 We are raised as an orphan by distant family members who are toxic, who are more protective of the family name, in terms of they abuse you, like I don't want to say maybe it is too much for the ones watching, but you know something like rape, nini, and they don't acknowledge, they don't even think that maybe after you grow up you realize what happened and then maybe they might want to sit down with you and apologize and maybe make some amends. So you realize that you have to let go of some people, you have to close some chapters, you have to stop watering grass that may never grow. Only my sister who we were separated with for 11 years, that's the only person I talk to, I don't talk to any other person, but we have another family now the side of my mom, I don't know how to explain it, but it's a distant, it's a very different kind of a family that I talk to, but not people who know me from my tender age, but I only talk to my sister and her children, they are the only family members I recognize. You know, you get to a point to start exploring relationships and you give them your best, you invest everything in you, hoping it will work out and then it doesn't work out and when you are in that relationship you feel or you are assured that this person loves you, they like you, they want to spend the rest of their life with you because that's the impression that they give. And then later on you realize this person saw something in you that they can benefit from and once they benefit ends they live. That marriage for it to have that effect on social media, it has to have a lot of work in the background, that is what we don't see and that's why I don't have any couple goals or any couple that I look up to. Because I understand, because I've been there with a boyfriend, I show up, I go to the store, I go out and buy a bill. So I don't have any money to buy a bill. Any man who wants to go to the store, I go to the store, I go to the store and buy a bill. What's your name? Raha. Welcome back, this is HPM bars and we are here at the Mara Music Awards. My name is Selva Kido, I'm being joined by a content creator, an amazing lady doing very well. Balik on your socials, 80s on Juri on YouTube of course. Making moves, money moves in Nairobi, how are you? Thank you. Thank you, thank you. Atakama mimi niko kwa eventia wajaluu na mimi mikiukuyu. But I fit everywhere, that's the thing with me. And I'm happy to be here. My name is Lydia Wanjuru, I'm a content creator on YouTube, a business woman. And I speak, I make content around wellness of women in relationships, family and friendships. Why decided to choose that angle? So I decided to create content about women wellness in friendships, relationships and family. After being under so many toxic relationships, I myself have gone under very rough background growing up as an orphan and being brought by very toxic and narcissistic family. So the time I realized, oh this happened to me, bad things, you know, to turn to trauma as a zingine. And then having healed and understood what happened, I understood, I realized, oh so many women or even men have undergone this. And maybe by speaking about it, it may encourage someone who is still going through it. Maybe a toxic relationship, having a toxic relationship with their friends, with their family. It may encourage you that, you know, not all hope is lost. That's how I began and ran with it. Okay, you being raised as an orphan, how was it, how was the journey you were coming this, turning things around to favor you? Be raised as an orphan by distant family members who are toxic, who are more protective of the family name, in terms of they abuse you. I don't want to say maybe it is too much for the ones watching, but you know something like rape, nini, and they don't acknowledge, they don't even think that maybe after you grow up you realize what happened and then maybe they might want to sit down with you and apologize. And maybe make some amends. So you realize that you have to let go of some people, you have to close some chapters, you have to stop watering grass that may never grow. And you know just pick up the pieces that are left and move and that's what I did because I'm not in contact with any of my family member because even after that you hope that the cousins you grew up with, the children, the cousins that you were young with them and they witness all these things happening to you that eventually they realize, oh this was so wrong, this happened to you that is bad nini, they try to make amends. They grow up, join their aunts and their uncles or their fathers in their beef and you are like, hello. So you decided to open up about this right now, what was holding you back from talking about this from before? Number one shame because why would you talk so bad about people who gave you shelter, gave you food, took you to school, why would I want to do that? That's why I was quiet. Number two, I've grown up being told keep quiet. You're not enough, you don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you're saying, nothing good will come out of you. You are the helper of the family, someone has given birth, go and take care of so and so, be there made. You are the helpers of even other older family members. So with all that being kept in your mind you are like, you're not enough and nothing good can come out of you. You tend to keep quiet and lock yourself up and just let people decide what is good for you and what is not