 Welcome to It's About Time on ThinkTech from our downtown studio at the core of downtown Honolulu. I'm your host Becky Sampson and life is more difficult if you don't know how to properly communicate with others. A gap is created between us and our society when we don't authentically connect. So there's a great principle taught by Dale Carnegie that states seek first to understand and then be understood. Oftentimes we get tripped up in life because we aren't confident in knowing how to navigate through our different differences. Joining me here in the studio today is Annabelle Jotzen, a professional speaker, corporate trainer, author, and as well as the president of the Speakers Association of Hawaii. So today we're going to talk about communicating through differences. Welcome. Thank you Becky. Thank you so much for being here and being willing to really dive into this subject of communication because we struggle. I think our society struggles. Talk a little bit about that as you've kind of been in this profession for a long time and working in training and working with organizations and people. What is the biggest problem that you see in our ways of communicating in our society? Well I think just being able to understand other people and listen to what people are really saying is the biggest issue. I started this career 20 years ago and I think communication is the most important thing. I was moved by my father's experience. He escaped Nazi Germany and when he was in college he was 20. He was in a communications class. The professor said, Walter you're Jewish. If you have any chance of surviving you must try to escape but you have to be able to communicate with the guard at the gate because you will only have one chance. And they practiced. At first Walter felt very angry. There's no way, he said, I want to communicate with a Nazi guard and the professor said, you have to understand who that person is or you may not survive and they rehearsed, they practiced. Walter went to the, drove to the gate and the guard said, halt. Walter had his money hidden in the back of his car in a can because the guard could not know he was trying to escape and the guard searched the car for any evidence of an attempted escape. He saw the can, picked it up and shook it and the guard heard the rattling sound in the can. He looked at Walter and their eyes met but for some unknown reason the guard said, go. And my father drove to freedom. Oh wow. And I love that you shared with me that actually earlier that that was what drove you to do what you do now is in speaking is in teaching about communication is because of that story with your dad. Yeah, it was life or death and I always felt that I would not be here today if my dad had not practiced his communication skills. Yeah. And what have you found is when you're working with people and you're working with different organizations like there's a lot of problems that people have because I think often times that we feel like we want to be understood and that's why I started the show off with seeking to understand other people first. Obviously in the situation with your dad it was just he was, it was do or die, right? To be able to do that and sometimes our conversations are do or die or if it's because we're looking for a certain outcome to do that. This is probably the first step when you'd see people, you know, whether it's a working environment or whether it's a personal what's the first thing that we really need to look at? I think the first thing to look at is that the way we're raised is we've all been taught follow the golden rule. Yeah. So what is the golden rule? Yeah. Do unto others the way you want to be done unto so people are going around treating other people the way they like to be treated but it's hit and miss. These people don't like being done unto the way the way they're treated. So there's a better rule than the golden rule. It's the platinum rule. Treat other people the way they want to be treated and I teach in my workshops methods for meeting somebody and immediately understanding their personality type and once you know who they are and who you are you can approach them based on what's important to that person. So let's back up a little bit because something I've learned doing a lot of radio shows and interviews and everything I wouldn't say that I was the best listener but I've had to learn to become a good listener in order to communicate. Let's kind of back up and start where if you don't listen I mean talk about that what the role is that listening plays in that communication. Okay so listening one of the biggest problems actually people think they're listening but they're more focused on what they want to say and also in our western culture people are uncomfortable with silence. So have you ever been talking and you pause to catch your breath and somebody jumps in and says well what I think about that is and they cut you off how does that make you feel? And plus the listener doesn't get the benefit so I teach people to be comfortable with silence. If somebody's talking it's okay see how uncomfortable the audience got did she forget what she was going to say? Do you know what's really interesting is I just spent the last and I don't know if you know this or not well no you do actually because we went to an event together and where I you know I was under doctors orders to be silent for two weeks and for most people that know me that's really difficult and I learned through that process I just got out of it what a week ago and being able to talk again but being able to be in a place of it's okay not even to respond sometimes where people are saying things to me and I'm going it's okay actually not to be understood and it's okay for me not to have a response it it taught me a few things during yeah so I love that being comfortable in the silence right very good and also another thing that people don't do enough is once they've listened