicked that football through my window It bounced off my high boy and put a nick in the leg of my secretary. You're secretary. Yeah An old dunk and fight. Where does she get that stuff? My secretary's been in my family for 200 years faithful, isn't she? All keep quiet castello. Well, look you'll asleep. The whole thing was an accident Castello was just showing us what a great football player. He was in school in school Castello, who'd you ever play for? Subnormal? Did you ever have that laugh dry clean? Don't try and evade the issue castello. You're talking to the greatest football player who ever went to princeton All right prove it. Where are your football pants? Well, that that shows how stupid you are castello footballs don't wear pants So you'll asleep. Did you ever play in the princeton Yale game? Well, I'll never forget that game Abbott. I can still picture myself sweeping down the field I swept over the 50 yard line over the 40 the 30 I swept past the 20 yard line as I was sweeping toward the goal line. It happened. Were you tackled? No, he broke his broom There's only one way to settle this argument. Why don't you challenge each other to a football game? That's a great idea. But if the only thing that'll satisfy my honor We gilder sleeves are a proud lot. You're a vacant lot I think I got the kid going pop. He's getting mad Castello, we'll meet in one hour if I should not emerge victorious I shall retire to a mountain fastness whereas a measure of self-punishment I shall wedge my neck in the crotch of a tree and allow the woodpeckers to peck on my cranium at regular five minute intervals Yes Yeah, well listen ghostly if I don't win this game I'm going to retire to the seller of tony's fish market Where I will tie myself to a pickle barrel and have tony slack me in the post with a wet barracuda Not every five minutes. Not every three minutes. Not every 10 seconds, but sunday My special request Connie Haynes repeats one of the top tunes of the season First off to seven Don't cry, baby Don't fly, baby Bye-bye, bye, baby With the life of people you would never pay She-she-she, baby She-she-she, baby Baby Don't cry, baby through the seven steams Don't cry Don't babies here are waiting for a popper Don't shoot my baby She-she-she, shoot Shoot my baby, you popper Camel cigarettes they're first in the service. They've got what it takes Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. This is Ken Niles your sportscaster speaking to you direct from google's parking lot Overlooking the city dump. There is a strong wind sweeping across the field at this moment and most of the crowd is leaving We are about to give you a word picture of this great football classic between the gilder sleeve nanny goats and the costello morons No, pardon me. That's uh maroon And now for a last minute interview we take you to lucas tello's dressing room. Take it away flash barrels Thank you. Ken Niles. Phew. This is flash barrel Speaking from the morons dressing room. That's me folks. Mr. Costello I understand that this game is the result of a personal challenge Is it true that you don't know the meaning of the word trepidation? That's right And is it true that you don't know the meaning of the word caladine? That's right. You're pretty brave. No, I'm pretty ignorant Take it away Ken Niles. Thank you flash barrel and now for a word from the opposing captain We switch you to gilder sleeves dressing room and red harbor Thank you. Ken Niles. Here we are in the nanny goat's dressing room Gilder sleeve looks in great shape. Uh, same as to gilder sleeve. I see you're wearing your old school sweater Oh, yes, princeton university. Yes, sir. I was the biggest pu man on the campus Thank you gilder sleeve and now back to ken niles. Okay red harbor Both teams are coming on the field now and we switched to buddabbit Right ken Niles now. Let's listen to gilder sleeves nanny goats singing their alma mater man Shoe and now on the other side of the field. We pick up blue castella's band and league club now, mr. Niles We're gonna play football but where's the hector? What do you think we're using for a football? Castello the game's about to start. Where's your football helmet? I don't need a helmet But how are you going to protect your head? I'm wearing my hair piled up this season Well folks the moment is here and we take you to the midfield stripe Or the opposing captains are shaking hands in their usual friendly manner Oh, I warn you castello. You try to carry the ball through my line. I'll climb you like a tree And a monkey like you can do it Castello Remember sportsmanship. I'm not afraid of him Abbott. Listen, castello. I'll hit you on the top of your head so hard I'll drive your head down into your ribs when you open your eyes. You'll think you're in jail No, come here. Come here. That's no, that's the referee No more patrol wagons. No, no, no. That's the referee. There's time I had to stand up Start the game. Let's start the game. Let's start the game Well, the game is about to start castello is kicking off to gilder sleeve and castello's toe meets the big skin Gee that was a great kick castello. You the sleeves got the ball go ahead and tackle him. Okay. I got him Are you double-jointed? No, why? And I think I broke your leg The joke's on you. I always wear my leg in my back pocket Hey, I don't like the way you tickle gilder. You mean tackle. You don't know your football. I mean tickle. You don't know your mustache Come on, gilly. Let's start the play right signals one two, but my shoe three four shut the door height castello Gilly's running around his own end. He's running around his own end That's a neat trick if he can do it. Now a thing like that. Would you gilder? No, uncle ralph Well, stop complaining castello. It's your turn to carry the ball now. Let's see you make a touchdown Okay. Yeah, but watch me signal. What comes after two three? Oh three. I knew you went to sub normal Look, I'll call the signals one two Say castello. What comes after four six? No, it's five. How do you know? I got my shoes off. I'm counting on my toes Get ready then signals one two Abaddon castello will be back in just a moment abaddon castello with a final word Thanks ken Well gilly It was well. I have you with us tonight. That was a pretty tough football game. Yes, it was I think castello and I better take inventory. Let me see now Uh, I've got two arms and I got two arms and I've got two legs and I got two legs Wait a minute gilder sleeve. I'll never be able to face my public again. Why not? I'm all get out of here. Good night, folks Next week for another great abaddon castello show with our special guest miss janet flair Harold perry the great gilder sleeve appeared tonight through the courtesy of the craft cheese company And remember camel cigarettes are packed to go around the world Camels stay fresh cool smoking and slow burning because they're packed to go around the world This is ken niles wishing you a very pleasant good night from hollywood