good for you until you grow up and you are like, I've been in jail. I don't want to be a slave anymore so I came out. How was your healing Johnny? Oh hectic. For the longest time my classmates and my friends and my colleagues before I started speaking about my story, they thought I came from a rich family because the family that brought me up is very rich, is amongst the richest families in Nakuru. So you'd say I come from this family, people are like, oh you're a rich kid, you're a rich kid. But it also just doesn't help the situation but you know starting to speak about it because again people would not understand like I where you never liked anything, you had the family, you had the money, you were being brought to school with cars, nini nini, but they don't understand. But when I decided it's enough, I want to tell my story, I want to share so that those who are in the same situations to relate to me, I never felt any shame. I cried sometimes it's not even easy, even up to now it's not easy to talk about such things especially some tell you when you're 18 years, whether you see often anymore it's like maybe your parents they rose, they came back from their dead. But I'm still an orphan even in 80 years I'm still an orphan and I'm not going to stop, it's ugly sometimes, it's beautiful at times, at times it's peaceful, at times you break down, especially when people share their stories with me. You're like kawond kind of pills kidogo and you're like I know this but again you have to keep going, you can't give up. How is your connection with the other family? Are you guys instilling talks? Do you have someone you trust you can talk to? Only my sister who we were separated with for 11 years, that's the only person I talked to, I don't talk to any other person but we have another family now the side of my mum. I don't know how to explain it but it's a distant, it's a very different kind of a family that I talk to but not people who know me from my tender age but I only talk to my sister and her children they are the only family members I recognize. Anyone else? No. How's the relationship with the sister? Oh amazing she's my big sister because I'm the last born in a family of three, our first born who is my brother, we kind of got separated in 2006 so from then I've never seen him. Even my sister was separated in 2006 until we reunited in 2017 so when we reunited we kinda had a rough patch for like three years because now you're adults, you don't know each other, you don't know what you like, I don't know what you like, I don't know what I can say to upset you. We kinda went through a rough patch for like three years and then things just started falling into place and right now she's my best friend, she's my big sister, she's my mum. When I go there she allows me to lay on her lap, she chokoras my ears, she just looks, no, I don't know how to explain it, she's my best friend, she's my confidant. There's nothing I wouldn't share with her, I've shared with her everything. I just call her and she tells me what do you feel, what do you wanna do, do you think that's the best decision and one thing about my sister she'll never decide for me. She knows I'm really kind of, I know what I want, I know what I like, she just navigates with you like what do you want, what do you like, what do you think and then she just helps to clear the path. Talking about toxic relationship, Nairobi, Kanaero, Dating, Blanda, we saw the other day a musician major ex-wife posting something that is brought some very controversial story online. Why did you decide it, what is the moral, what is the story behind you talking about toxic relationship, is this something that made you, maybe you went through something? You know, you get to a point to start exploring relationships and you give them your best, you invest everything in you, hoping it will work out and then it doesn't work out and when you are in that relationship you feel or you are assured that this person loves you, they like you, they want to spend the rest of their life with you because that's the impression that they give. And then later on you realize this person saw something in you that they can benefit from and once they benefit ends they live. So you are left there like what did I not do right or what did I not do or what did I do to upset him or her. And then now it takes you then steps back again now you need to heal, you need to have trust issues, you need to doubt. It's too much baggage because number one relationships nowadays they involve money and nyash. If you don't have money you can't get it, if you don't have nyash they can't get it. It's just hard, it's hard and we want to go back to the values of love, relationships, marriages, friendships, family and that's why I do what I do. What has really changed, is it our girls are greedy, is it our boys are greedy for money and fame maybe? It has become a society of everybody for themselves and God for us all. As long as you can benefit from something you take advantage on someone without even having a second thought. Oh maybe I might hurt them, maybe I might make them have trust issues, depression, mental health, suicide, people killing each other. That's why we are saying infamicide. What has changed is that people want things for themselves without thinking what the other person is losing. Women want money, men also want money, we have bente nowadays, it's a thing and also men want women that in a particular way