and to ask questions especially in our culture with all the influences from Asia we don't want to upset somebody so we don't ask questions and I ask people so many questions that my husband thinks I should have been a detective I come home with so much information and I'm so interested in other people but there have been people at my conferences and conventions maybe sales people who said if I knew what the president wanted I would have given it to her yeah and I said did you ask yeah did you say what do you want and then listen what do you need listen is there anything else am I on track can we give you anything else people don't ask other people questions why do you think that that is I'm going to say something about that too but why do you think people don't ask the questions you don't want to intrude they're afraid that they might ask something personal but what I find is that 98% of the time people love answering anything I like to talk about themselves too and so that's that's something and their business and what their needs are and if somebody's really listening what are your needs right because if I can't give it to you I can find someone else who can help yeah help you yeah I I always like to say that it it is literally become a detective or become an interviewer be more interesting or sorry be more interested in them than being interested I'm sorry I messed that whole thing up let's try that again be more interested than interesting that makes sense make it more about other people and I found as I've practiced that and I haven't been perfect that people tend to open up have you seen that yes that it's just like they're they're a lot more willing when they know that you're like well so tell me about your life and and what you brought you to this point and that's something I love about even your about your story is I believe all of our passions come from where whatever we've experienced in our life and I mean you wouldn't be here today you mentioned that earlier today that you wouldn't be here your family wouldn't be here all of those things wouldn't happen if your dad didn't make the decisions in the communication that he did and that's why I'm a people call me a positive person how could I not be absolutely I mean I'm here I can run and swim in the ocean not only am I alive which is such a gift but you have health so I don't complain very often well that's something I've noticed about you is that you're totally positive and that's so as it pertains to communication how important is positivity very important I think what another key in businesses companies marriages and families is people don't get enough appreciation they're told when they do something wrong and they're nervous but the bank account isn't filled the bank account of valuing and appreciating so in our family I appreciate little things every day if somebody carries out the garbage if my husband picks up my son and and not just thank you but genuinely looking at the person and telling them if it's at work you did a great job on this report I really appreciate if you need to give have a change in behavior I like the sandwich approach where for example somebody's late to work every day where you meet with the person and you say we value you so much you're an important part of the team Joe you're just everybody likes you you have technical expertise we value you so much but when you come in late every day to work it affects the morale of the team is there any way I can help and then Joe might say well my wife's been sick my child's late to school if you understand and you can work out a situation or the hours or help that person but and then you sandwich with another compliment or another appreciation on the back end and when you when you finish and I just want you to know how much we appreciate your work and what a great job you're doing so could I give you an appreciation because when I when I first got here to Hawaii you were one of the first people that I was referred to or that I found to connect with and so I don't think I would even be here if it wasn't for you right so I really appreciate you and your authenticity because you took I remember that conversation that you and I had that you took a real interest in going wow your story is amazing Becky you need to share that and I remember thinking wow thank you for that acknowledgement so I love that you bring that point up for people is like where are you really spending the time connecting with people and taking the time to know what their interests are and how are you doing like do you ever often find when people ask that question is how are you doing do you really want to know or are you just asking because that's the polite thing to say what would you say about that I think it's good to ask people how they're they are doing and then listen to them yeah us and and look at them let them know you really care and you're not just saying how are you so you just brought up another great point because when I couldn't talk for two weeks something that I learned about communication was that we don't look at right my poor husband I poked him the whole time I was just like poke poke poke poke and I realized it's because when we talk we don't look at each other and when I couldn't use my voice I had to get his eye to eye contact so that I could use my little bit of ASL or sign language that I knew from 25 years ago to communicate and you know I found sometimes that it's difficult people have a hard time looking at each other's eyes and for long periods of time yeah have you noticed that yes and the disconnect that's in the society that sometimes happens when we don't do that because we're always looking at our phones and other things and that has created a disconnect and the other thing is to really connect with people people identify with their names yeah and too often people say oh I don't have a good memory like I I don't remember names that's an excuse the way to