that's why our girls are struggling to lose weight, to go for surgeries, to bleach because we want to fit a standard that we think is what will get you that man, but in the end it won't. So it's money, it's nyash, it's moral, it's mental health, it's a lot Kido, it's a lot. There's a lot to talk about that. Now when you're dating someone there's those things that people call red flags. People assume at times someone will change, oh let's wait and see, take me through about the red flags, how to overcome, when to tell it's the right time for me to move. I want to exit this toxic relationship, am I doing the right move, will it cost me, why fear to leave the relationship? Most of the times we ignore red flags in people hoping that they will change, that your presence, your love, your caringness, it will help them. She's been there for me through thinking things, she's been giving me money, she's been forgiving me when I cheat. I'm not just saying it like biasly, I'm just talking from a point of experience. We hope that someone will change if we give our best to them. Sometimes even our best means doing the extreme, like taking loans, we see people taking loans for their boyfriends or their girlfriends. We see people abandoning their friendships, abandoning their family, hoping that this is your person, they will see all the sacrifices you have made. And finally they say, you know what, okay fine, I'll act my best. But now that will drain you, you having to go extra mile to prove that you're worth it to someone, it only drains you and it doesn't work out. The more you ignore, the more you bank into the red flags, you know, bugs, and the more you are like, have you ever been in a relationship where like, but this is, I saw this the first week we started dating. And then it's years later, three years later, four years later, five years later, it's the time you're thinking like, no, this is just who he is. He calls me Muandawazimu Mujinga, he just puts myself, my self esteem down. He just, you know, sometimes slaps me here and there, he abuses me, he abandons me, he calls me, he comes back. And then those are the same reasons that make you end the relationship eventually. So I'll tell anyone whether a man or a lady, you see those things that you spot when you're beginning the relationship. If someone is supposed to be who you think they're supposed to, they're supposed to be ready for you. This for someone you're saying, oh, let me give them time. There's someone who is already ready to marry you or to be in a serious relationship with you. But because we allow our bodies, our imaginations, our fantasies, our couple goals to lead us, sometimes we just want to create things for ourselves, but they're not godly ordained. So you lose out on what is godly ordained because this is what you are guarded and led by things you see online, things you see people say, you know, who so and so about who are an iPhone, so and so about who are careful on their birthday, then you end up missing the whole point of coming together and building a relationship and being together and supporting each other without being drained. Red flags are there. Don't want to, me, myself, I said, I'll never want someone to change. You see, kiddo, I found you, you work late nights, you go to events, sometimes abruptly you tell me, I'm not in Nairobi, I've traveled for work. That is who you are. I just can't come into a life and just say, no, you have to be in the house Monday to Friday and maybe go out on Saturday and Sunday, but I found you going out. And then now you kiddo, because maybe there's something you're benefiting from me, you'll pretend like you care, you'll stop, you'll change, until now sometimes they're like, ah, nime patakengine to benefit from, so you live. So don't ignore red flags, don't even want someone to change. Umekutam tu akweivi, you try and measure out if this is the person that you want, if there are weaknesses or things that you deserve, umelia, things that you can put up with. If you can't, wey on doka, kuna mwingini ako ready, one thing I've come to agree to confirm, there is always someone ready waiting for you with all the beautiful qualities you are looking for. You just have to be patient. There is, there is. Whether it's a man or a woman, there is someone ready with all the qualities you are looking for, waiting for you, but not because you want Mambian Nairobi kuku kuku kukulidu, takimungu wa kukonek, you don't want to go out, you don't want to meet people, you don't want to smile, you don't want to interact, you don't want to let go, you have attachment, you don't want to say, you are beautiful. Osha anza kufkirei, when you walk down the aisle, when you touch that little torembo, it's our weakness as ladies, but to sitakia wa tuwa change. Umekutam mutu weni ako, you figure out, itom kubali, amo wachanena e. It's either of umelies or weakness, they are not much of a bother to you, or you just leave them alone and go to someone else who is ready. Ubi alone. Ubi alone. You are born alone, mama kwa lukusa pekei ako, the default setting of a human being is being alone, single. Uli zalua pekei ako, ukapewa jinai ako, webe pekei ako, but certificate, kwaenda shuloka admitua na admission nambia kwa pekei ako. So what is the big deal, na akutaka kukua na desperate, kukua na mutu weni wa adult? Talking about relationship, why is it hard for people just to find a perfect match, a perfect one in Nairobi? Why is it hard to date in