remember somebody's name when you meet them hello I'm Annabelle what's your name yeah oh I love that and and your name is my name is Becky Samson and Becky what do you do oh I'm a motivational speaker and Becky how long have you been in Hawaii I'm just a little bit just a little bit okay so you repeat the name and then you remember it yeah and people love hearing their names you don't have to hold on to their hand as long as I do and we're we're going to talk more about that as when we come back from the break about how we really authentically connect with people thanks for watching the show it's about time we'll be back in just a moment hello huh my name is Wendy Lowe and I want you to join me as we take our health back on my show all we do is talk about things in everyday life in Hawaii or abroad I have guests on board that would just talk about different aspects of health in every in every way whether it's medical health nutritional health diabetic health you name it we'll talk about it even financial health we'll even have some of the Miss Hawaii's on board and all the different topics that I feel will make your health and your lifestyle a lot better so come join me I welcome you to take your health back mahalo hello I'm Winston Welch host of out and about it's a show that we have every other Monday on Think Back Live here we explore a variety of topics that are really interesting we have organizations events and the people who fuel them in our city state country and world we've got some amazing guests on here like all the shows at Think Tech so if you want to catch up on stuff tune into my show every other Monday and other shows here on Think Back Live it's a great place to learn about stuff to be informed and if you have some ideas come on my show let's talk about it see you later and aloha we're back and I'm Becky Samson the host of it's about time I'm with Annabelle Chokson talking about communicating through differences and I love that we were just before the break we were kind of talking about how eye contact is really really important and taking that time to really really connect so let's kind of go in a direction too about the differences and the disconnect that we have when it comes to maybe corporations or business sense and what you've realized and recognized in that realm of how we've disengaged and how can we what are some steps that we can take to improve our communication in the workforce some steps are to really see what we have in common common ground common ground there's so much disconnect going on right now as we notice in republicans and democrats and the tnt and so there's there are people who are firmly standing in their courts and and not taking time to find out even find out what the common ground is what could we do so building really on common beliefs would you say or maybe maybe some common areas of interest right right because when we disagree it's when we're stuck on our position I'm a democrat you're a republican and then we try to come together it doesn't work yes when when we're stuck on positions so we have to go back to our common interest and so I ask my audiences to open their hands and bring their fingers together what are common interests that everybody has I like that being open yeah try that with me Becky right now so when you do that um you have safety security family whenever we're in this position and we're stuck on a position then we are not solving the problem right we need to go back to what do we have in common when if there's an disagreement with my husband for example what we always come back to is we know we adore our son right we have the same interest so we are on the same team we want to be on the same team and what we have to get to in this world is that we are on the same planet so don't you don't you think I think that is such an important part I really want to emphasize that that when you are and you do talk a lot about conflict resolution right yes because that's such a big part of communication is what do we do when we're in conflict but I like that you talked about look we're I love giving the reassurance that we're on the same team like I'm not against you I'm not here to hurt you I'm not here to make your life horrible and difficult and that seems to be something that that kind of calms the situation down it does and I also teach people about how we have different personality types for example there are the very analytical people and I call those the cubes they're very they like details they like things in writing black and white they want you to get to the point they want the information and then I have the personality type the triangle bottom line they have to be right just give it to me and and then I call the the rectangle the person whose detail oriented like the cube but is stretching and growing wanting to try new things and then the circles are the people persons what they care most about is how other people feel yeah and so what they want is to talk story and make people feel good they don't want to move forward unless every person feels good yeah and then I have the squiggle type and they are all over the place that's so entrepreneur right but the thing is certain personalities get along really great but others don't so for example the cube the analytical type is not like the squiggle and the cube will say how can that person live that way they are so disorganized and the squiggle person will say the cube is boring so you get all kinds in an organization don't understand how they view the world so one of the things I do in my workshops is help people understand one another and what does that really do for the overall morale of the of the organization they can respect yeah the other people because there's no personality type that's wrong or right and and actually when you have all of the people mixed together you can have a better end product some of my best clients are engineers the reason I speak at engineering