Nairobi? Number one, uchumi a ruto. Sorry. People have become greedy, uchumi nimbaya. People have defined love in a way that our mothers didn't use to define it. Civilization, technology, digitalization. So we want things that are beneficial. We are selfish, we have become too selfish. But we have become too selfish. You want to meet someone at maybe 25 years, 30 years, unataka kwa kwa na gari, unataka kwa na biashara, unataka kwa kwa na numba, unataka kwa pia gafrenda allowances, unataka kwa na the latest iPhone in the town, unataka kwa pela kwa dea ni maybe once per three months, usha jipeleka? Usha jiba iya iPhone? Usha ii pandandege? Uememu na niwa kwa niwa unafanya kazi. Mushihara kwa niwa kwa kumode tuwe na mutumengine. So why are we putting expectations on other people when you yourself haven't achieved? Uengine niwa tuwa na mababa zitu aja inu nua gari, aja inu nua shamba. Kasi muka niya menshukutu miya 5 years, meka funga na blada. Kama baba kwa aja achievis of ituzote? Why are you expecting someone else to have been that? Yes, we have men who are millionaires. We have to have a zungu na tuwa. And also the one thing again that is making her to find love in Nairobi, people are comparing relationships. Bufrenda Beshtiangu alimpeleka dubai haa bati de. Bufrenda Beshtiangu alimunu nua shamba. So you meet a man, you have these conditions because now you want to compete with your best friend. You know you want to compete with your best friend. Then the whole meaning of the relationship muntut alu kwa na kuja na intentions, kwa kwa ko. Kwaneni meza mu toto. It's expectations, it's selfishness, it's money, it's nyash, it's a lot. It's greedy. Selfishness is greedy. The fact that you are selfish or just greedy, you want people to feed into you, you want to feed from people, you don't want to give people. Because may believe in anything, in friendship, relationship, family. You have to give to receive. A hand that is open to give is a hand that is open to receive. We give and glow. Just to ask you about the perfect couples in 254. Celebrities post each other, they're living public life, they're telling us, showing us, to our time and everything. Are they really living a good life? Are they faking it? Is their marriage working? Are they perfect? It's a good thing, marriage works. And people post what we want to see. People will post all their winnings, they'll post all their beautiful pictures, they will give us good quotes, good captions. But that marriage, for it to have that effect on social media, it has to have a lot of work in the background. That is what we don't see. And that's why I don't have any couple goals or any couple that I look up to. And because I've been there with a boyfriend, unumshop, kumabeshtezako, unendahout, analipa bill. Sayo, umemu ya kia doko empesa, alipa yo bill. So everyone will be like, hey, boyfriend ya lidia. Boyfriend ya lidia. Boyfriend ya lidia sayo, umemu suti goi ake, anaku post ko social media na kakabshon kazuri. I'm not saying it is what is happening to all couples, I'm just saying, there's a lot of background work and people there, they would come out honestly and speak about it, you'd be like, ooh, that's a lot of work. That's a lot of work. There's a lot of forgiveness, a lot of patience, a lot of letting go, a lot of therapy, a lot of crying, a lot of laughter. We don't see it. We only see the happy, gifting moments, but we don't see the work that goes into that relationship. You don't see the eh, where they began. Where we fraya, where we reply, but don't put other people's relationships in your mind because the same way you put that relationship in your mind is the same way you meet someone and start giving them the pressure. Remember some of these, our social media couples, they have been together for years when they were poor. We hear some stories, we have so many stories, the way they suffered, they didn't have money nini nini. Are you willing to go through that for you to be able to be gifted that Range Rover? We are not. We want to have a low relationship with Range Rover. It can't work like that. So that's what I'm saying, there is no couple goals, you have to be patient. You have to understand the journey, you yourself, you have to understand the kind of a partner I want a partner. What am I looking for in a partner? Which does not have monetary value because money again is the root of all evil, it is destroying our relationships. Who is the type of a man? My type of a man, respectful to themself first, respectful to noble people like the watchman, the waiters. That is how I understand that you love people despite who they are. Number two, someone who works hard, they are already doing something in their life. They have, you know, whether they are employed and they have a, no, they have to be employed or have a business. I cannot date a jobless man. I can date a broke man. I cannot date a jobless man. What is the difference between a jobless man and a broke man? A broke man, you've been paid salary to send me 100k. You've paid your rent, you've paid your mom, you've paid your mom, your mom, god's sake, your sister, you have to pay. So, you're a broke man. The jobless man is a man that does not have any form of income. He has been paid a month and he has been paid a lot and he has been paid a lot. He has been paid a lot. And he has been paid a lot. He has been paid a lot. We can put some, you know, foundation to do it. Okay, we are working with 100K, we are working with 10K. I may have 10K, what can we do? Even if we are in a panga, but jobless. 