conventions is they're very good with technical details but they need to improve the people yeah they need to step out of their box a little bit right right and so that's where I come in helping engineers that I did the engineers from California their convention and from Hawaii and the civil engineers and I love them because it my husband is that type engineering and my son and I'm very different and yet we have to live together we don't have to but we choose to we get to that's what my dad uses that you don't have to do anything we get to and it's the same in a company if somebody is bugging you in your home in your company to understand how they view the world is key and that's another great thing to bring up in communication is removing ourselves and our own objectivity our own opinions and stepping into somebody else's shoe to see it from their perspective I know that that's been difficult to me difficult for me to do over my lifetime but it's a practice that I try to do is go okay if I were them coming in this conversation with all that they've experienced in their life how can I have a greater level of understanding which is really the Del Carnegie is to seek to understand them first help me understand how you think about this help me understand why you believe that way yes I'm teaching a new course called ethical decision making and we all think we're ethical yeah but the truth is we all have biases and instead of being ashamed that we have biases when we see a person and we have judgments it's part of the world once we can accept that we're unique other people are unique we have judgments that doesn't mean we can't work together and live together absolutely now you just recently wrote a book or you're going to be publishing a book what's it called put your dreams to work so talk to us a little bit about what that what that's about that includes it starts out with the story of my father and his escape from Germany and what I learned from that and then brings in all kinds of communication strategies that I've learned that's very good for business it's also personal there are stories about my life and my own survival and so it it it relates as a business book as well as a personal as a personal well and that's really communication anyway right what are some of the things that when you think of an experience that maybe you've had as you've been doing coaching because I know you're a coach as well or an organization that you've worked with that is really it just kind of stands out and goes wow I can't believe the transformation that's happened with them or their experience with with you working with them okay well one that I did recently it's always a compliment to be asked back yes and these were a insurer of a huge insurance company for their privacy I won't mention the name but it's one of the big ones and I was hired to train their managers and how to manage change in challenging times how to manage their teams so I had all the managers from Alaska and all the managers from Hawaii in this huge insurance company and what happens to them is they're constantly from the corporate office asked to change how they're doing things and then they have to make their staff change so well how do you deal with that when change is is thrown at you and you're told you have to do it this way or that way and and so that was a full day workshop that I did and the word for change in the Hawaiian language is ho'ololi ho'ololi right ho'ololi and that was written on their shirts embroidered and then and we also had the slogan embrace it embrace the change once we stop resisting it's like you know when the volcano erupts in Hawaii and I use that as an image and and it's can be devastating when people go through change and a health challenge and and then as the lava fully flows toward the sea that's the second step where people get used to what's happened but then the problem is many people get stuck in the lava and they won't move and they won't change which which something I have you know I've been spending quite a bit of time in the ocean and one of the things that just come to me the last I'd say three or four weeks is just this principle of acceptance you know accepting people where they're at accepting circumstances as they're at where they're at and just stop resisting what you're resisting right and just surrender and the other thing is I always tell people to write down what is good about this yeah in the midst of the disaster in the midst of the health challenge in the midst of the divorce or whatever they're going through what's good about it if you force yourself to even imagine what could possibly be good about this it shifts yeah well it has been an awesome time talking to you about this and there are all these little golden nuggets that I I hope all the listeners write down and really start implementing whether it's eye contact or being authentic and listening and also so where can they find your book because it's going to be coming out here soon on amazon yes is that right and yeah tell them the website real quick what's your website my website is www.annabellechotsen.com okay that's c-h-o-t-z-e-n yes and my phone number is 808-728-3355 in Honolulu please feel free to contact me by email or call me up on the phone this is hawaii and i'm accessible thank you so much for being willing to come on the show today because this has been very informative so thank you thank you thank you Becky okay we're out of time so we're going to have to wrap it up I am Becky Sampson with it's about time on the think tech live streaming network series we've been talking with Annabelle Chotsen about communicating through differences thanks to all of you guys for being here and thanks to our broadcast engineer and floor manager and of course Jay Fidel our executive producer who puts it all together so and of course I'll see you next Wednesday for it's about time on think tech I'm Becky Sampson hello hi everyone