30 years on jobless. So 30 years I have been working. I have been working outside the house. Look at it, look at it. I have seen it online. A pastor was preaching and mentioning that men should go for single moms. Because they have, they know how to love. They have gone through everything in life. They can balance with you with life and they can support you. Is it okay, is it the right time for now, single men to go for the single moms? We say every man, another man's poison is another man's meat. This single mom, kikana bebedadi, ndotadjuvenyomonom canimbaya, kulingana na bebedadi. But now I know what men are doing. They are going for single moms knowing that these women have to work very hard to earn a living. And now they have their money somehow in order. So this lady, because she's number one, she was at broken, she's looking for true love. So you come in form of, I have true love to offer to you. This single mom is looking for a father for their child because most men have abandoned their responsibilities as a father and not a husband or a partner. So again this single mom is looking for a husband figure for their child. So these men are coming in form of, you can be a dad, I can offer you true love. But I don't want to be single moms. But others are genuine. Now when can I pay the files? Muntutu na kujama puna mulenta kwa kwa that's why I tell women, be careful when dating a man and you have a child that is not his. Ujumutu true intentions is a keninga. Puskusu wa tunuwa gondjoa. That's why there is famiside in the world or in Kenya. What tunuwa gondjoa? There is raping. There is child abuse. Ujumutu kenyami. Ujumutu true intentions. Kama utu ko liya na kupenda. Distance your, as a single mom, distance your relationships with your family. Nyumbaya kwa niya kwa na mtoto wako. Relationship, work on it outside there. Sazin yung kabisa, your heart is clear, your mind is clear about this person. Now introduce them to your child. Next, this month, omondia mekujo mekudet. Ido kido gumu mekusana. Nuli mu introduce kwa mtoto kama baba. Next month, mekutana na juma. The same. Ido kwa niya kamao. You even unachanganyam mtoto. Unachanganyam mtoto. Napia unafunza mtoto that this is how it... We don't know children learn from parents. That's why we are saying most of us kama was as a way to maa our family members wangenda terapi tunge kwa mba alia. Ibu niya mbiem. Buona mana ume muna fall victims ana mamba yam cheli yim cheli. Ono juwa, kwa kila biashara. It's either you are the most smart, you take people out. Mtone kwa mcheli nim mtu mwene alukwa metakutu after kid. Kido. Umakumkwa meza kwa unahoch man chestana asenu. Mmentisha tu chupatu willi ukutuku tukuzuba isha. Boli ishe. Boli ishe, wende nyumbani. Ina manisha ulukwa menana na targetia Coach ball. Mtumu mekua mcheli alukwa na targeting ine. Lakin niya hakutuna nama muna biashara mwingine mwene kwa na akili kumuliko. Aka take you are out. Ina manisha, iskia mekwa mcheli. Mtu alukwa biashara saakize ingine zakununuwa. Betye lagani yo. Zakununuwa raha. Kwa mma noma mekwa mcheli ina manisha n money? landspender Ajipendi? Kusaba, you can't go to clubs and randomly pick women and you go you take them to airbnb hama car lodging, hama hoteli, hama you're home half sex with them. It is baby, It is the fact that you are open to such kind of a relationship. It means, kwa we wetu ni mutu hivi hivi. And then you will meet umpia mwa namukia hiya kwa willing, kwa sabu beshara ni mingi and we don't judge, ya na takat do. Wengini ni wezi, because I think mchi hele babes are thieves. Because kama umi agributu, umutu na kupia 1,000 wende na hiya hiya hiya. Kama niki dogutu mambia apana bosmi 1,000 siwezi. Mbonu wende kwa mutu, umu hiya hiya mchi hele ableki, umu hii bie. Umchi hele babes are thieves. The men that wane kwa umi hiya hiya hiya no wa tu anapenda chip prostitution. What do you think should be done to those women? Wime namba wane kia atu mchi hele? Nothing. Nothing. What if we say something should be done to the men that are entertaining these women or taking on the advances to a point that baka wame chiangani kwa waka hiya hiya kwa mchi hele. If we are doing something to the women, let's do something to the men. We must decay the society. Yes, because why are we blaming someone who is entertaining? Kido, if you have gone, I have said again, if you got somewhere and you are there with a different agenda, why are you diversifying? We must do anything to the men. Baby weался, we sinful both. I can't say anything to can you imagine that if you do that they may come out of their hands and say they come out from Kumae servi So it's business, sometimes you win, maybe even most of the times you win, but kuna time to lose, na kiluz you do what, unanda home unalia, una omba mungu, keshuna muka unanda lana bia shara. I have so much in store for you, YouTube, Tik Tok, Instagram, because we must do, one thing I normally say, if my content will change one person's life, yon do ilukwa the agenda. On Instagram, Tik Tok, Facebook, Twitter, amas kuzini X app, nilidiawanjiru.ke, on YouTube it's get naked with Lydia. Naked means authentic and honest. I share stories, people come and share their stories with you, so to connect, to get naked with Lydia on YouTube. Alright, shukun sana kuzum zana, say ma big fan, keep doing what you're doing, wish you all the best. Thank you. Good night. Thank you.